Urban Legends Are Parodies Too (part 4)
an MST3K of
Urban Legends
by sinecure
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Speaking of bathrooms," Xander said, jumping to his feet, "I have to use one. Be right back." He quickly left the front room, heading toward his bedroom, and the bathroom within.
After taking care of business, he was headed back down the hall with a stack of comic books when he noticed Spike's bedroom door open. Curiosity was never something he was able to keep a good handle on, so when an opportunity such as this one presented itself... well, he was bound to take it.
He looked up and down the hall, checking to make sure no one was in the hall, and able to witness his covert peeking in of Spike's room. No one was, so he quickly pushed the door open further and looked inside. Seemed normal enough. Bed, dreser, window, full bookshelf... that was weird. Spike was a reader? Hmm. A door, a coatrack, a stack of books on the--
Door? Holy crap. There was a door between Willow and Spike's rooms! Why? How? Why? This called for some serious cussing. Shit!
"Her name is Tara. I met her in that extremely lame wicca class--" Willow looked up from her conversation with Buffy and Spike when Xander came running through the door, dropping comic books with every step. "What's wrong?"
"A door. Why?" Xander asked intently. The others just stared at him in confusion.
"There's another door?" Buffy asked, then shrugged. "Oh, well, I'm sure it doesn't lead anywhere except to a ballroom or something.
"No," Xander told her, "I mean in Spike's room."
Spike glared at Xander. "You were in my room? Who the hell gave you the right?"
"Goes straight to Willow's room," Xander continued, talking only to Buffy now. "There's no door between our rooms, why is there one between theirs?
Spike grinned, taking a drag off his cigarette. "Jealous?"
Xander looked at Spike incomprehendingly. "What?" He absolutely didn't understand what Spike was asking him. "I don't-- no. Why is there a door there?" He turned to Willow, not caring who answered anymore, just so long as someone did, and soon.
Willow stood up long enough to frown at him, then sat back down again. "You guys don't have a door between your rooms? I thought you did, I just assumed... well, why do we?" She turned to Spike, as if he had all the answers.
Spike shrugged, not looking too caring. "Who knows? Maybe whoever put us in here wants me to kill you in the middle of the night--" seeing her horrified look, he had to laugh. "I'm kidding, Witch. They'll probably get one later, or something... I don't know." No one looked satisfied with his answer, so he sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Does anything in this place make sense?" he asked in exasperation.
Buffy shook her head, frowning as she looked around the clean white room. "He's right. Nothing here makes sense, so we can't exactly blame anyone for anything... except the Host, and he/she's not exactly showing... itself."
Spike and Willow nodded in agreement, and after a moment, Xander nodded as well, then sat in his chair. The others stood there staring at each other, then followed Xander's example, and sat. "Looks like we've got movie sign," Xander said with a chuckle. The others turned confused looks his way. "You know, that Mystery Science Theater 3000 thing?" They still looked blank, so he shrugged. "Nevermind."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
EXT. NATALIE'S DORM
BUFFY: I'm tired of being here. Let's go somewhere else... like the lounge area thingy. Or the radio station.
Natalie walks through the arched passageway to her dorm.
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
Tosh enters the room, closing the door behind her. She walks over to the computer and sits down. She looks at the screen, confused.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) Huh? Why is there smashed watermelon all over the screen? And, where'd that sledgehammer come from? Oh, no... oh, God. Not...
OTHERS: Gallagher! Ruuuuuuuuuuun!
CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Underneath Tosh's question is the word:Yours.
SPIKE: Told you.
BUFFY: Well, gosh, Spike, you're the most brilliant vampire in this room. I'm proud of you!
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Eat me, Slayer.
BUFFY: Bite me, Vampire.
NORMAL VIEW
Tosh is bewildered by this.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) What? Huh? How can this be? I don't get it.
Before she has a chance to do anything, a hand wraps around her mouth!
BUFFY: Oh, my God, not her mouth! Anything but her mouth!
Tosh tries to scream. The killer throws Tosh onto the bed and gets on top of her.
SPIKE: Naughty killer. Copping a feel during a kill... not like I've never done it, but I'm a vampire, evil and all that. I'm supposed to do things like that.
WILLOW: Ew, you've copped a feel while killing someone? That's sick, Spike.
BUFFY: Ever try it with me, and I'll--
SPIKE: No worries there, Slayer. Why would I want to touch you in any way other than to kill you?
BUFFY: Hey! I'm actually offended by that.
WILLOW: Um, Buffy?
BUFFY: I know, I know.
With one hand covering her mouth and the other strangling her, Tosh tries to scream out. She gets the killer's hand off her mouth and screams before the killer clamps his hand over her mouth again.
INT. HALLWAY
Natalie walks down the hall to her room. A GIRL passes by her.
XANDER: Ew, a GIRL? Cooties! Cooties!
Girl -
Sounds like Elvira's raising more than the dead in there.
BUFFY: (as girl) She's also raising puppies and kittens that were abandoned... aw, poor wittle things.
Natalie -
Thanks for the warning.
She stops in front of her door.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Here's hoping I don't step in any puppy puddles, or kitty stuffs. And most especially, no newly risen dead people things.
CUT TO:
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
The killer has both hands on Tosh's neck.
XANDER: (as killer) Swallow the pill already, Tosh! Come on, we go through this every time you have to take your pill.
She screams.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) I don't want to take my pill! No! You can't make me!
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY
Natalie puts the key in the door.
CUT TO:
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
SPIKE: Wow, can't you just feel the tension? The suspense?
OTHERS: No.
SPIKE: Yeah, me neither.
The killer grabs the computer cord and pulls it out of the electrical outlet. The computer goes off, leaving the room in darkness. The door starts to open.
Tosh -
N- Natalie!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, what now? Christ! You're so needy, Tosh!
The killer clamps his hand on Tosh's mouth. Natalie enters the room and closes the door. She goes to turn on the light. Tosh watches expectantly for Natalie to turn on the light, revealing the killer. Natalie suddenly stops, remembering the last time she walked in on Tosh.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Icky visuals, icky visuals. I just need to go to my special place... find my special place...
Natalie -
Sorry. Not looking.
She covers her face and walks over to her bed. Tosh continues to groan and moan, trying to fight off the killer. It does look like they're having sex. Natalie chuckles in disgust.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You're disgusting, Tosh... getting killed right there in front of me. You nasty, nasty person, you.
Tosh fights, but her oxygen is slowly being drained from her. She gasps.
BUFFY: Here's a thought; say help. Or something that would alert Natalie to your predicament, rather than just saying her name, or moaning and groaning like you're having sex.
Natalie climbs into bed, Tosh's groans still audible. Natalie grabs her headphones and puts them on. She turns it on. She turns up the volume to drown out Tosh's moans.
WILLOW: (as Natalie singing) Oh, me so horny. Oh, me so horny. Oh, me so horny. Me love you long time.
OTHERS: @_@
XANDER: (shudders) Promise me you'll never do that again, Willow, I'm begging you.
BUFFY: Please, please, please don't sing that again. Ever.
WILLOW: Sorry... I was just being witty.
SPIKE: (grins) Don't listen to them. You can sing it anytime you want to. Feel free to come into my room and sing it to me whenever you feel like it.
BUFFY/XANDER: (glare threateningly at Spike)
SPIKE: (shrugs, still grinning) I'm just saying.
WILLOW: (shrinks down in her seat, embarrassed)
Tosh still struggles feebly with the killer, but it's too late. Her body goes still, and her eyes roll up into her head.
BUFFY: (as Tosh) Like, wow, there are interesting things inside my head that I never would've seen if it wasn't for you, Mr. Killer. Thank you!
The killer lets Tosh's head fall onto the pillow. He shakes her to make sure she's dead, then gets off her.
Natalie lies in bed, sleeping.
XANDER: Hold on, let me get this straight. Natalie fell asleep in, like, five minutes, if that, with her roommate moaning and groaning, and headphones on, blaring loud music. I so don't think so!
The killer's shadow passes over her...
ALL: Kill her, kill her, kill her.
FADE OUT
ALL: Aww!
WILLOW: Wait... fading out is a good thing, 'cause, no more movie.
XANDER: Hey, you're right.
ALL: Yay!
FADE IN
ALL: Aww!
WILLOW: Poopie.
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM - NEXT DAY - MORNING
Natalie's alarm goes off.
SPIKE: (as alarm) Wake up, bitch!
She slowly opens her eyes. Her headphones lay on the pillow beside her. Natalie sighs, not wanting to get up. She rolls over, facing Tosh. She sits up abruptly.
WILLOW: ...and breaks her back. Oops.
Tosh's black comforter has been pulled up over her face. A puddle of black blood is on the floor next to Tosh's bed. Her hand is sticking out of the cover, blood all over it.
BUFFY: Natalie sighs, not wanting to get up. (as Natalie) Stupid freak, making me get up this early.
Natalie slowly walks over to Tosh's bed. She reaches out and pulls back the comforter to reveal...
XANDER: ...the Teletubbies!
OTHERS: Ahh!
TOSH'S WRISTS HAVE BEEN SLIT!
Natalie screams and backs up.
BUFFY: (as truck backup signal) Beep. Beep. Beep.
She puts her hands over her mouth.
BUFFY: ...to keep from giggling. (as Natalie) Yay, the bitch is finally dead. Rest in peace, Tosh!
She slowly turns around to see that something has been written on the wall in Tosh's blood.
XANDER: "I, Natalie, totally killed Tosh. She annoyed me, what can I say?"
"Aren't you glad
SPIKE: "--I didn't say 'orange?'"
you didn't turn on the lights?"
Natalie screams.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Eeeek! Someone knows I didn't turn on the lights! What am I going to do?
WILLOW: (as passing girl) Oh, my God! Tosh is dead!
XANDER: (as Natalie) So what? Someone knows I didn't turn on the lights. Why is the killer doing this to me? Why me? I'm so scared. This is about me. Me, me, me!
FLASH!
ALL: ... 'kay.
INT. DORM HALL - LATER
Two PARAMEDICS push in a stretcher.
SPIKE: (as paramedic) All right, where's the stiff?
A GIRL and her FRIEND stand next to the door.
BUFFY: That takes talent. I've never actually been able to stand next to a door without falling down.
Girl -
Hey, better check her pulse. She's looked like that for years.
The paramedics roll their eyes and push the stretcher toward Natalie's dorm room. Paul watches them go, a pen and pad in hand.
XANDER: (as Paul, taking notes) ...paramedics rolled eyes. Pushed stretcher toward room. Oh yeah, this'll be a headliner.
Brenda comes down the stairs and walks over to Paul.
WILLOW: ...flashing him to get his attention. (as Brenda) Hi, Paul!
BUFFY: (as Paul) Whatever. Where's Natalie?
Brenda -
Hey, Paul.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Want me to give you a lap dance?
BUFFY: (as Paul) Uh, no, I'm good.
Paul -
Hey. How is she?
XANDER: (as Brenda) Tosh? She's dead. So... wanna go out dancing or something tonight?
He looks over at Natalie, who's being questioned by Dean Adams and Reese.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Oh, her... I don't know. I don't really like her much anyway. Wanna have sex?
Brenda -
I don't know. I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I saw her as I came down the stairs, and I was going to go her, I was, really, but then I saw you. So, wanna go see a movie or something?
XANDER: (as Paul) We have classes. Plus, Natalie's roommate just killed herself, and I have a story to write, and I don't like you.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh. So ten o'clock tonight good with you?
Paul -
All right. See you later.
WILLOW: (as Brenda, singing) I have a date with Paul, I have a date with Paul.
Paul walks off down the hall toward Natalie's dorm.
SPIKE: ...Brenda walks out the door, and smacks her face on the door jamb.
XANDER: (as Brenda) Ow. Uh-oh, I knocked out a toof... I wonder if Paul will notif.
CUT TO:
Dean Adams, Reese, and Natalie. Natalie and Dean Adams sit in chairs, while Reese stands. Natalie takes a sip of her coffee.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Thanks for the half-fat, decaf, double latte frappacino topped with cinnamon and whipped cream, Dean Adams.
WILLOW: (as Adams) Can we get back to the dead girl now, please?
Dean Adams -
Natalie, we know this is hard for you.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) No, it's totally cool. I didn't even like Tosh... one less annoying person in the world is neat. Nifty even.
But we need to know why, if you heard moaning, you didn't turn on the light?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Well, it's like this, Dean... when a man loves a woman... no wait. When a drugged out goth chick IM's any goth guy out there to call her, and they really... dig each other, or something, they have what's called sex. I know you're probably not familiar with it, but--
SPIKE: (as Adamns) No, I'm not. What is this thing you call sex?
Natalie -
I had walked in on Tosh having sex before.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ...and after the first ten times, she stopped asking me to join in 'cause the guy always chose me over her.
WILLOW: (as Adams) Again, you speak of this thing called, 'sex'... what is it, and where can I get some?
It wasn't something I cared to see again.
BUFFY: (as Adams) Speak for yourself, girl! I want to see this thing called, 'sex'. Reese, take me to this Tosh girl and make her have this sex thing so I can see.
OTHERS: Ew.
Reese -
So you never actually saw somebody in the room?
XANDER: (as Natalie, gasps) You mean Tosh wasn't actually there? Then who was moaning?
BUFFY: (as Adams) Moaning?
WILLOW: (as Reese) Part of the sex thing, Dean Adams.
BUFFY: (as Adams) I definitely gotta get me some of that.
Natalie -
I sensed that --
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...someone was in there, and giving me the eye. I think her date--I mean, killer--wanted me. Everyone wants me.
Reese -
No no. Honey,
XANDER: (as Reese) ...you're delusional.
did you see anybody in the room?
Natalie -
No.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...but I know that if someone was in the room, they wanted me.
Dean Adams -
Natalie, did you know Tosh was manic depressive?
In his hand he holds the bottle of
WILLOW: ...Flintstone vitamins.
Lithium pills.
Natalie -
She painted half the room black. I had a pretty good idea.
SPIKE: Huh... guess I missed the mark on that one.
XANDER: Slacker.
Reese -
There are no signs of foul play. No forced entry.
BUFFY: Ever heard of *knowing* your attacker? It happens.
WILLOW: (scoffs) Does not.
BUFFY: No, no, really. It does.
WILLOW: Mmm-hmm.
Natalie -
What are you saying?
XANDER: (as Reese) That you're right. Aliens *did* kill tosh!
Dean Adams -
It appears to be tragic suicide.
WILLOW: Suicide? They actually believe it's a suicide? How idiotic are these people?
OTHERS: Very.
Natalie -
No. Tosh didn't kill herself. There was someone else in that room. I mean, "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights?" for Christ's sake?
Dean Adams -
A very morbid suicide note.
SPIKE: (as Adams) Yes, we believe that Tosh pretended to have sex with someone, then waited until you fell asleep and slit her wrists. Oh, but before bleeding to death, she very quietly, very carefully wrote the words on the wall. In the dark. The end, story over.
Dean Adams stands up and hands the bottle of Lithium pills to Reese.
BUFFY: Haven't they heard of calling the police? Like normal people do when they find someone dead? It's called tampering with evidence. Idiots.
SPIKE: Yes, because the police are so very smart.
BUFFY: Granted.
They walk away. Natalie looks over at Brenda. Natalie stands up and starts to walk over to her. Brenda meets her half way.
XANDER: ...and keeps on going when she spots Paul. (as Brenda) Hi, Paul! I thought you left. So, anyway, as I was saying...
Brenda -
Honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Uh-huh. Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm fine. Hated Tosh. She's gone. Equals yay.
They embrace. Brenda suddenly realizes the stupidity of her question.
Brenda - (cont'd)
Of course not. Stupid question.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) You're very obviously not okay. I mean, hello, I can see the icky lines and dark circles, plus that frown-y thing you're doing with your mouth and eyebrows.
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Wow, did you just channel Cordy?
BUFFY: I think I did.
Who would've thought she would do something like that. I mean, she's weird and all--
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...but, really... who would've thought that she would feel so alone, and unloved that she'd take her own-- Paul! Hi! Let's blow this joint and... if you're nice, I might blow you.
OTHERS: O_O
SPIKE: (to Willow) Nothin', huh?
WILLOW: Oddly enough... nope. It was kinda funny. I think I'm officially corrupted. This can only be a bad thing.
SPIKE: (grins) Oh no, this is a good thing. I love corrupting the innocent. Gives me the warm tinglies.
Natalie's gaze goes beyond Brenda. Brenda turns and sees
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny wall.
XANDER: (as Natalie) That's a window, Brenda.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.
the two paramedics pushing the stretcher. A white cloth covers Tosh's body, but there are blood stains where her wrists were slit.
SPIKE: Mmm, I'm gettin' hungry. Be right back. (hops up and leaves for the kitchen)
OTHERS: (sit and talk while he's gone, trying not to be grossed out)
SPIKE: (returns a minute later with a mug)
Natalie is clearly shaken. Brenda tries to comfort her.
XANDER: (as Brenda) Um, there, there. Don't, uh... don't cry, I guess.
BUFFY: (to Xander) Are you sure you didn't make her too consoling? Too caring?
XANDER: Uh, no, I think I got her just right.
Brenda -
Okay, Natalie, you want to go somewhere and talk?
WILLOW: (as Brenda) ...not with me though, 'cause, I'm busy, but... I'm sure Tosh wouldn't mind... oh, right. She's dead. Well, how about Damon? He could-- hmm, also dead. We're quickly running out of people here, Nat. Work with me!
Natalie shakes her head.
Natalie -
No. I just wanna be alone right now.
She heads away, leaving Brenda there to stare after her. She sighs and walks away.
BUFFY: (as Brenda, to herself) I wonder if Paul's still around. Ooo, shiny wall.
EXT. CAMPUS
Natalie walks on a sidewalk,
WILLOW: A lot of people do. She's nothin' special for doing it.
an arched ceiling hovering above her.
SPIKE: Fall, fall, fall, fall.
She stops and leans back against a column.
SPIKE: Break, break, break, break.
In the background, Paul sees her and starts to walk that way.
BUFFY: (sings, imitating Steven Tyler) Walk this way. Talk this way. Walk this way. Talk this way. Just gimme a kiss...
OTHERS: @_@
BUFFY: What? (motions zipping her lips) Sorry.
Natalie closes her eyes. Paul walks over to her.
Paul -
Hey.
XANDER: (as Paul) ...Brenda's not around is she? If she is, I'm outta here. She scares me.
Natalie opens her eyes.
WILLOW: ...and screams. (as Natalie) Christ, Paul, you scared me! You should really get that nose thing fixed.
Natalie -
Hey.
Paul -
Look, I know this is a bad time for you. But I gotta ask you a couple of questions.
Natalie anticipated this. She starts to walk away. Paul follows her.
Xander: (as Paul) Arf?
Natalie -
Paul, no. I'm not doing any interviews.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Um, hello, miss thing, you're not exactly a movie star. I just wanted to see how you were. Bitch.
Paul -
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I don't want to talk about Tosh, okay.
He starts to pull a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.
SPIKE: But then he stops?
Paul - (cont'd)
I just wanted to know if you could tell me a little about this.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, God, Paul, put that away! Zip your pants back up, and-- (as herself) Oh, no, help me. I'm stuck in the quagmire of ooginess.
He holds it out to Natalie. It's a copy of the yearbook page that Natalie was looking at the other day. Natalie stops walking.
Natalie -
How did you get that?
Paul -
I contacted Michelle's high school. Your high school.
He puts the paper back into his pocket.
SPIKE: ...then stops, and brings it back out again. Then stops, and puts it back into his pocket, then--
XANDER: And we've got the idea.
Paul -
Natalie, why didn't you tell me you knew her?
WILLOW: I think the phrase, 'none of your business' applies here.
Natalie -
So you can exploit her death more than you are now?
BUFFY: (as Paul) No, no I wanted to exploit it only a little.
Natalie begins walking again. Paul again follows her.
Xander: (as Paul) Arf?
Paul -
Hey. I'm just doing my job, okay. What am I supposed to do, turn my back on a murder...or a suicide?
Natalie -
It wasn't a suicide, Paul.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) It was a natural death.
Paul -
What are you talking about?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) I killed her. Like I'm going to kill you right now. Die, Paul! Die!
Natalie -
She was murdered. She was murdered just like Michelle, just like Damon.
This is the first Paul has heard about Damon being murdered.
BUFFY: (as Paul) This is the first I have heard about Damon being murdered.
Paul -
Damon?
BUFFY: (as Paul) Who the heck is Damon? Christ, man, I can't keep all these people and names straight.
Tears well up in Natalie's eyes, and she leans against a column, trying to hide her tears from Paul.
XANDER: (as Natalie) *sniff* *sob* Don't look at me, Paul, I'm crying loudly, but I don't want you to know. *sob* *sniff*
Paul -
Hey. I don't know what's going on here, but if you like, we can go someplace and talk...off the record.
SPIKE: Is that a metaphor for having sex?
WILLOW: No. I think it's a metaphor for talking.
SPIKE: Why talk when you can have sex? Talk is overrated.
WILLOW: Why have sex when you can talk? Sex is overrated.
BUFFY:/XANDER: (clear their throats and look away)
SPIKE: Even your friends disagree with you on that one.
WILLOW: Actually, so do I... but, I had to come back with something. I was drawing a blank.
INT. PENDLETON NEWSROOM/PAUL'S OFFICE - LATER
The camera slowly pans over to Paul and Natalie.
XANDER: ...who are going at it like animals.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Oh! Sorry... didn't realize you were busy, Paul. Um, when you're done doing Natalie you wanna go out with me?
There are two desks in the office. The office is small, and very messy. A bulletin board rests above the other desk. Paul sits in a chair, trying to digest what Natalie just told him. He sighs.
WILLOW: ...then barfs. (as Paul) Couldn't quite digest it. Oh, got some on your blouse. Sorry.
OTHERS: (loudly) Ew!
Natalie -
You don't believe me either.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wah! Nobody believes me. I really did see Teletubbies in Tosh's bed. I did.
Paul -
It's not that. It's just... the idea of an urban legend serial killer, it's a stretch.
SPIKE: Which is exactly why this movie didn't do well.
BUFFY: I thought it was because of bad acting.
XANDER: No, it was bad writing.
WILLOW: Unh-uh, it was all that and more.
Natalie -
But don't you think it's possible?
XANDER: (as Paul) No, I don't think it's possible that the Teletubbies killed Michelle, Damon, and Tosh. They're not real. Get a grip.
Paul -
Yeah, it's possible.
He gets up, walks over to the other desk.
Paul - (cont'd)
But maybe, uh, maybe the gas station attendant killed Michelle. Maybe Damon's snowboarding. And maybe Tosh just killed herself.
XANDER: Ok, Spike, Buffy, you two are the blood experts. How could they think, after seeing the blood, that Tosh had killed herself? I mean, her wrists were cut after she was dead... doesn't that mean her blood was no longer pumping, and was starting to coagulate, or whatever? So, not much of it would've flowed out, right?
OTHERS: O_O
BUFFY: Gross. I don't know.
SPIKE: Never had much dealings with blood after a body was dead... that was more Dru's thing than mine.
WILLOW: Depends on how soon after her heart stopped that her wrists were slit.
Natalie -
Okay.
Paul -
If it is true, why like this? Why now?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Duh, this is when the movie takes place. It'd be rather boring if we told the story before, or after the murders. Dummy.
Natalie looks behind Paul, at the bulletin board.
WILLOW: ...jumping when Paul suddenly screams like a girl.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) What? What happened?
WILLOW: (as Paul) Huh? Oh, nothing. I just like to scream like a girl every once in a while.
Natalie -
Tonight's the 25th anniversary.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) My mother's officially been sober for twenty-five years.
Paul looks at the bulletin board. There's a flyer for the Omega Sigma Phi bash.
Paul -
What's that got to do with anything?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Oh, I'm just sayin'.
Natalie -
The Stanley Hall Massacre.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Good times... good times.
Paul -
I told you that story is not true.
BUFFY: Yes, and since he's the king of the world, he should know. Please.
Natalie -
Are you sure?
XANDER: (as Paul) Yes. I'm the king of the world, so... pretty much yeah.
INT. RECORD ROOM/STAIRWAY - LATER
Paul and Natalie walk up winding stairs into the record room.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Oh, cool, they've got the Beatles!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) And Kid Rock!
XANDER: (as Paul) And CCR!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) And--ew--Hanson... let's leave.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Already gone.
Paul -
All right, if there's any truth to Stanley Hall, it'd be in here.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) With the Hanson records?
XANDER: (as Paul) I'm ignoring that part. Just... walk around them. Wide around them.
Paul stops at a shelf with yearbooks on it. He starts to look through them. Natalie smiles.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You're so cute when you're pretending to read.
Natalie -
So this is where you research all your lurid articles.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Oh, I don't actually do research...
Paul -
Reality is lurid, all right? I'm just the messenger.
He looks at a stack of yearbooks.
WILLOW: (as Paul) What are these things?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) They're called 'books'.
Paul -
'71, '72, '74... Huh. That's weird.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...I coulda swore there was a number between 72 and 74.
'73's not here.
Out on the stairwell, the janitor begins to
XANDER: ...do difficult ballet steps on the railing.
OTHERS: Ooo, ahh.
mop. The mop slams against the sides of the stairs. Paul and Natalie walk out of the record room.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Excuse me! We're doing stuff in here. How dare you interrupt us!
Paul -
Hey, how long you've been working here?
WILLOW: (as janitor) Why?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Becuase we want to make fun of you, and we need details.
WILLOW: (as janitor) Ah. Ok.
Janitor -
Too damn long.
Paul -
Know anything about Stanley Hall?
The janitor stops, looks up at them.
BUFFY: (as janitor) What the hell is Stanley Hall? Is that a code name for sex, or drugs?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You work here and you don't know what Stanley Hall is?
BUFFY: (as janitor) Lady, I don't even know what day this is, let alone what some kind of hall is?
Janitor -
I don't know what you're talking about.
He goes back to mopping.
Natalie -
Did anybody die there?
The janitor stops mopping and starts to descend the steps.
Natalie -
Please. We really need to know.
XANDER: (as Natalie) We're really ookie, and love morbid things. Tell us, tell us.
The janitor stops, considering. He looks up at them again.
BUFFY: (as janitor) Hell no.
Janitor -
Talk to Wexler.
INT. COLLEGE BUILDING/OUTSIDE WEXLER'S OFFICE
Natalie knocks on the door. Nothing. She turns to Paul.
WILLOW: (as Natalie, whining) Wah. He's not here! Wah.
Natalie -
It's his office hours. He should be here.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) But he's not. Wah.
Paul -
Watch out for a second.
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...I'm gonna blow a bubble.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wha--?
BUFFY: (as Paul) I just got this new bubble gum... it's cheddar flavored!
OTHERS: Ew, gross!
He moves over to the door. He pulls out a credit card and puts it in the small crack in the door.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Wow, look at you sticking that thing in there. You're so cool.
After a few seconds, the door opens.
SPIKE: (as Paul, gasps) It's magic! How'd you do that?
Paul turns to Natalie.
Paul -
Would you look at that.
ALL: No.
He goes inside. Natalie can't believe Paul did that.
XANDER: (as Natalie) I can't believe you did that.
She walks inside and closes the door.
XANDER: (as Natalie) ... but, um, I'll go in anyway.
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE
Wexler's office is large. Masks and other figurines adorn the room. Paul is at Wexler's desk, looking at all the papers sprawled out on it.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Hey, Nat, you can read, right? Tell me what this says.
Natalie walks over to him.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) It says, 'Paul is an ass'.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Tee hee, I have one too.
Natalie -
So, they teach you this in class?
BUFFY: (as Paul) No, I've always known I had an ass.
Paul -
I dropped journalism ethics early in the semester. It wasn't helping my G.P.A.
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...'cause I had to, like, be nice and stuff. Maybe even not print stories that were mean, 'cause they said it was wrong.
He opens the drawer and starts going through it.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Lipstick... garter... high heels... oh look, Natalie, I think he's a Rocky Horror fan. I bet he's a Dr. Frank-N-Furter!
OTHERS: (shudder)
BUFFY: Told you before, no Rocky Horror jokes.
Natalie sees three doors across the room. She walks over to them. She opens the first one.
XANDER: (as game show host) Let's see what's behind door number one!
Inside is nothing but books.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Scary.
She closes the door and walks over to the second one.
XANDER: (as game show host) What's behind door number two?
She opens the door. Again, nothing but books.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm afraid now.
Natalie goes to the third door.
XANDER: (as game show host) Open door number three!
It has no door knob. She pushes it open and comes face to face with...
SPIKE: ...Bugs Bunny!
OTHERS: Ahh!
THE KILLER!
SPIKE: Oh, is that all?
BUFFY: Wimps.
WILLOW: You two are scary.
XANDER: Lots.
She gasps and backs up. Paul looks up, but sighs.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Damn it, you're not dead yet? Come on, Killer, kill her.
It's only a parka hanging on a rack. Natalie steps inside,
BUFFY: ...the parka, and frowns. (as Natalie) Um, Paul, could you help me? I seem to be stuck in a coat.
eyeing the parka warily.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) You stay away from me, you evil parka, you.
Inside the closet is a shelf with books, a stuffed fox, along with other creepy things.
XANDER: ...like a leather corset similar to the one in Rocky Horror--
BUFFY: (clears her throat warningly) Don't.
XANDER: Why not?
BUFFY: It's creepy, ok? That movie creeped me out. Ok, everyone have a good laugh, and let's get past this, all right?
OTHERS: O_O
BUFFY: No laughing?
OTHERS: (shake their heads)
BUFFY: Oh. Cool.
Natalie's eyes wander down to the ground. She sees an axe resting against a shelf.
Natalie -
Paul!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...that axe just tried to kill me. Get it! Get it!
Paul walks around the desk and into the closet.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Wow, check out the decor in here... I'm never leaving this place, you can not, no matter how hard you try, get me to come out of the closet.
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Thinking he's gay?
BUFFY: (shrugs) Thinking he's a goofball.
He sees the axe.
Paul -
Oh, shit.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...you're on your own with that thing, Natalie. That's the meanest looking axe I've ever seen.
EXT. WEXLER'S OFFICE
Wexler unlocks the door and opens it.
XANDER: (as Wexler) I think I have time for a little dress up before my meeting with the board... leather corset, here I come!
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE
Paul quickly and quietly closes the door. They hear footsteps in the room. They both tense up, hoping that Wexler won't look in the closet. They hear a door open, then close. Silence. They both sigh, relieved.
SPIKE: Wow, all that suspense and tension... I'm worn out.
BUFFY: Me too.
WILLOW: Oh, absolutely.
XANDER: Uh-huh, fer sure.
Paul opens the door and sticks his head out,
XANDER: ...sadly, Wexler's still there, and just out of spite, excersising his right to defend himself, Wexler uses the axe to chop off Paul's head. Scene!
WILLOW: Um, the axe is in the closet with Natalie and Paul.
XANDER: Then Wexler uses a pocket knife.
BUFFY: I did that once. Major yuckiness ensued.
SPIKE/WILLOW: O_O
XANDER: Yup, I remember you told me that. I still have bad images.
searching the room.
Natalie -
Is he gone?
WILLOW: (as Natalie, loudly) Well, Paul? Is he gone? Huh? Is he? Paul, answer me!
XANDER: (as Paul, loudly) I'm still looking, Natalie! Give me a second! Oh, wait, I think I saw some movement!
WILLOW: (as Natalie, still loud) Oh! Ok! Let's shut the door and be quiet then!
XANDER: (as Paul, loud) Ok! Hope I don't slam this door as I'm shutting it! *slam!* Oops! I did!
Paul -
Yeah.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...I actually do use my brain. Why? Don't you?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Not usually, no.
They step out of the closet.
Paul -
Whew.
XANDER: (as Paul) ...that was close. I almost didn't make that step out... could've broken my neck taking that step. Whew.
Natalie grabs the door to the bookcase and closes it, revealing...
WILLOW: ...a squirrel! (as squirrel) Booga-booga. Boo. Rowr... pfft. (to others) Nothin', huh?
OTHERS: No.
WEXLER!
Natalie gasps.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Good Lord, Wexler, you're really oogie looking. That nose hair is horrifying!
Wexler -
Something I can help you with?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You could trim that nose hair.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Definitely the nose hair.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh yeah. The nose hair.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Yep. Nose hair. Gotta go.
INT. DEAN ADAM'S OFFICE - LATER
Natalie and Paul sit in front of Dean Adams's desk, while Reese and Wexler stand behind them.
Dean Adams -
You two break into a professor's office, then have the audacity to accuse him of murder?
XANDER: (as Adams) ...and then tell him to trim his nose hair? What's wrong with you people?
Natalie -
We found the axe.
XANDER: (as Adams, confused) For him to trim his nose hair with?
SPIKE: (as Wexler) Hey!
Wexler -
That is a prop I use in my folklore class. How can you even suggest that I had anything to do with that girl's death?
SPIKE: (as Wexler) ...I never touched that girl. I only killed a few people a couple of years back, had nothing to do with this rash of murders.
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, then you're free to go.
Paul -
Why don't you tell us about the Stanley Hall Massacre?
WILLOW: (as Wexler) It was a massacre that happened at Stanley Hall.
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, that clears it up then, you're free to go.
Wexler immediately turns to look at him. Dean Adams's expression
changes to mild surprise and horror. He's obviously covering something up.
XANDER: (as Adams) Tee hee, they have no idea I'm wearing women's underwear.
SPIKE: (as Wexler) You do know we can hear you when you open your mouth and sound comes out, right Dean Adams?
XANDER: (as Adams) Tee hee... oh, oops. I always forget that.
Dean Adams -
Professor Wexler, Reese, may I have a word alone with them?
WILLOW: (as Adams) Don't worry, Reese, I'll only hurt them a little.
BUFFY: (as Reese) That's illegal, sir.
WILLOW: (as Adams) Was there a point to that comment, aside from giving me a shower with sound?
Reese and Wexler walk out of his office. Natalie knows something's about to happen.
Dean Adams -
Natalie, after out talk this morning, I decided to look at your
personal file.
He picks up a manilla folder off the desk and opens it. He looks at it then sets it back on his desk.
XANDER: (as Adams) It says here that you used a blue crayon when you were five, and that you colored out of the lines on more than one occasion... What am I to do with you?
Dean Adams - (cont'd)
Probation for reckless endangerment?
Natalie -
It was only for a year. I'd already been accepted here.
BUFFY: (laughing) I seriously know how she feels, 'cause frankly, been there, done that, but I burned down a school gym to kill vampires. She's acting like it's no big deal, and unless they're going to introduce vampire into the movie at this late stage... I think she should show a little more guilt, or at least pretend like it mattered.
WILLOW: Yeah. As a heroine, she sucks. I feel no empathy for her whatsoever.
Dean Adams -
Which was lucky, since we don't usually accept students with a criminal record.
Paul looks away from Natalie, feeling betrayed.
SPIKE: (as Paul) I feel betrayed. Bad, natalie!
Dean Adams -
As for you young man, you're off the paper effective immediately.
XANDER: (as Paul) But, gee, Mr. White, can't you just overlook my stupidity this once?
Paul -
No, no, no, you can't do that. Read the charter. The dean can't dictate editorial policy.
SPIKE: (as Adams) No problem then. I'm not the dean... oh, wait. Yes, I am. Damn it. Foiled again.
Dean Adams -
I didn't fire you. Your editor did. We spoke on the phone an hour ago. Have a good weekend.
WILLOW: Then the dean did fire him... he talked to the editor, who fired Paul. Therefore, the dean was responible.
OTHERS: So?
WILLOW: I'm just sayin'.
He leans back in his chair.
SPIKE: (as Adams) Damn I'm cool.
EXT. COLLEGE BUILDING
Natalie throws open the door
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm free... yay.
and starts down the steps, Paul right behind her.
Paul -
What was all that about? Reckless endangerment? We're not exactly
talking about running a stop sign here, are we, Natalie?
Natalie -
I really don't want to talk about it!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Leave me and my non-guilt alone. Wah!
Paul -
Oh, okay.
XANDER: He gave up easily enough.
What do you want to talk about? My career options without a body of writing samples? Because, for your information, Natalie, they're kinda limited!
XANDER: Ok, that's better. Let her have it, Paul! Kick her ass.
Natalie -
It was in high school, Paul! It's over!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Drag it out of me, Paul, then I can tell you and get your sympathy and be whiny. Wah!
Paul -
Look, does this have something to do with Michelle Mancini?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Wah! No! It has to do with me! I mean... sure, she was there and all, but it was all about me, me, me!
Natalie doesn't answer him.
Paul -
Hey, I just want to know what's going on here... 'cause I don't know if I buy it anymore. I don't know if I ever bought it.
WILLOW: (as Paul) ...'cause you're really expensive, and I'm not sure I can afford you. There's a cheaper hooker down the street with tons less baggage, so... sayonara, Nat.
Paul walks off without another word being said.
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM - LATER
Brenda, wearing only a bathing suit and swim cap, stands by the pool. She jumps in and starts swimming.
XANDER: ...as one usually does in a swimming pool.
BUFFY: ...tragically, she didn't bother to look down to see if there was any water in the pool. There wasn't, and she totally died.
WILLOW: (winces) Ow. Painful way to go.
BUFFY: Totally.
WILLOW: You stuck on that word like Xander was with dude?
BUFFY: (nods emphatically) Totally.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
XANDER: Hey, wait a minute! Why are we at a college campus? Haven't we been on the set of a soap opera?
SPIKE: (as t.v. announcer) Welcome back to... Passions.
WILLOW: No, it's General Hospital.
XANDER: Nah, it's As the World Turns.
BUFFY: No way, it's totally All My Children.
Natalie walks toward the gym.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Gotta take care of these bye-bye arms.
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM
Brenda continues to swim.
SPIKE: Well, no crap. Was she supposed to stop because Natalie's on her way... which she has no way of knowing about?
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
Natalie starts to walk up the steps to the gym.
WILLOW: ...but trips over her feet, and falls on her face. Scene!
Weather Woman - (v.o.)
It's gonna be a wet one out there tonight.
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM
Brenda continues to swim.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Good thing I'm swimming then! Tee hee!
Weather Woman - (v.o.)
The storm is expected to bring four inches of rain...
XANDER: (as weather woman) ...a cat, and a few dogs. Mostly it'll just bring rain, but still. Be on the lookout. Maybe some frogs... could bring anything. You never know.
INT. ROOM OVERLOOKING POOL
Natalie walks into the room. A T.V. is on. The weather woman continues to broadcast the news.
Weather Woman -
And 30-mile per hour wind throughout most of New England. Local
authorities are advising everyone to stay inside. If you do have to go outside, make sure you grab a slicker.
SPIKE: Rain and 30 mph winds, and they're advising people to stay inside? How wimpy are these people?
OTHERS: Extremely.
Natalie goes over to the window and watches Brenda swim.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Shiny water.
Brenda reaches the other side of the pool, and shoves off of the wall, headed in the other direction. A figure appears at one of the doors to the pool. The door opens and Natalie sees
XANDER: ...Al Roker!
OTHERS: Ahh!
THE KILLER!
ALL: Yay!
Natalie gasps and starts
SPIKE: ...touching herself... she's turned on by killers and Al Roker.
OTHERS: (vehemently) Ew!
banging on the window.
Natalie -
Brenda!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Brenda, look up here, shiny stuff, Brenda. Shiny.
Brenda continues to swim, unaware of the killer walking beside the pool.
Natalie runs over to one of the doors, tries to push it open but can't.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Unh! I'm too weak. I need to bolster my strength with crow meat! It does a body good.
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: Feeling kinda random.
She runs over to the other door, but it's also locked. She runs back over to the window and pounds on it.
SPIKE: ...then she runs back over to the doors, then the window, round and round like a dog trapped inside a house.
WILLOW: (giggles) Arf!
BUFFY: Feeling kinda giggly too?
WILLOW: Pretty much, yeah.
Natalie -
Brenda!
XANDER: (as Natalie) Up here, Natalie! Shiny! Up here.
Brenda has almost reached the end of the pool, right where the killer is standing. The killer starts to unzip his coat. Brenda reaches the end of the pool and starts to pull herself up.
Natalie looks around for something, anything, and sees a chair.
BUFFY: Not a chair! Anything but the chair. Don't kill the chair.
She grabs it and smashes it against the window.
Brenda looks up at Natalie, who sees that the person in the parka is not the killer, just a WOMAN.
BUFFY: *Just* a woman? Excuse me! I take extreme umbrage at that.
Brenda exchanges glances with the woman.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Look, shiny.
WILLOW: (as woman) That's a window, Brenda.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Shiny.
INT. LOCKER ROOM
Brenda, fully dressed.
ALL: ...kay.
walks alongside Natalie.
Brenda -
Natalie, nothing is going to happen to me. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Look at you.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) You look all oogie, and icky.
You gotta stop this.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) But it's so much fun.
Brenda walks over to her locker
BUFFY: ...and bangs her head on it repeatedly.
while Natalie sits down on a bench.
BUFFY: ...and twiddles her thumbs.
Natalie -
I knew Michelle Mancini.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh, was she a thumb twiddler too?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Not really.
XANDER: (to Buffy) Um... guys? You're kinda getting...
SPIKE: Lame. Both of you. Very lame
WILLOW: I know... I think I've lost my inspiration to mock.
BUFFY: Me too. Let's take a break for a while.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
End part 4. Fasten your seatbelts and proceed to part 5.
an MST3K of
Urban Legends
by sinecure
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
"Speaking of bathrooms," Xander said, jumping to his feet, "I have to use one. Be right back." He quickly left the front room, heading toward his bedroom, and the bathroom within.
After taking care of business, he was headed back down the hall with a stack of comic books when he noticed Spike's bedroom door open. Curiosity was never something he was able to keep a good handle on, so when an opportunity such as this one presented itself... well, he was bound to take it.
He looked up and down the hall, checking to make sure no one was in the hall, and able to witness his covert peeking in of Spike's room. No one was, so he quickly pushed the door open further and looked inside. Seemed normal enough. Bed, dreser, window, full bookshelf... that was weird. Spike was a reader? Hmm. A door, a coatrack, a stack of books on the--
Door? Holy crap. There was a door between Willow and Spike's rooms! Why? How? Why? This called for some serious cussing. Shit!
"Her name is Tara. I met her in that extremely lame wicca class--" Willow looked up from her conversation with Buffy and Spike when Xander came running through the door, dropping comic books with every step. "What's wrong?"
"A door. Why?" Xander asked intently. The others just stared at him in confusion.
"There's another door?" Buffy asked, then shrugged. "Oh, well, I'm sure it doesn't lead anywhere except to a ballroom or something.
"No," Xander told her, "I mean in Spike's room."
Spike glared at Xander. "You were in my room? Who the hell gave you the right?"
"Goes straight to Willow's room," Xander continued, talking only to Buffy now. "There's no door between our rooms, why is there one between theirs?
Spike grinned, taking a drag off his cigarette. "Jealous?"
Xander looked at Spike incomprehendingly. "What?" He absolutely didn't understand what Spike was asking him. "I don't-- no. Why is there a door there?" He turned to Willow, not caring who answered anymore, just so long as someone did, and soon.
Willow stood up long enough to frown at him, then sat back down again. "You guys don't have a door between your rooms? I thought you did, I just assumed... well, why do we?" She turned to Spike, as if he had all the answers.
Spike shrugged, not looking too caring. "Who knows? Maybe whoever put us in here wants me to kill you in the middle of the night--" seeing her horrified look, he had to laugh. "I'm kidding, Witch. They'll probably get one later, or something... I don't know." No one looked satisfied with his answer, so he sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Does anything in this place make sense?" he asked in exasperation.
Buffy shook her head, frowning as she looked around the clean white room. "He's right. Nothing here makes sense, so we can't exactly blame anyone for anything... except the Host, and he/she's not exactly showing... itself."
Spike and Willow nodded in agreement, and after a moment, Xander nodded as well, then sat in his chair. The others stood there staring at each other, then followed Xander's example, and sat. "Looks like we've got movie sign," Xander said with a chuckle. The others turned confused looks his way. "You know, that Mystery Science Theater 3000 thing?" They still looked blank, so he shrugged. "Nevermind."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
EXT. NATALIE'S DORM
BUFFY: I'm tired of being here. Let's go somewhere else... like the lounge area thingy. Or the radio station.
Natalie walks through the arched passageway to her dorm.
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
Tosh enters the room, closing the door behind her. She walks over to the computer and sits down. She looks at the screen, confused.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) Huh? Why is there smashed watermelon all over the screen? And, where'd that sledgehammer come from? Oh, no... oh, God. Not...
OTHERS: Gallagher! Ruuuuuuuuuuun!
CLOSE ON:
The computer screen. Underneath Tosh's question is the word:Yours.
SPIKE: Told you.
BUFFY: Well, gosh, Spike, you're the most brilliant vampire in this room. I'm proud of you!
SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Eat me, Slayer.
BUFFY: Bite me, Vampire.
NORMAL VIEW
Tosh is bewildered by this.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) What? Huh? How can this be? I don't get it.
Before she has a chance to do anything, a hand wraps around her mouth!
BUFFY: Oh, my God, not her mouth! Anything but her mouth!
Tosh tries to scream. The killer throws Tosh onto the bed and gets on top of her.
SPIKE: Naughty killer. Copping a feel during a kill... not like I've never done it, but I'm a vampire, evil and all that. I'm supposed to do things like that.
WILLOW: Ew, you've copped a feel while killing someone? That's sick, Spike.
BUFFY: Ever try it with me, and I'll--
SPIKE: No worries there, Slayer. Why would I want to touch you in any way other than to kill you?
BUFFY: Hey! I'm actually offended by that.
WILLOW: Um, Buffy?
BUFFY: I know, I know.
With one hand covering her mouth and the other strangling her, Tosh tries to scream out. She gets the killer's hand off her mouth and screams before the killer clamps his hand over her mouth again.
INT. HALLWAY
Natalie walks down the hall to her room. A GIRL passes by her.
XANDER: Ew, a GIRL? Cooties! Cooties!
Girl -
Sounds like Elvira's raising more than the dead in there.
BUFFY: (as girl) She's also raising puppies and kittens that were abandoned... aw, poor wittle things.
Natalie -
Thanks for the warning.
She stops in front of her door.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Here's hoping I don't step in any puppy puddles, or kitty stuffs. And most especially, no newly risen dead people things.
CUT TO:
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
The killer has both hands on Tosh's neck.
XANDER: (as killer) Swallow the pill already, Tosh! Come on, we go through this every time you have to take your pill.
She screams.
WILLOW: (as Tosh) I don't want to take my pill! No! You can't make me!
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY
Natalie puts the key in the door.
CUT TO:
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM
SPIKE: Wow, can't you just feel the tension? The suspense?
OTHERS: No.
SPIKE: Yeah, me neither.
The killer grabs the computer cord and pulls it out of the electrical outlet. The computer goes off, leaving the room in darkness. The door starts to open.
Tosh -
N- Natalie!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh, what now? Christ! You're so needy, Tosh!
The killer clamps his hand on Tosh's mouth. Natalie enters the room and closes the door. She goes to turn on the light. Tosh watches expectantly for Natalie to turn on the light, revealing the killer. Natalie suddenly stops, remembering the last time she walked in on Tosh.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Icky visuals, icky visuals. I just need to go to my special place... find my special place...
Natalie -
Sorry. Not looking.
She covers her face and walks over to her bed. Tosh continues to groan and moan, trying to fight off the killer. It does look like they're having sex. Natalie chuckles in disgust.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You're disgusting, Tosh... getting killed right there in front of me. You nasty, nasty person, you.
Tosh fights, but her oxygen is slowly being drained from her. She gasps.
BUFFY: Here's a thought; say help. Or something that would alert Natalie to your predicament, rather than just saying her name, or moaning and groaning like you're having sex.
Natalie climbs into bed, Tosh's groans still audible. Natalie grabs her headphones and puts them on. She turns it on. She turns up the volume to drown out Tosh's moans.
WILLOW: (as Natalie singing) Oh, me so horny. Oh, me so horny. Oh, me so horny. Me love you long time.
OTHERS: @_@
XANDER: (shudders) Promise me you'll never do that again, Willow, I'm begging you.
BUFFY: Please, please, please don't sing that again. Ever.
WILLOW: Sorry... I was just being witty.
SPIKE: (grins) Don't listen to them. You can sing it anytime you want to. Feel free to come into my room and sing it to me whenever you feel like it.
BUFFY/XANDER: (glare threateningly at Spike)
SPIKE: (shrugs, still grinning) I'm just saying.
WILLOW: (shrinks down in her seat, embarrassed)
Tosh still struggles feebly with the killer, but it's too late. Her body goes still, and her eyes roll up into her head.
BUFFY: (as Tosh) Like, wow, there are interesting things inside my head that I never would've seen if it wasn't for you, Mr. Killer. Thank you!
The killer lets Tosh's head fall onto the pillow. He shakes her to make sure she's dead, then gets off her.
Natalie lies in bed, sleeping.
XANDER: Hold on, let me get this straight. Natalie fell asleep in, like, five minutes, if that, with her roommate moaning and groaning, and headphones on, blaring loud music. I so don't think so!
The killer's shadow passes over her...
ALL: Kill her, kill her, kill her.
FADE OUT
ALL: Aww!
WILLOW: Wait... fading out is a good thing, 'cause, no more movie.
XANDER: Hey, you're right.
ALL: Yay!
FADE IN
ALL: Aww!
WILLOW: Poopie.
INT. NATALIE AND TOSH'S DORM ROOM - NEXT DAY - MORNING
Natalie's alarm goes off.
SPIKE: (as alarm) Wake up, bitch!
She slowly opens her eyes. Her headphones lay on the pillow beside her. Natalie sighs, not wanting to get up. She rolls over, facing Tosh. She sits up abruptly.
WILLOW: ...and breaks her back. Oops.
Tosh's black comforter has been pulled up over her face. A puddle of black blood is on the floor next to Tosh's bed. Her hand is sticking out of the cover, blood all over it.
BUFFY: Natalie sighs, not wanting to get up. (as Natalie) Stupid freak, making me get up this early.
Natalie slowly walks over to Tosh's bed. She reaches out and pulls back the comforter to reveal...
XANDER: ...the Teletubbies!
OTHERS: Ahh!
TOSH'S WRISTS HAVE BEEN SLIT!
Natalie screams and backs up.
BUFFY: (as truck backup signal) Beep. Beep. Beep.
She puts her hands over her mouth.
BUFFY: ...to keep from giggling. (as Natalie) Yay, the bitch is finally dead. Rest in peace, Tosh!
She slowly turns around to see that something has been written on the wall in Tosh's blood.
XANDER: "I, Natalie, totally killed Tosh. She annoyed me, what can I say?"
"Aren't you glad
SPIKE: "--I didn't say 'orange?'"
you didn't turn on the lights?"
Natalie screams.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Eeeek! Someone knows I didn't turn on the lights! What am I going to do?
WILLOW: (as passing girl) Oh, my God! Tosh is dead!
XANDER: (as Natalie) So what? Someone knows I didn't turn on the lights. Why is the killer doing this to me? Why me? I'm so scared. This is about me. Me, me, me!
FLASH!
ALL: ... 'kay.
INT. DORM HALL - LATER
Two PARAMEDICS push in a stretcher.
SPIKE: (as paramedic) All right, where's the stiff?
A GIRL and her FRIEND stand next to the door.
BUFFY: That takes talent. I've never actually been able to stand next to a door without falling down.
Girl -
Hey, better check her pulse. She's looked like that for years.
The paramedics roll their eyes and push the stretcher toward Natalie's dorm room. Paul watches them go, a pen and pad in hand.
XANDER: (as Paul, taking notes) ...paramedics rolled eyes. Pushed stretcher toward room. Oh yeah, this'll be a headliner.
Brenda comes down the stairs and walks over to Paul.
WILLOW: ...flashing him to get his attention. (as Brenda) Hi, Paul!
BUFFY: (as Paul) Whatever. Where's Natalie?
Brenda -
Hey, Paul.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Want me to give you a lap dance?
BUFFY: (as Paul) Uh, no, I'm good.
Paul -
Hey. How is she?
XANDER: (as Brenda) Tosh? She's dead. So... wanna go out dancing or something tonight?
He looks over at Natalie, who's being questioned by Dean Adams and Reese.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Oh, her... I don't know. I don't really like her much anyway. Wanna have sex?
Brenda -
I don't know. I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) I saw her as I came down the stairs, and I was going to go her, I was, really, but then I saw you. So, wanna go see a movie or something?
XANDER: (as Paul) We have classes. Plus, Natalie's roommate just killed herself, and I have a story to write, and I don't like you.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh. So ten o'clock tonight good with you?
Paul -
All right. See you later.
WILLOW: (as Brenda, singing) I have a date with Paul, I have a date with Paul.
Paul walks off down the hall toward Natalie's dorm.
SPIKE: ...Brenda walks out the door, and smacks her face on the door jamb.
XANDER: (as Brenda) Ow. Uh-oh, I knocked out a toof... I wonder if Paul will notif.
CUT TO:
Dean Adams, Reese, and Natalie. Natalie and Dean Adams sit in chairs, while Reese stands. Natalie takes a sip of her coffee.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Thanks for the half-fat, decaf, double latte frappacino topped with cinnamon and whipped cream, Dean Adams.
WILLOW: (as Adams) Can we get back to the dead girl now, please?
Dean Adams -
Natalie, we know this is hard for you.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) No, it's totally cool. I didn't even like Tosh... one less annoying person in the world is neat. Nifty even.
But we need to know why, if you heard moaning, you didn't turn on the light?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Well, it's like this, Dean... when a man loves a woman... no wait. When a drugged out goth chick IM's any goth guy out there to call her, and they really... dig each other, or something, they have what's called sex. I know you're probably not familiar with it, but--
SPIKE: (as Adamns) No, I'm not. What is this thing you call sex?
Natalie -
I had walked in on Tosh having sex before.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) ...and after the first ten times, she stopped asking me to join in 'cause the guy always chose me over her.
WILLOW: (as Adams) Again, you speak of this thing called, 'sex'... what is it, and where can I get some?
It wasn't something I cared to see again.
BUFFY: (as Adams) Speak for yourself, girl! I want to see this thing called, 'sex'. Reese, take me to this Tosh girl and make her have this sex thing so I can see.
OTHERS: Ew.
Reese -
So you never actually saw somebody in the room?
XANDER: (as Natalie, gasps) You mean Tosh wasn't actually there? Then who was moaning?
BUFFY: (as Adams) Moaning?
WILLOW: (as Reese) Part of the sex thing, Dean Adams.
BUFFY: (as Adams) I definitely gotta get me some of that.
Natalie -
I sensed that --
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...someone was in there, and giving me the eye. I think her date--I mean, killer--wanted me. Everyone wants me.
Reese -
No no. Honey,
XANDER: (as Reese) ...you're delusional.
did you see anybody in the room?
Natalie -
No.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) ...but I know that if someone was in the room, they wanted me.
Dean Adams -
Natalie, did you know Tosh was manic depressive?
In his hand he holds the bottle of
WILLOW: ...Flintstone vitamins.
Lithium pills.
Natalie -
She painted half the room black. I had a pretty good idea.
SPIKE: Huh... guess I missed the mark on that one.
XANDER: Slacker.
Reese -
There are no signs of foul play. No forced entry.
BUFFY: Ever heard of *knowing* your attacker? It happens.
WILLOW: (scoffs) Does not.
BUFFY: No, no, really. It does.
WILLOW: Mmm-hmm.
Natalie -
What are you saying?
XANDER: (as Reese) That you're right. Aliens *did* kill tosh!
Dean Adams -
It appears to be tragic suicide.
WILLOW: Suicide? They actually believe it's a suicide? How idiotic are these people?
OTHERS: Very.
Natalie -
No. Tosh didn't kill herself. There was someone else in that room. I mean, "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights?" for Christ's sake?
Dean Adams -
A very morbid suicide note.
SPIKE: (as Adams) Yes, we believe that Tosh pretended to have sex with someone, then waited until you fell asleep and slit her wrists. Oh, but before bleeding to death, she very quietly, very carefully wrote the words on the wall. In the dark. The end, story over.
Dean Adams stands up and hands the bottle of Lithium pills to Reese.
BUFFY: Haven't they heard of calling the police? Like normal people do when they find someone dead? It's called tampering with evidence. Idiots.
SPIKE: Yes, because the police are so very smart.
BUFFY: Granted.
They walk away. Natalie looks over at Brenda. Natalie stands up and starts to walk over to her. Brenda meets her half way.
XANDER: ...and keeps on going when she spots Paul. (as Brenda) Hi, Paul! I thought you left. So, anyway, as I was saying...
Brenda -
Honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Uh-huh. Why does everyone keep asking me that? I'm fine. Hated Tosh. She's gone. Equals yay.
They embrace. Brenda suddenly realizes the stupidity of her question.
Brenda - (cont'd)
Of course not. Stupid question.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) You're very obviously not okay. I mean, hello, I can see the icky lines and dark circles, plus that frown-y thing you're doing with your mouth and eyebrows.
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Wow, did you just channel Cordy?
BUFFY: I think I did.
Who would've thought she would do something like that. I mean, she's weird and all--
SPIKE: (as Brenda) ...but, really... who would've thought that she would feel so alone, and unloved that she'd take her own-- Paul! Hi! Let's blow this joint and... if you're nice, I might blow you.
OTHERS: O_O
SPIKE: (to Willow) Nothin', huh?
WILLOW: Oddly enough... nope. It was kinda funny. I think I'm officially corrupted. This can only be a bad thing.
SPIKE: (grins) Oh no, this is a good thing. I love corrupting the innocent. Gives me the warm tinglies.
Natalie's gaze goes beyond Brenda. Brenda turns and sees
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny wall.
XANDER: (as Natalie) That's a window, Brenda.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Shiny.
the two paramedics pushing the stretcher. A white cloth covers Tosh's body, but there are blood stains where her wrists were slit.
SPIKE: Mmm, I'm gettin' hungry. Be right back. (hops up and leaves for the kitchen)
OTHERS: (sit and talk while he's gone, trying not to be grossed out)
SPIKE: (returns a minute later with a mug)
Natalie is clearly shaken. Brenda tries to comfort her.
XANDER: (as Brenda) Um, there, there. Don't, uh... don't cry, I guess.
BUFFY: (to Xander) Are you sure you didn't make her too consoling? Too caring?
XANDER: Uh, no, I think I got her just right.
Brenda -
Okay, Natalie, you want to go somewhere and talk?
WILLOW: (as Brenda) ...not with me though, 'cause, I'm busy, but... I'm sure Tosh wouldn't mind... oh, right. She's dead. Well, how about Damon? He could-- hmm, also dead. We're quickly running out of people here, Nat. Work with me!
Natalie shakes her head.
Natalie -
No. I just wanna be alone right now.
She heads away, leaving Brenda there to stare after her. She sighs and walks away.
BUFFY: (as Brenda, to herself) I wonder if Paul's still around. Ooo, shiny wall.
EXT. CAMPUS
Natalie walks on a sidewalk,
WILLOW: A lot of people do. She's nothin' special for doing it.
an arched ceiling hovering above her.
SPIKE: Fall, fall, fall, fall.
She stops and leans back against a column.
SPIKE: Break, break, break, break.
In the background, Paul sees her and starts to walk that way.
BUFFY: (sings, imitating Steven Tyler) Walk this way. Talk this way. Walk this way. Talk this way. Just gimme a kiss...
OTHERS: @_@
BUFFY: What? (motions zipping her lips) Sorry.
Natalie closes her eyes. Paul walks over to her.
Paul -
Hey.
XANDER: (as Paul) ...Brenda's not around is she? If she is, I'm outta here. She scares me.
Natalie opens her eyes.
WILLOW: ...and screams. (as Natalie) Christ, Paul, you scared me! You should really get that nose thing fixed.
Natalie -
Hey.
Paul -
Look, I know this is a bad time for you. But I gotta ask you a couple of questions.
Natalie anticipated this. She starts to walk away. Paul follows her.
Xander: (as Paul) Arf?
Natalie -
Paul, no. I'm not doing any interviews.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Um, hello, miss thing, you're not exactly a movie star. I just wanted to see how you were. Bitch.
Paul -
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I don't want to talk about Tosh, okay.
He starts to pull a folded piece of paper out of his pocket.
SPIKE: But then he stops?
Paul - (cont'd)
I just wanted to know if you could tell me a little about this.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Oh, God, Paul, put that away! Zip your pants back up, and-- (as herself) Oh, no, help me. I'm stuck in the quagmire of ooginess.
He holds it out to Natalie. It's a copy of the yearbook page that Natalie was looking at the other day. Natalie stops walking.
Natalie -
How did you get that?
Paul -
I contacted Michelle's high school. Your high school.
He puts the paper back into his pocket.
SPIKE: ...then stops, and brings it back out again. Then stops, and puts it back into his pocket, then--
XANDER: And we've got the idea.
Paul -
Natalie, why didn't you tell me you knew her?
WILLOW: I think the phrase, 'none of your business' applies here.
Natalie -
So you can exploit her death more than you are now?
BUFFY: (as Paul) No, no I wanted to exploit it only a little.
Natalie begins walking again. Paul again follows her.
Xander: (as Paul) Arf?
Paul -
Hey. I'm just doing my job, okay. What am I supposed to do, turn my back on a murder...or a suicide?
Natalie -
It wasn't a suicide, Paul.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) It was a natural death.
Paul -
What are you talking about?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) I killed her. Like I'm going to kill you right now. Die, Paul! Die!
Natalie -
She was murdered. She was murdered just like Michelle, just like Damon.
This is the first Paul has heard about Damon being murdered.
BUFFY: (as Paul) This is the first I have heard about Damon being murdered.
Paul -
Damon?
BUFFY: (as Paul) Who the heck is Damon? Christ, man, I can't keep all these people and names straight.
Tears well up in Natalie's eyes, and she leans against a column, trying to hide her tears from Paul.
XANDER: (as Natalie) *sniff* *sob* Don't look at me, Paul, I'm crying loudly, but I don't want you to know. *sob* *sniff*
Paul -
Hey. I don't know what's going on here, but if you like, we can go someplace and talk...off the record.
SPIKE: Is that a metaphor for having sex?
WILLOW: No. I think it's a metaphor for talking.
SPIKE: Why talk when you can have sex? Talk is overrated.
WILLOW: Why have sex when you can talk? Sex is overrated.
BUFFY:/XANDER: (clear their throats and look away)
SPIKE: Even your friends disagree with you on that one.
WILLOW: Actually, so do I... but, I had to come back with something. I was drawing a blank.
INT. PENDLETON NEWSROOM/PAUL'S OFFICE - LATER
The camera slowly pans over to Paul and Natalie.
XANDER: ...who are going at it like animals.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Oh! Sorry... didn't realize you were busy, Paul. Um, when you're done doing Natalie you wanna go out with me?
There are two desks in the office. The office is small, and very messy. A bulletin board rests above the other desk. Paul sits in a chair, trying to digest what Natalie just told him. He sighs.
WILLOW: ...then barfs. (as Paul) Couldn't quite digest it. Oh, got some on your blouse. Sorry.
OTHERS: (loudly) Ew!
Natalie -
You don't believe me either.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wah! Nobody believes me. I really did see Teletubbies in Tosh's bed. I did.
Paul -
It's not that. It's just... the idea of an urban legend serial killer, it's a stretch.
SPIKE: Which is exactly why this movie didn't do well.
BUFFY: I thought it was because of bad acting.
XANDER: No, it was bad writing.
WILLOW: Unh-uh, it was all that and more.
Natalie -
But don't you think it's possible?
XANDER: (as Paul) No, I don't think it's possible that the Teletubbies killed Michelle, Damon, and Tosh. They're not real. Get a grip.
Paul -
Yeah, it's possible.
He gets up, walks over to the other desk.
Paul - (cont'd)
But maybe, uh, maybe the gas station attendant killed Michelle. Maybe Damon's snowboarding. And maybe Tosh just killed herself.
XANDER: Ok, Spike, Buffy, you two are the blood experts. How could they think, after seeing the blood, that Tosh had killed herself? I mean, her wrists were cut after she was dead... doesn't that mean her blood was no longer pumping, and was starting to coagulate, or whatever? So, not much of it would've flowed out, right?
OTHERS: O_O
BUFFY: Gross. I don't know.
SPIKE: Never had much dealings with blood after a body was dead... that was more Dru's thing than mine.
WILLOW: Depends on how soon after her heart stopped that her wrists were slit.
Natalie -
Okay.
Paul -
If it is true, why like this? Why now?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Duh, this is when the movie takes place. It'd be rather boring if we told the story before, or after the murders. Dummy.
Natalie looks behind Paul, at the bulletin board.
WILLOW: ...jumping when Paul suddenly screams like a girl.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) What? What happened?
WILLOW: (as Paul) Huh? Oh, nothing. I just like to scream like a girl every once in a while.
Natalie -
Tonight's the 25th anniversary.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) My mother's officially been sober for twenty-five years.
Paul looks at the bulletin board. There's a flyer for the Omega Sigma Phi bash.
Paul -
What's that got to do with anything?
SPIKE: (as Natalie) Oh, I'm just sayin'.
Natalie -
The Stanley Hall Massacre.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Good times... good times.
Paul -
I told you that story is not true.
BUFFY: Yes, and since he's the king of the world, he should know. Please.
Natalie -
Are you sure?
XANDER: (as Paul) Yes. I'm the king of the world, so... pretty much yeah.
INT. RECORD ROOM/STAIRWAY - LATER
Paul and Natalie walk up winding stairs into the record room.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Oh, cool, they've got the Beatles!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) And Kid Rock!
XANDER: (as Paul) And CCR!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) And--ew--Hanson... let's leave.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Already gone.
Paul -
All right, if there's any truth to Stanley Hall, it'd be in here.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) With the Hanson records?
XANDER: (as Paul) I'm ignoring that part. Just... walk around them. Wide around them.
Paul stops at a shelf with yearbooks on it. He starts to look through them. Natalie smiles.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You're so cute when you're pretending to read.
Natalie -
So this is where you research all your lurid articles.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Oh, I don't actually do research...
Paul -
Reality is lurid, all right? I'm just the messenger.
He looks at a stack of yearbooks.
WILLOW: (as Paul) What are these things?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) They're called 'books'.
Paul -
'71, '72, '74... Huh. That's weird.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...I coulda swore there was a number between 72 and 74.
'73's not here.
Out on the stairwell, the janitor begins to
XANDER: ...do difficult ballet steps on the railing.
OTHERS: Ooo, ahh.
mop. The mop slams against the sides of the stairs. Paul and Natalie walk out of the record room.
SPIKE: (as Paul) Excuse me! We're doing stuff in here. How dare you interrupt us!
Paul -
Hey, how long you've been working here?
WILLOW: (as janitor) Why?
XANDER: (as Natalie) Becuase we want to make fun of you, and we need details.
WILLOW: (as janitor) Ah. Ok.
Janitor -
Too damn long.
Paul -
Know anything about Stanley Hall?
The janitor stops, looks up at them.
BUFFY: (as janitor) What the hell is Stanley Hall? Is that a code name for sex, or drugs?
WILLOW: (as Natalie) You work here and you don't know what Stanley Hall is?
BUFFY: (as janitor) Lady, I don't even know what day this is, let alone what some kind of hall is?
Janitor -
I don't know what you're talking about.
He goes back to mopping.
Natalie -
Did anybody die there?
The janitor stops mopping and starts to descend the steps.
Natalie -
Please. We really need to know.
XANDER: (as Natalie) We're really ookie, and love morbid things. Tell us, tell us.
The janitor stops, considering. He looks up at them again.
BUFFY: (as janitor) Hell no.
Janitor -
Talk to Wexler.
INT. COLLEGE BUILDING/OUTSIDE WEXLER'S OFFICE
Natalie knocks on the door. Nothing. She turns to Paul.
WILLOW: (as Natalie, whining) Wah. He's not here! Wah.
Natalie -
It's his office hours. He should be here.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) But he's not. Wah.
Paul -
Watch out for a second.
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...I'm gonna blow a bubble.
XANDER: (as Natalie) Wha--?
BUFFY: (as Paul) I just got this new bubble gum... it's cheddar flavored!
OTHERS: Ew, gross!
He moves over to the door. He pulls out a credit card and puts it in the small crack in the door.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Wow, look at you sticking that thing in there. You're so cool.
After a few seconds, the door opens.
SPIKE: (as Paul, gasps) It's magic! How'd you do that?
Paul turns to Natalie.
Paul -
Would you look at that.
ALL: No.
He goes inside. Natalie can't believe Paul did that.
XANDER: (as Natalie) I can't believe you did that.
She walks inside and closes the door.
XANDER: (as Natalie) ... but, um, I'll go in anyway.
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE
Wexler's office is large. Masks and other figurines adorn the room. Paul is at Wexler's desk, looking at all the papers sprawled out on it.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Hey, Nat, you can read, right? Tell me what this says.
Natalie walks over to him.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) It says, 'Paul is an ass'.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Tee hee, I have one too.
Natalie -
So, they teach you this in class?
BUFFY: (as Paul) No, I've always known I had an ass.
Paul -
I dropped journalism ethics early in the semester. It wasn't helping my G.P.A.
BUFFY: (as Paul) ...'cause I had to, like, be nice and stuff. Maybe even not print stories that were mean, 'cause they said it was wrong.
He opens the drawer and starts going through it.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Lipstick... garter... high heels... oh look, Natalie, I think he's a Rocky Horror fan. I bet he's a Dr. Frank-N-Furter!
OTHERS: (shudder)
BUFFY: Told you before, no Rocky Horror jokes.
Natalie sees three doors across the room. She walks over to them. She opens the first one.
XANDER: (as game show host) Let's see what's behind door number one!
Inside is nothing but books.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Scary.
She closes the door and walks over to the second one.
XANDER: (as game show host) What's behind door number two?
She opens the door. Again, nothing but books.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm afraid now.
Natalie goes to the third door.
XANDER: (as game show host) Open door number three!
It has no door knob. She pushes it open and comes face to face with...
SPIKE: ...Bugs Bunny!
OTHERS: Ahh!
THE KILLER!
SPIKE: Oh, is that all?
BUFFY: Wimps.
WILLOW: You two are scary.
XANDER: Lots.
She gasps and backs up. Paul looks up, but sighs.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Damn it, you're not dead yet? Come on, Killer, kill her.
It's only a parka hanging on a rack. Natalie steps inside,
BUFFY: ...the parka, and frowns. (as Natalie) Um, Paul, could you help me? I seem to be stuck in a coat.
eyeing the parka warily.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) You stay away from me, you evil parka, you.
Inside the closet is a shelf with books, a stuffed fox, along with other creepy things.
XANDER: ...like a leather corset similar to the one in Rocky Horror--
BUFFY: (clears her throat warningly) Don't.
XANDER: Why not?
BUFFY: It's creepy, ok? That movie creeped me out. Ok, everyone have a good laugh, and let's get past this, all right?
OTHERS: O_O
BUFFY: No laughing?
OTHERS: (shake their heads)
BUFFY: Oh. Cool.
Natalie's eyes wander down to the ground. She sees an axe resting against a shelf.
Natalie -
Paul!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) ...that axe just tried to kill me. Get it! Get it!
Paul walks around the desk and into the closet.
BUFFY: (as Paul) Wow, check out the decor in here... I'm never leaving this place, you can not, no matter how hard you try, get me to come out of the closet.
WILLOW: (to Buffy) Thinking he's gay?
BUFFY: (shrugs) Thinking he's a goofball.
He sees the axe.
Paul -
Oh, shit.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...you're on your own with that thing, Natalie. That's the meanest looking axe I've ever seen.
EXT. WEXLER'S OFFICE
Wexler unlocks the door and opens it.
XANDER: (as Wexler) I think I have time for a little dress up before my meeting with the board... leather corset, here I come!
INT. WEXLER'S OFFICE
Paul quickly and quietly closes the door. They hear footsteps in the room. They both tense up, hoping that Wexler won't look in the closet. They hear a door open, then close. Silence. They both sigh, relieved.
SPIKE: Wow, all that suspense and tension... I'm worn out.
BUFFY: Me too.
WILLOW: Oh, absolutely.
XANDER: Uh-huh, fer sure.
Paul opens the door and sticks his head out,
XANDER: ...sadly, Wexler's still there, and just out of spite, excersising his right to defend himself, Wexler uses the axe to chop off Paul's head. Scene!
WILLOW: Um, the axe is in the closet with Natalie and Paul.
XANDER: Then Wexler uses a pocket knife.
BUFFY: I did that once. Major yuckiness ensued.
SPIKE/WILLOW: O_O
XANDER: Yup, I remember you told me that. I still have bad images.
searching the room.
Natalie -
Is he gone?
WILLOW: (as Natalie, loudly) Well, Paul? Is he gone? Huh? Is he? Paul, answer me!
XANDER: (as Paul, loudly) I'm still looking, Natalie! Give me a second! Oh, wait, I think I saw some movement!
WILLOW: (as Natalie, still loud) Oh! Ok! Let's shut the door and be quiet then!
XANDER: (as Paul, loud) Ok! Hope I don't slam this door as I'm shutting it! *slam!* Oops! I did!
Paul -
Yeah.
SPIKE: (as Paul) ...I actually do use my brain. Why? Don't you?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Not usually, no.
They step out of the closet.
Paul -
Whew.
XANDER: (as Paul) ...that was close. I almost didn't make that step out... could've broken my neck taking that step. Whew.
Natalie grabs the door to the bookcase and closes it, revealing...
WILLOW: ...a squirrel! (as squirrel) Booga-booga. Boo. Rowr... pfft. (to others) Nothin', huh?
OTHERS: No.
WEXLER!
Natalie gasps.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Good Lord, Wexler, you're really oogie looking. That nose hair is horrifying!
Wexler -
Something I can help you with?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) You could trim that nose hair.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Definitely the nose hair.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Oh yeah. The nose hair.
WILLOW: (as Paul) Yep. Nose hair. Gotta go.
INT. DEAN ADAM'S OFFICE - LATER
Natalie and Paul sit in front of Dean Adams's desk, while Reese and Wexler stand behind them.
Dean Adams -
You two break into a professor's office, then have the audacity to accuse him of murder?
XANDER: (as Adams) ...and then tell him to trim his nose hair? What's wrong with you people?
Natalie -
We found the axe.
XANDER: (as Adams, confused) For him to trim his nose hair with?
SPIKE: (as Wexler) Hey!
Wexler -
That is a prop I use in my folklore class. How can you even suggest that I had anything to do with that girl's death?
SPIKE: (as Wexler) ...I never touched that girl. I only killed a few people a couple of years back, had nothing to do with this rash of murders.
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, then you're free to go.
Paul -
Why don't you tell us about the Stanley Hall Massacre?
WILLOW: (as Wexler) It was a massacre that happened at Stanley Hall.
XANDER: (as Adams) Oh, that clears it up then, you're free to go.
Wexler immediately turns to look at him. Dean Adams's expression
changes to mild surprise and horror. He's obviously covering something up.
XANDER: (as Adams) Tee hee, they have no idea I'm wearing women's underwear.
SPIKE: (as Wexler) You do know we can hear you when you open your mouth and sound comes out, right Dean Adams?
XANDER: (as Adams) Tee hee... oh, oops. I always forget that.
Dean Adams -
Professor Wexler, Reese, may I have a word alone with them?
WILLOW: (as Adams) Don't worry, Reese, I'll only hurt them a little.
BUFFY: (as Reese) That's illegal, sir.
WILLOW: (as Adams) Was there a point to that comment, aside from giving me a shower with sound?
Reese and Wexler walk out of his office. Natalie knows something's about to happen.
Dean Adams -
Natalie, after out talk this morning, I decided to look at your
personal file.
He picks up a manilla folder off the desk and opens it. He looks at it then sets it back on his desk.
XANDER: (as Adams) It says here that you used a blue crayon when you were five, and that you colored out of the lines on more than one occasion... What am I to do with you?
Dean Adams - (cont'd)
Probation for reckless endangerment?
Natalie -
It was only for a year. I'd already been accepted here.
BUFFY: (laughing) I seriously know how she feels, 'cause frankly, been there, done that, but I burned down a school gym to kill vampires. She's acting like it's no big deal, and unless they're going to introduce vampire into the movie at this late stage... I think she should show a little more guilt, or at least pretend like it mattered.
WILLOW: Yeah. As a heroine, she sucks. I feel no empathy for her whatsoever.
Dean Adams -
Which was lucky, since we don't usually accept students with a criminal record.
Paul looks away from Natalie, feeling betrayed.
SPIKE: (as Paul) I feel betrayed. Bad, natalie!
Dean Adams -
As for you young man, you're off the paper effective immediately.
XANDER: (as Paul) But, gee, Mr. White, can't you just overlook my stupidity this once?
Paul -
No, no, no, you can't do that. Read the charter. The dean can't dictate editorial policy.
SPIKE: (as Adams) No problem then. I'm not the dean... oh, wait. Yes, I am. Damn it. Foiled again.
Dean Adams -
I didn't fire you. Your editor did. We spoke on the phone an hour ago. Have a good weekend.
WILLOW: Then the dean did fire him... he talked to the editor, who fired Paul. Therefore, the dean was responible.
OTHERS: So?
WILLOW: I'm just sayin'.
He leans back in his chair.
SPIKE: (as Adams) Damn I'm cool.
EXT. COLLEGE BUILDING
Natalie throws open the door
BUFFY: (as Natalie) I'm free... yay.
and starts down the steps, Paul right behind her.
Paul -
What was all that about? Reckless endangerment? We're not exactly
talking about running a stop sign here, are we, Natalie?
Natalie -
I really don't want to talk about it!
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Leave me and my non-guilt alone. Wah!
Paul -
Oh, okay.
XANDER: He gave up easily enough.
What do you want to talk about? My career options without a body of writing samples? Because, for your information, Natalie, they're kinda limited!
XANDER: Ok, that's better. Let her have it, Paul! Kick her ass.
Natalie -
It was in high school, Paul! It's over!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Drag it out of me, Paul, then I can tell you and get your sympathy and be whiny. Wah!
Paul -
Look, does this have something to do with Michelle Mancini?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Wah! No! It has to do with me! I mean... sure, she was there and all, but it was all about me, me, me!
Natalie doesn't answer him.
Paul -
Hey, I just want to know what's going on here... 'cause I don't know if I buy it anymore. I don't know if I ever bought it.
WILLOW: (as Paul) ...'cause you're really expensive, and I'm not sure I can afford you. There's a cheaper hooker down the street with tons less baggage, so... sayonara, Nat.
Paul walks off without another word being said.
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM - LATER
Brenda, wearing only a bathing suit and swim cap, stands by the pool. She jumps in and starts swimming.
XANDER: ...as one usually does in a swimming pool.
BUFFY: ...tragically, she didn't bother to look down to see if there was any water in the pool. There wasn't, and she totally died.
WILLOW: (winces) Ow. Painful way to go.
BUFFY: Totally.
WILLOW: You stuck on that word like Xander was with dude?
BUFFY: (nods emphatically) Totally.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
XANDER: Hey, wait a minute! Why are we at a college campus? Haven't we been on the set of a soap opera?
SPIKE: (as t.v. announcer) Welcome back to... Passions.
WILLOW: No, it's General Hospital.
XANDER: Nah, it's As the World Turns.
BUFFY: No way, it's totally All My Children.
Natalie walks toward the gym.
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Gotta take care of these bye-bye arms.
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM
Brenda continues to swim.
SPIKE: Well, no crap. Was she supposed to stop because Natalie's on her way... which she has no way of knowing about?
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS
Natalie starts to walk up the steps to the gym.
WILLOW: ...but trips over her feet, and falls on her face. Scene!
Weather Woman - (v.o.)
It's gonna be a wet one out there tonight.
INT. SWIMMING POOL AREA/GYM
Brenda continues to swim.
BUFFY: (as Brenda) Good thing I'm swimming then! Tee hee!
Weather Woman - (v.o.)
The storm is expected to bring four inches of rain...
XANDER: (as weather woman) ...a cat, and a few dogs. Mostly it'll just bring rain, but still. Be on the lookout. Maybe some frogs... could bring anything. You never know.
INT. ROOM OVERLOOKING POOL
Natalie walks into the room. A T.V. is on. The weather woman continues to broadcast the news.
Weather Woman -
And 30-mile per hour wind throughout most of New England. Local
authorities are advising everyone to stay inside. If you do have to go outside, make sure you grab a slicker.
SPIKE: Rain and 30 mph winds, and they're advising people to stay inside? How wimpy are these people?
OTHERS: Extremely.
Natalie goes over to the window and watches Brenda swim.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Shiny water.
Brenda reaches the other side of the pool, and shoves off of the wall, headed in the other direction. A figure appears at one of the doors to the pool. The door opens and Natalie sees
XANDER: ...Al Roker!
OTHERS: Ahh!
THE KILLER!
ALL: Yay!
Natalie gasps and starts
SPIKE: ...touching herself... she's turned on by killers and Al Roker.
OTHERS: (vehemently) Ew!
banging on the window.
Natalie -
Brenda!
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Brenda, look up here, shiny stuff, Brenda. Shiny.
Brenda continues to swim, unaware of the killer walking beside the pool.
Natalie runs over to one of the doors, tries to push it open but can't.
WILLOW: (as Natalie) Unh! I'm too weak. I need to bolster my strength with crow meat! It does a body good.
OTHERS: O_O
WILLOW: Feeling kinda random.
She runs over to the other door, but it's also locked. She runs back over to the window and pounds on it.
SPIKE: ...then she runs back over to the doors, then the window, round and round like a dog trapped inside a house.
WILLOW: (giggles) Arf!
BUFFY: Feeling kinda giggly too?
WILLOW: Pretty much, yeah.
Natalie -
Brenda!
XANDER: (as Natalie) Up here, Natalie! Shiny! Up here.
Brenda has almost reached the end of the pool, right where the killer is standing. The killer starts to unzip his coat. Brenda reaches the end of the pool and starts to pull herself up.
Natalie looks around for something, anything, and sees a chair.
BUFFY: Not a chair! Anything but the chair. Don't kill the chair.
She grabs it and smashes it against the window.
Brenda looks up at Natalie, who sees that the person in the parka is not the killer, just a WOMAN.
BUFFY: *Just* a woman? Excuse me! I take extreme umbrage at that.
Brenda exchanges glances with the woman.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Look, shiny.
WILLOW: (as woman) That's a window, Brenda.
SPIKE: (as Brenda) Shiny.
INT. LOCKER ROOM
Brenda, fully dressed.
ALL: ...kay.
walks alongside Natalie.
Brenda -
Natalie, nothing is going to happen to me. Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Look at you.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) You look all oogie, and icky.
You gotta stop this.
SPIKE: (as Natalie) But it's so much fun.
Brenda walks over to her locker
BUFFY: ...and bangs her head on it repeatedly.
while Natalie sits down on a bench.
BUFFY: ...and twiddles her thumbs.
Natalie -
I knew Michelle Mancini.
WILLOW: (as Brenda) Oh, was she a thumb twiddler too?
BUFFY: (as Natalie) Not really.
XANDER: (to Buffy) Um... guys? You're kinda getting...
SPIKE: Lame. Both of you. Very lame
WILLOW: I know... I think I've lost my inspiration to mock.
BUFFY: Me too. Let's take a break for a while.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
End part 4. Fasten your seatbelts and proceed to part 5.