The Wait
by Rien
Standard disclaimers apply
Chapter 10: Coldness of Being Alone
I didn't play the game for a week until the wound on my hand is gone. But by that time, I preferred to be alone and be left alone. Anyone who disturbs me receives a headbutt or somethiing else. Even Yohei and the gang doesn't want to disturb my loneliness and grief. Nothing seems to lighten me up. Every waking day, I was sucked inside the whole of my soul. The blackness in it drives my depression to high gear and eating me.
I still play though, but my cheerfulness is gone. My fire in me is gone. I don't want to compete anymore, I don't want to live anymore. I tried to kill mself everytime but it seems I would suddenly wake up and clean the wounds that I give to myself. I'm wasted, that's it, wasted as the back pits of hell. I just played for nothing.
The practice ended. I went to the locker room to freshen myself. I entered the stall and opened the water. I sat down and let the water wash me. I have no strenght to anything anymore. Everything becomes a task, a need to survive but lately, my soul doesn't want to survive anymore. I just stayed there and I fell asleep.
I didn't know how long I stayed there. I just welcomed the nirvana that engulfed me and stopped the pain at least for a moment. I openned my eyes expecting to see the shower stall and water still running. I opened them and I saw the ceiling of the locker room. I sat up, ignoring the pain on my back from sleeping on the bench.
"Do'aho..."
I looked behind me and saw Kaede. His blue eys that are normally icy and cold have softened that reminded the midnight sky. He walked towards me and smiled.
"Nani, Rukawa?" I said.
"I've been thinking about lately. I know that I've hurt you and I know that you love me so that why you just remained quiet...." He walked towards me and sat as well. "...and I decided that I might as well try to be with you..."
"What are you saying Rukawa?"
"I'm saying yes to your proposition..."
My eyes widened. I smiled at him as he smiled back. I didn't expected this to happen. I dressed myself and grabbed my bag. I walked him home. I said goodnight to him and walked towards my house. I felt giddy all of a sudden and all of my demons have disappered, neatly tucked away somewhere in my head. By the time I got home, I was exhausted that I fell asleep right away.
The next day, I played with all my heart and smiled my genuine smile. I'm stiull as loud as ever and still argues with people around, insulting them. I was so happy that I didn't care what other people think of me. We held our relationship a secret. I didn't care as long as my kitsune is with me, nothing matters, right? That's what I thought and after a week, we broke up. I was shattered, I thought everything was ok. He explained that he was threatened that Iwould somehow say yes to Koshino and leave him.
Yes, only threatened, he only said yes to me because he felt threatened becuase of another boy that would court me. I nodded in response and I still walked him home. I let him go, just like that.
Now, everything is worthless once again. I punch the walls again and again until my fist are sore. I slashed my wrist again with the razor in my bathroom. The blood flowed out like water. This is a never ending cycle that would ultimate kill me. I know that it will happen, eventually. I would like to suffer before I leave this desolate place.
My mask is placed on my face again. I smiled, I laugh and insulted everyone in the team. I'm still loud as ever and still singing my song. I didn't know that anyone would notice my mask until Micchy walked beside me and smiled.
"Why are you pretending that you're alright?" he asked. I was in my own world and didn't heard anything that he said. The past events are stuck in my mind and still there. I wanted to hate him but I can't, I love him, I love him.
"I love him.." I dind't realised that I said it aloud until Micchy grabbed my shouder and smiled. Tears gathered up my eyes and rolled down to one cheek.
"But he left you, didn't he?"
That was the last thing I want to remember. The pain suddenly came back. Everything came back. I just have to get away from everything.
I turned and ran. I ran and ran until I got home. I looked around and saw nothing. Nothing that could help me, nothing at all. I sat on the couch and hugged myself. I felt cold, empty. Fresh tears pured out until I slept. Darkness took over....
by Rien
Standard disclaimers apply
Chapter 10: Coldness of Being Alone
I didn't play the game for a week until the wound on my hand is gone. But by that time, I preferred to be alone and be left alone. Anyone who disturbs me receives a headbutt or somethiing else. Even Yohei and the gang doesn't want to disturb my loneliness and grief. Nothing seems to lighten me up. Every waking day, I was sucked inside the whole of my soul. The blackness in it drives my depression to high gear and eating me.
I still play though, but my cheerfulness is gone. My fire in me is gone. I don't want to compete anymore, I don't want to live anymore. I tried to kill mself everytime but it seems I would suddenly wake up and clean the wounds that I give to myself. I'm wasted, that's it, wasted as the back pits of hell. I just played for nothing.
The practice ended. I went to the locker room to freshen myself. I entered the stall and opened the water. I sat down and let the water wash me. I have no strenght to anything anymore. Everything becomes a task, a need to survive but lately, my soul doesn't want to survive anymore. I just stayed there and I fell asleep.
I didn't know how long I stayed there. I just welcomed the nirvana that engulfed me and stopped the pain at least for a moment. I openned my eyes expecting to see the shower stall and water still running. I opened them and I saw the ceiling of the locker room. I sat up, ignoring the pain on my back from sleeping on the bench.
"Do'aho..."
I looked behind me and saw Kaede. His blue eys that are normally icy and cold have softened that reminded the midnight sky. He walked towards me and smiled.
"Nani, Rukawa?" I said.
"I've been thinking about lately. I know that I've hurt you and I know that you love me so that why you just remained quiet...." He walked towards me and sat as well. "...and I decided that I might as well try to be with you..."
"What are you saying Rukawa?"
"I'm saying yes to your proposition..."
My eyes widened. I smiled at him as he smiled back. I didn't expected this to happen. I dressed myself and grabbed my bag. I walked him home. I said goodnight to him and walked towards my house. I felt giddy all of a sudden and all of my demons have disappered, neatly tucked away somewhere in my head. By the time I got home, I was exhausted that I fell asleep right away.
The next day, I played with all my heart and smiled my genuine smile. I'm stiull as loud as ever and still argues with people around, insulting them. I was so happy that I didn't care what other people think of me. We held our relationship a secret. I didn't care as long as my kitsune is with me, nothing matters, right? That's what I thought and after a week, we broke up. I was shattered, I thought everything was ok. He explained that he was threatened that Iwould somehow say yes to Koshino and leave him.
Yes, only threatened, he only said yes to me because he felt threatened becuase of another boy that would court me. I nodded in response and I still walked him home. I let him go, just like that.
Now, everything is worthless once again. I punch the walls again and again until my fist are sore. I slashed my wrist again with the razor in my bathroom. The blood flowed out like water. This is a never ending cycle that would ultimate kill me. I know that it will happen, eventually. I would like to suffer before I leave this desolate place.
My mask is placed on my face again. I smiled, I laugh and insulted everyone in the team. I'm still loud as ever and still singing my song. I didn't know that anyone would notice my mask until Micchy walked beside me and smiled.
"Why are you pretending that you're alright?" he asked. I was in my own world and didn't heard anything that he said. The past events are stuck in my mind and still there. I wanted to hate him but I can't, I love him, I love him.
"I love him.." I dind't realised that I said it aloud until Micchy grabbed my shouder and smiled. Tears gathered up my eyes and rolled down to one cheek.
"But he left you, didn't he?"
That was the last thing I want to remember. The pain suddenly came back. Everything came back. I just have to get away from everything.
I turned and ran. I ran and ran until I got home. I looked around and saw nothing. Nothing that could help me, nothing at all. I sat on the couch and hugged myself. I felt cold, empty. Fresh tears pured out until I slept. Darkness took over....