Rating: PG-13 (angst, language, suicide, character death)
Disclaimer: E&C don't belong to me- apparently Santa didn't get my Christmas list. All lyrics copyright of Creed (gotta love that angsty Scott Stapp) Used without permission.
**Christian**
I held him like that for hours, his hand in mine. I leaned down and brushed his hair from his face and whispered to him while he fought for his life. I told him how much I loved him, how sorry I was for everything I had done, how I would make it all up to him if he would just hang on... For hours I talked to him like that, watching his life slip away; I was still holding his hand as the heart monitor flat lined. I didn't cry, I just kept talking to him, just kept telling him that I loved him, telling him I was sorry, like a sacred mantra that would bring him back if only I repeated it enough. One of the nurses finally pulled me away and then the tears came... they had to sedate me eventually and take me back to my own room. He shouldn't have died; I was the idiot trying to kill myself, why should it have taken them so long to find him under the ice when I popped back up right away? The sedatives took effect and I blacked out in my hospital bed.
~~~*****~~~
I suppose they thought they had plenty of time before the drugs wore off to come and check on my mental condition. There weren't really any sharp objects around anyway, so I suppose they thought they didn't have to worry. I suppose they didn't realize I had already tried to kill myself once that night...
I woke up in a dark and empty room, alone again. It seemed like I had been alone for so long, but for one brief moment on that bridge when something made me turn my head at the last minute and I had seen Edge- when he smiled at me- I thought that the loneliness was gone. For one brief moment, I thought I had gotten the only Christmas present I had wished for this year- I thought I had gotten my brother back.
My pillow was wet, I was crying again. My nose was stuffy and my head felt two sizes too small. I pushed the covers to the side and staggered to my feet, the sedatives were still heavy in my veins and caused me to wobble as I made my way slowly to the bathroom. Bumps and bruises. Edge dies, and that's all I'd come away with. I had to stay overnight for observation, but he would never come home again. Somehow he'd twisted our bodies around in midair, maneuvering under me so that he'd absorbed most of the impact when we had landed. Again I'd lost my brother, and again I had only myself to blame.
I didn't bother to turn the light on the bathroom, or to shut the door behind me. I looked at myself in the dark mirror over the sink. Then I went back out into the room and looked around, my eyes falling on the small lump made by Edge's coat. I remembered it had felt heavy. I picked it up and felt inside the large inner pocket, pulling out the lead pipe he had concealed in there and glancing it over. I didn't blame him for that, its no less than I would have done had it been me. How he had even trusted me enough to come down there in the first place was beyond me. Not after everything I had done to him. I shifted the pipe from hand to hand, testing its weight, and shuffled back to the bathroom with it, this time flipping on the light and closing and locking the door behind me.
As weak and groggy as I was from the sedatives, it took three blows to the mirror before a few shards finally fell into the sink. I picked one up and examined the sharp edges it made. I dragged it across one wrist and watched the blood well up and fountain over my arm and onto the clean white floor. I started to shake. I tried to transfer the piece of mirror to the other hand, but my hands were trembling too badly and I dropped it. It flew across the floor and shattered into hundreds of tinier, worthless pieces.
Somebody outside called my name. I picked up another larger piece from the sink and pressed down firmly, dragging it across the other wrist. Somebody banged on the bathroom door, calling my name again. The second cut began to spurt. I collapsed onto the floor, smearing the blood that was pooling there already. Again they banged on the door, then it shuddered with the force of somebody trying to break it open. I scooted across the floor and leaned back against it heavily, closing my eyes and panting with exhaustion. My ears were ringing, I noticed the first wrist had begun to bleed more heavily from my exertion.
"Christian, don't do this," a voice next to me said. I opened my eyes slightly to look at Edge. I tried to say something, but I couldn't speak, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the door. He touched my cheek... I felt something touch my cheek. How could he touch me if he was dead? I was tired... the sedatives, blood loss. The door shuddered again. I just wanted to go to sleep...
"You can't do this Christian. Mom and Dad are on their way here; you can't do this to them," he grabbed my arms at the wrists and held them there. I opened my eyes and watched him. He wasn't quite solid, didn't look quite real. Of course he didn't, he was dead. I noticed that when he touched me, the blood flow slowed down significantly. I tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn't let me out of his grip. It was like being touched by warm light. The door shuddered again, this time cracking open and pushing me forward about an inch. I looked at Edge again. He looked like he was fading now. He touched my face, brushing his fingertips across my lips. I started crying again.
"Take me with you, please Edge," I reached for him, but my arm went through him. He smiled down at me sadly, just a ghost of his famous smile. The door heaved again and I was pushed forward another inch. "I just wanna be with you... take me with you."
He leaned over, fading rapidly and so transparent he was barely visible, and kissed me. I moaned out loud, it was like tasting and touching the warmest, purest, sweetest light imaginable.
"Live for me," he whispered and then his voice faded too and he was gone. The door was shoved open violently, pushing me across the room. Nurses and orderlies rushed in, surveying the damage and quickly bandaged my bleeding wrists, then hurried me off to the emergency room. I wanted to die... I wanted to be with my brother again. I cried for them to leave me alone, to let me go, but nobody would listen. My brother had given his life for me... but I would have given my own to bring him back.
~~~*****~~~
... time passes slowly. The deepest wounds heal even slower. They say time heals all wounds, but it will never heal this emptiness inside. I can barely even make out the faint scars that mar my wrists anymore, but the scars inside are still livid and fresh. I missed your funeral, locked away in a padded room with a single small window too high for me to reach. It was months before I could face the fact that you were truly gone and I was on my own for the first time in my life. How many more times did I try to end that life? I lost count. It was many more months before I could even begin to think about taking your final request to heart. I lived, but only reluctantly.
It's early October now, fall is exploding with color and all around me everything is celebrating life in the face of the encroaching death of winter. And now I begin to understand what you wanted. As I stand beside your grave, a gentle autumn wind plays with my hair and for a moment in the soft sigh and rustle of the leaves overhead I think I can hear your voice calling softly to me. Live for me, baby brother. Don't just survive, live. I will live for you Edge, and you will live in me.
[Hide]To what do I owe this gift my friend?
My life, my love, my soul?
I've been dancing with the devil for way too long
And its making me grow old
Making me grow old
Let's leave- oh let's get away
Get lost in time
Where there's no reason left to hide
Let's leave- oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
What are you gonna do with your gift dear child?
Give life, give love, give soul
Divided is the one who dances
For the soul is so exposed
So exposed
Let's leave all this and get away
Get lost in time
Where theres no reason left to hide
Let's leave- oh let's get away
Run in fields of time
Where there's no reason left to hide
No reason to hide
There is no reason to hide...