Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing
Disclaimer: For all those who think that I own Final Fantasy: No, I don't! Wow, what a huge surprise!
Note: Now I shall try to add FF IX into the fray. I still haven't played the game yet, but I have read a lot of stories about it lately, and read about half a dozen guides on it as well. I think I'm prepared.
*****************************************************
Episode 4: Witch Burnings on the Esthar Continent
*****************************************************
Vincent: Hello. I am Vincent Valentine, the vampire guy from FF VII. Today, I am going to take my tourists on a trip to Esthar, of FF VIII. Let's meet our guests!
Mysterious Announcer: Whaa haa haa haa! Today, we have a fortune-telling robotic cat and a moogle, a double agent who is so confusing and annoying that many, like the author, prefer to have him shot to death than use him for battle. Please welcome Cait Sith!
Cait Sith: Yeah? Well, your fortune today is looking really bad right now, you announcer!
Mysterious Announcer: I'm sorry, but I don't have time for little crystal balls right now. Anyway, our next guest is a retired Sorceress's Knight who tried to bring about his "romantic dream", here is Seifer Almasy!
Seifer: Hey, Chickenwuss, if you're out there, just look at me insult you on public fanfiction!
Zell: Hey Seifer, I'm right here! And I've got a cold, hard fist with you're name on it!
Seifer: Yeah, sure, Chickenwuss! Do you still cry to your mommy?
Zell: What is it with the stupid name-calling? First you, the Sephiroth, then you again! Just shut up!
Seifer: Aww, is little Chickenwuss gonna cry?
Zell: That's it! My Final Heaven! **creates huge nuclear explosion**
Seifer: Ouch! Well, I guess the Chickenwuss is pretty scrappy!
Mysterious Announcer: Zell, will you please leave the stage? I've still got more people to introduce!
Zell: Fine! **leaves area**
Mysterious Announcer: Ok, so our next two guests are a couple from Alexandria and are the soon-to-be rulers of the kingdom, the boy and girl that defeated the infamous cross-dressing mage, here are Zidane and Garnet!
Zidane: It feels good to be on vacation for the first time in so many years.
Garnet: Some people consider our little journey to be a vacation, you know.
Zidane: No way. During a vacation, one does not have to dodge fire spells and defeat dragons . . . .
Garnet: Don't forget about those annoying Yans.
Zidane: Oh yeah, who could forget the Yans?
Mysterious Announcer: And finally, our last guest is the king of Figaro Castle, who helped his friends defeat yet another cross-dressing mage, a man renowned for his technological genius and his womanizing alike, here is Edgar Roni Figaro!
Edgar: Hi everybody! If you need technological advice and equipment, call this number! **holds up phone number for Figaro Development Inc.** But if you're a young woman, call this number! **holds up private phone number**
Zidane: You know, we have a guy in our game named Cid. You'd get along just fine with him.
Vincent: Excellent. Now that we have everyone here, let's go on our trip. Today we shall take the Ragnarok airship, the most advanced airship in any Final Fantasy game! It's got grappling arms and side-mounted machine guns and even a front-mounted laser cannon!
Mysterious Announcer: That's right! And now, let's meet our pilot, Selphie Tilmit!
Selphie: Hi everybody!!!!!!
Everyone: **covers ears in response to such a loud noise**
Vincent: Due to the . . . er . . . noise difficulties of the trip, we shall issue earmuffs for everyone.
****************************
Two hours later, at Esthar . . . .
****************************
Seifer: Wow, we were lucky to have survived with our hearing intact.
Zidane: What?
Seifer: I said, we were lucky to have our hearing intact!
Zidane: Why would I want a tic tac?
Seifer: Never mind.
Vincent: Here we are at the great Esthar capital city. You may wander around this city of high technology. Feel free to visit the shops, try out the lifts, and disturb any delicate experiments being performed.
Edgar: I want to go to the book store! I heard they have a large selection of Weapons Monthly magazines.
Seifer: Yes. You know, why did my Hyperion never make it into one of those issues?
Edgar: Sorry, but the Lionheart was still a better model.
Seifer: Oh come on, you don't really mean that!
Edgar: I do! The Lionheart is a very rare weapon indeed! The blade is sharpened with lasers to exact specifications, so that the razor-thin edge can cut through practically anything. The Pulse Ammo used to load it transfers energy throughout the blade, causing surges of energy to burst through the blade upon contact. And the trigger system has been refined to -
Seifer: Oh shut up, you dolt!
Edgar: Sir, that is an insult to my honor! I challenge you to a duel!
Seifer: Very well then! I'll show you my Hyperion's strength!
Vincent: Hey, guys? Could you please break it up? We have a city to see.
Garnet: Come on, Zidane, let's go on a ride around the city in one of those lifts!
Zidane: Why not? It's no fun hanging around here waiting for those two to stop bickering.
Cait Sith: I shall go to the Presidential Palace and hand out fortunes there!
Seifer: Well, I'll go check out the Odine Laboratory. I heard of a magical Force Armlet there that grants the user a mysterious, unknown power! I want to stea - I mean, admire it.
Vincent: Great! We all know what we are to do. Now, I think I shall make a reservation for the space trip tomorrow.
*******************************************************
On those lift thing-a-ma-giggies that surround Esthar City . . . .
*******************************************************
Garnet: Oh Zidane, this is such a good view of the city!
Zidane: Yeah! Look! There's a really cool machine being presented on that walkway over there!
Garnet: Hey, isn't that Edgar standing in front of it?
Zidane: Could be . . . . Hard to tell from this distance.
Garnet: Hey, it's Cait Sith in front of the presidential building!
Zidane: Look! Cait Sith is turning our way! It looks like he is running towards us!
Garnet: Let's wave to him!
Both: **waves**
Garnet: Why isn't he waving back?
Zidane: Hey, there sure are an awful lot of people chasing him . . . . .
Both: **stares at Cait Sith**
Garnet: I never knew that Moogle could run so fast with such small legs.
********************************************
Meanwhile, down on the road with Cait Sith . . . .
********************************************
Cait Sith: Look, I'm sorry that my fortunes were so true! How was I suppose to know that the guy who drew the slot that said, "you shall pass away soon" was going to get hit by a car in two minutes?
Man in crowd: You evil little devil cat! You shall die for your witchcraft!
Cait Sith: Gee, for a town with such advanced technology, you'd think that they would have evolved beyond superstitions.
Woman in crowd: Burn him at the stake!
****************************
Back to Zidane and Garnet . . . .
****************************
Zidane: Hey look! It's Seifer! And he's got some sort of armlet!
Garnet: Check out how he is flinging everyone around with some sort of telekinesis power!
*******************
Where Seifer is . . . .
*******************
Seifer: Ha ha ha ha! I now have the force armlet, and now I command the Force! Now, all I need is a light saber!
**************************
Zidane and Garnet again . . . .
**************************
Zidane: Let's get off here. It seems like Cait Sith is in trouble.
Garnet: Here he come right now.
Cait Sith: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!
Man in crowd: Destroy the black cat!
Crowd: **circles around Cait Sith and stabs him with pitchforks**
Garnet: Hey, stop right now!
Zidane: Back off, or you'll start feeling cold steel on your throat!
Crowd: **backs off**
Garnet: Cait Sith, are you hurt?
Cait Sith: I can't feel my tail . . . .
Garnet: Here. **casts Curaga**
Man in crowd: She's a witch! Burn her!
Woman in crowd: Send her to the pit from wence she came!
Crowd: **starts advancing with pitchforks again**
Garnet: Eeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!
Zidane: Get out, all of you! **draws out Ultima Weapon**
Crowd: He must be the Sorceress's Knight!
Zidane: What?
Crowd: Destory him too!
Crowd: **Attacks Zidane, Garnet, and Cait Sith**
Zidane: Die, all of you! You dare hurt the Queen of Alexandria? Grand Lethal!
Edgar: **runs up to them** That's not how you defend a woman! **pulls out Chain Saw and starts hacking away**
Seifer: **flies up using the Force** I believe I shall take this win! I shall use the Force to blow these people away!
Crowd: Run! It's Luke Skywalker!
Seifer: Huh? My name is Seifer Almasy!
Crowd: Hey, he was the former Sorceress's Knight that attack Esthar with the Lunatic Pandora! Destroy him as well!
Seifer: You are no match for me! I have the Force on my side! **blows people away**
Crowd: We're blasting off again! **does the little star-in-the-background exit**
Zidane: Whew. They're gone.
Garnet: Why did they want to hurt me?
Seifer: This town is very hostile towards Sorceresses, every since it was taken over by one, then almost destroyed by another.
Edgar: Come on, Zidane, you call that defending your woman?
Zidane: Hey, careful! You're talking to the #1 player in all of Gaia!
Edgar: You can't even get a girl if you were Orlando Bloom! (did I spell it right?)
Zidane: Why you! You have insulted my honor! I challenge you to a duel!
********************************************************************************************************
What will happen now that Zidane and Edgar are about to duel? Stay tuned after this commercial break!
********************************************************************************************************
(commercial 1)
Announcer: Coming to a theater near you, it's "Harry Potter and the Black Materia"! What happens when a crazed Sephiroth and Voldemort summons the METEOR to destroy Hogwarts? This movie has action!
Sephiroth: I shall slice you to bits, you four-eyed kid!
Harry: I shall fight you with the power of the broomstick! **holds up the Firebolt**
Both: **inact the swordfight in the beginning of FF VIII**
Announcer: It's got comedy!
Sephiroth: At last, I've got the Black Materia to summon the METEOR with!
Voldemort: Um, that's just a piece of coal from the campfire. See, it's still smoking and droping ashes on the floor.
Sephiroth: Oh, you're right.
Announcer: It's got drama!
Hermione: **praying**
Sephiroth: **drops down and stabs Hermione, a la Aeris in FF VII**
Harry: Nnnnooooooo!!!!!!!
Announcer: Harry Potter and the Black Materia! In theaters everywhere April 1st!
(commercial 2)
Squall: What is the Force, sir?
Cid Kramer: It is the Force that binds together all living things. It keeps the dark side and the light side.
Squall: Can I use it to blow stuff up?
Cid: Sure!
Announcer: On May 12, come experience the wonder!
Ultimecia: I shall use my Death Sphere to destroy the SeeD base! Kurse all SeeDs! SeeDs kannot be allowed to kontinue their krusade against Sorceresses! Zorn! Thorn! Get my TIE fighter ready!
Zorn: Yes, we shall do so!
Thorn: We shall do so, yes!
Announcer: A tale of action and adventure, it's Star Lores: A New Hope! Balamb Garden is under attack from the evil federation led by Darth Utimecia! Coming this May!
(end of commercial break)
********************************************************************************************************
When we last left, Edgar and Zidane were about to fight a duel.
Edgar: A duel? Sure!
Cait Sith: **grabs a microphone** Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Battle of the Players! In this corner, we have the ladies man of FF IX, the soon-to-be King of Alexandria, the boy with the weirdo tail, here is Zidane Tribal! And over here in this corner, the ladies man of FF VI, the King of Figaro, genius mechanic and technician, here is Edgar Roni Figaro!
**Vincent, Selphie, and Irvine land nearby in the Ragnarok**
Irvine: Hey, how come I wasn't invited to this? I'm suppose to be the player of FF VIII!
Selphie: Oh, shut up Irvine!!!!! You've got me, don't you?!!!!!!
Irvine: Not so loud, Selphie!
Vincent: I, for one, would really like to see how this turns out!
Zidane: Before the duel starts, I'd like to dedicate this match to Garnet here.
Garnet: How romantic! But still, I don't really approve of the whole "player" thing.
Zidane: We'll talk later.
Cait Sith: It's settled! Let's begin the competition!
Vincent: Wait! We're out of time in this episode! Join us next time for the Battle of the Players!
****************
End of Episode 4
****************
So, who will win the Battle of the Players? Will it be Zidane? Or will it be Edgar? Oh, it's so hard to decide! They're both high up on the list of my favorite characters! Oh well, just wait till the next chapter!
Disclaimer: For all those who think that I own Final Fantasy: No, I don't! Wow, what a huge surprise!
Note: Now I shall try to add FF IX into the fray. I still haven't played the game yet, but I have read a lot of stories about it lately, and read about half a dozen guides on it as well. I think I'm prepared.
*****************************************************
Episode 4: Witch Burnings on the Esthar Continent
*****************************************************
Vincent: Hello. I am Vincent Valentine, the vampire guy from FF VII. Today, I am going to take my tourists on a trip to Esthar, of FF VIII. Let's meet our guests!
Mysterious Announcer: Whaa haa haa haa! Today, we have a fortune-telling robotic cat and a moogle, a double agent who is so confusing and annoying that many, like the author, prefer to have him shot to death than use him for battle. Please welcome Cait Sith!
Cait Sith: Yeah? Well, your fortune today is looking really bad right now, you announcer!
Mysterious Announcer: I'm sorry, but I don't have time for little crystal balls right now. Anyway, our next guest is a retired Sorceress's Knight who tried to bring about his "romantic dream", here is Seifer Almasy!
Seifer: Hey, Chickenwuss, if you're out there, just look at me insult you on public fanfiction!
Zell: Hey Seifer, I'm right here! And I've got a cold, hard fist with you're name on it!
Seifer: Yeah, sure, Chickenwuss! Do you still cry to your mommy?
Zell: What is it with the stupid name-calling? First you, the Sephiroth, then you again! Just shut up!
Seifer: Aww, is little Chickenwuss gonna cry?
Zell: That's it! My Final Heaven! **creates huge nuclear explosion**
Seifer: Ouch! Well, I guess the Chickenwuss is pretty scrappy!
Mysterious Announcer: Zell, will you please leave the stage? I've still got more people to introduce!
Zell: Fine! **leaves area**
Mysterious Announcer: Ok, so our next two guests are a couple from Alexandria and are the soon-to-be rulers of the kingdom, the boy and girl that defeated the infamous cross-dressing mage, here are Zidane and Garnet!
Zidane: It feels good to be on vacation for the first time in so many years.
Garnet: Some people consider our little journey to be a vacation, you know.
Zidane: No way. During a vacation, one does not have to dodge fire spells and defeat dragons . . . .
Garnet: Don't forget about those annoying Yans.
Zidane: Oh yeah, who could forget the Yans?
Mysterious Announcer: And finally, our last guest is the king of Figaro Castle, who helped his friends defeat yet another cross-dressing mage, a man renowned for his technological genius and his womanizing alike, here is Edgar Roni Figaro!
Edgar: Hi everybody! If you need technological advice and equipment, call this number! **holds up phone number for Figaro Development Inc.** But if you're a young woman, call this number! **holds up private phone number**
Zidane: You know, we have a guy in our game named Cid. You'd get along just fine with him.
Vincent: Excellent. Now that we have everyone here, let's go on our trip. Today we shall take the Ragnarok airship, the most advanced airship in any Final Fantasy game! It's got grappling arms and side-mounted machine guns and even a front-mounted laser cannon!
Mysterious Announcer: That's right! And now, let's meet our pilot, Selphie Tilmit!
Selphie: Hi everybody!!!!!!
Everyone: **covers ears in response to such a loud noise**
Vincent: Due to the . . . er . . . noise difficulties of the trip, we shall issue earmuffs for everyone.
****************************
Two hours later, at Esthar . . . .
****************************
Seifer: Wow, we were lucky to have survived with our hearing intact.
Zidane: What?
Seifer: I said, we were lucky to have our hearing intact!
Zidane: Why would I want a tic tac?
Seifer: Never mind.
Vincent: Here we are at the great Esthar capital city. You may wander around this city of high technology. Feel free to visit the shops, try out the lifts, and disturb any delicate experiments being performed.
Edgar: I want to go to the book store! I heard they have a large selection of Weapons Monthly magazines.
Seifer: Yes. You know, why did my Hyperion never make it into one of those issues?
Edgar: Sorry, but the Lionheart was still a better model.
Seifer: Oh come on, you don't really mean that!
Edgar: I do! The Lionheart is a very rare weapon indeed! The blade is sharpened with lasers to exact specifications, so that the razor-thin edge can cut through practically anything. The Pulse Ammo used to load it transfers energy throughout the blade, causing surges of energy to burst through the blade upon contact. And the trigger system has been refined to -
Seifer: Oh shut up, you dolt!
Edgar: Sir, that is an insult to my honor! I challenge you to a duel!
Seifer: Very well then! I'll show you my Hyperion's strength!
Vincent: Hey, guys? Could you please break it up? We have a city to see.
Garnet: Come on, Zidane, let's go on a ride around the city in one of those lifts!
Zidane: Why not? It's no fun hanging around here waiting for those two to stop bickering.
Cait Sith: I shall go to the Presidential Palace and hand out fortunes there!
Seifer: Well, I'll go check out the Odine Laboratory. I heard of a magical Force Armlet there that grants the user a mysterious, unknown power! I want to stea - I mean, admire it.
Vincent: Great! We all know what we are to do. Now, I think I shall make a reservation for the space trip tomorrow.
*******************************************************
On those lift thing-a-ma-giggies that surround Esthar City . . . .
*******************************************************
Garnet: Oh Zidane, this is such a good view of the city!
Zidane: Yeah! Look! There's a really cool machine being presented on that walkway over there!
Garnet: Hey, isn't that Edgar standing in front of it?
Zidane: Could be . . . . Hard to tell from this distance.
Garnet: Hey, it's Cait Sith in front of the presidential building!
Zidane: Look! Cait Sith is turning our way! It looks like he is running towards us!
Garnet: Let's wave to him!
Both: **waves**
Garnet: Why isn't he waving back?
Zidane: Hey, there sure are an awful lot of people chasing him . . . . .
Both: **stares at Cait Sith**
Garnet: I never knew that Moogle could run so fast with such small legs.
********************************************
Meanwhile, down on the road with Cait Sith . . . .
********************************************
Cait Sith: Look, I'm sorry that my fortunes were so true! How was I suppose to know that the guy who drew the slot that said, "you shall pass away soon" was going to get hit by a car in two minutes?
Man in crowd: You evil little devil cat! You shall die for your witchcraft!
Cait Sith: Gee, for a town with such advanced technology, you'd think that they would have evolved beyond superstitions.
Woman in crowd: Burn him at the stake!
****************************
Back to Zidane and Garnet . . . .
****************************
Zidane: Hey look! It's Seifer! And he's got some sort of armlet!
Garnet: Check out how he is flinging everyone around with some sort of telekinesis power!
*******************
Where Seifer is . . . .
*******************
Seifer: Ha ha ha ha! I now have the force armlet, and now I command the Force! Now, all I need is a light saber!
**************************
Zidane and Garnet again . . . .
**************************
Zidane: Let's get off here. It seems like Cait Sith is in trouble.
Garnet: Here he come right now.
Cait Sith: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!
Man in crowd: Destroy the black cat!
Crowd: **circles around Cait Sith and stabs him with pitchforks**
Garnet: Hey, stop right now!
Zidane: Back off, or you'll start feeling cold steel on your throat!
Crowd: **backs off**
Garnet: Cait Sith, are you hurt?
Cait Sith: I can't feel my tail . . . .
Garnet: Here. **casts Curaga**
Man in crowd: She's a witch! Burn her!
Woman in crowd: Send her to the pit from wence she came!
Crowd: **starts advancing with pitchforks again**
Garnet: Eeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!
Zidane: Get out, all of you! **draws out Ultima Weapon**
Crowd: He must be the Sorceress's Knight!
Zidane: What?
Crowd: Destory him too!
Crowd: **Attacks Zidane, Garnet, and Cait Sith**
Zidane: Die, all of you! You dare hurt the Queen of Alexandria? Grand Lethal!
Edgar: **runs up to them** That's not how you defend a woman! **pulls out Chain Saw and starts hacking away**
Seifer: **flies up using the Force** I believe I shall take this win! I shall use the Force to blow these people away!
Crowd: Run! It's Luke Skywalker!
Seifer: Huh? My name is Seifer Almasy!
Crowd: Hey, he was the former Sorceress's Knight that attack Esthar with the Lunatic Pandora! Destroy him as well!
Seifer: You are no match for me! I have the Force on my side! **blows people away**
Crowd: We're blasting off again! **does the little star-in-the-background exit**
Zidane: Whew. They're gone.
Garnet: Why did they want to hurt me?
Seifer: This town is very hostile towards Sorceresses, every since it was taken over by one, then almost destroyed by another.
Edgar: Come on, Zidane, you call that defending your woman?
Zidane: Hey, careful! You're talking to the #1 player in all of Gaia!
Edgar: You can't even get a girl if you were Orlando Bloom! (did I spell it right?)
Zidane: Why you! You have insulted my honor! I challenge you to a duel!
********************************************************************************************************
What will happen now that Zidane and Edgar are about to duel? Stay tuned after this commercial break!
********************************************************************************************************
(commercial 1)
Announcer: Coming to a theater near you, it's "Harry Potter and the Black Materia"! What happens when a crazed Sephiroth and Voldemort summons the METEOR to destroy Hogwarts? This movie has action!
Sephiroth: I shall slice you to bits, you four-eyed kid!
Harry: I shall fight you with the power of the broomstick! **holds up the Firebolt**
Both: **inact the swordfight in the beginning of FF VIII**
Announcer: It's got comedy!
Sephiroth: At last, I've got the Black Materia to summon the METEOR with!
Voldemort: Um, that's just a piece of coal from the campfire. See, it's still smoking and droping ashes on the floor.
Sephiroth: Oh, you're right.
Announcer: It's got drama!
Hermione: **praying**
Sephiroth: **drops down and stabs Hermione, a la Aeris in FF VII**
Harry: Nnnnooooooo!!!!!!!
Announcer: Harry Potter and the Black Materia! In theaters everywhere April 1st!
(commercial 2)
Squall: What is the Force, sir?
Cid Kramer: It is the Force that binds together all living things. It keeps the dark side and the light side.
Squall: Can I use it to blow stuff up?
Cid: Sure!
Announcer: On May 12, come experience the wonder!
Ultimecia: I shall use my Death Sphere to destroy the SeeD base! Kurse all SeeDs! SeeDs kannot be allowed to kontinue their krusade against Sorceresses! Zorn! Thorn! Get my TIE fighter ready!
Zorn: Yes, we shall do so!
Thorn: We shall do so, yes!
Announcer: A tale of action and adventure, it's Star Lores: A New Hope! Balamb Garden is under attack from the evil federation led by Darth Utimecia! Coming this May!
(end of commercial break)
********************************************************************************************************
When we last left, Edgar and Zidane were about to fight a duel.
Edgar: A duel? Sure!
Cait Sith: **grabs a microphone** Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Battle of the Players! In this corner, we have the ladies man of FF IX, the soon-to-be King of Alexandria, the boy with the weirdo tail, here is Zidane Tribal! And over here in this corner, the ladies man of FF VI, the King of Figaro, genius mechanic and technician, here is Edgar Roni Figaro!
**Vincent, Selphie, and Irvine land nearby in the Ragnarok**
Irvine: Hey, how come I wasn't invited to this? I'm suppose to be the player of FF VIII!
Selphie: Oh, shut up Irvine!!!!! You've got me, don't you?!!!!!!
Irvine: Not so loud, Selphie!
Vincent: I, for one, would really like to see how this turns out!
Zidane: Before the duel starts, I'd like to dedicate this match to Garnet here.
Garnet: How romantic! But still, I don't really approve of the whole "player" thing.
Zidane: We'll talk later.
Cait Sith: It's settled! Let's begin the competition!
Vincent: Wait! We're out of time in this episode! Join us next time for the Battle of the Players!
****************
End of Episode 4
****************
So, who will win the Battle of the Players? Will it be Zidane? Or will it be Edgar? Oh, it's so hard to decide! They're both high up on the list of my favorite characters! Oh well, just wait till the next chapter!