"Nurgh," I groaned matter-of-factly as someone poked my shoulder repetitively. It was morning. I rolled over and swung my fist in the general direction of my poker. "Lemme alone, I don' wanna ge' up."

My fist hit elf in the general elbow region.

"Julie, it is dawn, you must awaken and prepare for your journey."

"Wha' journey?" I pulled the pillow over my head.

"The fellowship embarks to destroy the One Ring this day." Elrond's voice was patient.

"Oh. Gimmi another hour, 'k?"

"You must arise and prepare or they shall go without you."

"And that's a bad thing? Fine, I'll stay here an' sleep." I pulled the covers up over the pillow to block out the rising sun. "G'night."

"Julie," that was the tone of a father who had raised three children. He yanked back the covers and attempted to confiscate my pillow. But I hung onto that thing in a death grip.

"Julie, let go."

"No."

"Julie, you have to arise."

"I don't want to go."

"Julie, the fate of the free world depends on this."

"So? Go get Frodo up and dressed, I'm sleeping."

"Julie, GET UP AND PREPARE YOURSELF, OR YOU SHALL SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY WRATH!" He boomed.

"Eep?" I was awake, washed, dressed, with my backpack on my shoulder and my staff in my hand standing at the door before he'd exhaled. "I'm good. No need to waste your energy on wrath. What's for breakfast?"

Elrond lead me towards a dinning room where the other members of the fellowship and council were eating. We only had to stop three times for me to point or stare at something. Well, in the one case, some elf.

By the time we arrived I'd gone back to being groggy and disoriented. I walked around for a moment then chose to plunk myself down next to Arwen.

She looked mildly surprised to see me. "Good morning, Jules. It is a glorious dawn to behold."

"If you say so."

"You do not think it so?"

"I hate mornings. I usually avoid them with sleep."

"What an unusual tactic."

"Works for me."

A plate was put before me and I began munching on the assorted fruits and breads. I had a cup of juice and one of milk to go along with my meal. Though, what I truly craved was coffee. I didn't talk to Arwen and I started to notice she seemed a bit uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Excuse me?"

"You seem uneasy."

"I suppose it is that I find it unusual that you have chosen to sit by me this morning."

"Oh. Why?"

"I was under the impression your feelings for me were less than companionable."

"It's not that I don't like you as an elf. It's just your presence causes my muse a problem when trying to explain certainthings."

"Oh?" She asked politely confused.

"Never mind. I'm sitting beside you because I'm not a morning person. The hobbits are far too cheery and I'd probably have to hurt them. Gimli's talking away and I'm not in the mood. Boromir doesn't like me, and Legolas is afraid of me. Elrond and Gandalf are busy entertaining. Besides, I think we spent enough time together last night." I was covered in bruises from my fall from the tree. Nothing serious, since my fall had been broken by the branches on the way down.

After the fall Gandalf had taken back his hat in claims that I was unworthy of its care. I looked in longing at it perched upon his head. I would take it back.

But not right now. "You see? You're the only one who wouldn't overly bug me."

"I see," Arwen murmured thoughtfully.

I finished stuffing myself and leaned back against my chair. Man, I needed coffee. My brain was hazy. Of course, that could be due to my fall from the tree. Or down that ravine when I tripped on Gandalf's staff. Elrond hadn't been happy when I had grabbed his robes and taken them with me in my fall.

At least he got a bath out of it. Since when he came down to retrieve his torn clothing, and myself, he slipped on the bank and into a river. It took Gandalf and I a while to fish him out with the staff.

"What I wouldn't give for that sweet caffinated nectar of the gods."

"What nectar is this of which you speak?" Arwen asked politely as her eyes roamed the room. Looking for Aragorn no doubt.

"Coffee. The only thing that makes mornings worth while."

"Coffee?"

"A drink."

"Oh?"

"Yes, and look, Aragorn's, naked."

Arwen snapped her head back to me, "where?"

"Just checking to see if you were paying attention."

"Oh," disappointment.

"Have you shagged him yet?"

"What?!" Her voice lost that sweetness again and became terror on sound waves.

"Just wondering. Elrond seems to think you did - rather angry about it too. Says he wants to have humans castrated. Can't blame him, we're a pretty single-minded race. Unfortunately, that mind isn't above our shoulders. If it were we'd be much more sensible I'm sure."

Uncomfortable pause.

"So did you? How was he?"

"No we did not," she pouted. "Truth be told, I am becoming frustrated that I have not experience that single-mindedness."

Suddenly my slash loving heart filled with the brilliant light of hope. Aragorn hadn't shagged her, he could be holding back for some elf else! Whoo hoo!

"Why is that you think?" I asked.

"Actually, I think he fears me."

"Well, you could kick his ass. That could be a little unsettling."

"True, but I've always tried to be dainty and lady-like around him."

"So's not to undermine his rugged manly factor?"

"Exactly. I can not see as to where he would feel uncomfortable with me."

"There are times when you do that freaky 3000-year-old-elf-who-could-rip-your-entrails-out-with-her-teeth-and-not-smudge-her-lip-liner thing."

"This is true."

"Maybe you should dye your hair blonde and practice your nancing?"

"My what?"

I opened my mouth to respond but Aragorn walked in then and approached us. I sighed and vacated my chair, as I was not in the mood for lovey dovey elf banter. "I'll see ya later."

I made my way over to the hobbits and noticed that Bilbo was with them. "Hey, how's it going?" I asked.

"G'morning, Jules!" Merry greeted me. Frodo and Sam both said hello and Pippin offered me a sausage.

The environmentalist in me decided to speak to Bilbo in greeting. "You bastard, you made a species extinct! How could you?"

"He would have made us extinct if I had not, my dear girl!"

"Guess so, but you still put a hole in the ecological system."

"The what?"

"The balance of nature, Pip." I may have said more, but at that moment Frodo chose to lean across the table and the One Ring dangled out of his shirt in front of Bilbo.

The sweet old man's face was swallowed into the contortions of evil and greed with pointy green teeth. "My prrrrecccccccioussssssss," he hissed.

Gandalf looked up from where he was seated and found that the top of his head was much cooler. This was do to the fact I was cowering behind him under his hat.

"Wha-?" he questioned.

"Scarry-crazed-old-hobbit-eep-make-it-go-away!"

He and Elrond turned to the hobbits to see Frodo backing away from a shaken Bilbo. Sam had an arm placed protectively around Frodo's shoulders and was looking fiercely at the other.

"Don't scare, Mr. Frodo, like that, Mr. Bilbo, it isn't proper!"

Gandalf looked back at his hat. "Did, Frodo, flash, Bilbo, again-with the ring?"

The hat nodded vigorously as I agreed, "very scary face."

Gandalf sighed, "he should know better. Are you all right?"

The hat shook, "no, traumatized for life, very scared. I need a hug." The hat turned to Legolas who was seated by Elrond. I stretched out my arms from underneath pleadingly, "hold me?"

I couldn't see Legolas' face but the stiffness in his ankles told me he was frozen with fear and uncertainty. What can I say? He has very communicative feet. After a couple of minutes the feet moved and I felt a tentative pat on the hat.

"I think I'm going to cry. He's freaking scary when he does that!" I whined.

The feet became knees, and awkwardly Legolas put his arms around me. "It is past, Bilbo, is well once more," he soothed.

I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed, forcing the air out of his lungs. "Thank you, I feel much better now."

I released and left him gasping on the floor.

"You are most welcome."

"You smell very nice. Sort of cedar like," I commented.

"Thank you?" he replied uncertainly. Aw, he's so cute when he's confused.

I beamed down from under the hat and started to walk away from the pretty elf.

"Hey!" Gandalf called out, "my hat!"

I ran away.

*****

Elrond pulled me out from under a tapestry an hour later. It seemed that it was time that the fellowship departed for MoRRRRRdoRRRRR, and I had to leave Rivendell.

After getting Arwen, Gandalf and Legolas to help him pry me away from a pillar, a statue, through several doors and from a tree, I sat upon Bill the pony. Mainly, because Gimli had tied me there. Damn dwarves and their good knots.

We had to wait by the gate for a bit as Arwen and Aragorn said their farewells. Bilbo bid the hobbits a safe journey. While Elrond smiled sadistically at Aragorn and told him not to trip onto anything sharp.

Then the fellowship was on its way. With Bill and I forced to come along. I figured he'd rather be at home, eating, and staring at a wall too. But I could be wrong. I don't speak pony.

After a while my ass was thoroughly sore and I agreed to not run away if they untied me and let me walk for a bit. I think Bill was greatly relieved as well when Aragorn pulled me off.

We walked for what seemed like eternity. I sulked behind Gandalf as I watched his hat bob while he walked at the head of the group. Finally, we stopped to make camp.

I collapsed in a heap of hobbits and stayed there. Well, we got up to eat supper. But after that, we were out cold for the night. Cuddly hobbits make wonderful insulation. They were also perfect cushions.

Though, when I accidentally rolled onto Frodo in the night, Sam woke me up by biting me. I was very disoriented. But quickly realized the ringbearer might be having trouble breathing with my stomach on his head. So I rolled off him and Sam unclamped his jaw from my ankle.

I had Aragorn put herbs and a bandage on it in the morning since it hurt so much. Those hobbits have very sharp teeth for something so small.

Then, we were off to imminent doom once more. This time I walked with the hobbits since their short strides made it easier for my out-of-shape self to keep up with.

Frodo seemed deeply contemplative today. His soulful eyes were etched with concern and his small shoulders were slumped.

"Frodo, what's up?" I asked.

His beautiful eyes turned my way and I feared for a moment I might get sucked into them and drown in his pupils. "I am deeply concerned."

"Why?"

"I fear for the safety of this fellowship. You have all promised to protect me with your lives so that I may dispose of this great evil. I can not help but feel responsible for all of your well being. For if one of you is to perish, it will be for my sake. I wish I had not received this thing."

"Oh. That why," I mumbled. "Don't worry about it so much. Everyone here, except me, has come on their own accord. If they're dumb enough to get shot by Orcs, it's not your fault, Frodo. It's the ring's."

He reached into his shirt and pulled the chain with the ring out and over his head. He cradled it in his palm and then looked up at me. "Do you truly know what will come of this quest, Julie?"

"Yep."

"Is it worth this bane?"

"Yep. Sauron in charge of Middle-Earth would be rather unpleasant."

"I do not think I can make it through these hardships. I do not want the ring, could you take it?" he thrust his little hand with the ring in it towards me and opened it.

Oh shit. Why does he keep doing this?!

"Ahhh! Don't flash that thing at me! I'm a shallow and gre- oooooooooooohhhhshhhhiiiiinnnnnny," I whispered in awe as the power of the ring enraptured my mind. I think every one of my senses was focused directly on the tiny gold band. I was hypnotized; my brain was being sucked into the metal. I could literally feel the great power and smell the reek of blood and doom radiating off the gold in a blaze. I could see a fire of power and hatred reflected in its depths as it consumed my heart. Me want.

Then I heard a deep voice whispering something in elvish. I frowned. "I can't speak crack-elf."

The voice seemed to become irritated and it grew louder.

"What are you saying? If you'd speak proper english and not mutter, then I might be able to understand, and do your evil biding! As of now you're just irritating me."

The voice took on an exasperated tone and continued to mumble.

"I told you, I don't know what you're saying!"

Whisper, whisper, mumble, whisper.

"What?!"

WHISPER, MUMBLE, WHISPER!!!!!

"I don't understand you! Enunciate!"

The ring gave me a silence of frustration.

"Argh. You know you're not as good at seducing people as I thought you were. You almost had me with your pretty shiny looks, but you lost me when you opened your mouth."

The ring glared at me with defiance and seemed to glow a little.

"I think living with Gollum for so long has effected you. But it could just be that you have no actual mouth"

The ring turned its consciousness' back on me.

"I guess having a master that's been reduced to a giant burning eyeball could be a little irksome and damaging to one's self esteem. Especially since Sauron was apparently quite the looker before. Now he's just an eye. Tell me, how is he supposed to wield you? You're a ringhe's an eyewhere's the fingers?"

The ring seemed daunted by that.

"I thought so," I tore my eyes off the ring and saw that the entire fellowship was staring at me. "What?"

"I believe this is the first that anyone has questioned, or held an argument, with the Ring of Power," Gandalf murmured.

"Crack-elf?" Legolas questioned softly.

Frodo was still trying to drown me with his eyes, "will you take it?"

"No!' I exclaimed with feeling. "If it can figure out how to speak with me, it will command me, and I will wrestle you for it. And Sam will kill me. As my will is as strong as my attention is long. And, Frodo, you've got to stop asking random people if they want the One Ring, 'k?"

Frodo nodded and slipped the ring back around his neck. Soon the fellowship was moving again. But not before I discretely parted Gandalf with his hat.

***There's part four. What terrors will befall the fellowship at my hands? Will the ring continue to sulk? Will Gandalf reclaim his hat? Will the warrior-male bonding begin? And there's still naked-dancing elves to be found. Isn't there?