Over breakfast, Akane is coddling P-chan with a worried expression. When asked what was wrong, she said that P-chan wouldn't sleep in her bed last night, and crawled under her bed.
"Well, Akane, you are stronger than most people. Perhaps you hugged him too hard in your sleep."
"Ranma, don't pretend you care about P-chan!"
"Hey, I've always treated him well when he wasn't sleeping with you, or biting me. You ought to make him a bed of his own. He's very independent. He'll sleep where he wants until he decides otherwise."
At this point, P-chan leaps from Akane's arms, and bites Ranma's arm. Ranma doesn't react. "Akane, you've got to discipline your pet." Nodoka scolds.
"He never attacks anyone but Ranma."
Ranma answers, "And that doesn't bother Akane at all. If I do anything to stop him, Akane will hit me. She likes to see her pet attack me, and then wonders why I don't like it."
"He only attacks because you pick on him!"
"He started attacking me the night you found him when I tried to give him a bath, and he's been attacking me ever since, even when I've rescued him for you. You spoil him and give him tacit approval for attacking me. I've given up on trying to discipline him."
"I do not approve of him attacking you!"
"He's still biting my arm. Are you planning on stopping him any time soon?"
"P-chan come here! Stop biting Ranma, and finish your breakfast."
"That's telling him, Akane. As punishment for attacking me, you're going to feed him by hand. That'll train him."
"Ranma, shut up!"
* * *
Ranma jumped to the side just as Shampoo's bike descended from above, missing him barely. "Nihao. You date Shampoo now, right?"
"Not now, Shampoo. I've no desire to date anyone, or watch anyone fight about me, Or argue with anyone about who I'll marry if I live longer than a year. Infact I have no desire to see anyone, and I'm damned if I'm going to spend today stuck in class. Akane, tell the teachers I'm not in school today because I'd feel guilty if I killed or maimed any them." And with that closing remark, he leaped for the roof and was gone.
Shampoo and Akane looked at each other, expressing their customary animosity, but with identical looks of worry overlaid on both their faces.
* * *
Ranma returned to school during lunch in much better spirits. Ukyou cornered him and asked where he'd been. "Oh, I just needed to relax. I went to the park, and then sat by the canal. I was so out of it, but I feel great now."
"Ranma Saotome!", Hinako-sensei walks up to him, "Where were you this morning!"
"Preventing incidental damage to the school grounds, as any student should!"
"Are you saying that there would have been violence here, and you were preventing it?"
"The likelihood of unnecessary fighting was much higher than average. If there were no fights, I can only assume I succeeded."
"OK, but try not to be absent again."
* * *
As Kuno strides across the campus grounds he says "Sasuke! I need some advice."
His humble ninja appears three steps behind him "Certainly, master. On what subject?"
"Not from you! I need advice on Ranma, but I don't know whom to ask. My sister maintains a delusional fascination over him, so she's too biased. Arguing with Nabiki is like sitting under a waterfall while your house is being robbed, arguably good for the soul, but decidedly unpleasant, and financially ruinous; there must be a better choice."
"How about Mousse, or Ryouga?"
"They are a boorish lot. I need someone with a fine sense of the niceties of our situation. Someone of surpassing awareness. Someone whose wisdom could rival my own in order to provide the answers I seek."
"The only ones you praise so highly are your two loves."
"Of course! Akane! She's perfect! I'll ask her at once!"
* * *
Ukyou and Ranma are talking between periods. "So, how was the meeting between your mother, and the gymnast voted `most likely to be non-consensually sedated'?"
"Mom's still in shock. She flips between disgust and pity. She said something about talking to the principal at St. Hebereke."
* * *
Kuno approaches Akane at high speeds. "Akane Tendou, you are perfect ..." unfortunately his sentence is interrupted by her punching him out of the window, out of school, and out of consciousness.
* * *
"Ucchan, I think I've hit my mom's limit on what she can accept all at once. We started with your accusations of my father. The next night mom watched Mousse and Shampoo change forms, followed by a night with Kodachi. Thank goodness we have a night of relative quiet. I want her relaxed before I tell her about my phobia."
"You've demonstrated everything else for your mother, are you planning on showing her its effect?"
"No. Cologne can't predict what the effect will be, what with the coin and all. She said something about not wanting to face a crazed martial artist who no one could subdue. I'm gonna rely on testimony"
"When do you plan to tell her?"
"When she's no longer freaked over magic, and my multiple fiancees."
* * *
As Kuno stirs back to consciousness, he says "Sasuke! I need some advice."
His humble ninja appears, kneeling at Kuno's head. "Certainly, master. Command, and I'll obey."
"Not from you! I need advice on how to approach Akane about Ranma. It seems my delicate lily, today has the temper of a tigress."
"You're mixing metaphors again. Ooof!" Sasuke collapses from the juxtapositioning of his head with Kuno's bokken.
"Right. Time to face the waterfall with equanimity. But first, the ATM machine."
"ATM machine is redundant, the M stands for machine. Ooof!" Sasuke collapses again.
* * *
"So, Ran-chan, what are you and Akane arguing over now?"
"This morning, when her pet bit me, instead of clobbering it I pointed out that Akane approves of her pet's actions."
"You think she wants it to bite you?"
"I know she doesn't mind it. I think she considers it normal. This morning I didn't feel like being clobbered. The only way to avoid it was to get to the root of the problem. Like when I got her to try her cooking yesterday. In both cases, the root of the problem was Akane, and when it was pointed out, she reacted poorly."
* * *
"Nabiki Tendo! I need your advice."
"2,000 yen."
"You're naming the price without knowing what I'm going to ask?"
"Kuno, the odds of you surprising me with your question is extremely low." Kuno hands over the money. "How can I help you?"
* * *
"Let me get this straight. You want me to give you advice on approaching Akane, in order to get advice from her about dealing with Ranma, in order to approach Ranma to develop a relationship with him to facilitate your suit with the pig-tailed girl. Congratulations, Kuno, I couldn't have predicted this one. I can give it to you simply, but I don't think you can follow my advice..."
"The great Tatewaki can do anything he sets his mind to!"
"This one I'd like to watch. I'll give you a list of things not to do. If you can avoid them, and stick to your planned conversation, you should be able to talk to Akane about Ranma as long as you want. If you compliment Akane, she'll deck you. Ditto if you ignore her for a moment, or slight her in any way. If you refer to your own superiority in any way at all, she'll deck you. If you insult any of her family, she'll deck you, however if you agree with her father engaging her to Ranma, she'll clobber you. If you complement or insult Ranma, there's a chance she'll deck you; avoid both to be safe. Don't approach her when she's mad at anyone else, especially if you intend to mention Ranma. Don't run. Don't carry a weapon, or flowers. Avoid all exesses, including those of humility. Avoid archaic constructs, and quotes or allusions from literature. In times of great importance, you can protect yourself by divesting yourself of anything that seperates you from the common herd. If you didn't dress like a Samurai, and made no reference to your change, she'd pay more attention. If you dressed like a religious penitent, she'd think you cracked, but if you dressed as an average student, you'd have her undivided attention for a while. Don't announce any grandious plans for the future. And finally, try not to discuss your sister."
"But this would hide my noble demeanor. How should I manage this feat?"
"Practice first. Try talking to a fern."
"Such a wealth of advice from you for 2,000 yen!"
"Consider it payment for coming up with a bizarrer situation than I imagined. Entertainment is worth something, after all."
* * *
As lunch period ends, and Ranma proceeds to the classroom, he is splashed from the side with a bucket's worth of cold water, as a small old man tries to glomp onto his relatively flat chest. While Ranma was hit unawares by the water, that was sufficient warning for him to drop under Happosai's glomp. Happosai winds up planting his face into the nearest wall.
"Ranma! You didn't change into a girl! Don't tell me you've finally found a cure!"
"That's right, now I'll never have to worry about your perversions again."
"Show some respect for your master!". Happosai lays into Ranma, spinning his pipe, and using it to strike at Ranma multiple times, but each strike misses as Ranma dodges. Finally Ranma punches him into the distance.
* * *
"Sasuke! I have instructions for you."
"Yes master?"
"Follow me around, but keep out of sight, and listen to my speach. If I break any of these rules, I want you to let me know without anyone noticing you."
"How shall I do that?"
"Zounds, man, have you no imagination? find an acorn or a rock, and hit me with it. This way I shall practice before confronting Akane. Now, here are the rules."
* * *
Happosai is sitting on the roof of the Tendou home thinking to himself. "So, Ranma found a cure. I leave for a few days, and look what happens. I must restore him to his beautiful body. But his father is still cursed! There must have only been enough of a cure for Ranma. All I have to do, is recurse him, and she'll be back in all her glory.
"Very well! I must sacrifice my time and energy for the greater good! Time for me to travel through China again. With any luck, I should be able to fill in any gaps in my collection. Some of the finest silks come from there, and some people still put care into handmaking their own clothes. I've been away from China too long. Wheee, ha ha ha." And with that, Happosai runs off into the west, bound for the mainland.
* * *
All but one of the Furinkan Kendo Club stood ready. They awaited their captain to begin their afternoon practice. This was one of the few clubs that managed to meet without an adult supervising it. The teacher in charge of monitoring it had developed a life-extending trait; He always had a valid reason not to be there. Something about being in the room with the delusional Kuno, and the students that followed him, all steeped in feudal values, all armed and armored. He'd had nightmares where one afternoon Kuno insisted on restoring the Shogunate. If they failed, He'd be responsible, if they succeeded, he didn't think Kuno'd make him emperor.
Interestingly, there was one other club without supervision. Nabiki's club named the principal as their advisor, and seeing as how rarely he was even in Japan... .
The doors swung open and in strode Kuno. "Here, for the grace of God go I *plink* ..." An acorn bounced off of his head, stopping him in mid stream. "Comrads, classmates, countrymen! Lend me your *plink* ..." Another acorn. "Truly are you to be considered blessed *plink* ... Good afternoon, let us begin." Kuno retrieves a bokuto as he has entered without weapon. *Boink* A fist sized rock caroms off of his pate. "I'm allowed to have a sword during practice, you half-witted manservant *plink* I mean't to call you Sasuke."
For the next hour there was relative peace, as Kuno was doing the one thing with which he was competent, holding a Kendo practice. Every time he opened his mouth though, another acorn made its way to the floor after impacting Kuno's skull. When they were done, it looked like someone had shaken an oak tree in there.
* * *
As Ranma leaves school for his, now usual, checkups, he's confronted by his father, who's human for a change. "Boy, I don't know what game you're playing, but if you keep this up, your mother will kill us. Be sensible, let's go on a training trip."
"I can't leave. If I did, I wouldn't be `taking responsibility for my actions, like a man should.' That IS what you keep telling me to do?"
"Don't you dare quote back to me! If you were really taking responsibility, you'd marry Akane!"
"How could I do that without my mother's consent? She's still digesting the number of times you engaged me. I must wait for her to decide what she thinks is best. That Is the course a dutiful son would follow, isn't it?"
"Boy, you're risking both our lives!"
"`The path of a true martial artist is frought with peril.' If you die at mom's hands, I'll always remember you fondly for the few worthwhile things you taught me."
"Don't even joke about that, son. If you don't leave with me voluntarily, Soun and I will force you to."
"I'm not running from mom again, and I will tell her anything I need to in order to prevent you from making me run, including her husband's current appearance."
"You wouldn't dare."
"You know me better than that. And don't even think of running away on your own. Pop, I swear, if you try to run out on us by yourself, within three years pandas will be extinct. we can always make new ones with field mice at Jusenkyou, and use the chisuhiton to lock their shape. The Saotomes will live or die by their actions here, but they will no longer run. You've taught me well, but if you make me your enemy, you'll wish you were dealing with Happosai instead. I don't have his weaknesses, and trying to exploit my fear of cats will only remove my inhibitions. Don't fight me on this one, pop."
"How can you continue this path, don't you realize what could happen."
"Let me see if I can sum up the worst possible case. Mom has me commit Seppuku a year before I'm due to go insane and wipe out half of Nerima as I die from heartfailure. Then you have to race to commit Seppuku before my fiancees, my mother, Soun Tendo, Happosai, and Cologne all race to kill you for revenge. Kodachi wouldn't kill you, she'll keep you drugged, alive, immoble, and in pain for years."
"That's not enough to convince you to leave?"
"Pop, for the last week I've known I'm likely to die soon, not taking risks in combat, but by taking my own life to avoid hurting others worse. I'm looking for a way out, but so help me, if you cross me on this, I can and will make the worst case scenario come true. If you want to live after I've died, you'll stay here, and help me in any way I need in order to resolve this."
* * *
Dinner at the Tendous that evening was an odd affair. Ranma showed none of the grumpiness he had exhibited that morning, but Soun seemed withdrawn. He had heard from Genma about Ranma's threat over the genocide of Pandas, but not the part about it being punishment if Genma ran away. Ranma seemed less easily influenced than ever before (not that any of Soun and Genma's plans had ever really worked). On top of that, Nodoka's presence both assured and frightened Soun over the prospect of uniting their families. Soun was more of a nervous wreck than usual.
So of course this was the perfect time for Ranma to comment "So, the letch returned today, does anyone know why he isn't here eating dinner?"
This gets Soun's attention like little else would. "Are you sure? Why didn't you tell us sooner?"
"I didn't see the point. I saw him at school, so I assumed he'd have returned here before I did."
Nabiki cuts in, "Ranma, are you sure you saw him? He didn't raid the girl's locker room, no one from school was groped, there haven't been any gangs of women out for vengeance in over a week."
"I punched him out of the school grounds. He caught me by surprise, I should have held onto him. He didn't seem mad enough to try one of his "Ranma you have to learn to respect your elders" revenge tricks; but if he isn't planning anything, hed be here for dinner."
Nodoka asks "Ranma, who are you calling the letch?"
"Oh, just Happosai. Our parents are a bit superstitious when it comes to saying his name, and I'm not about to call him Master. His two most comon titles besides those are grandpa and letch."
"You should call him Grandpa then, and show respect to your elders."
"Mom, he's mentally a spoiled six year old. If he didn't know martial arts, he'd be in an institution by now. Prison, mental hospital, old age home, or shotgun wedding."
"You have a point, lets discuss this again later. You said you defeated your father's master? Isn't that inusual?"
"Not really. He has too many weaknesses to ever focus on anything for long. I won this fight easilly because he underestimated me. Right now I'm faster than the last time we fought. I was bound to win this one. When he returns, it'll be tougher. He'll return with some trick that hasn't seen the light of day in scores of years, and he'll be ready for my new speed. At least I hope that's what will happen, it causes less confusion than when he gets someone new to attack me."
"Does this happen often?"
"Oh, no. Usually the letch, sorry, gramps and I keep a low level truce, but every now and then when I'm thwarting his attempts at perversion, he looses his temper. Once he used something that sapped all of my strength ... "
* * *
"... so I'd better prepare for his return. Please forgive me, mom, if you notice me carrying around a bra. It's the best defense against whatever surprise he comes up with."
"It better not be one of mine." Akane snaps.
"Don't worry, I'll use the one I've saved in my room for these occasions."
"Son, do you often carry around women's lingerie?"
"Only in order to win a fight, or when trying to get them back from Happosai when he's stealing them."
"Good. I was a bit worried by how easily you talked about it. I was afraid you might have picked up some bad habits. I guess it's inevitable that you'd have to handle them living with Happosai."
"Aunt Sautome, you don't know the half of it." smirked Akane.
* * *
Nabiki gets Nodoka alone to talk. "Mrs. Saotome, am I right in assuming you are planning to do something about Ranma's fiancee problem?"
"Yes. I can't let this situation continue. Something must be done to resolve this soon."
"Putting aside how you plan to clean up this mess, let's discuss how you plan to reveal your solution."
"What's wrong with just going around, and tewlling people?"
"Well if you plan to do it that way, the best I can manage, would be to take out a short term insurance policy on the house, and on our health. No matter who you back, there'll be a shift of power between the fiancees, which would result in a free-for-all involving a handful of martial artists capable of destroying a house inadvertently, and possibly another handful capable of altering even the topography of where the house was standing. The Amazons could make you forget Ranma was ever born. Ryouga tunnels through rock. Kodachi, Ukyou, and Mousse have used explosives."
"Well then, what should I do when I decide?"
"It depends in part on whom you decide on. Before you announce your decision, you'll have to defang everyone, or redirect their energies elsewhere. Everyone's first reaction will be to fight to change your opinion. If fighting wont gain them anything, their second reaction will be to fight anyway, because they'll be mad. If you can get past that, you're pretty safe, their third reaction is inevitably a combination of begging, bribing, threatening, plotting, and other non-violent dirty tricks."
"It seems that I'll have to plan my revelation with your help. As a guest, it behooves me to try to eliminate the chances of destroying the place."
"Well, Akane, you are stronger than most people. Perhaps you hugged him too hard in your sleep."
"Ranma, don't pretend you care about P-chan!"
"Hey, I've always treated him well when he wasn't sleeping with you, or biting me. You ought to make him a bed of his own. He's very independent. He'll sleep where he wants until he decides otherwise."
At this point, P-chan leaps from Akane's arms, and bites Ranma's arm. Ranma doesn't react. "Akane, you've got to discipline your pet." Nodoka scolds.
"He never attacks anyone but Ranma."
Ranma answers, "And that doesn't bother Akane at all. If I do anything to stop him, Akane will hit me. She likes to see her pet attack me, and then wonders why I don't like it."
"He only attacks because you pick on him!"
"He started attacking me the night you found him when I tried to give him a bath, and he's been attacking me ever since, even when I've rescued him for you. You spoil him and give him tacit approval for attacking me. I've given up on trying to discipline him."
"I do not approve of him attacking you!"
"He's still biting my arm. Are you planning on stopping him any time soon?"
"P-chan come here! Stop biting Ranma, and finish your breakfast."
"That's telling him, Akane. As punishment for attacking me, you're going to feed him by hand. That'll train him."
"Ranma, shut up!"
* * *
Ranma jumped to the side just as Shampoo's bike descended from above, missing him barely. "Nihao. You date Shampoo now, right?"
"Not now, Shampoo. I've no desire to date anyone, or watch anyone fight about me, Or argue with anyone about who I'll marry if I live longer than a year. Infact I have no desire to see anyone, and I'm damned if I'm going to spend today stuck in class. Akane, tell the teachers I'm not in school today because I'd feel guilty if I killed or maimed any them." And with that closing remark, he leaped for the roof and was gone.
Shampoo and Akane looked at each other, expressing their customary animosity, but with identical looks of worry overlaid on both their faces.
* * *
Ranma returned to school during lunch in much better spirits. Ukyou cornered him and asked where he'd been. "Oh, I just needed to relax. I went to the park, and then sat by the canal. I was so out of it, but I feel great now."
"Ranma Saotome!", Hinako-sensei walks up to him, "Where were you this morning!"
"Preventing incidental damage to the school grounds, as any student should!"
"Are you saying that there would have been violence here, and you were preventing it?"
"The likelihood of unnecessary fighting was much higher than average. If there were no fights, I can only assume I succeeded."
"OK, but try not to be absent again."
* * *
As Kuno strides across the campus grounds he says "Sasuke! I need some advice."
His humble ninja appears three steps behind him "Certainly, master. On what subject?"
"Not from you! I need advice on Ranma, but I don't know whom to ask. My sister maintains a delusional fascination over him, so she's too biased. Arguing with Nabiki is like sitting under a waterfall while your house is being robbed, arguably good for the soul, but decidedly unpleasant, and financially ruinous; there must be a better choice."
"How about Mousse, or Ryouga?"
"They are a boorish lot. I need someone with a fine sense of the niceties of our situation. Someone of surpassing awareness. Someone whose wisdom could rival my own in order to provide the answers I seek."
"The only ones you praise so highly are your two loves."
"Of course! Akane! She's perfect! I'll ask her at once!"
* * *
Ukyou and Ranma are talking between periods. "So, how was the meeting between your mother, and the gymnast voted `most likely to be non-consensually sedated'?"
"Mom's still in shock. She flips between disgust and pity. She said something about talking to the principal at St. Hebereke."
* * *
Kuno approaches Akane at high speeds. "Akane Tendou, you are perfect ..." unfortunately his sentence is interrupted by her punching him out of the window, out of school, and out of consciousness.
* * *
"Ucchan, I think I've hit my mom's limit on what she can accept all at once. We started with your accusations of my father. The next night mom watched Mousse and Shampoo change forms, followed by a night with Kodachi. Thank goodness we have a night of relative quiet. I want her relaxed before I tell her about my phobia."
"You've demonstrated everything else for your mother, are you planning on showing her its effect?"
"No. Cologne can't predict what the effect will be, what with the coin and all. She said something about not wanting to face a crazed martial artist who no one could subdue. I'm gonna rely on testimony"
"When do you plan to tell her?"
"When she's no longer freaked over magic, and my multiple fiancees."
* * *
As Kuno stirs back to consciousness, he says "Sasuke! I need some advice."
His humble ninja appears, kneeling at Kuno's head. "Certainly, master. Command, and I'll obey."
"Not from you! I need advice on how to approach Akane about Ranma. It seems my delicate lily, today has the temper of a tigress."
"You're mixing metaphors again. Ooof!" Sasuke collapses from the juxtapositioning of his head with Kuno's bokken.
"Right. Time to face the waterfall with equanimity. But first, the ATM machine."
"ATM machine is redundant, the M stands for machine. Ooof!" Sasuke collapses again.
* * *
"So, Ran-chan, what are you and Akane arguing over now?"
"This morning, when her pet bit me, instead of clobbering it I pointed out that Akane approves of her pet's actions."
"You think she wants it to bite you?"
"I know she doesn't mind it. I think she considers it normal. This morning I didn't feel like being clobbered. The only way to avoid it was to get to the root of the problem. Like when I got her to try her cooking yesterday. In both cases, the root of the problem was Akane, and when it was pointed out, she reacted poorly."
* * *
"Nabiki Tendo! I need your advice."
"2,000 yen."
"You're naming the price without knowing what I'm going to ask?"
"Kuno, the odds of you surprising me with your question is extremely low." Kuno hands over the money. "How can I help you?"
* * *
"Let me get this straight. You want me to give you advice on approaching Akane, in order to get advice from her about dealing with Ranma, in order to approach Ranma to develop a relationship with him to facilitate your suit with the pig-tailed girl. Congratulations, Kuno, I couldn't have predicted this one. I can give it to you simply, but I don't think you can follow my advice..."
"The great Tatewaki can do anything he sets his mind to!"
"This one I'd like to watch. I'll give you a list of things not to do. If you can avoid them, and stick to your planned conversation, you should be able to talk to Akane about Ranma as long as you want. If you compliment Akane, she'll deck you. Ditto if you ignore her for a moment, or slight her in any way. If you refer to your own superiority in any way at all, she'll deck you. If you insult any of her family, she'll deck you, however if you agree with her father engaging her to Ranma, she'll clobber you. If you complement or insult Ranma, there's a chance she'll deck you; avoid both to be safe. Don't approach her when she's mad at anyone else, especially if you intend to mention Ranma. Don't run. Don't carry a weapon, or flowers. Avoid all exesses, including those of humility. Avoid archaic constructs, and quotes or allusions from literature. In times of great importance, you can protect yourself by divesting yourself of anything that seperates you from the common herd. If you didn't dress like a Samurai, and made no reference to your change, she'd pay more attention. If you dressed like a religious penitent, she'd think you cracked, but if you dressed as an average student, you'd have her undivided attention for a while. Don't announce any grandious plans for the future. And finally, try not to discuss your sister."
"But this would hide my noble demeanor. How should I manage this feat?"
"Practice first. Try talking to a fern."
"Such a wealth of advice from you for 2,000 yen!"
"Consider it payment for coming up with a bizarrer situation than I imagined. Entertainment is worth something, after all."
* * *
As lunch period ends, and Ranma proceeds to the classroom, he is splashed from the side with a bucket's worth of cold water, as a small old man tries to glomp onto his relatively flat chest. While Ranma was hit unawares by the water, that was sufficient warning for him to drop under Happosai's glomp. Happosai winds up planting his face into the nearest wall.
"Ranma! You didn't change into a girl! Don't tell me you've finally found a cure!"
"That's right, now I'll never have to worry about your perversions again."
"Show some respect for your master!". Happosai lays into Ranma, spinning his pipe, and using it to strike at Ranma multiple times, but each strike misses as Ranma dodges. Finally Ranma punches him into the distance.
* * *
"Sasuke! I have instructions for you."
"Yes master?"
"Follow me around, but keep out of sight, and listen to my speach. If I break any of these rules, I want you to let me know without anyone noticing you."
"How shall I do that?"
"Zounds, man, have you no imagination? find an acorn or a rock, and hit me with it. This way I shall practice before confronting Akane. Now, here are the rules."
* * *
Happosai is sitting on the roof of the Tendou home thinking to himself. "So, Ranma found a cure. I leave for a few days, and look what happens. I must restore him to his beautiful body. But his father is still cursed! There must have only been enough of a cure for Ranma. All I have to do, is recurse him, and she'll be back in all her glory.
"Very well! I must sacrifice my time and energy for the greater good! Time for me to travel through China again. With any luck, I should be able to fill in any gaps in my collection. Some of the finest silks come from there, and some people still put care into handmaking their own clothes. I've been away from China too long. Wheee, ha ha ha." And with that, Happosai runs off into the west, bound for the mainland.
* * *
All but one of the Furinkan Kendo Club stood ready. They awaited their captain to begin their afternoon practice. This was one of the few clubs that managed to meet without an adult supervising it. The teacher in charge of monitoring it had developed a life-extending trait; He always had a valid reason not to be there. Something about being in the room with the delusional Kuno, and the students that followed him, all steeped in feudal values, all armed and armored. He'd had nightmares where one afternoon Kuno insisted on restoring the Shogunate. If they failed, He'd be responsible, if they succeeded, he didn't think Kuno'd make him emperor.
Interestingly, there was one other club without supervision. Nabiki's club named the principal as their advisor, and seeing as how rarely he was even in Japan... .
The doors swung open and in strode Kuno. "Here, for the grace of God go I *plink* ..." An acorn bounced off of his head, stopping him in mid stream. "Comrads, classmates, countrymen! Lend me your *plink* ..." Another acorn. "Truly are you to be considered blessed *plink* ... Good afternoon, let us begin." Kuno retrieves a bokuto as he has entered without weapon. *Boink* A fist sized rock caroms off of his pate. "I'm allowed to have a sword during practice, you half-witted manservant *plink* I mean't to call you Sasuke."
For the next hour there was relative peace, as Kuno was doing the one thing with which he was competent, holding a Kendo practice. Every time he opened his mouth though, another acorn made its way to the floor after impacting Kuno's skull. When they were done, it looked like someone had shaken an oak tree in there.
* * *
As Ranma leaves school for his, now usual, checkups, he's confronted by his father, who's human for a change. "Boy, I don't know what game you're playing, but if you keep this up, your mother will kill us. Be sensible, let's go on a training trip."
"I can't leave. If I did, I wouldn't be `taking responsibility for my actions, like a man should.' That IS what you keep telling me to do?"
"Don't you dare quote back to me! If you were really taking responsibility, you'd marry Akane!"
"How could I do that without my mother's consent? She's still digesting the number of times you engaged me. I must wait for her to decide what she thinks is best. That Is the course a dutiful son would follow, isn't it?"
"Boy, you're risking both our lives!"
"`The path of a true martial artist is frought with peril.' If you die at mom's hands, I'll always remember you fondly for the few worthwhile things you taught me."
"Don't even joke about that, son. If you don't leave with me voluntarily, Soun and I will force you to."
"I'm not running from mom again, and I will tell her anything I need to in order to prevent you from making me run, including her husband's current appearance."
"You wouldn't dare."
"You know me better than that. And don't even think of running away on your own. Pop, I swear, if you try to run out on us by yourself, within three years pandas will be extinct. we can always make new ones with field mice at Jusenkyou, and use the chisuhiton to lock their shape. The Saotomes will live or die by their actions here, but they will no longer run. You've taught me well, but if you make me your enemy, you'll wish you were dealing with Happosai instead. I don't have his weaknesses, and trying to exploit my fear of cats will only remove my inhibitions. Don't fight me on this one, pop."
"How can you continue this path, don't you realize what could happen."
"Let me see if I can sum up the worst possible case. Mom has me commit Seppuku a year before I'm due to go insane and wipe out half of Nerima as I die from heartfailure. Then you have to race to commit Seppuku before my fiancees, my mother, Soun Tendo, Happosai, and Cologne all race to kill you for revenge. Kodachi wouldn't kill you, she'll keep you drugged, alive, immoble, and in pain for years."
"That's not enough to convince you to leave?"
"Pop, for the last week I've known I'm likely to die soon, not taking risks in combat, but by taking my own life to avoid hurting others worse. I'm looking for a way out, but so help me, if you cross me on this, I can and will make the worst case scenario come true. If you want to live after I've died, you'll stay here, and help me in any way I need in order to resolve this."
* * *
Dinner at the Tendous that evening was an odd affair. Ranma showed none of the grumpiness he had exhibited that morning, but Soun seemed withdrawn. He had heard from Genma about Ranma's threat over the genocide of Pandas, but not the part about it being punishment if Genma ran away. Ranma seemed less easily influenced than ever before (not that any of Soun and Genma's plans had ever really worked). On top of that, Nodoka's presence both assured and frightened Soun over the prospect of uniting their families. Soun was more of a nervous wreck than usual.
So of course this was the perfect time for Ranma to comment "So, the letch returned today, does anyone know why he isn't here eating dinner?"
This gets Soun's attention like little else would. "Are you sure? Why didn't you tell us sooner?"
"I didn't see the point. I saw him at school, so I assumed he'd have returned here before I did."
Nabiki cuts in, "Ranma, are you sure you saw him? He didn't raid the girl's locker room, no one from school was groped, there haven't been any gangs of women out for vengeance in over a week."
"I punched him out of the school grounds. He caught me by surprise, I should have held onto him. He didn't seem mad enough to try one of his "Ranma you have to learn to respect your elders" revenge tricks; but if he isn't planning anything, hed be here for dinner."
Nodoka asks "Ranma, who are you calling the letch?"
"Oh, just Happosai. Our parents are a bit superstitious when it comes to saying his name, and I'm not about to call him Master. His two most comon titles besides those are grandpa and letch."
"You should call him Grandpa then, and show respect to your elders."
"Mom, he's mentally a spoiled six year old. If he didn't know martial arts, he'd be in an institution by now. Prison, mental hospital, old age home, or shotgun wedding."
"You have a point, lets discuss this again later. You said you defeated your father's master? Isn't that inusual?"
"Not really. He has too many weaknesses to ever focus on anything for long. I won this fight easilly because he underestimated me. Right now I'm faster than the last time we fought. I was bound to win this one. When he returns, it'll be tougher. He'll return with some trick that hasn't seen the light of day in scores of years, and he'll be ready for my new speed. At least I hope that's what will happen, it causes less confusion than when he gets someone new to attack me."
"Does this happen often?"
"Oh, no. Usually the letch, sorry, gramps and I keep a low level truce, but every now and then when I'm thwarting his attempts at perversion, he looses his temper. Once he used something that sapped all of my strength ... "
* * *
"... so I'd better prepare for his return. Please forgive me, mom, if you notice me carrying around a bra. It's the best defense against whatever surprise he comes up with."
"It better not be one of mine." Akane snaps.
"Don't worry, I'll use the one I've saved in my room for these occasions."
"Son, do you often carry around women's lingerie?"
"Only in order to win a fight, or when trying to get them back from Happosai when he's stealing them."
"Good. I was a bit worried by how easily you talked about it. I was afraid you might have picked up some bad habits. I guess it's inevitable that you'd have to handle them living with Happosai."
"Aunt Sautome, you don't know the half of it." smirked Akane.
* * *
Nabiki gets Nodoka alone to talk. "Mrs. Saotome, am I right in assuming you are planning to do something about Ranma's fiancee problem?"
"Yes. I can't let this situation continue. Something must be done to resolve this soon."
"Putting aside how you plan to clean up this mess, let's discuss how you plan to reveal your solution."
"What's wrong with just going around, and tewlling people?"
"Well if you plan to do it that way, the best I can manage, would be to take out a short term insurance policy on the house, and on our health. No matter who you back, there'll be a shift of power between the fiancees, which would result in a free-for-all involving a handful of martial artists capable of destroying a house inadvertently, and possibly another handful capable of altering even the topography of where the house was standing. The Amazons could make you forget Ranma was ever born. Ryouga tunnels through rock. Kodachi, Ukyou, and Mousse have used explosives."
"Well then, what should I do when I decide?"
"It depends in part on whom you decide on. Before you announce your decision, you'll have to defang everyone, or redirect their energies elsewhere. Everyone's first reaction will be to fight to change your opinion. If fighting wont gain them anything, their second reaction will be to fight anyway, because they'll be mad. If you can get past that, you're pretty safe, their third reaction is inevitably a combination of begging, bribing, threatening, plotting, and other non-violent dirty tricks."
"It seems that I'll have to plan my revelation with your help. As a guest, it behooves me to try to eliminate the chances of destroying the place."