As Akane and Ranma run to school, Ranma announces "This Saturday Mousse, Shampoo and I are going to spend an afternoon together like we did with Ukyou."
"You plan to date Shampoo?" Akane is about to clock him. "Ranma ..."
"It's not a date! I'm spending time with a couple of friends. What's wrong with you? Are you waiting to pounce on me?"
"You know how I feel about Shampoo!"
"That's one of the reasons you aren't invited."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I want to enjoy myself. Not be in the middle of a war, where you try to beat me up for everything Shampoo does, because you know she'd clean your clock if you attacked her."
"How dare you say that!"
"Because it's true. Shampoo is stronger and more skilled than you are, and you often attack me for her actions. It's practically a damned cliche: She demonstrates her affection, you punt me across town, I have to run back because otherwise she'll kill you."
"I can take her anytime!" Akane begins trying to hit Ranma with her mallet.
"Now you sound like Kuno, 'Ranma, You'll never defeat me!' I would have thought you were brighter than him."
"How dare you compare me to him!"
"You practically force the comparison. You and Kuno occasionally win when you find some advantage, but otherwise you lose. You both are full of empty boasting, and prone to swinging a weapon whenever someone tries to tell you you're wrong. He's a delusional samurai wannabe, what's your excuse?"
"How dare you!"
"You said that already. Why don't you prove me wrong. Stop trying to hit me, you wont connect anyway, and try calm debating. I know it's not your strong suit, but you should be able to think without a mallet. Do you even have a reason for attacking me? I mean besides `You make me so angry.' People would think you were a bully, if you could connect. You really should stop swinging. If we keep this up we'll be late, and this is pretty pathetic. I know! I'll run to school, and you can chase me! You're good at that."
"Ranma!!"
* * *
"Ranma, I haven't forgiven you for this morning, but here's your lunch. You're going to eat it and like it!"
"Did you make it?"
"Yes, I did!"
"Why should I bother, you'll clobber me afterwards."
"Only if you insult my cooking."
"Lets see. Kodachi's food is laced with debilitating drugs. Shampoo's food is excellently prepared, but sometimes part of a plot against me. ..."
"You compared me to Kuno this morning, don't you dare compare me to those two. I made it for you."
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why?"
"Why do you try to cook for me? It can't be because Ukyou and Shampoo do. You're too bright to try to compete with professionals in something that is just a new hobby to you. It can't be to share something you created for my enjoyment, because you never serve me something you've tried yourself. It's not because you like how I responded the last time you did this, unless you enjoy malleting me. I won't even go into the possible reasons if your last few dishes came out as you intended. If you want me to eat it, eat half of it first."
"Are you saying it's not good?"
"No, I'm saying that neither of us knows how it tastes. Why don't you try it and see if it conveys the message you intend?"
"All right! I'll show you!" Akane consumes a large mouthful of her own cooking.
"When I get the dry heaves, she thinks I'm overreacting in order to insult her. Ukyou, please help me get her to the nurse's station."
* * *
Nodoka asked her son, "Ranma, what exactly is your interest in Kodachi?"
"If I don't keep track of her, I'm liable to wake up drugged in the Kuno mansion and find I've been either raped or married while unconscious. or both."
"But if you have no romantic interest in her, and we have no obligation for her suit, why am I meeting with her tonight?"
"Because she's a delusional violent psychotic who's obsessed with me. She sees me as the perfect man, and if you didn't meet her, she'd assume you are trying to keep us apart. You have to meet her to believe the stories about her, and I'd rather placate her, than have her ambush you with exploding, drugged, black roses."
* * *
"Mother, Let me present to you Kodachi Kuno, martial gymnast, and practical chemist."
"Please make yourself comfortable, and tell me how you met my son."
"At the time, I was the undefeated champion of martial arts gymnastics for my school, St. Hebereke. The Furinkan team asked Akane Tendo to compete against me. I was leaving the dojo by rooftop after sizing my new opponent up. I was distracted by a passing piglet when something knocked me mostly senseless, and I fell from the roof. When I came to, Ranma-sama was holding me in his arms, having saved me from injury, or worse. ..."
* * *
"So I put aside my love for him, but my heart would not sit still. A whole new love of him arose, and has only grown with time. If only he wasn't committed to these other girls, he'd be free to show the world his love for me, but Ranma-sama is nothing, if not honorable. He is much more than the other girls deserve."
"Please tell me more about your interactions with my son."
"Well, since he has to maintain propriety, I have to find reasons that he'd find honorable to spend some time together. Once we collided, and someone took a photograph of Ranma laying on top of me, using his arms to keep from crushing me. Purely a normal accident for two people who are so often running around; but the photo looked like an illicit encounter of the kind that all school girls dream. ..."
* * *
"... But the leather can wait until after we're happily married."
"I must say, I've never met anyone quite like you before. The stories I've heard about you don't do you justice. I'm sorry to see that you suffer from a love my son cannot return. I will have to do something about these conflicting commitments, and I promise to keep you in mind while I look for a solution."
* * *
"Son, how much of Kodachi's story was true?"
"Well, if you ignore wherever she tries to explain someone else's motives, and you understand the euphemisms she uses, then it's pretty much accurate."
"Euphemisms?"
"For example she'll say `she sized up Akane for the competition' where she means `she ambushed Akane in bed with a mallet hoping to disable her before the competition', whenever I `waited for her to kiss me' she means I `was paralyzed due to her drugging me a moment before', and so on. The only people who believe I even want to be anywhere near her are her, her brother, and Akane when she's in one of her violent jealous phases."
* * *
"So, when do you plan to go on a date with Kodachi?" Akane asks with venom in her voice.
"After you acquire the demeanor of Kasumi, and Happosai gives up perversion for the pleasures of flower arranging. Whichever comes last. Why would anyone want to spend time with a Kuno?"
* * *
"Ranma, I've found you at last! Now I can kill you!" Ryouga screams from the Tendo's yard.
Nodoka interrupts, "No murdering in the house. You're both guests here. Use the dojo."
"Sorry about that. I don't think I've ever seen you here before. Are you a relative of the Tendos?"
Ranma steps in. "Ryouga, I'd like you to meet my mother. Mom, this is Ryouga Hibiki, one of my regular sparring partners, and Akane's friend."
"You think I'm just your sparing partner? I've come to kill you for making my life hell!"
"Would you explain to my mother how I made your life hell?"
"Oh, um. It was nothing, really."
"Well, you two have fun, but keep your fighting to the dojo."
"Yes, mom." "Yes, ma'am."
* * *
"Are you really planning to tell Akane?"
"Yes, you left me no choice. If you restricted yourself to biting me, and getting me in trouble, I'd keep quiet no matter how much I hate it. But you are violating Akane's trust. I haven't told her yet because I don't want to get you killed for this. I know you didn't intend to take advantage of her. But I wont let you continue."
"I have to be there to protect her from you during the night!"
"That's ridiculous. The only times I was in there was when I came after you. You're only here a few days at a time. What kind of protection is that? Stay out of her bed, or tell her about your curse, or watch the love Akane shows her pet turn to hate. I'm leaving you no other options."
"I could kill you instead!" Ryouga says as he charges Ranma.
"You wont succeed" Ranma says as he returns his attack.
* * *
"You plan to date Shampoo?" Akane is about to clock him. "Ranma ..."
"It's not a date! I'm spending time with a couple of friends. What's wrong with you? Are you waiting to pounce on me?"
"You know how I feel about Shampoo!"
"That's one of the reasons you aren't invited."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I want to enjoy myself. Not be in the middle of a war, where you try to beat me up for everything Shampoo does, because you know she'd clean your clock if you attacked her."
"How dare you say that!"
"Because it's true. Shampoo is stronger and more skilled than you are, and you often attack me for her actions. It's practically a damned cliche: She demonstrates her affection, you punt me across town, I have to run back because otherwise she'll kill you."
"I can take her anytime!" Akane begins trying to hit Ranma with her mallet.
"Now you sound like Kuno, 'Ranma, You'll never defeat me!' I would have thought you were brighter than him."
"How dare you compare me to him!"
"You practically force the comparison. You and Kuno occasionally win when you find some advantage, but otherwise you lose. You both are full of empty boasting, and prone to swinging a weapon whenever someone tries to tell you you're wrong. He's a delusional samurai wannabe, what's your excuse?"
"How dare you!"
"You said that already. Why don't you prove me wrong. Stop trying to hit me, you wont connect anyway, and try calm debating. I know it's not your strong suit, but you should be able to think without a mallet. Do you even have a reason for attacking me? I mean besides `You make me so angry.' People would think you were a bully, if you could connect. You really should stop swinging. If we keep this up we'll be late, and this is pretty pathetic. I know! I'll run to school, and you can chase me! You're good at that."
"Ranma!!"
* * *
"Ranma, I haven't forgiven you for this morning, but here's your lunch. You're going to eat it and like it!"
"Did you make it?"
"Yes, I did!"
"Why should I bother, you'll clobber me afterwards."
"Only if you insult my cooking."
"Lets see. Kodachi's food is laced with debilitating drugs. Shampoo's food is excellently prepared, but sometimes part of a plot against me. ..."
"You compared me to Kuno this morning, don't you dare compare me to those two. I made it for you."
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why?"
"Why do you try to cook for me? It can't be because Ukyou and Shampoo do. You're too bright to try to compete with professionals in something that is just a new hobby to you. It can't be to share something you created for my enjoyment, because you never serve me something you've tried yourself. It's not because you like how I responded the last time you did this, unless you enjoy malleting me. I won't even go into the possible reasons if your last few dishes came out as you intended. If you want me to eat it, eat half of it first."
"Are you saying it's not good?"
"No, I'm saying that neither of us knows how it tastes. Why don't you try it and see if it conveys the message you intend?"
"All right! I'll show you!" Akane consumes a large mouthful of her own cooking.
"When I get the dry heaves, she thinks I'm overreacting in order to insult her. Ukyou, please help me get her to the nurse's station."
* * *
Nodoka asked her son, "Ranma, what exactly is your interest in Kodachi?"
"If I don't keep track of her, I'm liable to wake up drugged in the Kuno mansion and find I've been either raped or married while unconscious. or both."
"But if you have no romantic interest in her, and we have no obligation for her suit, why am I meeting with her tonight?"
"Because she's a delusional violent psychotic who's obsessed with me. She sees me as the perfect man, and if you didn't meet her, she'd assume you are trying to keep us apart. You have to meet her to believe the stories about her, and I'd rather placate her, than have her ambush you with exploding, drugged, black roses."
* * *
"Mother, Let me present to you Kodachi Kuno, martial gymnast, and practical chemist."
"Please make yourself comfortable, and tell me how you met my son."
"At the time, I was the undefeated champion of martial arts gymnastics for my school, St. Hebereke. The Furinkan team asked Akane Tendo to compete against me. I was leaving the dojo by rooftop after sizing my new opponent up. I was distracted by a passing piglet when something knocked me mostly senseless, and I fell from the roof. When I came to, Ranma-sama was holding me in his arms, having saved me from injury, or worse. ..."
* * *
"So I put aside my love for him, but my heart would not sit still. A whole new love of him arose, and has only grown with time. If only he wasn't committed to these other girls, he'd be free to show the world his love for me, but Ranma-sama is nothing, if not honorable. He is much more than the other girls deserve."
"Please tell me more about your interactions with my son."
"Well, since he has to maintain propriety, I have to find reasons that he'd find honorable to spend some time together. Once we collided, and someone took a photograph of Ranma laying on top of me, using his arms to keep from crushing me. Purely a normal accident for two people who are so often running around; but the photo looked like an illicit encounter of the kind that all school girls dream. ..."
* * *
"... But the leather can wait until after we're happily married."
"I must say, I've never met anyone quite like you before. The stories I've heard about you don't do you justice. I'm sorry to see that you suffer from a love my son cannot return. I will have to do something about these conflicting commitments, and I promise to keep you in mind while I look for a solution."
* * *
"Son, how much of Kodachi's story was true?"
"Well, if you ignore wherever she tries to explain someone else's motives, and you understand the euphemisms she uses, then it's pretty much accurate."
"Euphemisms?"
"For example she'll say `she sized up Akane for the competition' where she means `she ambushed Akane in bed with a mallet hoping to disable her before the competition', whenever I `waited for her to kiss me' she means I `was paralyzed due to her drugging me a moment before', and so on. The only people who believe I even want to be anywhere near her are her, her brother, and Akane when she's in one of her violent jealous phases."
* * *
"So, when do you plan to go on a date with Kodachi?" Akane asks with venom in her voice.
"After you acquire the demeanor of Kasumi, and Happosai gives up perversion for the pleasures of flower arranging. Whichever comes last. Why would anyone want to spend time with a Kuno?"
* * *
"Ranma, I've found you at last! Now I can kill you!" Ryouga screams from the Tendo's yard.
Nodoka interrupts, "No murdering in the house. You're both guests here. Use the dojo."
"Sorry about that. I don't think I've ever seen you here before. Are you a relative of the Tendos?"
Ranma steps in. "Ryouga, I'd like you to meet my mother. Mom, this is Ryouga Hibiki, one of my regular sparring partners, and Akane's friend."
"You think I'm just your sparing partner? I've come to kill you for making my life hell!"
"Would you explain to my mother how I made your life hell?"
"Oh, um. It was nothing, really."
"Well, you two have fun, but keep your fighting to the dojo."
"Yes, mom." "Yes, ma'am."
* * *
"Are you really planning to tell Akane?"
"Yes, you left me no choice. If you restricted yourself to biting me, and getting me in trouble, I'd keep quiet no matter how much I hate it. But you are violating Akane's trust. I haven't told her yet because I don't want to get you killed for this. I know you didn't intend to take advantage of her. But I wont let you continue."
"I have to be there to protect her from you during the night!"
"That's ridiculous. The only times I was in there was when I came after you. You're only here a few days at a time. What kind of protection is that? Stay out of her bed, or tell her about your curse, or watch the love Akane shows her pet turn to hate. I'm leaving you no other options."
"I could kill you instead!" Ryouga says as he charges Ranma.
"You wont succeed" Ranma says as he returns his attack.
* * *