At approximately 2:00 a.m. (standard fanfic time) Legolas jerked upward and completely erect, his hair going every which way and red mesh marks on his forehead where he had been pressed against Aragorn son of Bob's chain mail. He mentioned to Aragorn that he knew of a short cut through the endless woods that may be of some help to him in his quest for the missing deodorant. It occurred to Aragorn that a short cut had no meaning when they had no real destination, but thought the plot could use some dramatic tension about now.
"Turn left at this red light." Legolas instructed, moving one of his slender arms past Aragorn and pointing to an intersection of roads and trees and such. Aragorn looked around but saw no red light. Legolas insisted it where there, and sure enough, Aragorn looked above and saw a red light burning in the middle of the forest. It flickered and licked at the leaves around it, and the Lone Ranger became suspicious and peered closer. It was indeed no stoplight – it was a campfire left burning in the middle of nowhere!
"My good Elf, your vision is keen and flawless – what do you see around that abandoned camp fire?" he asked, moving to the side so that he could face Legolas and see the fire at the same time. The Elf narrowed his eyes as well, shrugged, and then pulled a pair of wire rims from his quiver.
"I see…midgets." Legolas said simply, folding his glasses back up and putting them away. "Little midgets. I believe I heard them singing, Aragorn."
"Midgets that sing.." Aragorn drew his sword and slid off of Silver. Legolas stumbled after him and half-heartedly bent his bow and fit an arrow into it. He made sure he was for the most part behind the Lone Ranger. Suddenly there was a click from somewhere in the trees, and another. Then an ear-splitting animal cry as two of the midgets swung from ropes made of napkins that were tied to the branches of a tall pine tree, and two other midgets charged their legs.
Aragorn back up into Legolas, who quickly regained his footing and aimed his weapons at the midgets.
"Who are you?" Aragorn inquired bluntly, eyes wide with shock. Whoever these little short people were they had to be crazy to attack two people twice their size. "What business do you have here, and why did you leave your fire burning?"
One of the half lings dropped it's sharp sticks and threw it's hands up in the air. "We surrender!"
"Pippin it's four against two – pick up your weapon!" Merry whispered, and the younger Hobbit did as he was told, though very reluctantly.
"Your short friend is right." Aragorn warned, quickly falling into a ready position with his sword and not seeing how offended the Hobbits had become. "Surrendering is the best option – I am the best swordsman on this side of the Rio Grande and I have here with me the finest archer in the land!"
From the corner of his eye it looked as though Legolas gave a shudder, and he nudged Aragorn in the ribs. "But…Aragorn, I cannot hit a target!" The Elf looked as though he may start crying an second.
"Just play along!" Aragorn hissed at him, but the Hobbits showed no reaction. If they heard him, they didn't care. "Surrender, my vertically challenged opponents!"
"You underestimate us, Human!" The one called Frodo declared, suddenly jumping on Samwise's shoulder's. Pippin hopped up onto Merry's shoulders, and the four Hobbit's suddenly became the equivalent of two Men. They unsheathed their spoons and attacked.
Aragorn didn't want to hurt anyone, so he put his sword away and drew a spoon of his own from a sheath on his body somewhere, and Legolas (nearly in tears) replaced his arrows with spoons. Frodo and Sam quickly came to be a match for Aragorn, and Pippin and Merry already had Legolas surrendering and sobbing uncontrollably.
With a kick, Frodo knocked the spoon from Aragorn's hands and jabbed his own spoon at the Lone Ranger's open throat. "Do you surrender?"
"Legolas, do something!" Aragorn shouted as the two Hobbit's jabbed at him with a spoon. The other two, Merry and Pippin, had found Legolas completely harmless and joined Sam Frodo in the jabbing of spoons. Aragorn, in his desperation, picked up a squirrel and block the spoon's blows. "Legolas, your bow! You can do it if you just believe in yourself!"
The Elf sniffled a little and climbed to his feet, bent his bow and then suddenly began firing plastic utensils (he was not sure where his arrows were at the time) and other household items at the Hobbits – aiming straight for their little Hobbit hearts. Aragorn lay there with the spoons disregarded around his body ( and the squirrels unconscious) and his jaw gaping in awe Legolas' speed.
"Legolas, you are the finest archer in all the land!" he said as he dusted himself off, looking at the Hobbits that were pinned to the trees by their little shirts and knickers. Aragorn turned to look at Legolas, expecting to find a newfound faith in the Elf and self confidence – instead Legolas cried. "My good archer, you defeated the Hobbits! What could possibly vex thee?"
"I'm fast, yes," Legolas sobbed, rubbing his eyes and sniffling as he pointed to the Hobbits. "But I cannot hit anything! I was aiming for their hearts."
Aragorn could only pat his new friend's back. "At least you hit somewhere within a ten foot radius of the targets."
Legolas wailed.
--- --- ---
The evil wizard banged his fist on the table so hard that his Love My Nails kit scattered to the floor. Saruman scowled as he gazed into his magic paperweight.
"Gollum! Come here!" he called, and a nicely dressed yet very old creature thing walked into the room with a pack of Virginia Slims in his pocket. The wizard paid no heed to his oddity and clenched his fists in anger, turning to the creature Gollum. "They're all standing around and singing! What could they possibly be up to, Baegel?!"
Gollum, or Baegel as he was once known, looked into the magic paperweight. "It looks like they are standing around and singing, my lord."
Saruman would have hit Gollum if he had not been so deep in thought. "They're hiding something." He looked to the creature in the suit and saw that Gollum was choking. "What is it now, you vial creature?" he hurled Gollum's inhaler medication at it. "Asthma again?!"
But Gollum was unconscious. He should have seen the pattern years ago when all of his Orcs died – it was his terrible stench.
I must find a way to get my hands on this deodorant. he thought, and the wheels in his evil mind twirled and twirled like drunken elephants in little pink tutus. And that Lone Ranger knows where it is. I must find him.
"Gollum! I have a job for you!"
--- --- ---
"Sorry for the spoon attack." Frodo said as he shoved a piece of bread into his mouth. "We thought you were coming to attack us for making a fire in the woods."
Aragorn sat back and watched the Hobbits eat. "Why would we attack you?"
"We thought you were that…bear."
This piqued the Lone Ranger's curiosity. "What bear, Pippin?"
"Smokey the Bear!" Pippin piped up, and was quickly swatted at by Merry. Aragorn said nothing, just raised an eyebrow to his hairline again.
"Okay."
It was silent for about five minutes, then, "Why do not the four of you join our quest?" Aragorn offered, feeling that valiant tingle reach his chest again.
"A quest for what?" Sam asked.
"To find the missing deodorant – a force so terrible that it could give the evil Saruman chance to enslave the world. And I, well, myself and Legolas, must stop him!" The Lone Ranger was now standing tall, the light of the fire dancing on him. Only silence followed.
Finally, "Who's Saruman?"
Aragorn just stared at the Hobbits, bewildered. "The evil wizard…Saruman…the one that lives in the towers of Isengard?"
Blank stare.
"White hair?"
Blank stare.
"Very long, usually manicured nails?"
Broken silence.
"Didn't we see a chap like that at Winn Dixie?" Sam asked Frodo, and the two Hobbit's regarded each other for a moment in recollection.
"The one that stank to high heaven?" Pippin asked, and Merry followed up with,
"The one that made the produce section die?"
"That's the guy!" Aragorn said proudly, unsheathing his sword. "So what is your decision, my vertically challenged friends?"
The Hobbits glanced at one another, and then at him.
"Hell no."
Aragorn felt his heart drop. "No? Why not?"
"Well, for one, we are not the adventurous type. You see," Frodo paused and signaled for his friends to stand with him. "We are a starving medieval boy band called 'High Places'. We're waiting for our record to platinum and then we will attempt flight without the aid of an aircraft!"
"An aircraft?" Legolas' voice came from somewhere in the darkness. It sounded soft and broken hearted – clearly he had just finished another crying session (and bottle of wine). "What is an aircraft?"
"Honestly?" Merry shrugged. "We don't know, but it's an exciting name, no doubt."
"There is just one problem." Frodo said with a disappointed note. "We have no talent. How can our record go platinum if we have no talent?"
Aragorn's eyebrow was once again at his hairline. "What I want to know is how a record can go platinum when it hasn't even been written yet?"
Frodo shrugged and once again dropped to the ground with his friends. "Our hopes and dreams have gone poof! out the window."
"But that cannot be! Surely you have talent! All boy bands have talent." Aragorn said cheerily, hoping that his words would mean something to these sad Hobbits. "Well not all boy bands. But I'm sure you four have lots of it!"
"It's our dream to become like N'Stink or the Backside Boys." Merry said, a little unmerrily (stop the punishment!). "They are truly talented!"
"Nonsense!" Aragorn said, pulling them all up on their feet. "If they can get away with shaking their hips and implying sexual actions while making gut wrenching noises in their throats, so can you! It's like I said to my good friend Legolas the Elf: all you have to do is believe in yourself!"
"But…Legolas is wallowing in self pity.." Pippin pointed out, and Aragorn found nothing to do but agree.
"I suppose we could join your quest, Lone Ranger friend." Frodo said, holding out hand and shaking Aragorn's. "I am Frodo Baggins of Bag End. My uncle, Bilbo J. Baggins left it to me when he went to the nursing home. These are my friends Merry, Pippin, and my interior decorator Samwise."
"I am Aragorn son of Bob." Aragorn said, then turned to Legolas and pulled the Elf to his feet, but ended up carrying him. "This is Legolas the archer – but you already met him."
And so they all mounted Silver: Aragorn in front with Legolas sleeping soundly behind him, and the four hobbits lined up behind him.
And into the dawn they rode!