Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and so on.
Note: Now I shall start self-inserting myself into my story! Hey, self-insertion seems to be all the rage around here, so I thought "why not?". I will go by the name of Nexis Parallax, as I have spent so much time thinking of the perfect version of me if I were a Final Fantasy VII character. Here are my stats:
Name: Nexis Parallax
Weapon: Rod
Ultimate weapon and description: "Destiny's Call", a rod with a small sphere encrusted with thorns on top. It glows a different color with each element that I use.
Limits:
Lvl 1:
Shadow Rod: Simply does double the damage of my regular attack.
Time Eclipse: Cast haste on allies and slow on enemies.
Lvl 2:
Thunder's Gate: Lightning damage to all enemies.
Drain Light: Steal HP/MP.
Lvl 3:
Storm Vortex: Hits twice, once for Water damage and once for Lightning damage.
Prism Shards: Hits five times with non-elemental damage, then casts Reflect on all allies and enemies.
Lvl 4:
Rainbow Metamorphasis: Hits seven times, each time with a different element: Fire, Earth, Lightning, Poison, Ice, Water, and Wind, in that order.
Hope that didn't bore you. Now let's start the story!
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Episode 3: The Gold Saucer (Part 3)
********************************
When we last left our little "heroes", Aeris was swearing revenge on Sephiroth.
Aeris: I'm swearing revenge on Sephiroth!
Vincent: Yeah, that's great . . . .
Aeris: No seriously, I shall get him back so hard!
Vincent: Whatever . . . .
Zell: Precious hot dogs, come to me! (starts eating hot dogs)
Vincent: Zell, chew, then swallow.
Celes: Have you noticed that we have nearly no lines at all?
Locke: Hey, you're right! That's unfair!
Celes: Then let's go do something for a change so that the author has to write us in!
***********************
At the Speed Square . . . .
***********************
Locke: Yay, we get to do something for a change!
Ticket lady: Please enjoy the ride. Your goal is to go BANG BANG and make things go BOOM BOOM while going VROOM VROOM.
Celes: Ok, that was weird. Oh well, let's start the ride.
Locke: (with the gun) Wheeeeeee!!! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Celes: Oh gee, so typical of the male race.
Locke: Die UFO! Die Lava Rock! Die little balloon! Die guy who is operating the ride!
Celes: Um, Locke, if you just killed the man who is controlling the ride, then who will control the ride?
Locke: Good question.
Meanwhile, the dead operator slumps onto the "fast" button, sending the coaster into overdrive.
Locke and Celes: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vincent walks into Speed Square.
Vincent: Did I just hear someone scream?
Locke and Celes: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vincent: Hmmm, guess I did.
Locke: Help us!
Vincent: Gee, I wish I could, but how do you operate the coaster?
Celes: Try the off button!
Vincent: Let's see, which is the off button . . . .
Locke: It's the red one!
Vincent: Hmm, let's see. How about this one? **presses the red button**
Operating machine: The red button is currently broken. Please have a good day.
Vincent: Oh, now how am I suppose to stop the ride?
***********************************
Meanwhile, let's check in on Aeris . . . .
***********************************
Aeris: Now how should I get back at Sephiroth? Maybe I can just beat him up real badly. No, I should humiliate him instead! I've got just the plan! **pulls out cell phone and starts dialing** Hello?
Voice on phone: Oh, hi Aeris! What do you need today?
Aeris: Oh, nothing, I just need a little favor of our group today.
Voice on phone: What for?
Aeris: There is a certain jerk that I wish to have humiliated. I'm at the Gold Saucer right now. Can you come?
Voice on phone: No problem. We shall be there in one hour.
Aeris: Excellent. Everything goes according to plan . . . .
**********************
Now let's go to Zell . . . .
**********************
Zell: I'm eating hot dogs, I'm eating hot dogs, oh how I love to eat hot dogs . . . .
********************************************************
Um, never mind that. Now let's just see where Sephiroth is . . . .
********************************************************
Out in the desert . . . .
Sephiroth: That stupid spiky-haired idiot! To think that he defeated the great Sephiroth!
Sephiroth's Mind: That wouldn't be the first time . . . .
Sephiroth: Shut up! Who asked you?
Sephiroth's Mind: No one. I am just here to annoy you.
Sephiroth: Annoy this! **punches his head** Ow, that hurt!
Sephiroth's Mind: Ha ha! I shall haunt you forevermore!
Sephiroth: Oh yeah? We'll just see about that! Let's see if you can handle this!
Sephiroth's Mind: What are you doing?
Sephiroth: I'm thinking of all the most stupid thoughts I could come up with.
Sephiroth's Mind: And how is that going to hurt me?
Sephiroth: You'll see . . . .
Sephiroth's Mind: Ha, what do you think you could do to me? I - Ahhhh!!! What are you doing? I'm going to . . . . to . . . . to . . . . .
Sephiroth: There, all better?
Sephiroth's Mind: Uh . . . . Duh . . . . Huh . . . .
Sephiroth: Talk about a brain drain. Hey, if that's my mind, then why am I still sane?
Suddenly, Hojo comes flying down from the sky.
Hojo: Because you actually have two minds. One is JENOVA's, and the other is yours. The one that you've destroyed is the JEVOVA mind, now gone haywire because JENOVA was destroyed.
Sephiroth: Oh. But still, I am going to destroy you right now.
Hojo: (Darth Vader style) Sephiroth, I am your father.
Sephiroth: No duh! **The masamune flies from where it was left in the Gold Saucer and impales Hojo**
Hojo: You may have killed me, but I still have fourteen other clones out there, somewhere! **dies**
Sephiroth: Now was that just the most pointless peice of garbage you have ever read? **heads back to the Gold Saucer**
**************************
Back at the Gold Saucer . . . .
**************************
Sephiroth: Now that I have finally gotten back, I think that I shall go and fight a bit at the Battle Square. **goes to Battle Square**
Ticket lady: Welcome. You shall fight eight little pointless and incredibly easy battles. However, we shall inflict you with as many handicaps as we possibly can to make your process much harder and amazingly annoying.
Sephiroth: Hm, sounds like fun. **goes in**
Aeris: Hey, it's about time you've shown up! I've been waiting for half an hour here.
Sephiroth: Aeris, what are you doing here?
Aeris: I have come to finally get revenge for what you did yesterday at the opera!
Sephiroth: You wish! What is a little girl going to do to stop the all mighty Sephiroth? Not even an entire army of little girls are going to stop me!
Aeris: Funny you should mention that . . . .
Sephiroth: What?
Aeris: Oh girls, come out now . . . . .
********************************************************************************************************
What is it that Aeris is planning? Oh come on, you should have guessed it by now. Well, just stay tuned until after the commercial break!
********************************************************************************************************
(commercial 1)
Announcer: Hi, welcome to the home shopping network. Today we feature a beautiful hand-crafted sword called the "Ultima Weapon". And afterwards, we shall show you our other one-of-a-kind merchandise.
Hostess: That's right, Ted. We also have a lovely "Premium Heart" glove and a beautiful rod known as the "Princess Guard". Tune in at six o-clock today for more items, including the "Venus Gospel", "Death Penalty", "Limited Moon", and more!
Cloud: **breaks in** Hey you! Give us back our stuff!
Announcer: Um, just tune in and hopefully you'll see us with all of our body limbs attached.
Cloud: Oh, I'm afraid that won't happen. **chops off the Announcer's arm with the Heaven's Cloud sword**
Hostess: Ok, we are experiencing some technical difficulties. If you would excuse us for a moment.
Cloud: Excuse this! **impales the Hostess with the Ragnarok**
Cloud: Now this show is under my control! Who wants to buy this lovely "Atma Weapon" sword?
(commercial 2)
A Different Announcer: Have you always wanted to win it big at the Chocobo Races, but just couldn't do it?
Random Person: Well, not really . . . .
A Different Announcer: Well, you've come to the right place! At Bargain Bill's Chocobo Ranch, we offer many, many Chocobos for you to buy, ride, and win!
Random Person: But isn't it true that the chocobos around the ranch are all poor classed chocobos?
A Different Announcer: Why, no.
Random Person: But I've always heard that the chocobos around Mideel, Rocket Town, and Icicle Inn were much stronger.
A Different Announcer: Hey, kid, just stick to the script.
Random Person: But the world deserves to hear the truth!
A Different Announcer: Oh, just end the commercial now! We're losing a lot of good publicity!
(End of Commercial Break)
********************************************************************************************************
Sephiroth: What, why did you bring all your little friends over here?
Aeris: Oh, these are just the members of my Sorceress' Guild. (author's note: remember, the commercial in Chapter 2?)
Aeris: There's Terra from FF VI, and over there is Rinoa of FF VIII, and there's also Garnet of FF IX, and here is Lucca and Marle from Chrono Trigger, and there's even Lulu and Yuna of FF X.
Sephiroth: And what do you plan to do to me.
Aeris: Oh, we just plan to beat you up and humiliate you in front of everyone.
Sephiroth: Oh really?
Terra: Yeah, we've heard a lot about you, Sephiroth. Is it true that you stab defenseless girls in the back while they are praying?
Sephiroth: Do I ever!
Terra: Well, in that case . . . . **draws out Atma Weapon**
Rinoa: Yes, I agree. **takes out Shooting Star**
Sephiroth: Hey, just because I stabbed Aeris doesn't mean that I will stab you all as well.
Aeris: Please! What a totally rediculous argument! **pulls out Princess Guard**
Sephiroth: You know, you're just wasting time pulling out all of your weapons one by one.
Lulu: He's right! We should all just attack him right now! **starts hitting Sephiroth with a Cactaur doll**
Sephiroth: Hey, that hurts! Those thorns are sharp!
Lulu: Oh come on, those thorns are made of rubber!
Sephiroth: But their all so pointy . . . .
Garnet: You mean as opposed to your pointless life before our hands?
Sephiroth: I'm not afraid of a bunch of little sissies!
Yuna: Oh dear, that means that we will have to do something quite unpleseant to you.
Marle: Let's get' em, girls!
********************
Half an hour later . . . .
********************
Sephiroth is now completely bruised and beaten, and is now tied onto a pole and being carried around the Gold Saucer by the Sorceress' Guild. A huge sign hangs above him that says, "I, the great Sephiroth, have been beaten and humiliated by a bunch of little girls. Please feel free to make fun of me."
Random Guy #1: Hey, it's the guy who tried to destroy the world with METEOR! Let's get him, fellas!
Random Guy #2: I want to kick his ribs!
Random Guy #3: I want to punch his face!
Random Guy #4: I want to rip out his hair!
Sephiroth: No! Not my hair! Anything but my hair!
After two fun-filled hours of patrolling the Gold Saucer with their little Sephiroth trophy, the girls got tired of hauling him around.
Terra: Sephiroth, you really need to lose some weight.
Sephiroth: I hardly think that I am fat.
Lucca: It's a shame that we had to do this to you. After all, you are kind of cute.
Everyone except Lucca: WHAT?
Lucca: Well, he is.
*****************************************************
Now we finally turn back to Celes, Locke, and Vincent . . . .
*****************************************************
Celes: Vincent! Find a way to save us!
Locke: While we are up here, I suppose I'll just start shooting more little targets.
Vincent: Don't worry, I have an idea! I'll be right back! **runs off**
Celes: Oh, he better hurry!
Vincent: **comes bursting in with a black Chocobo** I've convinced Joe to let me borrow his Black Chocobo, Teioh! I'll catch up to you somehow! **runs off at top speed**
Vincent: Some cowboy music would be really cool now.
Cowboy music starts playing.
Vincent: **takes out a rifle** Yee Haw!
Celes: Come on, this is not funny!
Vincent: Ok, I'll just make one shot. **fires a shot at the wall**
The bullet bounces off the wall, hits a rail switch to change the rails of the coaster, cuts off a lead weight off the ceiling that falls down the rails and bends it into a downwards hill, and also hits a sandbag, which spills over the rails to cause friction, slowing the cart to a halt along the rails.
Celes: Vincent! You did it!
Vincent: Did what? All I did was fire at random.
Celes: Um, never mind.
Ticket lady: Congradulations, Locke. You have the high score here!
Locke: All right!
Ticket lady: As a prize, you may have either a fierce and deadly battle spear, or this lovely pink umbrella.
Celes: Oh, I want that umbrella!
Ticket lady: Very well then, here you go.
Celes: Yay!
Vincent: Now we must find Aeris and the others.
Suddenly, Aeris and her little gang storms into the Speed square, carrying Sephiroth, who is still tied up.
Vincent: Ah, there you are! It's almost time to go!
Sephiroth: Yay!
Yuna: Shut up!
Marle: Don't make me send an arrow up your head and impale your brain.
Sephiroth: Don't worry, Hojo just told me that I have two brains.
Everyone: @_@
Sephiroth: What?
Vincent: Now all we need is Zell.
Zell: Hey, I heard that Sephiroth has just been beaten by a bunch of little girls. Is that true?
Sephiroth: Shut up, Chickenwuss!
Zell: That was not nice! Don't make me use my Final Heaven Limit!
Vincent: Ehem, let's just leave now.
Aeris: Hey girls, want to come with?
Lulu: No thanks, I think we shall stay here and relax a bit.
Garnet: I want to try Chocobo racing!
Terra: I want to go to Battle Square!
Lucca: I want to play the shooting game at Speed Square!
Yuna: I thought you wanted to stay with your boyfriend, Sephiroth!
Lucca: He is not my boyfriend! **pulls out WonderShot and fires**
WonderShot: **does 3 points of damage**
Lucca: Stupid &^%#%&^$#% ultimate weapon!
Everyone: **gasps**
Rinoa: Lucca pulled a Cid!
Aeris: Since when did you learn about Cid?
Rinoa: Since Cid Highwind showed up at the front door of the Gold Saucer, right now.
Cid: You &%^#$&%*^ Vincent! Come on and get your little &^$#&%* tourist group! We are *%%$&*&^ going back right now!
Vincent: Fine, let's go.
***********************
Outside, in the desert . . . .
***********************
Vincent: Amazing, we've already made it to our ship, and the Ruby Weapon still hasn't struck yet.
Ruby Weapon: Ha ha ha! I shall now destroy you all!
Sephiroth: You little weapon, you think you can destroy the great Sephiroth? I laugh at you! Ha ha ha!
Ruby Weapon: Quicksand!
Sephiroth: Oh no, I'm very, very slowly sinking in quicksand!
Ruby Weapon: Comet 2!
Sephiroth: Ow!
Ruby Weapon: Now I shall kill you all! Comet 2! On Cid!
Cid: You &*%%&$^&$^% Weapon! You shall pay for that!
Ruby Weapon: Ultima!
Locke: Hey, Ultima is suppose to be blue!
Ruby Weapon: No, it's green
Locke: No, it's blue.
Aeris: No, it's green.
Celes: No, it's blue.
Zell: No, it's green.
Locke: No, it's blue.
Vincent: No, it's green.
Celes: No, it's blue. Allow me to demonstrate! Ultima!
Ruby Weapon: You're right, it is blue.
Celes: See?
Ruby Weapon: It doesn't matter, cause I shall now destroy you all! Ultima!
Locke: Aaahhhhhhh!!! We're all dying!
Celes: Vincent, do something!
Vincent: Well, I could always call my manager.
Suddenly, I self-insert myself into the story!
Nexis (as Triad Card 844A): I'm in my own story with a part bigger than ever!
Celes: Then do something!
Nexis: I shall use my Limit Break, Shadow Rod!
Shadow Rod: **Does 24 points of damage**
Cid: What the ^$%^#&%&^$%& was that?
Nexis: Whoa, I need to build up my limits.
Ruby Weapon: Die! Ultima!
Everyone: Ow!
Celes: Well, there's only one thing left for me to do! I must use our only hope to stop the Ruby Weapon.
Vincent: Which is?
Celes: My little pink umbrella! **whacks Ruby Weapon with the Umbrella**
Ruby Weapon: Nnnnnnnnoooooooooo!!!!!!!! How could I be beaten by that little Umbrella!
Cid: How could that *^%%^$^#$^&%*% Umbrella beat the Ruby Weapon?
Aeris: Well, it is my most powerful weapon . . . .
Ruby Weapon: Everything is in a deadly shade of pink! I can't stand it! **dies**
Nexis: I wanted to be the hero!
Vincent: Tough luck, lets go.
Everyone leaves.
Sephiroth: Hey, what about me? I'm still stuck here in the quicksand!
Everyone ignore him.
Sephiroth: Um, guys?
Tumbleweed blows across.
Sephiroth: Oh, I'm so lonely.
***************
End of Episode 3
***************
That's it for the Gold Saucer Series. Stay tuned for the next episode of Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing!
Nexis: How did I get such a small part! I'm suppose to be the author!
Please Review!
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and so on.
Note: Now I shall start self-inserting myself into my story! Hey, self-insertion seems to be all the rage around here, so I thought "why not?". I will go by the name of Nexis Parallax, as I have spent so much time thinking of the perfect version of me if I were a Final Fantasy VII character. Here are my stats:
Name: Nexis Parallax
Weapon: Rod
Ultimate weapon and description: "Destiny's Call", a rod with a small sphere encrusted with thorns on top. It glows a different color with each element that I use.
Limits:
Lvl 1:
Shadow Rod: Simply does double the damage of my regular attack.
Time Eclipse: Cast haste on allies and slow on enemies.
Lvl 2:
Thunder's Gate: Lightning damage to all enemies.
Drain Light: Steal HP/MP.
Lvl 3:
Storm Vortex: Hits twice, once for Water damage and once for Lightning damage.
Prism Shards: Hits five times with non-elemental damage, then casts Reflect on all allies and enemies.
Lvl 4:
Rainbow Metamorphasis: Hits seven times, each time with a different element: Fire, Earth, Lightning, Poison, Ice, Water, and Wind, in that order.
Hope that didn't bore you. Now let's start the story!
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Episode 3: The Gold Saucer (Part 3)
********************************
When we last left our little "heroes", Aeris was swearing revenge on Sephiroth.
Aeris: I'm swearing revenge on Sephiroth!
Vincent: Yeah, that's great . . . .
Aeris: No seriously, I shall get him back so hard!
Vincent: Whatever . . . .
Zell: Precious hot dogs, come to me! (starts eating hot dogs)
Vincent: Zell, chew, then swallow.
Celes: Have you noticed that we have nearly no lines at all?
Locke: Hey, you're right! That's unfair!
Celes: Then let's go do something for a change so that the author has to write us in!
***********************
At the Speed Square . . . .
***********************
Locke: Yay, we get to do something for a change!
Ticket lady: Please enjoy the ride. Your goal is to go BANG BANG and make things go BOOM BOOM while going VROOM VROOM.
Celes: Ok, that was weird. Oh well, let's start the ride.
Locke: (with the gun) Wheeeeeee!!! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Celes: Oh gee, so typical of the male race.
Locke: Die UFO! Die Lava Rock! Die little balloon! Die guy who is operating the ride!
Celes: Um, Locke, if you just killed the man who is controlling the ride, then who will control the ride?
Locke: Good question.
Meanwhile, the dead operator slumps onto the "fast" button, sending the coaster into overdrive.
Locke and Celes: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vincent walks into Speed Square.
Vincent: Did I just hear someone scream?
Locke and Celes: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vincent: Hmmm, guess I did.
Locke: Help us!
Vincent: Gee, I wish I could, but how do you operate the coaster?
Celes: Try the off button!
Vincent: Let's see, which is the off button . . . .
Locke: It's the red one!
Vincent: Hmm, let's see. How about this one? **presses the red button**
Operating machine: The red button is currently broken. Please have a good day.
Vincent: Oh, now how am I suppose to stop the ride?
***********************************
Meanwhile, let's check in on Aeris . . . .
***********************************
Aeris: Now how should I get back at Sephiroth? Maybe I can just beat him up real badly. No, I should humiliate him instead! I've got just the plan! **pulls out cell phone and starts dialing** Hello?
Voice on phone: Oh, hi Aeris! What do you need today?
Aeris: Oh, nothing, I just need a little favor of our group today.
Voice on phone: What for?
Aeris: There is a certain jerk that I wish to have humiliated. I'm at the Gold Saucer right now. Can you come?
Voice on phone: No problem. We shall be there in one hour.
Aeris: Excellent. Everything goes according to plan . . . .
**********************
Now let's go to Zell . . . .
**********************
Zell: I'm eating hot dogs, I'm eating hot dogs, oh how I love to eat hot dogs . . . .
********************************************************
Um, never mind that. Now let's just see where Sephiroth is . . . .
********************************************************
Out in the desert . . . .
Sephiroth: That stupid spiky-haired idiot! To think that he defeated the great Sephiroth!
Sephiroth's Mind: That wouldn't be the first time . . . .
Sephiroth: Shut up! Who asked you?
Sephiroth's Mind: No one. I am just here to annoy you.
Sephiroth: Annoy this! **punches his head** Ow, that hurt!
Sephiroth's Mind: Ha ha! I shall haunt you forevermore!
Sephiroth: Oh yeah? We'll just see about that! Let's see if you can handle this!
Sephiroth's Mind: What are you doing?
Sephiroth: I'm thinking of all the most stupid thoughts I could come up with.
Sephiroth's Mind: And how is that going to hurt me?
Sephiroth: You'll see . . . .
Sephiroth's Mind: Ha, what do you think you could do to me? I - Ahhhh!!! What are you doing? I'm going to . . . . to . . . . to . . . . .
Sephiroth: There, all better?
Sephiroth's Mind: Uh . . . . Duh . . . . Huh . . . .
Sephiroth: Talk about a brain drain. Hey, if that's my mind, then why am I still sane?
Suddenly, Hojo comes flying down from the sky.
Hojo: Because you actually have two minds. One is JENOVA's, and the other is yours. The one that you've destroyed is the JEVOVA mind, now gone haywire because JENOVA was destroyed.
Sephiroth: Oh. But still, I am going to destroy you right now.
Hojo: (Darth Vader style) Sephiroth, I am your father.
Sephiroth: No duh! **The masamune flies from where it was left in the Gold Saucer and impales Hojo**
Hojo: You may have killed me, but I still have fourteen other clones out there, somewhere! **dies**
Sephiroth: Now was that just the most pointless peice of garbage you have ever read? **heads back to the Gold Saucer**
**************************
Back at the Gold Saucer . . . .
**************************
Sephiroth: Now that I have finally gotten back, I think that I shall go and fight a bit at the Battle Square. **goes to Battle Square**
Ticket lady: Welcome. You shall fight eight little pointless and incredibly easy battles. However, we shall inflict you with as many handicaps as we possibly can to make your process much harder and amazingly annoying.
Sephiroth: Hm, sounds like fun. **goes in**
Aeris: Hey, it's about time you've shown up! I've been waiting for half an hour here.
Sephiroth: Aeris, what are you doing here?
Aeris: I have come to finally get revenge for what you did yesterday at the opera!
Sephiroth: You wish! What is a little girl going to do to stop the all mighty Sephiroth? Not even an entire army of little girls are going to stop me!
Aeris: Funny you should mention that . . . .
Sephiroth: What?
Aeris: Oh girls, come out now . . . . .
********************************************************************************************************
What is it that Aeris is planning? Oh come on, you should have guessed it by now. Well, just stay tuned until after the commercial break!
********************************************************************************************************
(commercial 1)
Announcer: Hi, welcome to the home shopping network. Today we feature a beautiful hand-crafted sword called the "Ultima Weapon". And afterwards, we shall show you our other one-of-a-kind merchandise.
Hostess: That's right, Ted. We also have a lovely "Premium Heart" glove and a beautiful rod known as the "Princess Guard". Tune in at six o-clock today for more items, including the "Venus Gospel", "Death Penalty", "Limited Moon", and more!
Cloud: **breaks in** Hey you! Give us back our stuff!
Announcer: Um, just tune in and hopefully you'll see us with all of our body limbs attached.
Cloud: Oh, I'm afraid that won't happen. **chops off the Announcer's arm with the Heaven's Cloud sword**
Hostess: Ok, we are experiencing some technical difficulties. If you would excuse us for a moment.
Cloud: Excuse this! **impales the Hostess with the Ragnarok**
Cloud: Now this show is under my control! Who wants to buy this lovely "Atma Weapon" sword?
(commercial 2)
A Different Announcer: Have you always wanted to win it big at the Chocobo Races, but just couldn't do it?
Random Person: Well, not really . . . .
A Different Announcer: Well, you've come to the right place! At Bargain Bill's Chocobo Ranch, we offer many, many Chocobos for you to buy, ride, and win!
Random Person: But isn't it true that the chocobos around the ranch are all poor classed chocobos?
A Different Announcer: Why, no.
Random Person: But I've always heard that the chocobos around Mideel, Rocket Town, and Icicle Inn were much stronger.
A Different Announcer: Hey, kid, just stick to the script.
Random Person: But the world deserves to hear the truth!
A Different Announcer: Oh, just end the commercial now! We're losing a lot of good publicity!
(End of Commercial Break)
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Sephiroth: What, why did you bring all your little friends over here?
Aeris: Oh, these are just the members of my Sorceress' Guild. (author's note: remember, the commercial in Chapter 2?)
Aeris: There's Terra from FF VI, and over there is Rinoa of FF VIII, and there's also Garnet of FF IX, and here is Lucca and Marle from Chrono Trigger, and there's even Lulu and Yuna of FF X.
Sephiroth: And what do you plan to do to me.
Aeris: Oh, we just plan to beat you up and humiliate you in front of everyone.
Sephiroth: Oh really?
Terra: Yeah, we've heard a lot about you, Sephiroth. Is it true that you stab defenseless girls in the back while they are praying?
Sephiroth: Do I ever!
Terra: Well, in that case . . . . **draws out Atma Weapon**
Rinoa: Yes, I agree. **takes out Shooting Star**
Sephiroth: Hey, just because I stabbed Aeris doesn't mean that I will stab you all as well.
Aeris: Please! What a totally rediculous argument! **pulls out Princess Guard**
Sephiroth: You know, you're just wasting time pulling out all of your weapons one by one.
Lulu: He's right! We should all just attack him right now! **starts hitting Sephiroth with a Cactaur doll**
Sephiroth: Hey, that hurts! Those thorns are sharp!
Lulu: Oh come on, those thorns are made of rubber!
Sephiroth: But their all so pointy . . . .
Garnet: You mean as opposed to your pointless life before our hands?
Sephiroth: I'm not afraid of a bunch of little sissies!
Yuna: Oh dear, that means that we will have to do something quite unpleseant to you.
Marle: Let's get' em, girls!
********************
Half an hour later . . . .
********************
Sephiroth is now completely bruised and beaten, and is now tied onto a pole and being carried around the Gold Saucer by the Sorceress' Guild. A huge sign hangs above him that says, "I, the great Sephiroth, have been beaten and humiliated by a bunch of little girls. Please feel free to make fun of me."
Random Guy #1: Hey, it's the guy who tried to destroy the world with METEOR! Let's get him, fellas!
Random Guy #2: I want to kick his ribs!
Random Guy #3: I want to punch his face!
Random Guy #4: I want to rip out his hair!
Sephiroth: No! Not my hair! Anything but my hair!
After two fun-filled hours of patrolling the Gold Saucer with their little Sephiroth trophy, the girls got tired of hauling him around.
Terra: Sephiroth, you really need to lose some weight.
Sephiroth: I hardly think that I am fat.
Lucca: It's a shame that we had to do this to you. After all, you are kind of cute.
Everyone except Lucca: WHAT?
Lucca: Well, he is.
*****************************************************
Now we finally turn back to Celes, Locke, and Vincent . . . .
*****************************************************
Celes: Vincent! Find a way to save us!
Locke: While we are up here, I suppose I'll just start shooting more little targets.
Vincent: Don't worry, I have an idea! I'll be right back! **runs off**
Celes: Oh, he better hurry!
Vincent: **comes bursting in with a black Chocobo** I've convinced Joe to let me borrow his Black Chocobo, Teioh! I'll catch up to you somehow! **runs off at top speed**
Vincent: Some cowboy music would be really cool now.
Cowboy music starts playing.
Vincent: **takes out a rifle** Yee Haw!
Celes: Come on, this is not funny!
Vincent: Ok, I'll just make one shot. **fires a shot at the wall**
The bullet bounces off the wall, hits a rail switch to change the rails of the coaster, cuts off a lead weight off the ceiling that falls down the rails and bends it into a downwards hill, and also hits a sandbag, which spills over the rails to cause friction, slowing the cart to a halt along the rails.
Celes: Vincent! You did it!
Vincent: Did what? All I did was fire at random.
Celes: Um, never mind.
Ticket lady: Congradulations, Locke. You have the high score here!
Locke: All right!
Ticket lady: As a prize, you may have either a fierce and deadly battle spear, or this lovely pink umbrella.
Celes: Oh, I want that umbrella!
Ticket lady: Very well then, here you go.
Celes: Yay!
Vincent: Now we must find Aeris and the others.
Suddenly, Aeris and her little gang storms into the Speed square, carrying Sephiroth, who is still tied up.
Vincent: Ah, there you are! It's almost time to go!
Sephiroth: Yay!
Yuna: Shut up!
Marle: Don't make me send an arrow up your head and impale your brain.
Sephiroth: Don't worry, Hojo just told me that I have two brains.
Everyone: @_@
Sephiroth: What?
Vincent: Now all we need is Zell.
Zell: Hey, I heard that Sephiroth has just been beaten by a bunch of little girls. Is that true?
Sephiroth: Shut up, Chickenwuss!
Zell: That was not nice! Don't make me use my Final Heaven Limit!
Vincent: Ehem, let's just leave now.
Aeris: Hey girls, want to come with?
Lulu: No thanks, I think we shall stay here and relax a bit.
Garnet: I want to try Chocobo racing!
Terra: I want to go to Battle Square!
Lucca: I want to play the shooting game at Speed Square!
Yuna: I thought you wanted to stay with your boyfriend, Sephiroth!
Lucca: He is not my boyfriend! **pulls out WonderShot and fires**
WonderShot: **does 3 points of damage**
Lucca: Stupid &^%#%&^$#% ultimate weapon!
Everyone: **gasps**
Rinoa: Lucca pulled a Cid!
Aeris: Since when did you learn about Cid?
Rinoa: Since Cid Highwind showed up at the front door of the Gold Saucer, right now.
Cid: You &%^#$&%*^ Vincent! Come on and get your little &^$#&%* tourist group! We are *%%$&*&^ going back right now!
Vincent: Fine, let's go.
***********************
Outside, in the desert . . . .
***********************
Vincent: Amazing, we've already made it to our ship, and the Ruby Weapon still hasn't struck yet.
Ruby Weapon: Ha ha ha! I shall now destroy you all!
Sephiroth: You little weapon, you think you can destroy the great Sephiroth? I laugh at you! Ha ha ha!
Ruby Weapon: Quicksand!
Sephiroth: Oh no, I'm very, very slowly sinking in quicksand!
Ruby Weapon: Comet 2!
Sephiroth: Ow!
Ruby Weapon: Now I shall kill you all! Comet 2! On Cid!
Cid: You &*%%&$^&$^% Weapon! You shall pay for that!
Ruby Weapon: Ultima!
Locke: Hey, Ultima is suppose to be blue!
Ruby Weapon: No, it's green
Locke: No, it's blue.
Aeris: No, it's green.
Celes: No, it's blue.
Zell: No, it's green.
Locke: No, it's blue.
Vincent: No, it's green.
Celes: No, it's blue. Allow me to demonstrate! Ultima!
Ruby Weapon: You're right, it is blue.
Celes: See?
Ruby Weapon: It doesn't matter, cause I shall now destroy you all! Ultima!
Locke: Aaahhhhhhh!!! We're all dying!
Celes: Vincent, do something!
Vincent: Well, I could always call my manager.
Suddenly, I self-insert myself into the story!
Nexis (as Triad Card 844A): I'm in my own story with a part bigger than ever!
Celes: Then do something!
Nexis: I shall use my Limit Break, Shadow Rod!
Shadow Rod: **Does 24 points of damage**
Cid: What the ^$%^#&%&^$%& was that?
Nexis: Whoa, I need to build up my limits.
Ruby Weapon: Die! Ultima!
Everyone: Ow!
Celes: Well, there's only one thing left for me to do! I must use our only hope to stop the Ruby Weapon.
Vincent: Which is?
Celes: My little pink umbrella! **whacks Ruby Weapon with the Umbrella**
Ruby Weapon: Nnnnnnnnoooooooooo!!!!!!!! How could I be beaten by that little Umbrella!
Cid: How could that *^%%^$^#$^&%*% Umbrella beat the Ruby Weapon?
Aeris: Well, it is my most powerful weapon . . . .
Ruby Weapon: Everything is in a deadly shade of pink! I can't stand it! **dies**
Nexis: I wanted to be the hero!
Vincent: Tough luck, lets go.
Everyone leaves.
Sephiroth: Hey, what about me? I'm still stuck here in the quicksand!
Everyone ignore him.
Sephiroth: Um, guys?
Tumbleweed blows across.
Sephiroth: Oh, I'm so lonely.
***************
End of Episode 3
***************
That's it for the Gold Saucer Series. Stay tuned for the next episode of Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing!
Nexis: How did I get such a small part! I'm suppose to be the author!
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