Chapter 3
The day that Brady and I were to leave dawned bright. I could barely wait to escape the confines of Salem and all it seemed to hold. Yet 8:00 am came and went and there was no sign of Brady. I thought that he must have had to run an errand; something important could be the only reason that he was not here. The time seemed to pass slowly and quickly all at the same time. Images plagued my mind as I wondered where he was. It was then that I heard a knock at the door and standing the place of Brady was Belle. Tears filled her eyes as she questioned me as to why her brother was gone for good this time. I could not respond coherently. All I could think of was he had left…abandoned me. I was alone again.
Belle's voice brings me back to the present. She was hugging me and congratulating me. I could not believe that college was over. That was it, four years and a boring ceremony were all I had of the hard work. Belle has a way about her. Despite the pomp and circumstance this moment should be having, Belle looks like a child with a new toy. Her bouncing and smiling is contagious though and I join in the celebration.
When I look at Belle I am reminded of those first few months after Brady disappeared. It is hard to imagine a worse pain than that I felt in my empty heart. Not long after he left I received the news that I was pregnant. It was a hodgepodge of emotions as I was excited, scared and even angry. I knew from the start that I would do anything to raise my baby on my own. I couldn't fathom him or her having the same kind of childhood that I had endured. Looking back, it was my baby that gave me the strength to go on after Brady left. Had Jocelyn not been conceived, I probably would have turned into one of those crazy old women with 40 cats who chases children out of her overgrown vegetable gardens while the strains of old operas blare in the background. I became determined. I enrolled at Salem University with Belle, Shawn and Mimi. I worked at Dot.com after classes each day and studied at night. It wasn't easy but there really was no other option for me. I can't say that all of this helped me to forget Brady Black but it did assuage the unbearable pain that he left me with.
After Jocelyn was born I decided that I would never speak ill of her father. I did not want her to know what turmoil I felt. I have always spoken of him with kindness and compassion for her sake anyway. She thinks of him as a prince in fairy tale. It's funny because I used to think of him that way too.
John and Marlena came to the hospital after Jocelyn was born. He was so apologetic of Brady's absence and I could the pain in his own eyes over the loss of his son. Maybe Brady wasn't gone forever, but I knew John was missing his son just as much as I did. They so wanted to be a part of Jocelyn's life and I am happy that they are. They also agreed that should Brady contact them in the future they would not mention Jocelyn. Call it pride if you will, I did not want Brady to return to Salem out of obligation, but instead out of love.
Entering my apartment after graduation was somewhat of a let down. We had a small celebration at the Brady Pub where Belle and Shawn were doted over with the affection of the entire Brady and Horton families. After they announced to the ecstatic crowd their engagement, I slipped out with Jocelyn. As much as I love them both, it is hard to watch two people in love the way they are. Jocelyn fell asleep in the back of my car as I drove home. It had been quite a day for her too and she greeted it the same way she does everyday. For having two brooding and sulky parents that she does, Jocelyn is remarkably upbeat and quite the little socialite.
It is when she is asleep that she reminds me of Brady the most. Her deep blue eyes may be covered but she has such a peaceful look on her face. She even turns up one corner of her mouth into a slight smirk that is just like what he would do when he tried not to laugh at something. She has the same nervous tendency to run one hand through her blonde curls when she has been caught doing something bad. At first it was hard to see his likeness in her, but now I can feel grateful for the reminders that have been left behind.
It was later that night that I began to doubt my sanity. I was curled up on the couch reading a new Mary Higgins Clark novel when I heard the sounds of Belle and Mimi returning home next door. Mimi's high punctuated giggling and Belle's delighted squeal broke through my tranquility as they obviously saw something that they liked. It was then that I heard a masculine voice. My mind reasoned that it had to be Shawn who was known to spend the night over at Belle's occasionally (ok more than occasionally, he was like the third roommate.). Yet the rapid pace of my heart and the tingling sensation I felt was not from Shawn's good-natured voice but it was the same reaction when I used to hear Brady's voice. I was in shock for it was either him or I was soon to be a patient of Dr. Marlena Evans- Black.
The day that Brady and I were to leave dawned bright. I could barely wait to escape the confines of Salem and all it seemed to hold. Yet 8:00 am came and went and there was no sign of Brady. I thought that he must have had to run an errand; something important could be the only reason that he was not here. The time seemed to pass slowly and quickly all at the same time. Images plagued my mind as I wondered where he was. It was then that I heard a knock at the door and standing the place of Brady was Belle. Tears filled her eyes as she questioned me as to why her brother was gone for good this time. I could not respond coherently. All I could think of was he had left…abandoned me. I was alone again.
Belle's voice brings me back to the present. She was hugging me and congratulating me. I could not believe that college was over. That was it, four years and a boring ceremony were all I had of the hard work. Belle has a way about her. Despite the pomp and circumstance this moment should be having, Belle looks like a child with a new toy. Her bouncing and smiling is contagious though and I join in the celebration.
When I look at Belle I am reminded of those first few months after Brady disappeared. It is hard to imagine a worse pain than that I felt in my empty heart. Not long after he left I received the news that I was pregnant. It was a hodgepodge of emotions as I was excited, scared and even angry. I knew from the start that I would do anything to raise my baby on my own. I couldn't fathom him or her having the same kind of childhood that I had endured. Looking back, it was my baby that gave me the strength to go on after Brady left. Had Jocelyn not been conceived, I probably would have turned into one of those crazy old women with 40 cats who chases children out of her overgrown vegetable gardens while the strains of old operas blare in the background. I became determined. I enrolled at Salem University with Belle, Shawn and Mimi. I worked at Dot.com after classes each day and studied at night. It wasn't easy but there really was no other option for me. I can't say that all of this helped me to forget Brady Black but it did assuage the unbearable pain that he left me with.
After Jocelyn was born I decided that I would never speak ill of her father. I did not want her to know what turmoil I felt. I have always spoken of him with kindness and compassion for her sake anyway. She thinks of him as a prince in fairy tale. It's funny because I used to think of him that way too.
John and Marlena came to the hospital after Jocelyn was born. He was so apologetic of Brady's absence and I could the pain in his own eyes over the loss of his son. Maybe Brady wasn't gone forever, but I knew John was missing his son just as much as I did. They so wanted to be a part of Jocelyn's life and I am happy that they are. They also agreed that should Brady contact them in the future they would not mention Jocelyn. Call it pride if you will, I did not want Brady to return to Salem out of obligation, but instead out of love.
Entering my apartment after graduation was somewhat of a let down. We had a small celebration at the Brady Pub where Belle and Shawn were doted over with the affection of the entire Brady and Horton families. After they announced to the ecstatic crowd their engagement, I slipped out with Jocelyn. As much as I love them both, it is hard to watch two people in love the way they are. Jocelyn fell asleep in the back of my car as I drove home. It had been quite a day for her too and she greeted it the same way she does everyday. For having two brooding and sulky parents that she does, Jocelyn is remarkably upbeat and quite the little socialite.
It is when she is asleep that she reminds me of Brady the most. Her deep blue eyes may be covered but she has such a peaceful look on her face. She even turns up one corner of her mouth into a slight smirk that is just like what he would do when he tried not to laugh at something. She has the same nervous tendency to run one hand through her blonde curls when she has been caught doing something bad. At first it was hard to see his likeness in her, but now I can feel grateful for the reminders that have been left behind.
It was later that night that I began to doubt my sanity. I was curled up on the couch reading a new Mary Higgins Clark novel when I heard the sounds of Belle and Mimi returning home next door. Mimi's high punctuated giggling and Belle's delighted squeal broke through my tranquility as they obviously saw something that they liked. It was then that I heard a masculine voice. My mind reasoned that it had to be Shawn who was known to spend the night over at Belle's occasionally (ok more than occasionally, he was like the third roommate.). Yet the rapid pace of my heart and the tingling sensation I felt was not from Shawn's good-natured voice but it was the same reaction when I used to hear Brady's voice. I was in shock for it was either him or I was soon to be a patient of Dr. Marlena Evans- Black.