Rating: PG-13 (angst, language, suicide, character death)
Disclaimer: E&C don't belong to me- apparently Santa didn't get my Christmas list. All lyrics copyright of Creed (gotta love that angsty Scott Stapp) Used without permission.
**Edge**
Sometime just before nine I finally gave into my conscience. After all, it was a new year, right? Turning over a new leaf and all that. Yeah, right. I rooted around in the garage and pulled out a lead pipe, tucking it inside my jacket before hopping in my truck. Just in case, I told myself. Yeah, right. Truth be told, I didn't really want to fight Christian anymore. Yeah, I talked a good game, convinced myself that I was going down there to kick his ass, but fighting him made me feel more miserable inside than anything I felt on the outside.
Have you ever gotten one of those ass-whuppings from your parents- the kind where they sit you down beforehand and explain to you how this is going to hurt them more than it'll hurt you? I could have told Christian that with a straight face and meant every word of it; because inside part of me knew he had been right when he had accused me of jealousy. People had just brushed it off as bitter ramblings of a jealous little brother. Edge jealous of Christian? Not likely. But he had come closer to the truth than any of them had suspected. See, Christian said that all his life its been Edge, Edge, Edge; but all my life its been Christian. He was the miracle baby; conceived unexpectedly, born far too early, not expected to survive his first week of life. When he was only two weeks old they took him off life-support and let me into the neo-natal intensive care unit, where kids weren't usually allowed, so I could meet my little brother and say good-bye to him. Live for me, I had begged him instead. And he had. From the first time they were finally able to bring him home from the hospital my parents were going on about how I would need to take care of Christian. Look out for your baby brother, Edge. They needn't have asked, there was nothing I wanted to do more.
Everything he did was so much greater in their eyes because of the simple fact that he wasn't supposed to have been able to survive, let alone run, play hockey, or wrestle. And I didn't mind, believe it or not. I stood up for him, he got into fights and I was there for him, helping however I could. We were together and that's the way it was supposed to be, Edge and Christian. But he was right, in a way. I just couldn't stand the thought of him as WCW champion; I was tired of coming to his rescue. I was always there for him like a good brother and where had it gotten me? He wanted to be a singles champion- let him do it on his own for once. Some might say that's the way it should be, let him fight his own fights, but they're wrong. We were supposed to have each other's backs- Edge and Christian. Forever. No matter how much he hated me, I hated myself more for letting him down. I felt guilty, and somewhere along the line that guilt changed into anger. So we took out a lifetime of resentments on each other; it spiraled out of control and neither of us knew how to stop it.
Now, not quite ten minutes later, I parked my truck a short distance from the bridge, thinking that if Christian had any friends hanging around it would be easier for me to sneak away unnoticed if I was on foot. I wasn't even sure if he would still be there, it was well over an hour after he asked me to meet him, but I gripped the lead pipe inside my coat and trudged through the knee-deep snow. I was determined to see this thing through to the end, one way or another.
For a split second I thought the bridge was empty, I couldn't see anything except the heavily falling snow, it was like being inside one of those snow globes. Then I saw him. He was standing on the railing of the bridge, looking out over the river, facing away from me. His long, blonde hair was loose and swept off his shoulders by the gusting wind. A nearby lamppost illuminated him from above, and my breath caught in my throat. He looked like an angel. My feet stopped of their own accord, and I just stood there watching, breathless, as he spread his arms outwards like a bird spreading its wings for the first time.
I don't think I realized what he was doing at first, then it hit me with a dread certainty. I lurched into a clumsy run, stumbling in the deep drifts of snow. He leaned forward and I tried to call his name, but all that would come out was a dry sort of croak. Maybe he heard me anyway, or maybe he wanted to hear me so badly he just imagined that he did. He turned his head to look at me and I will never forget that look on his face for the rest of my life- fear, sadness, regret, but most of all joy. He was happy to see me. After all he had done to me- all we had done to each other- my little brother was happy to see me again. You could have lit up half of downtown with the grin on my face. Christian turned to jump back down onto the bridge and slipped. He slipped. My knees went weak and gave way as I watched him fall backward over the railing and out of sight.
I think I screamed. Hell, I know I screamed. I tried to run to him, but I couldn't get up. It felt like there was a weight crushing me, nearly pinning me to the ground, my heart was slamming in my chest but I couldn't draw in enough air. My head was swimming and for a minute I was afraid I would black out, but somehow I was able to make it back to my feet and I half crawled, half ran through the snow to the bridge. I reached the spot where I had last seen him and slammed to a stop, leaning as far over the railing as I could. He was still there, dangling quietly and looking up at me. Relief flooded through my veins before I realized the precariousness of his position. He was barely hanging onto the rails by his fingertips, all of his concentration working to keep his hold on the icy cement. And he just looked at me, a child-like look of wonder and surprise playing across his features.
"You came." he said, quietly. He might have been commenting on the weather from his tone of voice.
Of all the things to say. Not "Help me" or "I can't hold on" or even "I'm sorry". Just "You came".
"Christian, baby, just hold on. Please." He was the one dangling from a bridge and I was the one with the hysterical voice. I reached over the railing for him, but even my long arms were far too short to reach him. Looking over his head I could see figures on the ice skating toward us, pointing up and yelling. I crawled onto the railing and reached down again. Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized how asinine that was, common sense told me that once he let go of his hold and grabbed onto me, his weight would pull both of us down, but I didn't care. I hadn't gotten my brother back just to loose him again so quickly. I grabbed onto his wrists and tried to pull him upward. He wouldn't let go of his grip on the rails.
"Edge..." he whispered.
"Just grab onto me, Christian." He shook his head.
"It won't work; we'll both fall."
"I don't care!" I shouted at him. I let go of him for a second to search for a better brace for my feet, he saw me let him go and he let go of the railing, tumbling backward, refusing to pull us both down. I didn't even hesitate, I just dove for him, my hands grabbing for and catching his hands just before he moved out of reach. My knees scraped the concrete and ice as his weight pulled me down, then I was free of the bridge and we were both falling, rushing toward the icy river below. I remember telling myself that the ice was thick, but not thick enough to hold either of us falling from that height. I remember telling myself that I was going to die. And there was nothing- no bright, heavenly light, no dead relatives waiting to greet me. I didn't see my life flash before my eyes. I only saw Christian in my arms. I remember he smiled at me, and I smiled back. It was like flying. Then we hit the ice and crashed through. And there was pain like nothing I had ever felt before. And cold. So cold... Time passed, darkness came...
~~~*****~~~
And then there was a light, and Christian's face leaning over mine, hair like a golden halo framing his face. I could see other faces in the background, people bustling around purposefully. I could hear the humming and beeping of machinery and the strong smell of antiseptic invaded my awareness. I squinted up at Christian against the bright hospital lights. So, we had made it- somehow against the odds we had both made it. I reached for him, but I was so tired, my body felt so weak. He took my hand and held it in his two.
"I missed you," I whispered weakly. He smiled... brushed his lips across my hand... I sighed and let the darkness reclaim me...
[My Sacrifice]Hello my friend we meet again
It's been a while where should we begin...feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
I remember
When you are with me
I'm free...I'm careless...I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around in an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let's find peace there
When you are with me
I'm free...I'm careless...I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice