Day eighteen, nearing midnight
For as the curtain rose I danced as I was able
Felt my deception slowly sinking in
Under the starry sky, the forest was alive with the sound of nocturnal beasts on the prowl and smaller animals searching for food. The wind blew through the leaves, rustling them gently. Amidst the noise of the wilderness was a different noise, something more familiar and recognizable.
"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Tai called, leaning against a tree as he got his breath back. He tried to listen for the sound of footsteps in the woods, but the sound of his heart overrode most everything else. Suddenly, he heard a twig snap to his left, and he was off again, darting through the trees in the dangerous shadows created by the light of the moon. He heard a laugh, and he lunged to the right, his fingers brushing against cotton fabric before Matt moved out of reach again.
"What's the matter, Tai? Can't catch me?" The voice was behind him, but when he turned, he could barely make out the shape of Matt fleeing in the other direction. He gave chase, his footsteps and heavy breathing following close behind Matt's breathless form. They had been running for nearly an hour, playing tag in the dark of the woods. In a few short days, they knew that they would have to go home and face the world, so they were taking the time to grow closer and tighten the bond of friendship that held them together.
"Gotcha!" Tai lunged forward, his fingers once again brushing the material of Matt's shirt. The blonde turned at the last second, and Tai stumbled forward, losing his balance and crashing into the undergrowth as Matt moved away, laughing. "Almost," he amended.
"Not close enough," Matt's voice was a low tenor, winded and amused. "I didn't think you used to be this slow, Tai," the blonde mocked, feeling cocky and exhilarated all at once.
"I'm just trying to give you a chance, Matt. What fun would it be if I caught you at the beginning?"
"You're right. There is nothing more amusing in this world that watching you jump at air only to fall flat on your face. Very, very amusing."
Tai pushed himself up from the ground and looked to his left, where Matt was standing in the shadows with his arms crossed. Though it was night, there was still enough light coming through the trees that they could make out each other's whereabouts, as long as the other wasn't hiding under a tree or in the bushes. They stilled for a moment, the sounds of the night mingling with the thud of their hearts as they gazed at each other. Their gazes couldn't meet because of the dark, but they could feel the other looking, could almost hear the gears turning in their heads as they waited.
"Ready to go back?" Tai's voice broke the spell that had held them both bound, and Matt nodded, stepping back closer, into the light where Tai could see him better.
"Which way's back?" Matt asked softly, as if afraid that speaking too loud would bring negative consequences. Tai smiled, and the stars reflected in his eyes for a moment, making him look both breathtaking and devilish for an instant.
One dark hand was offered with the smile, and Matt took it. "We'll play follow the leader." That brought a chuckle from the blonde as Tai started moving, turning in the general direction of the cabin. They walked back without talking, their hands linked to keep them together in the night.
In thinking, Tai found some symbolism in this. They would be going back in a few days, and in the real world, he would have to let go, at least a little. Before, when Matt was sick, he had been needed, whether the blonde wanted him to help or not. Just like now, as they walked through the woods.
The cabin represented the real world, where Matt would slip his hand away and move onto his next thing, leaving Tai do divert himself while keeping an eye on his best friend. Matt would never truly be far away, but the distance was more than Tai wanted, more than he had ever wanted. If he had his way, he'd never let go.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Day twenty, morning
"I don't want to go home tomorrow, Tai." Matt's voice was edgily high, the emotion in his words causing an ache in Tai's chest. The brunette wanted to reach out and offer his comfort, but Matt was curled into the corner of the bed, his arms circled about his knees defensively. Tai had the distinct impression that this was Matt's way of defending against the following day, when Mr. Ishida would arrive to take them home. They would ride back together, and that night, thirty-six hours from the current moment, would be the first that they had spent apart in three weeks.
Tai sighed, wishing the blonde would look at him. He was seated in the middle of the bed, facing Matt, his legs bent cross-legged and his right elbow resting on his leg. "There isn't a lot of choice, Matt. School will be starting in two days. The band's anxious to have you back. Your brother is going crazy, because he and Daisuke have some bet going and I'm guessing that it has something to do with us being up here."
Blue eyes closed. "I don't want what I had, Tai." Matt leaned his head back against the wall, heaving a tired sigh.
"Then we'll get you what you do want, Matt." He was trying to be as understanding as possible, but they'd already been up for an hour and a half, and the blonde showed no sign of opening up completely. Tai had a sinking feeling that he was missing a piece, and without that piece, the puzzle would never be complete, and Matt would always be…Matt.
He sighed, dropping his head to his hand and rubbing his temple tiredly. They'd gone to bed late last night, and he was tired. After making his way to the outhouse at dawn, he had come back to find Matt awake and in his current position. Ninety minutes later, the only thing that had moved was the sun arcing across the sky.
"Tai, if you had a choice, where would you be in this very moment?" Brown eyes looked up sharply, but Matt wasn't looking at Tai; to absorbed in his knees was he.
"Odd as this may sound, Yama, I'd choose here."
"This cabin?"
"This cabin, this moment, with you. I missed you, Yama, and there is no way that I'll ever let things get that bad again. I don't know what I'd do without you in my life."
"What did you do?" Tai blinked, before realization kicked in. He thought back over the previous year, the initial withdraw, the resulting pain, loneliness and fear. He had been so afraid that he'd done something wrong and made Matt stop being his friend, that he had jumped over the healing process and jumped back into society, making new friends and pretending that his heart wasn't broken. He had been watching from the sidelines, but with the distance between them, he hadn't seen how bad things were until it was almost too late.
"I don't know how to answer that, Yama. I could tell you about meeting new people, and joining new clubs, and about the night that I almost slept with some girl after having someone drug my drink at a party." Matt did look up then, his brows furrowed in a frown. Tai went on. "I could tell you a lot of things that I did, Yama, and not a one of those truths would mean a thing. I could tell you what I was or what I wasn't without you, but that would get redundant."
"How did you feel?"
It was a more pointed question, and Tai took another moment before answering. Matt's eyes trapped his now, and there would be no escape from the truth. "I was lonely. Miserable. That old saying about being alone in a crowd of people is true. But I haven't lied to you, Yama. I was better off than you were. I thought I had done something wrong, and I was afraid that we would never be this close again. I was so afraid of that. But I watched you, and I knew that you weren't happy anymore. And, as sadistic and mean as this sounds, I was happy that you weren't happy."
"That is twisted." Matt agreed, his eyes dark with pain and an underlying understanding.
Tai chuckled dryly. "You were as miserable without me as I was without you. I figured it would be a matter of time before we started talking again. I thought that we could heal everything, and that it would all be okay again."
"Things only got worse."
"Yeah. That tends to happen sometimes." Tai sighed and tried smiling slightly. Matt's lips curled up in response, before turning back down.
"Will you do me a favor?"
"Anything." There was no hesitation.
"Don't make me be alone. Not right away. I know it's asking a lot…"
"It's not a problem." Tai cut in, reaching out finally to touch Matt's arm gently. He smiled at the blonde, eyes gentle. "There isn't anything you can't ask of me that I won't give you, Yama."
They stared at each other for a moment, and then Matt smiled, resting his hand over Tai's. "Thanks, Tai." Pulling away, he moved off the bed and walked towards the kitchen area. "What do you want for dinner?"
~~~~~~______~~~~~~
Day twenty-one, midmorning
"Hey, guys!" Daisuke hopped out of the front seat, grinning wide. The driver side door opened, and Mr. Ishida stepped out, his face a mask of tortured silence. "Ready to go?"
"Yeah, just a second, Dais." Tai rolled his eyes, turning to smile and wink at Matt before he turned back to the cabin for their stuff. "This should be a fun ride home."
The blonde laughed, stepping toward the car. "What happened? Did you trade TK in for the Loud One?" Daisuke smiled at the insult, hopping inside the cabin. He helped Tai carry the bags to the car, and then ran back to the cabin to shut and lock the door. Matt's guitar case leaned in plain sight against the wall beside the door.
"He was waiting by the car when I came out this morning. He actually asked if he could come with me, and since your brother and mother were too busy, I figured I could use the company." Mr. Ishida sighed. "Next time, I'll find a deranged hitchhiker that will probably kill me."
"Ah, it wasn't that bad." Daisuke exclaimed, slamming the hood of the trunk. "We got to talk about a lot of different subjects, and we stopped for lunch at that restaurant he went to the first time, and I showed him where the Yagami's pulled over to let me out of the back of the car."
Matt raised an eyebrow, listening half-heartedly as Daisuke rambled on. When he finally paused to take a breath, Tai clamped a hand over his mouth. "Let's go before it gets dark, okay?" Daisuke rolled his eyes, but nodded. "We're ready when you are, Mr. Ishida."
Matt began to climb into the back seat, but his father's voice halted him. "I haven't seen you in weeks, son. Get up here." Once buckled in, Mr. Ishida whispered, "Besides, I am not spending another hour with Daisuke sitting in the passenger seat." Matt gaped at the rude comment, but his father glanced back at the russet haired boy in the back seat and winked. A spark of easy acknowledgment and amusement passed between the two. "What's the plan, boys? Am I taking Tai straight home?"
"If it's okay with you, sir, I'd like to stay at your place for a while." Tai replied, looking at Matt from his vantage point behind the driver's seat. The blonde turned to look at him, then at his father.
"That would be fine, Taichi." Mr. Ishida agreed.
Daisuke grinned, buckling his seatbelt. "Hey, cool. Can I spend the night, too?" The other three groaned as the car began its descent down the mountain.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Takeru took the phone from his mother, one blonde brow raised in question. She mouthed the word 'Daisuke'. He sighed, putting the phone to his ear with trepidation. "What's up, Dais?"
"He didn't tell him. Somewhere along the line, he chickened out." Takeru didn't have to ask whom, which was good because Daisuke didn't give him a chance to speak as he went on. "I am so ashamed of that boy. Forget him. I can't believe he hasn't told your brother yet."
Takeru rolled his eyes. His mother caught the look and smiled slightly. "They're only seventeen, Dais. Give him a chance. They've been home all of what, an hour? Go take a nap, Dais, and wait for me to call you with my request for winning your bet."
Daisuke groaned. "Come on, Takeru. You're not really going to hold me to that, are you?"
"Yes." The phone clicked off on the Takaishi end, leaving Daisuke to hold a silent receiver in his hand. He replaced the phone slowly; his face fearful as he tried to come up with every possible thing that Takeru could ask him for. The options were endless, and he knew that the blonde wouldn't hold anything back.
~~~~~______~~~~~
Two days later, the first day of school
School went back into session without a hitch. Classes resumed the second Monday of August. Matt spent most of the day warding off questions about the cancelled concerts, and whether or not he was going to be going back to the band. It didn't help that the rest of the band didn't go to his school, where, seemingly, most of the student body was comprised of their fans.
Luckily, Tai was beside him the entire time, answering some questions, skirting others, and coming up with good excuses for them both to get away. Lunch had been particularly painful. He had tried sitting with his old friends, the people that he and Tai had grouped into a sort of club before things got bad, back when he and Matt were still best friends. The peace had lasted for mere seconds before fan girls had swarmed over him, each offering advice and the comfort of their company. Some even offered their bodies.
Before the mauling could begin, Tai bumped into him, pouring milk down the front of his own shirt. Matt was then dragged away on the pretense that he needed to help Tai get cleaned up. In the bathroom, they laughed about it. Matt had a difficult time not staring at the shirt clinging to Tai's chest. Either Tai didn't notice, or the brunette chose not to say anything, because he wiped off his shirt without a word, and then snuck them out of the bathroom and to their next class, dodging groups of fans and students alike as they bypassed their empty lockers. As silly as it seemed, that desperate act to get away from the fans helped settle some of the emotions that Matt was feeling.
The last period teacher was rather boring, and more than one student could be heard snoring. Unfortunately, talking was out of the question, because the instructor had a highly tuned form of selective hearing, in which he could catch the lowest whisper, but not the loudest snore.
When school was over for the day, Tai walked with Matt to the bus station, and they rode across town to rehearsal. The band had let him have the few days before school off, but they were obviously eager and ready to get back into the swing of creating and performing music. The building they used was an empty warehouse that belonged to Gendo's parents. The echoes were balanced by sheets, blankets and mats that they had hung haphazardly from the wall, leaving the space rather odd looking, but musically okay.
The boys stepped into the studio and blinked in the dim lighting, Tai holding the door for Matt to precede him. "Matt!" A girl squealed, and they both turned in surprise as a slender form lunged from the shadows and attached itself to Matt. "Oh, I'm so glad to see you. That annoying jerk I call a brother wouldn't tell me where you were!" Jun Motomiya pulled back just enough that she could look at him, and look for signs that he had been doing badly in her absence. "You look okay. I guess that they took care of you. Why didn't you tell me that you were going away?"
"I didn't know," Matt tried to push her away, and only succeed in getting his arms pinned between them. He looked to Tai for help, and raised an eyebrow at the obvious amusement on the brunette's face. With a smirk, Tai stepped forward and tickled the girl, causing her to loosen her hold as she jerked and laughed, trying to evade his attack. Matt stepped back hurriedly, smiling slightly. Tai stopped his ministrations, leaving the breathless girl in a puddle on the floor, arms folded protectively at her sides as she glared up at him.
"That wasn't very nice, Tai!" She stood up slowly.
"We told you that you weren't supposed to be here, Jun. Leave, or we'll have Tai help you out," Akemi called out threateningly. The girl glared at Akemi and left, but not before hugging Matt one more time, squeezing him until Akemi wondered if Matt would pass out from lack of oxygen. When she was gone, he rolled his eyes, and focused his gaze on Tai and Matt. "About damn time. We've had to put up with her for the past ten minutes. What took you guys so long?"
Matt shrugged and responded, "We walked part of the way."
"Whatever. Where's your guitar so that we can start?" asked Gendo. Matt paused for a moment, then turned to Tai with an expression of horror. The brunette nodded in understanding, moving so that he was standing in front of Matt, half-shielding him from the rest of the band to protect him from whatever they might say.
"It got left at the cabin. Is there something he can use until he gets it back?"
"What cabin?" asked Itsu, glaring at Tai suspiciously. "Why have you been hiding my Yamato for three weeks?"
Gendo simply looked at them coldly, ignoring Itsu's jealousy. "Great, Tai. You tell us we have to make do without Matt for three weeks, and then you both disappear off the face of the planet." Matt looked sharply at Tai's back. He had thought that the band had willingly given him the time off, but he should have known better. Tai had arranged everything so well, including his break from the band. Gendo went on, his eyes and voice cold. "Yeah, there's something else that he can use, but it's not the same. He needs his guitar, and we don't have a lot of time to wait until he gets it back. We have an interview with a record label, and he'll need something that he's good on."
"It will be here tomorrow. Just give him something for the time being." Tai turned around, sighing when he saw the dangerous glint in Matt's eyes. He lowered his voice. "I told them you needed time off. You needed to get away, and they weren't willing, so…" he trailed off. Brown eyes looked into blue. "Just play today. Your dad will pick you up in a couple of hours, or you can get a ride home with them."
"And my guitar?"
"It will be here tomorrow, Matt. I promise." Tai walked away, leaving the blonde to the hands of his band-mates. They looked at him, their expressions blank until the door shut behind Tai, leaving them in the privacy of the mini-studio.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
When he tried to call Tai later that evening, his mother told him that he was out and wasn't expected back. He left a message with her, and then curled into a ball by the phone. He had ended up walking home from band practice. The two hours he spent with them had been nothing but torture. They hadn't bothered to hide their disgust in the fact that he had run off and left them in the lurch, and they wasted little time in welcoming him back in. After a hundred and twenty minutes spent between stony silence and stilted music, he had walked out, leaving them to glare at his back.
His father wasn't home when he got there. He found a message on the machine, saying that he was working late and wouldn't be home until early the next morning. He thought about calling his brother, but he didn't want to start another argument between his parents. He found himself alone in his apartment, tears slipping down his cheeks as he waited for a call that didn't came.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
The following morning, when he woke up, he was stiff from sleeping on the couch, and his eyes were puffy from crying, both in sleep and while awake. There wasn't a note from his father, but he could hear sounds of breathing coming from the back room, and realized that he had come home at some time, probably passing him by without noticing. Matt made something to eat, but threw it away, watching as the hinged lid of the trashcan swung for a moment before stilling.
He picked up his notebook from the table in the living room where he'd left it the night before and left, making his way slowly out of the building and towards school.
"Matt!" He faltered in mid-stride at the voice that called his name, but resumed his pace, trying to shut out the sound of feet coming toward him. "Matt, wait!" Tai fell into step beside him, but Matt didn't look at him, his gaze focused in front of him.
"Where were you?" His voice was hoarse from restrained emotion, and he felt more than saw Tai tense beside him. "I tried to call you, but your mom said that you weren't home, and you never called."
"I didn't call because I got in really late last night and I didn't want to wake you." A hand touched his arm, forcing him to stop and look at his friend. "I'm sorry." The brunette gave a tired sigh and held out the object that he'd been lugging. Matt looked at his guitar case, a frown furrowing his brow. "I went back up to get this. I promised, remember? If I had known you would need me, I wouldn't have gone up, or I would have taken you with me, or something."
Matt took the instrument slowly, pulling the hard plastic case close to his chest as he looked at Tai, tears slipping down his cheek. "You went back to get it?"
"Oh, Yama." Tai embraced him, pulling him close as the blonde cried. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you. I should have guessed that they'd be jerks." Matt's hands released the case, letting it fall to the ground with a sick thud before clenching in the material of Tai's shirt.
"I don't want to be back here, Tai. All the questions, and then the accusations last night. Take me away from here. Please." He begged, holding tight to his friend. Tai wrapped his arms around the blonde, holding him close as he mentally swore to make sure that the day before didn't repeat itself.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
"You'll be fine with the rest of the gang, Matt. Let Koushiro take care of you this morning, and I'll be back before lunchtime."
"I don't understand. Where are you going?" The blonde looked at Tai accusingly as Koushiro tried to take his arm and lead him toward the school building. "What are you doing that's so important that you're skipping school?"
"Don't worry about it, Matt. There are just a few things that I have to take care of. I'll be back by lunch."
"It's only the second day of school, Tai. Why can't you wait?"
"Because this is more important than school, Yama."
"Then why won't you tell me?" Tai sighed, closing his eyes as the argument came back full circle. Matt looked at him, taking in the bags under his eyes and the tiredness that seemed to pour out of every part of him. He sighed too, touching a slender hand to Tai's chest as he realized how demanding he was being. "Never mind. Just do what you have to do, but remember that you have to walk with me to rehearsal tonight."
"I'll be here." Tai smiled and opened his eyes, laying his hand over Matt's before he backed away. "Have I broken a promise yet?"
~~~~~_____~~~~~
"You bastard!" Akemi's body slammed against the wall before slumping to the ground. Tai let go of him and turned to face the rest of the band, all of whom were sporting various wounds. It would be interesting to see them explain the bruises and marks at rehearsal that night, but if the fear in their eyes were any indication, they wouldn't be telling Matt the truth. "If any of you so much as look at him wrong, I'll come after you. You have no idea what he's gone through in the last couple of months, for you and for this damn band. Don't blame him for needing the time away, because I had to force him to leave. He was literally handcuffed, guys. He didn't just dump you all willingly, okay?"
He looked around, seeing a mingling of fear and hate on their faces.
"He was really messed up, and he needed to get away before he got hurt or sick. It wasn't a choice but a necessity, okay? Stop blaming him, because it's my fault. He's coming back today, with his guitar, and when he walks in that door, I want you to show some appreciation to the boy that was killing himself to help make this band something. He deserves that. He has done nothing, and I repeat nothing wrong. Do you understand?"
They nodded, eyeing him warily. He had taken them by surprise, storming into their little studio, knowing that they'd be skipping school as they did most days. It hadn't been hard to figure out where to search for them; if they weren't in school, they wouldn't be at home. The only other place the truant teens could go was their little studio.
"We'll be seeing you guys after school, and I expect you to behave. He's still Matt, still the guy you started this whole music business with. I'm sorry for making him drop everything, but it really was for his own good."
"Sure, Tai. We understand." Akemi straightened from the wall, hands in front of him in surrender. His voice was slightly mocking. "We're sorry."
"Save that for Matt." With a last glare at each of them, he turned and walked away, leaving them to glare at his back as he rubbed his right hand. Toshiko had a bloody nose, and Itsu would be walking around with a black eye for quite awhile. He smiled with satisfaction, tainted by sorrow. From now on, he'd have to make sure that Matt wasn't with the band unless he was around, or there could be some serious backlash from this little stunt.
In the studio, the band was silent for several moments, until Itsu smiled slightly, raising a hand to his black eye. "Matt in handcuffs?"
The other three sighed. "Shut up, Itsu."
~~~~~______~~~~~
Matt stared in confusion as the band apologized to him. No sooner had he walked in the door, they had walked up to hug him, welcoming him back and saying sorry for treating him like crap the day before. "We're sorry, man. We've been so lost without you that we hated admitting that we needed you back. It kind of stung our pride, you know? You're still our friend first, and a singer second. We kind of forgot that for a while, and we shouldn't have. We'd be please and grateful if you stayed with us, despite the fact that we're jerks." Toshiki said, looking and sounding rather embarrassed as he admitted the truth.
Itsu glued himself to Matt's side, looking at him with a pitiful expression. "I just missed you so much, baby."
Tai looked at them in surprise and read the sincerity in their gazes. He looked at his knuckles appreciatively, glad that he had managed to knock some sense into their heads. Let it never be said again that violence solved nothing.
Matt looked stunned but happy, a smile lighting his face as he removed himself from Itsu's clutches and placed the strap to his guitar around his neck, beginning to tune it. They warmed up for several minutes, and then started into their music, playing whatever happened to come to them when the last song ended.
The warehouse was filled first with the sound of music, and then the slow and halting sound of Matt singing. By the end of the first number, his voice was strong, washing over Tai soothingly, reminding him of times before, in months too lost in the past to count, when he had first heard his friend sing with such feeling and certainty. Gone were the months of malnutrition, gone was the hoarseness caused by vomiting before every show and after every set. He smiled at the healthy glow to his skin, the shine that replaced the gaunt and tired look.
It was with great satisfaction that he watched Matt, listened to him sing the words that he had written before depression set in, before he had turned away from the world. And as he listened and felt the emotions beneath the sound waves, he was reminded once again of why he had fallen in love in the first place.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Matt blinked in the darkness, watching as the shadows played on the ceiling. The room was slightly chilled, but he was only covered to the waist. The sheets were wrapped around his legs, and he sighed, kicking at them to loosen them. His foot connected with a warm, solid object, and he froze, listening to the sound of Tai's breathing to make sure he hadn't interrupted his sleep. The brunette was lying beside him, his head placed by Matt's feet, and his feet angled towards Matt's head. He was lying on top of the blankets, covered in another sheet, his body turned toward the wall.
The blonde sat up, moving slowly and quietly. He reached out and turned on the lamp beside his bed. Tai mumbled in his sleep, but didn't wake up. Matt worked his legs free from the sheets and stood up, then stood by the bed for a moment, watching Tai's back as the brunette slept. He smiled, then turned and headed towards the bathroom to answer nature's call.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Two weeks later
And so I turn to you my love
For the solace that is there
School had settled in rather well, and since the warm weather was due to turn cold soon, a group of students that Tai and Matt knew and hung out with had agreed to meet for a picnic in the park. Daisuke was keyed up about something, and he and Takeru kept exchanging little barbs. At that moment, there were eleven of them total, but they were waiting for a twelfth, a guest of Koushiro's. Matt and Tai were talking by the picnic tables when said guest arrived, walking across the park with slow and steady steps, his head held high as he approached the group of awaiting strangers.
"Looks like a nice enough kid." Tai commented, letting the conversation turn to a new topic. Whatever they'd been discussing before was unimportant anyway.
Matt nodded, watching the kid out of the corner of his eyes, so that he wasn't caught staring at him. "I wonder why Daisuke seems more hyper than normal." The young redhead in question was grinning and tapping his palm against his leg as he openly stared at the boy coming towards them. "I haven't seen him this excited since you were assigned to the same team in gym."
Tai smiled, shrugging as Koushiro greeted his friend, and then brought him closer for introductions. Tai and Matt were first. "Hi. You must be Ken. I'm Tai." He held his hand out, and the genius shook it. Tai pointed to Matt and grinned. "The walking scarecrow is Matt. Despite the skinny, gaunt look, he doesn't bite."
"Shove it, Tai." Matt elbowed him, and then extended his own hand to Ken. "Welcome to our madness."
"Thank you for allowing me to come." Out of the corner of his eye, Tai could see Daisuke approaching them as Matt and Ken disengaged, and Sora and Mimi introduced themselves, followed by the rest of the group.
A few minutes later, they were all seated at the picnic table, Tai on an end, Matt to his right, with Daisuke directly across from him, and Ken across from Matt. Daisuke, having handed out everyone else's beverages, grinned at Ken's choice. "Water's the best thing for you, anyway." Tai rolled his eyes as Daisuke continued to flirt with the oblivious genius.
Tai leaned over and put large quantities of food on Matt's place. The blonde seemed to be withdrawing into himself more and more as the day went on, and Tai was sympathetic. A year ago, the eleven of them had been friends, and he and Matt had been the best of friends. After everything that had happened, Matt still didn't feel entirely comfortable being with them all.
"You better eat. We wouldn't want you to look as sickly as Matt." Tai said to Ken, knowing that Matt wouldn't appreciate that comment, but knowing, too, that it would get a reaction. He turned to smile at the blonde. "Eat up."
Matt raised an eyebrow at him, but picked up a spoon anyway, his eyes dark. His voice was moderate, a small note of amusement underlying his words. "Fine, but when I eat too much, I'm throwing up on you."
"Don't worry. We'll work off all of that extra weight." Tai smiled, referring to the soccer game they had planned for after lunch. Matt frowned slightly, staring at the amount of food on his plate. Seeing his look, Tai leaned closer. "Please, Yama. Eat some of it?" The blonde sighed, but started to eat, chewing his food slowly. Eating in front of people other than Tai was another challenge for him, knowing that they would know how much he ate, worrying that they would think he was eating more that he should.
Daisuke leaned toward Ken, putting his hand on his arm as he tried to speak softly. Even so, his voice drifted across the table. "Matt was bulimic. Tai's been with him constantly for about two months. They share the same room, go to the bathroom together, and everything."
Matt looked up, raising an eyebrow at Ken, who was blushing slightly, probably from having such personal information disclosed to him at random. "Daisuke spreading secrets over there?"
"Of course. Doesn't he always?" Miyako, reaching around Ken, slapped Daisuke.
Takeru, next to his brother, grinned. "Not when they're his."
"Shut up, TZ!" Daisuke glared at Takeru, and Matt narrowed his eyes at them. Something was definitely funny with his brother and Daisuke later, but he couldn't hazard a guess as to what.
"Just eat your food, guys." Sora gave a stern look to their end of the table, resumed eating.
"Yes, mother." Tai grinned, then took a drink of Matt's soda. The blonde seemed to ignore it, but put it on the other side of his plate after he'd taken a drink. Tai smiled, watching as his friend continued eating, albeit slowly.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
A short while later, they were on their makeshift field, split into teams for a soccer match. Matt and Tai ended up on different teams, mostly so that Tai could watch the blonde and make sure that Daisuke didn't try to trample on him. When the redhead played, he could get dangerous, more due to his prone towards accidents than any real intent, but Tai wasn't taking the chance.
At some point, both Ken and Daisuke were going after the ball, and then next moment, they were lying on the ground, Ken on top Dai.
Tai rolled his eyes. Leave it to Daisuke to take out the star player of the Tamachi team. He looked around for the soccer ball, and then kicked it towards them, realizing too late that Ken was leaning down to kiss his friend. Daisuke and Ken looked up quickly, and he grinned, covering his embarrassment. "We were playing a game."
Matt slapped him on the arm, effectively distracting him as Ken got up and spoke to Koushiro, and then turned to leave. "What was that for?"
The blonde sighed, rolling his eyes. "You were being a jerk."
"Yeah, but you don't normally hit me for it." Tai pouted, rubbing his arm, though the pain had been small and was already gone. When his pout did nothing to ease Matt's glare, he cocked an eyebrow, his lips twitching. Matt was pretending to ignore him, his head tilted back and away proudly. Biting his lip, Tai reached up and ruffled Matt's hair, making the musician turn around with a glare.
"Tell me that you did not just do that."
"Do what?" Tai feigned innocence. Matt swatted at his arm again. He turned away as Takeru kicked the ball at Ken and Daisuke, who looked like they were about to kiss each other again.
Takeru smiled. "My aim's a little off." Matt looked at his brother as Daisuke called him a jerk, and then looked back at Tai, shaking his head.
"I can't believe it. My little brother's taking after you."
"Way to go, TK." Tai grinned at the younger blonde, giving him a thumbs-up of approval. Matt rolled his eyes. Tai looked around, and spotted the ball, rolling leisurely back towards them. He picked it up, and tucked it under his arm after a warning glance from Matt. He wouldn't risk being hit again by throwing the ball at Ken and Daisuke. He glared at them instead. "Are you two made up, yet? I've got a game to win today, but it's a little hard without all the players." Matt touched his arm, and then hit him on the back of the head. Hard. "Never mind!"
Ken and Daisuke looked at each other uncertainly, talking quietly about something that was making them both blush. Tai hefted the soccer ball up; ready to let it fly again, despite the fact that Matt would probably hit him. His arm arched back, but was grabbed before he could throw the ball. Matt twisted his arm, and then swept out with a foot, knocking him down. The blonde rolled him to his stomach before he had time to react, and then sat on his back, the soccer ball in his hand.
"You throw this…" He bounced it off Tai's head. "At another person," Bounce. "And you will be," Bounce, "Eating grass," Bounce "For a week." Bounce. He stood up quickly, putting distance between him and the blonde, despite his bravado.
The group was laughing, and Ken and Daisuke looked up from their first kiss to make sure that it wasn't at them. They smiled when they saw Tai slowly regaining his feet.
"You better behave from now on, Taichi. If I can pin you once, I can pin you again."
"Says you." Tai looked away sulkily, enjoying the dangerous and confident gleam that played in Matt's eyes. When he turned back around, his face was split into a mischievous grin. "First, I have to get my revenge." He lunged at the blonde, and Matt ran around the group to put them between him and Tai. Tai followed, advancing around the ring of their friends as Ken and Daisuke proceeded to share their second kiss.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Later that day
Takeru and Tai were hefting the cooler into Mr. Kido's car. Jyou's father, for once, wasn't working late, and had offered the use of their cooler for the picnic that his son had helped to plan for that afternoon. Fortunately, he was also offering rides to the stragglers that didn't have rides of their own. Matt was saying goodbye to Koushiro and Jyou, laughing about something. The others were already gone.
"It's pretty cool that Daisuke and Ken got together after just a couple of hours." Tai commented, lifting the cooler into the trunk, and then shutting it.
The blonde grinned. "They've met before, Ken just didn't realize it."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tai asked, noticing the grin. Takeru laughed.
"He lost a bet. He had to dress like a girl in public, without letting anyone in on the joke. If anyone caught on, he was supposed to convince them that he was a girl. There were some other things, but that was basically it. I made him go to the museum in Tamachi, and he met Ken."
Tai laughed. "That's why Ken got so upset during the game. He figured him out, huh?"
"Yeah. Things worked out, though, and that's all that matters." Tai nodded in agreement, watching as the other three walked towards them.
"Out of curiosity, what was the bet?"
"I told him that you wouldn't tell my brother you loved him before you guys came back." Tai looked at him, stunned, then looked back at Matt to see if he had heard. Having it brought out that way was not what he had planned. Takeru touched his arm gently. "Don't worry, Tai. I won't tell him."
"Tell who what?" Matt asked, finally within earshot.
Takeru smiled, hugging his brother. "Won't tell Ken that Daisuke likes to wear girls underwear."
Matt laughed and shook his head. "I don't even want to know how you would know that."
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Weeks later
The crowd was so loud with excitement that they seemed to drown out the sound of the opening band, carrying the cheers and enthusiasm through the walls of the auditorium. Matt stood with the rest of the band, his heart beating erratically. They had another twenty minutes before this set would end, and then the second opening band would play, leaving them last in the lineup, and fodder if something went wrong.
In the room with him, the rest of the band seemed nervous, twisting drumsticks and checking their images in the mirror. He was waiting for the costume designer, Alicia (Matt sighed, trying to remember how they had gone from using a cousin to the cousin's brother's girlfriend) to finish the alterations on his outfit for the night. Tai was sitting in the corner, textbooks spread out on the floor as he tried to study. Matt smiled, watching as one dark hand ran through his unruly hair, making it an even bigger mess.
The door behind him opened, and Alicia stepped in, outfit in hand. "It can't be done." Her voice was shrill and angry. "I don't know how you can expect me to change this in so little time. If anybody had bothered to send me your measurements from after you little trip a couple of months ago, I could have worked on this. But no, Matt puts on a bunch of weight, and I'm expected to make clothes to fit him when nobody gives me the adjustments."
Matt stared at her, one hand coming up to rest against his stomach. The world around him seemed to spin, culminating in a pinpoint around Alicia's head as her words snuck beneath the surface to resurrect old wounds. She continued on, oblivious. "I mean, come on. You've added on an extra two inches, and even your older outfits don't really fit anymore. The baggy look is finally back in style after you've worn it for a year out of fashion, and all of your clothes suddenly fit. What ever happened to the thin look?"
"He looks fine." He jumped as Tai spoke from beside him. As reality slowly sank back around him, he realized that Tai was standing beside him, hand on his shoulder in support. The brunette was angry, but he hadn't yelled or indicated by tone that he was upset. His voice had been matter of fact, and that calm assurance made Matt feel better than any insult Tai could have hurled back at the girl.
"Whatever!" She clearly did not understand that she was treading dangerous grounds. "Look at him. He's been putting on weight for who knows how long. If this keeps up, he'll end up with a pot belly, and the band will lose half of its fan base!" She put her hands on her hips. "It's already starting to happen. Why, just the other day, some of the girls were saying that it was too bad his looks were starting to fade, because he used to be so cute."
Matt winced, feeling a sense of déjà vu as he looked down, his hand now pushing against his stomach as he tried to measure how much weight he'd gained back, and how many inches he had lost. A dark hand on his arm caused him to look up. Tai wasn't bothering to argue with Alicia. His main concern was Matt, a concern that was tangible in his gaze and touch. From that look, Matt found the strength to draw himself to his full height, his back straight as he looked at the band's costume designer with something that bordered on pity and disgust.
"Alicia, you're fired." She narrowed her eyes, but stood her ground.
"You can't fire me just because you don't like a little honestly. The band hired me, Matt, and it will be the band that fires me."
"Then you're fired." Itsu said behind them. The rest of the band voiced agreement, causing Matt to gap at them for their unexpected support. Tai turned the full force of his glare on Alicia.
"You make the costumes to fit the performer, not the performer to fit the outfit."
"Just shut up, Tai. We all know why you hang around. I was going to say that it's a wonder that he hasn't gained more weight with all the food you make him eat, but I guess that you help him work it off, don't you?"
It was Matt that looked at her with narrowed eyes, one brow raised coldly. "Would you like to explain yourself, Alicia?" His voice was threatening, telling her that her safest option would be to run, but the girl, whether through courage or stupidity, stayed where she was, poised to answer.
"Everyone knows that you're sleeping together. It wasn't bad enough that you refused any and all of the girls that offered themselves to you, you had to make a mockery of them by going after a guy!" Her lips curled in revulsion. "You're a sick little fag, Matt, and I'm disgusted that I ever went out with you. You can keep your little lover, but eventually word will get out about your little secret."
"And I'm sure that you'd love to be the first one to tell everyone, wouldn't you?"
"You better believe it. I'll be first in line to reveal what a sick fuck you really are." He moved forward, his fists clenched at his side. Tai touched his shoulder. The contact was light, the effect more pronounced. Matt relaxed, unclenching his hands as a small smile stole over his face.
"Then have fun. I'll have you in court for slander so fast your head will spin. You have nothing to back up your claim, considering the fact that Tai has been my best friend for years, nothing more."
Akemi coughed and mumbled, "Handcuffs…" Alicia, thankfully, didn't hear him.
"Really? That's why you two ran off to a cabin together for three weeks? Or that fact that he's always with you and that he sleeps in your apartment? You can lie all you want, but you can't run from the truth, Matt. Eventually, it will come up and bite you in the ass."
"Take your own advice." He felt the hand on his shoulder squeeze lightly before slipping away. "Get out, Alicia, before I call security and have you escorted out." He turned his back on her, finished with her now that he'd had his say. He missed the hand she raised to hit him with, but Tai saw it, and grabbed it before she could bring the swing to a full arc.
"Touch him and die, Bitch." The brunette was past being nice. Using her arm to his advantage, he pulled her up until she was standing on the tips of her toes, and then started leading her to the door. He shoved her through the portal and shut the door in her face. He gave the rest of the room's occupants a satisfied smile. "Good riddance to bad rubbish."
The band laughed as Tai's gaze met Matt's. The blonde was watching him with a small smile, his eyes unreadable. "Thank you." His words were quiet, but seemed to cue the rest of the band into action. They made feeble excuses of having to tune up and get ready, and left, shutting the door behind them. Matt turned to face the wall farthest from the door, his eyes becoming captured by the large mirror that leaned against it. "Tai?"
"Yeah, Matt?" The brunette walked forward, his eyes meeting with Matt's in the reflective glass. The blonde didn't speak for a moment, his eyes trained on the growing figure in the mirror as Tai drew closer. "What's up?"
"Look at me. Really look." He spread his arms out, as if they were somehow blocking his true image.
"I'm looking, Matt." And he was. His gaze shifted over the image in the mirror, finally coming back up to rest on the reflected gaze of blue eyes.
"Tell me what you see. What do you think when you look at me?" There was a hint of desperation and a fair amount of longing in Matt's voice. His eyes were clouded over, taking on the sheen of tears as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Tell me the truth. What's the first word that comes to you when you look at me?"
Tai came closer, until he was standing directly behind Matt. He refrained from touching him as he looked over Matt's shoulder and into the mirror, watching as the glass reflected their image back to them. "Beautiful."
Matt closed his eyes tightly, blotting out most of the light as he tightened his hold on his own trembling body. "What did you see when I was still sick?"
"Beauty." The answer was spoken quietly, sincerely.
"And before that?" His voice was uneven.
"Beauty." Tai sighed softly, inching ever so slightly closer, until he could feel the heat of Matt's body radiating around him. "I've always seen beauty when I look at you, Yama."
"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." Matt stepped back slightly, bringing his body in light contact with Tai's. He didn't move away, and after a moment Tai brought his hands up and set them gently on his shoulders, holding him softly.
"And beauty is all I will ever see when I look at you." Tai went on, pressing his face close to the back of Matt's head so that he could inhale the scent of his shampoo with every breath. "We were so close, and then you started to withdraw from me. I was hoping that you'd come around, and then I realized that things were worse than what I thought."
"And you had to rescue me." It was more of a statement than a question. Tai smiled, squeezing the shoulders beneath his hands gently, his eyes warm.
"I would be willing to slay dragons for you, Matt."
"Hey, Matt! The second act is having some problems. They want us to start early!" Their glances turned to the reflection of the door in the mirror, and Akemi who was hanging in the now open doorway. "Stop necking! Wear what you've got on, sexy, and let's go!"
~~~~~_____~~~~~
And offer any cherished thing
For a slight reprieve
Matt stood on the stage, microphone directly before him. The house lights were down, leaving the audience in suspense. Behind him, he could hear the ragged and excited breathing of the rest of the band, and he felt that same excitement begin to curl in his stomach. Their wasn't much of a hush from the audience, and he could feel the expectancy rise from the floor in front of the stage. He raised a hand, a signal to the rest of the band, a sticker on the back of his hand glowing enough in the darkness that they knew he was ready to begin.
His hand came down, and with it came the first strum of the bass guitar, then a staccato rhythm from the drums. Smoke began to pour from a machine at the front of the stage, fans blowing it by his feet instead of towards his face. Smoke was a good illusion to have, but not if the lead singer couldn't sing because of it. Itsu picked up the sound, adding to it on his guitar. When Matt played the first chords of the lead, there was a crescendo, filling the auditorium with music before he stepped up to the mic.
He felt the music sear through him as the crowd went wild, lifting him to another plain, where only the music and adoration existed. He switched tones again, letting his guitar drop to the strap as he took the mic in both hands and brought his face down to it.
He began to sing, his voice haunting as he focused on the words. The song had been handed to them months ago, and they'd performed it several times, the words and music pleasing the audience. But this time, as the words came out of his mouth, he found a different meaning to them, and it seemed to elevate the music and his voice. He sang with feeling about a broken friendship caused by a failure to communicate. Lack of honesty and abandonment followed, and the pain that he had felt months ago became infused in the words.
His eyes strayed away from the thronging mass before the stage to the side, where he could barely see the outline he knew to be Tai, leaning against a wall and watching them perform. With his emotions in turmoil and Tai's unspoken declaration, he sang for them, for he and Tai, and all the things they'd been through together.
And as the drum began to thunder on each beat, the words soared as he sang the last verse. "I would have been there for you, would have taken all the pain. If you'd told me, I would have loved you then. Would you have done this for a friend, this lover's sacrifice?"
When he was done, the music faded until the sound of the audience over powered it. The band paused before leading into the next song.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Matt stood looking up at the stars, watching the night sky through the haze of clouds and smog. Behind him, the rest of the band cleared their stuff out of the dressing room, laughing and talking about the concert, making plans for after-gig parties. He smiled as Tai shoved Itsu forcibly out the door, after he offered to stay with Matt and 'keep him very good company'. Even Tai was laughing as he wrestled with the guitarist. Finally, he got the other boy out of the room, and shut the door behind him, turning to Matt.
The blonde was still standing by the window, looking outside. His body language said that he was still tightly coiled, and Tai frowned at him. While the others had begun celebrating as soon as the concert was over, Matt had walked quietly backstage, a satisfied smile on his face. Now that they were alone, Tai was worried. Admittedly, he had missed seeing the gigs that Matt had had directly prior to their trip to the mountains, but he was certain that the band wouldn't have let him brood as he seemed to be doing now.
"Matt?" The blonde turned to face him, his head tilting down slightly to hide his face. Tai couldn't tell whether the move was intentional or not, but he felt uneasy at the thought that Matt would try to hide something from him. He walked closer and squatted in front of him, keeping a small distance between them as he looked up at the blonde. "What's up?"
Things had been progressing really well since their return to the real world. The distance between them had stayed manageable, especially since Tai had basically moved in with the Ishida's. In all truth, he spent more time there than anywhere else. He had promised Matt at the cabin that he'd stay with him, and he would, until Matt told him that it was okay.
"I want to tell you." Matt said quietly, looking up just enough to meet Tai's gaze. They stared at each other for a moment, and then Matt leaned back against the wall and slid down it until he was sitting on the floor. Tai lowered his body the rest of the way to the ground, so that they were sitting at the same level, as close to eye to eye as their heights would allow.
"Tell me what?" Tai asked, his expression and tone gentle. Matt smiled, stretching his legs out in front of him. If he angled his foot just right, he could tap Tai's leg. Without the benefit of something to lean against, Tai settled for crossing his legs and leaning forward.
"A little over a year ago, you and I were best friends. The band was doing moderately well, and everything seemed to be going just perfect. Then I heard these girls…"
"The ones who said that they thought you were putting on weight?" Tai asked, his mind returning to a conversation that they'd had at the cabin. "And then the costume designer-"
"Right." Matt interrupted, before Tai could complete that sentence. He smiled slightly. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For telling me then that I would never be ugly, and for believing in me. Absolutely, I think is what you said." The smile slipped as he withdrew inside himself for a moment. When he started talking, his eyes were still distant. "I tried to pretend that it didn't matter, that hearing someone say that meant nothing to me. I could still get any girl I wanted. There were plenty. Easy, empty bodies that were there for my pleasure. Casual sex."
Tai winced, but didn't comment. He didn't think that Matt was looking for his opinion on the matter so much as that he wanted to say what he had to say.
"It didn't help. Every time I looked in the mirror, I kept seeing myself get fatter. I know that it was a trick in my mind, but…" He shrugged. "The thoughts were there. Then, at the beginning of the last school year, you came round to my apartment after the first day of school. You were all excited, because your only competition for Soccer Captain had moved away during the summer. You were flexing your muscles, and walking around as if you controlled the world." Tai smiled at the description.
Their eyes met, and Matt smiled in return, before turning away again. Tai frowned.
"You patted my stomach and said that I was 'looking a little soft after a summer off'. I know you meant it as a joke, Tai, but coming from you…" He pressed his lips together, his eyes watering. "It hurt, Tai. I can't really explain why. I know I shouldn't listen so much to other people. You've told me enough that the only opinion in life that counts is my own…and yours. At that moment, it was just a catalyst. I couldn't take it. I was afraid that you actually thought that I was too fat."
Tai stared at him, eyes dark. On his face was an expression of misery and guilt. He clenched his fists, drawing in a deep breath to stave of some of the tightness in his chest. After all that time and the effort that he had made to help Matt, and now…now he was to blame?
"Don't take it like that, Tai." Matt saw his expression and interpreted it correctly. "You didn't mean it like that. I knew that then. It was just me. I was too weak to handle everything that was going on. See, you've always been my friend, and because you're my friend, how you think and feel is important to me." Matt stopped, sighing as he tried to collect his thoughts into a reasonable order. "Anyway, it just added to what I was already feeling, and I admit that I was mad at you. You, of all people, should have known better than to say something like that. Or so I thought. I hated myself, and I hated everything about me, and I hated you, because you weren't making anything better, and I thought you should."
"How?"
Matt shrugged. "I don't know. I don't think that I was very logical at all at that point. So, I decided that, since I couldn't control anything else in my life, I could at least control how I looked and how I ate. But, eating the right foods didn't help me at all. No matter what I dieted on, I couldn't seem to lose any of that weight. Of course, I was only on each diet for less than a week at a time. In my mind, the results should have been immediate, and when they weren't, I tried something that worked a little faster."
"The bulimia?"
"Yeah. I'll tell you what, if you want to lose weight quickly, force yourself to throw up. Because, if you're not ingesting anything into your body, your body will use all the excess fat cells it has." He looked up again. "What people don't realize is how much harm you're really doing. Every time you force yourself to throw up, your forcing acid from your stomach to rise into your throat and mouth. Eventually, it will eat away the lining of your throat. I got lucky in that respect, at least. I can still sing, and nothing seems to have been damaged. And I'm sure you know all the information about malnutrition."
"I've read a bit."
Matt nodded. "I didn't realize how weak I'd feel. I had no energy, no motivation to do anything. I wanted to sleep all the time, and eventually it got to where I didn't care if I woke up in the morning, because I was so miserable all day long. I didn't want to spend time with anyone, least of all you."
"Depression."
"Right. And I kept getting sick, another downside of malnutrition. I was downing medicine and stuff left and right, but it wasn't helping because I was throwing it up next time that I ate. Just a long vicious cycle that never ended." He paused, drawing in a deep breath. "Then you came back around. I knew that you wouldn't approve of my method, but I figured that when you saw the results, you'd be pleased. I wanted you to tell me that I was beautiful again. I was hoping that you'd look at me, and see how much better I looked. I had lost all of that weight, and I just wished that you'd see me the way you used to. You have no idea how much it meant to me when you complimented me."
"I always meant it."
"Then you told me that I looked like a skeleton. I hated you for that. I had done all of that to make you see…see what I don't really know. I just wanted you to be proud of me, I think. I wanted…" He trailed off, breaking off eye contact as he tilted his head back. "I want what I've always wanted, I guess."
"What is it that you want, Matt? You've told me a lot of the things you don't want."
The blonde closed his eyes, sighing. "I want to be whole. Complete. Fulfilled."
"And you got a fucked deal?" Tai queried, remember another conversation they'd had at the cabin. His small stab at humor elicited a dry chuckle from Matt.
"Yeah." They sat for a few minutes, the silence threatening to deafen the both of them. Matt could feel his heart hammering in his chest, his eyes prickling with unshed tears. "Everything you want in your life is in your life." He mimicked Tai. "But is it in your life the way you want it?"
"No." Tai answered honestly. "There are quite a few things I'd change if I had the opportunity to."
"What's stopping you, Tai? What fears hold you back from having everything as you want it?" Matt's eyes were open again, the blue concentrated on Tai as he waited for his answer.
"The fear that what I want isn't what's best for those involved. I can't have everything if it means hurting someone else." Matt made a sound in his throat that might have been agreement, but didn't actually respond. "What about you, Matt? What's stopping you now?"
Matt thought for a moment, and shrugged. "Nothing, I guess. I can go after everything I want now. Get rid of some of the things I don't want."
"Like what?" Another shrug.
"I think I've found a way to get rid of half of my obsessive female fans, including Jun. It might actually increase the fan-base, so the guys wouldn't object too much. I could get rid of some of that loneliness you accused me of a while ago."
I hoped that you might find me here
And I could learn to smile again
Tai smiled slightly, his heart aching. "Yeah? How are you going to manage that?" Matt didn't answer. He sat beneath the window; his eyes trained on Tai, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Matt? Yama?"
"You know what I've finally realized?"
The brunette released the worried breath he'd been holding, glad to have Matt talking again. "What?"
Matt smiled, a full-fledged smile, lighting up his face. "You only call me 'Yama' when you're upset or emotional. When you're talking about something that's really important, or you're trying to reach me, you call me 'Yama'. I've never realized that before." Tai thought about it for a moment, and shook his head. He couldn't see why Matt was so amused about the nickname, but the blonde was smiling, a real smile, so Tai would let it go. "When you promise me something that's serious, you use it, too."
"I mean my promises, Matt. I wouldn't give you my word if it wasn't something I thought I could do or handle."
"I know that, Tai. That's not what I meant. I was just remembering something you promised me at the cabin. You told me I could ask anything of you."
"Go ahead. If it's within my power, it's yours."
He smiled, looked at Tai, and then looked away while shaking his head. "You don't even bother to ask what it is, you're already willing to do it. I could ask you to…date Jun to get her away from me, and you'd probably do it. No hesitation, no second thoughts." His eyes met Tai's again. "Have I mentioned lately that you're wonderful?"
"Not recently." Tai was confused. Not just a little confused this time, but a lot. He had no idea where Matt was going with their conversation. It had started out as the blonde's chance to tell his side of things, and had since digressed into a muddle of thought and words.
"You're wonderful, Tai. You're my best friend, you know? I like you, being with you, and hanging out with you. I adore your family, your sister, even those horrible meals your mother makes. I adore you. I love talking with you, and I love it when you kick me awake during the night." He paused, the smile turning gentle and sorrowful at once. "I love you. Everything about you, I adore. So, if I had one favor that I could ask you, Tai, one thing you would do for me without question…"
Tai pushed his body forward, the declaration of his love on his lips. In his mind, he was already making promises as he drew closer to Matt.
"Leave me." The brunette froze, then drew back, settling onto his haunches.
"What?" His voice was dry and raspy, so different from any loving tone.
"Leave." The blue eyes that were smiling at him minutes before were now filled with tears. "I need to be strong for me, Tai. I did this for you, all the way to the bulimia, so that you would see me and realize that you could love me. Now that I'm better, now that you've made me stronger, I've realized that when I am with you, it's too easy for me to be weak. I let you handle everything. It's so easy to do that with you, Tai. But see, I can't be weak forever. I have to learn to live without you before I can trust myself to live with you. So if you love me as much as I think you do, I need you to stand up and walk out that door."
They stared at each other, or tried to, though all either saw was the blurry figure of their beloved through eyes filled with tears. After a moment, Tai rose to his feet and took a step back, the tears already falling down his cheeks. Without a word, he turned and fled, the first sobs escaping his chest the moment he was out the door. Inside the little dressing room, Matt lied curled on the floor, his arms wrapped around his body as he wept.
And as a balm for these wounds
Take away the sting
And as the band did play your body I did cradle
I should have known that song would have to end