Dear Diary,
this stupid war has been going on for ten years now, I haven't really been updating this diary as what can you say? 'Dear diary, I sat around today and watched a bunch of blokes make noises at each other pretending that they're tough, when they'd much rather laze around in their tents when it comes down to actual fighting. Odysseus still very cute' several thousand times over? They have just been sat outside Troy for the past ten years doing nothing except occasionally going onto a battlefield and waving their swords at each other. Blergh. The only thing close to a decent hero there was this lad Achilles, the son of the sea nymph Thetis, and all round nice bloke who when his honour was offended he refused to come back even when they offered a big pile of cash. Good lad, after my own heart. But he got killed as his daft mother had a slight oversight when she was protecting him. She dipped him in the River Styx, the river of the dead, so that these bits of his body could not be harmed in battle...but of course, she had to be holding him by his ankle, so his heel didn't touch the water. Why should couldn't have set him back upright on land and then got him to dip his foot in is beyond me, perhaps I should have arranged for extra wisdom to be given to her.
But Achilles, he was the best fighter and he has a nice backside, so he was one of my little favourites. But his best mate Patroclus got killed by Hector, and Achilles swore to take his revenge on Hector. Thetis came to tell him that there were two paths that he could now take. He could either go and kill Hector and die himself soon after and his name would be sung throughout the ages, or he could leave there and then, live out his life in happiness and die an old man, and his name would be forgotten. He chose the first option and was shot by Paris in the heel with a poisoned arrow from the Trojan battlements. What a waste of life- this, from the goddess of war as well!
I got sick of all this waste, so decided to come up with some idea to stop the whole thing. I got my little baby Odysseus to think that he had thought of it, but of course it was mine. I tried to make him have some input, just suggesting that he should consider building a wooden statue of some creature which the Trojans would take into their city as a peace-offering. See, artistic input here, he could have picked any sort of animal, what does he choose? Well, let us just say that I was not impressed that upon having this stroke of genius, he thought that a wooden fly would do the job. Sometimes I despair. I changed it to a horse, sod what he wants to do, if you want something done right....anyway, all these Greeks piled into it and it got taken in to Troy, upon which they all leapt out, killed the guards and opened the gates to the Greek army. The rest, well, just ask any bard passing, I am sure they will be able to tell you better than me [I was staring at Odysseus, come on!]
So, now all my sweethearts are going home and I won't have any war to look after. They're all setting off tonight, so should be home fairly soon unless something really bad happens to them...hmm, sadistic goddess nature wonders what I could do...no! Restrain me from kidnapping Odysseus and taking him to Olympus and stuff. Yum....
~~~~~~~~~~~
yes, short and boring this time, sorry. I am a bit sketchy on the Iliad at best, and...it's hard to write nicely about a war, or amusingly. Just get this over and done with, should be able to have some fun with the Odyssey, I know it a bit better and hey, it's funny in it's own right [just don't tell Homer I said that....]
this stupid war has been going on for ten years now, I haven't really been updating this diary as what can you say? 'Dear diary, I sat around today and watched a bunch of blokes make noises at each other pretending that they're tough, when they'd much rather laze around in their tents when it comes down to actual fighting. Odysseus still very cute' several thousand times over? They have just been sat outside Troy for the past ten years doing nothing except occasionally going onto a battlefield and waving their swords at each other. Blergh. The only thing close to a decent hero there was this lad Achilles, the son of the sea nymph Thetis, and all round nice bloke who when his honour was offended he refused to come back even when they offered a big pile of cash. Good lad, after my own heart. But he got killed as his daft mother had a slight oversight when she was protecting him. She dipped him in the River Styx, the river of the dead, so that these bits of his body could not be harmed in battle...but of course, she had to be holding him by his ankle, so his heel didn't touch the water. Why should couldn't have set him back upright on land and then got him to dip his foot in is beyond me, perhaps I should have arranged for extra wisdom to be given to her.
But Achilles, he was the best fighter and he has a nice backside, so he was one of my little favourites. But his best mate Patroclus got killed by Hector, and Achilles swore to take his revenge on Hector. Thetis came to tell him that there were two paths that he could now take. He could either go and kill Hector and die himself soon after and his name would be sung throughout the ages, or he could leave there and then, live out his life in happiness and die an old man, and his name would be forgotten. He chose the first option and was shot by Paris in the heel with a poisoned arrow from the Trojan battlements. What a waste of life- this, from the goddess of war as well!
I got sick of all this waste, so decided to come up with some idea to stop the whole thing. I got my little baby Odysseus to think that he had thought of it, but of course it was mine. I tried to make him have some input, just suggesting that he should consider building a wooden statue of some creature which the Trojans would take into their city as a peace-offering. See, artistic input here, he could have picked any sort of animal, what does he choose? Well, let us just say that I was not impressed that upon having this stroke of genius, he thought that a wooden fly would do the job. Sometimes I despair. I changed it to a horse, sod what he wants to do, if you want something done right....anyway, all these Greeks piled into it and it got taken in to Troy, upon which they all leapt out, killed the guards and opened the gates to the Greek army. The rest, well, just ask any bard passing, I am sure they will be able to tell you better than me [I was staring at Odysseus, come on!]
So, now all my sweethearts are going home and I won't have any war to look after. They're all setting off tonight, so should be home fairly soon unless something really bad happens to them...hmm, sadistic goddess nature wonders what I could do...no! Restrain me from kidnapping Odysseus and taking him to Olympus and stuff. Yum....
~~~~~~~~~~~
yes, short and boring this time, sorry. I am a bit sketchy on the Iliad at best, and...it's hard to write nicely about a war, or amusingly. Just get this over and done with, should be able to have some fun with the Odyssey, I know it a bit better and hey, it's funny in it's own right [just don't tell Homer I said that....]