Just as she was getting into a particularly exciting dream, Buffy fell into another nightmare. This was like all the others, waking up in her coffin with no air, pounding on the lid and tearing it apart. Trying to find her way through the horrible blackness to some sort of light....but then....
Someone grabbed her hand and started to pull her up out of the black. When she got to the surface Angel was there, smiling. "You know I'd never let you drown in that darkness."
"Angel, you're..."
He smiled. "Here? Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? I heard you calling for me."
Buffy looked at him, confused. "What....where's...?"
"Who?"
"No one, no one. Just...hold me. Please. I need you so much Angel."
He opened his arms out to her, and she fell into them like a rag-doll, breathing him in. "I know...I know...but I'm here Buffy...when you need me I'll always be..."
"Slayer."
Buffy turned her head, looking over towards the voice. Spike was standing right in front of her grave, crying. She stared, and almost jumped when Angel spoke. "He mourns you."
"I know."
"He doesn't need to. But he does. He loves you."
"I know. I love you too."
Angel laughed. "What Buffy?"
She looked up at him, her eyes widening. "Oh, sorry I was off somewhere."
Angel indicated Spike's prone figure, which started to shake violently. "There?"
"No....Angel are you staying with me this time?"
"Buffy, I love you sweetheart... but....did you honestly think I'd ever touch your skin again after you let him mark you?" he said softly, kissing the top of her head.
~~~~
She came awake abruptly, wheezing for air. The bedroom was empty and she was glad for once Dawn had foregone a good bye. Sighing, she turned her head towards the window and closed her eyes.
God, that was a horrible dream. Worse than the others had been. Angel being in it....somehow made it worse.
Is this all a mistake? Is there even a reason to need him?
She wanted to be with him now. Things were so much more fun with Spike. It was hard to open up to Willow and Tara.
Buffy wished they'd just leave her and Dawn alone. This was her house.
The phone rang in Dawn's bedroom and she leaned over to answer it. "Hello?"
"Slayer?"
Spike.
"Yeah, it's me. What are you doing awake?"
She heard him laugh. "Nothin' else here to do. I called an hour ago, but Willow told me you were asleep."
"And...?"
"Not to call you unless it had to do with dead people. I told her it did."
Buffy grinned. "So how is that dead person doing?"
"Bored out of his mind actually. Can't seem to make the poor bugger feel any better. Thought you might want to help me put him out of his misery."
"Well...I don't know..."
He whined. "I'd like to see you. To talk this time."
Her smile flattened out into a small grimace. "Yeah...okay. I have to go shopping anyway."
"Shopping?"
"Yes, shopping."
"Couldn't think of a better excuse, eh?"
She laughed. "Yeah. Can you?"
"How about the...you're 20 years old and can do whatever you want excuse?"
She sighed. "Well they're worried about me, that's all."
"They don't have a right to be." She was silent and Spike knew he was getting to her. "All right just....come?"
"Yeah, I will."
"Okay. I'll....I....I...Buffy.... Buffy I love you."
Buffy smiled, twirling a strand of her around her finger. "I know Spike, I know."
"Bye."
"Bye."
She hung up the phone and sighed again. I'm hurting him.
The thought wouldn't go out of her mind that this was all staring to hurt her.
She knew that she was old enough, no one was her keeper that was for sure. Why should wanting to be around Spike, even kissing Spike have to be a secret?
This was her third life.
Her third life.
No one else's.
********************
Dawn was sitting outside, not eating lunch. She had a sandwich, apple, and a bottle of water in front of her, but there was too much on her mind for food to taste good today.
She looked to her right, noticing how few people actually ate outside. It was so nice out here, so beautiful. She'd started seeing everything in a whole new light now that Buffy was back where she belonged, back home. Part of her felt that she owed that much to God, and to herself.
Despite what everyone else thought, Dawn had an idea of why Buffy was so distant. Especially since Buffy wasn't distant to her or to Spike, just to everyone else. Everyone else who'd helped bring her back home.
"I was in hell...and you got me out. Thank you."
It wasn't true. She knew her sister better than the others did and wherever Buffy had been, it was obvious she still wanted to be there now. No one wanted to go back to hell, which meant she'd been in heaven with Mom...resting, finally at peace for the first time in her life. Maybe even some version of Angel had been there too and...
"Angel." she whispered, eyes narrowing.
Buffy and Angel were soul mates, or that's what everyone had always said, right? But shouldn't the other half of the same soul know when its mate was back on earth again? Shouldn't that be a rule or something?
If Angel was really Buffy's soul mate he should know she was alive.
He shouldn't be told at all.
Buffy would be much safer...and happier if she continued to do....whatever it was she was doing with Spike. He wouldn't hurt her. Dawn trusted him with both hers and her sister's lives, loved him like a brother, and would care if he were gone.
While, despite all of Angel's amazing attributes, she hated him. He put her sister through so much pain, more than anyone else ever had. Even if she didn't really know him, she remembered him. Remembered hearing Buffy crying in her room at night over him, over and over again.
The memories weren't real, but they sure felt real to her. Which meant they probably were real to Buffy.
She sighed, kicking a rock into the pile of leaves in front of her. The bell rang and she looked at her watch. 12:15, which meant she had her free period next, then came English Lit her least favorite class of the whole day.
Dawn reached into her pocket and fished out a piece of paper. Then she looked back at her watch. She had plenty of time.
When she got to the phones and found them empty, it seemed like a sign. And she held onto it, dialing. Hopefully he wouldn't be cranky being woken up so early.
"Hi, it's me."
***************
Spike was wide-awake when she called, though he feigned sleepiness. "Dawn, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to call you. To say hi and stuff."
"It's in the middle of the day pet, you didn't just call to say hello and chat me up. What's going on?"
"I....I just wanted to see if there's...you brought Buffy home last night."
He paused, considering. "Yeah, I did."
"She trusts you a lot now, with everything. I'm worried about her Spike and she won't..."
"Talk to Buffy about this pet, not me. I'm not one to go give out people's private things. Buffy and I..."
"You kissed her. I saw you last night. The two of you. She was hanging on your neck and you..."
Spike almost dropped the phone. "I dunno what you're talkin' about....you must've been havin' some strange dreams last night, pet."
She laughed. "Fine, fine. She's okay, though?"
"Your big sis is fine, she's just been through a lot. I'm tryin' to..."
"I know and....I'm so glad it's you Spike, and not him."
He was silent, unable to speak. Dawn took that as an out. "Look I gotta go, thanks for answering the phone so early....and...when you see Buffy, tell her I love her."
"I... I will."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Dawn hung up the phone before he did, and Spike listened to the dial tone for a few minutes before hanging up.
He heaved one huge sigh, and then swore softly. "Buffy's gonna be pissed."
***************************
After putting some clothes into the washing machine, Willow came back from the basement and saw Tara sitting at the counter eating a piece of toast. She smiled. "Morning."
"Morning. Still worried about Buffy?"
Willow sighed, going straight to the fridge for some orange juice. "Of course she's...well she's different...from before. It's hard not to be."
She felt Tara's arms envelop her from behind and she leaned into the embrace. "It's gotta be hard though. Coming back to all of us, trying to feel real again. She's been through a lot."
"I know, I know. It's just....hey where is Buffy anyway?"
Tara kissed Willow's throat enjoying the sigh that emerged from her girlfriend's lips. "Oh, she left while you were downstairs."
Willow's eyes were closed and a small smile lingered on her lips. "Where to?"
"She didn't say."
Instantly Tara felt her lover stiffen. "She didn't say?"
"No. Willow she's fine. She's not gonna go get killed. I mean she is the slayer. She's stronger than all of us put together."
Willow detangled herself from her and went to the cabinet to get a glass. "I know she is."
"Maybe....maybe being extra cautious around her isn't...helping."
Willow turned and faced her. "You think I'm smothering her?"
"I didn't..."
"She was dead Tara. I lost her and now she's back and I....I can't...I can't lose her to...anything again. And I'm sorry if you don't understand..."
"I do understand!" Tara put her arm out to touch Willow's shoulder but the other witch moved away from her.
"I...I'm gonna go...I don't know. I just got to get out of here."
"Willow..."
"I can't..."
"Willow please you can't just...." Tara pleaded, her eyes full of fear.
Willow shook her head and went out the back door.
************************
"Buffy, Dawn knows."
He sighed taking a long drag on his eighth fag, then looked down at those remaining, feeling like a dehydrated corpse.
"No, that won't work...Buffy, your sister called and....no, no that just sounds..."
Spike was pacing the length of the upper level of his crypt, trying to think of a way to tell Buffy about the conversation he and Dawn had just shared. So far nothing seemed to fit the situation well. Every time the words came out of him they sounded so horrible he couldn't fathom saying them to her without getting a punch in the face, or at least a good kick in the crotch.
The fact that their situation had changed overnight didn't seem to reassure him protection from her anger. He still wasn't sure what their situation had changed into.
He threw the filter on the floor and stepped on it with a loud clang. He was about to start practicing again when she came through the doorway.
"What are you doing?"
He jumped and then tried to smile without looking guilty. "Nothing I was just....um...."
She came up and put her arms around him, smiling. "What did you do that has you so scared?"
"Me? I didn't...nothing."
"Spike..."
He smiled at her then leaned in and kissed her softly. She deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck and hanging there when their mouths parted. He tried not to look any more guilty under her gaze, though that seemed impossible to Buffy herself.
"Promise not to get mad."
"No."
He sighed. "Okay then...um....how about...we go downstairs first and..."
She laughed a little, holding him tighter. "Now I know it's horrible. What did you do?"
"Maybe...maybe you should sit down for this."
Her smile faded. "Oh...kay."
He led her to the stone slab he'd once dreamt of kissing her on and they sat. Spike held on to both of her hands and looked into her eyes. She trusted him, he could tell. Then he spoke.
"Dawn called me."
"What? When? She's at school."
He nodded, tightening his hold. "She called me from school."
"Why?"
His eyes went to the floor and Buffy knew what he was going to say before he even said it.
"She saw us kissing last night and... she sort of wanted to tell me she approves."
He waited a moment before looking at her again and then decided to just look. He was shocked to see she was smiling at him. "Is that all? God I thought you'd killed someone."
"You're not upset."
"No, should I be? I mean, Dawn's Dawn. She's my sister and I would have liked to have told her myself but I guess that option's gone."
Spike stared at her oddly. "You're not upset?"
Buffy gently pushed him down onto the stone slab and positioned herself so that she was straddling him.
"Nope. Now...let's get down to more important things."
"But...if Dawn knows then next someone else could know. Like Xander and Anya, and then Willow..."
"I don't care anymore what Willow wants for me Spike. I want this. I want to be here...with you. Don't you get that?"
He nodded, staring at the floor. "I do...but...I guess what I don't get is...why?"
Buffy thought on that some, trying to come up with the plainest answer possible. There didn't seem to be one that didn't involve feeling or emotion in some way. She climbed off of him and looked ready to bolt.
Spike grabbed her arm and waited.
"I...what if I say I can't answer that fully right now? Would...would you never want to..."
He turned her towards him and shook his head. "I won't make you do something you don't want to do, slayer. I never will."
She sighed and put her arms around him again. "I just....want to be with you. Isn't that something...for now?"
He held her tightly, trying to be as gentle as possible. Though she was a slayer, that didn't mean she was entirely stronger than him right now. "That's not something, love. That's everything."
Buffy looked up at him with a small smile, her eyes about ready to tear but forcing themselves not to. She kissed him slowly, and then started to move him towards the stairway that led downstairs to the bedroom. He stopped her and put a hand on her cheek. She kissed his fingers and then grinned. "Let's go downstairs, k?"
"Y'sure?"
She almost knocked him down the stairs when she jumped, wrapping her legs around him. Spike held her in place, grinning. "I'm sure."
They both grinned and then made their way towards the steps with their mouths in constant battle all the way down.
When they got to the bed Buffy fell back onto it, and Spike peeled her legs away for a moment. He stared at her. "This is too soon."
"No..."
He sighed, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. Buffy put her arms around him in a hug. "It's not too soon. It's been way too long if you ask me."
"Buffy you....you're hurting and you don't even know...."
"What I'm doing? Oh please. Spike you know me better than that. I may have just come back from the dead but I always know what I'm doing."
Buffy could feel him laugh in her bones and relished in the feeling that created. "Yeah I guess you do."
"So...?"
"I still think this is too soon."
She fell back onto the bed, groaning. "Spike..." she whined. Spike had to hold back a laugh.
"Buffy..." he mimicked.
She rolled over onto her stomach and glared at him. "You're no fun, you know that?"
"Ahh, so that's it."
Her eyebrows crinkled in confusion. "What?"
"That's how I remind you of Angel."
Buffy launched herself onto his back and started to tickle him in any place she could think of. Spike put his arms up in protest and she stopped. "You practically handed that one to me Slayer, there was no way I couldn't use it."
She glared still and then broke out into a grin. "Okay, I guess I did. But no more Angel jokes. Coming from you they make me laugh too much and then I feel bad."
Spike laughed at that and Buffy kissed him to make him stop.
"Now..."
"Now."
"I think that tonight you and I should..."
"Should...?"
Buffy kissed him again, running her fingers through his hair. He rolled her over onto her back and started tugging at her shirt. She pulled it off in turn and then started tugging at his.
"I thought it was too soon," she teased, licking her lips as he threw his black t-shirt over his head.
"It is....doesn't mean we can't still have fun."
She grinned and threw him onto his back. "I'm so lucky you're such a fun guy."
"Yes baby, you are."
He then flipped her onto her back and leaned in close enough she could feel his mouth on her chin. Spike's hands traveled from her stomach to her cheekbones and his fingers stopped to linger.
"I missed you Buffy."
Her smile faded and she just watched him with eyes that were changing day by day.
"I know, baby. I'm so glad you didn't forget me."
"There's no way that could be possible."
She slowly kissed him, starting on his lower lip and suckling there for a moment. She smiled when he moaned and he smiled when she whimpered just a little.
"I..." she started to whisper, but Spike cut her off with another gentle attack of her mouth with his tongue.
Pushing back what she'd almost confessed, Buffy put all of her feelings into kissing. There was no way she'd think about what could've almost happened...
"Buffy..."
"I need you. Now."
Spike smiled at her, his eyes looking almost entirely different than they'd looked a second ago.
"Tonight then," he mumbled against her mouth.
Buffy exhaled into him, and he'd never felt more alive.
********************
Someone grabbed her hand and started to pull her up out of the black. When she got to the surface Angel was there, smiling. "You know I'd never let you drown in that darkness."
"Angel, you're..."
He smiled. "Here? Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be? I heard you calling for me."
Buffy looked at him, confused. "What....where's...?"
"Who?"
"No one, no one. Just...hold me. Please. I need you so much Angel."
He opened his arms out to her, and she fell into them like a rag-doll, breathing him in. "I know...I know...but I'm here Buffy...when you need me I'll always be..."
"Slayer."
Buffy turned her head, looking over towards the voice. Spike was standing right in front of her grave, crying. She stared, and almost jumped when Angel spoke. "He mourns you."
"I know."
"He doesn't need to. But he does. He loves you."
"I know. I love you too."
Angel laughed. "What Buffy?"
She looked up at him, her eyes widening. "Oh, sorry I was off somewhere."
Angel indicated Spike's prone figure, which started to shake violently. "There?"
"No....Angel are you staying with me this time?"
"Buffy, I love you sweetheart... but....did you honestly think I'd ever touch your skin again after you let him mark you?" he said softly, kissing the top of her head.
~~~~
She came awake abruptly, wheezing for air. The bedroom was empty and she was glad for once Dawn had foregone a good bye. Sighing, she turned her head towards the window and closed her eyes.
God, that was a horrible dream. Worse than the others had been. Angel being in it....somehow made it worse.
Is this all a mistake? Is there even a reason to need him?
She wanted to be with him now. Things were so much more fun with Spike. It was hard to open up to Willow and Tara.
Buffy wished they'd just leave her and Dawn alone. This was her house.
The phone rang in Dawn's bedroom and she leaned over to answer it. "Hello?"
"Slayer?"
Spike.
"Yeah, it's me. What are you doing awake?"
She heard him laugh. "Nothin' else here to do. I called an hour ago, but Willow told me you were asleep."
"And...?"
"Not to call you unless it had to do with dead people. I told her it did."
Buffy grinned. "So how is that dead person doing?"
"Bored out of his mind actually. Can't seem to make the poor bugger feel any better. Thought you might want to help me put him out of his misery."
"Well...I don't know..."
He whined. "I'd like to see you. To talk this time."
Her smile flattened out into a small grimace. "Yeah...okay. I have to go shopping anyway."
"Shopping?"
"Yes, shopping."
"Couldn't think of a better excuse, eh?"
She laughed. "Yeah. Can you?"
"How about the...you're 20 years old and can do whatever you want excuse?"
She sighed. "Well they're worried about me, that's all."
"They don't have a right to be." She was silent and Spike knew he was getting to her. "All right just....come?"
"Yeah, I will."
"Okay. I'll....I....I...Buffy.... Buffy I love you."
Buffy smiled, twirling a strand of her around her finger. "I know Spike, I know."
"Bye."
"Bye."
She hung up the phone and sighed again. I'm hurting him.
The thought wouldn't go out of her mind that this was all staring to hurt her.
She knew that she was old enough, no one was her keeper that was for sure. Why should wanting to be around Spike, even kissing Spike have to be a secret?
This was her third life.
Her third life.
No one else's.
********************
Dawn was sitting outside, not eating lunch. She had a sandwich, apple, and a bottle of water in front of her, but there was too much on her mind for food to taste good today.
She looked to her right, noticing how few people actually ate outside. It was so nice out here, so beautiful. She'd started seeing everything in a whole new light now that Buffy was back where she belonged, back home. Part of her felt that she owed that much to God, and to herself.
Despite what everyone else thought, Dawn had an idea of why Buffy was so distant. Especially since Buffy wasn't distant to her or to Spike, just to everyone else. Everyone else who'd helped bring her back home.
"I was in hell...and you got me out. Thank you."
It wasn't true. She knew her sister better than the others did and wherever Buffy had been, it was obvious she still wanted to be there now. No one wanted to go back to hell, which meant she'd been in heaven with Mom...resting, finally at peace for the first time in her life. Maybe even some version of Angel had been there too and...
"Angel." she whispered, eyes narrowing.
Buffy and Angel were soul mates, or that's what everyone had always said, right? But shouldn't the other half of the same soul know when its mate was back on earth again? Shouldn't that be a rule or something?
If Angel was really Buffy's soul mate he should know she was alive.
He shouldn't be told at all.
Buffy would be much safer...and happier if she continued to do....whatever it was she was doing with Spike. He wouldn't hurt her. Dawn trusted him with both hers and her sister's lives, loved him like a brother, and would care if he were gone.
While, despite all of Angel's amazing attributes, she hated him. He put her sister through so much pain, more than anyone else ever had. Even if she didn't really know him, she remembered him. Remembered hearing Buffy crying in her room at night over him, over and over again.
The memories weren't real, but they sure felt real to her. Which meant they probably were real to Buffy.
She sighed, kicking a rock into the pile of leaves in front of her. The bell rang and she looked at her watch. 12:15, which meant she had her free period next, then came English Lit her least favorite class of the whole day.
Dawn reached into her pocket and fished out a piece of paper. Then she looked back at her watch. She had plenty of time.
When she got to the phones and found them empty, it seemed like a sign. And she held onto it, dialing. Hopefully he wouldn't be cranky being woken up so early.
"Hi, it's me."
***************
Spike was wide-awake when she called, though he feigned sleepiness. "Dawn, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to call you. To say hi and stuff."
"It's in the middle of the day pet, you didn't just call to say hello and chat me up. What's going on?"
"I....I just wanted to see if there's...you brought Buffy home last night."
He paused, considering. "Yeah, I did."
"She trusts you a lot now, with everything. I'm worried about her Spike and she won't..."
"Talk to Buffy about this pet, not me. I'm not one to go give out people's private things. Buffy and I..."
"You kissed her. I saw you last night. The two of you. She was hanging on your neck and you..."
Spike almost dropped the phone. "I dunno what you're talkin' about....you must've been havin' some strange dreams last night, pet."
She laughed. "Fine, fine. She's okay, though?"
"Your big sis is fine, she's just been through a lot. I'm tryin' to..."
"I know and....I'm so glad it's you Spike, and not him."
He was silent, unable to speak. Dawn took that as an out. "Look I gotta go, thanks for answering the phone so early....and...when you see Buffy, tell her I love her."
"I... I will."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Dawn hung up the phone before he did, and Spike listened to the dial tone for a few minutes before hanging up.
He heaved one huge sigh, and then swore softly. "Buffy's gonna be pissed."
***************************
After putting some clothes into the washing machine, Willow came back from the basement and saw Tara sitting at the counter eating a piece of toast. She smiled. "Morning."
"Morning. Still worried about Buffy?"
Willow sighed, going straight to the fridge for some orange juice. "Of course she's...well she's different...from before. It's hard not to be."
She felt Tara's arms envelop her from behind and she leaned into the embrace. "It's gotta be hard though. Coming back to all of us, trying to feel real again. She's been through a lot."
"I know, I know. It's just....hey where is Buffy anyway?"
Tara kissed Willow's throat enjoying the sigh that emerged from her girlfriend's lips. "Oh, she left while you were downstairs."
Willow's eyes were closed and a small smile lingered on her lips. "Where to?"
"She didn't say."
Instantly Tara felt her lover stiffen. "She didn't say?"
"No. Willow she's fine. She's not gonna go get killed. I mean she is the slayer. She's stronger than all of us put together."
Willow detangled herself from her and went to the cabinet to get a glass. "I know she is."
"Maybe....maybe being extra cautious around her isn't...helping."
Willow turned and faced her. "You think I'm smothering her?"
"I didn't..."
"She was dead Tara. I lost her and now she's back and I....I can't...I can't lose her to...anything again. And I'm sorry if you don't understand..."
"I do understand!" Tara put her arm out to touch Willow's shoulder but the other witch moved away from her.
"I...I'm gonna go...I don't know. I just got to get out of here."
"Willow..."
"I can't..."
"Willow please you can't just...." Tara pleaded, her eyes full of fear.
Willow shook her head and went out the back door.
************************
"Buffy, Dawn knows."
He sighed taking a long drag on his eighth fag, then looked down at those remaining, feeling like a dehydrated corpse.
"No, that won't work...Buffy, your sister called and....no, no that just sounds..."
Spike was pacing the length of the upper level of his crypt, trying to think of a way to tell Buffy about the conversation he and Dawn had just shared. So far nothing seemed to fit the situation well. Every time the words came out of him they sounded so horrible he couldn't fathom saying them to her without getting a punch in the face, or at least a good kick in the crotch.
The fact that their situation had changed overnight didn't seem to reassure him protection from her anger. He still wasn't sure what their situation had changed into.
He threw the filter on the floor and stepped on it with a loud clang. He was about to start practicing again when she came through the doorway.
"What are you doing?"
He jumped and then tried to smile without looking guilty. "Nothing I was just....um...."
She came up and put her arms around him, smiling. "What did you do that has you so scared?"
"Me? I didn't...nothing."
"Spike..."
He smiled at her then leaned in and kissed her softly. She deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck and hanging there when their mouths parted. He tried not to look any more guilty under her gaze, though that seemed impossible to Buffy herself.
"Promise not to get mad."
"No."
He sighed. "Okay then...um....how about...we go downstairs first and..."
She laughed a little, holding him tighter. "Now I know it's horrible. What did you do?"
"Maybe...maybe you should sit down for this."
Her smile faded. "Oh...kay."
He led her to the stone slab he'd once dreamt of kissing her on and they sat. Spike held on to both of her hands and looked into her eyes. She trusted him, he could tell. Then he spoke.
"Dawn called me."
"What? When? She's at school."
He nodded, tightening his hold. "She called me from school."
"Why?"
His eyes went to the floor and Buffy knew what he was going to say before he even said it.
"She saw us kissing last night and... she sort of wanted to tell me she approves."
He waited a moment before looking at her again and then decided to just look. He was shocked to see she was smiling at him. "Is that all? God I thought you'd killed someone."
"You're not upset."
"No, should I be? I mean, Dawn's Dawn. She's my sister and I would have liked to have told her myself but I guess that option's gone."
Spike stared at her oddly. "You're not upset?"
Buffy gently pushed him down onto the stone slab and positioned herself so that she was straddling him.
"Nope. Now...let's get down to more important things."
"But...if Dawn knows then next someone else could know. Like Xander and Anya, and then Willow..."
"I don't care anymore what Willow wants for me Spike. I want this. I want to be here...with you. Don't you get that?"
He nodded, staring at the floor. "I do...but...I guess what I don't get is...why?"
Buffy thought on that some, trying to come up with the plainest answer possible. There didn't seem to be one that didn't involve feeling or emotion in some way. She climbed off of him and looked ready to bolt.
Spike grabbed her arm and waited.
"I...what if I say I can't answer that fully right now? Would...would you never want to..."
He turned her towards him and shook his head. "I won't make you do something you don't want to do, slayer. I never will."
She sighed and put her arms around him again. "I just....want to be with you. Isn't that something...for now?"
He held her tightly, trying to be as gentle as possible. Though she was a slayer, that didn't mean she was entirely stronger than him right now. "That's not something, love. That's everything."
Buffy looked up at him with a small smile, her eyes about ready to tear but forcing themselves not to. She kissed him slowly, and then started to move him towards the stairway that led downstairs to the bedroom. He stopped her and put a hand on her cheek. She kissed his fingers and then grinned. "Let's go downstairs, k?"
"Y'sure?"
She almost knocked him down the stairs when she jumped, wrapping her legs around him. Spike held her in place, grinning. "I'm sure."
They both grinned and then made their way towards the steps with their mouths in constant battle all the way down.
When they got to the bed Buffy fell back onto it, and Spike peeled her legs away for a moment. He stared at her. "This is too soon."
"No..."
He sighed, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. Buffy put her arms around him in a hug. "It's not too soon. It's been way too long if you ask me."
"Buffy you....you're hurting and you don't even know...."
"What I'm doing? Oh please. Spike you know me better than that. I may have just come back from the dead but I always know what I'm doing."
Buffy could feel him laugh in her bones and relished in the feeling that created. "Yeah I guess you do."
"So...?"
"I still think this is too soon."
She fell back onto the bed, groaning. "Spike..." she whined. Spike had to hold back a laugh.
"Buffy..." he mimicked.
She rolled over onto her stomach and glared at him. "You're no fun, you know that?"
"Ahh, so that's it."
Her eyebrows crinkled in confusion. "What?"
"That's how I remind you of Angel."
Buffy launched herself onto his back and started to tickle him in any place she could think of. Spike put his arms up in protest and she stopped. "You practically handed that one to me Slayer, there was no way I couldn't use it."
She glared still and then broke out into a grin. "Okay, I guess I did. But no more Angel jokes. Coming from you they make me laugh too much and then I feel bad."
Spike laughed at that and Buffy kissed him to make him stop.
"Now..."
"Now."
"I think that tonight you and I should..."
"Should...?"
Buffy kissed him again, running her fingers through his hair. He rolled her over onto her back and started tugging at her shirt. She pulled it off in turn and then started tugging at his.
"I thought it was too soon," she teased, licking her lips as he threw his black t-shirt over his head.
"It is....doesn't mean we can't still have fun."
She grinned and threw him onto his back. "I'm so lucky you're such a fun guy."
"Yes baby, you are."
He then flipped her onto her back and leaned in close enough she could feel his mouth on her chin. Spike's hands traveled from her stomach to her cheekbones and his fingers stopped to linger.
"I missed you Buffy."
Her smile faded and she just watched him with eyes that were changing day by day.
"I know, baby. I'm so glad you didn't forget me."
"There's no way that could be possible."
She slowly kissed him, starting on his lower lip and suckling there for a moment. She smiled when he moaned and he smiled when she whimpered just a little.
"I..." she started to whisper, but Spike cut her off with another gentle attack of her mouth with his tongue.
Pushing back what she'd almost confessed, Buffy put all of her feelings into kissing. There was no way she'd think about what could've almost happened...
"Buffy..."
"I need you. Now."
Spike smiled at her, his eyes looking almost entirely different than they'd looked a second ago.
"Tonight then," he mumbled against her mouth.
Buffy exhaled into him, and he'd never felt more alive.
********************