And as a balm for these wounds
Take away the sting
Tai stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall nearest the door as his misery poured out.
"If you love me…" Matt's voice echoed in his head. He drew in hard, shuddery breaths, forcing the air into his lungs. The pain in his chest seemed to spread throughout his body, making him nauseous and dizzy. Through the still open door, he could hear Matt crying as well.
It didn't make sense. Matt loved him. He had finally said the words that Tai had long-since given up hope on hearing, and in the next breath Matt had pushed him away. It wasn't right that a declaration of love should cause so much pain.
He rolled his head back, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling as tears continued to cascade down his face. He knew that twenty feet away was the cause of his heartache, the reason for his pain, and he wanted nothing more than to go back into that little room. He didn't know what he'd say, but in his mind, leaving things the way they were would hurt too much. He didn't know if he could handle walking further away than what he had. His feet didn't seem likely to move in the near future.
He swallowed hard, his emotions slowly coming back under his control. He couldn't stand in the hallway all night. If Matt came out and found him there… His only other option, the only course of action that he had left to him without breaking his promise, would be to leave.
"If you love me as much as I think you do, I need you to stand up and walk out that door."
He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and then walked to the door.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Matt sighed and stood up, stretching to relieve the kink in his back from being curled into a ball as he cried. His body felt tired and in need of sleep, though that was to be expected after a long day and a concert.
Inside, he felt better than he had in a long while. He had finally managed to take a step forward instead of back. Asking Tai to leave was probably the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, but he knew it was for the best. He couldn't be strong if he allowed Tai to be there for him to fall back on.
He licked his lips and wiped at his face. He'd have a headache in the morning from crying for so long, but he felt purged, as if he'd managed to get rid of all the bad stuff in his life by crying. He felt free.
Half an hour after kicking Tai out of his life, he opened the door to the dressing room all the way and froze in the doorway. Tai leaned against the opposite wall, a small smile on his lips. His eyes were unmistakably puffy, and he was sniffling, evidence that he had been crying.
It was the brunette who broke the silence first. "I hope you're stronger. I couldn't seem to get my feet to move any further than this."
"What are you still doing here, Tai?"
"I've found a flaw in your reasoning, Yama."
"You broke your promise." Matt's voice came out hard in accusation.
"No, I didn't," Tai was quick to correct. Matt looked at him skeptically. "You told me to leave. To turn and walk out the door." He spread his arms to encompass the hallway. "I'm out the door. I left you."
"You know that's not what I meant." The blonde was less than impressed with his logic.
"I do know. I was intent on walking away from you, Matt, but then I realized that what you had said didn't make sense."
Matt eyed him for a moment, then let curiosity get the better of him. "What didn't make sense?"
"You said that you couldn't be strong with me around, Matt, but you managed to find the strength to kick me out. You say that you're weak, but someone weak wouldn't have had the strength to take such a step. You're already stronger than you thought you were."
"And that's supposed to make sense?" Matt asked.
Tai continued as if he hadn't interrupted, "You're not weak, Yama. You never have been. Sure, you let your doubts and stuff get the better of you for a while, but when it came down to it, you ended up choosing to get better than continuing to be sick. It took strength to admit that you had a problem, Matt."
"If you remember correctly, I didn't have a lot of choice." Matt pointed out.
"Yeah, well." Tai shrugged. "In the end, kidnapping you would have done me zero good if you had decided that you didn't want to get better."
"You seem to be forgetting the fact that it was my fault I got sick in the first place."
"I haven't forgotten. You have no idea how much I want the beat the crap out of you for that, Matt. You didn't have to do anything to gain my attention. I can't believe that you were stupid enough to believe that you had to do anything to be beautiful. You're such a moron at times."
"Thanks, Tai. As if my ego wasn't big enough, you have to give me a swelled head by calling me a stupid moron. That's not likely to give me a complex." Matt said sarcastically. His reply made Tai smile, it was so…spunky.
"This is my turn to talk, so quiet down and listen."
"Like hell. I'm not about to sit around while you insult my intelligence. I'll agree that I was an idiot for letting myself get so vain and self-absorbed that I threw up to make myself thin. Yes, it was dangerous and I'm very lucky to have come out of it in one piece."
"At least we agree on that. You know, you're not weak. You're one of the strongest people I know."
"Tai, shut up. At this point, what you think of me isn't the point, because I will probably never se myself the same way." Matt said, shaking his head. "I've always depended on you too much. I got sick because of you-"
"Stop blaming me for that!" Tai interrupted angrily. "I've always loved you, Yama. I'm sorry that you misunderstood something I said to you, and I'm sorry that I was such a blind jerk, but you can't blame me for getting sick. That was your decision. You made it all on your own, so don't try passing that off on me."
They glared at each other for a moment before Matt looked away. "You're right. That's why I needed you to leave, Tai. Don't you understand? When you're around, it's too easy for me to depend on you and to blame you for things that I do. I don't want that."
"Pushing me away isn't going to help!" Tai said desperately, feeling his thought-out speech going down the drain in the face of Matt's persistence. "If you can't learn to take the responsibility when I'm around we'll never have a chance, Matt. You have to learn to be strong with me around or we'll never be able to be together."
Matt looked at him, his expression resolute. "You're not listening to me. I have to do this on my own, Tai."
"Yama, you're being stubborn. You can't guarantee that there will never be a time in your life when you feel low. There is no promise against pain. The best you can do in life is to find someone that loves you and that you love, and to form a bond with that person so that you're both stronger for it."
"Do me a favor, Tai." Matt said suddenly. "Give me one example of a time when you've been weak. Show me one time in this life when you've needed me to make the difference in something."
Almost a full three minutes elapsed before Tai finally shrugged helplessly. "I can't think of anything."
"Exactly. Because as much as you love me, I don't make you anything more than what you are. I'm not a strength or a weakness to you, Tai. If anything, I'm a burden. I'm too dependent on you and I always have been. I don't want to be. I want to be…strong, I guess. Strong enough to know that no matter what happens, I can depend on myself."
"Love isn't like that, Yama. You love so that you don't have to depend on yourself for everything. Loving someone means having enough faith that they'll be there for you when you can't handle everything on your own."
"That was the problem to begin with!" Matt's voice rose in agitation. "When I needed you most, you weren't there for me!" Several seconds of stunned silence followed the question. Matt licked parched lips.
"I'm sorry. That was low."
"It's true. I waited too long." Tai swallowed and drew in a deep breath. There were tears in his eyes.
The blond smiled grimly. "If I let you in right now, and forget about all the risks involved, I'd be doing us both a disservice." He paused before continuing in a softer tone, "I would rather have a day with you in which I feel that we are equals, than to spend five years trying to convince myself that I wasn't taking the easy way out again."
"I'd rather have the years, but I won't argue with you." Tai bit his lip. "If you push me away now, Matt, we may never have another chance. Please don't. You're stronger than what you think. You told me to leave. You asked me that for you. To be able to ask for something for yourself is a strength, Yama."
Around them, the concert hall was silent, testimony that they were alone in the building. Tai walked forward slowly, until they were close but not touching. Neither spoke for several moments. Finally, Tai leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Matt's.
Tai swallowed hard, closing his eyes in a last attempt to stem his tears. "I love you, Yamato."
Blue eyes closed as well and Matt wrapped Tai in a tight hug. "I love you, too."
"Is this where you tell me that I have to let go of you again?" Tai wondered briefly if he could exercise his right to refuse. The blonde felt right being in his arms. It was wonderful to have a chance to hold him.
"I don't think it would do me any good. You didn't listen to me the last time." Matt managed to hold back the tears in his own eyes. "I have to be able to do this, Tai. I can't explain it; I don't know how. I just know that if I can't be apart from you now, I'll never be as strong as I can be."
"I think you're an insane hateful bastard who is really just trying to get back at me for calling you fat." Tai joked weakly. He pulled back slightly, loosening his hold. "I really want to hate you right now. You waited until you'd said you love me before you ripped my heart out, and then you expect me to do you the favor of leaving you in peace."
"I'm sorry, Tai."
"For what?" Tai asked. He shook his head without letting the blonde answer. "Don't be. You're not doing anything wrong, Yama. You have every right to decide what's best for you. Just…you know…as soon as you think you're strong enough, I expect to find you on my doorstep."
"I promise." Matt was quick to agree as the hands that had moved to Tai's waist dropped to hand limply at the blonde's side. Tai looked at him for a moment longer, and then turned and walked away. When he was out of sight around the corner, Matt slumped against the wall, wiping angrily at the one errant tear that had managed to escape from his eye.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
And as the band did play your body I did cradle
I should have known that song would have to end
In a perfect world, Tai would have managed to get three feet away from Matt before the blonde realized that letting him walk away was a mistake. In a world a little less perfect, Matt would have been waiting on the doorstep of the Yagami apartment. Barring that, the blonde would have knocked five point two seconds after Tai got home.
In a perfect world, Tai wouldn't have spent the entire night and the small hours of the morning going over their conversation and thinking of different arguments, more persuasive words, anything that might have kept Matt with him. Because, they'd both been wrong.
'Give me one example of a time when you've been weak. Show me one time in this life when you've needed me to make the difference in something.'
'I can't think of anything.'
There was something that Tai needed... one place where he could be considered weak. Just what, or rather, who, that is, was pretty obvious. The sun had not yet risen when Tai fell asleep at the table, head filled with grand speeches to woo back Matt, the person he needed the most.
In a perfect world, Tai would have gotten to school the next day on-time. But he didn't, and perhaps, because of the way things turned out later, that's why we should be thankful that we're not living in a perfect world.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
The current period's teacher was not unkind, but she was firm in her decision. As punishment for missing almost half the school day, Tai would have to clean the entire classroom by himself after school in place of the usual room monitors. He briefly cursed himself for bothering to come in that day when he woke up late, but then he remembered why he had: he didn't want to miss the chance of seeing Matt at school today. If Matt wants to be so strong, why isn't he here at school, toughing it out? No sooner did the grumbled words flicker through his mind, then did Yamato Ishida step through the door.
"I'm sorry I'm late," the blonde said.
"Do you have an excuse?" the teacher asked.
He wasn't sick, at least in any of the ways that counted in a school. Matt looked down. "No, sensei."
"Ishida-san, you will be cleaning the classroom after school with Yagami-san. Take your seat."
Tai suppressed a wave of anxiety and then settled down to wait out the rest of the day. Matt didn't spare him a single glance.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
Things weren't quite going as smoothly as Tai had hoped they would. Matt stubbornly refused to speak. The cleaning was completed and Matt was ready to leave. Nothing Tai had said had made an impact. Determined, the brunette blocked the exit as the blonde approached. He didn't like the tactic, but trapping Matt had worked once before, and he could only hope that his luck held out.
The blonde stopped two feet from the door, his head tilted down. He knew that he couldn't leave without going through Tai, but he wasn't sure if he was up to the physical battle that that would entail.
"Matt, please listen to me. This is important." Matt's eyes lifted wearily to Tai's face. Tai swallowed, knowing that if he blew this chance... well, he really didn't want to think of the alternative. "I know that you feel like us being together would hurt whatever you've built for yourself. But I don't want to be without you. I've been there, I've done that, and I don't want to have to go through life without you right there with me. I was wrong. You asked me if there was one time in this life that I was weak without you, when you made the difference and I couldn't think of anything at the time.. You were wrong when you assumed that there wasn't. You make the difference everyday just by being alive. You give me something that no one else can. You give me you, and that is something that I don't think I could honestly live without. Can you tell me that you don't want to be with me?"
A look of misery tore across Matt's face and the blonde looked away. "How am I supposed to answer that?"
Rather than touch the other young man's face, Tai circled around him, moving so that as long as Matt didn't shift again, they would be looking into each other's eyes. "Forget it," Tai said softly.
Matt's eyes widened in shock and he began to back away from Tai. Tai gave an embarrassed smile as he reached out and trailed a fingertip down Matt's forearm and let it rest on his wrist. The gesture wasn't a command to stay, but a request.
"I'm sorry," Tai apologized. "That didn't come out right. I think I've used up all my eloquence for today. What I meant was, forget everything. Forget the bulimia, forget the time we spent in the cabin, forget being a rock star. Forget it and just remember you and me. Forget it and then tell me what you want."
In his mind, Matt struggled with Tai's words. Forget it all? Being a star has always been my dream and I've worked hard for it. I never had friends until then…except for you. And then in the cabin… I was happy that you had noticed me, that you were taking care of me. Even the bulimia — it was awful, but I learned from it. How could he forget it all? We never had the chance . . . ". . . to live a normal life." Matt ignored Tai's surprised look at the half-spoken words. We never got to be just us... there was something always there in the way. I want that for us. . . a normal life.
"Matt, I didn't want to say this before because it's going to hurt you. And I don't want to do that. But I think I have to. You asked me to leave because being with me made it okay for you to be weak. And that's true. It is okay for you to be weak every once in a while, because I'll be there to help you. And I hope that when I need the favor returned, you'll be there for me."
Matt looked up then, and Tai pressed on. "Just because you have moments of weakness doesn't mean that you're a weak person. Matt, you're one of the strongest people that I know and I'm not going to let you be weak now. Running away, not trusting yourself, not even daring to try — that's what's weak. You're so important to me that I promised I would do as you asked, and I did. I walked out that door. But I'm not going to walk away from you. If you really don't want us to be together, you're gonna have to be the one to get up and walk away on your own two feet. I'm not going to do that for you. You have to be the strong one now."
Tai licked his lips nervously and spoke for the last time, "So, what are you going to do?"
Matt didn't answer for a moment, looking between Tai and the door. "I'm going to get up," he said as a tear leaked down his cheek.
~~~~~_____~~~~~
'I'm going to get up.' 'I'm going to get up.' 'I'm going to get up.' Tai closed his eyes as the words echoed through his head. Heart and mind spinning, he let his head fall back to rest against the wall. He had so many different emotions and thoughts he wasn't quite sure if he was happy or sad with Matt's decision. He tried to feel joy at Matt's strength, he tried to feel pain for the coming separation, but all he could do was listen to the wordless cry emerging from deep within his soul.
Tai's eyes snapped open; a warm and somewhat moist cheek was pressed against his own. Matt's head moved to rest on the brunette's shoulder and Tai was embraced tightly. "Yama?" he questioned, barely trusting his senses.
Matt nuzzled closer against Tai. "You're not the only one who's been doing some thinking. I've considered what you said last night and what you said today, and I wanted to say thank you, my love." His whisper gusted heated air against Tai's bare neck. "I'm stronger now."
Tai gave himself a moment to remember the fear, the doubt, the emptiness that had almost swallowed him, then pushed it away forever as he returned the embrace. "I love you, Yama."
Matt nodded in acknowledgement as best he could from his current position. "I love you, Taichi." He squeezed Tai tighter. "If I . . . if I promise to stay strong, will you promise me something?"
"Anything."
"Anything?" Matt raised his head with a mischievous smile. "Even after what almost happened the last time?"
Taichi looked into the sparkling cerulean eyes and kissed Matt on the lips. "Anything, Yama," he repeated.
"Stay with me. Don't let me go."
"I promise. The only way I'm leaving is if you make me go. And..." Tai playfully slugged Matt in the arm. "I'd say that you'll need at least six months of training to attempt that."
"Oh yeah?" Matt grinned a challenge as he threw a mock-punch into Tai's stomach. "I seem to recall a certain wild-haired Yagami being thoroughly trounced up in the woods, not that long ago."
A brown eyebrow arched. "Ah, well, that's because that Yagami didn't have permission to do this." Tai whirled Matt around and lightly pinned him against the wall.
"Do what?" Matt breathed.
Tai nuzzled his neck, smiling into the pale, smooth skin. "To hold you. To kiss you. To love you."
"I want to make something clear before you start doing any of that." Tai drew back, waiting patiently for the blonde's words. He felt that he could afford to listen now, since Matt seemed happy enough being in his arms. "I don't need you, but I want you around."
"Thanks, now who's feeding the ego?" Tai leaned closer again, brushing his lips against Matt's throat. "I love you, Yama."
"I think you like to say that," Matt teased softly, closing his eyes with a smile. He felt Tai's lips move from his throat to his chin, and then to the corner of his mouth.
"Get used to it."
Matt smiled, his eyes bright. "I think I'm strong enough to handle that."