"Enzo?  That you, Sugar?"

"Yeah – it's me, Mouse.  Hi."

"Hi back atcha, Pumpkin.  What's processing – everything online?"  She didn't know – I could tell by her face.  Teachers never knew about this kinda thing anyway – that's how I figured it worked.

"Yeah.  I guess.  I was actually hoping you could do me a favor."

"Well, I can try.  What'd ya have in mind?"

I took a deep breath and mustered my courage.  "I need to place a call.  To Mainframe."

"Mainframe?" she frowned.  "You know we're not supposed to call on the net unless it's an emergency, Honey – or special circumstances."

"I know, Mouse – but you could do it, couldn't you?  You set up the security systems yourself!"

"Is this an emergency, Enzo?"

"Um – no, not really.  But-"

"Did ya want to call Dot, Sugar?  Is that it?"

She thought I was homesick, thought that's what it was all about!  Well I was, but that wasn't the issue.  "No, I…  Actually I was hoping I could talk to Matrix."

"Matrix?  Ain't that somethin'."  She arched her eyebrows in surprise.  "Honey, I dunno – it's really against the protocols-"

"Come on, Mouse.  You don't always follow the rules, do you?  Not even here?  I really need to talk to him.  Please?"

I had her there – Mouse had already been tossed out of the Academy once, and even if she was a teacher now she was still Mouse.  I threw in my best pleading look for good measure.  "All right, you win.  I don't feel right, you takin' advantage of our friendship like this…"

"Sorry Mouse.  But thanks!  I really appreciate it."

"Well, I know Sugar, I know.  Let me make a little magic happen and I'll link the call through to your organizer as soon as I connect, all right?"

"Thanks, Mouse!  Thanks so much."

"Sure." She grinned.  "Stand by."  She closed the vidwindow and I picked up my organizer and lay back in bed, waiting and thinking about what I was gonna say.  The call came through after only a micro or so – Mouse is the best at what she does.  Matrix' face just popped up on my organizer.

At first, I was just so incredibly happy to see him that it crowded everything else out for a little bit.  I could tell he was surprised, but he smiled after a nano too.  "Kid?"

"Hey!" I whispered.

"Hey.  User, it's good to see your face!"

"Yours too!  You have no idea…"

"Is everything OK?  I didn't expect you to call."

"Yeah – sorta.  Um – is AndrAIa there?  Where are you?"

"At the archives.  Working late again, y'know...  She's not here – why?"

"Don't…  Don't tell her I called, OK?  Or Dot or Bob?  Or anybody.  I don't want 'em to worry about me."

"No chance of that, Enzo.  They all are, anyways."

I felt a little 'ping' in my heart.  "I know – but don't tell them, OK?  Can we just talk between us?"

"Yeah – no problem." He frowned.  "What's wrong?"

"I just – I just needed to talk about some stuff.  And I really wanted to talk to you because…  You know.  You know stuff about me."

"Yeah.  Sure."  He nodded.  "What kinda stuff, Kiddo?  You aren't in trouble, are you?"

For some reason Matrix always asks me that question whenever I say I wanna talk to him.  I have no idea why.  "No!  It's just…"

"What?  What's up?  You can tell me, Sprout – not a word to anyone else, I promise."

I stiffened.  "Please don't call me that anymore, OK?"

"Sorry, Kid – just old habit."

"I'm serious, Enzo – please don't, OK?  Promise."

He frowned – even more than normal – but he nodded.  "Sure, Kid.  I promise, if it bugs ya that much.  Now – what's this all about?"

I sighed.  How could I explain to Matrix what I was feeling?  How could I tell him what happened?  "C'mon, Enzo – spill the java beans.  How'd ya manage to get a call through, anyways?"

"Mouse."

Matrix laughed.  "Of course."  He didn't say anything for a few nanos, waiting for me to talk – but nothing seemed ready to come out.  "Well – let me try and get things started, maybe.  How you doing, Enzo?  How are you adjusting?"

"OK." I said automatically.

"OK?  That's all?"

"I…  Matrix, it's hard sometimes.  I…" I looked away from the screen.

"I know.  I know it's hard, Kiddo.  You had it pretty good here – it's not easy to leave all that behind."

"Yeah.  But…  It's more than that."

"What else?  Come on – I can't help you if you don't tell me." 

"When- When did you…"

"When did I what?"

I took a deep breath and looked back up at him.  "Enzo, when did you start to- to hate yourself?  To hate me?"

"What?" he frowned. "What in the net do you mean?  You know I don't hate you, Enzo!  I thought we'd-"

"No – not now.  I know you…  I know you don't hate me."  I smiled weakly.  "But before, when you were alone with AndrAIa, in the games.  When did you- when did you start to hate being me?"

"Oh.  Oh, Enzo…"  I could tell by the look on his face that it was a question he'd have preferred I never ask.  "That was all a long time ago, Kid."

"I know it was.  But when?  When did it happen?"

"I don't know." He sighed.  "We were out there a while – time seemed to kind of run together, if you know what I mean.  The longer we couldn't find our way home, the more frustrated I got.  And angry.  You- You know…"

"Yeah."

"It was feeling helpless that was the worst thing."  I knew there was no way Matrix would be admitting all this to anyone but me, but that was OK – that's just how it was with us.  "I couldn't get us home, I couldn't do anything to help Mainframe.  I had an idea AndrAIa needed me to protect her – little did I know!  But I wanted to.  And it was tough, feeling like I couldn't."

"Yeah.  So – how old were you?  When you knew you hated it?"

"Enzo – I can't answer that.  It's not like someone just threw a switch or something!  I…  It just happened, over time.  I got an idea in my head that I had to change, become someone different.  So that's what I did.  Tried to do anyways…  Why are you asking me this?  What's going on?"

"Matrix – I…  It's really tough sometimes, being here.  I…"

"Kid - I was stupid.  What I tried to do wasn't the answer – it never is.  I never really liked what I became, no matter how much I tried to kid myself.  Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I just hate it!" I blurted out.  "I hate being small!  I hate being the smallest all the time, I just hate it!"

"Calm down.  What's this about?"

I was clenching my hands into fists and unclenching them, I was so worked up – which was something I remember seeing Matrix do, too.  Funny.  "They laugh at me.  Because I'm so small.  They're all older and bigger and they laugh at me and push me around.  And I hate it."

"Are you all right?  You're not getting beat up are you?"

"No!  Not that.  Just…  I hate it!  I'm tired of being little!  I'm 1.3 now – why aren't I big?  Why aren't I getting strong, like you are?"

"Like I am?"  Matrix ran a big hand over his face.  "Kiddo, being big and strong doesn't solve all your problems.  Believe me, I know."

"But-"

"Trust me.  Don't get obsessed with it, Enzo – you'll grow up soon enough, and then you'll be disappointed when you realize it didn't fix everything."

"But when?" I pleaded.  "When do I grow up, Enzo?  I'm 1.3!  Why aren't I grown up now?"

"You are growing up!  You're a lot more grown up than when…  When I met you.  You're bigger, stronger, smarter.  It's just that those other cadets are older than you are, that's all – and maybe you're a little small for your age.  So you've got to make up for it in other ways."

"I don't know how.  I don't know how to do it.  Shouldn't I be bigger than I am?  More grown up?"

He frowned.  "You're a late bloomer, I guess.  We are.  Everyone matures at their own clockspeed, that's all."

"When?  When does it happen?  Please tell me!"

"Enzo…  I don't even remember.  It's hard to remember, it's not like there were very many calendars out there.  In- in a while.  But you know, I really didn't get my full height until I was 1.8 or 1.9."

"Oh, User!  1.9?  I'll never make it!"

"Enzo!  Take it easy.  It didn't happen in one cycle – it's gradual.  And I didn't get, you know, how I am by accident.  I worked out constantly – too much.  It was like I was doing it to prove something I could never prove.  And I still do it – it's not like I even really want to, anymore.  But I've been doing it for so long I guess I can't stop."

"I'm just so tired of being small.  I'm sick of it!" I pounded on the bed with my fists, loud enough for him to hear it.

"I know.  Believe me, I know.  What's wrong?  Why is this such a big deal now, Kid?"

I breathed heavily and didn't look at him for a few nanos.  "I hate it, Enzo.  I'm starting to hate being me."

"What?'

"I'm starting to hate being me.  And I don't want to!  I thought I was, you know – OK.  But now I hate myself and I don't want to!"  What I didn't say – but I think he knew anyway – was that I was scared of ending up like him.

"Why?  Why do you hate yourself, Enzo?  Just because you're small?  That's basic!"

How could I explain it?  I couldn't bring myself to tell Matrix exactly what'd happened – I just couldn't.  "When…  People push me around.  They make fun of me, and there's nothing I can do about it.  And there's a – I mean, what if there were a girl or something…  Why would she ever want anything to do with me?  I'm just a little sprite!"

"Sheesh, Kid…  Sounds like you got a lot compiling over there."  I buried my face in my hands.  "It'll be all right, Enzo.  First of all, any girl that wouldn't have anything to do with you because you aren't tall or strong probably isn't a girl you want to be with, anyways."

"It's not just that." I whispered.  "I can't get them to leave me alone.  They won't stop…  They won't stop."

"Who are they?"

"Other kids.  Big kids.  Everybody.  Everybody's bigger than me, anyways."

"I know." Matrix sighed.  "But you pretty much knew that was gonna be the way it was, didn't you?"

"Yeah.  But I just didn't think it was gonna be so hard."

"Enzo – you know you can come home if you want to.  Anytime you say so."

"No.  I don't want to.  I want to be a Guardian, spammit!  I just wish it wasn't so hard!  It's not fair – all those other cadets don't have to be deal with this shit like I do!"

"Enzo!"  I'm not sure Matrix had ever heard me use that word.  "Better not let Sis hear you talk like that."

"She could push me around, too."

"Kiddo – I can't make it all better for you.  Nothing would make me happier, believe me – it uncompiles me to see you like this, and you're not even here where I can be with you…  It's not easy.  But I can give you some advice if you want."

"Please.  Anything."

"Enzo…  This is the path you picked for yourself.  I know it's hard, but if you want to make it work you're going to have to find a way to make it happen yourself."

"Oh, thanks a lot."

"Did I say I was done?  Did I?"

"No."  I sighed.  "Sorry."

"Do you want to be happy?"

"What?  Of course I do!"  What a ridiculous question!

"Think really hard about it, Enzo.  Believe me, I've thought a lot about that question over the hours.  Do you?"

"I…"  I stared at him for a nano.  I remembered what he was like, when I'd first come back after the restart.  How he was, sometimes – even now.  "Yes.  I want to be happy, Matrix.  I really do."

"Good." He smiled.  "I do, too – it took me a long time to get here, but I do.  And I really want you to be happy, Kid – as much as I want anything in the net.  So listen up.  You can't ever be happy if you try to be me.  Trust me, I know.  You have to be yourself, Enzo – you lose that, and you're lost.  Understand?"

"Not really."

"Look – we're not the same sprite.  We have the same code, more or less – but we're different people.  There's something about you, Kid – something about you that makes everyone who loves you happy.  And anyone you meet who's worth knowing will see that, and they'll like you too.  You don't hide yourself away – you let people inside, you let them see who you are.  And they see how much you care about them, how good your heart is.  And that's why they like you.  Understand?"

"But…  What about – I mean…"

"Maybe you don't see the effect you have on people.  I don't think I saw it, either, when I was little.  But you make people happy, Enzo – just by being who you are.  Just because of how you are – how much you just…  Enjoy.  Everything's an adventure to you – a chance to have fun.  And you make everyone who loves you happy.  Don't you think I'd give anything in the net to be able to do that again?  Make people happy just to have me around?"

I'd never really thought about what he was saying, so it was weird to hear it.  "Really?"

"Really.  You have something special, Enzo.  Don't ever lose it – you'll regret it for the rest of your life.  And if you get so caught up in being angry and getting even with people you'll lose it faster than you can believe.  You'll lose you, Kid.  I don't want to ever see that happen."

"But…"  It was strange to hear Matrix talk like this, even to me, but what he said was touching me right in my gut.  "How do I get through this?  How do I make people respect me?"

"You earn it, Kid.  Let me tell you something – it's pretty easy for me to make people afraid.  I think I did it to you for a while, didn't I?"

"I guess."

He smiled.  "I did it to everybody, don't feel bad.  But you know what?"

"What?"

"It's a lot better to have people like you than fear you.  Even better to have them love you.  But the problem is that it's a lot harder to get them to love you or even like you.  Harder than making them afraid of you.  I can make people afraid of me – I'm big and strong, I have a nasty-ascii gun and a bad temper.  It's easy.  But I can't get people to love me – not like you can.  And I never will."

"I love you!"

"I know." He said softly.  "AndrAIa too – always.  But it's different with family, and I don't think Andri would've loved me if she'd met me like I am know.  The reason she loves me is because she sees you in me, and she always will.  And when I'm with her I can see a little of you in me, too.  That's one of the reasons I love her so much, I guess."

"Do you really think that's true?"

"I know it is, Enzo.  I still have enough of you left that I can get a few people to like me – how's that!  But you have all of you – you're Enzo.  Why would you ever want to give up what makes people love you?  Just because you grow up that doesn't mean you have to lose the person you are."

"But the person I am gets pushed around and laughed at and- and…"  I almost told him about the shower nightmare, but I didn't.  "And no one respects him!"

"Wrong.  The people who matter do.  Respect is earned, Enzo.  I'm not saying you can't be tough.  I'm not telling you not to stick up for yourself – crash, you always have. Just don't worry about impressing the sort of sprite that pushes you around and makes fun of you.  They don't matter one byte – stand up to them and make them respect you - and then forget they ever existed."

"You make it sound so easy!" I growled.  "But how, Matrix?  How do I do it when they're so much bigger than me?"

That shut him up for a nano.  He scratched his beard.  "Well – you remember the stuff Bob and I taught you, don't you?  Weight and leverage and all that?"

"Yeah…"  Not nearly enough.

"And they're teaching you physical defense at the Academy, right?"

"Yes – but I need to defend myself now!  And how do I make them respect me without getting into fights and stuff and, you know…  Changing, like you said?  Making them afraid of me?"

"OK…  The first thing is, never let them know that you're afraid of them.  That's important, Enzo – very important.  You get me?"

"Yeah – sure."

"Are you sure?  Think about what you're saying."

I did.  And the truth was, I was afraid of Calisto and Zip and Quantum and all those big boys – I'd been afraid of them from the beginning, and I was even more afraid now.  "OK, maybe I am, a little.  But how can I not be?  They're twice my size!"

"Doesn't matter.  Don't ask me how I know, Enzo – just trust me, I do – but bullies thrive on fear.  They do what they do because they like making people afraid of them.  Don't ever let them see that they're getting to you – that they scare you.  That'll freak them out.  Even if they are bigger and stronger, if you stand up to them and don't back down they'll leave you alone.  It might take a while, but they will."

"A while…" I sighed.

"Don't let them control your life.  That's what they want.  Stand up to them and be tough, and take your medicine if you have to – but don't take it lying down.  Never start a fight, but if they start one with you be smart about it.  I know how smart you are – use your processor.  I guarantee you, you've got more brains than they do."

"Use my processor?"

"Definitely.  Kiddo, look at everything you've been through already – losing Mom and Dad, the restart, Daemon…  No one could ever say you've had it easy.  But you survived because you were tough, just like I did.  You're still tough.  Bullies hate tough guys – they're not interested in kids who fight back, even if they are half their size.  Once they see how tough you are, they'll back off.  I promise."

"Really?  You mean it?"

"Promise.  It won't be easy, but if you stick with it it'll be OK.  Just don't let them change who you are."

I wanted so much to believe him.  I did feel proud of myself for getting through everything I had and still being a basically normal sprite, and I was definitely proud of everything Bob and I had done in the games.  I was the youngest here, yeah – but that was something to be proud of, too.  Heck, Laser asked me to come when I was 1.0!

But there was still the matter of forcing myself to stand up to Calisto and Zip and the others.  Matrix was definitely right about one thing – I wasn't him.  I was a different sprite.  Maybe it was because of having Bob in my life for so much longer or maybe it was something else, but I was definitely different.

"I'll try, Matrix.  I really will.  But it won't be easy – some of these guys are really tough.  Some of them even shave!  But I'll try."

"Good boy.  Don't be afraid – that's the most important thing.  That's what they want."

"Yeah.  I'll try.  What about- what about the other thing?"

"Which other thing?"

"You know…  Girls.  All these other guys are taller and stronger and they can lift more and all that…"

"Spam that.  None of those other guys have been in games since they were 1.0, I bet.  None of them have been in Guardian training for three hours."

"No.  Maybe not."

"Do you want a really special girl, Enzo?  As special as AndrAIa?  Or just any girl?"

"I'll kill to have a girl like AndrAIa." I sighed. "She's amazing."

"I know that, Champ.  AndrAIa fell in love with me when I was 1.0 – she didn't care that I wasn't tall and strong yet.  No girl that matters would care.  Just be yourself, Enzo – that's more than enough.  Like I said, there's something about you – you have something inside that makes people love you.  Hang onto that and you'll meet an amazing girl, and she'll see all that.  She won't care about that other stuff any more than AndrAIa did."

"You think?" I whispered.

"I know.  But don't be in such a hurry – you're 1.3.  When it happens, it happens."

"Yeah.  I guess.  No hurry…"

"Enzo…"  He squinted at me, then barked a laugh.  "You already met one, didn't you?"

"No!"

"You're blushing, Kiddo!  How about that…"

"Don't tell Dot – please!  She'll get all gooey-"

"Don't tell her what, Enzo?  I thought you hadn't met a girl yet?"

"Awww."  It was great having a big brother who shared my code, but it sucked sometimes too – he always seemed to know more about me than I did about him.  "It's no big deal.  We just talked a couple times, that's all."

"What's her name?"

"Lisa."

"And does she care that you're still little?"

"I don't know." I sighed.  "She never said she did…  But I don't see how she wouldn't!  Not with all these other guys around here."

"Have a little faith." Matrix grinned.  "In yourself.  In other people.  If she's the girl for you, she won't care about any of that stuff."

"Yeah.  Maybe."  I smiled.  "She really is nice."

"I'll bet she is.  Just be yourself and she won't stand a chance, Little Brother."

"Stop!  And please don't tell anybody – not even AndrAIa!  It's no big deal."

"I said I wouldn't – I won't.  OK?"  I nodded and he shifted a little bit and looked down.  "Uh, Enzo…  Did…  Has anyone had a talk with you about-"

"Don't worry." I blushed.  "Bob and I talked before I left."

"Good." Matrix let out a deep breath.  "Wow, my little bro – only gone a minute and already a ladies man.  Who woulda believed it."

"Stop!  End file, OK?  We talked like, twice – that's all!"

"OK." He smiled.  "But you do like her?"

I stared back at him for a nano, then grinned.  "Yeah.  Definitely.  She's amazing."

"That's pixelacious, Enzo."  He stared back at me for a long time and sighed.  "I wish I was there, Little Brother.  I wish I could hold your hand through all this stuff."

"I wish you were, too.  It's rough, sometimes."

"I know.  But you'll be OK – I know you will.  At least you get to come home sometimes – count yourself lucky about that."

"I know.  I know it was worse for you…"

"Least I had AndrAIa." He sighed.  "I hope you aren't too lonely."

I didn't answer right away – I knew he wouldn't like my answer.  "I miss you.  But Mouse and Ray are here.  And my roommate is a good guy."  I said it before thinking about it, and it surprised me a little.

"That's alphanumeric.  His name is Linux, right?  I think that's what Bob said."

"Right."

"Well, I'm glad he's a good kid."  He smiled sadly.  "I miss the code out of you, Little Brother.  Every cycle.  You gonna be OK?"

"I think so.  I'll try my best."

"Enzo, don't fight if you don't have to.  But if you do, be smart!  Use your quickness, use the enemy's size against him.  Don't try and overpower somebody bigger than you.  Smarter and quicker, right?"

"Right.  Smarter and quicker."

"Do what you have to do – and walk away.  That's what I could never do – walk away.  Make them respect you like all of us do, all right?"

"I'll try, Matrix." I said softly.

"I wish I could say something more, Kid.  I wish I could be there to help you."

"I guess this is one of those things I've gotta get through on my own, huh?"

"Guess so." Matrix sighed.  "But I'm here – we all are.  If you need me, talk to me.  Like now, right?  We aren't gonna forget about you for a nano."

"I know you won't.  Thanks."

"Enzo…  You gonna be OK?  Really?"

"I'll try.  I'll try an' do what you said."  I could feel myself starting to get emotional again, but I choked it down – I figured the more emotional I got, the more likely it was Matrix would spill to Bob and Dot.

"You do that.  I promise everything will work out.  Be brave."

"I hear that a lot!" I whispered.  What I wanted to say was It's easy to be brave when you're big – but I didn't.  Matrix had to be brave when he was small, too – even braver than me. 

We tried to smile at each other.  Sometimes I just didn't feel like a whole person when me and Matrix weren't together.  "I really miss you."

"Me too, Enzo.  You take care of yourself.  Don't forget about Ray and Mouse, OK?"

"I won't.  Promise you won't tell anybody any of this?"

"Yeah – promise.  I'm here if you need me, OK?  Just call."

"OK.  Thanks, Big Brother."

"I miss you, Pal.  Hang in there."

"I will."  I smiled as bravely as I could and cut the connection. 

After a couple nanos Mouse's face popped up on my organizer.  I composed myself as well as I could.  "All done, Sugar?"

"Yeah.  Thanks, M-Mouse."

"No sweat.  What're friends for?  You hang in there."

"Yeah.  Thanks."  She winked and then her image did too, and was gone.

I thought about everything Matrix said for a long time.  I knew a lot of it was just to try and make me feel better, but some of it really hit me hard, too – especially the stuff about people liking me for who I was.  There was never a doubt in my mind that Dot and Bob loved me, but some part of me was always wondering if it was because they had to – in Dot's case – or because they felt sorry for me – in Bob's case.  As much as I wanted to be proud of who I was, part of who I was and still am is doubting myself.  I guess it'll never go away, and I know it's a big part of Matrix too.

Talking to Matrix was also good because it helped me realize that I wasn't him – which I'd started to doubt a little bit.  No matter how hard I tried we'd always be different, and that was a good thing.  His road wasn't the road I wanted to take.  What I needed was a clue about what my road was going to be.

I was really, really tired – I hadn't hardly slept the night before and I'd spent all cycle in one big fright mode.  I knew I needed sleep before anything else, and the other decisions could wait until the next morning.  I'd already been out for a while when Linux came in and woke me up with his clomping around the room.  One thing I was learning about Linux was that he was kinda clumsy, like he was trying out a new body and he wasn't quite used to living inside it.

I rolled over and opened my eyes while he was sitting on his bed, kicking off his boots.  "Hey."

"Hi.  Sorry I woke you."

"No biggie.  How was town?"

"It was OK.  You should've come – it woulda been more fun."

"Next time, maybe.  What'd you do?"

"Y'know – hung around.  Had a sundae, checked out the comics store and stuff.  There were a lot of cadets around."

"Any cute girls?"

He giggled and blushed a little.  "Some, yeah.  Really cute."

"You go to the pixels arcade?"

"Naw.  We'll go together when you feel like it."

"Cool."  I yawned.  "I'm pretty low-res – I'm goin' back to sleep.  C ya."

"Yeah, C ya.  Night, Enzo."

"Night."

"I'm, y'know…  Sorry."

"I know, Linux."  I closed my eyes, yawned again, and in a nano I was asleep.