Okay, you bitches and bastards, listen up.
My name is Mary. Mary Sue. And I'm fucking sick of you idiots and your hatred of me. You think it's easy to be me?! Do you?? **takes drag of cigarette**
It's not enough for you, that my beauty is so blindly every fucking person I talk to has to close their fucking eyes?! It's not enough that despite being a monogomous girl I've dated practically EVER SINGLE FUCKING GUY existed?! It's not enough for you that I have to fucking die at the end of every one of your so called fanfics?! Dying hurts, assholes! I'm always the one to jump in front of Draco, or Harry, or Sirius, or Lupin and die a horrible painful death and yet you still hate me?!
And it's not so peachy being the grand daughter of some ancient idiot either. For christ's sake, being the daughter of Voldemort means he had to have procreated and that's fucking scary enough! And then I have to be the offspring of him and whatever sicko who had sex with him. Gods, you think your life is tough?!
**glares**
And don't you even get started on my special magic powers too. You think I like having wings or fangs or retractable claws? That is so fucking tacky. And for christ's sake, you'd think that if I had insanely powerful magic, ten times stronger than Dumbledore, I wouldn't be dating some loser like Harry Potter, the boy who has no fucking personality!
Oh, and you think I like being little miss perfect, I'm-so-fucking-nice-that-no-one-can-resist-my-charm? For once I'd like to ram the heel of my boot up those little first years asking me for help on magical theory. I FUCKING HATE KIDS.
And you can't possibly forget Hermione. She is so much of a geek it's not even funny. And to have her hanging off my every word **shudders** DO YOU THINK I'M INSANE?!
Oh yeah, Snape. Well, trust me, you don't want Snape to like you. He's a fucking pervert. Up all night watching La Blue Girl and reading BDSM on his fucking computer. Yes, you heard me. He has a computer. He's more of a muggle lover than Weasley. And the worst thing possible to to have muggle-loving, tentacle fetished, greasy haired FREAK asking you to come down to his 'lair' and promising that his plants don't 'bite'. I'm sure all of you would love that!
Of course, I get to play Quidditch with my 'loved one', don't I? And of course I love getting sweaty and smelly while searching for a stupid flying ball, eh? And of course catching it is so much more fun and I have to be so sacrificing and heroic that I nearly DIE. All for a fucking game!!! And I just have to be the team captain for a bunch of boys going through puberty who keep ogling my firm breasts, don't I?!
**paces**
Wait a sec, slash fans. Don't think you're getting off easy. You think that tossing Harry and Draco together makes it any easier on me? Think again. I have a LIFE, you know. I don't have time to fucking play matchmaker for two idiots who aren't even hot anyway!! And you think I like being paired up with Hermione just cause she's 'there' and you feel obligated to write femslash?! I like HOT people, hot sexy people, and I'm sorry but she doesn't quite make the cut.
And slashers- you think I like dying to save Draco and Harry and keep their relationship all fucking happy and nice?! Honestly, it's not like I care about them. I'm number one to me, and there is no fucking way I'm sacrificing myself for a nerd and a priss.
So, all you plebeians, before you hate me, think about what I have to go through. Put yourself in my position. Go ahead.
I dare you.
-------