I yanked and tugged at Bill's harness in attempts to make the pony budge. "Are you sure you aren't part mule?"

Bill snorted and twitched his ear with an offended air.

I stood and glared at the stubborn creature. He glared back just as determined.

The rest of the company sat lounging on a big rock, frolicking and debating which route to take to MoRRRRRRRdoRRRRRRR. While Gandalf had sent me to fetch Bill. The pony had wandered off when Sam dropped his tether in a skirmish with Pippin. So far I had chased after him, and he had dragged me around a bit. Right now we were standing in ankle high muck in a stalemate. I was not letting go, and he was coming with me.

Bill, on the other hand, had decided that he wasn't moving and that I was letting go.

So much for compromise.

"Look, if you come with me, I'll give you one of Pip's carrots."

He snorted in insult.

"Yeah, I wouldn't take produce from either of those hobbits after what I've seen either. But it was worth a shot. How about getting, Sam, to give you a rub down?"

Bill seemed to mull that one over a minute before snorting his refusal.

I decided to take desperate measures. "What if I get, Sam, and, Legolas, to give you a rub down? Though, I think that's highly unfair since, Legolas, won't give me one."

Bill seemed to be interested. But still refused to budge.

"What more could you want?" I demanded irritably.

He eyed the pointy hat.

I gasped and clutched it to my head, "no! Get your own. Look, I was nice and made you some fair offers, but you're just being greedy now. Tough. Rot out here and break Sam's heart. I'm going back. And why the hell am I having a conversation with a pony in the middle of nowhere?"

I turned and began trudging towards the rest of the company. Soon I heard the defeated clomp of hooves follow. Serves him right.

Just then the cast of Alfred Hitchcock's Birds made an appearance overhead. Bill and I attempted to camouflage into the open field, but it didn't seem to work, as the black cloud swiveled above and retreated.

I'd wondered how they had spotted the fellowship before. "Damn it, Bill, this is all your fault."

He hung his head in shame. I felt bad. "Okay, it's our fault." I continued to grumble about stubborn ponies and my insanity until I was within elf shot of the big rock.

"Jules! Make ready, we head for Caradhras!" Gandalf bellowed.

"Great."

We set out to freeze our asses off in a snow bank.

*****

So this is what it feels like to have a snow bank fall on your head. My attempts at keeping the rest of the company at a comfortable distance from myself failed. Mostly because it was bloody cold. Since Gandalf had taken his hat back, claiming he needed it to warm his ears, mine were unpleasantly numb. If the hobbits were getting to cuddle to share body warmth, so was I, damn it.

Legolas didn't seem to share my enthusiasm though. So Gimli and I huddled with Bill while the pretty elf put as much distance between him and I as he could. After a while I realized that his nifty ability to walk on snow was rather irritating. Gimli agreed. We took solace out of hitting him repeatedly with snowballs and a few lembas wafers for good measure. Those things have great velocity while frozen solid.

When Gandalf started to chant to the clouds with his arms raised I tried my best to flee. But, it's very hard to run away screaming when you're waist high in snow, with a pony in your way and a dwarf around your legs.

So now I stood buried under the snow. It was dark, suffocating and most importantly cold. Now, I was going to be wet and cold. My current view on the world was that there's nothing worse than having cold wet snow in your underwear. Well, okay, having Gollum in your underwear could be marginally worse. But just marginally.

Eventually, Legolas dug Bill and I out. Gimli managed on his own somehow. I guess being a dwarf he had some sort of instinct for direction. I on the other hand am lost as soon as I fall out of bed in the morning.

I glared with feeling at the mountain as the fellowship began arguing over which root to take.

"Let the ringbearer decide!" Gandalf declared.

"Yeah, you don't want the responsibility of getting our asses fried, so you dump it on the innocent hobbit," I muttered to myself.

Legolas turned his head sharply and stared at me. I looked innocently back at him while Frodo answered. I decided now was the appropriate time to make an exit.

"All right, we get down from the mountain and then I leave, okay? I've obviously proven my uselessness to you all. So, I think I should head back to Rivendell"

The members of the fellowship all stared at me blankly.

"JULIE!" Gandalf boomed. The rest cowered in the snow. "YOU SHALL CEASE YOUR CHILDISH COMPLAINTS AND CONTINUE FORWARD!"

Normally I'd be huddled in a nice puddle of babbling fear. But quite frankly the thought of that cave troll was enough to make me a bit bolder. "Umno, I really don't think so, and we're going backward."

"JULIE!" The fury of impatience sizzled off the man making the snow around him steam. I could feel his power as the hairs on my arms rose. The other members of the fellowship seemed to have mysteriously vanished.

The present fear of Gandalf was still being overridden by my vivid imagination and the threat of the future fear in the Mines of Moria. What would a bunch of Orcs do to a girl like me? I mean, I'm not as pretty as Legolas. But, after looking at something as ugly as they were, what would they think of me? Hell, were there female Orcs? Urgh.

"No way."

"You will journey with us."

"No, I won't."

"There is not time for us to return you to Rivendell. With your knowledge, I can not leave you to roam the country alone, not with Saruman's spies out there."

"I'll find my own way. There's absolutely no way you're getting me into that mine!"

*****

I glared spitefully at Aragorn's boot. Damn elves, men, hobbits, dwarves and their tackling and hog-tying techniques. Though I wouldn't be here, tied and gagged on the ground, if Sam hadn't dived and tripped me. I'd managed to run and dodge the others until then. It wasn't until I was planted face first into a snow bank that Legolas managed to get my arms behind my back. Then Boromir, Merry and Pippin got my legs while Gimli and Aragorn tied me up.

Now I was lying on my stomach listening to Gandalf curse the doorway and watch the stupid hobbit skipping stones over the scary spider. Lucky Bill was allowed to go home. He stuck his tongue out at me when he left too, lucky bastard.

"Fphnd!" I started to wiggle and yell frantically as I noticed the water ripple. "Pha, ahm phaphrd ih Fphnd!"

Gandalf sat down in a huff as the others sat around leisurely.

I was screaming and gyrating on the ground, "FPHND! FPHND! FPHEND! FPHND! FPHND! PHA PHUK AKE IH FPHND!" My god, I was going to have an aneurysm here.

The rest of the fellowship had turned to watch me with fascination as I bounced and screamed.

"Why is she so distraught?" Legolas whispered in concern to Aragorn.

He shook his head, "Gandalf, perhaps we should unbind her? I fear she may induce injury upon herself."

"FPHND!" I replied. My eyes wide as I looked at the door, to the lake, to them and back.

"Perhaps we should remove the gag?" Boromir questioned.

Legolas looked distressed. "I will not place my hand near her mouth again."

"Good point," the others agreed.

I just continued with the jerking about and screaming in desperation. It made me feel much better.

"Wait!" Frodo called out. The others turned their full attention to the little hobbit.

"Phout phukn phah," I grumbled as the door swung open.

"Friendwas that what you were saying?" Aragorn asked as he tossed me over his shoulder and entered the mine.

"Pheph." I could see the water rippling as we walked away. Couldn't he move any faster? I was not going to be nasty beasty chow! There was only room for one jailbait in this fellowship. And that was Frodo.

We finally got into the Mine and Aragorn set me on the steps as their eyes adjusted to the light. Gimli was trying to impress Legolas with tales of grandeur. The only light was that from the moon outside, it gave the cavern an eerie blue glow. I sneezed a couple times from the dust that was being disturbed by our presence. There was also a distinct odor. It spoke of mold, ancient memories, and above all emptiness. It suddenly became apparent to the rest of the fellowship that there would be no welcoming committee. As they were busy decomposing on the stairs.

"This is not a mine, it's a tomb!"

Gimli started to wail and I was doing my best to get Gandalf's attention. All I really managed was to fall on my side and roll off the stairs.

"Get out! Now!"

They all started to run out, Gandalf and Gimli turned to grab me, but I was shaking my head wildly. "Pho!"

"Release her," Gandalf commanded as he ripped off my gag. Gimli severed the ties that held me. Then they turned to flee.

I sat stubbornly back on the steps.

Gandalf whirled around and stared at me, "what are you doing, you fool? We must leave at once!"

"There's no way you're getting me out of this mine through that entrance!" I shrieked back.

"What do you mean?! We couldn't get you in. and now you don't want to leave? Whatoh." A look of blatant realization appeared on Gandalf's features.

The fellowship turned to stare at me in confusion.

I'd lost my ability to make coherent sentences as I watched a huge tentacle raise from the water behind them. "Nahbladathbahbig! Many testicles-er-tepti-er-termpl-er-BIG TEETH!" I screamed waving my arms frantically.

Another tentacle freed itself from their watery bed and hovered in the air, searching. "Eep!" I pointed wildly.

Aragorn exchanged looks with Legolas and Boromir. "Do you think the stress has affected her judgement?"

"It could well be so," Legolas answered.

"Though, she was always a bit queer to begin with," Boromir stated.

"Ahhhh!" I screamed.

"Frodo!"

The tentacle found the jailbait. While the rest of the fellowship rescued the ringbearer from death by plaque build up, I walked up and sat at the top of the stairs. They ran in, the door fell down, and there were some nice touchy feely moments of making sure everyone was all right. Gandalf turned on the nightglow option of his staff and they took attendance.

"Where is, Jules?" Pip asked in alarm.

"Julie?" Gandalf called out in worry.

"Up here," I waved at them from my perch. I felt all gushy when I saw the look of genuine relief on their faces to see me alive. "I think we should be off. I really don't want to stay down here long." My mind took me back a few minutes to something Boromir had said. As the rest of the fellowship climbed the stairs I took up the pace at his side. "You're calling me queer? Honey, I think we need to straighten something out-no pun intended."

***That's all for now. The main question of the hour is, are there female orcs? And can I get the hat before the Balrog does?