a/n: Thank you all (Endomiel, boromirfan, michett and Meir Brin) for your reviews! This chapter is, of course, silly and makes no sense but then again the entire fic is silly and makes no sense.
Hope you all enjoy!
Chapter Six
Legolas sniffled softly and did not move despite the commotion around him. His head was resting on Boromir's broad chest and his fist was curled around the neck of his random alcohol bottle that he always seemed to have with him. Boromir shifted from under him and he heard the sound of scampering Dwarf and Hobbit feet.
"Gimli, it's your turn to stay behind and hold the fort!" a thickly accented Dwarf voice bellowed as the other Dwarves evacuated the station through a door in the back of the room. The last one saluted him and then left, closing and locking the door behind him from the outside. Gimli panicked and turned to the Hobbits, who promptly ran into the cage with Boromir and Legolas and locked themselves in.
"What are you doing?!" Gimli bellowed as the pounding on the door increased. Realizing their motive (who would not want to be close to the Captain of Gondor in a moment such as this?) he opened the bars and locked the cell. It was now terribly crowded. Boromir was shoved against the bars with Legolas pressed against his back and the Hobbits pressed into his side. Gimli was jammed between the wall and Merry and Sam.
"Oh, this is just perfect, you imbecile of a Dwarf!" Boromir bellowed, which only made Legolas begin to cry and shake. "Now we are sitting ducks!"
"We are all going to die!" Legolas sobbed, and Boromir felt the Elf wrap his arms around him from behind and sob into his shoulder blades. Boromir rolled his eyes in misery as the doors were broken down and a particularly ugly Uruk-hai soldier stumbled in, holding a particularly dangerous looking blade.
He looked around the room, and his eyes fell on the people stuffed in the cage. "Lurtz want to kill!"
Legolas gripped Boromir tighter and whispered to the Hobbits, "Did you hear that? He said he wanted to kill!"
"I hope he doesn't have a taste for Hobbits.." Frodo whispered back. "I have an idea…why don't we let him have his way with Boromir?"
Boromir turned to glare at Frodo. "What?!"
"Well…you are the only one of us that can fight besides Legolas.." Pippin agreed, and ducked when Boromir swung a fist in his direction but kept on talking. "You could probably beat him!" Boromir scowled at all the hopeful faces that stared at him with huge puppy eyes.
"Lurtz FIGHT!"
"You heard him!" Frodo piped. "Lurtz fight! You owe me this, brother!"
Boromir quirked an eyebrow, wondering exactly why he owed the Halfling anything but a kick in the lower extremities, but pulled himself shakily to his feet with a ragged sigh. "Alright, alright. I will do it, but do not even start to fancy that I am doing it for you ungrateful rat-catching nut hooks!" Merry began to giggle, and Boromir shot him an ugly glare. "What?!"
"Rat-catching nut hooks?"
"Silence, Halfling." Boromir, after nearly trampling the cell's occupancy and getting a boost off of Gimli's helmet, stumbled out of the cell and dusted himself off. Immediately after he had left, the Dwarf and Hobbits shut the barred door and locked it again from the inside. Boromir snorted, rolled his eyes and held up a hand for Lurtz to wait a moment, moving to get his sword.
"Lurtz fight tiny pathetic beardy man!" Lurtz boomed in a very animalistic voice, and hammered his hands on his chest. Boromir waited for the attack. Lurtz just moved right in, and Boromir thrust his blade straight into the chest of the Uruk-hai. Lurtz shook with laughter and pulled the blade out effortlessly and tossed it to the side; out of Boromir's hands and onto the floor. "Beardy man make Lurtz bleed but Lurtz no care! Lurtz want kill beardy man!"
"Boromir, be cautious!" Legolas shouted. "He said he wants to kill you!"
"I heard him, Legolas!" Boromir bellowed, and tried to think through the sudden panic that overcame him.
"Lurtz want to tear out beardy man's bones and sell them to Saruman so Saruman make muffins and give Lurtz extended vacation to Dunland!"
"Boromir, run!" Legolas called again, and his voice shook with fear and emotion. "He said he wants to steal your bones and sell them to Saruman so that Saruman can make muffins and give him an extended vacation to Dunland!"
"I heard him, Legolas, thank you." He snapped through clenched teeth, then tensed in further wonder. "Why would anyone in their bloody right mind want to go to Dunland?" Then it further occurred to him that Lurtz, of all creatures, was not in his right mind.
"Lurtz like Dunland!" the Uruk-hai shouted defensively, then stooped and tossed Boromir effortlessly over his shoulder with a laugh. Boromir looked at the people in the cell with a bewildered expression.
"Where is he taking me?!"
"Come back with our friend, you foul beast!" Legolas ordered through the cage, and Lurtz turned around with a sneer.
"Is Elf man going to cry if Lurtz doesn't?" he began to roar with laughter when suddenly there was a gut-wrenching noise and he toppled to the ground. Boromir scrambled to his feet and stumbled away from the body, then gave everyone else a triumphant grin.
"What did you do, friend Boromir?" Legolas asked, wiping his eyes of fresh tears.
"I always keep a copy of People in my back pocket." Boromir explained, and kept the triumphant grin on his face while pulling what seemed to be a rolled up magazine from Lurtz' back, then tossed it over to the now open cell. Pippin was the first to get his little mitts on it and his eyes widened as he skimmed through it.
"Boromir, who is Hugh Hefner?"
Three hours later…"I cannot believe you defeated Lurtz, Boromir." Legolas said in awe. A box of Kleenex was planted next to him along with his usual bottle of alcoholic products and a list of negative traits he held, and he sniffled softly every once in a while. "It was nice of Gimli put our cell away from Lurtz' cell."
"Yes, well, whatever 'hospitality' the Dwarf has shown us I still say we should be treated better than our belongings." Boromir snarled, trying not to shiver or show that he was cold. He was clad only in his breeches and socks, as was Legolas – Gimli had stripped them of their belongings (quite literally) about three hours ago. The Elf next to him was openly shaking with the chill in the air, while the Hobbits and Gimli drank beer by the fire.
"Aye…and to think you defeated Lurtz and you are still being treated so ill.." he took a long swig of his drink, and then offered it to his cellmate. Boromir shook his head (no need to get drunk with an Elf). "You must feel quite worthless. If you feel anything like me, that is punishment enough for assaulting the Dwarf."
The Elf prepared to take another swig, but Boromir snatched it from him and down the rest of the bottle himself. Legolas slapped his shoulder.
"Good for you, Boromir, good for you!"
Gimli, suddenly, began rattling the bars. "Both of you, we have another problem! About twenty or thirty Uruk-hai are about to burst through that door!"
Boromir was instantly on his feet, and Legolas next to him. "What?!"
"Thirty Uruk-hai?!" Legolas wailed, then began to sob with fear and grief. "Oh…now it will truly all end…Ai, why did I not live when I had the chance?!" Boromir grabbed the Elf with both arms and quickly exited the newly opened cell.
"This way." Gimli ushered them all out the door, Lurtz included. But he stopped Lurtz before the Uruk-hai could exit. "Lurtz, you are free to go. Do you not want to join the other Uruk-hai?"
Lurtz shook his head, and before anyone could anticipate his next move, he wrapped both arms and lifted Boromir (with Legolas) up in a bear hug. "Lurtz stay with Boromir and depressed Elf man! Lurtz love Boromir and want to read Hugh Hefner magazine with Boromir!"
"I will have you know that the magazine was not mine." Boromir replied in a strangled tone, but Lurtz only hugged him harder and forced a yelp out of him.
"Lurtz love Boromir!" he sniffled. "Lurtz is not accepted by other Uruk-hai. Other Uruk-hai laugh and call him names. Never let poor Lurtz join any Uruk-hai games. But then one foggy mid-summer's eve Saruman came and say, "Lurtz, go kill beardy man." So Lurtz tried to but failed. Lurtz no go back!"
By the end of the tale, not one eye was dry (especially not Legolas').
"Then come with us, Lurtz! We'll let you join our…ehh…multi-racial games!" Gimli exclaimed, and the rogue Uruk-hai gave a cheer. Together, all piled on the same horse (Man, Hobbit(s), Elf, Dwarf and Uruk-hai), they rode off into the night while the other Uruk-hai completely demolished the entire Dwarf-police station but stopped to watch a Martha Stewart collection on how to make your bathroom a kingdom using pastel colored towels and shower curtains.
From that day on, every Uruk-hai that had invaded the police station had decided that it really was a wonderful life and were thankful for a second chance at it. And in the after-days it was said that they knew how to keep house well, if any fell beast alive possessed the knowledge.
As for our Heroes, you'll just have to read on.