"Let us hope our presence may go unnoticed." As Gandalf gave his little motivational speech, I gave the darkness my best yeah-right-you know-that's-going-to-happen-look, mingled with a little bitter hatred. When I turned back I noticed that Gandalf had seen my expression and was in turn wearing one of mild hysteria.

"I have a question. Since it no longer will interfere with plot development, I see no reason why I can't ask. Why didn't we all ride horses out of Rivendell? It would have been so much faster."

"Not necessarrrily." Rolled Gimli from the front. "Dwarrrves and horrrses do not mix extrrrrorrrrdinarrrilly well."

"We could have buddied upyou could have ridden behind Legolas or something."

I was put in the crossfire of three horrified glances. One of insult from Gimli, one of fear from Legolas, and one of jealousy from Strider. "Uhnever mind?"

"A dwarrrrf, rrrride with an elf! Prrrroposterrrrouse!"

"I would have said that about an elf in a mine not too long ago," purred Legolas.

Gimli looked thoughtful, "'tis trrrrue at that, masterrrr elf, a grrrreat step has been taken that you would lowerrrrr yourrrself frrrrom yourrrr trrrrees and enterrr the mYines of MoRRRRia."

I giggled. Both the dwarf and elf gave me odd expressions. "Sorry, I know you're overcoming years of hatred and all, but I can't help it. Going a little claustrophobic I think."

As we trudged on I couldn't help but whisper, "mYines of Morrria," and giggle.

We walked through the hollow darkness of the mine until we reach the steep slope of stairs leading to the next passageway in the rocks. "Why on earth did they have to carve these steps so steep? It's more of a ramp than staieeeeeahhhh!" I screamed and felt my heart lurch into my stomach as I tripped and nearly fell.

Thank god Legolas was there. He was damned good at catching people. "Thank you," I whispered.

"It was nothing,"

"But thank you anyway, I believe I am discovering a whole new fear of heights."

"We shall see that you do not fall." He squeezed my hand and flashed a reassuring smile.

"Oh, it's not the falling I'm afraid ofit's the abrupt stop at the end. Very messy."

Legolas smiled softly. His alabaster skin reflecting the soft light of Gandalf's staff as his hair shimmered silver. The sparkle in his eye enhanced his mirth. And I had to admit; I did feel much better - even though I knew doom was at hand with lots of arrows and a pet troll.

"Thank you, Legolas."

"What for?"

"For being so damned pretty. Having you to look at helps me forget the insanity and impending doom."

"You are welcome?"

We continued up the stairs until we reached the top. Gandalf paused and looked baffled. "I do not remember this place"

"That happens as we get older, and smoke weed."

They company stared at me.

"Well, it's true."

"Do you know which way we must descend?"

I sighed in resignation. I really couldn't remember. "Honestly, I don't know. If I did I'd tell youbut for the life of me I can't think of it."

"That is what occurs when we become cocky, and smoke weed."

I stuck out my tongue at the gray pilgrim. He returned the gesture with as much grace. So I thumbed my nose at him. And he was about to make another face, but Legolas called us to order.

"Children, which way are we to travel? I do not like to linger long here."

"I am not a-" Gandalf began. Legolas raised an eyebrow. "Hmph." He turned and sulked on a rock. So the rest of us flopped down and waited.

After about an hour Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas had pulled out their pipes and were relaxing. While Gimli, the Hobbits and I were engaged in a rousing game of truth or dare. Frodo had just taken the dare option and was looking deeply concerned.

"But, I'm not sure it would be a wise course of action to poke Sauron in the eye the next time I see himor his eye that issince I have never truly beheld his true visage."

"You chose dare. You're committed now."

He sighed deeply and nodded, "all right, I shall do as you ask."

"It's my turn now!" Chirped Pippin.

"No it's not, it's Mr. Frodo's!" Sam countered.

"Actually, Sam, I think it's Merr-" they began to shove each other. "Oh never mind."

Frodo, Gimli and I watched the furry ball of legs and fists with casual interest.

"Do I rrrreally have to wearrrr that pink skirrrrt?"

"Yes, Gimli."

"This will tarnish my rrrreputation, lass!"

"You took the dare...I must say, I'm not happy with having to kiss Gollum on the cheek, if we ever meet." I shuddered. Urgh.

Suddenly Frodo looked like a spooked deer and took off towards Gandalf.

"Merry? I'm hungry." Stated Pippin.

"Damn it," I cursed I looked down the stairs in search of the little slime demon.

"What is it?" Demanded Sam as the hobbit heap unrolled.

"Gollum. He's been following us for three days."

I was rewarded with a look of profound sympathy from all present. Squaring my shoulders I took a deep breath and began to descend the stairs. Suddenly Boromir was there with a hand staying my shoulder.

"Don't do it, you are too young to suffer such a fate."

"I'm a girl of my word, Boromir."

"But this is not worth itsurely there is another way? Can they not retract the dare, or perhaps substitute another?"

"That's not the way the rules work. My honor is at stake, my friend. If I don't returnwell, there's not really anything you can do."

The look in his eyes was that of respect. "You are a braver soul than I, child. I wish you haste and luck." He gave my shoulder a squeeze and the hobbits and Gimli looked forlorn as I began my descent.

As I cautiously made my way down the steps I could hear the conversation above me. Legolas and Aragorn had come to join the others.

I made out Aragorn's clear, resonate voice. "Where is she going?"

"She must taste the vile cheek of rot," Boromir whispered sadly.

"We dared her to kiss, Gollum, and she's going to do it!" Pip exclaimed.

"WHAT?!" screeched Legolas in pure horror. "Aragorn! You must stop her! Who knows what that pitiful creature carries?"

I could see said pitiful creature now cowering in the shadows. Well, I could see the large eyes and hear him breathing and mumbling.

"Uhhello? Are you going to bite off a part of me if I come any closer?"

"My precccccciousssssssss." He hissed.

"I know, I knowyou want the ring from the evil hobbit. But, do you think of anything else?"

"It came to meI wantsss my precccccciousssssss, sklurb, bluubble, hiss."

"That's nice. Could you come over here a minute?"

He squealed and scrambled back into the shadow.

"No wonder you're alone" I waved my hand before my face as the stench of decaying fish reached me. "Ew."

"I wantsss my precccciousssss, mean, nasty hobbitsssss. Sssstole my-"

"Yes, I know. Now come here."

"I wantsss-"

"I don't care. I have a dare to keep. Now, COME HERE!"

He swayed a bit and tried again, "My-"

"GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU INBREED SWAMP SPONGE SO I CAN BLOODY WELL KISS YOU!"

He screamed and ran. Naturally, I picked up my staff and ran screaming after him.

"Gandalf! Jules, is scaring Gollum!"

"What on Arda? JULIE, RETURN HERE AT ONCE AND LEAVE THE POOR CREATURE BE!" Gandalf boomed making Gollum and I freeze in mid stride.

"ButI have a dare,"

"There's no need to terrorize the wildlife to see it through."

"Bu-"

"No."

I feigned to turn, but abruptly dived forward, held my breath and planted my lips on the gooey creature's cheek. Then withdrew. Both of us ran screaming and retching in the opposite direction. While Gandalf just shook his head.

"Wow, she actually did it!" Boromir grinned.

Legolas shuddered convulsively and hid behind Aragorn. While the rest stared in admiration and disgust.

"The poor thing," whispered Merry.

"Which one, Gollum, or, Jules? Ow!"

"Fool of a Took."

"Well, you need to be specific!"

"I think she may be in shock" mumbled Aragorn.

"Then I think you should go down and fetch her." Gandalf stated.

"Nyeh"I stuttered.

"Ah! It's this way."

"He's remembered!"

"No, but the air smells less foul down here. When in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose."

"Nurgheep."

*****

"Wow."

That was the extent of my vocabulary as I gazed up in open wonder at the bridge. The pillars rose above us to disappear into the inky darkness above. I felt a little insignificant compared to their massive strength and beauty. As I started in open wonder Gimli began running.

Shit.

"And this is were I get my ass shot full of arrows. Let the panic and screaming begin." I mumbled as we followed the fool of a dwarf.

We entered the tomb and I started to look for a place to hide as Gimli began to wail. Oh! That corner looked nice and cozy. I quickly made myself at home behind a pillar in the corner.

"We must move on. We can not stay here."

"Listen to the elf! Pippin, I hate you!"

I heard the crash.

"Fool of a Took!"

"Bugger. Too late then."

The drums began and Boromir ran to the door. I winced when I heard the arrows slam into the wood and splinter it. "Missed you that time" Good thing no one was actually listening to me.

The door was closed and barred.

"They have a cave troll." The sarcasm was beautiful.

"Ha!" I cried out.

Then the screaming began. Okay, it was mainly me huddled in terror until the big ugly ass troll lumbered in and I think I wet myself.

Thankfully, the other members of the fellowship were keeping the nasty critters occupied by slaughtering them, so I went unnoticed. I heard the screams as Frodo got the wind knocked out of him. And then the next thing I knew Gandalf was yelling for me and we were running.

If it were at all possible I would have become Aragorn's next layer of skin. As it was I was pretty damned close to it. I ran until my sides burnedand I could see all those scary orc-types surrounding us. Suddenly we stopped, my heart was beating in my mouth and I'd never been so frightened in all my life. They were twisted beyond anything my nightmares could dredge up. And I can tell you, my nightmares are damned good at dredging. They reeked or decay and stagnant flesh.

I would be on the floor crying my eyes out if not for my instinct to live.

We were standing in a circle, I found myself at Gandalf's side. One hand on my staff, the other on his arm absorbing his support.

"Sohow long does that thing stay charged for?" I whispered.

Then it happened. The orc's suddenly looked around in confusion. I could feel the vibrations of energy flowing through the stone itself and into my bones. My skin broke into goose bumps and my poor heart was fluttering in black terror.

The Orc's took flight. The fellowship looked confused and pleased. I hugged Gandalf's arm in fright.

He closed his eyes, searching. I watched the fear, sorrow and determination come to his face as he found it. I gently squeezed his arm as our eyes met and an understanding passed.

"Big nasty, demon of terror, Melkor's pet?" I whispered.

"A Balrog." He addressed the other members of the fellowship. And we ran like hell. On the up side I was getting into shape with all this fleeing in blind terror and such.

We tore through the archway and paused long enough for Strider to rip Boromir off of Legolas. Gandalf said something about the bridge of Khazad-Dum being near. I strained my eyes out over the huge gaping chasm to make out the bridge.

"Umthat's near?" I demanded as I was swept along for more running. "Urghcramp." I hissed as a stitch appeared inconveniently in my side.

"We must keep going!" Boromir yelled.

"No motivation neededI have no desire to be in a BBQ served with HP sauce, on an orc arrow."

"Good motivation!" Cried Merry.

"What is it with dwarves and stairs!? Where are the railings?! And you know what I'd really like to know? Why the hell didn't, Elrond, just pick up and toss, Isildur, into the damned fiery crack of doom? I mean, it would have stopped evil from threatening middle-earth and his daughter wouldn't be giving up her mortality for a ranger with a pointy ear fetish! No offense, Aragorn."

"I have not the time to take it now!"

My panting was beginning to interfere with my speech so I gave up and simply focused on running. Until the gapping hole in the stairs appeared. And I realized I was afraid of heights. A lot.

Legolas leapt over the chasm with the grace of silk in a summer's breeze. Damn pretty elf. Why does he do everything so well? Just once I'd like to knock him on his ass. Gandalf took the jump, and Aragorn threw me over next, after some kicking and screaming and prayer. Legolas managed to catch me just before I plummeted to my death. Thank god for elves!

I ran to the far side and waited for Aragorn and Frodo to make their jump. Even though I knew they'd make itI found myself chewing on my heart. The fact that the damned nasty critters were shooting at us and I could hear the soft buzz of arrows in passing, wasn't helping me any either.

I closed my eyes as the slab of stairs started to sway. But, to my relief I heard the cheers of the fellowship and then the running began once more.

I nearly slid as I took a corner hard but managed to right myself and charge onto the bridge. Finally, we all arrived safely on the other side. Except for Gandalf.

I held my breath and gnawed on my lip as the Balrog made its appearance. I felt the heat of it singe my hair, as tendrils of flame soared and danced away from the black void of it's form. I noticed my knees were literally clattering together. And that damned cramp was getting worse.

Gandalf stood tall illuminated by a white light against the dark of the Balrog. The Fool of a wizard.

"Thou shall not pass!"

Why is it that big demons of the deep always think they can do what ever they want?

I watched as it crashed like a brick through a window and sank into the darkness below. Gandalf turned, and I started forward. "Gandy, look out for the-!"

Too late. He lost his balance and fell. Frodo ran forward but was restrained by one of the pervy-hobbit fanciers. Aragorn looked lost. I on the other hand was no about to loose my hat. So I dived forward and grabbed onto the damned wizard - much to his surprise as he was letting go of the ledge at the time.

"I hate physics," I grumbled as Gandalf's weight pulled me down with him. "Why does gravity have to be such a bitch? And I hope you're both satisfied." I made sure to give adequately withering glares to both Gandalf and the Balrog in our descent.

***And so ends another part of the Java-Sue. I'd just like to say, I did take quotes directly from the movie, so now they aren't mine. And to Dark Eyesworry not. For I haven't forgotten the naked dancing elves.