Title: Cats, Dogs and Xander
Author: Tony D
Summary: Xander teams up with the most evil and clever villain in history to take over the world...Tinkles, Mr. Tinkles.
Declaimers: Unfortunately I don't own any of them. Joss and other people who are not me own BTVS. The Movie Cats and Dogs is owned by Warner Bothers Inc
Type: Action/Silly Fic
Spoilers: Every thing up to Seeing Red. General for Angel
Distribution: Want take have. Just tell me where it's going.
Dedication: To all the great authors that have inspired me to start writing especially Samuel Grimes, Dale Thiel, Lori Bush, Bob Regent, Stone Cold, Jason Thompson, Jeff Patrick, Slayer, Edwin Alice, Kenneth Carter, N.Y.Angel Unholy Church, Red Jacobs, Ten hawk, TC, MagnusXXN, Kellan and Melissa Woolever.
Feedback: Please please please.
Rating: Lets say PG-13 for violence, the Seeing Red Rape scene and drug use. "Only pot people. Most of us have done it". This, for the most part is a silly fic, but there will be a few major issues dealt with. But mostly this is just a light fun thing.
Pairings: B/X
Timing: Takes place a few days after Entropy. Most of Seeing Red will happen, but later in the Fic. Tara wont die
(Italics mean thoughts)
Xanders Apartment Complex
A weary Xander Harris walked slowly to his door carrying his groceries. His shoulders slumped with the weight of all his stress. He had blown it with Anya when he'd watched her with that thing. Worst of the worst Buffy, his hero, the person whom he would have done anything for, had also slept with that thing. Once again she went to a vampire instead of him. Choosing the misery of being with Spike instead of coming to him for help. Worst of it seemed both the Summers girls had chosen Spike. For the first time in ages, Dawn was not coming over for movie night. Her anger at him for almost killing Spike might have broken their bond. Xander didn't think he could take much more.
He slowly put his key to the door when he heard it the thickly accented banshee like wail of his neighbor
"OH MISTER ALEXANDER!!!!!!!!!! Can I talk with you?" Sophia, Xander's neighbor from across the hall screamed as she came running up to him
Oh good god not now, not this, Xander thought as he put on fake smile. "Hi Sophia, nice to see you. How can I be of service my lady?" Xander may not like her but he was always a gentlemen
Sophia playfully slapped at him. "Always so nice. I need to ask you a favor? I'm going out of town. I need someone to look after my little kitty. If it would be no trouble, could you do it?"
Okay Xander stand up for yourself. Tell the annoying battle axe to take her kitty and get lost. Come on find that inner rage women always seem to have in abundance. "Sure I would be happy to." God no you little punk. Now we're stuck with her cat for a few days. You big wuss.
"Oh thank you. I go to get him and his things. I see you in a moment," she said happy as she ran off.
Xander just grumbled to himself as he opened the door to his apartment. "Why can't she control her volume. I mean, choose a pitch and stay with it."
A few minutes later Sophie came back to Xander's apartment pushing a trolley with about three boxes and a pet carry cage on top.
"Now these are my little baby's clothes. He likes his baseball uniform and bonnet the most," she said as she pushed two large boxes of cat clothes off the trolley and onto the floor. "The rest of his things are in this box. Here is list of things he likes and how to get hold of me. Also its our turn to host Kitty Play Date tomorrow. Others will be bringing their cats over here to socialize." She handed Xander the paper and opened the kitty carrier and lifted out a big white cat. "Ok Mr. Tinkles, you be good for the nice man now you hear me?" Sophia then started doing baby talk to the cat. Xander just shrugged but he could of sworn for one second the cat rolled his eyes.
Sophia put the cat down and headed to the door. "Is there anything I can do for you before I go?"
Xander looked over the list on how to take care of cat when something caught his eye. "Um Sophia, how come is says that you won't be back till the 15th of three months from now? That's a mistake, right?"
Sophia did a snort like laugh. "No no Mr. Alexander. I won a trip around the world. I will be back in a few months." She grabbed her purse and headed to the door. "Thank you for doing this." She then headed for the door and shuffled off as fast as she could. Too fast for Xander's liking.
Xander sat there for a few minutes looking between the list and Mr. Tinkles before saying anything. "Ah f*#k. Damn damn damn damn." He went over to his grocery bag and grabbed a one-liter bottle of Jack Daniels, his rolling papers and his one-tenth ounce bag of pot. He then headed over to his couch, sat down hitting the remote to his stereo which started to play his one man pity party's CD that he would listened to all week, since he found out about Buffy, Anya and Spike.
He opened the bottle, took a swing and started rolling a joint. He looked at the cat. "If you think I am putting that bonnet or PJs on you, you're crazy." Xander looked closely at Mr. Tinkles. That's weird he thought. I could swear that cat had just smiled at me.
Forty-five minutes, six shots and a joint later...
As Xander rolled his second joint, he kept talking to Mr. Tinkles about all his problems. His speech was slurred due to all the alcohol. "I mean, come on kitty you would not believe it. I mean, the love of my life, f*#king a vampire all the time, all over the place right in front of me like I was invisible. Then that jerk, Spike, also slept with Anya. They even videoed it."
Xander stopped for a second and thought about his words as best as his drunk mind could. He must have just mixed things up. He was over Buffy. Anya was the love of his life. Xander shook his head as if to clear it.
He finished rolling his joint as he thought to himself. Drugs and Alcohol. The two thing he said he would never mess with but right now, they were all that could take the pain in his heart away for a little while. He brought the joint up to his lips, lit it and inhaled. While holding the smoke deep in his lungs, he noticed the cat still staring at him
"What? You want a hit little kitty?" Xander said as he exhaled the smoke into its face.
The cat started coughing and then did some thing amazing. He spoke. "Please. Do you have to do that? It kills brain cells and I don't think you could afford to lose any more, my moronic bipedal friend."
Xander just sat there for a few second looking between the joint and the cat. He slowly got up, picked up the phone and called his dealer.
"Yeah, Jerry man. This is some good stuff. The cat's talking to me. No man swear to god. I'll take an ounce of this batch. What? Ok. I will see you tomorrow with the money."
Xander hung up the phone and headed to his bedroom. When the cat starts talking to you its time to go to bed and sleep it off. He hit the light and laid down on his bed.
Mr. Tinkles sat in the living room with a smile on his little face. "Oh yes dear Alexander. Head off to beddy byes. Sleep the sleep of the just for tomorrow my little puppet, I start pulling your strings thus directing you to our glorious destiny of World Domination." A streak of lightning flashed outside the window as he said those last two words. "And this time, no one will stop me. Mwahahahahahahaha." Mr. Tinkles stopped laughing and looked around. "Now I just need my satin pillow and to see what he has in the fridge. Tomorrow will be a busy day."
Author: Tony D
Summary: Xander teams up with the most evil and clever villain in history to take over the world...Tinkles, Mr. Tinkles.
Declaimers: Unfortunately I don't own any of them. Joss and other people who are not me own BTVS. The Movie Cats and Dogs is owned by Warner Bothers Inc
Type: Action/Silly Fic
Spoilers: Every thing up to Seeing Red. General for Angel
Distribution: Want take have. Just tell me where it's going.
Dedication: To all the great authors that have inspired me to start writing especially Samuel Grimes, Dale Thiel, Lori Bush, Bob Regent, Stone Cold, Jason Thompson, Jeff Patrick, Slayer, Edwin Alice, Kenneth Carter, N.Y.Angel Unholy Church, Red Jacobs, Ten hawk, TC, MagnusXXN, Kellan and Melissa Woolever.
Feedback: Please please please.
Rating: Lets say PG-13 for violence, the Seeing Red Rape scene and drug use. "Only pot people. Most of us have done it". This, for the most part is a silly fic, but there will be a few major issues dealt with. But mostly this is just a light fun thing.
Pairings: B/X
Timing: Takes place a few days after Entropy. Most of Seeing Red will happen, but later in the Fic. Tara wont die
(Italics mean thoughts)
Xanders Apartment Complex
A weary Xander Harris walked slowly to his door carrying his groceries. His shoulders slumped with the weight of all his stress. He had blown it with Anya when he'd watched her with that thing. Worst of the worst Buffy, his hero, the person whom he would have done anything for, had also slept with that thing. Once again she went to a vampire instead of him. Choosing the misery of being with Spike instead of coming to him for help. Worst of it seemed both the Summers girls had chosen Spike. For the first time in ages, Dawn was not coming over for movie night. Her anger at him for almost killing Spike might have broken their bond. Xander didn't think he could take much more.
He slowly put his key to the door when he heard it the thickly accented banshee like wail of his neighbor
"OH MISTER ALEXANDER!!!!!!!!!! Can I talk with you?" Sophia, Xander's neighbor from across the hall screamed as she came running up to him
Oh good god not now, not this, Xander thought as he put on fake smile. "Hi Sophia, nice to see you. How can I be of service my lady?" Xander may not like her but he was always a gentlemen
Sophia playfully slapped at him. "Always so nice. I need to ask you a favor? I'm going out of town. I need someone to look after my little kitty. If it would be no trouble, could you do it?"
Okay Xander stand up for yourself. Tell the annoying battle axe to take her kitty and get lost. Come on find that inner rage women always seem to have in abundance. "Sure I would be happy to." God no you little punk. Now we're stuck with her cat for a few days. You big wuss.
"Oh thank you. I go to get him and his things. I see you in a moment," she said happy as she ran off.
Xander just grumbled to himself as he opened the door to his apartment. "Why can't she control her volume. I mean, choose a pitch and stay with it."
A few minutes later Sophie came back to Xander's apartment pushing a trolley with about three boxes and a pet carry cage on top.
"Now these are my little baby's clothes. He likes his baseball uniform and bonnet the most," she said as she pushed two large boxes of cat clothes off the trolley and onto the floor. "The rest of his things are in this box. Here is list of things he likes and how to get hold of me. Also its our turn to host Kitty Play Date tomorrow. Others will be bringing their cats over here to socialize." She handed Xander the paper and opened the kitty carrier and lifted out a big white cat. "Ok Mr. Tinkles, you be good for the nice man now you hear me?" Sophia then started doing baby talk to the cat. Xander just shrugged but he could of sworn for one second the cat rolled his eyes.
Sophia put the cat down and headed to the door. "Is there anything I can do for you before I go?"
Xander looked over the list on how to take care of cat when something caught his eye. "Um Sophia, how come is says that you won't be back till the 15th of three months from now? That's a mistake, right?"
Sophia did a snort like laugh. "No no Mr. Alexander. I won a trip around the world. I will be back in a few months." She grabbed her purse and headed to the door. "Thank you for doing this." She then headed for the door and shuffled off as fast as she could. Too fast for Xander's liking.
Xander sat there for a few minutes looking between the list and Mr. Tinkles before saying anything. "Ah f*#k. Damn damn damn damn." He went over to his grocery bag and grabbed a one-liter bottle of Jack Daniels, his rolling papers and his one-tenth ounce bag of pot. He then headed over to his couch, sat down hitting the remote to his stereo which started to play his one man pity party's CD that he would listened to all week, since he found out about Buffy, Anya and Spike.
He opened the bottle, took a swing and started rolling a joint. He looked at the cat. "If you think I am putting that bonnet or PJs on you, you're crazy." Xander looked closely at Mr. Tinkles. That's weird he thought. I could swear that cat had just smiled at me.
Forty-five minutes, six shots and a joint later...
As Xander rolled his second joint, he kept talking to Mr. Tinkles about all his problems. His speech was slurred due to all the alcohol. "I mean, come on kitty you would not believe it. I mean, the love of my life, f*#king a vampire all the time, all over the place right in front of me like I was invisible. Then that jerk, Spike, also slept with Anya. They even videoed it."
Xander stopped for a second and thought about his words as best as his drunk mind could. He must have just mixed things up. He was over Buffy. Anya was the love of his life. Xander shook his head as if to clear it.
He finished rolling his joint as he thought to himself. Drugs and Alcohol. The two thing he said he would never mess with but right now, they were all that could take the pain in his heart away for a little while. He brought the joint up to his lips, lit it and inhaled. While holding the smoke deep in his lungs, he noticed the cat still staring at him
"What? You want a hit little kitty?" Xander said as he exhaled the smoke into its face.
The cat started coughing and then did some thing amazing. He spoke. "Please. Do you have to do that? It kills brain cells and I don't think you could afford to lose any more, my moronic bipedal friend."
Xander just sat there for a few second looking between the joint and the cat. He slowly got up, picked up the phone and called his dealer.
"Yeah, Jerry man. This is some good stuff. The cat's talking to me. No man swear to god. I'll take an ounce of this batch. What? Ok. I will see you tomorrow with the money."
Xander hung up the phone and headed to his bedroom. When the cat starts talking to you its time to go to bed and sleep it off. He hit the light and laid down on his bed.
Mr. Tinkles sat in the living room with a smile on his little face. "Oh yes dear Alexander. Head off to beddy byes. Sleep the sleep of the just for tomorrow my little puppet, I start pulling your strings thus directing you to our glorious destiny of World Domination." A streak of lightning flashed outside the window as he said those last two words. "And this time, no one will stop me. Mwahahahahahahaha." Mr. Tinkles stopped laughing and looked around. "Now I just need my satin pillow and to see what he has in the fridge. Tomorrow will be a busy day."