What had possessed me to come tonight… I don't know. Her words, her face,
her touch was bouncing off the walls in my head, driving me to madness.
Jealously… yes, jealousy will drive you mad.
I wanted her… to feel sorry. To feel this pain. I checked my pocket to see if the money was in there, but my fingers touched the velvet box. Slowly, I dragged it out of my dark pocket and held it out in front of me.
"It could have been us…" I whisper, shoving it back in the pocket.
I want her to cry, to have her heart ripped out. I want… her.
My hands cover my face and I sigh deeply. I want… to not be in love with her.
"Ten minutes!" someone yells backstage.
I sigh, looking into my mirror and dabbing away my tears with a handkerchief. This play… it means nothing. Would the ending really be mine?
Even after all his hard work, Christian wasn't aloud to come and see his own production. Christian… where are you now?
"I know someday I'll look back on all this, on how we said a final goodbye. And I'll think of all the moments we'll never know. Well I hope that he knows that I had to. Although it's hard to say what is sad to…"
"Satine…" Marie's head pops in from the door. "Are you ready? They're waiting for you."
I looked back toward the window and pushed my flowing hair back. The Hindi Sad Diamond costume was the best costume I had ever had… no corset. But at least in those I could suffer. Violet pants – the first time I had ever was aloud to wear pants – and a small shirt, held together by mesh screening toward my stomach. I felt like a mess, had thrown up several times that day – from grief or the child growing inside me, I wasn't sure. I turned toward Marie and smiled. "I'm ready."
Marie smiled and took my hand, leading me through the mess of people backstage and taking me down stairs, where I would go up from the floor in my entrance.
"Break a leg," she whispered, patting me on the butt and turning away. It was always a tradition to do that.
A stagehand extended a palm to me and helped me up on the shiny platform. He smiled, and then left me alone in the darkness. No one had to be down here, I could hear my cue with the music to get ready. Already I heard the audience through the floorboards.
I sighed and sat down, legs crossed. It was the first time since I had done that… without a strangling corset wrapped around my body.
This is… it. I'll never see another Montmatre sun as Satine. I will… die, tonight, after the curtain falls. I smiled briefly, the only thing I had been looking for since this morning. I was going to die. Everything would be all right.
"It all ends today," I whispered, tracing a heart in the air. "Yes it all ends… today."
But Christian… I would miss him. I couldn't see him anymore after this. No, dead people can't visit the living. I just hope he'll understand that I had to. It's the only way.
The play was in full swing. Everything was going to plan. Hidden under the set, I mouthed the words of everyone in the play. And suddenly… Satine's voice, so soft and pure, echoed through the building. "I believe you were expecting me."
"Yes… yes," I whispered in sync with the Argentinean.
I sighed and pushed the hair out of my face. I want to leave, stay in my garret, and get drunk with the Green Fairy. SHE would never leave me for the maharaja.
She would never love me as much, make me feel like I was as rich, as lucky.
"Satine…"
She laughs in the play and I turn away, plugging my ears. When I get my chance, I will go to her. Demand her to tell me it wasn't real. That she didn't love me. But somewhere in the back of my head, I wondered if it would make me feel any better if she told me it meant nothing?
From further away I hear Toulouse murmur, "I know she still woves him. Thewe's got to be a weason…
Toulouse… he always stayed true to his believes, unlike the Argentinean.
"How about one is a Duke and the other-" The Argentinean's deep cuts off, and there is a rumble.
Suddenly, in front of me is the Argentinean. I push up his slumped head, and lift his eyelids to find them crossed. He's… unconscious. An idea runs through my head and I take of my black jacket and take his.
My hand rested over the mirror and I took in ragged breaths. It's so hard to breathe. The lights were so hot on my skin, and the Hindi wedding dress was so tight. I raised the back of my hand to my mouth and I began to cough, leaning on the vanity table for support.
Suddenly, something in the mirror catches my eye and I turned around… to see Christian. I start to smile when I see him, but his blood-shot eyes remind me the pain I caused him and I keep my distance. "What are you doing here?" I ask.
He forces an angry smile. "I've come to pay my bill."
'Bill? You think you owe me for your love? Please, just understand' my mind is screaming to him. 'He'll kill you if you stay…'
I straighten myself up and begin to walk out the door. 'You shouldn't bee here Christian. Just leave."
I try to ignore the shadow I have now and I turn to other actors, to stagehands pleading for them to just take him away. To save him from the fate he'll have if he stays.
I clutch the railing to go up to my spot, but he grabs my shoulder roughly and I can't move.
"You made me believe you loved me, why shouldn't I pay you?" he spits out.
I look away from his eyes. "Please, Christian…"
People have gathered around us, trying to confine Christian, but he pushes them off. I run away from him as they grab his hands, but then he knocks them down and grabs my wrist.
"You did your job so very, very well!" he screams. Tears are running down his face and I try to look away. He shakes my arms. "Why can't I pay you like everyone else does?"
I shake my head. No, you don't understand. Please… from the corner of my eye I see something shining. A gun, held by Warner. He's… he's going to kill him… No, no he's not. Not before I go.
I fling myself onto Christian, hoping to cover his body from Warner's aim. "Please Christian that's not why. Please… please just leave." I can't help the tears anymore and they flow freely.
He shakes his head. "Tell me it wasn't real," he whispers.
I look into his eyes, bordering with hate and anger. 'Nothing can ever make me stop being in love with you. No one on this earth is that powerful. But he will KILL you… "Please, go…"
"Tell me it wasn't real," he repeats.
"No."
"Why can't I pay you?" he yells, gripping my hands tighter. Money forced into my hands. I push them away.
There is confusion everywhere and I hear Harold's annoyed voice yell, "Open the doors!" That's my cue.
Behind my back, I hear the click of a loading gun. The tears fall like the pouring rain.
"Go," I mouth, my words gone from me, leaning close to him so he can hear me.
"Let me pay! Let me pay!" His words shout through me, braking me. "Tell me it wasn't real! Tell me you don't love me!"
I can't. I can't. Just leave! I can't say anything… my words, my air is gone.
"Open the doors," Harold yells again.
But all I can hear clearly is Christian. "Tell me you don't love me."
He pushes me to the ground and he falls to his knees, still pushing the bills of money to me. "Tell me you don't love me!" he screams.
The door opens in front of us, and I blankly look at the audience who are just as confused as I am.
Everything is silent across the room, and then Harold forces a laugh. "Hahaha! I am not fooled, though he has shaved off his beard and adopt a disguise; my eyes do not lie! For it is he, the same penniless sitar player! Driven mad my jealousy." The audience nods and laughs.
I take some nerve and look at Christian's swollen, tear streaked eyes. He grabs my hand roughly and throws me down the steps. I land in a pile and lay my head on the ground, wanting to wake from this dream.
"This woman is yours now," he whispers, his voice full of pain. The bills of money showers over me. "I paid my whore!" The word makes me shiver. His voice quiets down, and he speaks to me alone. "I owe you nothing, and you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my…" he sniffs in, his voice wavers, "ridiculous obsession with… love."
He turns, and I lift my head, staring after him. "No…" I whisper, unable to do anything from stopping him. He pauses over the audience, glares at the Duke and throws off his coat and continues down the isle.
No… this is not the way it's supposed to end. Come back!
Harold gives me his hands and helps my shaking body up to my feet. "See, this sitar player… doesn't love you."
"I know, Harold," I whisper.
"Pumpkin, it's for the best," he says quietly back to me.
I look into his eyes and shake my head. How can this be good? "No…"
"You know it is. Don't forget my promise." He turns toward the audience and I can't help but stare after Christian, walking slumped over toward the exit. Out of my life.
"And now my bride it is time to raise your voice to the heavens and say your wedding vows!"
I tune his voice out and stare after my penniless poet. This can't be the way it ends.
Something behind stage breaks, and a loud thump echoes.
"THE GREATEST THING YOU'LL EVER LEARN IS JUST TO LOVE, AND BE LOVE LOVED IN RETURN!"
I smile. Toulouse… he finally got his line right, after so long. He spoke the truth, the sitar player always did.
His words filled me with hope and I looked again toward Christian. He was affected be the words, too. He's not moving, but I can imagine his face. Scared, lost, confused…
My heart reaches out for him. "Never knew…" my voice is still returning to me, "I could feel like this. It's like I've never seen the sky before… want to vanish inside your kiss. Everyday I'm loving you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings? Come back to me and forgive everything!" My lungs fill with air and a pain from my child stings. I lean down and take a deep breath. I can't stop. Not with him thinking I don't love him. "Season's may change, winter to spring." I straighten up and stare into his eyes, the anger rolling away. "I love you… till the end of time."
Will he say anything back? Will it just end here? I wait in silence for what seems like days.
I was angry at first. Toulouse's line that he could never remember came to haunt me. And then the song… our song. No matter how bad things get… we love one another.
I take a deep breath in, the knot in my stomach slowly loosening. "Come what may." I glance at her face. She closes her eyes for a brief second and then looks up with a smile. Yes, she loves me. "Come what may… come what may. Come what may!" I begin to walk, to run, to get closer to her. "I will love you!"
"I will love you!" she sings, a full smile on her lips. A real smile.
"Until my dying…"
She nods, "…Dying…"
I go up the stairs and my arms reach out for her and she falls in my embrace. Our voices are loud and true. "…Day! Come what may!"
She touches my cheek "Come what may!"
I look into her eyes, brimming with tears. She loves me.
"I will love you, until my dying…"
A bright explosion erupts and we're lifted into the air. "Day!" we sing loudly, sinking into each other's arms. I press a kiss to her lips as the curtain falls.
We did it… we did our ending.
"Get ready for your curtain calls!" a man yells.
I look into Satine's eyes, for some reason full of worry. She glances over toward Harold Zidler and nods, turning back to me. I smile and kiss her again, taking her hand and leading her to her spot.
Her hand tear's out of mine and she gasps loudly.
My eardrums almost rip at the sound and I whirl around, falling on the ground to catch Satine.
"S-Satine?" I hold her in my arms on the ground as she coughs wildly. "Satine, what's the matter. Tell me – tell me what's the matter…" Something red appears on her lips and I touch my finger to it, raising it to my eyes. It's… it's… "Oh god… Somebody get some help!"
Her eyes stare into me with regret "I'm… I'm so sorry Christian. I have to… I… I… I'm dying."
I bite my lip, refusing to let the creeping cry to surface. I have to keep her calm. "Nonsense. You're… you're sick. Just be quiet now, you'll be all right, you'll be all right…"
"I'm cold," she whispers, a tear falling down her face. "I'm so cold."
What do I do? I… I don't' know what to do?
"Hold me."
I comply and rock her to me. "I love you."
"I love you… so much. Christian… you've got to go on …"
I shake my head. "You're gonna make it…" I stare at her face again, more red on her lips. A cough rattles through her body and my whole body shakes. "I can't go on without you," I whisper.
"You're so… very talented." Her voice is getting weaker and I can feel her start to fade away inside my heart. "Tell our story Christian…"
I shook my head. Please don't make me live without you. "No…"
"Yes, promise me, promise me."
"No…" I sob, holding her closer.
"Yes, that way, I'll… I'll always be with you."
I refuse to let myself close my eyes, to see her leave. I slowly nod and lean down to her lips, so cold. A kiss...our last one.
I lift my head and see her blue eyes strained open.
"S-Satine?" I ask, touching her pale cheeks. "Satine? D-don't leave me this way… P-Please, c-come back…"
She didn't move, didn't breathe. I looked into her open eyes and pulled her close to me and sobbed with every thing I had.
Outside, the audience continued their applause. Backstage, the lights dimmed and I held her numbly in my arms until someone pulled her body away from me, somewhere.
And never would I see her again.
Today's the day, when dreaming ended. I had killed one life, destroyed another. Who am I? I'm Satan's devil.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Disclaimer: I do not own Moulin Rouge, not even Christian. ::sigh::
Author's Note: One more chapter left. I hope you're ready…
SONGS USED:
'Friends, The best of (reprise)' from Do Black Patent Shoes Really Reflect Up (our school musical)
'Come What May' written by David Baerwald (thanks Isabella!)
Jealously… yes, jealousy will drive you mad.
I wanted her… to feel sorry. To feel this pain. I checked my pocket to see if the money was in there, but my fingers touched the velvet box. Slowly, I dragged it out of my dark pocket and held it out in front of me.
"It could have been us…" I whisper, shoving it back in the pocket.
I want her to cry, to have her heart ripped out. I want… her.
My hands cover my face and I sigh deeply. I want… to not be in love with her.
"Ten minutes!" someone yells backstage.
I sigh, looking into my mirror and dabbing away my tears with a handkerchief. This play… it means nothing. Would the ending really be mine?
Even after all his hard work, Christian wasn't aloud to come and see his own production. Christian… where are you now?
"I know someday I'll look back on all this, on how we said a final goodbye. And I'll think of all the moments we'll never know. Well I hope that he knows that I had to. Although it's hard to say what is sad to…"
"Satine…" Marie's head pops in from the door. "Are you ready? They're waiting for you."
I looked back toward the window and pushed my flowing hair back. The Hindi Sad Diamond costume was the best costume I had ever had… no corset. But at least in those I could suffer. Violet pants – the first time I had ever was aloud to wear pants – and a small shirt, held together by mesh screening toward my stomach. I felt like a mess, had thrown up several times that day – from grief or the child growing inside me, I wasn't sure. I turned toward Marie and smiled. "I'm ready."
Marie smiled and took my hand, leading me through the mess of people backstage and taking me down stairs, where I would go up from the floor in my entrance.
"Break a leg," she whispered, patting me on the butt and turning away. It was always a tradition to do that.
A stagehand extended a palm to me and helped me up on the shiny platform. He smiled, and then left me alone in the darkness. No one had to be down here, I could hear my cue with the music to get ready. Already I heard the audience through the floorboards.
I sighed and sat down, legs crossed. It was the first time since I had done that… without a strangling corset wrapped around my body.
This is… it. I'll never see another Montmatre sun as Satine. I will… die, tonight, after the curtain falls. I smiled briefly, the only thing I had been looking for since this morning. I was going to die. Everything would be all right.
"It all ends today," I whispered, tracing a heart in the air. "Yes it all ends… today."
But Christian… I would miss him. I couldn't see him anymore after this. No, dead people can't visit the living. I just hope he'll understand that I had to. It's the only way.
The play was in full swing. Everything was going to plan. Hidden under the set, I mouthed the words of everyone in the play. And suddenly… Satine's voice, so soft and pure, echoed through the building. "I believe you were expecting me."
"Yes… yes," I whispered in sync with the Argentinean.
I sighed and pushed the hair out of my face. I want to leave, stay in my garret, and get drunk with the Green Fairy. SHE would never leave me for the maharaja.
She would never love me as much, make me feel like I was as rich, as lucky.
"Satine…"
She laughs in the play and I turn away, plugging my ears. When I get my chance, I will go to her. Demand her to tell me it wasn't real. That she didn't love me. But somewhere in the back of my head, I wondered if it would make me feel any better if she told me it meant nothing?
From further away I hear Toulouse murmur, "I know she still woves him. Thewe's got to be a weason…
Toulouse… he always stayed true to his believes, unlike the Argentinean.
"How about one is a Duke and the other-" The Argentinean's deep cuts off, and there is a rumble.
Suddenly, in front of me is the Argentinean. I push up his slumped head, and lift his eyelids to find them crossed. He's… unconscious. An idea runs through my head and I take of my black jacket and take his.
My hand rested over the mirror and I took in ragged breaths. It's so hard to breathe. The lights were so hot on my skin, and the Hindi wedding dress was so tight. I raised the back of my hand to my mouth and I began to cough, leaning on the vanity table for support.
Suddenly, something in the mirror catches my eye and I turned around… to see Christian. I start to smile when I see him, but his blood-shot eyes remind me the pain I caused him and I keep my distance. "What are you doing here?" I ask.
He forces an angry smile. "I've come to pay my bill."
'Bill? You think you owe me for your love? Please, just understand' my mind is screaming to him. 'He'll kill you if you stay…'
I straighten myself up and begin to walk out the door. 'You shouldn't bee here Christian. Just leave."
I try to ignore the shadow I have now and I turn to other actors, to stagehands pleading for them to just take him away. To save him from the fate he'll have if he stays.
I clutch the railing to go up to my spot, but he grabs my shoulder roughly and I can't move.
"You made me believe you loved me, why shouldn't I pay you?" he spits out.
I look away from his eyes. "Please, Christian…"
People have gathered around us, trying to confine Christian, but he pushes them off. I run away from him as they grab his hands, but then he knocks them down and grabs my wrist.
"You did your job so very, very well!" he screams. Tears are running down his face and I try to look away. He shakes my arms. "Why can't I pay you like everyone else does?"
I shake my head. No, you don't understand. Please… from the corner of my eye I see something shining. A gun, held by Warner. He's… he's going to kill him… No, no he's not. Not before I go.
I fling myself onto Christian, hoping to cover his body from Warner's aim. "Please Christian that's not why. Please… please just leave." I can't help the tears anymore and they flow freely.
He shakes his head. "Tell me it wasn't real," he whispers.
I look into his eyes, bordering with hate and anger. 'Nothing can ever make me stop being in love with you. No one on this earth is that powerful. But he will KILL you… "Please, go…"
"Tell me it wasn't real," he repeats.
"No."
"Why can't I pay you?" he yells, gripping my hands tighter. Money forced into my hands. I push them away.
There is confusion everywhere and I hear Harold's annoyed voice yell, "Open the doors!" That's my cue.
Behind my back, I hear the click of a loading gun. The tears fall like the pouring rain.
"Go," I mouth, my words gone from me, leaning close to him so he can hear me.
"Let me pay! Let me pay!" His words shout through me, braking me. "Tell me it wasn't real! Tell me you don't love me!"
I can't. I can't. Just leave! I can't say anything… my words, my air is gone.
"Open the doors," Harold yells again.
But all I can hear clearly is Christian. "Tell me you don't love me."
He pushes me to the ground and he falls to his knees, still pushing the bills of money to me. "Tell me you don't love me!" he screams.
The door opens in front of us, and I blankly look at the audience who are just as confused as I am.
Everything is silent across the room, and then Harold forces a laugh. "Hahaha! I am not fooled, though he has shaved off his beard and adopt a disguise; my eyes do not lie! For it is he, the same penniless sitar player! Driven mad my jealousy." The audience nods and laughs.
I take some nerve and look at Christian's swollen, tear streaked eyes. He grabs my hand roughly and throws me down the steps. I land in a pile and lay my head on the ground, wanting to wake from this dream.
"This woman is yours now," he whispers, his voice full of pain. The bills of money showers over me. "I paid my whore!" The word makes me shiver. His voice quiets down, and he speaks to me alone. "I owe you nothing, and you are nothing to me. Thank you for curing me of my…" he sniffs in, his voice wavers, "ridiculous obsession with… love."
He turns, and I lift my head, staring after him. "No…" I whisper, unable to do anything from stopping him. He pauses over the audience, glares at the Duke and throws off his coat and continues down the isle.
No… this is not the way it's supposed to end. Come back!
Harold gives me his hands and helps my shaking body up to my feet. "See, this sitar player… doesn't love you."
"I know, Harold," I whisper.
"Pumpkin, it's for the best," he says quietly back to me.
I look into his eyes and shake my head. How can this be good? "No…"
"You know it is. Don't forget my promise." He turns toward the audience and I can't help but stare after Christian, walking slumped over toward the exit. Out of my life.
"And now my bride it is time to raise your voice to the heavens and say your wedding vows!"
I tune his voice out and stare after my penniless poet. This can't be the way it ends.
Something behind stage breaks, and a loud thump echoes.
"THE GREATEST THING YOU'LL EVER LEARN IS JUST TO LOVE, AND BE LOVE LOVED IN RETURN!"
I smile. Toulouse… he finally got his line right, after so long. He spoke the truth, the sitar player always did.
His words filled me with hope and I looked again toward Christian. He was affected be the words, too. He's not moving, but I can imagine his face. Scared, lost, confused…
My heart reaches out for him. "Never knew…" my voice is still returning to me, "I could feel like this. It's like I've never seen the sky before… want to vanish inside your kiss. Everyday I'm loving you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings? Come back to me and forgive everything!" My lungs fill with air and a pain from my child stings. I lean down and take a deep breath. I can't stop. Not with him thinking I don't love him. "Season's may change, winter to spring." I straighten up and stare into his eyes, the anger rolling away. "I love you… till the end of time."
Will he say anything back? Will it just end here? I wait in silence for what seems like days.
I was angry at first. Toulouse's line that he could never remember came to haunt me. And then the song… our song. No matter how bad things get… we love one another.
I take a deep breath in, the knot in my stomach slowly loosening. "Come what may." I glance at her face. She closes her eyes for a brief second and then looks up with a smile. Yes, she loves me. "Come what may… come what may. Come what may!" I begin to walk, to run, to get closer to her. "I will love you!"
"I will love you!" she sings, a full smile on her lips. A real smile.
"Until my dying…"
She nods, "…Dying…"
I go up the stairs and my arms reach out for her and she falls in my embrace. Our voices are loud and true. "…Day! Come what may!"
She touches my cheek "Come what may!"
I look into her eyes, brimming with tears. She loves me.
"I will love you, until my dying…"
A bright explosion erupts and we're lifted into the air. "Day!" we sing loudly, sinking into each other's arms. I press a kiss to her lips as the curtain falls.
We did it… we did our ending.
"Get ready for your curtain calls!" a man yells.
I look into Satine's eyes, for some reason full of worry. She glances over toward Harold Zidler and nods, turning back to me. I smile and kiss her again, taking her hand and leading her to her spot.
Her hand tear's out of mine and she gasps loudly.
My eardrums almost rip at the sound and I whirl around, falling on the ground to catch Satine.
"S-Satine?" I hold her in my arms on the ground as she coughs wildly. "Satine, what's the matter. Tell me – tell me what's the matter…" Something red appears on her lips and I touch my finger to it, raising it to my eyes. It's… it's… "Oh god… Somebody get some help!"
Her eyes stare into me with regret "I'm… I'm so sorry Christian. I have to… I… I… I'm dying."
I bite my lip, refusing to let the creeping cry to surface. I have to keep her calm. "Nonsense. You're… you're sick. Just be quiet now, you'll be all right, you'll be all right…"
"I'm cold," she whispers, a tear falling down her face. "I'm so cold."
What do I do? I… I don't' know what to do?
"Hold me."
I comply and rock her to me. "I love you."
"I love you… so much. Christian… you've got to go on …"
I shake my head. "You're gonna make it…" I stare at her face again, more red on her lips. A cough rattles through her body and my whole body shakes. "I can't go on without you," I whisper.
"You're so… very talented." Her voice is getting weaker and I can feel her start to fade away inside my heart. "Tell our story Christian…"
I shook my head. Please don't make me live without you. "No…"
"Yes, promise me, promise me."
"No…" I sob, holding her closer.
"Yes, that way, I'll… I'll always be with you."
I refuse to let myself close my eyes, to see her leave. I slowly nod and lean down to her lips, so cold. A kiss...our last one.
I lift my head and see her blue eyes strained open.
"S-Satine?" I ask, touching her pale cheeks. "Satine? D-don't leave me this way… P-Please, c-come back…"
She didn't move, didn't breathe. I looked into her open eyes and pulled her close to me and sobbed with every thing I had.
Outside, the audience continued their applause. Backstage, the lights dimmed and I held her numbly in my arms until someone pulled her body away from me, somewhere.
And never would I see her again.
Today's the day, when dreaming ended. I had killed one life, destroyed another. Who am I? I'm Satan's devil.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
Disclaimer: I do not own Moulin Rouge, not even Christian. ::sigh::
Author's Note: One more chapter left. I hope you're ready…
SONGS USED:
'Friends, The best of (reprise)' from Do Black Patent Shoes Really Reflect Up (our school musical)
'Come What May' written by David Baerwald (thanks Isabella!)