I stood guiltily staring at the floor outside a closed chamber a while later. I was gnawing thoughtfully on my bottom lip with Gandalf's hat still slumped on my head obscuring my face. The silvery blue gown was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I wanted to sprawl on the floor and contemplate my impending doom but in a dress that was impossible to do while maintaining any level of dignity. After running up a few flights of stairs I was also beginning to miss my underwire support. These slender elves didn't seem to have to worry about the affect gravity and motion had on certain loose parts of the female anatomy.

I continued my study of the floor while I awaited news of Gandalf. Currently, he and Lord Elrond were locked in the room behind me, as Elrond used his mystical healing powers in attempts to remove the pipe.

Naturally, I felt bad. I may have killed Mithrandir. So much for not interfering with fate and all. If he died what would this do to the fellowship? Elrond and the Balrog were going to kill me.

My ears picked up the sound of quick footsteps approaching. I tilted up my head so I could see out from under the rim of the pointy hat. The sound of feet in motion became a visual as Aragorn and Arwen turned the corner and froze in place as they spied me.

"Hi," I said glumly. "Are you armed?"

The two exchanged confused glances and it was Arwen who replied. "No, we do not carry weapons in my father's home. It is well protected. Why would you make this query?"

"To gauge how fast I should run and the amount of screaming I should do."

Aragorn frowned at me, "Why is this?"

"Oh," I straightened off the wall and my body tensed to flee. "I may have killed Gandalf. Should I make an attempt to run now?"

Both looked startled at my confession.

"What is this? Who are you to make such a dreadful claim in my father's household?" Arwen's voice was harsh and she was looking kind of scary. Aragorn moved forward in a half-hearted protective fashion. Though, I'm sure he was as aware as I, that Arwen could probably defend herself. Not to mention kick his ass around middle-earth a few times for fun in the process.

I was just about to bolt when the door opened and Elrond stepped out into the hallway.

"Is he all right?" I asked from somewhere under the hat.

I presumed he was looking at me, at least his feet were.

"Yes, child, he is recovered."

I breathed in relief. "Thank God."

"Elrond, what is this?" Aragorn's rich voice inquired. My ears were purring with contentment at the sound. Now that I knew I wasn't going to be slaughtered I could go back to my admiration.

"I'm, Jules, actually."

The silence and stillness of the feet told me I was getting odd looks again.

"I was in reference to Gandalf."

"Oh."

"How is it that this child could claim to have inflicted his demise?" Arwen's voice was all soft and elegant again. "And from whence has she came upon our company, father?"

"I asked a question and he choked on his pipe. And I fell off my chair."

"You fell off your chair?" Aragorn asked.

"She is a highlyunusual human, Estel, her presence here seems to stem from that of sorcery."

"What kind of sorcery, father? Anything that we should be weary of in regards to our guest?"

"Neither, Mithrandir, nor I can explain her. She has a form of long-sight that could prove both helpful and deadly. As for her intentions, we have yet to be sure."

"I really wish you'd stop talking about me in the third person when I'm here. I'm getting a headache. Maybe I shouldn't have drank so much with the dwarves. And I'm getting the munchies. My intentions, now that I know Gandy's okay, are to go to bed and pass out." And I'd better not come to until I see Legolas. I pushed the hat up on my head and looked up at the faces staring at me with interest. Elrond and Arwen were both giving me looks of that bordered on bafflement and wonder. Aragorn smiled warmly at me when I met the uncertainty in his eyes.

"Wow, you have the coolest eyes. And when you wash your hair you really do lookregal," I mumbled in awe. I glanced at his neck and noticed the light of the moon as it reflected off the pendant there. "Oh, so she gave you her pendant on the balcony then. That sucks."

Elrond's eyes went wide and he turned his attention to the couple. Arwen's mouth dropped open in shock. And Aragorn looked nervous.

"How did youshe but pledged herself to me a moment ago. What do you mean by this?" Aragorn's eyes burned with worry.

I was feeling worn out and really didn't care to know about their fantasy romance. "Nothing, it's just weird and all. Elrond being your foster-father and such. The whole giving up immortality and youth for a few years of intense passion and hard-core monkey sex. Then having it fade to sitting on the balcony arguing about dinner, the kid's grades, and matching sox for fifty years or so. It also just gets in the way of good slash. Which pisses me off. Anyway, I'm going to go find a bed, with any luck Legolas will be in it. Have fun at the council tomorrow. G'night." I turned and wandered off down a hallway that looked like it might take me back to my room.

Of course, it didn't, and I ended up wandering around Rivendell for a couple hours in search of bed. At least I got to ogle at the beauty of it in the moon's soft glow. But after a while my feet hurt, my heat hurt, and I was down right cranky. I came across where the council would be held in the morning and noticed two small forms sitting on the podium on which the ring would be placed.

They were singing.

Well, I needed directions. Might as well stop and ask.

"Hello?"

The two figures froze and looked towards me. I could hear whispers as I approached them.

"Oh no, Merry, what should we do?" asked a heavily accented voice. "Are we supposed to be here?"

"Don't ask me, Pip, I don' know where here is! Is that, Gandalf?"

"Oh no! Merry, he shrunk!"

"I'm not, Gandalf, I just borrowed his hat." I walked up to the two hobbits on the podium and looked them in the hair. "I'm, Jules, nice to meet you."

"Hello! I'm Peregrin Took, and this is Meriadoc Brandybuck. 'tis nice to meet you too! You seem a little chubby to be an elf -"

"Pip!" Merry hit him and nearly knocked him off his perch.

"What?! I was just sayin' I've never seen-" Merry hit him again. "Ow! I like rounded women! Ow!"

"Pip! That's not a polite thing to say to a lady!"

"Aye, as said lady might kick your hairy ass," I stated. "What are you two doing here at this hour?" I looked at their dilated pupils and permi-grin plastered faces and realized it was a rhetorical question. "Have a few good pints at the party?"

Their faces were one hug smile as they started to giggle. "I still can't believe it comes in pints!" Exclaimed Pippin.

"We're not done yet!" was Merry's reply and he held up a flask as proof. "Want some?"

"Ah hell, why not? My brother used to say the best cure for a hangover was beer." I sat on the podium beside the cute little hobbits and took a swig nearly knocking off the hat.

"That's a good sayin'!"

"Hey! We saw you at the feast!"

"You did?" I passed the flask to Merry who took a swig.

"Yeah! Yous was having a dwarf braid your hair!"

"Gimli, did a great job of it too," I commented running my hand over the thick braids. "Speaking of the feast. I'm hungry again."

The two hobbits looked at me with admiration. "So are we!"

"Do either of you know where we could get something to snack on?"

They grinned and I could see the twinkle in their eyes. "Do we!"

They began rummaging through their clothing and pulled out various foodstuffs. I was impressed that Pippin had somehow managed to put an entire pie on his person and not crush it. "Wow, Pip, I think you're my new hero."

He blushed and beamed with pride. Together we chatted about pointless things. Though, for the most part we were silent due to the food inhalation. This was a damned good pie. Some sort of berry medley? It was also very messy as the hobbits were juicy and my gown had handprints on it by the time we were through. I wasn't worried as I'm sure elves had developed some sort of super detergent to keep their cloths so shiny and white all the time. I should ask Elrond about that later.

Eventually we decided to stand up and try and find our rooms. I was getting tired, and the hobbits were very drunk. So drunk in fact, that they passed out in a bush on our way out of the meeting area. I just shrugged and decided to find my room on my own. I was too tired to try and drag them somewhere more comfortable. Besides, they looked kind of happy sprawled over each other on the ground. Cute little hobbits. I patted them both on the top of their heads, wished them a goodnight, and walked away.

I woke up sprawled on a bench outside. I'd given up on the room idea and just plunked myself down to nap a few hours ago. Now the sun had risen and taken the world in her warm embrace as the birds trilled with merry greeting to her touch. I wanted to strangle all the little bastards and pull down a blind. I'm not a morning person.

Forcing myself into an upright position with much effort I became highly aware of the sound of waterfalls. I also became aware of their effect on my brimming bladder. I leaped from my seat and began to prance towards the palace in desperation. Please let me make it!

I bolted across an arched bridge and into a door, through a hall, over a couple of startled elves and ran through a door intoa bunch of surprised faces. I'd run into the council meeting and the Fellowship was standing together facing Elrond.

"Another one?" A surprised voice asked.

"You," accused Aragorn. Merry, Pippin and Gimli waved at me.

Gandalf smiled softly, "so that is where my hat has been! I had begun to wonder at its disappearance."

Elrond looked exasperated. "I guess this means you will be joining the fellowship as well?"

For a moment I was completely stunned. So stunned that even my tongue was frozen. But, only for a moment. "Erno. I don't think so."

"Why not?" Asked another elf.

"Why aren't you? Look being shot at by ugly orcs and having Saruman try to turn me into compost, is not what I would call having a happy time. Now, if you'll excuse me, is there a washroom around here?" I began to wiggle in my urgency.

"Washroom?" Someone asked.

"Yes, you'd think after 3 000 and some years elves would have proper plumbing."

"Why would she come on our quest?" Demanded an arrogant voice. I wouldn't have cared excepted the emphasis placed on she. I turned to see it was Boromir, I gave him my best I-am-woman-who-is-blessed-with-the-ability-to-give-man-life-and-if-you-aren't-respectfull-I-will-revoke-that-gift-you-pervy-hobbit-fancier-and-destroyer-of-the-fellowship-look. He looked startled and backed away.

"Impressive," mumbled Gandalf under his breath. Poor Lord Elrond looked startled and the hobbits were clutching at Aragorn and Gandalf.

"Sorry," I mumbled turning red. The others regained their composure and Boromir looked sheepish.

"Your knowledge would prove invaluable to the quest," said Gandalf. "We would be grateful for your company and input."

"Of course my knowledge would be invaluable, I know what's going to happen!" I snapped and continued to wiggle. "There's no way, yes, I'm a coward and proud of it! I can't fight, I'd be dead before we reached Lothlorien!"

Gandalf's eyebrows shot up. "Lothlorien? You don't say."

"We could teach you to defend yourself, and we would protect you as well," Aragorn's silky voice offered.

I laughed, and nearly wet myself. "Look, I've the hand-eye coordination of a rock, and you want to give me a weapon? Ha! And how do you expect to protect Frodo, and me, eh? Hypothetical situation, our company is asleep, we're surrounded by orcs, we wake up but are separated, Frodo is being carried off and an orc has a sword above my headwhat do you do?"

Aragorn looked distressed, but answered plain, "I would save the ring-bearer. All our futures rest on his shoulders." He placed his hand on Frodo's shoulder. The cute little hobbit turned his massive eyes up to the ranger and then back at me.

"No wonder there's so much Frodo/Aragorn slash out there" I mumbled.

"I would come to yourrrr defense!" Gimli vowed hefting his broken axe.

I smiled at him, "Thank you, but I'm still not going. And thank you again for showing me that braid style! It's still in!"

The dwarf seemed to blush. At least I thought he blushed, as there's not much face between helmet and beard to analyze. "You arrrre welcome lass."

"I will help teach you to defend yourself, and at most, to avoid confrontations," a soft rich voice floated through my ears and curled around my brain.

I turned to the speaker and stood ogling with open lust at Legolas Greenleaf.

"juh" I said. My knees were jelly, I think I'd just experienced an instant orgasm.

A slight breeze caused a few loose locks of white gold hair to stir and the light from the sun radiated off porcelain flesh. Dark, mysterious eyes searched mine. My brain chose this moment to go on vacation and left my hormones in charge of my body. Never a good thing. I tried again for speech, but it didn't work. Instead I just pointed, "nuh"

Gandalf suddenly stood in front of me and effectively blocked my view of Legolas.

I growled in resentment.

"Will you not come and fight with us? Will you not join us to defend Middle-Earth from the powers of all consuming darkness?"

"Can't talkpretty elfmust stare," I whispered.

With that, Gandalf took another tactic. He lowered his voice to a whisper, "if you say yes, then, Legolas, will teach you hand to hand combat."

Thoughtful pause as my hormones envisioned this.

"I get to wrestle with the pretty elf?"

"Yes."

"You're a tricky, dirty old man."

"I prefer the term cunning." His eyes crinkled as he smiled down at me.

"Can I keep the hat?"

"No."

"Oh."

"But you get to roll around in the dirt with the pretty elf."

"Damn you."

"Is that a yes then?"

"Argh. But, I can't promise you anything about information."

"That is acceptable." He straightened and addressed the group and let me return to my ogling. "She shall accompany us in our quest!"

Merry, Pip and Gimli seemed pleased, yet confused. Frodo and Sam smiled in greeting and Aragorn nodded. Boromir was sulking and Legolas looked uncomfortable. I guess me staring at him was starting to get unnerving.

"I'd better not get killed."

"I can not promise you anything," was Gandalf's reply.

"Shit."

There was a moment as the company began to make preparations and I tugged on Gandalf's sleeve. "UmGandalf?"

"Yes?"

"Where's the washroom?"

"That way," he pointed.

"Thanx," I breathed in relief and bolted. I was grinning like an idiot as visions of Legolas wrestling danced in myhead. Then my brain decided to make a comment. Why the hell did I agree to this?! My hallucination was taking me on the quest. Crap.

I'm going to die.

*****

***And here part two is complete. Will Legolas be able to hold my attention away from my loins long enough teach me anything? Will Legolas run in fear of me? What will happen when I see the One Ring? Will I get out of the quest? We still don't know who's shagging whom! Where are the naked dancing elves? And can I talk Gandalf into letting me keep the hat?