Warm, so warm. Oh God, how can it be so warm so suddenly in the midst of
winter? I don't care that the room is a bit messy or there is a hole in the
ceiling, but this is the gateway to heaven. So warm and so good in this
room – Christian's room.
I sigh. It's only been yesterday since Christian left, and I miss him already. I had thought his family had disowned him for coming to Montmarte, and suddenly they sent him a telegram that there was some 'family business' and he needed to come right away. I bet they were just trying to get him away from the underworld. If only someone could take me away from it.
I'm already one of Satin's devils, but Christian… Christian was different. He was so pure, so sweet. He didn't belong here - no angel did. They were to soar into the sky, not burn in the eternal flames of hell.
But we'll be an exception. We'll be saved. We will fly away from this place. 'Spectacular! Spectacular!' is a great show, and soon everyone in the world will know of my Christian's talents. He'll be a famous English writer, I know it. And I'll finally be a real actress. But the Duke…
His rodent-like face comes to my mind and I shiver, every inch of my skin turning cold. He fit no where in the picture. He was like a leech that wouldn't get off, no matter what you did to it. Except, with this leech, I had…
A tear fell from my eye. How could I have done it? How could I have done that to Christian. He was the only one I had ever loved – hell, I never knew it existed before. My beautiful angel… can you ever forgive me?
~FLASHBACK~
How long had I stared at the train station planks? I couldn't even look at him, or I would start to cry, and never stop. I would fall into his arms and make a scene. I would lose myself all over again.
But he was my air. I couldn't let him go, I couldn't. I see my breath clearly in the winter air, and I close my eyes, trying to get myself together. I can't let him see me falling apart like this.
His hand, so warm, is on my chin and he makes me look at him. I searching in his blue eyes for words and I say what comes to my head.
"I don't want you to go."
He surpressed a light laugh, caressing my cheek. "I don't want to go either."
"Then why do you have to?" I ask, putting my hands on his waist.
He smiles – God, I love it when he does that. "It's only a week. I'll be there and back in no time. Nothing will happen while I'm away."
I bite my lip. Liar, I think. Because he's going away, Zidler ceased rehearsals. Now that I have nothing to do during the day, I'll have to spend my time with the Duke. "I know," I say, "but…"
He silences me with a kiss, long and soft, and my chin quivers when he lifts his head. "I love you," he whispered, brushing one of my curls away from my face. "No matter what, I always will."
"But, the Duke…" I start to say, but he kisses me again.
"Don't say his name. He's not here – it's just you and me, forever. Alright?"
I nod, closing my eyes.
He kisses my forehead, and his fingers lightly scratch my dress where my heart is, and he begins to sing quietly, so only I can hear him.
"I'm already there.
Don't make a sound.
I'm the beat in your heart,
I'm the moonlight shining down,
I'm the whisper in the wind,
And I'll be there until the end.
Can you feel the love we share?
Oh I'm all ready there."
"Christian," I whisper, by forehead pressed against his. He kisses the tip of my nose and finishes the song.
"We may be a thousand miles apart,
But I'll be with you wherever you are.
I'm already there,
Take a look around.
I'm the sunshine in your hair,
I'm the shadow on the ground,
I'm the whisper in the wind,
And I'll be there until the end.
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh I'm already there."
My mouth opens and I'm about to say something, but the train rolls into the station and the conductor calls for the passengers to start to board. A sob suppresses from deep in my throat, and I scold myself as my hands move up Christian's back and I push his lips toward me, kissing him with every thing I possessed, and he does the same. Butterflies that fluttered in my stomach grew in numbers, and soon my whole body tickled. I always got the butterflies when I kissed Christian.
The sound of the train whistle blowing and the conductor barked 'last call!' startled me and I jumped, scowling, mad at the distractions. For a moment there, there was just me and Christian, as it should be. I was in heaven.
"That's me," he whispered, nodding behind him to the train. He traced my jaw line, and act that made me shiver, and I just remembered that it was winter. He was silent for a moment, and then said, "God, I love you."
With one last kiss, so soft and tender, Christian backed away, only taking his eyes off me when he presented his ticket to the conductor. He blew me a kiss, and then he was gone.
My hands flew to my shoulders and rubbed, trying to get myself warm, but it didn't work. It wasn't my skin that was cold – it was my soul. Every day, every smile, every song with Christian he tried to warm my cold heart. Maybe someday it would work, but right now I need him, like nothing else. I slightly laugh at myself. "Love is just an excuse to cover pain, and you die if you lose yourself." That was what I used to believe. I can't believe one person can erase my twenty-one years of thinking.
Oh wait, I can.
Christian… the butterflies flutter wildly in my stomach just thinking of him. He was so different than anyone I had ever known. He had found Satine when I had thought she had died years ago. He loves me. He loves me, not the Sparkling Diamond. Me.
I'm about to turn away and leave the station, but suddenly I hear someone yelling "Satine!" I look all around, already knowing the face of the voice.
And then I see him, on the back of the train. He tips his hat at me and just grins as the train rolls out until I can't see him anymore.
"Christian," I whisper, leaving the station.
There are cabs upon cabs on the sidewalk and I get the one at the front.
"Where to Mademoiselle?" he asks, helping me into the carriage.
"Montmarte," I say.
His hand suddenly flinches on mine. "You sure you wanna be there, Mademoiselle, at this time of night?"
I flash him a smile. "I'll be fine."
The driver takes me back to the only home I had ever known in silence, and after I give him a few francs I go through the gates to the Moulin Rouge.
Maybe a stroll through the gardens would be nice, I think, but then I see my elephant. It's so beautiful behind the full moon. But the lights are on. I thought I had turned them off. Harold will be angry with me for leaving them on.
So, scratch that idea of walking through the gardens. Sleep sounds wonderful as well.
I make my way up the stairs and I pause before the door, a weird feeling creeping over me. Not butterflies, but a sense that something is not right. That nothing will ever be right again. I laugh it off and go through the door, flopping onto the bed, hearing the words "how wonderful life is, now you're in the world" ring through my ears. I hug myself and turn toward the foot of the bed, seeing a person sitting in a chair over there.
I let out a squeal as I fall off the bed. I try to catch my breath, and the nasal laugh that fills my ears gives me my answer to who it is.
"My dear Duke," I say, rising form the floor and brushing myself off, trying to keep my dignity. I laugh at myself. I'm a hooker, for Christ's sake. I have no dignity, and the Diamond smiles her smile. It's no longer Satine in my room, but the devilish Diamond. "I didn't even see you there."
"My darling," he says, rising from the chair and coming to kiss my hand. His moustache across my skin almost makes me rip my hands from his cold fingers. "Where were you? I've waited nearly ten minutes."
Wow, ten whole minutes. I'm surprised you didn't yell and shriek to Harold, I say to myself, but to him I say, "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. But, the… the stars were so beautiful tonight I couldn't help but walk under them and wish under a few shooting ones."
He gags on a laugh. "You don't really believe dreams come true on stars, do you?"
"Of course not," I reply. "It's just some silly childhood imagination of mine, I guess." Bastard. Dreams are all we have to live for here in the underworld. That is, until I met Christian…
A smile brightens my face – a real smile - and I feel my whole body warm, and I don't even care that the Duke is here. I love Christian; I can't hide it from myself anymore. But I have to from him, and I cough lightly, freeing my hand from the Duke.
But it's too late. I see that sparkle in the Duke's eyes that shakes me to my bones. He has to leave. He has to leave now.
"The time is getting late," I say quickly. "I have a lovely idea. Tomorrow, why don't you and I…"
But he silences me with a kiss. His lips cover mine, like he's going to eat me. His moustache scratches my lips and cheeks again and my fingernails digging into my fists is the only thing that keeps me from pulling away and throwing up at the spot. I hate it when he kisses me. My hands have been so sore lately it's hard to hold he swing during performances.
When his hands fly down my back and start to untie my dress, that's when I step away.
"My dear, what's wrong?" he asks, surprised.
You, I want to say. "I'm afraid you take my breath away, Duke. But really, let's…" the Diamond gives him a wink and licks her lips, "finish this tomorrow."
"Satine," he breathes, his nose twitching. "You must know my feelings for you, as I already know yours." He kisses my hand and draws me toward him, kissing my neck and shoulders.
I bite my lip, scowling. Eew. "But dear Duke, opening night…"
He lifts his head, thank goodness. "Pisssh!" he almost yells and went back to doing what he didn't do best.
And then he starts to drag me toward the bed. Oh God… Christian, save me!
"Duke…" I whisper, almost pleading him to stop when I find myself on my back on the mattress. But he hears it as pleasing and he kisses my face as his hands begin to untie my dress. Oh God, oh God, save me!
I see his hands fiddle with the buttons on his pants and a black wad being flung to the ground. Through a numbing cold, I feel my dress being tugged off.
Stop! Stop! I scream.
But you'll be a star. You'll fly far, far away from here, Diamond whispers to me. But I don't care. Dreams are good. This… this is horrible.
God, can you hear me? Save me!
But God didn't save me that night, nor did Christian. The duke's cold hands were upon me all night, and his bushy moustache across my skin maked me sick.
As soon as he was asleep, I crept out of the bed, careful not to wake him just like all my other customers. When they woke up they usually wanted to start 'it' all over again.
Wrapping a robe around me, I hurried out of the elephant. There's fresh snow on the ground, so cold on my feet, but I hardly notice it. I go to the back gardens and brush the snow off a bench a sit.
As I shiver, a flower tickles my foot. They were so beautiful. I remember when Harold bought them all and stuck them in the ground. They were cheaper like this, cloth. Beautiful, fake…
That's how I had been my whole life. I was only worth what someone would pay for me, but Christian… he saw all past that. He loves me. I love him, and I had just betrayed him.
My robe can't keep me warm, the friction from my hands or anything. I feel so low. I hate myself. I had slept with many men in my past, but I never felt like this afterward. Christian…
I don't even care that it's freezing and I have no shoes on. My body was already frozen and my heart icy.
It's hard to breathe. I try to sigh, but a cry comes out instead. "I am falling," I sing quietly to the fake flower. "I am fading. I have lost it all."
Suddenly Christian comes to my mind, and I smile, and then I remember what happened last night. My hands fly to my eyes, tears seeping through my fingers. "You know I don't mean to hurt you," I sing. "But you know that it means so much. And you don't even feel a thing."
I stand, picking up as many fake flowers as I can in my hands and I run to the back entrance, where the large green dumpster is located.
"I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning. Help me to breathe."
I turn the flower in my hand, picking off its petals and flinging it in the dumpster.
My knees buckle and I fall into the snow, tears streaming down my cheeks, and my body shakes with sobs. "I am hurting, I have lost it all…"
--------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: I do not own Moulin Rouge, not even Christian. ::sigh::
Author's Note: I do not like the duke. I hate him very, very much. This story WILL get better, I hope, as I go along. And tell me what you think! But you know… no pressure…
SONGS USED:
'All Ready There' by Lonestar
'Duvet' by Boa
I sigh. It's only been yesterday since Christian left, and I miss him already. I had thought his family had disowned him for coming to Montmarte, and suddenly they sent him a telegram that there was some 'family business' and he needed to come right away. I bet they were just trying to get him away from the underworld. If only someone could take me away from it.
I'm already one of Satin's devils, but Christian… Christian was different. He was so pure, so sweet. He didn't belong here - no angel did. They were to soar into the sky, not burn in the eternal flames of hell.
But we'll be an exception. We'll be saved. We will fly away from this place. 'Spectacular! Spectacular!' is a great show, and soon everyone in the world will know of my Christian's talents. He'll be a famous English writer, I know it. And I'll finally be a real actress. But the Duke…
His rodent-like face comes to my mind and I shiver, every inch of my skin turning cold. He fit no where in the picture. He was like a leech that wouldn't get off, no matter what you did to it. Except, with this leech, I had…
A tear fell from my eye. How could I have done it? How could I have done that to Christian. He was the only one I had ever loved – hell, I never knew it existed before. My beautiful angel… can you ever forgive me?
~FLASHBACK~
How long had I stared at the train station planks? I couldn't even look at him, or I would start to cry, and never stop. I would fall into his arms and make a scene. I would lose myself all over again.
But he was my air. I couldn't let him go, I couldn't. I see my breath clearly in the winter air, and I close my eyes, trying to get myself together. I can't let him see me falling apart like this.
His hand, so warm, is on my chin and he makes me look at him. I searching in his blue eyes for words and I say what comes to my head.
"I don't want you to go."
He surpressed a light laugh, caressing my cheek. "I don't want to go either."
"Then why do you have to?" I ask, putting my hands on his waist.
He smiles – God, I love it when he does that. "It's only a week. I'll be there and back in no time. Nothing will happen while I'm away."
I bite my lip. Liar, I think. Because he's going away, Zidler ceased rehearsals. Now that I have nothing to do during the day, I'll have to spend my time with the Duke. "I know," I say, "but…"
He silences me with a kiss, long and soft, and my chin quivers when he lifts his head. "I love you," he whispered, brushing one of my curls away from my face. "No matter what, I always will."
"But, the Duke…" I start to say, but he kisses me again.
"Don't say his name. He's not here – it's just you and me, forever. Alright?"
I nod, closing my eyes.
He kisses my forehead, and his fingers lightly scratch my dress where my heart is, and he begins to sing quietly, so only I can hear him.
"I'm already there.
Don't make a sound.
I'm the beat in your heart,
I'm the moonlight shining down,
I'm the whisper in the wind,
And I'll be there until the end.
Can you feel the love we share?
Oh I'm all ready there."
"Christian," I whisper, by forehead pressed against his. He kisses the tip of my nose and finishes the song.
"We may be a thousand miles apart,
But I'll be with you wherever you are.
I'm already there,
Take a look around.
I'm the sunshine in your hair,
I'm the shadow on the ground,
I'm the whisper in the wind,
And I'll be there until the end.
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh I'm already there."
My mouth opens and I'm about to say something, but the train rolls into the station and the conductor calls for the passengers to start to board. A sob suppresses from deep in my throat, and I scold myself as my hands move up Christian's back and I push his lips toward me, kissing him with every thing I possessed, and he does the same. Butterflies that fluttered in my stomach grew in numbers, and soon my whole body tickled. I always got the butterflies when I kissed Christian.
The sound of the train whistle blowing and the conductor barked 'last call!' startled me and I jumped, scowling, mad at the distractions. For a moment there, there was just me and Christian, as it should be. I was in heaven.
"That's me," he whispered, nodding behind him to the train. He traced my jaw line, and act that made me shiver, and I just remembered that it was winter. He was silent for a moment, and then said, "God, I love you."
With one last kiss, so soft and tender, Christian backed away, only taking his eyes off me when he presented his ticket to the conductor. He blew me a kiss, and then he was gone.
My hands flew to my shoulders and rubbed, trying to get myself warm, but it didn't work. It wasn't my skin that was cold – it was my soul. Every day, every smile, every song with Christian he tried to warm my cold heart. Maybe someday it would work, but right now I need him, like nothing else. I slightly laugh at myself. "Love is just an excuse to cover pain, and you die if you lose yourself." That was what I used to believe. I can't believe one person can erase my twenty-one years of thinking.
Oh wait, I can.
Christian… the butterflies flutter wildly in my stomach just thinking of him. He was so different than anyone I had ever known. He had found Satine when I had thought she had died years ago. He loves me. He loves me, not the Sparkling Diamond. Me.
I'm about to turn away and leave the station, but suddenly I hear someone yelling "Satine!" I look all around, already knowing the face of the voice.
And then I see him, on the back of the train. He tips his hat at me and just grins as the train rolls out until I can't see him anymore.
"Christian," I whisper, leaving the station.
There are cabs upon cabs on the sidewalk and I get the one at the front.
"Where to Mademoiselle?" he asks, helping me into the carriage.
"Montmarte," I say.
His hand suddenly flinches on mine. "You sure you wanna be there, Mademoiselle, at this time of night?"
I flash him a smile. "I'll be fine."
The driver takes me back to the only home I had ever known in silence, and after I give him a few francs I go through the gates to the Moulin Rouge.
Maybe a stroll through the gardens would be nice, I think, but then I see my elephant. It's so beautiful behind the full moon. But the lights are on. I thought I had turned them off. Harold will be angry with me for leaving them on.
So, scratch that idea of walking through the gardens. Sleep sounds wonderful as well.
I make my way up the stairs and I pause before the door, a weird feeling creeping over me. Not butterflies, but a sense that something is not right. That nothing will ever be right again. I laugh it off and go through the door, flopping onto the bed, hearing the words "how wonderful life is, now you're in the world" ring through my ears. I hug myself and turn toward the foot of the bed, seeing a person sitting in a chair over there.
I let out a squeal as I fall off the bed. I try to catch my breath, and the nasal laugh that fills my ears gives me my answer to who it is.
"My dear Duke," I say, rising form the floor and brushing myself off, trying to keep my dignity. I laugh at myself. I'm a hooker, for Christ's sake. I have no dignity, and the Diamond smiles her smile. It's no longer Satine in my room, but the devilish Diamond. "I didn't even see you there."
"My darling," he says, rising from the chair and coming to kiss my hand. His moustache across my skin almost makes me rip my hands from his cold fingers. "Where were you? I've waited nearly ten minutes."
Wow, ten whole minutes. I'm surprised you didn't yell and shriek to Harold, I say to myself, but to him I say, "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. But, the… the stars were so beautiful tonight I couldn't help but walk under them and wish under a few shooting ones."
He gags on a laugh. "You don't really believe dreams come true on stars, do you?"
"Of course not," I reply. "It's just some silly childhood imagination of mine, I guess." Bastard. Dreams are all we have to live for here in the underworld. That is, until I met Christian…
A smile brightens my face – a real smile - and I feel my whole body warm, and I don't even care that the Duke is here. I love Christian; I can't hide it from myself anymore. But I have to from him, and I cough lightly, freeing my hand from the Duke.
But it's too late. I see that sparkle in the Duke's eyes that shakes me to my bones. He has to leave. He has to leave now.
"The time is getting late," I say quickly. "I have a lovely idea. Tomorrow, why don't you and I…"
But he silences me with a kiss. His lips cover mine, like he's going to eat me. His moustache scratches my lips and cheeks again and my fingernails digging into my fists is the only thing that keeps me from pulling away and throwing up at the spot. I hate it when he kisses me. My hands have been so sore lately it's hard to hold he swing during performances.
When his hands fly down my back and start to untie my dress, that's when I step away.
"My dear, what's wrong?" he asks, surprised.
You, I want to say. "I'm afraid you take my breath away, Duke. But really, let's…" the Diamond gives him a wink and licks her lips, "finish this tomorrow."
"Satine," he breathes, his nose twitching. "You must know my feelings for you, as I already know yours." He kisses my hand and draws me toward him, kissing my neck and shoulders.
I bite my lip, scowling. Eew. "But dear Duke, opening night…"
He lifts his head, thank goodness. "Pisssh!" he almost yells and went back to doing what he didn't do best.
And then he starts to drag me toward the bed. Oh God… Christian, save me!
"Duke…" I whisper, almost pleading him to stop when I find myself on my back on the mattress. But he hears it as pleasing and he kisses my face as his hands begin to untie my dress. Oh God, oh God, save me!
I see his hands fiddle with the buttons on his pants and a black wad being flung to the ground. Through a numbing cold, I feel my dress being tugged off.
Stop! Stop! I scream.
But you'll be a star. You'll fly far, far away from here, Diamond whispers to me. But I don't care. Dreams are good. This… this is horrible.
God, can you hear me? Save me!
But God didn't save me that night, nor did Christian. The duke's cold hands were upon me all night, and his bushy moustache across my skin maked me sick.
As soon as he was asleep, I crept out of the bed, careful not to wake him just like all my other customers. When they woke up they usually wanted to start 'it' all over again.
Wrapping a robe around me, I hurried out of the elephant. There's fresh snow on the ground, so cold on my feet, but I hardly notice it. I go to the back gardens and brush the snow off a bench a sit.
As I shiver, a flower tickles my foot. They were so beautiful. I remember when Harold bought them all and stuck them in the ground. They were cheaper like this, cloth. Beautiful, fake…
That's how I had been my whole life. I was only worth what someone would pay for me, but Christian… he saw all past that. He loves me. I love him, and I had just betrayed him.
My robe can't keep me warm, the friction from my hands or anything. I feel so low. I hate myself. I had slept with many men in my past, but I never felt like this afterward. Christian…
I don't even care that it's freezing and I have no shoes on. My body was already frozen and my heart icy.
It's hard to breathe. I try to sigh, but a cry comes out instead. "I am falling," I sing quietly to the fake flower. "I am fading. I have lost it all."
Suddenly Christian comes to my mind, and I smile, and then I remember what happened last night. My hands fly to my eyes, tears seeping through my fingers. "You know I don't mean to hurt you," I sing. "But you know that it means so much. And you don't even feel a thing."
I stand, picking up as many fake flowers as I can in my hands and I run to the back entrance, where the large green dumpster is located.
"I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning. Help me to breathe."
I turn the flower in my hand, picking off its petals and flinging it in the dumpster.
My knees buckle and I fall into the snow, tears streaming down my cheeks, and my body shakes with sobs. "I am hurting, I have lost it all…"
--------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: I do not own Moulin Rouge, not even Christian. ::sigh::
Author's Note: I do not like the duke. I hate him very, very much. This story WILL get better, I hope, as I go along. And tell me what you think! But you know… no pressure…
SONGS USED:
'All Ready There' by Lonestar
'Duvet' by Boa