Maybe I'd impress her
By being in a band
Maybe if I act real tough
She'll let me hold her hand and
Maybe I'll win her heart
By writing this song about her
Sometimes I sit at home
And wonder if she's
Sitting at home thinking of me
And wondering if I'm
Sitting at home thinking about her.
Or am I just wasting my time?
Clark read the lyrics from the Blink 182 song he had written down a couple of weeks ago after hearing them on the radio. It was a question he had lurking in his brain for a while, especially after the very near kiss he and Lana had shared. But since the Nicodemus incident, he had begun to doubt himself a little bit more with each passing moment. He couldn't be quite sure what it was that made him feel that way. The fact that things seemed to just turn back to normal between them was part of it, as if the kiss meant nothing in the end.
The other part of it, the worse part of it, was that Clark would never be able to come to terms with his secret and still be with Lana. Clark was directly or indirectly, linked to her parents' death. How would he tell her something that? Everything would be lost, even her friendship.
"Or am I just wasting my time?" Clark read the last line of the song. He pulled out a pencil and wrote the answer right under the question, 'Yes, you are'. The feeling of finally saying it to himself hurt, like a wave of pain had begun at the small of his back and crashed into his heart. He crumpled the piece of paper and tossed it towards a nearby garbage can. He missed as it fell just short of the receptacle.
~ As always, I just missed. ~
Clark looked over at his telescope, the lens focused squarely on the front porch of the house across the road from his.
~ One last look, then never again. No really never. Better make it last ~
Clark sat on his stool in his Fortress of Solitude, where else would he be on a weekday afternoon when his chores and homework were done? Another afternoon peering through his telescope at Lana Lang, who was in her usual fashion sitting on her porch reading a book.. There was nobody close to her in appearance, in personality, in anything. Lana was the epitome of everything Clark, no every guy, would want.
~ That is why it is time to give it all up Kent. Too much competition, Whitney non-withstanding. Did you honestly think she would run to you of all people after their inevitable break up? ~
There she sat. The "raven-haired beauty" of Smallville as so many had penned her. She deserved the title, of course. Clark had never been so entranced with anyone before he met Lana. He was positive he never would afterwards either.
~ I'm doomed to stay in this town as a farmer by day, Smallville Freak Police Detective by night. ~
Clark watched carefully as she turned the page over in her book. He looked at her fingers in particular, how soft they felt when she touched him after her rather wild show in the pool room post-Nicodemus flower exposure. The way they pulled him in carefully but forcefully in the same turn. The way she would use them to gently place her hair behind ear, exposing her neck. These little things Clark would never again get to touch and feel.
~ I'm not going to look at her lips. Don't get me started on the lips. ~
"Why don't you just tell me how you feel, Clark."
He remembered those words, and the ones that followed them when she called him a coward.
~ What would I have said even if she wasn't whacked out on Nicodemus spray? Gee Lana, Whitney is probably going to the pros and make tons of money. Why don't you pick me instead because I plan to follow my Dads footsteps and be financially destitute for the rest of my life? Yeah that would've been money. Speak of the devil…~
Clark spied Whitney drive up in his pick up and get out. With each step he walked closer to Lana, Clark felt his heart dropping. Then he kissed her as she got up to greet him. The burn that coursed through Clark's chest was unbearable. In this interminable freshman year, he had managed to get shot, stabbed, electrocuted, crushed, and other stuff he had probably repressed. But those incidents paled in comparison to this pain.
~ Oh well, it had to stop sometime. This was the most appropriate way. ~
Clark withdrew from his telescope after pointing it upwards to the heavens. He looked down at the floor as he sat and sighed. The revelation he had after Lana had confronted him about his feelings was becoming more and more logical as he repeated it to himself.
~ I'm not strong enough to get rejected and I'm not going to burden her with the responsibility of having to let me down easy. ~
Tomorrow was Friday, a day of happiness for most teenagers. Clark knew that it would be the longest of his short life. Tomorrow he would be trying to not carry Lana in his head or his heart. Tomorrow he would actively admonish himself for thinking of her even in passing. Tomorrow he would avoid conversation with her at all costs, not to look at her even momentarily.
~ I probably won't even be able to talk to Chloe or Pete either. They'll just bring her up inadvertently or she'll end up seeing us talk and want to join in. ~
"Tomorrow is going to suck," Clark said aloud to himself as he rose from his seat and walked out of the Fortress of Solitude.
By being in a band
Maybe if I act real tough
She'll let me hold her hand and
Maybe I'll win her heart
By writing this song about her
Sometimes I sit at home
And wonder if she's
Sitting at home thinking of me
And wondering if I'm
Sitting at home thinking about her.
Or am I just wasting my time?
Clark read the lyrics from the Blink 182 song he had written down a couple of weeks ago after hearing them on the radio. It was a question he had lurking in his brain for a while, especially after the very near kiss he and Lana had shared. But since the Nicodemus incident, he had begun to doubt himself a little bit more with each passing moment. He couldn't be quite sure what it was that made him feel that way. The fact that things seemed to just turn back to normal between them was part of it, as if the kiss meant nothing in the end.
The other part of it, the worse part of it, was that Clark would never be able to come to terms with his secret and still be with Lana. Clark was directly or indirectly, linked to her parents' death. How would he tell her something that? Everything would be lost, even her friendship.
"Or am I just wasting my time?" Clark read the last line of the song. He pulled out a pencil and wrote the answer right under the question, 'Yes, you are'. The feeling of finally saying it to himself hurt, like a wave of pain had begun at the small of his back and crashed into his heart. He crumpled the piece of paper and tossed it towards a nearby garbage can. He missed as it fell just short of the receptacle.
~ As always, I just missed. ~
Clark looked over at his telescope, the lens focused squarely on the front porch of the house across the road from his.
~ One last look, then never again. No really never. Better make it last ~
Clark sat on his stool in his Fortress of Solitude, where else would he be on a weekday afternoon when his chores and homework were done? Another afternoon peering through his telescope at Lana Lang, who was in her usual fashion sitting on her porch reading a book.. There was nobody close to her in appearance, in personality, in anything. Lana was the epitome of everything Clark, no every guy, would want.
~ That is why it is time to give it all up Kent. Too much competition, Whitney non-withstanding. Did you honestly think she would run to you of all people after their inevitable break up? ~
There she sat. The "raven-haired beauty" of Smallville as so many had penned her. She deserved the title, of course. Clark had never been so entranced with anyone before he met Lana. He was positive he never would afterwards either.
~ I'm doomed to stay in this town as a farmer by day, Smallville Freak Police Detective by night. ~
Clark watched carefully as she turned the page over in her book. He looked at her fingers in particular, how soft they felt when she touched him after her rather wild show in the pool room post-Nicodemus flower exposure. The way they pulled him in carefully but forcefully in the same turn. The way she would use them to gently place her hair behind ear, exposing her neck. These little things Clark would never again get to touch and feel.
~ I'm not going to look at her lips. Don't get me started on the lips. ~
"Why don't you just tell me how you feel, Clark."
He remembered those words, and the ones that followed them when she called him a coward.
~ What would I have said even if she wasn't whacked out on Nicodemus spray? Gee Lana, Whitney is probably going to the pros and make tons of money. Why don't you pick me instead because I plan to follow my Dads footsteps and be financially destitute for the rest of my life? Yeah that would've been money. Speak of the devil…~
Clark spied Whitney drive up in his pick up and get out. With each step he walked closer to Lana, Clark felt his heart dropping. Then he kissed her as she got up to greet him. The burn that coursed through Clark's chest was unbearable. In this interminable freshman year, he had managed to get shot, stabbed, electrocuted, crushed, and other stuff he had probably repressed. But those incidents paled in comparison to this pain.
~ Oh well, it had to stop sometime. This was the most appropriate way. ~
Clark withdrew from his telescope after pointing it upwards to the heavens. He looked down at the floor as he sat and sighed. The revelation he had after Lana had confronted him about his feelings was becoming more and more logical as he repeated it to himself.
~ I'm not strong enough to get rejected and I'm not going to burden her with the responsibility of having to let me down easy. ~
Tomorrow was Friday, a day of happiness for most teenagers. Clark knew that it would be the longest of his short life. Tomorrow he would be trying to not carry Lana in his head or his heart. Tomorrow he would actively admonish himself for thinking of her even in passing. Tomorrow he would avoid conversation with her at all costs, not to look at her even momentarily.
~ I probably won't even be able to talk to Chloe or Pete either. They'll just bring her up inadvertently or she'll end up seeing us talk and want to join in. ~
"Tomorrow is going to suck," Clark said aloud to himself as he rose from his seat and walked out of the Fortress of Solitude.