a/n: Thank you all for your reviews! Special thanks to Sam for the title, lol. ^.^

disclaimer: I'm broke, I own nothing and I do not and would not like to own N'Sync or any of their music.

Chapter Seven

"Aragorn!" Boromir had widened the mouth of the horn of Gondor and was using it as a megaphone. "Aragorn, come down here right now, we must leave right now! Right now!" he dropped his arms to his sides in resignation. "Eh, is he even listening to a word I am saying?!"

Legolas took a swig of his liquor and shook his head. "Probably not."

Boromir exhaled sharply through his nose and threw his hands in the air. "Oh, why do I even bother? He's up there with that sticky tart of an Elf maiden and they are probably necking like two leeches on a hemophiliac!" The other members of the little crew blinked at him, but Lurtz tromped up and slapped a warm hand on Boromir's back. The captain of Gondor was sent flying forward, but Lurtz did not seem to notice.

"Lurtz help! Lurtz love Boromir!"

"Why is that not a comforting thought?" the captain shook his head and crawled wearily back to his spot on the log next to Legolas, where the Elf offered him a drink. He declined. Lurtz marched up to the tower and slammed one of his massive fists into the side of it.

It rumbled, and a very feminine shriek could be heard from the very top. Minutes later, Aragorn stumbled to the window and looked down.

"May I help you?"

"Friend Aragorn son of Bob, are you not going to continue your quest for the missing deodorant?" Legolas called up, his clear voice piercing everyone's ears and nearly shattering the bottle in his hands. "If our world is truly at stake then we must leave and seek the deodorant right now, as Boromir says!"

Aragorn looked kind of disappointed, but nodded. "Right, then. I will be down in a minute." he looked at Lurtz and raised his eyebrows. "Tell me…who is this charming young man, Boromir? And…why is he squeezing the life out of you…?"

Legolas glanced over to see that what Aragorn had described in question, and turned his gaze back to Aragorn. "He is Lurtz. We found him when we got arrested and escaped from the other non-fun loving Uruk-hai and let him join us. As you can see,' he waved a graceful hand to where Boromir gasped for breath. "…he as grown quite attached to Boromir."

Aragorn nodded and held up a finger for them to wait, then disappeared once more into the tower.

Up in the tower, Aragorn turned to the fair maiden Arwen and took her hands in his. "Oh, Lady Arwen, fairest of all beings, come with me! Be at my side when I destroy the missing deodorant and save all of Middle Earth from torment!"

Arwen covered her mouth with both hands as if she had said something horrible, and turned her eyes away. "Alas, I cannot, my dear Aragorn. I am only a frail maiden and would not last one minute in the cruel world.."

"I would protect you, Lady!" Aragorn cried, and took clasped both her hands to his solar plexus. "Can you not feel my heart about to breech the walls of my chest with excitement? I love you, and if you do not come with me then I shall not leave!"

Arwen felt tears well up in her eyes because there had to be some romance in this story sometime and tears always seem to go with romance. "Oh…Aragorn…if you care for me that much and cannot complete this task without me, then I shall go!"

Aragorn grinned drunkenly and leaned in closer. "Kiss me."

Arwen blushed and gasped softly, then said, "No…you kiss me. If I kiss you the readers will label me a whore."

Aragorn blinked. "Right." and then he seized her soft lips in a passionate kiss. Arwen, being the respectable and chaste Elven princess she was, brought her hand to the back of his head and forced the kiss to be an even fiercer one. Aragorn soon lost his footing and brought Arwen down on top of him. Quickly and carefully, he instantaneously flipped their positions so that he was atop her and not her on him.

He supported himself above her with his palms flat on the ground and his mouth hovering inches from hers.

"Oh, Aragorn.." she breathed, her chest rising and falling with every heavy breath (and her dress seemed to ride lower and lower with every breath she took). "Be my king…kiss me again.." Aragorn kissed her once more, this time using the wonderful instrument known as the tongue. Arwen squirmed with delight under him, and forced him down on top of her.

Down on the ground, all sitting around a campfire that had been lit with the aid of Legolas' liquor, the Company waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"How long does it take the man to pack?" Frodo wondered aloud, and only received grumbles and groans in reply. "Just curious…" he muttered, and looked to Legolas, who seemed to be staring sadly at the fire that consumed his precious liquor. "Legolas, why don't you sing for us?"

"Why me?" Legolas asked in a broken voice, chin on his pale hands. "You four are the boy-band…and I am certain you are leagues better than I at the art." New sobs rose up in his chest and one of Lurtz' big arms went around his shoulders.

"Elf man no cry. Lurtz like Elf man."

"T-Th-thank…you…Lurtz." Legolas croaked between sobs, and buried his face in the Uruk-hai's shoulder. Gimli just rolled his eyes and looked to the Hobbits.

"Are you four not supposed to be singing? Hmm?"

"Well…" Sam looked to the ground. "We're a little shy.."

"Go on then!" Gimli bellowed. "You will never get anywhere sobbing like a drunken Elf!" Legolas wailed and Lurtz stroked his back. "Get on with it!"  Frodo motioned for the other hobbits to stand, and they all lined up before the fire. Frodo began in an abnormally high voice.

--- --- ---

"You are all about to embark upon a great crusade – " Saruman paused and squinted down at the crowd of unconcious Orcs and Wild Men, then threw his hands up; exasperated. "Not again! Every time I bloody organize an army to reek havoc upon the Earth they always slip into comas! You!" he looked to Gollum as the bent over creature entered. "Tell me you have brought me the deodorant!"

"Nay, master, I.." Gollum suddenly felt his gag reflexes leap up in alert and waved his arms frantically as though they would help him breathe. "My Lord…please! Put your arms down!"

Saruman rolled his eyes and dropped his arms at his sides. "Well?"

"I was pursued." he gasped. "Chased by a nassssty drunken Elf!"

Saruman stroked his beard. "I see…we will have to dispose of these nuisances…" there was a faint 'ding' in the distance. "Gollum! Go check the brownies."

"Yes, master."

--- --- ---

"Hey, hey! Bye, bye, bye!" Frodo turned and did a strange maneuver that involved swinging a fist above his head and thrusting his pelvis out while the other hobbits copied him. "I'm doin' this tonight – "

"Enough!" Boromir cried. "That is terrible, what is that?!"

Pippin and the other hobbits sat heavily down, now looking very blue. "Our song."

"It was hideous." Boromir shuddered, but looked around him. The tower seemed to be shaking, and he scowled and called absently, "Lurtz, stop hitting the tower."

"Lurtz no hitting tower." Lurtz replied, still comforting Legolas. The Elf sniffled and looked up to the tower, and narrowed his eyes. His Elvish ears must have picked something up that the others did not, because seconds later he yelped.

Boromir shot to his feet. "Should we go and check on them?"

Legolas, trembling and traumatized, shook his head. "No…whatever you do, my friend, do not check on them!"