TITLE: Out of Nowhere
AUTHOR: Boreanaz
EMAIL: Boreanaz@aol.com
DISCLAIMER: All things Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel are owned by Joss Whedon,, the UPN&
WB television networks and anyone else who holds the copyright to both of the series. No copyright
infringement is intended.
DISTRIBUTION: E-mail me if you want it.
RATING: I'll just say R in case I get any more into it.
CONTENT: Buffy/Spike
SPOILERS: Up to Flooded
SUMMARY: After Buffy tells Spike she was in Heaven, something starts to grow from just a few touches. And everyone has their own opinions....especially Angel.
Although a part of him knew it was best he forget what she'd told him all Spike could do was stare at Buffy in awe each and every time he saw her.
He thought no one else could endure such pain and live that way every day until she told him her secret. Just him. And just knowing she trusted him made hoping she could love him all that much easier.
"Spike."
He came out of his daze to find her staring at him. The others were in the upstairs book stacks, which meant the two of them were alone. "Slayer."
She smiled. "Don't go all formal on me now, vampire. And....could you stop staring at me that way? The others are getting sort of suspicious," she whispered.
If he still had the ability Spike knew he'd be blushing. "Oh...oh sure yeah. I just..."
"I know."
His fingers reached out and caught hers from under the table. She trembled at the contact but didn't recoil.
"Buffy do you...want to talk about...?"
Her eyes were completely unguarded when she squeezed his hand in response. Spike smiled. Neither let go until Willow came down after the others, and even then their fingers only casually slid apart until there was no more room to hold on.
Willow must've seen something in Spike's gaze because she asked, "Um...Spike? Can I....talk....to you for a second?"
He glared at her and then at Buffy who deliberately looked away. Spike stared at Buffy and even Willow could see he was hurt. "Yeah...sure."
The witch led him to the back storage room and then declared in an angry whisper, "Stop."
"Stop what?"
"Whatever it is you're doing or trying to do. Buffy's vulnerable now with Angel or Riley not here to comfort her...and I don't want your pulling her into something she'll regret later."
Every fiber that was in him wanted to reach out and strangle her and let her tiny body fall to the floor in a deserted heap. He wanted to do the same to every one of them who sat around this table each day and didn't notice even one thing wrong with bringing someone back from the dead, the stupid children who didn't think of anyone but themselves when they tore Buffy away from deserving peace.
But he couldn't do that so instead he growled. Loudly. "You don't know what you're talking about witch. I suggest you shut that mouth of yours before...."
"Look Buffy is my friend and I..."
"Your friend? Yeah, right."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Spike realized he'd let out too much and relented, sighing. "All right....all right. I'll leave the slayer be. Just get the hell away from me."
"Thank you. I'm sorry that I didn't..."
Spike pushed her out of his way, not even looking back as he left. Willow turned and looked at Buffy, who was staring at the door with a blank look on her face.
When she came back to the table everyone but Buffy was in research mode. They were researching just to research really; there hadn't been any new beasties in town since Buffy's return. And no one was happier about this than the slayer.
But she didn't look too happy now. She turned to Willow. "Why'd Spike leave?"
"I asked him to do something for me." Willow lied, her nose in "Demon Dimensions: A Timeline."
"Oh."
Willow looked up from her book excitedly. "Ooo....look at this guys it says that..."
"Hey I think I'm gonna go patrol."
All eyes turned and looked in Buffy's direction. Xander looked concerned. "Are you sure? We can..."
"No, no...it's okay. Can you guys bring Dawn home?"
Willow and Tara exchanged looks. "Yeah...sure."
Buffy leaned down to kiss her sister's forehead, smiling down at her sleeping form. Then she smiled at them all, and headed out the door without another word.
Anya sighed. "Why is she so...?"
"Blah?" Xander finished.
She smiled at him and leaned over for a kiss. "Exactly."
"Buffy's not...blah, she's just getting used to this all again. It's hard. I'll bet it's hard!"
Tara ran her fingers along Willow's back, calming her down some. "Of course she's fine. Just frazzled."
They all exchanged looks again and then went back to reading. Xander got up from the table. "I'm gonna go home then."
Anya got up too. "I'm also..." she started to say but thought better of it.
With both of them gone Willow fell back into Tara's arms, sighing. "I feel like I'm the bad guy. When did I become the bad guy?"
"You're not the bad guy, honey. Why do you...?"
"Because Buffy never wants to be around me, and Xander looks at me like I'm gonna zap him at any chance I get."
Tara smiled, her arm itself around Willow's as she talked. "Well...I don't think you're a bad guy."
Willow smiled up at her, turning her head so it rested against her girlfriend's midriff. "I know...that. That's because you understand me. And you trust me. I'm not so trustworthy in their eyes anymore."
Tara closed her eyes, blindly linking her fingers with Willow's. "I'm sorry."
"So am I."
"I love you."
"I know. I love you too Tara." Willow whispered, kissing Tara's hand and trembling just a little.
***************
Buffy stood silently outside of Spike's crypt, contemplating.
Was this normal? Was it normal to want to, to need to, talk to Spike?
She realized she didn't really care, and opened the gate. Everything was quiet inside. She sighed, wandering around inside.
"I had a feeling, you know?"
She turned around violently, going instantly into her fighting stance. Then she saw Spike was leaning against the wall behind her.
"God, you scared me," she whispered, relaxing.
"Aren't slayers supposed to...sense...vampires?"
She walked over to where he stood, leaning against the same wall. "You'd think so, but this slayer's had a hard time sensing anything lately."
His face fell and he took he hand slowly.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm fine."
Spike held tighter, pulling their linked hands up to meet the moonlight. "Well if you were fine I don't think you'd be letting me do this....do you?"
She yanked her hand away violently and started to pace in front of him. "I...it's...I'm starting to have...dreams..."
"Dreams from where?"
"Uh...under...in the..."
"You remember being dead, then?"
Her head went up and eyes met his. "I...am dead. You of all people should know that."
He looked at her a moment, as if evaluating. "Well....I wasn't sure anyone else realized it yet. How you hold yourself and all that....Buffy..." he started to say, walking towards her.
She backed away but he kept on talking. "Buffy you're back on earth now...alive. More alive than I am...still." he smiled, hoping to make her do the same.
She just stared. "I feel dead. I don't....I can't...try and be anything else."
Though he knew he was being a parasite, jerk, and lowest of all bastards, and it seemed like such a stupid thing to do at this point, Spike pulled her chin up and kissed her with everything he had.
She kissed him back tentatively at first, putting one arm to the back of his head, then both seemed permanently attached. Then, she started leading him to the wall and Spike had to pull away before he couldn't anymore.
"Hell....hell Buffy...you...you don't seem dead to me at all..." he said, not able to look her in the eyes.
She was silent, so silent that he had to look up. And when he did, she was smiling back at him.
The smile suddenly broke out into a seductive grin and then a shy blush. "Wow...that was..." she mumbled, not looking at him either.
"Slayer..."
She looked up, confused. "No more Buffy?"
"You like it when I call you Buffy now?"
"Yeah, I do. And I..." she stopped.
Spike ran fingers through his hair. "Buffy what was that? I didn't think you'd..."
"Wasn't that the point? Not thinking?"
He laughed nervously. "Yes...I mean no. No! Damnitt Buffy I..."
Buffy walked closer to him again, and this time he backed away. She smiled. "I'm not gonna bite you Spike."
"You sure about that?"
"You're scared of me now? Things really have changed."
Spike sighed. "I'm not afraid of you."
She moved closer to him again, and Spike moved closer to her. Buffy touched the side of his face with her fingertips and smiled when he leaned into it. "I guess not."
"Buffy..." he whispered.
"Spike..." she said, now almost laughing.
"Don't...I...if this isn't what I'm thinking it is, I don't know if I..."
"Shut up Spike. Please?"
He moved, his mouth now kissing her fingers. She sighed at the tears that were wetting her hand. When he stopped Buffy held her breath. "I love you." he whispered.
"I know Spike. That's why I trust you so much."
His eyes showed promise and pain when he added for her, "But not enough."
She took his hand, enjoying the cold on warm feeling they made. It reminded her of heaven, in only that way, because Spike was not Angel. "You make me feel. I know it's only been a week since I...got back... but I wake up everyday wishing I was dead."
"You need me to feel alive? A dead man?"
Buffy stroked his cheek. "You're not dead, Spike. Not by a long shot." she whispered, this time kissing him before he could kiss her.
*****************
As dawn approached in the sky, Willow woke up with a start. Sweat littered her forehead, and she could barely breathe. She looked down at Tara, who was still as sound asleep. Then she closed her eyes and sighed inwardly.
It was getting harder to sleep at night. The dreams came more and more often, and they were usually about Buffy each and every time. Buffy was underneath her crying, begging her not to plunge the dagger in. 'I don't want to die Willow....Willow please, what's wrong with you? I love you.'
Willow shook her head, then looked down at her hands. She saw the blood glistening off of them a moment, then it disappeared.
But she was fine. Just fine.
She got dressed, heading downstairs to the kitchen when Buffy's open bedroom door caught her eye. Willow peered inside only to find the room empty, though the bed looked slept in. Shrugging she went downstairs to the kitchen.
"Buffy? Buffy are you down here?" she half whispered, wandering around the lower half of the house.
She found Buffy lying on the couch in the same clothes she'd been wearing last night. The slayer was awake watching TV.
"Buffy you scared me..."
Buffy turned toward her voice. "Sorry I....well I just didn't want to wake anyone last night so I crashed down here. I got home late. Is Dawn still asleep?"
Willow nodded. "Yeah...patrolling tough last night?"
"Killed almost eight last night, new ones rising all over the place I think it must have been a holiday or something." she joked, her eyes now staring at the TV again.
Willow was momentarily startled. Buffy seemed so much better. She'd made a joke!
"Yeah maybe...you...uh...want to go out for breakfast with me? We can be back in time for you to drive Dawn."
Buffy yawned. "You know what? I think I just might go to sleep. I got maybe an hour of sleep last night."
"Bad dreams?"
"Some, no more than usual. Except for those killer clowns." she joked again.
Willow smiled, her heart feeling so wonderful. Buffy was acting so normal it seemed like a miracle.
"Oh them? Still?"
They both laughed, Willow more, though she didn't notice it.
*********************
With Willow gone off to get doughnuts and off her back, Buffy climbed into bed with Dawn.
Dawn stirred, opening her eyes a little. "Hi."
Buffy ran fingers through her sister's hair. "Hey...you mind?"
"No what's the occasion?"
"Tired...plus Willow will leave me be for a while."
Dawn nodded, understanding. "Well she's got a reason to worry, we all missed you while you were away."
Buffy kissed her sister's forehead. "I missed you too Dawnie."
Dawn smiled. "You were late last night."
Buffy's eyes opened a bit and she smiled. "And how do you know that?"
"I saw you with Spike out front at like four, I think. I was up getting something to drink."
"Oh...well we ran late. Don't squeal on me though. Willow's kind of mad that Spike's hanging around me so much."
Dawn put her arms around Buffy's midriff, sighing. Her eyes closed and she whispered, "I won't."
Buffy hugged her back, sighing. "I know. I trust you...so does Spike."
Dawn's eyes opened immediately, though Buffy was already asleep. She pulled her sister's arm closer to her, but not close enough to view the bite mark on the slayer's left shoulder.
***********************
I've marked her.
The thought had gone through his head all night long, sending joyous feelings down each and every length of him. For once, Spike was happy and this time he wanted to stay that way.
I've marked her.
How or why he'd done it remained a mystery to him. That wasn't true. She'd openly offered her neck to him, and he'd accepted the offer like any man in love would. Or at least, any vampire would. Though it had hurt him horribly, rendering him half-unconscious most of the night, he didn't care about the lingering pain. Not one bit.
I've marked her Angelus. Just like you.
Well not just like Angel did, but similarly. Just not in the same spot or for the same amount of time. Her blood had helped the pain some, though not as much as they'd both hoped it would. Buffy had felt guilty for some time afterward, though once he'd gotten back into the swing of things she saw the effect it had on him.
It had taken Angel four years to mark her, to get her to trust him so much that she'd give herself to safe his life....for Spike it had only taken this one year as her unwilling partner and a large amount of build trust. He took a large satisfaction from the fact that he hadn't needed to be half-dead for her to offer her neck.
A large vindictive part of him wanted to call up his sire and gloat, but the other knew it would hurt the one person who'd always understood him even when that understanding had resulted in causing him pain. Plus he didn't want Angel to know Buffy was alive, and back for him to have a second chance with.
Spike knew that was exactly what Angel would do if he found out. He knew the man too well.
AUTHOR: Boreanaz
EMAIL: Boreanaz@aol.com
DISCLAIMER: All things Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel are owned by Joss Whedon,, the UPN&
WB television networks and anyone else who holds the copyright to both of the series. No copyright
infringement is intended.
DISTRIBUTION: E-mail me if you want it.
RATING: I'll just say R in case I get any more into it.
CONTENT: Buffy/Spike
SPOILERS: Up to Flooded
SUMMARY: After Buffy tells Spike she was in Heaven, something starts to grow from just a few touches. And everyone has their own opinions....especially Angel.
Although a part of him knew it was best he forget what she'd told him all Spike could do was stare at Buffy in awe each and every time he saw her.
He thought no one else could endure such pain and live that way every day until she told him her secret. Just him. And just knowing she trusted him made hoping she could love him all that much easier.
"Spike."
He came out of his daze to find her staring at him. The others were in the upstairs book stacks, which meant the two of them were alone. "Slayer."
She smiled. "Don't go all formal on me now, vampire. And....could you stop staring at me that way? The others are getting sort of suspicious," she whispered.
If he still had the ability Spike knew he'd be blushing. "Oh...oh sure yeah. I just..."
"I know."
His fingers reached out and caught hers from under the table. She trembled at the contact but didn't recoil.
"Buffy do you...want to talk about...?"
Her eyes were completely unguarded when she squeezed his hand in response. Spike smiled. Neither let go until Willow came down after the others, and even then their fingers only casually slid apart until there was no more room to hold on.
Willow must've seen something in Spike's gaze because she asked, "Um...Spike? Can I....talk....to you for a second?"
He glared at her and then at Buffy who deliberately looked away. Spike stared at Buffy and even Willow could see he was hurt. "Yeah...sure."
The witch led him to the back storage room and then declared in an angry whisper, "Stop."
"Stop what?"
"Whatever it is you're doing or trying to do. Buffy's vulnerable now with Angel or Riley not here to comfort her...and I don't want your pulling her into something she'll regret later."
Every fiber that was in him wanted to reach out and strangle her and let her tiny body fall to the floor in a deserted heap. He wanted to do the same to every one of them who sat around this table each day and didn't notice even one thing wrong with bringing someone back from the dead, the stupid children who didn't think of anyone but themselves when they tore Buffy away from deserving peace.
But he couldn't do that so instead he growled. Loudly. "You don't know what you're talking about witch. I suggest you shut that mouth of yours before...."
"Look Buffy is my friend and I..."
"Your friend? Yeah, right."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Spike realized he'd let out too much and relented, sighing. "All right....all right. I'll leave the slayer be. Just get the hell away from me."
"Thank you. I'm sorry that I didn't..."
Spike pushed her out of his way, not even looking back as he left. Willow turned and looked at Buffy, who was staring at the door with a blank look on her face.
When she came back to the table everyone but Buffy was in research mode. They were researching just to research really; there hadn't been any new beasties in town since Buffy's return. And no one was happier about this than the slayer.
But she didn't look too happy now. She turned to Willow. "Why'd Spike leave?"
"I asked him to do something for me." Willow lied, her nose in "Demon Dimensions: A Timeline."
"Oh."
Willow looked up from her book excitedly. "Ooo....look at this guys it says that..."
"Hey I think I'm gonna go patrol."
All eyes turned and looked in Buffy's direction. Xander looked concerned. "Are you sure? We can..."
"No, no...it's okay. Can you guys bring Dawn home?"
Willow and Tara exchanged looks. "Yeah...sure."
Buffy leaned down to kiss her sister's forehead, smiling down at her sleeping form. Then she smiled at them all, and headed out the door without another word.
Anya sighed. "Why is she so...?"
"Blah?" Xander finished.
She smiled at him and leaned over for a kiss. "Exactly."
"Buffy's not...blah, she's just getting used to this all again. It's hard. I'll bet it's hard!"
Tara ran her fingers along Willow's back, calming her down some. "Of course she's fine. Just frazzled."
They all exchanged looks again and then went back to reading. Xander got up from the table. "I'm gonna go home then."
Anya got up too. "I'm also..." she started to say but thought better of it.
With both of them gone Willow fell back into Tara's arms, sighing. "I feel like I'm the bad guy. When did I become the bad guy?"
"You're not the bad guy, honey. Why do you...?"
"Because Buffy never wants to be around me, and Xander looks at me like I'm gonna zap him at any chance I get."
Tara smiled, her arm itself around Willow's as she talked. "Well...I don't think you're a bad guy."
Willow smiled up at her, turning her head so it rested against her girlfriend's midriff. "I know...that. That's because you understand me. And you trust me. I'm not so trustworthy in their eyes anymore."
Tara closed her eyes, blindly linking her fingers with Willow's. "I'm sorry."
"So am I."
"I love you."
"I know. I love you too Tara." Willow whispered, kissing Tara's hand and trembling just a little.
***************
Buffy stood silently outside of Spike's crypt, contemplating.
Was this normal? Was it normal to want to, to need to, talk to Spike?
She realized she didn't really care, and opened the gate. Everything was quiet inside. She sighed, wandering around inside.
"I had a feeling, you know?"
She turned around violently, going instantly into her fighting stance. Then she saw Spike was leaning against the wall behind her.
"God, you scared me," she whispered, relaxing.
"Aren't slayers supposed to...sense...vampires?"
She walked over to where he stood, leaning against the same wall. "You'd think so, but this slayer's had a hard time sensing anything lately."
His face fell and he took he hand slowly.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm fine."
Spike held tighter, pulling their linked hands up to meet the moonlight. "Well if you were fine I don't think you'd be letting me do this....do you?"
She yanked her hand away violently and started to pace in front of him. "I...it's...I'm starting to have...dreams..."
"Dreams from where?"
"Uh...under...in the..."
"You remember being dead, then?"
Her head went up and eyes met his. "I...am dead. You of all people should know that."
He looked at her a moment, as if evaluating. "Well....I wasn't sure anyone else realized it yet. How you hold yourself and all that....Buffy..." he started to say, walking towards her.
She backed away but he kept on talking. "Buffy you're back on earth now...alive. More alive than I am...still." he smiled, hoping to make her do the same.
She just stared. "I feel dead. I don't....I can't...try and be anything else."
Though he knew he was being a parasite, jerk, and lowest of all bastards, and it seemed like such a stupid thing to do at this point, Spike pulled her chin up and kissed her with everything he had.
She kissed him back tentatively at first, putting one arm to the back of his head, then both seemed permanently attached. Then, she started leading him to the wall and Spike had to pull away before he couldn't anymore.
"Hell....hell Buffy...you...you don't seem dead to me at all..." he said, not able to look her in the eyes.
She was silent, so silent that he had to look up. And when he did, she was smiling back at him.
The smile suddenly broke out into a seductive grin and then a shy blush. "Wow...that was..." she mumbled, not looking at him either.
"Slayer..."
She looked up, confused. "No more Buffy?"
"You like it when I call you Buffy now?"
"Yeah, I do. And I..." she stopped.
Spike ran fingers through his hair. "Buffy what was that? I didn't think you'd..."
"Wasn't that the point? Not thinking?"
He laughed nervously. "Yes...I mean no. No! Damnitt Buffy I..."
Buffy walked closer to him again, and this time he backed away. She smiled. "I'm not gonna bite you Spike."
"You sure about that?"
"You're scared of me now? Things really have changed."
Spike sighed. "I'm not afraid of you."
She moved closer to him again, and Spike moved closer to her. Buffy touched the side of his face with her fingertips and smiled when he leaned into it. "I guess not."
"Buffy..." he whispered.
"Spike..." she said, now almost laughing.
"Don't...I...if this isn't what I'm thinking it is, I don't know if I..."
"Shut up Spike. Please?"
He moved, his mouth now kissing her fingers. She sighed at the tears that were wetting her hand. When he stopped Buffy held her breath. "I love you." he whispered.
"I know Spike. That's why I trust you so much."
His eyes showed promise and pain when he added for her, "But not enough."
She took his hand, enjoying the cold on warm feeling they made. It reminded her of heaven, in only that way, because Spike was not Angel. "You make me feel. I know it's only been a week since I...got back... but I wake up everyday wishing I was dead."
"You need me to feel alive? A dead man?"
Buffy stroked his cheek. "You're not dead, Spike. Not by a long shot." she whispered, this time kissing him before he could kiss her.
*****************
As dawn approached in the sky, Willow woke up with a start. Sweat littered her forehead, and she could barely breathe. She looked down at Tara, who was still as sound asleep. Then she closed her eyes and sighed inwardly.
It was getting harder to sleep at night. The dreams came more and more often, and they were usually about Buffy each and every time. Buffy was underneath her crying, begging her not to plunge the dagger in. 'I don't want to die Willow....Willow please, what's wrong with you? I love you.'
Willow shook her head, then looked down at her hands. She saw the blood glistening off of them a moment, then it disappeared.
But she was fine. Just fine.
She got dressed, heading downstairs to the kitchen when Buffy's open bedroom door caught her eye. Willow peered inside only to find the room empty, though the bed looked slept in. Shrugging she went downstairs to the kitchen.
"Buffy? Buffy are you down here?" she half whispered, wandering around the lower half of the house.
She found Buffy lying on the couch in the same clothes she'd been wearing last night. The slayer was awake watching TV.
"Buffy you scared me..."
Buffy turned toward her voice. "Sorry I....well I just didn't want to wake anyone last night so I crashed down here. I got home late. Is Dawn still asleep?"
Willow nodded. "Yeah...patrolling tough last night?"
"Killed almost eight last night, new ones rising all over the place I think it must have been a holiday or something." she joked, her eyes now staring at the TV again.
Willow was momentarily startled. Buffy seemed so much better. She'd made a joke!
"Yeah maybe...you...uh...want to go out for breakfast with me? We can be back in time for you to drive Dawn."
Buffy yawned. "You know what? I think I just might go to sleep. I got maybe an hour of sleep last night."
"Bad dreams?"
"Some, no more than usual. Except for those killer clowns." she joked again.
Willow smiled, her heart feeling so wonderful. Buffy was acting so normal it seemed like a miracle.
"Oh them? Still?"
They both laughed, Willow more, though she didn't notice it.
*********************
With Willow gone off to get doughnuts and off her back, Buffy climbed into bed with Dawn.
Dawn stirred, opening her eyes a little. "Hi."
Buffy ran fingers through her sister's hair. "Hey...you mind?"
"No what's the occasion?"
"Tired...plus Willow will leave me be for a while."
Dawn nodded, understanding. "Well she's got a reason to worry, we all missed you while you were away."
Buffy kissed her sister's forehead. "I missed you too Dawnie."
Dawn smiled. "You were late last night."
Buffy's eyes opened a bit and she smiled. "And how do you know that?"
"I saw you with Spike out front at like four, I think. I was up getting something to drink."
"Oh...well we ran late. Don't squeal on me though. Willow's kind of mad that Spike's hanging around me so much."
Dawn put her arms around Buffy's midriff, sighing. Her eyes closed and she whispered, "I won't."
Buffy hugged her back, sighing. "I know. I trust you...so does Spike."
Dawn's eyes opened immediately, though Buffy was already asleep. She pulled her sister's arm closer to her, but not close enough to view the bite mark on the slayer's left shoulder.
***********************
I've marked her.
The thought had gone through his head all night long, sending joyous feelings down each and every length of him. For once, Spike was happy and this time he wanted to stay that way.
I've marked her.
How or why he'd done it remained a mystery to him. That wasn't true. She'd openly offered her neck to him, and he'd accepted the offer like any man in love would. Or at least, any vampire would. Though it had hurt him horribly, rendering him half-unconscious most of the night, he didn't care about the lingering pain. Not one bit.
I've marked her Angelus. Just like you.
Well not just like Angel did, but similarly. Just not in the same spot or for the same amount of time. Her blood had helped the pain some, though not as much as they'd both hoped it would. Buffy had felt guilty for some time afterward, though once he'd gotten back into the swing of things she saw the effect it had on him.
It had taken Angel four years to mark her, to get her to trust him so much that she'd give herself to safe his life....for Spike it had only taken this one year as her unwilling partner and a large amount of build trust. He took a large satisfaction from the fact that he hadn't needed to be half-dead for her to offer her neck.
A large vindictive part of him wanted to call up his sire and gloat, but the other knew it would hurt the one person who'd always understood him even when that understanding had resulted in causing him pain. Plus he didn't want Angel to know Buffy was alive, and back for him to have a second chance with.
Spike knew that was exactly what Angel would do if he found out. He knew the man too well.