Lunch was lunch, so it shouldn't seem so bad.

Right?

She sat across from Willow and tapped her foot on the ground, sipping every once and a while on the drink in front of her, dreading the real reason behind this. Willow chewed on a French fry and sighed.

"Buffy."

"Hmm?"

She swallowed and tried to look more interested than she was.

Which was so obvious to Willow that it caused the knot in both their stomachs to twist even more. "Something's wrong. You're…talk to me, Buffy. We used to be friends."

Buffy grabbed onto her hand and squeezed it. "We still are."

"Are you sure? Cause it sure doesn't seem like it to me and Xander anymore. You treat as like we're second class citizens and…Spike's the President of our measly little…"

Buffy smiled a little. "Willow, you're babbling."

Willow sighed, covering her eyes. "I know…I….talk to me, Buffy. Okay? I'm going crazy here."

Buffy looked at her friend silently, biting her bottom lip and trying not to cry. It would hurt them so bad if they knew.

Too bad, it seemed like.

She didn't want to hurt anyone anymore and…it seemed like the more she tried not to the more she ended up doing it anyway.

"I…ok. I'll tell you what's wrong. You just…promise not to blame yourself…and…it's over and done with now and…"

Willow looked up and her eyes were watering with each word. "Oh god…you still hate me, don't you? For what I almost did to Spike. I didn't…that wasn't me. I didn't mean to…I just…I love you so much and…"

"Willow…please. Let me talk."

The witch was silent and Buffy remembered where they were. She sighed. "Let's go somewhere more private, ok?"

Willow nodded. "Ok."

"Are you cheating on me?"

Xander dropped a ceremonial vase on the ground and it shattered by Anya's shoes. "What?"

"You heard me. Are you?"

He sighed. "Where…"

Her eyes were getting angry by the minute and he had to keep from smiling. "I really think something's wrong with us, Xander. I don't know…I don't know what to do and you're not helping when all you do is pretend like I'm your friend instead of your fiancé. I love you, Xander."

He put his hands on her shoulders and smiled. "I love you, honey. More than you could possibly imagine. I just…things are on my mind and it's hard to…"

She sniffled. "..talk about with…me. Someone who loves you. Who wants to help you. Someone who…"

He kissed her then, long and hard, nearly toppling the bookcase when he leaned her against it. She sighed, working her hands down his back and up, clinging on as hard as humanly possible.

When he pulled away she still clinged, breathing in just a little and almost crying. "I missed you…a lot."

He kissed her forehead. "Too much, I think. I'm sorry. I didn't…"

"I know…you're…it's about Buffy, isn't it?"

He closed his eyes and nodded. "I…she's always been there for me and I don't…"

"Want her to get hurt…or be hurting. I know. I…she is hurting, Xander. I…"

"What? You…"

She pulled away from him and cracked her neck from side to side, humming. "I…saw her crying. She…I promised I wouldn't say anything but…"

She turned back to look at him. "…no secrets, right? We can't do that to each other."

Xander nodded. "Yeah. No secrets."

"So, she was crying. I don't know what about. But Spike helps her. He does. She wasn't crying later on when she came back out from the bathroom. He's helping her and she trusts him."

"But not us. She doesn't trust us."

Anya took his hand and squeezed it tightly, bringing it to her lips for a kiss. "No, she doesn't."

Spike woke up to someone mumbling something by his ear.

"Protect and…"

He smelled the jasmine and poppy right away and groaned. "Go away. I don't need any spells on me right about now, alright?"

Tara stopped, blew out her candle, and whispered, "I'm only trying to help."

Spike opened his eyes and sighed at the look on her face. "I know that, girl…Tara. I know. But…it's not good for you to waste things on me. I've got my own personal body guard, remember?"

He smiled and she smiled back a little. "I remember. But…she can't protect you all the time. I just…"

He sat up and got off the couch, cringing at the small bits of light coming from behind the shades. "It's still daytime."

"Yes."

"You woke me up during the afternoon…why?"

Spike looked at her pointedly. He wasn't upset but there had to be a good solid reason for this.

She sighed. "I…I'm worried, that's all. I'm worried about you…about Buffy…and about…"

"Willow."

Tara stood up and turned on another lamp, illuminating the entire room in a flash. "Yes, about Willow. There's so much going on at once and…"

"Who says you have to stop it, pet? God's the one who creates the chaos. He can stop it if he wants to."

"That's not true, Spike. There's always someone who can stop something bad from happening. It just takes a little…"

He walked over to her and leaned down on the ground, picking the mush she'd created in a bowl up in two of his fingers.

"Magic? Sorry love, but…there's more to living then that."

Tara sighed and took the bowl off the ground, leaving the candle where it stood. "I only wanted to help you."

Spike watched her go and kicked the candle over, rolling his eyes. "No one asked you to."

"I hate to tell you this, but we're still in a public place."

Buffy looked around with a smile. "Since when is my room a public place?"

"Since…you started inviting vampires inside?"

Buffy frowned and Willow tried to smile wider. "It was a joke, Buffy."

The slayer looked down at the comforter covering her bed and mumbled, "I…I know. I just…this is really hard, Will. Really, really hard."

Willow took both of her hands and held them tightly, smiling in sympathy.

"Just tell me. It'll be better if you just…"

"I was in Heaven."

There was silence and Buffy didn't look up before continuing.

 "After I died, I died. I went to Heaven, Will. I…my mom was there and she…she told me she was so proud. So…so proud for what I'd given up for my sister…for my friends. She said I deserved to have the rest I'd wanted for such a long time. And I…things move so slowly there…before I could enjoy things…I…I woke up underground and couldn't breathe. I couldn't…I had to dig my way out of the ground and…it was so scary…so…hard. Everything was loud…it hurt to move…I didn't…"

Buffy looked up and saw the wide eyes staring back at her with such hurt.

"I…Spike…he saved me, Will. I love him…so much more than anything else in this world. Him and Dawn are the only things that keep me here. The ONLY things. I…I'm sorry. But…it's…"

Willow let out a sob and covered her mouth, trying to catch her breath. "You…god…I…oh…god…I'm so…so sorry…so…god…"

Buffy reached out a hand and pulled it back instead, crossing both of her hands in her lap. "I didn't want to tell you. I didn't…"

Willow stumbled off the bed and looked at her with an open mouth, sniffling and not doing any good for the tears that continued. "I…I'm so…sorry…I…"

Buffy watched her leave with only vague interest.

She loved her friends.

She did.

But…it wasn't her duty to protect them anymore.

They'd brought this on themselves.