Chapter 5
I began to pace the length of my eat-in kitchen know that I only had a few minutes left. Mimi was in Jocelyn's bedroom reading her a story and discussing what she had seen at the zoo this morning. I could hear my daughter's laughter from the bedroom and wondered for just a moment what it would be like if Brady and I were together and he had never left. I could picture him and I playing in the park with her and tucking her in at night. I could imagine even the worst days being better with him around. Then reality reared its ugly head. He had not been around for me or for Jocelyn. He didn't know what a beautiful daughter he had and I wasn't sure what his reaction would be to her.
Time crept by. I could see the digital clock on the microwave now showing 7:04. Belle was to bring Brady back to her apartment after dinner. She had told me to come by with a handful of Belle and Mimi's mail that had accidentally been placed in the wrong mail slot. I was just doing a good deed. I would see Brady and if I felt comfortable I would speak. That was a big if. In my heart I knew that this was all going to be a huge mistake but I couldn't say no. I had the opportunity to show him that I had made it fine on my own. No I wasn't the opera singing diva I had longed to be but I had a better life than I ever imagined possible. I had to let him know that while his leaving hurt it did not destroy me. Most of all I wanted him to know that when he left he walked out on what could have been a wonderful life for him and I both. I knew that I could not sound bitter or hateful. That would show him how much I did care. I knew that I had to be strong and independent. The staccato steps of Belle's high-heeled pumps made me realize that the time had come. I could hear the heavy footsteps of Brady following his sister and the mumbled voices as they made conversation. I knew that I should wait a minute and then go to her door. It was a long minute.
So there I stood my hand poised just to the right of Mimi and Belle's apartment number. My palms were sweaty with the pent up nervousness that was plaguing me at that moment. Sighing heavily I made contact with the door. It took every bit of strength I had to stand there and wait for Belle to answer. I knew what was awaiting me on the other side of the door and it blew my mind to think that I was walking into this. The door flew open and standing there instead of a petite friendly blonde was the man I was no longer prepared to see. His smile faded as he looked at me. I guess he must have been shocked. I know that I was.
My mouth felt full of saw dust as I spoke. I think it came out in bits and pieces not full and coherent sentences. I think I might have mentioned Belle's name and mail but that was the full extent of my vocabulary. So much for eloquent statements of how wonderfully I am doing without him and how I hoped he dropped off of a cliff. Instead I am sure I sounded as fragmented as the foreign exchange student living downstairs. Brady didn't speak he merely looked a Belle whose eyes were red from crying. As she made her way to me I could see a small stack of photographs in her hand. She tried to look me in the eye but I could tell that something was troubling her. Instead she reached her free hand out and took the mail. Her voice cracked as she explained that she would have to talk to me later. Now was not a good time for her.
I took a step back realizing that something must be horribly wrong for Belle not to be her upbeat self. I could not put my finger on the cause of her distress but I knew that somehow my meeting with Brady would have to wait. Little did I realize at the time that the forces that drove Brady away from me were now swirling again.
Mimi was shocked when I came back so early. When I had no answers for her scores of questions, she kissed Jocelyn's cheek and rushed out the door. Since high school Mimi has considered herself to be somewhat of a detective. She was planning on going to graduate school to pursue a career in criminal psychology. I think she has just been in Salem too long.
Realizing that my moment lucidity would have to wait for a more opportune time, I began to get Jocelyn ready for bed. We had early morning planned and I knew that she needed her sleep. It also happened that I needed a distraction. I replayed the earlier scene in my mind. Brady's face went from one of serenity to one of shock and finally as I left he seemed to avoiding looking at me all together. It was hard to understand. He was the one who left me why would it bother him so much. Brady never did anything he didn't want to do nor did he say anything he didn't want to say. I couldn't fathom that he felt remorse it must have just been the surprise of seeing me again.
After Jocelyn was tucked in with her prayers said and her story read, I sat down to contemplate my next move. It was disconcerting to think that I had been that close to him and had not been able to tell him off like I longed to do. Instead my attention went directly to his finely chiseled features. Why on earth had God made that man so good looking? Why couldn't he have crossed eyes or a wart on his nose? Why hadn't his muscles fallen to atrophy? Why hadn't he developed a beer belly or spare tire? I knew that the next time I saw him, if I ever saw him again, I would not be any less influenced by his perfect features and physique.
Mimi returned to my apartment just as I was considering sleep. Her demeanor was also changed. Her eyes were dark and unfeeling as she stared at me explaining that Belle was sorry but there was no need for me to see Brady tonight or any other night.
"What do you mean NO NEED?" I screamed at Mimi.
"Please keep your voice down," Mimi whispered. "I just didn't want you to be in the dark. Belle thinks it is better if you stay away from Brady and move on."
"Mimi, is she nuts? I didn't look Brady up. You two concocted this stupid plan for me to see him not me." Tears were beginning to form in the corners of my eyes and my voice was cracking. "I knew it would be hard to see him again and yet I did it because you guys thought it was such a brilliant idea."
"Well it wasn't such a good idea."
"I guess not, Mimi. Can you at least tell me why Belle was so upset when I came by?"
Mimi appeared to be considering my question. She seemed torn and nervous as she peered at the door to her apartment. I knew that Belle and Brady were sitting behind that door and even though the distance had not physically changed it seemed farther away than it had a few moments ago. "She knows Chloe and so do I," Mimi finally sputtered out.
"You know what?" This was making no sense to me. Mimi was looking more agitated than friendly then.
"I don't want to discuss it now, but we know about that summer. I know that things are different now, but I don't think that Belle or Brady will ever be willing to forgive you." Mimi turned on her heel and walked back to her own door. She didn't look at me as she walked into the apartment. I couldn't stop her for I had no words strong enough.
I began to pace the length of my eat-in kitchen know that I only had a few minutes left. Mimi was in Jocelyn's bedroom reading her a story and discussing what she had seen at the zoo this morning. I could hear my daughter's laughter from the bedroom and wondered for just a moment what it would be like if Brady and I were together and he had never left. I could picture him and I playing in the park with her and tucking her in at night. I could imagine even the worst days being better with him around. Then reality reared its ugly head. He had not been around for me or for Jocelyn. He didn't know what a beautiful daughter he had and I wasn't sure what his reaction would be to her.
Time crept by. I could see the digital clock on the microwave now showing 7:04. Belle was to bring Brady back to her apartment after dinner. She had told me to come by with a handful of Belle and Mimi's mail that had accidentally been placed in the wrong mail slot. I was just doing a good deed. I would see Brady and if I felt comfortable I would speak. That was a big if. In my heart I knew that this was all going to be a huge mistake but I couldn't say no. I had the opportunity to show him that I had made it fine on my own. No I wasn't the opera singing diva I had longed to be but I had a better life than I ever imagined possible. I had to let him know that while his leaving hurt it did not destroy me. Most of all I wanted him to know that when he left he walked out on what could have been a wonderful life for him and I both. I knew that I could not sound bitter or hateful. That would show him how much I did care. I knew that I had to be strong and independent. The staccato steps of Belle's high-heeled pumps made me realize that the time had come. I could hear the heavy footsteps of Brady following his sister and the mumbled voices as they made conversation. I knew that I should wait a minute and then go to her door. It was a long minute.
So there I stood my hand poised just to the right of Mimi and Belle's apartment number. My palms were sweaty with the pent up nervousness that was plaguing me at that moment. Sighing heavily I made contact with the door. It took every bit of strength I had to stand there and wait for Belle to answer. I knew what was awaiting me on the other side of the door and it blew my mind to think that I was walking into this. The door flew open and standing there instead of a petite friendly blonde was the man I was no longer prepared to see. His smile faded as he looked at me. I guess he must have been shocked. I know that I was.
My mouth felt full of saw dust as I spoke. I think it came out in bits and pieces not full and coherent sentences. I think I might have mentioned Belle's name and mail but that was the full extent of my vocabulary. So much for eloquent statements of how wonderfully I am doing without him and how I hoped he dropped off of a cliff. Instead I am sure I sounded as fragmented as the foreign exchange student living downstairs. Brady didn't speak he merely looked a Belle whose eyes were red from crying. As she made her way to me I could see a small stack of photographs in her hand. She tried to look me in the eye but I could tell that something was troubling her. Instead she reached her free hand out and took the mail. Her voice cracked as she explained that she would have to talk to me later. Now was not a good time for her.
I took a step back realizing that something must be horribly wrong for Belle not to be her upbeat self. I could not put my finger on the cause of her distress but I knew that somehow my meeting with Brady would have to wait. Little did I realize at the time that the forces that drove Brady away from me were now swirling again.
Mimi was shocked when I came back so early. When I had no answers for her scores of questions, she kissed Jocelyn's cheek and rushed out the door. Since high school Mimi has considered herself to be somewhat of a detective. She was planning on going to graduate school to pursue a career in criminal psychology. I think she has just been in Salem too long.
Realizing that my moment lucidity would have to wait for a more opportune time, I began to get Jocelyn ready for bed. We had early morning planned and I knew that she needed her sleep. It also happened that I needed a distraction. I replayed the earlier scene in my mind. Brady's face went from one of serenity to one of shock and finally as I left he seemed to avoiding looking at me all together. It was hard to understand. He was the one who left me why would it bother him so much. Brady never did anything he didn't want to do nor did he say anything he didn't want to say. I couldn't fathom that he felt remorse it must have just been the surprise of seeing me again.
After Jocelyn was tucked in with her prayers said and her story read, I sat down to contemplate my next move. It was disconcerting to think that I had been that close to him and had not been able to tell him off like I longed to do. Instead my attention went directly to his finely chiseled features. Why on earth had God made that man so good looking? Why couldn't he have crossed eyes or a wart on his nose? Why hadn't his muscles fallen to atrophy? Why hadn't he developed a beer belly or spare tire? I knew that the next time I saw him, if I ever saw him again, I would not be any less influenced by his perfect features and physique.
Mimi returned to my apartment just as I was considering sleep. Her demeanor was also changed. Her eyes were dark and unfeeling as she stared at me explaining that Belle was sorry but there was no need for me to see Brady tonight or any other night.
"What do you mean NO NEED?" I screamed at Mimi.
"Please keep your voice down," Mimi whispered. "I just didn't want you to be in the dark. Belle thinks it is better if you stay away from Brady and move on."
"Mimi, is she nuts? I didn't look Brady up. You two concocted this stupid plan for me to see him not me." Tears were beginning to form in the corners of my eyes and my voice was cracking. "I knew it would be hard to see him again and yet I did it because you guys thought it was such a brilliant idea."
"Well it wasn't such a good idea."
"I guess not, Mimi. Can you at least tell me why Belle was so upset when I came by?"
Mimi appeared to be considering my question. She seemed torn and nervous as she peered at the door to her apartment. I knew that Belle and Brady were sitting behind that door and even though the distance had not physically changed it seemed farther away than it had a few moments ago. "She knows Chloe and so do I," Mimi finally sputtered out.
"You know what?" This was making no sense to me. Mimi was looking more agitated than friendly then.
"I don't want to discuss it now, but we know about that summer. I know that things are different now, but I don't think that Belle or Brady will ever be willing to forgive you." Mimi turned on her heel and walked back to her own door. She didn't look at me as she walked into the apartment. I couldn't stop her for I had no words strong enough.