Please see reviews for a brief author's note…
The next morning was when the guilt hit, and it hit full force almost as soon as I woke up. The memories of how fantastic I'd felt were still strong, but now I just felt dirty and ashamed. I was sure I was sick – a total pervert who didn't deserve a girlfriend like Lisa. I was just as sure that if she knew what kinds of thoughts I'd had, how I longed for her, she'd never speak to me again.
Like I said, Bob had tried to warn me about some of this stuff - in an embarrassed, goofy, Bob kinda way. He hadn't come close to what I was feeling now though. Still, I couldn't really blame him – how could anyone have ever told me in words what those feelings from the night before were like? What the guilt I was feeling now was like? Even if he'd tried – and he hadn't really gotten very close – it would've been impossible. It's all so much bigger than words that it's not even funny. I was just gonna have to get through it all on my own and hope it got better, and try and ease up myself for being so weak.
Funny how you can be all worried and offline about something and have no idea that by the end of the cycle other stuff will totally push it out of your processor. But I didn't even have that much time to dwell on it that morning though, as it turned out. Right after Linux and I got back from the showers both of our organizers started beeping at us. We shared a look of dread and accessed the message. It was a short one:
ATTENTION: DORM ASSEMBLY AT 0750 TODAY
MESS HALL
ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY
"Yuck." I said softly.
"Shit. What do you think it is?"
I shrugged. "Who knows? I doubt it's anything good, Dude – 'mandatory meeting' usually means 'you're in trouble.'"
"We better get down there – we'll definitely be in trouble if we're late."
"Cursors and crashes! OK, let's go." A whole bunch of possibilities were running through my RAM as we rode downstairs, none of them very appealing. Whatever was going on it involved every cadet in the dorm, apparently – and that made me feel better in a stupid, little kid sort of way.
We didn't have to wait long – Linux and I got to the mess just a couple of millis before seven-fifty and found a seat. I'd never seen the mess so full, and almost everybody was whispering and squirming nervously. I did notice that Quantum didn't look too worried, though – he was sitting with his little brother a couple tables up from us, and he looked just as calm as could be.
The hall went dead silent at seven-fifty and everyone's head turned, including mine. Laser was walking in, looking perfectly calm and very sharp in his dress blues. Everyone stood stiffly as soon as Laser came in, of course. He walked right up to the front of the room and turned to face us, with his hands behind his back. Mr. Garamond, the house master, stood next to him. "Good morning, Cadets."
"Good morning, Headmaster." The room answered back in a kind of scraggly shout.
"I won't keep you long. Ms. Arial has informed me that there was an incident at the ladies' dorm a couple of nights ago. I'm sure this won't come as any surprise to most of you in this hall." There was no answer – just a nervous silence. A big drop of sweat rolled down my forehead and right into my eye and I didn't dare wipe it off – I just stood there and let it burn.
"Perhaps some of you have heard the expression 'Boys will be boys'. Well, I don't much care for that expression – it condones stupid, childish behavior of the sort I won't accept from Guardian cadets. There's no such thing as a 'harmless prank' when it disrupts the smooth operation of this Academy. The fact that you're young doesn't excuse it; nor does the fact that this particular prank has been a staple of Academy behavior since before you were born. It was stupid then, and it's stupid now. If you act like adults, I'm going to treat you like adults. Since you've chosen to act like little boys, that's I'll treat you as such.
"You might remember that I told you on your first cycle here that you would all succeed or fail together, as a unit. I believe that to be one of the most important lessons you will learn here. Therefore, rather than going through the time and effort of determining who was responsible for this nonsense, you will all be punished together. As a unit.
"For the rest of this minute you will report directly back to this dormitory after your final class. You will eat dinner in this hall. Afterwards you will go directly to your rooms until lights out – the recreation facilities are off limits. For this minute-end no young man will be allowed to leave the campus for any reason. If you do, don't bother to come back. Am I making myself clear?"
"Yes Sir." The hall answered dejectedly.
"Good." Laser smiled. "Enjoy your breakfast, and don't be late for class. At ease." He nodded briskly and walked out of the hall, Mr. Garamond two steps behind him.
"There goes my quicktime with Patch." Linux moaned.
"Sorry, Dude." I sighed. "But at least it wouldn't have mattered whether we were there or not – the whole dorm took the fall. Besides – there's always lunch, and next minute. C'mon – let's get some food." What was running through my head was, How in the net am I gonna find a way to kiss Lisa? That is, if I can ever face her again… But I didn't say it to Linux – I didn't wanna sound selfish.
Quantum and his brother Rom were a couple places ahead of us in the chow line. Quantum looked over his shoulder and I grinned a little and shrugged. "Basic, huh? Guess it wasn't too bad."
He laughed. "Same punishment every hour, Little Man."
"Huh?"
"He did the same thing last hour, Enzo – pole-axed the whole dorm. Before he was infected my Dad told me they did it when he was at the Academy, too. The punishment is as much a part of the tradition as the raid, I think."
"Dude – no way!"
"Yeah! It was worth it, believe me – I got me a pair of beauties. Besides – it's an honor to be asked to serve, and don't you forget it." He loaded his tray, winked at me, and stormed off towards the tables.
"Wow. Your brother definitely has style." I said softly. I suppose I should have been mad at him for getting us in trouble, but I wasn't – I still felt grateful to be included, basic as that sounds.
Rom shrugged. "He's something, all right. I gave up trying to keep up with him hours ago. C ya around."
"C ya." Rom went off to join his brother, I waited for Linux to get his breakfast and that was the last either of us talked about the panty-raid for a while.
Once the disappointment about being grounded died down, I was pretty worried about lunch. I almost skipped out on Lisa and ate at the boys' dorm – I wasn't sure how I'd feel when I saw her. But as much as I didn't want to see her I did want to see her, too – and I knew I couldn't run away from her forever. If I didn't see her at lunch she'd wonder why and wonder if anything was wrong, and for every cycle I avoided her it would get worse. So I swallowed hard and went and met her at our usual spot.
"Hey! No lunch today?"
"Not too hungry." I sat next to her and tried to smile. User, it was tough – I felt horribly ashamed of myself for all the things I'd thought and felt. If she knew…
"What's processing?"
"Uh…" I tried desperately to make the part of my processor that controlled talking to people work in a normal way. It was enough that I felt like a jerk around her, I didn't want to sound like one too. "We, eh, we got grounded."
"Grounded?" Lisa furrowed her brow. "What in the net do you mean?"
"Laser. He grounded the whole dorm for a minute for the panty-raid. Basic, huh?"
"That bytes! But you must have been expecting it, right? It's not like he wasn't gonna find out!"
I shrugged. This was good, talking to her in an almost normal way. It made me feel less perverted. "I never really thought about it, I guess. But yeah – I mean, the house mistress or whatever she's called chased us over half the campus so it's not like it was a big secret."
Lisa giggled. The sound was so wonderful that I couldn't help smiling a little. "I wish I'd seen that – you in your little mask, running through the woods with that big, scary woman chasing you!"
"Yeah, well… I'm glad she didn't catch us or I'd really be in trouble."
"Yeah. I was wondering about something, by the way – were you the monkey or the kitty-cat?"
"Um – the monkey. Why?"
Lisa's eyes narrowed. "Well – Patch said something about the monkey catching a pair of panties, that's all. So did you?"
I don't even wanna know what the look on my face was like – I'm sure it wasn't pretty. "I… I mean-"
"Where are they?" She smiled. "Are you wearing them now?"
"No!" I said too loudly. "No! I mean – everybody else was trying to catch them-"
"Stop!" Lisa laughed. "I'm just torturing you, that's all."
"You… You're not mad?"
"No, I guess not. I still think the whole thing is stupid, but I'm not really mad about it." She squeezed my hand and I smiled. "Besides – if you want to wear girls' panties who am I to say you shouldn't?"
"But- I'm not!" I gasped. "I mean – I'd never-"
"User – you're so easy!"
"Oh. You're kidding." She was still giggling. "If you really want to know, I buried them at the bottom of my foot-locker. Maybe I'll keep 'em as a souvenir or something…"
"Some souvenir." Lisa scowled. "Boys!"
Normally this wouldn't be the sort of conversation I'd look forward to having with Lisa, but under the circumstances it was actually sorta nice. It kept me from having to talk about other things that were even more embarrassing. Not that I could have talked about them anyway, but I'd sure be thinking about them. I noticed Lisa was about done with her lunch. "You wanna take a little walk?"
"Sure – I guess." She stroked the back of my hand. "You sure you aren't gonna eat anything, Cutie?"
"No – I'm not hungry today."
"Are you OK?"
"I'm fine." I managed a smile. "I'll get that, c'mon." I grabbed her tray in one hand and her hand in the other. I dumped the tray and we slowly walked outside, into the bright daylight. "Nice to be away from all those people…"
"This isn't about getting me somewhere you can kiss me again, is it?"
"No! Not this time. I… I just wanna talk, I guess." I led her around to the back of the building and leaned back against it with a sigh, wondering what I wanted to say to her.
"That's scraggy about you being grounded. No walks after dinner or anything, and we can't go to town this weekend."
"You could go."
"Not without you." She smiled. "I wouldn't want to. And what about Linux and Patch? She said they were gonna go see a quicktime this minute-end! Crash."
"Yeah, well… They'll be OK. They can have lunch and talk and stuff."
"Like we do."
"Yeah. Like we do."
Lisa smiled and leaned closer to me. She ran her fingers through my hair. "Last night was wonderful, Enzo. Kissing you was amazing. I've been thinking about it all cycle."
"Yeah? Me too. It… It was alphanumeric."
"Enzo - What's wrong?" she said softly.
"Nothing." I knew it was weak, but it was all I could come up with.
She looked a little hurt. "Don't you like kissing me, Enzo?"
"Oh, User! Yes! It- You're amazing. It's the best thing I've ever done, I swear!"
"Well… What's the matter?" I stared into her eyes for a nano and she stared back, trying to see inside me. I wrapped my arms around her and put my head on her shoulder. "Enzo, What's the matter?"
"I…" I just couldn't find any words. Hugging her I realized I was helpless – the way I felt about her was never gonna change, and I was stupid to think I could have any control over it. All I could do was try and deal with it as well as I could. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?" she whispered, stroking my hair.
"I… Don't know." I sighed. "I wish I was different. I want to be perfect for you."
"You are."
"No – I'm not. I-"
"I wouldn't want you to be perfect, Cutie – that'd be boring. But you're perfect for me."
"Stop!" I didn't want to hear that from her. If she knew how sick I was…
"What in the net's the matter, Enzo? Why are you getting all offline like this?"
"I-" I came close to telling her everything at that nano – well, almost everything - but I stopped, right at the edge of the cliff. "I don't deserve to have a girlfriend like you."
"Don't be stupid. Because of the panty thing?"
"No!" Not really anyway. "It's not that. I… I just don't."
"Stop." She said softly. "Whatever it is, I'm sure you're just being silly. It wouldn't matter."
"You don't know." I scrunched my eyes up tight and I didn't even want to be holding her, I didn't deserve it, but it felt too good and I needed it too much to stop.
"I do so know. I told you I knew you were the one I wanted to kiss, right from that first nano. If I was wrong that'd make me pretty stupid, wouldn't it?"
"You're not stupid."
"You bet I'm not. So whatever you're all upset about, forget it. It's not important."
"It's just… Sometimes I don't like myself very much."
"We all get like that sometimes-"
"Not like this." I sighed. She felt warm and soft and perfect, too perfect. "You're so special and it makes me want to be a better sprite, for you, and I just can't, I just hate myself more…"
"Enough! You always do this, you know that?"
I lifted my head and frowned at her. "What?"
"You always do this! You always find something about yourself to feel bad about. I've only known you a few minutes and I can already see it!"
"That's… I do not!"
"Yes you do, Enzo. And I'm getting tired of it."
"Well…" I knew she was right, deep down – I'd already kinda figured it out myself. Like I said, doubting ourselves is always gonna be a part of who me and Matrix are. "This is different, you don't understand-"
"I dounderstand. That's what you don't like."
"Lisa-"
"You know how hard it was for me to tell you about my father? Huh? You know how many guys would've run screaming away from me the nano they found out about that?"
"But – that's stupid! I'd never do that!"
"I know, Cutie. It might be stupid to you, but not for most guys. That's why you're so special. There's a lot of stuff about myself I don't like, believe me. Some of it I talk about, and some of it I don't. I just try and accept it…" She cupped my chin in her hand. "I was lucky and found someone else who would, too. And so did you, Dummy." She gave me a quick peck on the nose. "OK?"
"OK." I sighed. She was right, there really wasn't anything I could do about it, except try and accept what I felt – that and treat Lisa as nicely as I possibly could, all the time. She certainly deserved it. "You're amazing."
"This is partly my fault. I've been kind of a jerk to you sometimes, y'know?"
"No!"
"Yes I have. I gave you a hard time about stuff and I had no right to do it. I got mad about the panty-raid thing and it was dumb of me – you were just goofing around, having fun. And I way overreacted to you telling Linux we kissed. I liked you because of who you are and I shouldn't have tried to change you. It's stupid."
"Lisa, no!" I couldn't believe she was feeling guilty. "You were right, that panty-raid was dumb and it got me grounded-"
"Enzo, listen." She took my face in her hands. "I meant what I said – you're amazing because you accepted me for who I was, even though I know it freaked you out. And what did I do? I liked you right away, and then I kept criticizing you all the time. I'm not gonna do that anymore – you're perfect for me, just like you are. Act silly and be a dumb boy as much as you want – you're still my Enzo. So don't change – ever."
Wow. "Lisa…" I gave her a good hard squeeze and kissed her on the cheek. "I love you."
I could feel her body stiffen when I said it – it was pretty obvious I'd surprised her. Crash, I'd surprised myself – I sure hadn't planned to say it. It was like the first time I kissed her – it just bubbled up inside me and jumped out before I could stop it. "Oh, Enzo-"
"Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything-"
"You do? Really?" She looked very pale, which sure didn't seem like a good sign for me.
I would have given anything to turn time back right then – just ten nanos would have been plenty, just long enough to whack myself on the head before I had a chance to open my mouth. "I'm sorry!" I started to stand up and I was planning to run, but she grabbed my wrist.
"Wait!"
"Lemme go, OK? I… I never said that. I don't know why I said it-"
"Enzo – I love you too."
"What?"
"I love you too!" She smiled and let out a big breath. "Wow! That's a pretty scary thing, huh?"
"You do? Really?" I still felt weak and dizzy, but all of a sudden it wasn't so bad.
"Of course I do." We kissed, just a quick one, on the lips. "I didn't really plan to love anyone till I was a Guardian and 1.8 or something but I guess it's not something you can plan out, is it?"
"N-no. I guess it isn't." I grinned like an idiot. She loved me! "I guess it just sorta happens."
"Yeah." She ran her fingers through my hair and I did the same to hers. "I'm glad it happened. I really do love you."
"Me to. You, I mean! Wow…" I hugged her again, hard as I could.
"Ouch! Not so hard - I need my body to live, you know!"
"Sorry!"
"You're stronger than you look." Lisa giggled. "Well, Enzo – you surprised me again."
"I surprised myself! I don't know why I said that."
"I don't know either." Lisa sighed. "I wouldn't have had the nerve to say it to you. I definitely wasn't ready for this – it seems too fast."
"Yeah." I couldn't disagree – it did seem too fast. But what could I do about how I felt? It wasn't like changing your shirt or getting a haircut.
"I'm still glad. I was worried you might not feel like I did-"
"What?" I gasped. "I… You don't have to worry about that! I totally love you, Lisa. I can't believe you worried about that!"
"I don't see why not. We've only known each other a few minutes. I've never even had a boyfriend before – how am I supposed to know what to think?"
"Well… You never have to worry about that. I'll always love you."
"Enzo – you say the most amazing things…." She smiled and we hugged again, for a long time. "Crash, we better get to class – it's getting late."
"Yeah – class." It seemed bizarre to think about going to class after I'd just heard the most amazing words in my life, but class was about to start. Still, I wanted to do anything I could to delay the nano – anything but let her go. I squeezed her hand in mine and kissed her cheek. "That's a beautiful ring."
"Oh! Uh – thanks. It was…a gift. I've had it for a long time…"
"What kind is it?" It was a dark blue stone, almost black, with a shine in the center like a star.
"Sapphire." She said softly, dreamily as I nuzzled her cheek.
"It's beautiful. It reminds me of your eyes."
"Oh, Enzo." She sighed deeply and looked at me for a nano, then nuzzled my cheek back. "You're the sweetest boy in the net, you know that? But we really need to go to class."
"Yeah." I reluctantly let Lisa go and squeezed her hand one last time. "I'm grounded - well, you know that. Right after class. So I won't see you until tomorrow lunchtime."
"That's OK. We'll eat fast, then walk."
"Yeah." I smiled. "Very fast. See you tomorrow – Beautiful."
"Bye, Enzo." Lisa kissed me on the cheek and waved, and I watched her for a couple nanos before I hopped onto my zip board and raced to class, without a nano to spare.
It's hard for me to talk about anything else that happened after Lisa said what she said, but life did go on, so I had to go on too. And it sounds basic, but getting grounded for the whole week was probably the best thing that could've happened to me. So much had been going on – the panty-raid, the explosion of feelings for Lisa that shook me up so badly, and everything else – that the real reason I came to the Academy sorta got pushed off to the side of my brain. But I never totally forgot it.
Being grounded meant a lot less distractions for me, I'll say that much – no game room, no kissing, no trips to town. I always tried to avoid getting distracted by those things but before we got 'pole-axed' I was never really able to do it – maybe I really am too young to deal with that stuff, just like Mouse said. But now I didn't have any choice – my life was pretty much down to classes, eating and homework. Linux and I did our best to keep ourselves amused, but without anywhere to go I actually studied a whole lot more.
And it was OK, y'know? It only lasted a minute but it got me back on track, got me more focused on why I was here. I started some good habits that I was able maintain even after the minute was over – like doing homework immediately after classes, before dinner. I liked the feeling of having my homework done early and being free – it made me feel like a grown-up. I won't say I didn't get distracted sometimes – at night in bed I still had thoughts about Lisa I was ashamed of, although it didn't seem as perverted now – and I won't say I kept perfect study habits once I was free to do all the other stuff I'd been doing before Laser's punishment. But I was definitely better. I guess with being away from Dot's nagging for the first time it was pretty hard for me to concentrate on stuff like school, so I needed all the help I could get. Laser's a pretty smart guy.
So you could say it was a pretty boring minute, but I didn't really hate it – a boring minute was just what I needed in a lot of ways. I felt my life slowing down to a pace where it seemed like I could control it a little better, and that was a good feeling. Lisa was never too far from my processor, but we saw each other at lunch every day and talked and laughed and kissed a little, when we could slip away for a few nanos. I always wanted more time with her, but it was enough for the nano – and just talking to her was pixelacious. We loved each other, and we were OK.
Linux and Patch started having lunch together, too – they sat a little ways off from Lisa and me and I always asked Linux about it later, in our room, but he'd get all shy and blush and say it was no big deal, they were just friends. What I was thinking was, If you're just friends why are you blushing? But I didn't push it – when he felt like talking, we'd talk. Maybe even double-date, like he said. That'd be cool.
No big surprise, but the first cycle after our punishment was over me and Lisa decided to take a long walk together after dinner. My lips had mostly a whole week to rest up and they were desperate to get back to work. I felt good – I'd done my homework already, I was caught up in all my classes, no bullies had bothered my for a couple minutes and I was holding hands with the most amazing girl in the entire net.
Neither one of us said it out loud, but we both knew which way we were headed – towards the little forest down the hill from the girls' dorm. We weren't in a hurry, but I could sense my heartbeat getting faster and faster as we got closer – it knew exactly what was gonna happen when we got there. The anticipation of just being close to Lisa grew and grew until it was almost more than I could stand, and I started to sweat and breathe hard. And it didn't disappoint – kissing her was every bit as alphanumeric as I'd remembered. It'd been a long minute – felt like a deleted day.
I would have been happy to just stay there all night and the next cycle, too, but unfortunately that wasn't an option. After we'd smooched for a while Lisa whispered in my ear. "I have to get back pretty soon. I still have homework to do." Lisa was a better student than me – a more hard-working one, anyways.
"Skip it. Let's stay here forever."
"Can't. I'd flunk out and my Mom would be mad."
"Crash. OK, then."
"OK – I give." I sighed. I stood and helped her to her feet. "You want me to walk you home?"
"Sure, Cutie. But it's right up the hill – we could practically spit on the dorm from here!"
"Wanna try?" I giggled.
"Maybe next time."
"OK." We linked arms and started up the hill. "I wish it was farther. I wish it was a cycle's walk back to the dorm."
"That's a pretty long ways!" Lisa laughed. "Wouldn't you be worried about running out of things to say?"
"Nah – I wouldn't care. We wouldn't need to talk at all."
"You're such a romantic, aren't you?"
"Only about you."
"Stop it!" No matter how slowly I tried to walk the dorm kept getting closer and closer , crash it. "Speaking of romance – has Linux talked to you about Patch at all?"
"Not much – he's even shyer than me! I can tell he really likes her, though. What about Patch – she said anything?"
"She just says they talk sometimes at lunch. Big file – I could see that!" She frowned thoughtfully. "I don't like it – I worked so deleted hard to set them up and I can't even find out what's going on!"
"Lisa! It's not like there's anything we can do about it."
"Why not? I at least want to know."
"Linux said something about a double-date, before we got grounded..."
"Double-date? Really?" Lisa grinned. "Enzo – that's perfect! Why didn't I think of it? We can watch them in action. Ask him about it tonight, OK? We can go into town this minute-end – I'll get to the bottom of things then!"
"OK." I shrugged. "If you want."
"Graphical!" We were on her doorstep, practically, so we had to unlink arms. "So I'll see you tomorrow, at lunch."
"I'll miss you."
"Stop it – you're being silly! Ask Linux, OK?"
"I will. Wish I could kiss you good-night…"
"I do too, Cutie. Sleep well, OK?"
"I will." I smiled. "Night."
"Night." I had to content myself with a wave, and she disappeared into her building. With a sigh, I turned and headed for home. I thought about what Dot would say if she'd been watching me the last few millis, the last few cycles even. She'd be shocked, I figured – then she'd get all calm and reasonable and I say I was too young, Lisa was too mature for me. She'd tell me I'd understand when I was older. Codeswap that. I thought maybe Bob would sympathize with me, though…
It wasn't just that I loved Lisa – even though I absolutely did, I was sure of that as I could ever be. I liked myself better when I was with her, too. Yeah, I wished I could act more cool and clever around her like Ray does with Mouse, and I knew she was more grown-up than I was. But all that was OK – she was older than me, so of course she was more mature about some stuff. I still liked being with her and thinking totally about another sprite instead of myself. I liked how it made me understand Bob and Dot and Matrix and Andri better, how they felt when they were together. And I liked the fact that Lisa liked me – that she thought I was nice and brave and someone worth being with, and maybe even thought I was hot. Me!
Lisa was still hanging over me like a halo like she usually did after I left her, so even though I should have realized something was wrong the nano I walked into my room I hardly noticed when Linux didn't say anything. Maybe I even thought he was asleep, I dunno. I actually went over to my desk and checked my organizer for messages and downloads, and even got my bathroom stuff together before I hesitated.
"Hey, Dude – you OK?" He was facing the wall, still dressed and he wasn't under his covers, which would be weird if he was asleep. When he didn't respond I walked a little closer and that's when I noticed he was breathing in hard, fast little pants and he was lying sort of curled up. "Linux?" I shook him by the shoulder.
"Leave me alone." He said in a raspy voice.
"Linux! What's the matter?"
"Nothing." I could barely hear him.
I sat on his bed, feeling myself start to get scared. "You sick?" He didn't reply. I squeezed his shoulder and asked him again.
"No."
Then I noticed something funny on his face. I looked closer, and he had a big bruise on his cheek, under his eye. "Linux! What in the net happened?" He still wouldn't really answer me or look at me, so I tried to roll him over and he cried out. That's when I saw the reason he was curled up was that he was grabbing his gut with both arms. "Linux! What happened?"
"N-nothing." His face was pale and he was gritting his teeth. "Go to b-bed."
I recognized that posture too deleted well. I got down on my knees next to his bed. "You got punched in the gut, didn't you? And in the face! What happened?" A pretty clear idea was beginning to compile in my processor.
"Enzo…I…"
"C'mon – we gotta take you to the infirmary."
"No! I c-can't…"
"Linux – c'mon!" A whole stew of emotions were boiling up inside me, mostly anger and fear. Linux had tears on his cheeks and I'll be honest, I wasn't too far away myself. "You might be really hurt."
"No!" He said it with much more force than anything else he'd said since I walked in. "I'm not g-gonna be a snitch."
"Who did it?" I dunno why I asked, since I knew deleted well who – I guess it just seemed like the natural thing to say. Linux didn't answer me right away. "Come on, Dude – I know it was Zip. Did Calisto help him?"
"Yes." Linux whispered. "He held m-me down – like that t-time with you in the rec room."
"Where'd it happen?" I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. I was so mad I could barely think at all.
"D-downstairs. They ambushed me on the way in. Dragged me into the b-bathroom…"
"Crash… It's… It's OK. Just chill, take it easy – you're OK now. Let's go to the infirmary-"
"No! You didn't when you g-got hit… If I tell on them they might k-kill me or something!"
"Crash it all!" I growled. I'd just about let myself think that Zip and Calisto were gonna leave me alone – that I'd survived the worst they had to offer. Now, just when I was really settling in, starting to feel like I belonged, they were back. And the gutless nulls didn't even have the balls to come after me – they beat up my roommate. And I didn't know what to say to Linux – he was right, going to the authorities might be the worst thing for him in the long run, just like it might've been for me. But he was hurt, and I was scared. "I… I don't know… Can you sit up?"
"I dunno." Linux moaned.
"Just try, OK? I want to take a look at you." I got my arms under his shoulders and slowly, slowly lifted him to a sitting position propped against his pillows. He groaned in pain every step of the way, and I was panting myself. "What… Where did they hit you? Do you remember?"
"Of course I remember!"
"Sorry! I'm sorry. Just tell me where, OK?"
He took a deep, unsteady breath. "Calisto held me… And Zip punched me in the b-belly. And then they switched and… Calisto hit me. And then he punched me in the face and…I fell down and they k-kicked me a couple times."
"Oh, User!" I took a close look at the bruise on his cheek, which was a deep reddish purple. His eye was swollen halfway shut, and I tried to remember what little emergency training I'd picked up from Bob or Dot, even Mouse. I figured what I wanted to see was if his cheekbone was broken, although I didn't have any real clue how to tell. "Can you… Can you see out of this eye?"
"Yeah." He rasped. "It's OK except it's shut a little."
"Good." He didn't seem to have any blood in his eye, as far as I could tell – his white was white. I felt around the bruise, gently as I could, but he still squealed. "Sorry! I just want to make sure it's not broken."
"B-Bastards."
"Yeah." I sighed. "If he'd hit you a little higher, he could have really trashed your eye – I bet he did it on purpose, so they wouldn't hurt you so bad they'd get expelled. I think it'll be OK, but I'm not really sure. Maybe we should go-"
"No!"
"OK, OK… It's kinda puffy, but I guess it's just a bruise – I'm no medical program but your eye seems OK. What about your stomach?"
"Hurts like Hell." He grimaced.
"I bet." I squeezed his hand in what I hoped was a reassuring way and lifted up his shirt. "Mouse said you can really get messed up inside when you get punched here – you can get your stomach ruptured."
"Thanks a l-lot!"
"Sorry! Oh, Crash…" He had a fist-sized purple bruise on his belly, right above the navel, and I felt a little sick just looking at it. I felt around it gently. "Does it hurt?"
"Of course it hurts, Nullbrain." Linux panted.
"Did you puke?"
"No… Almost. Ow!"
"I know, I know. It really hurt when Mouse did that to my bruise, too. I don't think it's any worse than mine was. How many times did they hit you in the belly?"
"Once. Then Calisto… Hit me over here." He pointed to his ribcage.
"Shit." I whispered. This bruise was bigger than the other one, and almost black. I was really getting scared now. "I hope he didn't bust a rib or something… I'm going to feel around it, OK? It's gonna hurt."
"OK." He nodded, eyes closed, and gritted his teeth.
"Nulls. Stupid nulls." I gingerly prodded his side, just under and next to the bruise. "Does this hurt a lot?"
"No... Just a little bit." I took a deep breath and softly pressed down on the bruise. "Ooooh, Crash!"
"Sorry!" I panted. "Sorry, sorry. I'm trying to feel your ribs, see if they're broken…"
"Dude, stop! They're not b-broken, OK? But that really hurts!"
"OK." I smiled weakly. "You said they kicked you, too? Where?"
"My bitmap, mostly." He chuckled bitterly.
"Is it… Is it OK?"
"Yeah. Just sore."
"I'll take your word for that, if it's OK." I didn't see anything that matched what I remembered from Bob's descriptions of broken bones or internal bleeding, but I was a long way from confident about it. My processor was racing, trying to decide what I should do. I heard a sniffle from beside me and wrapped my arm around Linux. "I'm really sorry about this, Dude. I'm sorry…"
"It's not your fault. Those guys are outputs."
"Yeah – but if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have beat you up."
"Not your fault." He squeezed a tear out of each eye. "I'll be OK."
"Yeah – you'll be fine." I squeezed him and he fell over against me, snuffling. "If those bruises are any bigger in the morning we're going to the infirmary, and that's that."
"OK."
"Crash it all… I'm really sorry, Linux. Did… Did they say anything to you at all while they were doing it?"
"Not really." He whispered, eyes closed. "They just smiled and kept hitting me. When they left Zip said, "Say Hi to Enzo for us." and they just left me on the floor by the toilets."
"User! I hate them! I hate 'em!" I wiped my eyes and pounded my fist into my hip and didn't even feel it. I took a couple of deep breaths and squeezed Linux again. "We're buddies, Dude – we gotta stick together, like we promised. I'm sorry I got you into this."
"You didn't. Don't be stupid, OK? It's not your fault."
"Yeah. Not my fault." I closed my eyes for a few nanos and listened to Linux' breathing, which seemed to be slowing down a little. "You're gonna be OK, I promise. You think you can sleep?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "I think so."
"Good. I'll be back in a few micros – don't worry."
Linux' eyes jerked open. "Where are you going?"
"I told you – don't worry. Try and go to sleep, OK? You had a rough night."
"Enzo, don't-"
"Don't worry!" I smiled and patted his shoulder. "Those guys aren't gonna bother you anymore, OK? I'll be back in a few nanos, and you better be asleep."
"But…"
"I'll be back. 'Boot into your night clothes and get under your blankets – you'll feel better. Need any help?"
"No, I can manage." He grimaced. "Don't do something stupid, OK? This isn't your fault."
"I know. Back in a flash memory." I hated to leave him, but if we weren't going to the infirmary the best thing was for him to sleep anyway. Or so I figured, being clueless and having to guess. Besides – there was something I had to do and I had to do it soon, before I had a chance to think about it and chicken out.
I hopped in the elevator and headed down towards the first floor. I was trembling all over, partly from fear of what I was gonna do and fear that I was wrong about Linux not being seriously hurt, but mostly from anger at Zip and Calisto. I was furious that anyone would be so utterly stupid and selfish, trying to trash someone's life just because they felt like it. Viruses like Megabyte and Daemon really didn't have any choice about how they acted – they were evil, just by their very code. But Zip and Calisto were sprites, they did have a choice – and they were hurting me and Linux just because they wanted to. At that nano I truly hated them, with every line of code in my body.
I knew that being half-blind with anger wasn't a good state of processor to be in, especially where I was going. It cut against every bit of training and advice I'd ever gotten from Bob and even Matrix. But I couldn't help it – there was a rage burning inside me and it was bigger than my power to control it. My hand was shaking as I knocked on the door of room 115.
Rom answered, looking surprised to see me. "Hey. Enzo, right?"
"Yeah. Is your brother here?" I could already hear Quantum's heavy footsteps clomping towards the door, as Rom threw it open.
"Hey, Little Man. You here for more I/O distillate already? Not hooked, are you?" he winked.
"No – not that."
"Lights out pretty soon – better step lively. What's up?"
I took a big breath. "Do you know Zip's room number?"
The smile left Quantum's face. "What's going on?"
"I just need his room number, OK? I need to have a talk with him."
"What's up, Kid? I never took you for the stupid type. What you want to talk to that guy for, after what he did to you?"
I hesitated, just for a nano. Quantum was so formidable, so reassuring in his goofy, bombastic way – the temptation to spill my guts to him and beg him for help was overwhelming. But I resisted. Until I faced this down once and for all, on my own, I'd always have it hanging over me. I'd always be a little boy. Mouse or Quantum or Ray or whoever could only delay the inevitable. And maybe Linux or someone else I cared about would pay the price for it. My price. "I just need to talk to him, man-to-man. Where's his room?"
"Think you'd be a man short, Shortstop – and I ain't talkin' about you." Quantum said with a lopsided smile.
I smiled back. "Maybe. But I still have to. Do you know where he is?"
"Yeah." Quantum shrugged. "He's in 128 – most of the second-hours are on the first floor. You sure about this, Kid?"
"Yeah. Pretty sure…"
"Your funeral. Don't look over your shoulder, 'cause I won't be there."
"I know." I sighed. "But thanks, though – I mean it."
"NP, Kid. Good luck." I gave Quantum a little open-palm wave and started off. "Don't drop your left!" I heard him shout, just before his door slammed.
I stood and stared at the '128' on the door for a long time. I was aware that it was getting late, that lights out was coming and if I got caught out of my room I'd be in trouble again. I thought about how easy it would be to walk away, just head back up to my room and check on Linux and go to bed. No one would ever know I'd stood outside this door, staring, and walked away. Only me.
I took a deep breath and knocked with a quivering fist. I let my anger come back into me, swallowing up my fear and making me stronger. And braver. And stupider. By the time I heard the door opening I was clenching my fists and bouncing from foot to foot, I was so furious. Zip looked a little surprised to see me, but not shocked. "Hey – it's the little prince! Looking for your Mommy? Oh, that's right – she's deleted."
"You really are a worthless piece of shit, you know that?" Anger and fear were fighting for control of me, and I was trying to juggle them as well as I could without letting either one take over. It wasn't easy.
"Well – that's not a very nice thing to say." Zip grinned. I saw Calisto's ugly face appear behind him. "Someone should wash your mouth out with soap."
"Leave Linux alone." I said in a low voice.
"What – did something happen to your boyfriend?" Calisto cackled.
"Just leave him alone. If you outputs have some sort of stupid problem with me, deal with me."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Peachfuzz." Zip replied in a pleasant tone.
"Yes you do." I snarled. "You gutless bastard. D'you ever get tired of ganging up on kids half your size?"
"Watch your mouth." He boxed my ear and I slapped his arm.
"What'd I ever do to you, anyway?"
"Just because you're in the Academy doesn't mean you're a Guardian, Little Prince. All your powerful friends can't change the fact that you're a pathetic infant who doesn't belong here."
"I earned my way in here!"
"Shut up. You're getting a mighty big head, Peachfuzz – someone needs to remind you what a useless waste of space you are. Call it a service to the Academy."
I could feel the anger part of me rising, growing out of control, but I also knew it was just what Zip wanted. "I don't give a null's ascii what you think. But leave my friends alone! You want me, you deal with me. Or are you afraid?"
"You worthless-"
"No." Zip shut up Calisto, who'd taken a step towards me. "We can't deal with you, can we? Not after you went crying to your friends in high places – they're watching you every nano, practically."
"I didn't go crying to anyone, Nullbrain. Laser's smart – he figured it out on his own."
"I bet. How stupid do you think I am?" Zip laughed.
"No one could possibly be as stupid as I think you are, Zip. I'm not a snitch – I didn't go to anyone for help and I was handling things just fine until you got your trained null to hold me down."
"You got a deletion wish, Infant?" the trained null sneered.
"What's the problem – you can't beat up a little kid half your size? You need someone to hold him for you 'cause you're afraid to fight him man-to-man?" Zip's hands balled up into fists and his jaw got tighter and tighter, and I could see I was pushing him closer to the breaking point, but I couldn't stop myself – I was filled with total contempt for him and even more for Calisto, if that were possible. Part of me really wanted to have this out, right there and then. "You're scared of me?
"I'm scared of nothing – least of all a puny soft-boy like you. You'd love to get rid of me, wouldn't you? But I'm not gonna make it easy. You wanna play games, hide behind your friends – fine. I can play games too." With that he spit on me – for the second time – and slammed the door in my face.
"Zip!" I shouted, pounding on the door. "You're afraid of me, delete it! You hear me? You're a coward!" I pounded on the door a few more times, but there was no reply from inside.
By this time I was breathing hard, panting from anger and exertion and general frustration. A couple of cadets had popped out of their rooms to see what all the fuss was about and not only that, I realized we were only a few doors down from Mr. Garamond's room. Even as pissed off as I was, I knew that could be a bad thing. Besides, I checked my internal clock and it was only a few millis till lights out.
"Coward!" I shouted, banging on Zip's door one last time. "Leave my friends alone!" I shot a dirty look at the guys staring at me, who looked vaguely amused, and headed for the elevator feeling frustrated and unsatisfied with the whole encounter. I don't know what I wanted to happen exactly – not to get beat up, obviously, but something. I knew this wasn't over, and I wanted it to be over.
When I got home I saw that Linux had obeyed orders – that was something, at least. He'd crawled under his blanket and he was sleeping, even though he was breathing a little faster than normal. I remembered Bob telling me that pain releases adrenaline in a sprite's body and makes everything run faster, including the lungs and heart and even the processor. I felt a big stab of guilt looking at him and knowing he was in pain, and if it weren't for me he wouldn't be. Did that make it my fault? I'm not sure, but it hit close enough to make me feel responsible.
It took me a long time to fall asleep – I just stared up at the ceiling in the dark with my hands behind my head, listening to Linux' breathing. What was driving me offline was that I couldn't see any end to this business with Zip and Calisto – Zip had made it clear as could be that he wasn't just gonna let it drop. A war with a virus or a game was different – there were specific objectives you had to meet, and if you met them you won. But what were my objectives now? I wasn't gonna delete Zip, obviously, and I really couldn't go to the teachers or Laser about him. I could see it stretching on and on for the rest of the hour, with Zip finding some new way to make me miserable every time I let my guard down. It wasn't a happy thought, and it wouldn't let me relax. It was a long night.