The Wait
by Rien
Standard disclaimers apply
Epilogue
Europe, 2002
So here I am now, in Europe. Drinking coffee in a cofee shop, and staring at the snow flowing in a lonely night like this. I'm scribbling something in the tissue paper that i would have given Kaede with the letter. The poem that's been running inside my mind. Two years of stay did help but my demons are still around. I played basketball in a University with a scholarship and working after school hours.
But I'm going crazy to the act that I can't help myself in the pain I'm feeling. All the depression and the lonelinesss that demons inflict upon me makes me wonder how much time I have before I leave forever in this world. I wonder what Kaede is doing right now... I send him a letter once with my adress on it, thinking that he would answer back. I didn't receive a note or anything from him. He does not want me, I guess. Who would want a bothersome person like me?
But I know I want to see him for the last time before I leave this world. Yes, you guessed it, I'm dying. That was the most shocking news I got when I live here in Europe. It only started with a minor headache that became a migrane with occassional nosebleeds. I didn't do anything since migranes are just a part of life especially when stressed out. With the school work I have to do while playing the sport I love and working as well. But when I fainted because of dizziness, and the insistent pounding of my head, the doctor in our school said that I have to go to a hospital for a check up just in case. I went there and found what's happening to me.
*flashback*
STATUS: DIAGNOSED WITH BRAIN CANCER THE DISEASE HAVE AFFECTED THE LEFT PART OF THE BRAIN AND THE PATIENT MAY HAVE ONLY FOUR MONTHS TO LIVE. THE BRAIN IS CONSTANTLY EXPERIENCING HEMMORHAGE AND NEEDED MEDICAL ATTENTION RIGHT AWAY.
"I'm sorry Hanamichi, but that was the findings of your headaches and nosebleeding...."
*end flashback*
That was the doctor's say about my condition but I didn't listen. My mind was on Kaede. Kaede must know, Kaede needs to know, four months to go... my heart yelled. I wrote the letter expecting an answer from him. I stopped playing basketball and attending the university. The only thing that benefits me with this pain is my depression. The depression is tucked away somewhere once again and the pain I received from my disease is the only focus of my body right now.
But in some nights when I really felt like scum of the earth, the night I feel like dying because of the headaches that I have and constant bleeding of my nose. The pain of being alone seeps as well and it makes it worse. The pain is so intense that I wanted to pound my head on the wall to make it stop throbbing but my body can't move because of the pain.
I smiled as I remeber that night. That was the night that I really needed somebody to lean to but I have no one. I left him just like that. It's not that I really wanted to leave him, it's just... hard to be with him constantly. I know that he wouldn't be happy with me so it's better to leave him and be with somebody else rather that be a burden to him. I know Sendoh is right, I'm a burden to evrybody.
I touched my forehead, feeling the pain. I need to go home befoe I colapse somewhere. i stood up and left money for the coffee I ordered. I opened the door and went out. By now, I'm seeing double. The pain is really hurting me now. I can't really see where I'm going since it was fogging slightly.
"Hana!" someone said, calling my name. Right now, I think I'm hallucinating as well. I turned around to see Kaede was on the other side.
"Hana! Look out, the car!"
My eyes widened but it was too late... too late... All I felt was pain everywhere. I welcomed it and accepted it. I opened my eyes slightly to see Kaede starring at me with tears in his eyes.
"Don't move Hana, the ambulance is coming..." he said. i smiled. I know I will not make it and what for, I'm going to die in a month anyway, so why bother.
"Don't cry...." I whispered.
"You're going to be alright Hana, I promise..." He tried to smile but failed.
"I still love you, you know, Kaede? I really do..." I said. My hand tightened at the piece of tissue that is in my hand. I placed in his hand and smiled.
May I love you 'till I die?
May I kiss you goodnight?
Before everything fades,
Before everything vanishes,
Will you dry my tears tonight?
"And I love you after all these years Hana..." he cried more openly now. I smiled once again as I welcomed the nirvana that tried to engulf me. The last thing I heard was Kaede screams of my name, trying to wake me up. But I know I can't, I know it's over...
wake naku hajimari wa otozure
owari wa itsu datte wake wo motsu
Beginnings come without any particular reason
But endings always have meaning.
- from M by Hamasaki Ayumi
~OWARI~
Author's notes: This fanfic is very meaningful to me because some of it is based on my own experience. Thank you for the reviews and I hope you enjoyed it.ü The poem is from yours truly. I wrote it the same time I experienced thses things that are included in the fanfics.
by Rien
Standard disclaimers apply
Epilogue
Europe, 2002
So here I am now, in Europe. Drinking coffee in a cofee shop, and staring at the snow flowing in a lonely night like this. I'm scribbling something in the tissue paper that i would have given Kaede with the letter. The poem that's been running inside my mind. Two years of stay did help but my demons are still around. I played basketball in a University with a scholarship and working after school hours.
But I'm going crazy to the act that I can't help myself in the pain I'm feeling. All the depression and the lonelinesss that demons inflict upon me makes me wonder how much time I have before I leave forever in this world. I wonder what Kaede is doing right now... I send him a letter once with my adress on it, thinking that he would answer back. I didn't receive a note or anything from him. He does not want me, I guess. Who would want a bothersome person like me?
But I know I want to see him for the last time before I leave this world. Yes, you guessed it, I'm dying. That was the most shocking news I got when I live here in Europe. It only started with a minor headache that became a migrane with occassional nosebleeds. I didn't do anything since migranes are just a part of life especially when stressed out. With the school work I have to do while playing the sport I love and working as well. But when I fainted because of dizziness, and the insistent pounding of my head, the doctor in our school said that I have to go to a hospital for a check up just in case. I went there and found what's happening to me.
*flashback*
STATUS: DIAGNOSED WITH BRAIN CANCER THE DISEASE HAVE AFFECTED THE LEFT PART OF THE BRAIN AND THE PATIENT MAY HAVE ONLY FOUR MONTHS TO LIVE. THE BRAIN IS CONSTANTLY EXPERIENCING HEMMORHAGE AND NEEDED MEDICAL ATTENTION RIGHT AWAY.
"I'm sorry Hanamichi, but that was the findings of your headaches and nosebleeding...."
*end flashback*
That was the doctor's say about my condition but I didn't listen. My mind was on Kaede. Kaede must know, Kaede needs to know, four months to go... my heart yelled. I wrote the letter expecting an answer from him. I stopped playing basketball and attending the university. The only thing that benefits me with this pain is my depression. The depression is tucked away somewhere once again and the pain I received from my disease is the only focus of my body right now.
But in some nights when I really felt like scum of the earth, the night I feel like dying because of the headaches that I have and constant bleeding of my nose. The pain of being alone seeps as well and it makes it worse. The pain is so intense that I wanted to pound my head on the wall to make it stop throbbing but my body can't move because of the pain.
I smiled as I remeber that night. That was the night that I really needed somebody to lean to but I have no one. I left him just like that. It's not that I really wanted to leave him, it's just... hard to be with him constantly. I know that he wouldn't be happy with me so it's better to leave him and be with somebody else rather that be a burden to him. I know Sendoh is right, I'm a burden to evrybody.
I touched my forehead, feeling the pain. I need to go home befoe I colapse somewhere. i stood up and left money for the coffee I ordered. I opened the door and went out. By now, I'm seeing double. The pain is really hurting me now. I can't really see where I'm going since it was fogging slightly.
"Hana!" someone said, calling my name. Right now, I think I'm hallucinating as well. I turned around to see Kaede was on the other side.
"Hana! Look out, the car!"
My eyes widened but it was too late... too late... All I felt was pain everywhere. I welcomed it and accepted it. I opened my eyes slightly to see Kaede starring at me with tears in his eyes.
"Don't move Hana, the ambulance is coming..." he said. i smiled. I know I will not make it and what for, I'm going to die in a month anyway, so why bother.
"Don't cry...." I whispered.
"You're going to be alright Hana, I promise..." He tried to smile but failed.
"I still love you, you know, Kaede? I really do..." I said. My hand tightened at the piece of tissue that is in my hand. I placed in his hand and smiled.
May I love you 'till I die?
May I kiss you goodnight?
Before everything fades,
Before everything vanishes,
Will you dry my tears tonight?
"And I love you after all these years Hana..." he cried more openly now. I smiled once again as I welcomed the nirvana that tried to engulf me. The last thing I heard was Kaede screams of my name, trying to wake me up. But I know I can't, I know it's over...
wake naku hajimari wa otozure
owari wa itsu datte wake wo motsu
Beginnings come without any particular reason
But endings always have meaning.
- from M by Hamasaki Ayumi
~OWARI~
Author's notes: This fanfic is very meaningful to me because some of it is based on my own experience. Thank you for the reviews and I hope you enjoyed it.ü The poem is from yours truly. I wrote it the same time I experienced thses things that are included in the fanfics.