Dear Diary,
Well, I actually slept last night, which was good. Although I awoke and realised that I still have the problem of Odysseus to deal with, which sucks. I really want to help him, but he keeps messing things up for himself, it's just...men! They can't do anything for themselves, they always need you to be watching out for them.
Odysseus set off fine from Troy, even stopping to raid a city on the way back- which is a bit cocky I suppose, but he wanted some gold to prove that there was actually a point to all the men going and sitting outside Troy doing nothing for ten years. It's fine them being aware that that is what they have done, quite another for the women left at home to realise the exercises in protecting them from the barbarian Trojans and stuff was just sitting around playing games all day. After this he took a little stop off on the Island of the Lotus-Eaters, which is a charming little island where all they do is eat this lotus plant and do absolutely nothing in terms of work. This sounds ok, but not quite as good as being at home and stuff, despite the fact that many of the men wanted to stay- I think that maybe I will have a word with Zeus and get rid of that plant, maybe then I'll implant the suggestion that it was only ever a legend, the humans of the future can't be that smart that they will see through it [believe me, I know. I went scrying. After seeing the things that they caused- the nuclear bomb, the Holocaust, the Crusades and McDonalds- I am positive they're totally stupid]
However, this was when his luck started to really run out even more. After sailing for a while, the men caught sight of land. They made for it, which I guess is understandable. Unfortunately, it's the land that belongs to the Cyclopes, those huge dudes with only one eye in the middle of their forehead. The leader of them is called Polyphemus, he's the son of Poseidon which makes him my cousin *shudders* I suppose it goes to show you certainly can't pick your family. If you could, I think I would have picked some normal family in Athens or something, farmers, whatever- hey, they might be mortal, boring and practically slaves, but they have a slight chance of being normal!
So, the men are all on the island, they find the cave of Polyphemus and there are some cool goodies inside and stuff, some cheese and goats. I made sure that Polyphemus would lose his wisdom for just long enough to hang outside trying to remember what he was meant to be doing to allow the men to go in, grab some supplies and get the hell out of there. But ohhhhh no, Mr. Odysseus with his idiotic idea of honour and his good reputation and his list for wealth and his really nice backside...sorry, got distracted for a moment from the point that I am actually really annoyed with him! He is just a bigger idiot than I thought that he could be sometimes, and I have to bail him out by making him use that brain that I gave him. He decides that, after having broken the guest-laws by stealing from a potential host, his host [the Cyclopes- just consider how stupid the rest is going to sound] will, for some reason, obey the guest-laws and give him a pressie. Now, I am all for heroes trying to increaser their wealth and everything, and this is one of the cool ways that requires little to no effort from the person themselves [making it the best ever way of getting rich!] hmm, why Odysseus ever thought that Polyphemus would do this is totally beyond me- and I am the goddess of wisdom- I know everything!
When Polyphemus came back to the cave, Odysseus came out and actually asked him for his pressie. I mean, no last minute doubts at asking this HUGE creature with only one eye, who takes after his father in terms of looks [or lack of] for a gift after nicking his sheep and cheese. The only good thing he managed was to lie about his name, he said that his name was metis, or nobody, as I think it would be. He actually managed to make a play on word as well, respect, as me tis means the cunning, the deceiver so at this moment of danger he also managed to give himself a cool name that would sound wicked in the future.
Polyphemus ate some of his men, which really was a nasty thing to do, Odysseus didn't seem to care that it was due to his staying in the cave in the first place was the reason that their guest-gift was an early journey to Hades. Polyphemus does know about the guest-laws though, he said that because Odysseus had been so desperate to get a pressie then he would indeed give him one- he's eat him last out of all the men. Now, this isn't exactly what I would call a good gift, it doesn't seem like Polyphemus was giving his all to think of a cool pressie here. So, Odysseus had *another* good idea, which, unsurprisingly came from me [but I let him think that he thought of it, to try and give him a confidence boost, and to let him know that he does have the capability to think for himself, and good ideas are not always the worst way to go]
Polyphemus got highly drunk and fell asleep, although I got the god of sleep to make sure he stayed that way- hoping of course that Odysseus would behave and do the right thing this time. It would have been all I needed to have him cling onto the idea of getting a pressie, even though he knew that what Polyphemus had in mind was not the best gift in the entire world. Maybe in his world it makes sense to think that when a cyclops tells you that the pressie he will give you is to eat you last, he actually means that he will give you a big pile of cash, some slaves and a house in the country. Or maybe Odysseus is just stupid. All brawn and no brains, as they say. I wonder if he is related to Ares...?
While Polyphemus slept, Odysseus took a branch of olive wood and heated it in the fire, so it was both pointy and hot. Hmm, not a good combination. Afer today's events I felt that hi IQ probably fell below the recommended minimum age, and was going to confiscate it- but before I had the chance [come on, I was watching from Olympus, it takes me a little time to get places, y'know] he had done it. Sealed his own fate. Without doing this I could have had him home within a month. As it is now...I really do not know, it is out of my hands now. He blinded the cyclops. As soon as he did I just fell to the floor, and I heard this huge shout from one very p***** off Poseidon. I went and hid under my blankets for a while, until he calmed down. Taking my scrying crystal of course, have to keep up with events. I am like his big sister...big sister is watching you! Hehe. Rather be his girlfriend, but you can't have everything...and hey, in my family, big sister can amount to girlfriend if you want it to!
Polyphemus ran around like a maniac bellowing, and for once Odysseus actually came good from his own idea- although I might claim it, don't want these humans thinking that they have unlimited free will or anything. When the other Cyclopes came, Odysseus and his men stayed nice and hidden, and I had the slight pleasure of hearing Polyphemus insist that 'No Body hurt me! No Body is in this cave and going to hurt me again!' Poseidon let out a scream of anguish just as much when he realised what a stupid son he has fathered. Hehehehe. Suddenly Odysseus seems like he could enter MENSA, well, he could if he lived about 3,500 years into the future. Thanks for pointing that out. I do not like your attitude.
The next day Polyphemus let out his sheep to graze, and Odysseus and his men grabbed underneath his sheep and escaped. The cyclops felt on top of the sheep but didn't think to feel underneath them- again, stupid [like father like son] They all got out, back to the ship, and set sail as fast as they could. But then Odysseus, for some reason, felt the need to shout back to Polyphemus everything he needed to trace him- his name, address, where he was going, e-mail address, evening telephone number....oh, sorry, so far the Internet only covers Olympus, silly me. Shh, you didn't read that, it's not down to exist for, again, several thousand years!
So now uncle Poseidon hates Odysseus, and swears that he will never get home whilst he can help it. This makes my job a bit harder, to say the least. Oh well, I knew it wouldn't be easy, falling for such a wonderful, cute guy...reality check, sorry!
Well, with my now ever harder job, I shall sign out now and hopefully he'll still be alive the next time that I write. Bye!
Well, I actually slept last night, which was good. Although I awoke and realised that I still have the problem of Odysseus to deal with, which sucks. I really want to help him, but he keeps messing things up for himself, it's just...men! They can't do anything for themselves, they always need you to be watching out for them.
Odysseus set off fine from Troy, even stopping to raid a city on the way back- which is a bit cocky I suppose, but he wanted some gold to prove that there was actually a point to all the men going and sitting outside Troy doing nothing for ten years. It's fine them being aware that that is what they have done, quite another for the women left at home to realise the exercises in protecting them from the barbarian Trojans and stuff was just sitting around playing games all day. After this he took a little stop off on the Island of the Lotus-Eaters, which is a charming little island where all they do is eat this lotus plant and do absolutely nothing in terms of work. This sounds ok, but not quite as good as being at home and stuff, despite the fact that many of the men wanted to stay- I think that maybe I will have a word with Zeus and get rid of that plant, maybe then I'll implant the suggestion that it was only ever a legend, the humans of the future can't be that smart that they will see through it [believe me, I know. I went scrying. After seeing the things that they caused- the nuclear bomb, the Holocaust, the Crusades and McDonalds- I am positive they're totally stupid]
However, this was when his luck started to really run out even more. After sailing for a while, the men caught sight of land. They made for it, which I guess is understandable. Unfortunately, it's the land that belongs to the Cyclopes, those huge dudes with only one eye in the middle of their forehead. The leader of them is called Polyphemus, he's the son of Poseidon which makes him my cousin *shudders* I suppose it goes to show you certainly can't pick your family. If you could, I think I would have picked some normal family in Athens or something, farmers, whatever- hey, they might be mortal, boring and practically slaves, but they have a slight chance of being normal!
So, the men are all on the island, they find the cave of Polyphemus and there are some cool goodies inside and stuff, some cheese and goats. I made sure that Polyphemus would lose his wisdom for just long enough to hang outside trying to remember what he was meant to be doing to allow the men to go in, grab some supplies and get the hell out of there. But ohhhhh no, Mr. Odysseus with his idiotic idea of honour and his good reputation and his list for wealth and his really nice backside...sorry, got distracted for a moment from the point that I am actually really annoyed with him! He is just a bigger idiot than I thought that he could be sometimes, and I have to bail him out by making him use that brain that I gave him. He decides that, after having broken the guest-laws by stealing from a potential host, his host [the Cyclopes- just consider how stupid the rest is going to sound] will, for some reason, obey the guest-laws and give him a pressie. Now, I am all for heroes trying to increaser their wealth and everything, and this is one of the cool ways that requires little to no effort from the person themselves [making it the best ever way of getting rich!] hmm, why Odysseus ever thought that Polyphemus would do this is totally beyond me- and I am the goddess of wisdom- I know everything!
When Polyphemus came back to the cave, Odysseus came out and actually asked him for his pressie. I mean, no last minute doubts at asking this HUGE creature with only one eye, who takes after his father in terms of looks [or lack of] for a gift after nicking his sheep and cheese. The only good thing he managed was to lie about his name, he said that his name was metis, or nobody, as I think it would be. He actually managed to make a play on word as well, respect, as me tis means the cunning, the deceiver so at this moment of danger he also managed to give himself a cool name that would sound wicked in the future.
Polyphemus ate some of his men, which really was a nasty thing to do, Odysseus didn't seem to care that it was due to his staying in the cave in the first place was the reason that their guest-gift was an early journey to Hades. Polyphemus does know about the guest-laws though, he said that because Odysseus had been so desperate to get a pressie then he would indeed give him one- he's eat him last out of all the men. Now, this isn't exactly what I would call a good gift, it doesn't seem like Polyphemus was giving his all to think of a cool pressie here. So, Odysseus had *another* good idea, which, unsurprisingly came from me [but I let him think that he thought of it, to try and give him a confidence boost, and to let him know that he does have the capability to think for himself, and good ideas are not always the worst way to go]
Polyphemus got highly drunk and fell asleep, although I got the god of sleep to make sure he stayed that way- hoping of course that Odysseus would behave and do the right thing this time. It would have been all I needed to have him cling onto the idea of getting a pressie, even though he knew that what Polyphemus had in mind was not the best gift in the entire world. Maybe in his world it makes sense to think that when a cyclops tells you that the pressie he will give you is to eat you last, he actually means that he will give you a big pile of cash, some slaves and a house in the country. Or maybe Odysseus is just stupid. All brawn and no brains, as they say. I wonder if he is related to Ares...?
While Polyphemus slept, Odysseus took a branch of olive wood and heated it in the fire, so it was both pointy and hot. Hmm, not a good combination. Afer today's events I felt that hi IQ probably fell below the recommended minimum age, and was going to confiscate it- but before I had the chance [come on, I was watching from Olympus, it takes me a little time to get places, y'know] he had done it. Sealed his own fate. Without doing this I could have had him home within a month. As it is now...I really do not know, it is out of my hands now. He blinded the cyclops. As soon as he did I just fell to the floor, and I heard this huge shout from one very p***** off Poseidon. I went and hid under my blankets for a while, until he calmed down. Taking my scrying crystal of course, have to keep up with events. I am like his big sister...big sister is watching you! Hehe. Rather be his girlfriend, but you can't have everything...and hey, in my family, big sister can amount to girlfriend if you want it to!
Polyphemus ran around like a maniac bellowing, and for once Odysseus actually came good from his own idea- although I might claim it, don't want these humans thinking that they have unlimited free will or anything. When the other Cyclopes came, Odysseus and his men stayed nice and hidden, and I had the slight pleasure of hearing Polyphemus insist that 'No Body hurt me! No Body is in this cave and going to hurt me again!' Poseidon let out a scream of anguish just as much when he realised what a stupid son he has fathered. Hehehehe. Suddenly Odysseus seems like he could enter MENSA, well, he could if he lived about 3,500 years into the future. Thanks for pointing that out. I do not like your attitude.
The next day Polyphemus let out his sheep to graze, and Odysseus and his men grabbed underneath his sheep and escaped. The cyclops felt on top of the sheep but didn't think to feel underneath them- again, stupid [like father like son] They all got out, back to the ship, and set sail as fast as they could. But then Odysseus, for some reason, felt the need to shout back to Polyphemus everything he needed to trace him- his name, address, where he was going, e-mail address, evening telephone number....oh, sorry, so far the Internet only covers Olympus, silly me. Shh, you didn't read that, it's not down to exist for, again, several thousand years!
So now uncle Poseidon hates Odysseus, and swears that he will never get home whilst he can help it. This makes my job a bit harder, to say the least. Oh well, I knew it wouldn't be easy, falling for such a wonderful, cute guy...reality check, sorry!
Well, with my now ever harder job, I shall sign out now and hopefully he'll still be alive the next time that I write. Bye!