We trudged, nanced, skipped, stalked and walked onwards.

"something that is green."

"Grass?"

"Nope."

"Tree?"

"No."

"Gollum?" I asked.

The hobbits stared at me before looking suspiciously around the forest.

"No," whispered Pippin.

"Oh! I know! Legolas' tunic!" Exclaimed Merry. The elf turned his head at the sound of his name and glanced down at us from the tree he was currently leaping through.

"Yes!"

"My turn!" Merry chirped.

"No it's not, you went before Pippin, it's Mr. Frodo's turn." Sam stated.

"Sam, 'tis fine, let Merry go."

"But it's your turn, Mr. Frodo."

"It is not, it's mine!"

A scuffle of hobbits began and I paused in my trudging to watch. The other members of the fellowship paused as well.

"My money's on, Pippin," said Gimli.

"Mine's on, Merry," Boromir countered.

"Carrrre to make a wagerrrr?"

"Sure,"

"Put me down for, Sam," I added.

"Pippin," Legolas chimed in.

"Sam," Aragorn inserted.

"Pippin," said Frodo. We looked at him in question, "well, he bites."

"Boromir."

We all turned to stare at Gandalf.

"Me?"

"Because you're going to make them stop and continue our journey."

"Oh."

I placed my hand comfortingly on his shoulder and patted, "better you than me. Good luck."

After about twenty minutes of cursing and screaming and well-placed teeth, the hobbits were separated and Boromir had received medical attention. Poor guy. Good thing he wore so many layers.

I realized that during this time my head had become more revealed. I turned to glare at Gandalf who was readjusting his hat. He looked back at me with feigned innocence and started walking again.

The rest of us fell into line after him.

"I wonder when we'll stop for tea?"

"Probably won't, Pip."

"Tea would be nice." I said.

"With scones and butter."

"Cookies."

"Biscuits."

"Jam."

"Toast."

"A five decker club sandwich with fries and a piece of chocolate suicide cake for dessert."

"I don't know what that isbut it all sounds good," Pippin whispered in longing.

"Would you three speak of anything other than food for ten minutes?" Sam demanded from Frodo's side.

The silence continued for a good five minutes before Pippin spoke up again. "Oh! Merry, I got some of that oil you like from the elves and a new carrot."

I tripped on my staff and did a face plant into the ground. The hobbits all gathered around my sprawled, prone form in worry.

"Jules, are you all right?" Frodo's soft voice inquired.

"'m okay," I reassured them.

"Will you be getting up then?"

"Yep. Just need a moment."

"Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yep. Peachy."

"Are you injured?"

"No. Just guilty of very bad thoughts is all. Embarrassed too."

"Bad thoughts?" Asked Merry.

"Oilpervy-hobbit fanciersI'm a horrid person. To take Pippin's innocent remark in the wrong way."

"Wrong way?"

I sat up and was a lovely shade of beet. "The dirty way."

"Oh, well we always wash the carrot before we insert it."

My face froze into an expression of combined horror and fascination. "What way did you intend that carrot?"

"A sexual one," Pippin beamed.

I continued to stare at the space before me in mute amazement. So it was true. I felt sodirty. And it wasn't just ground.

"Is everything well back there?" Aragorn's clear voice demanded from ahead.

"Oh, fine! I just got a new perspective on hobbit culture is all."

The hobbits helped me to my feet and we took up the pace again.

"Isn't a carrot a bit large?"

"We do exercises."

"Oh."

"Do you think Boromir might be interested?" Merry asked hopefully.

"Probably."

"Really?"

"Yep. What kind of exercises, exactly?"

*****

The fellowship was taking a little break just before we left the woods. Gandalf and I seemed to be the only ones sitting as the others had all vanished.

"So."

"So"

"Nice day?"

"Lovely."

"Bill seems well."

"He does."

"Can I hav-"

"No."

"Oh."

Profound thoughtful silence.

"Want to spy on the others?"

Gandalf grinned wickedly, "yes."

We rose to our feet and crept into the forest. "You're a tricky, dirty old man."

"Cunning, my dear, it's cunning."

As we lurked through the underbrush we heard a noise. Swiftly, I pressed my back against a tree and attempted to blend in, while Gandalf became inconspicuous in a bush.

We stayed frozen in place for a good few minutes before we heard the noise again. To my ears it sounded suspiciously like someone crying out 'oh, Mr. Frodo,' but I could have been wrong.

I made eye contact with Gandalf's eyebrows. He nodded. Together we dropped to the ground and crawled forward until we came upon the source of the noise.

WelI, it seems my ears were right.

"It seems hobbits are very flexible," my partner in grime whispered.

"Indeed," I replied. "Is that why they're kind of bow legged?"

"Maybe, all that force must take its toll."

"They do exercises."

"You don't say?"

Our eyes were glued to the two hobbits copulating wildly before us.

"Though, I always thought Frodo would be bottom"I mumbled.

"The power to resist the one ring must arise from a great power within."

"And that power would be the thrusting power of a Trojan stallion?"

"It would seem so."

"God, I'd hate to be on the receiving end of Sauron then."

"Seriously, especially with that metal fetish of his."

"Urgh," I agreed.

Then we heard footsteps approaching. We both flattened ourselves to the ground and I held my breath. The sound of heavy feet moving quickly grew in volume. My mind clenched in fear. What could it be? I glanced nervously at Gandalf. Should we warn the hobbits? They were a little pre-occupied to detect any danger right now.

The feet drew closer to our position. I could hear branches snap and leaves rustle as the beast approached. I tightened my grip on my staff and noticed Gandalf's hand slip to the hilt of his sword. The creature must be massive judging by the sound it made as it crashed through the foliage.

Then it burst through the bushes directly to the left of us and started towards the hobbits. My eyes at last beheld the creature in all it's loathing. It was a stout thing covered in a thick mat of flaming hair with corded muscles. It's only covering was a metal helmet.

Gandalf's hand clamped over my mouth was the only thing that ceased me from screaming in sheer terror at the sight of a naked dwarf. He dragged me away weeping and babbling until we were out of earshot of the hobbits.

"Wrong! That was so wrong!" I wailed burrowing my face in his robes. "Make it go away! I'm traumatized! Marked for life!"

He patted me reassuringly on the shoulder, "there, there now. I share in your terror. For that image has been engraved upon my eyes for all of eternity and shall haunt me in the nightmare realms."

We stood there clutching at each other for comfort and tried to think of effective and painless ways to wipe the image from our memories and gouge out our eyes. So far we hadn't come up with anything effective or that wasn't excessively painful or messy.

After a while my arms were cramped and Gandalf needed to wring out his robes. So we pulled ourselves together and walked away from the direction Gimli had been. Distracted as we were I would have walked into the clearing if Gandalf hadn't grabbed my shoulder and yanked me behind the bushes.

I stared at him in dumb confusion a moment before following his gaze. There in the clearing were Merry, Pippin, Boromir and a pie.

"Oh dear," I whispered. "Wonder how long it takes to get him out of all that?"

"With two helpers, I wouldn't say very long."

"You know, Boromir's not so bad under all those layers"

"A little pale wouldn't you say?"

I glared at the wizard accusingly. "You aren't Mr. Suntan yourself."

"Hmph."

We watched silently a moment before a furrow of confusion crossed my brow. "UmGandy?"

"Yes?"

"What are they doing?"

"Well, when a man loves a womanor a manor an elf, hobbit or dwarf for that matter. Even an Orc, goblin, or wizard too, and sometimes it is not love, just plain old lust, but"

"Yes, yes, I know what they're DOOOOing, but what are they doing?"

"Quite franklyI have no idea."

"Is the pie supposed tooh, wow."

"Astounding."

"I had no idea that was possible, wouldn't it hurt?"

"I should think so."

We watched in fascination for a time as the hobbits continued their aerobic pie erotica with Boromir. Eventually it reached a point where the laws of physics were being ignored and I had to withdraw in envy.

Gandalf and I quietly scurried back and continued on our walk.

"Well, that is not something one sees every century," he murmured.

"I'm in awe."

"As am I, that sort of thing takes skill. I begin to wonder if I have underestimated that fool of a Took."

I was still floored. I mean how did they? To get it at that angle, I meanand the force requiredand how did they move so fast? Or twist around like that? It was impossible!

"Do not try to analyze it, dear girl. Some things just are as they are."

"Bu-"

"I know."

"Wh-"

"It just is."

"It ca-"

"I will be baffled by that one for at least a decade."

His arm abruptly darted out and my face walked into it. "Wait."

"Ow." I stated.

He put his finger to his lips and then gestured forwards and upwards. I followed his finger and peered up into the canopy above us. Nothing. I looked back at Gandalf questioningly. Eh?

He motioned for me to follow silently. I shrugged and did. We passed a couple of trees before he positioned himself under a branch and pointed up. I followed suit and gazed into the intertwining limbs of the giant tree.

The sun's soft rays were dancing off the bright green leaves and casting shadows within the grooves of the bark. The fresh smell of the forest filled my nostrils and the essence of timeless growth filled my soul. The bright trilled orchestra of birds and the heated moans of men caressed my ears.

I blinked in astonishment and refocused my gaze up the tree.

"Oh," I whispered in wonder as I noticed a pair of legs dangling from a branch. The other pair were wrapped around said branch and others legs. "That's got to be uncomfortable."

Gandalf gestured to his ear frantically and I shut my mouth. Elven hearing is sharpeven when it's filled with Aragorn's moans and screams.

Man, Arwen's going to kick some serious ass when this quest was done!

"Oh! Legolas! Yes!"

"Aragorn!"

I glanced at Gandalf, he shrugged. I could feel the tree shake a little in rhythm to the grunts above and I found it hard not to giggle. But I realized silence was but a small price to pay to avoid a furious elf and ranger.

I just wished I could see what was going on, and not just feel it second hand through a tree and hear it. I suddenly wondered what the tree was thinking. Gandalf tapped my shoulder and gestured that we should be away. I pouted and followed him back towards where the pony was parked.

"Wouldn't it be weird for an elf to have sex in a tree? What with them being able to talk to them and all."

A smile lit up the wizard's face and he paused by a tree and placed his hand upon it. "She says that Legolas is topping Aragorn, and that they're close right now to climax."

"Really? How does she know?"

"A tree's roots are a wonderful gossip line. These ones run deep."

He was silent a moment then exclaimed, "Oh!"

"What?"

"Aragorn just came, she said she felt him spill on her."

"Ew."

"No, it's great nutrient for the soil."

"Oh."

"And the pretty elf just came too. Now they're cuddling apparently," Gandalf with drew his hand.

"Aw," I cooed.

We walked back to find Bill munching happily on the grass. Oh, the hardships of pony life. We plunked ourselves down and grinned from ear to ear as each member of the fellowship returned. Soon we were back on our way to Doom. But not before I snatched Gandalf's hat.

***There, that's part five. I'm amazed this Java-Sue has stayed alive so long! Will I keep the hat? Will I survive the mines of Moria? And I believe that I'm owed some dancing elves.