Electricity - that was what one felt in the air whenever the sun began to set in the city. At least that's what I felt every time I walked along the crowded sidewalks during that part of the day. The city prepared itself for the coming darkness as the night-owls sat up on their beds, contemplating the night's activities.
It was something that has never affected me. The night didn't concern me at all - not its secrets or its cloaked sins. These were something that have always been, and always will be. It was better to just shut them out and get on with the drudgeries of life. One of my colleagues had come to label me as a schizoid. Sometimes I think he's right. I felt as if I should be one of the patients rather than the doctors.
Yet here I was, looking out into that city sunset in the room of one of my patients. That electricity could never enter into these grounds, and I watched it curiously from a distance.
I turned to Jin who had his eyes on the setting sun as well. "What are you thinking Jin?"
It took a bit of time 'til he finally answered, as if he was thinking of what to say. "That cross…"
I looked out into the window again. There was a church in the distance - a cross on top of its spire. "What about it?"
"I've never been to a church." He said quietly.
"Are you a Christian?" I asked.
"No." Quietly again.
"Most patients who claim clairvoyance are usually religious fanatics."
No response.
"Do you want to go to church Jin?"
"I don't know if I can." He paused, contemplating his choice of words. "I might burn or something."
"Maybe you should go to church. You'll see that it won't have any effect on you and you're not the devil after all."
"Would you take that chance?" He questioned suddenly.
"Excuse me?"
"If you've never seen fire before and don't know what it is," he began, "yet someone told you to put your hand in it and promised you that it won't hurt you, would you do it?"
"I don't know. I guess I would. Why would anyone tell me that?"
"You mean why would people want to alter your sense of reality?"
I snickered. "There's reality, and then there's what you perceive as reality."
"Yes. But why would you believe what anyone tells you if what they're saying is contrary to what you know as the truth?"
"Because that's vanity; how can you claim to be right all the time, and know more than the other person?"
"It goes both ways." He said under his breath and then raised his voice. "So you believe what everyone says? Just because you think you don't know anything?"
I sighed. "I guess it depends if you trust the person who's telling you."
"Like who?"
"Like people who care about you - your friends, your family…"
"No," he quietly interrupted, "you can't even trust those."
I thought for a second. "Tell me about your family Jin. You seem to resent them."
"There's nothing to tell."
"What about your mother; you mentioned before that she died." I paused for a brief second to think about my choice of words on a potentially sensitive subject. "How did she die? Maybe this is the reason that you've built this fantasy world around yourself."
He laughed lightly at that. "Fantasy world…"
"…This guilt driven image that you have of yourself." I continued. "I mean, the devil, Jin! What could you have done that was so horrible that you would think of yourself as the devil?"
He sat there as if contemplating. "When I was fifteen, my mother was killed by a monster called Toshin…"
As he continued on with his tale, my heart sank. I think it would have been better if he was only mocking me, but I knew that he believed every word of what he told me. And my pride in the belief that I had made progress and actually reached him…shattered. It was then that I noticed something on the floor beneath the bed.
I looked up into his eyes. "Why haven't you been taking your medications?"
He became silent and looked at the spot where I had been staring earlier. He didn't say anything.
"Those will help keep down the delusion and hallucinations Jin." I pleaded.
He shut his eyes and talked slowly, emphasizing every other word. "I don't want anything to dilute my mind."
"They'll help you get better Jin. You have to take them." I slowly reached out and touched his forearm.
He pushed it away. "…Just go."
I stood up and went outside the door. I knew I needed to get some people to help secure him while I register a shot for him.
It was something that has never affected me. The night didn't concern me at all - not its secrets or its cloaked sins. These were something that have always been, and always will be. It was better to just shut them out and get on with the drudgeries of life. One of my colleagues had come to label me as a schizoid. Sometimes I think he's right. I felt as if I should be one of the patients rather than the doctors.
Yet here I was, looking out into that city sunset in the room of one of my patients. That electricity could never enter into these grounds, and I watched it curiously from a distance.
I turned to Jin who had his eyes on the setting sun as well. "What are you thinking Jin?"
It took a bit of time 'til he finally answered, as if he was thinking of what to say. "That cross…"
I looked out into the window again. There was a church in the distance - a cross on top of its spire. "What about it?"
"I've never been to a church." He said quietly.
"Are you a Christian?" I asked.
"No." Quietly again.
"Most patients who claim clairvoyance are usually religious fanatics."
No response.
"Do you want to go to church Jin?"
"I don't know if I can." He paused, contemplating his choice of words. "I might burn or something."
"Maybe you should go to church. You'll see that it won't have any effect on you and you're not the devil after all."
"Would you take that chance?" He questioned suddenly.
"Excuse me?"
"If you've never seen fire before and don't know what it is," he began, "yet someone told you to put your hand in it and promised you that it won't hurt you, would you do it?"
"I don't know. I guess I would. Why would anyone tell me that?"
"You mean why would people want to alter your sense of reality?"
I snickered. "There's reality, and then there's what you perceive as reality."
"Yes. But why would you believe what anyone tells you if what they're saying is contrary to what you know as the truth?"
"Because that's vanity; how can you claim to be right all the time, and know more than the other person?"
"It goes both ways." He said under his breath and then raised his voice. "So you believe what everyone says? Just because you think you don't know anything?"
I sighed. "I guess it depends if you trust the person who's telling you."
"Like who?"
"Like people who care about you - your friends, your family…"
"No," he quietly interrupted, "you can't even trust those."
I thought for a second. "Tell me about your family Jin. You seem to resent them."
"There's nothing to tell."
"What about your mother; you mentioned before that she died." I paused for a brief second to think about my choice of words on a potentially sensitive subject. "How did she die? Maybe this is the reason that you've built this fantasy world around yourself."
He laughed lightly at that. "Fantasy world…"
"…This guilt driven image that you have of yourself." I continued. "I mean, the devil, Jin! What could you have done that was so horrible that you would think of yourself as the devil?"
He sat there as if contemplating. "When I was fifteen, my mother was killed by a monster called Toshin…"
As he continued on with his tale, my heart sank. I think it would have been better if he was only mocking me, but I knew that he believed every word of what he told me. And my pride in the belief that I had made progress and actually reached him…shattered. It was then that I noticed something on the floor beneath the bed.
I looked up into his eyes. "Why haven't you been taking your medications?"
He became silent and looked at the spot where I had been staring earlier. He didn't say anything.
"Those will help keep down the delusion and hallucinations Jin." I pleaded.
He shut his eyes and talked slowly, emphasizing every other word. "I don't want anything to dilute my mind."
"They'll help you get better Jin. You have to take them." I slowly reached out and touched his forearm.
He pushed it away. "…Just go."
I stood up and went outside the door. I knew I needed to get some people to help secure him while I register a shot for him.