Rating: PG-13 (angst, language, suicide, character death)
Disclaimer: E&C don't belong to me- apparently Santa didn't get my Christmas list. All lyrics copyright of Creed (gotta love that angsty Scott Stapp) Used without permission.
**Christian**
I looked at my watch again, for the fifth time in as many minutes. Eight-thirty now. For some reason, for the sake of my own sanity, probably, I had convinced myself that he would come. That it would be as easy as a few pictures and well-chosen words to erase all the hurt and pain I had caused him. Now reality was intruding once again and I knew it was over. I had lost my brother forever. Worse, I had no one but myself to blame for it. I kept seeing his face over and over again, the hatred in his eyes when I had surprised the whole family by showing up for Christmas dinner like nothing had ever happened between Edge and me. Part of me had hoped that if I pretended nothing had happened, then we could put it all behind us. Stupid, I know. I hadn't even made it all the way to the table before he stood up, cursing and saying that he wouldn't eat in the same house with me. Mom started crying, telling him I was his brother, for god sakes.
"I don't have a brother anymore."
I could still hear his reply echoing in my head, stinging a little more each time his words repeated. He had stood up and stormed past me toward the door, but stopped and turned when he reached me, as if daring me to try and hit him. I didn't move a muscle, I couldn't. I didn't want to fight anymore; I just wanted it to all be over. I just wanted my brother back. I had that smirk on my face, I know I did. I couldn't help it, like some sadistic part of me had to prove that his words didn't hurt me, I had to pretend I didn't care.
I looked down at my watch again. Quarter to nine. Snow started to fall. I looked out over the pedestrian bridge I was standing on to the town lights along the riverbank. When we were kids, Edge and I used to come out here to see the town's riverfront Christmas lights every winter night until they were taken down. It was only a short walk from the house where we had grown up together, and we would stand out here for hours with our arms around each other, not needing to speak, just happy in each other's company.
Jesus, God. What the hell was I thinking? Something had snapped in me that night. After all the years of hard work; the blood, the sweat, the tears- I should have been happy for him, watching him stand there with the second most important title in the business in his hands. But instead all I could think of was what about me? All my life it's been Edge. Edge and his sidekick, his brother Christian. I can't explain, and I'm done trying to excuse it. I just wanted some of the spotlight for once. I wanted everybody to see me- just me, just Christian. Not Edge and Christian, not Edge's little brother Christian. Just me. I thought that once I was on my own people would finally have to recognize me. I thought it would finally give me the chance to prove that I was as good as him. That if people could see me without him- just for a while- then they would realize that they were underestimating me and I would finally get some of the respect and admiration he had.
I looked around me, down the length of the bridge, but it was empty save for me. Most of the town spent their winter nights below on the river's ice. I leaned over, watching the families play. Parents teaching their little ones to skate for the first time; the older kids starting up an impromptu game of hockey. Ten after nine, now. Over an hour, and he's never been late in his life. Gingerly, I climbed up onto the wide cement railing and stood there looking downriver at the small figures skating across the smooth ice, their screams and laughter just barely reaching my ears before the wind tugged it away. God I'm sorry, Edge. I didn't mean for it to be this way. I didn't mean for it to go so far.
[One Last Breath]
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down
I'm so far down
Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's something left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding on to all I think is safe