Author's notes: Inspiration taken from Captain Buzz Lightyear's material, like Story Time with Zurg. This may be out-of-character and odd. I had eaten a lot of sugar before writing this. Flame if you want. Star Wars elements © Lucasfilm, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command © Disney/Pixar
Late Night Show with the Dark Side
"And... vee-ery, vee-ery dazzling and sparkling evening to you, ladies and gentlemen! This is the Late Night Show with Canon O'Pry, and today your host is of course me, Canon O'Pry! No decoys!" A man dressed to a suit costume talks to a nano-mic on the stage of a Capital Planet TV-studio. Behind him, there are three armchairs at a table. Behind them is the usual coulisse of this popular holo-airing; a fake star sky illustrating the Milky Way. The audience gathered to sit on the benches in front of the host cheers, claps their hands and whistles.
"Today is a vee-ery special evening! We have vee-ery special surprise guests! All give applauses to the representatives of the dark side! Welcome, his Majesty Emperor Zurg and his highness, Lord Darth Vader!"
Every alien in the audience startles and silence fills the hall. Some of the most fearsome ones slink to hide under their seats. From opposite doors, at the sides of the main stage, two tall figures appear and sit down, the interviewer placing himself to the middle of them. Zurg and Vader steal angry and frustrated glances from each other.
"Now, gentlemen, say hello to each other!" O'Pry looks at his both guests, encouraging them. But the show does not begin with a very good atmosphere.
Vader points at Zurg with his finger, bile in his voice, "What is that... purple thing? It is imitating me! The revenge of the dark side shall be horrible for the one who dares to plagiarize me! My anger has grown towards him!"
Zurg shoots a laser regard towards the other dark lord, who ducks and a pot plant gets charred behind him. "I am the only ruler of the Galaxy! How dare you mock the mighty Evil Emperor Zurg!"
"Beware, the dark side is strong with me! Do not attempt to argue!" Darth replies.
"So it is strong with me, too! And you there are who imitates me! I am the only one here who has the right to have a metallic-sounding scary voice. And... a black cloak, chest plate, helmet. At least my head shield is manufactured from the finest Zurga-elastic amorphic alloy so I can move it. Mwa ha ha! And looks scarier than yours! And you cannot take yours off under normal conditions! You shall suffocate if you do that, but I, the more brilliant over-being, can do that! Rhaarh hrah hrah... oops, what did I just say? That was supposed to be a secret!" Zurg gets up from his chair and is ready to collar the other interviewee. "How dared you make me unwillingly reveal my personal things?"
"Now, now, gentlemen!" O'Pry comes between them. "Let us calm down and have a seat! We are here to discuss caa-aalmly about nii-ice things..."
The guests sit back down, leering at each other with abhorrence.
"Now, let us finally get on with the main program of the evening. Interview with the dark lords! On my left side sits Lord Vader, the other leader of a dark empire... was it Mister Palpatine that was the emperor?"
"Yes." Vader replies.
"And on my right side is an emperor from another dark empire... Zurg! And you are a self-proclaimed ruler, is that correct?"
"What? I am the ruler of it all, not any self-proclaimed one! Watch your words, mister, or you shall find yourself working on my slave planet Tetra-Z. 101 hours a day of manuring fields with Peevean slug guano. And no lunch breaks or shower services included."
"Ehh... hehe... well, let us go on with the first question!" the interviewer chuckles nervously, "You both are the representatives of the so called 'dark side'. How do you define your relationship with that concept?"
"Ahh... the dark side. It is a powerful ally. And as the most forceful dark lord ever, I..." Vader begins, but gets interrupted by Zurg.
"No! I am the most forceful dark lord!"
"You are nothing compared to me, dressed in that stupid violet curtain! Do you want to experience how a fist of the dark side hand hits that irritatingly flickering helmet loudspeaker?" Now Vader stands up and is ready to attack Zurg.
"This is my brilliant Imperial Robe! Designed by me! How dare you..."
"If I was an emperor, I would not wear a skirt. Buy a pair of trousers!" Darth bellows back.
"Will you two now sit down, please? I believe the first question is answered, already..." Once again, the host forces his guests back to their positions. "Now, the second, vee-ery intriguing inquire! We all are familiar with your progeny. How would you define the relationships with your sons?"
Both the tall men jerk beside him and start to deny answering the question.
"I---I do not have a son! I... Quasars, how shall you even suggest something like that? And in front of this audience! No one may ever know..." Zurg stammers horrified.
"The son of Skywalker shall not know who his father is! The son of Skywalker shall not become a Jedi!" the second interviewee snarls.
"...and that's why we have two more special guests! Vee-ery special guests! Misters Buzz Lightyear and Luke Skywalker wait there, in the back room. They know nothing about the issue, absolutely nothing! And they will be invited here, right now!" O'Pry gets up and steps towards the audience, the terrified elder men behind him. "So, let us welcome the famous space ranger and the famous Jedi knight!"
For the first time in a long time, the audience risks to clap a bit, but cringes back when seeing the frenzy reflecting from the main guests. Right for the same moment, Buzz and Luke appear from the same opposite doors as Zurg and Vader had used. The reaction is predictable. Buzz gets his expression aghast, instantly stating to tune his wrist laser.
"Evil Emperor Zurg! You won't get away, now! I here place you under arrest!" He steps towards the Emperor.
A similar action is seen from Luke's side. With wrinkled brows, he shouts, "Evil Darth Vader! You will not get away with this! You killed my father!"
Buzz compassionately looks at Luke. "Your father was too killed by a representative of a dark side? What a diabolic plan!" he aims his angry eyes towards Zurg, "You killed my father too, you dreadful megalomaniac!"
Now the both dark lords stand up and pronounce with their metallic tones. "No, Luke! I am your Father!" "No, Buzz! I am your Father!"
"Yes! What a show! We are here to hear hidden, super-secret, scandalous family mysteries!" O'Pry boosts the atmosphere up by talking into the microphone.
After hearing the words of the enemies, both Luke and Buzz got their hackles up. A miserable holler fills the stage, coming in stereo from the both mouths. "NOO-OOOOO! This is not true, NO!"
Next the both younger men pass out and fall onto the floor. When they wake up, the ray of light in their heads has been switched off.
"Yippee! Buzz wants to be a kangaroo!" Lightyear soon jumps around the stage with an idiotic gleam in his regard. Luke therefore has now the grasp that he has born to be a floor lamp. When the security men chase the high-bouncing Buzz, Skywalker is jutting rigid in the middle of it all, a light bulb in his mouth.
"Uh... oh..." the host gets jumpy, whispering behind the coulisses, "Two unexpected mental shocks over here. Could you call for the ambulance men?"
After two minutes, the loons are taken away, obliged to wear straitjackets.
"Ah... now. All part of the program. Sho-ocking secrets!" O'Pry puts up a fake story. "Shall we go on with the show?" He turns back to the dark lords, who have a cat-dog race around the armchairs, shouting arrogant words with lots of bleeps and exclamation marks to each other.
"No! My hyper-death ray is a bazillion times more efficient than your rusty artificial moon!"
"Come here, you purple scarecrow and you may taste the power of Death Star!"
"Mwa ha ha, even your protocol droids are scarier than that! That ugly golf ball take-off squatting in the sky has no resistance against my hornet armies..." Zurg gloats and continues to chase Vader.
And after half a second, Vader gloats and chases Zurg, "Your puny, pathetic insect planet shall have the same destiny as Alderaan! Yuck! Always hated those icky yucky itchy pests. I shall install a giant flyswatter as an accessory to my ultimate planet destroyer. It shall take the care of your parasite paradise!"
"What? Do you dare to harass my cute little poor grub grubbies, you..." Zurg gets petrified.
"A-aalright, gentlemen!" the host begins to get annoyed little by little because of the bad behaviour of his guests. So, the gazillionth time, the trio sits down.
"The next part of our interview consist of the monsters in our closets! Vee-ery suspenseful! And, Mister Vader can start! What are the dark secret and bad habits of a dark lord?"
"What? I shall not tell you..." Darth yells, but after five minutes is narrating fluently about his little private things.
"...and two years ago I got my 500th Pokémon sticker glued into the sticker book. Ah... I watch every day my collection before going to sleep. I am now so proud of the Galaxy's most comprehensive Pokémon-Digimon sticker and trading card collection..."
Zurg has unexpectedly listened to his telling very interested and soon comments, "I prefer the more traditional collectibles. When I was only a wee evil genius, Nana Zurg used to buy me scraps. They had all kinds of cute characters in them, like teddies and little furry bunnies. Ahh, the years have not faded the magic of them... Jim-kraken-dandy, my glorious scrap collection fills now a whole room in Zurg Tower!" Moved because of sweet memories, he wipes a couple of tears away from his helmet cheek. "Oo... and as Nana Zurg used to tell me bedtime stories..."
Vader gets inspired, "You too? I like to listen to fairy tale audio books before I go to sleep!"
"Ahh, me too! What is your favourite? I just love 'Mother Goose's Stories'..." the Emperor crosses his fingers and has a dreamy expression on his helmet.
"Yes... sniff, that is so cute... Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating of curds and whey... " Vader sings touched.
The interviewees have seemed to forgotten the existence of the audience. Zurg shifts the topic to handiwork. "Jim-kraken-dandy... oh the gracious era of history when Nana Zurg taught me how to knit. It is so relaxing sometimes to knit a pair of glorious evil socks to yourself... or to a grub who has cold feet..."
"Oh, how evil! Can you do a pair for me, too?" Vader asks keen, "My Imperial flagship is so cold!"
"Dandy! A pair of majestic, purple woollen socks with a sonorous Z-letter on them..."
"Not PURPLE! Any other colour but not that sickening purple!" Vader suddenly gets bothered.
And that makes the end to the little harmonious period during the night show. The lords are soon again chasing each other around the armchairs, arguing about the most beautiful colour of the universe.
"If you shall not admit that it is purple, I shall order my hornets to go to paint your 'scary' planet destroyer pink and put white spots onto it! Then no one shall be afraid of your star wreck!"
"Graargh! You shall pay for this! I shall order my Imperial Stormtroopers to go to paint your puny izzard-obsessive cranny lime-green and illustrate My Little Pony -figures on it!"
"And you shall never get your woollen socks! I shall order to rob all the wool vendors of the Milky Way and hijack all the trade ships that transport woollen socks and burn all the wool stocks! You shall never get your socks! Rharr hrah muhahhaaahhhaaaah!"
"Why you..." Vader gradually becomes sad. He has so hard wanted to have a pair of warming socks. Tears fill his eyes and he begins to snuffle under his helmet. "Bwahahhaaah! I want my socks!"
Unfortunately it seems that Darth is not able to recover from this shock. A some stage assistants come to help him and lead him to the back room to have some rest.
"Now that was not nice from you to upset your fellow interviewee like that!" O'Pry scolds Zurg after Vader has been taken away.
"Muhahhaah! Evil rules! I rule! I am such a bully boy!" Zurg fingers smugly his helmet. The host is just about to start a new sentence, when a panting grub comes from the side door and runs to his Master.
"Your Evilness! I have terrifying news! A malfunctioning hornet has stolen your plushie toys!"
Zurg's eyes go round. "No! NO! That is not true! NO!" he yells thunderstruck.
"I am sorry, your Lowliness! But even your most favourite, the cutie happy ladybug is gone!" the lackey clarifies sad.
"NO-OOOOO!" Zurg begins to sniffle and soon cries like Niagara. "Nana Zurg gave that to me! Sniff! I want my toy back!"
"There there, Mister Zurg, what if we take now a break and go to the back room to have some rest..." O'Pry pats the back of the crushed Emperor and asks the roustabouts to help. When he comes back in front of the audience, the show is concluded. The fearsome aliens dare now crawl up from under their benches.
"Thank you all for watching Late Night with Canon O'Pry! All clap!" the host gives the last words of the programming, wiping sweat away from his forehead. "Next week we have a bit... uhh... not-so-action-packed guests. We will hear an interesting interview about Yoghurtstanian basket weaving. The leading lady is a 99-year-old grandma, who has whole her life made baskets. She will tell about the intriguing skill to make lacings! Until then, have a vee-ery great week!"