TITLE: The True Mary-Sue

AUTHOR: Java Green

RATING: Pg-13, I swear, mild slash implications

SUMMARY: The lowest of the low, the evvvvil that infests the archives....the disease that blackens the honey-light of the writer's words...the shrill note in the perfect song of the muse. Be gone thou lusty wench, thou rapper of good plot lines and disturber of sweet slash! Caste thee off to the inferno's pits to simmer for all eternity! God damn it! I wrote a Mary-Sue. I wrote it as I myself would truly act in middle-earth. And I am ashamed.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, except me, and refernce to Cassandra Claire's livejournals.

NOTES: I was sick. I hate Mary-sue's and yet, here I am writing the most Mary-Sue fanfiction you can get.

The True Mary-Sue

It was that joyous time in a student's life known as Spring break. Both my roommates were off on vacation and I was left in a lonely apartment to feed the animals. How's that for excitement? To add to my bitterness I am also sick with a fever that sporadically comes and goes on it's own accord. Which is making everything difficult. As one moment I'm reading my emailthe next I'm babbling to the Iguana about dragon mating rituals. And if she could hook me up with any elves.

Yes, I've become obsessed with the movie Lord of the Rings. Though I read the book in grade 5 and was obsessed then. But now I've become initiated to the world of slash and it has taken on a whole new angle-several in factand at different speeds. Anyway, I was sitting there on my bored ass. With an empty jug of grapefruit juice to the right of me, a coffee brewing in the kitchen, an Iguana to the left of me and my babymac staring me in the face. As per usual I had already devolved into my natural state of bare feet, ponytail, tank top and clashing plaid lounge pants, as it is the perfect ensemble in which to slump at the computer and write slash.

Unfortunately, my metaphoric muse had released her harem of plot bunnies, but was refusing to show her self to inspire me on another tale of wild man/elf sexcapades. With some good old angst thrown in for flavor. I sighed in frustration and continued to stare vacantly at the white page on my screen. While I awaited the boot of inspiration to make an impression on my ass.

After a while of staring I began to feel drawn towards the light of my screen. So many little pixels of colorand blueto make one image on the screen. I found myself slipping into a daze and realized that my fever must have returned. My eyelids began to grow droopy as I started to fall from my chair. The last thing I recalled was the pure, bright white of the screen on my desk. Then, I blanked out. Presumably before I hit the ground because I'm sure I would have recalled the thud.

To my muddled astonishment, I awoke outside. Passing out one place and awakening in another was not something I did without large quantities of alcohol. Even then I had yet not to make it home. So this was a bit of a surprise to me. I had expected to find myself on my floor with a paper indent on my faceinstead I was on a bed. With trees around me. How odd. It was rather unnerving really. Had I been taken to a hospital? That would account for the bed, but the trees sort of corrupted that theory. Was I dead? That would account for the lovely floral smells wafting in the air, the organic sculpture of the bed and statues surrounding, and the ancient trees, and bright sunlight. Oh, shitWho was going to feed the animals?! It better not be meI thought grimly.

Nah, I couldn't be dead. What could have killed me? I was sitting pretty low to the ground and I just keeled over so I couldn't have broken my neck. My fever wasn't that strongit just made me tired, delusional and sweaty, it hadn't gone to a danger point yet. My blood sugar wasn't low. Maybe I'd fallen on my Legolas doll and his bow had gone through my ear into my brain? The chance of that was highly unlikely. But the thought of landing on Legolas brought a smile to my face. It was at this point that I knew I wasn't dead. As I think this place is much nicer than the one I was headed for, and not nearly as warm.

So I wasn't in a hospital, I wasn't dead, I hadn't taken any mind-expanding substancesso that left my fever. Of course, I was hallucinating. As the last thing I was thinking of before I blacked out was Legolas and Aragorn, I must be in Rivendell. Go me. Now I just had to sit back and await my twisted little imagination to bring on the naked dancing elves.

Though, this did feel awfully real. The blankets were nice and silky and the feel of them sliding through my fingers exquisite. But, I had a very vivid imagination, and I never remember my dreamsso perhaps my hallucination was making up for that.

I brushed off the feeling of unease and sat up in the bed. It was at this point that I realized I was not dressed. Shock predominated my thoughts, as the last person to see me naked was the doctor when I was born. Quickly, I wrapped the blanket around me toga style and tied it. I would have stapled, and duct taped it closed too if I'd had the means! In the few dreams that I remember, I was never naked. Me naked, not good dream material. Where the hell were my cloths?

For a few moments I tried to mentally project my pants into the hallucination. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Damn it. I made sure the blanket was secure, and wrapped a second around me for insurance. Then began to walk around the ornate room in search of clothing. My tank top? A tunic? Gown? Robe? Fig leaf? Anything?!

There really wasn't much room to walk around. As one wall was a balcony, eep, anyone walking by could have seen me! And the other was an archway into another room. Yes, this was Rivendell all right, the lack of walls, funky moldings and abundance of greenery being a big tip off. As well as the elf walking past on the balcony. I had to stop a moment in my frantic search of the room to stare open-mouthed at the gorgeous man/womanhard to tell really, pretty sure it was a male though. He had long white gold hair that radiated the sun's glow about his celestial, flawless skin. He turned and looked perplexed at me gaping from the room. Then moved swiftly away avoiding eye contact.

Once my brain retook control of my actions from my sex drive, I went back to looking for cloths. Damn, I'd freaked out an elf. I paused in my search of the dresser. That was actually impressive as they live thousands of years.

It was then that I heard two voices lowered in conversation approaching from the adjoining room. Hopefully it would be my naked elves. But, with my luck, it would be naked Gollum and Saruman. A sour look took over my facial features as I stood in motionless terror at the metal image that brought. Ew.

There I was standing by the bed with a look of mingled terror and disgust when Elrond and Gandalf walked in. They stopped speaking immediately and both took on a soothing, friendly expression. Obviously thinking I was upset about where I was and not by my twisted mind. Maybe the covers had a lot to do with it too. I managed to snap out of my disgust and smile sheepishly.

"Uhhi," I said waving meekly. Thank god I shaved this morning.

Both smiled at me and approached. "Hello guest, I am Lord Elrond, and this is the elven city of Rivendell. My friend here is-"

Being naked was making me feel edgy. Being naked in front of these two was also giving me a rather pinkish glow. "Gandalf the gay-er-grey, sorry, yeah, I know. Could I get my cloths back, please? I'm feeling a little uncomfortable at the moment."

A look of surprise and amusement appeared on the wizard's face while Elrond remained stoic.

"Ah, so you've heard of me! Or is it that we've met before, on one of my travels? Though, as it seems you know me, I fear that I must admit I do not recall you. What is your name child? Where do you come from? Your appearance here is a bit of a mystery to us." Gandalf made himself comfortable by plopping down in a chair by the bed. Lord Elrond remained standing and watching me intently.

I could feel him using his 3 000-year-old brain to analyze me. Man, did I feel unworthy.

"Uhno we've never met per say. Well, never in person. I guess in my head a few times, but I'm not sure that counts. Then I guess this meeting doesn't count either, come to think of it, so no, we've never met." And the babbling begins.

Gandalf and Elrond were looking at me in confusion.

"Sorry, I talk when I'm nervous, it's normal. You get used to it and ignore it after a while. I'm Julie, though my friends call me Jules, or Java...as I spend a lot of time online these days. I'm from a little farming community called Carp. But I moved away to go to school. And I plan to move to a bigger city shortly. Umreally, I want my cloths; this is just weird, standing here. Naked and all."

My babble was greeted by two politely baffled expressions. As is with uncomfortable silence and other people, I seem to have the urge to fill it.

I giggled nervously as a thought struck me. "You know, I have almost as many names as Aragorn? Maybe more" Mentally I started to compare the lists. "Though, mine aren't as intimidating or regal. I mean, Blue Latte compared to Aragorn, son of.whatever, it just doesn't have the same effect."

Elrond's posture became even stiffer, and Gandalf looked downright suspicious. Which made me even more nervous as I looked between the two and at the floor for good measure. I had the sinking feeling I was getting into trouble. As it was my hallucination, I felt I had the right to feel a little put out by that.

"Sowhat day is it?" I asked. "It looks nice outrain much here?" I was seriously beginning to find the mosaic of the floor interesting. It had a rather Art Nouveau style to it. Wonder if Tolkien was inspired any by my favorite artist, Alphonse Mucha?

Gandalf's powerful voice answered my question, "it is eleven o'clock in the morning of October twenty-fourth. And it doesn't rain much at this time of year."

My mental gears clicked. "The Twenty-fourth? At eleven? Hey, Frodo's, up by now, how is he? And why did he get a night-gown, while I didn't?"

Elrond and Gandalf were both wearing an expression of shock. Then, faster than I thought someone his age could move, Gandalf was standing over me. "How do you know of, Frodo?"

"Eep?" I backed away from the wizard and into the dresser. "Ow," I hit my heel on the bottom.

"And how would you know that he had a dressing gown, and has arisen, while at this time you have lay unconscious here?" Elrond's voice queried and he cocked his eyebrow. I loved when he did that.

Though admiring elves didn't seem appropriate at the moment. Since a rather scary old man was harassing me. Ah, whom am I kidding? When is it not the time to admire an elf? Man, I need a boyfriend.

Both were staring at me trying to figure me out. "You are human are you not?" Gandalf leaned forward and looked into my eyes.

Should I be insulted? "Yes, " I said darkly.

Elrond was looking at me like a novelty. "She said that she had met you in her mind, but never in the flesh. She has more than one title, yet claims to come from a farming town that I have never heard before. She also seems to know of things that occurred, as her body lay dormant. It is unheard of for humans this age to posses magic, and yet, is it impossible?"

Gandalf frowned, "I feel nothing within her-"

I was insulted. "Hey!"

Gandalf ignored me, "but I cannot be sure." They seemed to remember that I was standing beside them. "How old are you, girl?

"Twenty-two. I'm not a gi-well, okay, compared to you two, I'm a kid. And what's this about my body being dormant?"

Elrond did the raised eyebrow again, and Gandalf looked thoughtful. "We seem to each have questions."

"I just want to know why you say I was unconscious, get some cloths, come to, and have my coffee."

More blank expressions. But I think they were getting to ignore stage in conversation with me.

Gandalf went back to his seat and volunteered the answer. "Your arrival here is a bit of an enigma. You were found unconscious, by an elven scouting party, on the forest floor just outside of the city. They brought you to us just this morning. The healers were appraising you, but found nothing wrong. Then, Frodo, awoke and the household has gone into a bit of a commotion."

I sighed and mumbled, "at least the floor part is right." Why can't my hallucinations be simple? Oh nomy brain has to pull in plot.

"The floor part?" asked Elrond.

"I was in my room, on my computer," odd looks. "Er, it's a box that lets you communicate with people who aren't in the room and it stores information. I was trying to write at the time. I felt drowsy, blacked out, and now I'm here. I thought I'd wake up on the floor you see." A wonderfully feeble attempt at explaining things.

Gandalf's eyes widened, "you posses a magic talisman then?"

"Guess you could say that. Though, the computer can be more trouble then help at times."

"So it's a double-sided magic?"

"Pretty much."

"Is this, com-pewtr, what has given you the ability to know of myself, and of, Frodo?"

A bad slashy thought skipped merrily through my mind at that statement. "Umin a way, though I did read the book first."

Elrond looked utterly perplexed, it was kind of cute really. "Book? What has a book to do with us?"

I could see I had lost them and was simply leaving them further behind. I decided to be a fantasy writer for the moment. "Hmmmlet's put this in Middle-Earthish terms. I had a magical book that allows me to read of certain events here in Middle-earth. I can't control what it tells me, but it has been fairly in-depth in events regarding the One Ring."

Both stared at me in wonder. "How can a book hold such power?" Elrond demanded.

"Words have lots of power, just ask anyone in advertising or politics."

Gandalf nodded solemnly. "And, in magic. Where is this book? What does it speak of the fate of the hobbits?"

Uh oh. I could barely see the rim of the hole I had dug myself. "It's at home. It says a whole lot. But I'm not telling because I don't know if it would alter reality, or if fate dictates reality no matter what, or if this is reality for that matter." I still wanted my pants back. "Really, I just can't process the philosophy of it right now. I'm confused, I miss my pants, and I'm getting hungry."

When in confusion, whine and bitch. It makes you feel so much better.

Elrond seemed to regain his hosting abilities. "I shall have clothing brought to you momentarily. As for food, as a guest in my home, you are invited to dine at the feast which is being prepared in Frodo's honor."

"Cool. The hobbits are so cute. When and where is this feast?"

"Tonight, in the main hall."

"And where would the main hall be, precisely?"

Elrond smiled warmly. "I shall have someone escort you there."

A thought occurred to me as the college student within struggled to be heard. "Will there be dwarvian ale? I'd like to try some of that. Oh, and will there be vegetarian dishes? I'm allergi-meat causes me a great deal of pain if I eat itoh shit. I don't have my insulin!" Panic.

Gandalf and Elrond exchanged worried glances.

"Meat pains you?" Gandalf asked.

"What is insilin?"

Damn their lack of science. "Insulin is a magical fluid that keeps me alive. And yes, I can't digest meat. Unless you want me throwing up all night. It's rather unpleasant."

Then reality struck me again. This was a hallucination. "Oh, never mind. I'm sure if I eat here one it won't kill me."

Shock crossed Elrond's face, "kill you?"

"Forget it. Don't worry. I'll manage for now. Cloths would be good though." I adjusted the toga as it began to slip a little.

Both men left the room and began speaking in elvish. It really is a beautiful tongue. Unfortunately, I knew what they were discussing was me. Crazy-toga-human. Oh well. I'd better get to see Legolas in this hallucination, or I will be very disappointed.

*****

I ambled along beside my elven guide, later that evening, thinking that this is the longest hallucination I'd ever heard of. I'd been given a gown, and it had taken me about an hour to figure out how to get all the fastens right. But in the end it was clothing. Very light and flowy material that glimmered in soft light. I approved. I almost looked graceful! Which is not an easy task. Too bad I couldn't have done something to my hair. For now it just hung down and loosely curled as usual. I continued to look around and study the aesthetics of architecture of the elves as well as the elves. Often causing my guide to pause in his stride and wait for me to stop staring or poking at something.

"Sorry, I'm easily distracted by shiny objects."

He just smiled indulgently and began to walk once more.

"How do elves get their hair so neat and glossy? You'd think that being immortal it would become dull and dry out after a while, but I guess it grows back in fast enough. Though, do some elves have hair that is thousands of years old still on their heads? Wow, that's a lot of hair. Do you use an herbal conditioner?"

I don't think it would be possible to describe the exact look that was on the elf's face. "I have never thought on it." He confessed.

"Oh." There really wasn't much more to say. "Nice tapestry."

"I am fond of it as well."

"Indeed?"

"I find it soothing to the eye."

"I just like blue."

"Oh."

"It's a very nice blue, mostly slate would you say?"

"I believe so, yes."

We finally arrived to the hall were tables were laden with food and people of all sorts were talking. It was very loud, and very beautiful, especially to my stomach. My inner student noted the kegs lined up against the far wall and a date was made. I continued to ogle at all the people gathered and tried to spot the fellowship members. A living Where's Waldo came to mind. The walls were illuminated by the caressing glow of candlelight. The sheer numbers turned the caress to an outright punch to the retina. I made sure to follow my guide closely so I wouldn't loose him as I was ogling.

I was taken to a table and seated amongst a group of dwarves. I found it disturbing that I was but half a foot taller than some of the dwarves were. I also found their smell disturbing. The words 'damp basement' mixed with 'fermented yeast' and 'iron' came to mind. I smiled and tried not to inhale more than was absolutely necessary.

The food was served, and I gorged myself to the point of being unable to stand, on dishes that I didn't recognize. By the time we were through with the food I'd managed to impress my helmeted friends. To show their appreciation of a fine metabolism, they brought me ale. As everyone knows you need something to wash out the food with. It was rather bitter, and potent. After a few, I really didn't care anymore. Hell, I'd become accustomed to the dwarf odor, and I was really getting a kick out of them. They were great! They were hilarious! Actually, the elves were pretty funny too! Hehepointy ears, and Gandalf's pointy hat. I love dwarves! They're great! I told them this a few times to make sure they heard me. I made sure to mention that I thought the elves were all sexy bitches as well. I want an elf. Heheone of the dwarves fell over, and he was sitting.

At one point, Gimli joined our group.

"GIMLIIIIIIII!" I screamed and gave him a bear hug.

He laughed and hugged me back, then sat beside me with another ale.

"Sso, how do yew ge' your braids so thik?"

"Wh' do yew mean?" he asked.

"Wh'n I braid ma hair, it's aways lopsided an' thin. How d' yew ge' yours ssssso thik?"

"'tis a secrrrret young lass, passed down frrrom one dwarrf to anoterrr!"

"Say Morrrrdorrrr!"

"Wh' everrrr forrr?"

"I love th' way yew pronownce iht!"

He laughed for quite a while at that. Well, so did I for that matter. Abruptly he cried out, "moRRRRRRdoRRRRRRRR!"

I love it when he says it, you can feel the sternum vibrate and the saliva flow. "Evah nodicewh'n anyone says morrrrdorrrrrr, they rrroll der rrrrrrrrr's? To make id dat morrrre evvvvvil? Eeeevil as in frrruitss of the devvvvvviill, eeeevvilll. Hehe." So, I married an Axe murderer quote. I love that movie. In fact I love everyone right about now. I entertained myself with the dwarves for a time before I decided to ask Gandalf if I could wear his hat. I rose from the table and the room swayed and blurred a bit. Strange how that happens. Gimli gave me a friendly slap on the back that nearly drove my spine through my chest as I left. Guess size really isn't everything.

I stumbled around the room for a bit hugging random elves for the hell of it. I wasn't quite that drunkbut they didn't know that. Finally, I made my way out to a balcony where Gandalf was seated with his pipe. I plopped down beside him grinning like an idiot.

"Hi."

"Hello."

"Can I wear your pointy hat?"

Once again I was given a look of perplexment. "I see that you have befriended the dwarves."

"They're fun, once you get used to the smell."

He chuckled softly and took a drag on his pipe. Reaching upwards he removed his hat and plunked it on my head. It was too large and fell over my face, but I didn't care, I was wearing Gandalf's hat! Whoo hoo!

"Thank you."

"You're a very odd girl."

"Crazy in an amusing way, and harmless, is the usual description."

He chuckled again and continued his intermitted puffing.

"Hobbit weed?" I asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yes, very good batch. Would you like to try? As you seem so curious to try everything else." His eyes twinkled as he held out his pipe.

"Sure, as I already am drrrunk, and I'll try most things once if I'm sure it won't kill or main me." I took the pipe and puffed.

"Interesting philosophy."

I coughed at the harsh taste of the hobbit weed and handed back the pipe. "I thought it would be more mellow than that."

He shrugged and went back to puffing. "It's effective enough."

"Argh," was my reply between coughs.

"So you're a normal human with magical talismans, and you claim to know the path of the One Ring. What are we to do with you?"

"A night alone with, Legolas, and chocolate sauce?" Did I say that out loud?

Gandalf stared at me with his pipe hanging on his bottom lip. "Excuse me?"

Apparently. "Never mind. My bad."

We sat in silence for a while longer. As I looked out onto the night I noticed two small figures padding across one of the bridges. A moment later they were followed by two more. "The hobbits?"

"Yes, delightful race of creatures they are."

"Yeah, they remind me of puppy dogs. So loyal and cuddly."

"I say that is an accurate description."

Here was a moment of truth. I had to know, "Are Sam and Frodo shagging?" Gandalf choked when he inhaled half his pipe. "I mean, it's so obvious that they arebut it's never stated out right! You know they love each other. But do they LOOOOOVE each other? Not that I want second by second play details, I like the hobbits, but I'm not really a pervy hobbit-fancier type. I like the Aragorn/Legolas pairing best. For some reason that quiet, confident, sexier than sex aura gets me. Plus the pairing is just ripe with angst. And I am an angst slut. Gandalf, are you alright?"

I ran over and patted his back desperately in hopes of dislodging the pipe.

***And so ends part one of the Java-Sue. Will I wake up from my fever? Will Gandalf choke to death on his pipe, or turn me into something unnatural? Will we find out who is shagging whom? Will Gimli show me how to braid my hair? Will I get my naked dancing elves? I don't know.