Galadriel stood looking out over Lothlorien but her gaze was in fact turned inward. So much strife that only she could see followed the Fellowship. Theirs was a heavy burden to bear. The ache in her heart that the small hobbit would suffer so was more poignant mixed with the grief of Mithrandir's loss. Withdrawing from the visions that swirled in her mind the Lady of the Wood became aware of a presence at her back. Turning, her eyes widened in wonder at the sight before her.

There was her loyal guard, Haldir, looking extremely agitated. At his side stood a short human female carrying a charred staff. And she was wearing Gandalf's hat.

"Wow, you're really shiny," I said. "You wouldn't happen to have any predictions on the lottery for when I get out of here, now would you? Exactly how much bleach do you pour into the environment each year? Or do all elves poses a natural dirt-repellant?"

"A scouting group found her wandering the woods. They thought it pertinent to bring her before you, as she claims to bear news of Mithrandir." Haldir announced.

"How could one bear news of those gone past hearing's range?"

"Well, I don't bear news so to speak."

"Then why have you deceived us?"

"Deceived you?"

"You claimed to have news to gain entrance to my council, and yet now you claim otherwise. Where did you get that hat child?"

"Well, it was Gandalf's, but he told me he wouldn't need it anymore since it doesn't match his new ensemble."

Galadriel gave me a truly baffled look. "Excuse me?"

"The bluish gray, tattered look didn't match his newly starched white robes."

"Hiswhite robes?"

"He's gone from gray to whitepromotion and all."

"Promotion? But Mithrandir has fallen into shadow, he is no longer amongst us."

I held my hand up over my eyes and tried to look her in the face. But she was too damned bright. "Um, could you tone down a little? And I thought you had the long sight, how could you not know that Gandalf was still alive? You went and upset all the elves here, and I mean, isn't that a little mean as elves can die from grief and all?"

"Gandalf yet remains?"

"That's what I've been saying"

"Buthe fell into shadow"

"Well I wouldn't call it shadow. Pitch bloody black was a more accurate description. Then we ended up floating in a void for a while, which relieved me quite a bit, because after falling several hundred feet you really get to thinking about landing. But the poor Balrog was sick to his stomach from the weightlessnessthe whole ordeal was rather unpleasant. We finally came out of the void in a nice cozy cavern filled with Orcs. While Gandalf and the Balrog had a stand off I was giving a lecture on proper dental hygiene to some of the girls." At least I think they were girls. Damned if I could tell. But these ones seemed to have more feminine looking lumps than some of the others.

"Mithrandir fought the demon of terror in shadow? Was he successful or does the lament stand?"

"I left before they finished. Although Gandy lost the arm wrestling competition, and the quilting competition, he won the cook-off due to the fact the Balrog kept singeing everything. He also won in Twister, and caps. They were tied for best macaroni representation of Middle-Earth when I left. Though, I still say that Gandalf's penne tower of Isengard was much better than the Balrog's Alfredo Caradhras."

Galadriel was looking decisively confused. Haldir just shrugged when she looked to him.

I sighed. I was rather tired from roaming around the countryside. "The mighty Mithrandir fought a great battle amongst the shadow. Now he shall return to you stronger than ever in the sequel. Better?"

Galadriel seemed to be satisfied with that answer. "Then let our lament turn to praise!"

"Umbefore you do, could I see the rest of the fellowship?" As I was completely lost and didn't seem to be doing anything else. I figured the safest place to be would be behind Aragorn and Legolas.

"They have passed from these shores with this day's first light."

"Crap, I missed them."

"You are welcome to spend the afternoon and evening resting here. I see that you are weary from your journey to bring us such joyous tidings. We shall send you on your way at first light of day."

"I think I'll take you up on thatso what is it exactly that elves do for fun in these parts?"

Galadriel tilted her head and looked to me. Abruptly her face took an expression of combined perplexment, curiosity and terror. Your mind is so twisted and confused and I can not perceive of your fate.

"Yeah, I am a little odd. You get used to it."

Where have you come from? This world has no history of you

"I blacked out."

?

"You're not real. This is all in my imaginationI think." I was starting to wonder on that point. "Could you stop snooping around in my head for a bit? It's kinda creepy."

I am baffled by you

"That's normal. Do you have anything to eat? I was a little wary of what the Orcs were eating so I avoided their culinary delights. The Balrog was kind enough to boil some water for me and I cooked the macaroni representation of Breebut it wasn't all that filling."

Galadriel was staring at me blankly. "I'm getting nothing from your mind"

"Hey, no need to be insulting." I scowled at the light.

Galadriel was just staring straight ahead. Her eyes had taken on a glazed expression and her body froze. I waited a few minutes before waving my hand in front of her face.

"Hello?" I got no response. I looked questioningly at Haldir.

Haldir shrugged helplessly. "She does that from time to time."

"It's freaky."

"You get used to it," a voice announced. I turned around to see another elf walk onto the balcony.

Haldir inclined his head, "Celeborn."

"Does she just phase outat anytime?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't it get irritating?"

He seemed thoughtful for a moment. "Wellfor the most part no. But it does infringe on some of our more intimate moments."

"Oh."

Everyone looked decidedly uncomfortable at that moment.

"Food?" I asked.

"Yes, food!" They seemed to agree and we left the balcony and Galadriel staring into space.

"Let us descend to the lower levels-"

"Argh. Must we? I had to climb my lazy ass all the way up those stairs. Well, Okay, Haldir carried me most of the way. You'd think that after several thousand years, at least one elf would have thought up an elevator. No wonder you're all so thin."

Celeborn and Haldir exchanged looks.

"If you have an elevator and you're holding out on me"

"No, we have not heard of such a thing."

"But, if you wish to take an easier route to the lower levels"

"There's an easier route than thousands of stairs? Hell yes!"

*****

"!" Words could not adequately describe the level of wonder and lust I was experiencing for what I was seeing. "Oh thank you God for this!" What lay before me could be loosely described in seven words: Dancing, naked elves on a waterslide.

"Lothlorien has the largest colony of naturalist elves in Middle-Earth." Stated Haldir with pride. "We believe that to truly appreciate and become close to the earth one must be in their natural state."

I self-consciously wiped my chin in case I had drooled on myself. "lots of shiny skinnyuh." If I died now, I would be content.

Before me frolicked hundreds of fair elves. They sang in the branches their honey voices dancing with the leaves. Their pale skin reflecting and enhancing the surreal glow of the golden wood. Their hair shimmering and their faces rapt with wonder and joy in the world that cradled them. Many of the elves were dancing upon the boughs as their companions sang. There seemed to be an abundance of flowers going around and my nose was filled with delight of their potent sent. Then again, it could be allergies.

In their midst a waterslide snaked about the truck of a massive tree and disappeared to the river below.

"Normally we don't bring visitor's here as it is a private thing, but since you were so eager for an easier way down. This is the quickest and least tiring method to reach the lower levels." Celeborn informed me.

I simply stared for a while as my overwhelmed mind attempted to put this in perspective. "So, Lothlorien is a nudist colony with the world's biggest waterslide..." For some reason the giddy smile on my face wouldn't go away. I'd be disturbed except I was too busy ogling.

Celeborn and Haldir lead me blushing and giddy through the smiling elves to the waterslide. My eyes tried to be everywhere at once and I think I may actually have blacked out a moment in orgasmic joy. Because the next thing I knew my ass was wet and I was moving very fast in a downward spiral. I screamed and went flat on my back and pointed my toes. I was sped around in what seemed like one massive high speed, lubricated circle.

I had gathered a fair velocity tearing down the waterslide in my bullet position. So that when I reached the bottom I just shot out and skidded a good ways across the river top before coming to an abrupt halt. Hovered for a bit. Then my muddled shocked brain found itself underwater. And it was not impressed.

I spluttered and doggie paddled myself back to the shore to find Celeborn and Haldir standing there perfectly dry. Haldir was holding my staff and hat. I sputtered and dragged myself to my feet as they and many other faces from above watched in combined mirth and puzzlement.

"I've never seen anyone descend with suchcharacter," mused Celeborn.

"How did you get down so fastand dry?" I dripped irritably.

"We took off our cloths and held them aloft as we slid down, then put them back on."

I blinked in new admiration. "The weapons too?"

"Yes."

"Wow"

"Well, We've had a few thousand years to perfect it."

"How come you didn't shoot out the bottom?"

"We have mastered the momentum."

I was officially impressed. "Damn, I feel inferior now."

"You are a human. It is only natural." Haldir informed me as he handed back my staff and the hat.

"Alright, now to get you some food and accommodation. Perhaps a change of cloths. I think I have a splendid gown of green that would suit you. And in the morning I shall find a rower to see you safely to the rest of the fellowship." Celeborn offered. "Now, would you like to stay in the"

I plopped on the hat and made sure to give Haldir a smack on the back of the head with my staff when he turned his back on me. When he turned back I just looked innocent and big eyed. He glared at me and took up a pace behind me this time.

Suddenly my attention turned to Celeborn, wait, did he just say he had a green gown? I decided to ignore that and carry on. "Umcould I stay near the nudist colony, by any chance? I enjoy seeing a people reveal their beliefs."

"Are you sure? There's a celebration there tonight and I would hate to see it disturb your rest."

A naked elf party? "Don't worry, I'm a heavy sleeper."

"Well, then I suppose it should not pose a problem."

"No, no problem at all." My giddy permi-grin was back in place.

*****

I waved farewell to my new friends as the boat left the shores of the Golden Wood. And shouted another apologize to Haldir for the black eye I gave him. I hadn't meant to punch himbut he was standing too close when my fist swung out when he came to wake me up this morning. I was a little more violent than usual in leaving my tree root as I was suffering the effects of a massive hang over. It took Haldir and several of his guard to pry me out of the covers, away from the pillow and off the mattress. As fitting me attached to the mattress through the door had been an issue. Celeborn had refused to let them cut a bigger door. So they were forced to remove me from the bed.

Last night was a bit of a blur. Well, a lot of a blur. Okay, after I walked out of my room and joined the nudist elves in their chugging contest it was a complete blur. I recall dancing, and drinking and playing twister with some friendly elves. Though, when they tried to get me out of my cloths, for some reason I refused. I also remember seeing Celeborn in a pink dress, and I think Galadriel was arm wrestling a tree at one point. But I'm really not sure. As I said it was all a blur.

Now I was off to catch up the rest of the fellowship. There were two tall, chiseled, blond elves rowing the boat to get me there faster. They seemed very intense about the whole rowing thing. I decided to introduce myself as it could be a long journey.

"Um, hi. I'm Julie."

"We are aware." The blue eyed one at the front of the boat said.

"We were told of you, and asked if we would volunteer to steer you up the great river to join your companions." Stated the green eyed one from the back.

"Oh." That was helpful information that I was unaware of. I thought with much sarcasm. "Sowhat are your names?"

"I am Thoth." Said the green eyed one.

"I am his elder brother, Thor." Replied the other.

"Thoth and Thor? Good thing you don't have a lisp."

Neither twitched.

"Sohave any other siblingsa Thom perhaps?"

"We have a sister," said Thoth.

"Bill," said Thor.

I stared blankly at Thor's back. "Your sister's name is Bill?"

"Yes," said Thor.

"Bill is a very respectable name in Middle-Earth," chimed in Thoth.

"I see." I studied Thoth for a moment and remembered something. "Weren't you dancing in a gold sequined loin cloth with Celeborn last night?"

His face seemed to brighten. "Yes! I always wanted to dance professionally, but I don't have the legs for it. I still dance in the hopes of filling others with joy! Celeborn seems to think I have good arches. And he believes my wish to spread joy through movement is a well founded one. If I can make just one person happy through my dancing, I know I will have fulfilled my purpose in life."

Yes, this was going to be a long journey

*****

The rest of the fellowship were making themselves comfortable on the shore. Legolas was expressing his uncertainties to Aragorn. Pippin had suddenly taken a great interest in the river.

"A shadow and a threat are growing in my mind"

"Hey guys!"

"JULIE! Merry, it's Julie! She's alive!" Squealed Pippin and the hobbits and dwarf suddenly started to cheer and jump. Thoth and Thor brought the boat in and I was smothered in hobbits before I had a chance to get out. We had ourselves a nice little cuddle fest before I managed to get out of the boat. I gathered my staff and adjusted the hat and suddenly found myself in the embrace of Legolas.

"I thought you had perished!" he cried out and twirled me around.

I was stunned. "Not that I'm complaining. I'm just a little surprised at the sudden affection."

Legolas released me and met my eyes with his in confusion. "Your affections and manner make me uncomfortablebut that does not mean I wished you dead. Perhaps being around the hobbits has worn off on me."

"Oh. So you don't like me, but don't dislike me enough to want me dead?"

"Yes." He agreed.

"Well, then there's hope yet." I said and wrapped my arms around him in a bear hug.

"Butyou died," whispered Aragorn. "People do not recover from that type of fall. They just don't."

"I bounce?" I offered the obviously confused ranger.

"Well, we have seen you safely to the fellowship. Now we must return to Lothlorien. Farewell! And next time you visit you can come see our performance." Thor called out as they pushed the boat from the shore.

"Bye Thoth! Bye Thor!" I waved as they departed. "They scare me." I muttered to Legolas.

"Butyou can not bounce like that!" Aragorn complained. "And why are you wearing Mithrandir's hat?"

"I missed you all too," I gave Aragorn a hug making sure to not inhale on contact. For some reason where Legolas was dirt repellant, Aragorn was a grime magnet.

"Where's Frodo?"

We all looked around the clearing and noticed Boromir's absence as well. "Damn, and I was starting to like him too." I muttered low enough that not even Legolas could understand me.

Soon they had split up and gone in search of Frodo and the Steward of Gondor. I walked into the woods with them, but simply did a circle and came back to sit by the water. Everyone would end up back here anyway, no point in getting myself killed or one of them killed by getting in the way.

Soon the sound of metal on metal, screams of anguish and shrieks of unpleasant surprise greeted my ears. Eventually I heard the horn of Gondor. And decided I couldn't sit here and do nothing. Well, I could but I wasn't feeling very good about myself. Normally I was proud of my cowardice, why had my spine decided that now was a good time to grow? Damn me!

I ran towards the sound of the horn. I dashed over foliage, scrambled over a fallen tree, leaped over branches and trampled one ring bearer. I stopped long enough to pull the poor, startled hobbit back to his feet and wipe off some of the footprints and forest.

His massive eyes sucked me in for a moment and his mouth was hanging open. "Jules! You're alive!"

I gave Frodo a hug and patted him on the head. "Yep, no time to explain, trying to use my powers of Mary-Sue to save Boromir. Good luck in Mordor! Stay strong and don't listen to the ring!" I hugged him again for good measure. "You're so cute!" Then turned and sprinted away.

After a good deal of running and panting I trampled another hobbit. This one was rather panicked.

"Julie! Have you seen Mr. Fr-"

"That way Sam, towards the river, hurry or you'll miss him!" I cried out pointing wildly to the direction I figured the landing site to be in. He nodded and started to dash off, "oh Sam! Rope! Ahhe's gone." I cursed as I continued my mad dash.

Finally I burst into the center of the Boromir-for-acadamy-award battle. Pippin and Merry were huddled together as and I saw the first arrow slam into the man.

I froze now, as I had no idea what to do. Running here with heroic thoughts was all fine and good when you were running. But these Uruk-Hai were rather large, smelly and made me want to fall to the ground in a withering mass of dread, crying for my mother. Actually, a large semi-automatic would be more appropriate. These creatures evoked fear in me that I had never felt before. It went beyond even the terror brought about by Clowns, Don Cherry and pink shaved canines.

I was afeared.

And frozen in place, actually whimpering, as I tried to think of something to do. The hobbits were transfixed by what they were witnessing and Boromir was demonstrating his abundance of adrenaline and stubbornness by not dying. The man had gutsof course they were now a little less intact than before. Ack.

Poor Boromir! I saw him take a second arrow and was still frozen. Then the third and I cringed. Suddenly, the hobbits were charging into the nasty beasties' open arms and they were about to run away with them. Lurtz was looking awfully proud of himself. That smug Monty-Python wanna be bastard. I picked up a rock and threw it.

Of course I missed and hit an innocent tree instead. Lurtz turned to glare at me. Oops. I smiled sheepishly and waved back at him.

"Sorry?"

He showed me his pointy teeth and I cringed again.

"You know, you'd think Saruman the white would instruct in dental hygiene. And I'm not a man, so there will be no tasting of my fleshokay?"

"Capture the halfling!" He bellowed at a passing Uruk-Hai. Who then started charging toward me.

Naturally, I was a little confused. I looked behind me. Halfling? There were no other hobbits around here. I suddenly saw the Uruk-Hai getting very close to me and realized Lurtz thought that I was a hobbit. "Hey! Now wait just one second here. I am not that short!"

"Bring him unspoiled!" He bellowed

Okay, now I was offended. "HIM?!" I shrieked. And when the Uruk-Hai was close enough I swung my staff with all my strength and took out his knees. Then whacked him over the head a few times until he was suitably unconscious, then once more for good measure. The fact that I was screaming the entire time may have been what caught it off its guard.

I know turned my attention to the confused Lurtz as I began stalking towards him. "Now you see here, Mr. I am not a him! You see these right here? That makes me a woman! Okay? I am not manly and I am not short so you just take all the shit back and step away from the human, because he's part of my posse! AND BRING BACK MY HOBBITS GADDAMNIT! And brush your teeth! You smell worse than Aragorn after a rainstorm. Understand?" Damp ranger was one of those odors that are best left to the imagination. As the imagination is more pleasant on the senses. The imagination doesn't make one faint or curl one's nose hair either.

Lurtz was trying simultaneously to back away from my advance, look fierce, avoid eye contact, and raise his bow. Before he could notch an arrow I slammed my staff into his crotch region. I heard Boromir gasp, and Lurtz make a very unspawn-of-evil squeak. "So much for feeling no pain. I guess since your mother is a man in a white gown, who lives in a giant phallic symbol, this was to be expected though."

Reality suddenly tapped my shoulder and pointed to Lurtz, then ran screaming. And it was the moment those yellow eyes turned to stare with all consuming hatred at me that I figured I should be doing the same.

"Don't insult Master Saruman."

"Eep." I squeaked and ran faster than I had ever run before. If it was possible I think I broke the sound barrier as I could hear my scream following me as I dove behind a tree. I felt a flash of pain as my scream turned into an arrow that hit my arm on its way by. "OW! Shit! You bastard!" I grabbed another rock and hurled it towards where Lurtz was. It fell short. Which really pissed me off. But I'd already seen where not to go with that.

I could hear it move, then a big crash as Aragorn made his dramatic entrance. I sat by the tree and watched holding my arm. Buggery that hurt. I also realized I'd missed seeing Legolas do that cool thing where he takes the one arrow and kills the nasty Uruk-Hai then uses the same arrow to shoot another one. I wanted to see that in person. But then I probably would have been killed. I looked about the forest at the bodies sprawled all over its floor. Amazing how two men, an elf and a dwarf could kill an entire army of super-orcs. I also noted that dead bodies were highly unpleasant, especially on a nice warm day. I chose that moment to be discretely ill behind the nice tree.

By the time I finished Aragorn was kneeling over Boromir. "Ha! So much for super-orc, he can be beheaded just like anyone else." I stated glumly to the tree. I watched as Legolas and Gimli appeared behind Aragorn as he kissed Boromir's brow in farewell. "He wasn't a bad guyjust mislead." I began crying to the tree. "I need a hug, and all the hobbits are gone, and Gandalf's not here, and my arm really hurts." I whined and wrapped my arms around the tree.

Suddenly Legolas looked up from Aragorn and his brow creased.

"What is it, Legolas?" Purred Aragorn.

"One of the trees isdistressed."

Three pairs of eyes turned in my direction.

"Oh."

"That explains things."

"Lass? Arrrre you alrrrrright?"

"Noooooooo," I wept. "I need a hobbit cuddle!"

"Oh dearrr." Said Gimli. "What do we do?"

"Find a hobbit?" Suggested Legolas.

"Where's Sam?" Demanded Aragorn.

I hugged the tree and left them take the body and figure things out. Eventually, it was time to go, so they simply removed my arms from the tree and I latched onto the elf. Aragorn saw to my wound by washing it and tossing a bandage over it.

After much sniffing, howling, and distressed, reassuring pats from Legolas, I managed to pull myself together. I still hiccuped as Boromir went down the falls and I finally let go of Legolas. Much to his relief. There was a moment of sadness as they realized the fellowship had broken with Frodo and Sam's leave. Then fear for the other two hobbits set in. "Let's hunt some Orc!" Aragorn announced cheerfully. Gimli and Legolas seemed pleased and the three of them leapt gleefully into the wood.

I groaned and trudged after them. I adjusted my hat and made my way less gracefully over the roots. "Must we always run?"

**Well, that's all until the TT comes out. Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to leave a review. It encourages me to know my madness is worth while.