Author's Notes:

Please review for I depend on it for my story's progress. Many thanks to the people who reviewed my fic! *snif* I'm so happy! This fanfic is for my sister so that she'll realize that Sano & Megumi are good together, NOT Sayo. :p No, I don't hate Sayo… not that much!

If any of you know any good Sano & Megumi fics or Aoshi & Misao fics (the longer the better!), please send an email or leave it in the review section to let me know. (Most probably ones outside FanFiction.net) Arigatou!

My Beta- Reader: Akai Kuu. Thank you so much! *_*

Disclaimer: I don't own Samurai X, Kaoru does…

===== denotes a flashback

~*@@@*~ denotes another scene

Wasn't That Love?

By: g3ozLizh

Chapter 3

Hearing the faint chatter of the early morning, Megumi stirred in her sleep. She groggily opened her eyes --- gosh, they felt heavy --- and tried to stretch when she noticed that she had slept behind her desk. Her back cracked as she tried to sit upright. She felt some soreness there but not the kind of soreness she felt from her eyes, nor the hollow feeling in her chest. Slowly she stood up, feeling a bit dizzy. She was walking towards the sink when she caught her reflection on the mirror on the medicine cabinet. She stopped in her tracks. She had to double check if the reflection was really her, for what she saw didn't click to her mind as herself. She walked cautiously towards the mirror, as if she was afraid she would scare the woman in the mirror away. Lifting a shaky hand, her fingers grazed the cold surface and flinched when she realized it was really herself.

Scrutinizing the reflection in the mirror, she saw that her eyes were so red that she would have mistaken it as a very severe case of sore eyes. My eyes are sore. She sarcastically thought. Not only that, her eyes are watery and puffy too. Cheeks that were usually porcelain and smooth to the touch were very much pale and a bit sticky. Lips that were always red are now dry and dull. Her nose was red too, as if she had blown it all throughout the night. Well, I did, didn't I!? She now became aware of the pieces of tissue strewn all over the floor.

She drew in a shaky breath; All of the things she saw came together and implied one thing: it confirmed that last night had really happened. Her vision blurred and she stared at the mirror blindly.

Oh, Kami-sama, no… She wrapped her arms around herself, body bent as fresh tears surged down her cold cheeks. She silenced her cries and in the process made her whole body shake. Her wobbly legs gave way and she fell in a heap on the floor. She rocked herself back and forth, trying to soothe the overwhelming depressing emotions to a minimum. I have to stop crying… or else I'll dry myself out. She thought vehemently.

Then a familiar thought entered her mind. It was almost comforting that she welcomed it openly. Almost. The memories all came rushing back to her like water coming down from the falls. Its impact was so great that for a moment, she stopped crying completely. Vivid memories of her trying to take her own life manifested themselves, as if trying to hint something. It's all too much, Megumi. How much more are you willing to take? Could you bear to go on like this forever? To love but just to be trampled upon in return? But another thought argued to that. Then again, remember what Ken-san said. You have to go on. Death is not the answer for the peace that you're trying to seek. Rather, you have to will yourself to keep on living and help others… those who are in dire need of your help. To give ---

Yes, to give, and expect nothing back. She firmly implanted that to her mind, nodding vigorously. She stopped when her head throbbed in pain. Maybe I'll live my life forever like this, that my purpose in being here still is to atone for my sins ----

And never have the right to be happy?! A voice at the back of her mind countered back, as if trying to talk some sense into her. She angrily ignored that voice, not having the energy to argue with it.

Feeling drained, for all hopes in attaining happiness were wrenched away from her, she tiredly pushed herself up into a standing position. To give and expect nothing back…

Give Sano the freedom… I have to stop thinking about my own happiness. We were always arguing and I think that there was never a time that Sano and I really got along. She poured herself some water and drank it. The cool liquid felt good as it traveled down her parched throat. She stared blankly at the small bowl containing the water; Her vision starting to cloud. But I always thought --- assumed may be more like it ---- that those bickering and snide comments weren't just that. I always felt… somewhere inside of me that it meant something… She was so afraid to say the word, so afraid that if she said it, it would make her ask herself if it really was love that Sano felt for her in the first place. Knowing Sano, he's such a big flirt. Megumi couldn't help smiling at that --- a little. But that personality may be the reason why he's with Sayo right now, not with her. Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe without it, she wouldn't have gotten close with him.

I should have seen that coming. I shouldn't have let my guard down so easily. Again, tears started to fall down her already tear-streaked face. She vigorously brushed them away. Men are all the same. I should have learned from my first experience with Kanry --- She abruptly stopped. No, she thought that she had forgotten about him already. But how could she, when slightly visible bruises where still there, hidden… to where a man so violent and evil… to touch the places she would never allow…

Then her thought drifted to Sano. She had dreamed so many nights, prayed so many times, that it would be him to change her notion about that. She had always seen vividly in her daydreams that Sano would be the one to be able to touch her… and the last. But now, he shares that with Sayo. She didn't realize that she was still clutching the small bowl filled with water until she felt big drops splash on her hand. She looked down: her hands were shaking. This time, the tears that she thought were gone fell in big droplets. The one thing that I… that I… She dropped the bowl to cover her face with her hands. It crashed on the floor, splattering its tiny sharp pieces everywhere, but she barely noticed. To her, it was just a reflection of her own heart.

Damn you, Sano! Rage suddenly replaced the hollowness and sadness --- the hurt in her heart. Was I just one of your women you came to when in need? I understand that is just the way you are… but do you have to do this to me… when you knew all along that I loved you… love you . And still you played with my feelings. Her back touched a hard surface and she leaned on it, welcoming the feeling of coolness that it offered… so unlike her raging emotions. Why, Sano? Why? She had trouble breathing now. Why did you do it? Why did you do it… with her? She choked out. Why? WHY? WHY? WHY?

She had always hoped --- and she did feel that she had a place in Sano's heart. And now Sayo had taken that away from her. It seemed to be always, always and she thought or she felt. It dawned to her now that these things were just… that. Unsure. Doubtful. Maybe even never in the first place. So now what were those feelings she felt? Illusions? A fragment of her imagination? Now she was so confused. She didn't know where she stood anymore. So confused…

And once again, she broke down in tears.

~ * @@@ * ~

Kaoru, Kenshin, Yahiko… the three people whom she considered as her family were oh so far away. All of them are in Aoiya right now, paying a visit to Misao and Aoshi. She herself had been invited but declined the offer for she just couldn't leave the clinic… and besides, she had expected that their time away would give her a chance to sort out her feelings for Sanosuke. The latter itself had refused the offer, saying aloud that he too had important matters to undertake. At that, he had glanced at Megumi, and Megumi's had heart fluttered, although she didn't dare show her real reaction. She had just given Sano a withering glare.

So much for her expectation. Look where she was right now. She would have just gone with the others if she had known that they would be away for that long, almost a month. And she would have accepted the offer without second thoughts if she had seen this coming. Maybe then, none of these things would be happening right now. Sure, maybe it would be inevitable that Say --- that girl would come here, no doubt about it. But at least, she wouldn't have the time and space to nurture her feelings for Sano just to have it taken away from her and thrown away like a glass out the window, shattered to jagged pieces. Maybe then, with the little feeling she kept for Sano back then, she wouldn't be hurting as much as she was right now, right at this very moment, that Sano and… and her will be together.

Really? That mocking voice made itself heard again. Maybe it would have fanned the fire more knowing that if you hadn't had those times with Sano, you'd never be able to know if he indeed had feelings for you. That for once in his god-forsaking life, he loved you. Loved you…

And I'm supposed to be thankful for that?! Megumi thought indignantly. But she knew, even though it pained her, that that voice was right. She knew deep down in her heart that she would have gone crazy if Sano and Sa --- Sayo ---there! ---were together without her having the chance to at least, manifest her love and be loved in return. Note that: loved.

She shifted on her seat near the window, gazing out the little orchard from her room. Earlier that morning, right after she had refreshed herself, she had gone out to tell Dr. Genzai to give her a day off. The fatherly doctor, having seen her face, instinctively asked her what was wrong. She's so dedicated to her work that it is rare occurrence that she would give herself a rest day… unless something grave happened. Of course she insisted that it was not a big problem, really. The fatherly figure just nodded, brows creased, knowing full well that it was a big problem. And Megumi didn't have the strength to really convince the doctor, he knew her far too well. She would just be wasting her breath explaining things that wouldn't even strike a spot. But being the understanding person that Dr. Genzai was, he just went with the flow, knowing that Megumi herself would just come and tell him what has been bothering her when the time was right, when she was ready.

She felt guilty lying to Dr. Genzai and for leaving him all alone to do the all the work. But what could she do? She would be of no help anyway if her mind were thousands of miles away. Rather, she would just be a burden if she insisted on doing the job.

She also felt disgusted with herself. She was a doctor after all. It's profession first before personal matters --- especially emotions. Sheesh! She had been trained to stay in control, to be one step ahead of it.

What good would it do to her --- and her patients --- if she was emotional? Like I am right now. A gentle breeze wafted over her face, clearing the fog in her mind, and making her realize something, bringing some sense into her depression-dense conscience. But I'm only human after all. I easily falter, just like everybody else, one point or another in life.

A sudden urge to get out of the room made her stand up and walk towards the door. With nothing to do, and in no condition to do her customary work, she decided to just clean the whole house.

She was surprised by the energy that she possessed -she was able to scrub the house to a squeaky clean condition. After a while, she grew tired of it, having to polish the same space over and over again. Still with the restlessness inside, she figured that since it was near lunchtime, it would be a good idea to cook food, and deliver some to Dr. Genzai's.

She resolved to go out of the front gate, along with the hot dish and maybe try to see how Dr. Genzai had been doing. She was about to round a corner to go to the clinic when she overheard a conversation that made her stop and her heart wrench.

"Did you meet that new doctor?" A man asked his lady companion.

"Oh, you mean Sayo-chan? She's not a doctor, just good at it."

"Yeah, have you seen that Sagara guy's hand? It looked better than it had for weeks!" He made a gesture with his hands. "The wounds are almost healing."

Megumi wanted to tell the man straight out that the reason Sagara's hand is healing is not due to Sayo's skill but because he doesn't have time anymore to engage in his old antics for he --- For he's busy juggling the two of you. Her mind became clouded again so she resumed walking. Her face may have been the picture of a calm mask but deep inside, she was seething. She was still in the dark as to how Sano kept his relationship with Sayo a secret while playing around with her and her not knowing it. Usually, she was very keen to these kinds of things. Having her troubled past taught her that much. And I can't ask him that now. I don't think I want to know the answer anyway!

She was so engrossed with her thoughts that she wasn't able to move out of the way before a person running bumped into her, causing her to stagger and lose her balance. She let out a little yelp but was caught just in time by strong hands. She heaved a sigh of relief and looked up to her saviour. She breathed in sharply.

The man stood still in his position, gaping.

It was Sanosuke.

Author's Notes:

Yeah, I know. It's angsty, (I hope it is) just the way I like it. Angsty but with a happy ending of course. So, what do you think of it so far? Should I continue? ^,^ I really think that Sano and Megumi are a cute couple! Rurouni Kenshin should have a continuation. Also, I'm not pretty sure about what really happened between that Kanryuu guy & Megumi. So I just made a little story about them. Yeah, if you'd like to give me some facts, feel free. I'd be eternally grateful!!! Ja ne!