Wednesday morning comes, and Ranma is up, well before breakfast. Instead of martial arts, he's studying a phone directory, and taking notes for later.
Akane comes downstairs dressed for school, and stares at Ranma. "I never thought I'd see you this active, this early, without fighting someone."
"I've got some errads to run after school, so I'm collecting the information I'll need now."
"Hmph. Since you never wear a school uniform, you don't have to come home to change, unlike the rest of us."
"Good thing too, between this and the 2 daily checkups, I've got a full afternoon."
"What are you upto now, Ranma?"
"Oh, just some suggestions from Nabiki, Cologne, and Mousse."
"What would those three agree on?"
"You'd be surprised what three people adept at hiding their actions can accomplish."
* * *
Nodoka walks into the kitchen, where Kasumi is washing the breakfast dishes. "Kasumi, I've errands to run that will probably take me all day. I have a meeting with a lawyer, that might have the key to resolving Ranma's fiancee problems."
"Good Luck"
Soun overhears this, and drags Genma-panda behind the dojo to talk (or, at least, communicate, as Genma is limited to signs) "Genma, Is this a good or a bad sign? She's getting help from people who care nothing for our efforts and plans."
"Lawyers will support the strongest case. Joining the families together came first."
"True, but why bring in an outsider?"
"Maybe she's appealing to a higher authority, to convince the stubborn fools who wont give up otherwise?"
"How right you are; that must be it. The others are so stubborn and unreasonable. How smart of Nodoka to find a higher authority to back her choice!"
Genma signs "Why didn't we think of that?"
"Because if we went to the courts, your wife would have found you."
"Oh yes. We could have asked the master to back us."
"I did once. He insisted on a promise that we allow him to grope the wedding party for good luck."
"Ranma would have defended them."
"He also wanted to grope him, said he had his wedding bra already picked out."
"It could be worse."
"He also insisted on being allowed to name the first born."
"So?"
"I will NOT have my first grandchild named after a piece of women's undergarment!"
"Ok, Ok."
"Are you sure your wife will support the joining of our families?"
"She always has before."
"She didn't know about the others."
"Don't worry. She likes Akane."
"You're right, old friend. You're right."
* * *
Ranma and Akane arrive to class, just before the bell rings, leaving no time to talk. Ranma pulls out a 100 yen coin, and starts fiddling with it. This was made more difficult due to the coin stuck to his hand, that was the cause of all of the problems he'd been facing recently, but he was overcoming this slight handicap.
Having something to do with his hands makes it easier to stay alert in the otherwise boring class. After a while, the Teacher notices Ranma's unusual behavior, but when he asks Ranma a question, Ranma manages to answer correctly. The teacher decides to overlook the mild disturbance, as it seems Ranma is actually paying more attention in class distracted than he usually did when asleep.
After the morning is half over, his clumsy manipulations were becoming more fluid, and he was working on trying both hands at once, when he stopped, as he got an idea. He pulled out a piece of paper, and started writing, occasionally making corrections. After proofing it, he copied it over onto a fresh sheet, and started another. By lunchtime he had finished 3 sheets.
* * *
The judge writes a few words at the bottom of a page, and then stamps it with his Hanpo. "Alright Mrs. Saotome, I've approved it provisionally. If your husband wants to oppose this, he has one year, or two weeks from when a solicitor can serve him an official notice, whichever comes first. In that case I'd have to see both of you together to hear both sides. After that period, the only was to oppose this would be if he could prove ignorance of this, so you'd be well advised to use this openly. Barring that, you're all set. Take these papers to the clerk in the outer office. He'll file them, and write up the official papers."
"Thank you, your honor. What should I do when I find my husband?"
"The clerk will give you a number, and information on how to present him the information, so that both he and the court know when the 2 week period expires."
"Thank you again."
* * *
The teacher of Nabiki's class gave Nabiki and Kuno more leeway than other students. He had some measure of respect for Nabiki, due to her academic intelligence, her ability to attract followers (even if it was at the expense of having friends), and the ability to play Kuno like a fiddle. She was obviously the instigator of alot of the confusion at Furinken, but never in a directly blameable manner. Perhapse, he sometimes thought, he should come down hard on her. She's an obvious troublemaker, and non-conformist; but the teacher always had a nagging feeling that he wasn't fully capable of succeeding, so he always allows her to continue her excentricities, unless something forced him to take action.
Kuno, on the other hand, was a wholy different situation. The teacher knew he was delusional, and had decided it was better to ignore him whenever possible. Anything else brought back that annoying migrane.
For these two reasons, they were probably the only people in the class who could openly pass notes in class. Other students did it, and the teacher sometimes ignored it when he saw it. But Nabiki, Kuno, and the teacher maintained a level of honesty between them. Nabiki and Kuno didn't try to conceal their note passing, and the entire class knew he saw it. He just didn't think his teaching was going to waste if either the idiot or the brain wasn't paying attention.
Today, Kuno was swathed in bandages, and reeked of some ointment. Only his head was uncovered, and it sported a rash on the underside of his nose, and a decidedly odd lack of hair.
Nabiki started the conversation off with a note to Kuno. "I must say I was surprised seeing you running through the halls like that, yesterday."
"I was attempting to learn despair, when the rest of my family tainted my noble actions." Kuno replied, using passable caligraphy.
Nabiki's second note started "I never would have guessed. It looked to me like ...". Kuno read the rest of the note while his eyes got wider. Finally Kuno stood up and shouted at Nabiki. "I was not displaying my masochistic tendencies and bondage fettish with my manservant in public, in order to cement our bonds of love!"
This was a bit much for the teacher to ignore. "Kuno, stand in the hall."
Within five minutes of class ending, the entire school was gossipping.
* * *
"Kuno gets sexual pleasure from having men beat him up."
"Do you think Ranma is his lover too?"
"Kuno has to hire servants for kinky sex acts."
"Whenever he was defeated by Akane or Ranma, he orgasmed?"
"I thought he wanted Hinako-sensei, too."
"I guess he likes being drained too."
"I always knew Kuno was after Ranma's male side. He's always picking fights he can't hope to win."
"Do you think Akane knew about Kuno's masochism?"
"Nah, she beats up all men equally."
"Kuno was using Akane for cheap thrills?"
"I thought Kuno only liked men. He never tried to date a girl who might possibly like him."
"I think it's really brave of him to publically profess his forbidden love of his servant."
"It's not love, Kuno has to pay for it. Kuno loves only himself."
"I wonder if Otome-kun would like it if I tied him up and whipped him?"
"You think Hinako-sensei is into that? She'd look so hot in leather."
"All that bokken-waving he does, it's just so Freudian."
"Kuno is the sex-slave of the Kendo club."
"So if a guy is always swinging a large phalic object, he might be overcompensating for a small... you know."
"It doesn't matter how small it is, everyong knows Kuno is impotent."
* * *
During lunch, Ranma went to Nabiki's classroom, completely avoiding Kuno, who had more than enough problems of his own. he was carrying the three sheets of paper with him. "Hey Nabiki, I've an idea for a little insurance against the older martial artists in Anything Goes. I'd like your advice, and financing if you think it'll work, and I'll split it with you. If you don't like it, we won't do it."
"Ok, Ranma, what are you up to now?"
"Well, I made up a number of leaflets, one for each of them. I thought we'd print up a thousand each, and threaten to send them. We'd need a list of all of the major shrines and dojos in Japan, but I figure they've gotta be registered with the government someway, and that means you could dig up a list, I'm sure. Anyway, we don't have to hit them all, just alot. I was just picturing the look on my father's face, if I walked in with a hundred copies of his page, and let him see them. Here, read it yourself."
Nabiki reads, chuckling at parts. "You want these as backup? Why not send out Happi's right away?"
"Well, Happi's negates Soun's. Besides, Cologne has been drilling it into my head that you have to plan out when you want to fight as much as how. I want Happi's to hit him with the equivalent of a slap at the best moment, rather than a low grade annoyance."
"OK, it's a deal. As long as I can fine tune the wording a bit. I'll make a thousand copies of each, that's a ream of paper for each of us. I can hide most of yours from our parents until you need it, and give you 100 each to make your point to them. Also, I want to see your father's face when he reads it the first time."
"Great. How long will you need?"
"I can have the fliers an hour after school lets out. An impressive list of addresses by tomorrow for bluffing our parents. I can have a good enough list by next week, and a work of art list by the end of the month."
"That'll work fine. I'm going to call those electronics stores and photo shops and get a price on that strobe light. See you later."
* * *
Cologne was examining Ranma, when Ranma said "What I don't understand is why you allow all of this confusion. If your goal isn't really to get me married to shampoo, but to train Shampoo, why do it here, instead of in your village?"
Cologne chuckles. "One of my goals. A main goal, but still only one of my goals. The answer lies in the way knowledge is passed. All of you teenaged martial artists are strong willed, but that's a disadvantage as well as an advantage. lets say that your father came across another spring on his way from Jhusenkyo to here. The spring is magical, but only works on people under 30 years old. Your father decides that it would make you a better martial artist, so he tries to throw you in, even though no one really knows what it will do. Would you let him?"
"Of course not."
"Your father would hound you to jump in. He'll try to trick you into it."
"I can resist anything he throws at me."
"So you'd never jump in?"
"Of course not."
"Even if you learned that some tribe, like the Musk dynasty used it to gain power?"
"Of course not. They used the spring of drowned girl. No way I'd jump into it voluntarily."
"But this spring is different."
"Still I wouldn't jump in."
"But what if your father was right?"
"My father's an idiot."
"Even an idiot can guess a coin toss correctly half of the time. Who's the bigger fool, the idiot? Or the man who'd jump off of a cliff if the idiot told him not to? You should ignore idiots, not fight them. Fighting them is just stubbornness. Never butt heads with a mountain goat."
"Ok, but what does this have to do with teaching?"
"If I told you that I knew you'd be happier if you married Shampoo immediately, would you do it? Even if I could show you all of the possibilities? You wont take my advice unless you want it. The older people learned from their youthful mistakes, and wish to pass on their advice, but the young ignore it, and repeat the mistakes. The only way to teach the stubborn is to put them in a situation where they want your advice. I could tell you in one sentence how to become twice the martial artist you are, and you'd laugh and ignore it."
"Try me."
"OK, let me use the memory erasing shampoo to lock away your martial arts skill for a year."
"Are you crazy? How would that help?"
"You rely too much on your skill, and ignore other strengths. Akane concentrates on her physical strength, and she did well for years until she found opponents she couldn't hit. You're still doing well, but there will be battles that you can't fight, and you aren't training for those. You improvise well when you have to, but you don't practice it. Lets use an exagerated analogy. Pretend there were a spring of drowned martial arts god, and whatever fell in got the body and skills of an invincible martial artist. Pretend I dropped a puppy in it. You couldn't outfight it, but Nabiki could get it to do whatever she wanted. That shows she has a skill that allows her to win when you couldn't. Since the puppy loves me, I can get it to do whatever I want. Is it a noble martial artist? No, it's a weapon, a catspaw. Become the best fighter, but you're badly ignoring other things you need to learn, and I'm not talking about schoolwork. Akane can destroy bricks and wood. You can defeat nearly anyone. But neither of you know how to get what you want. Using that as a measure, Nabiki and Kasumi are way ahead of you."
"I told Akane that Kasumi had the perfect martial arts defence, but that was meant as a joke."
"Her's is far from perfect, but she gets hit less often than you do inspite of your dodging and blocking."
"So what do you reccommend? Besides loosing my martial arts for a year?"
"Read a book on strategy. It doesn't matter if it's by Sun Tzu or Napoleon. Also read about how the non-fighters outsmart or outflank their opponents. Any time you let your opponent force you to fight, even if you win, you've lost somewhat, because he was able to force your hand. Figure out how to beat an opponent stronger than you, and leave the weaker ones alone. Learn where to use the smallest force in the right place to achieve your objectives. When you meet more powerful enemies, you'll need every advantage. And that's one way of measuring your strength.
* * *
As Ranma arrives home, his mother calls him aside. "Son, is there anything you want me to know while forming my decision about your engagements?"
"No, mom. There are about 2 more major surprises left, but neither of them really affect the engagement issue."
"Well then, I'll have an answer soon. When do you want to tell everyone."
"Tell them all at the same time? They'll riot!"
"If we tell them one at a time, there'll be a huge misunderstanding. Don't worry about a riot; Nabiki will be helping me with crowd control."
"Ok mom. How about Saturday? That way people will stop asking me about who I'll date then. Does Nabiki know who it'll be?"
Nodoka laughs, "Son, I don't know yet who it'll be."
* * *
Shortly thereafter, Ranma's father, in panda form, drags Ranma behind the dojo where he can transform and talk without Nodoka seeing him. "Son, tonight you are going to impress your mother with how manly you are."
"And how did you expect me to do that?"
"Why, by taking Akane out on a date, of course."
"I thought I told you to stop making plans for me like that!"
"Insolent boy! You'll obey your father! Oh how sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful son."
"Why, I ought to ... Hmm. Pop, I'll be right back. Nabiki and I have something that I think will change your mind. Wait here, I'll get them."
* * *
"So, son, what do you have that could change my mind on this?"
"Oh, just these fliers. We've got hundreds more. We're thinking on sending one to every shrine and dojo in Japan."
"Let me see that, son." As Genma read his face became pale. Nabiki got several excellent snapshots of his expression, all the better to preserve the memory. Genma fearfully said, "You wouldn't send this? You wouldn't dare. It isn't true."
"It isn't, but it could be. If you push me I'll make it true, and there wont be anywhere safe for you to live. It doesn't even have to be true to work."
"You dare threaten your own father?"
"Oh yes. It's a tradition of the Anything goes school, after all. Happosai threatens you; Soun threatens you; even Akane threatens you. I just figured I should uphold the tradition. We are a traditional family, after all."
"You can't send this. It might kill me."
"I'm spending tonight at home, and you will agree, wont you?"
"We'll see."
* * *
Genma's flier read as follows:
"To whom it may concern.
"The Martial Artist known as Genma Saotome has been disowned from his family for numerous thefts. He has made numerous promises that he has no intention of repaying, and has stole numerous items ranging from food to people's livelihoods, and is not above stealing sacred items. He has travelled the country with his son Ranma Saotome, who is now tracking him down in order to make this ronin take responsibility for his actions.
"He has previously trained with the martial arts master Happosai, a small ancient pervert, that is probably responsible for half of the thefts in Japan of women's undergarments. Genma has aided this man and may be considered his partner. If you see him, or if you have been wronged by him and want revenge, please contact the Saotome family, as they are coordinating the search.
"He has been known to disguise himself as a panda, and uses this disguise to make his escapes. However hot water will cause the costume to fall apart. Be forewarned, he can don this costume at an astonishing speed, and it is very realistic. If you see a panda, walking around, we'd appreciate it if you would notify us."
* * *
After a short conference, Genma convinces Soun to confront Nabiki about helping Ranma avoid a date with Akane. "Nabiki, I must ask you to stop helping Ranma. He's using your help to keep from marrying Akane."
"I'm sorry, daddy. I want to continue as I am doing."
"I'm afraid I must insist!"
"But you can't insist anymore. Remember that duel of honor you had that made Kasumi the head of the household?"
"I'm still your father. You will stop out of respect for that."
Nabiki smirks. "Ok, father. If you are sure that that is what you want, I'll do it out of respect for you. But I really think I can convince you that you don't want to insist. Has Genma outlined Ranma's proposed plan of papering Japan with fliers?"
"Yes he has, and I want you to stop him."
"If you insist. But if you insist, I'll send out my own flier. Here, read this."
As Soun reads, he bursts into tears. "My own daughter! How could you do this?"
"It's quite easy, actually. I guarantee success. It has the benefit of being entirely true, even if it is somewhat misleading. I assume you won't insist that I avoid helping my possible future brother-in-law as I see fit, right?"
As Nabiki walks away, Soun cries a small river.
Soun's flier read as follows:
"To whom it may concern.
"The Martial Artist known as Soun Tendo has been hiding and supporting the martial arts master Happosai.
"Happosai is known to have stolen many antiques, especially those of a sacred, or magical history. He is also responsible for the rash of underware thefts that have been occuring for several months now. However he has never been caught, due to his speed at escape.
"Soun Tendo started out as this pervert's disciple, hoping to learn his master's skills. Now he is Happosai's partner, supplying him with free room and board at the Tendo Dojo in Nerima. In addition he helps Happosai to store his thousands of stolen goods there. He has on several occasions prevented Happosai's detection or capture, and has been known to go on raids with him.
"He is also trying to force the underage female members of his family into sexual relations with a stranger for monetary benefits, and permits his partner Happosai to fondle his daughters whenever he wishes. His family has tried to cover up his shameful behavior, but have been unable to prevent it."
* * *
Soun goes crying to Kasumi. "Kasumi! You have to talk to Nabiki! She's threatening to ruin me." If it weren't for all of his tears, perhapse Kasumi would have heard her father's side of the story. Instead she goes to Nabiki to ask her what happenned.
Nabiki told her "He and Genma were trying to force Ranma and Akane out on a date. I think that things like that should be inspired out of love between the two people involved, so I helped Ranma out of their stupid plan. Then he tells me I shouldn't help our future brother-in-law out like that. Ranma's practically family, but daddy kept pushing me. I finally said if he pushed me I'd stop lying to the public for him. That's when he started crying that I was going to ruin him."
"Is all that true?"
"Yes, every word."
"You did the right thing. I'll go talk to Daddy about this." Kasumi returns to the kitchen to find a hopeful Soun. "Is it true that this started as another attempt to force Ranma and Akane on a date?"
"Well, yes, but that's not the most important part."
"You were angry because she helped Ranma decide for himself who he dates, weren't you?"
"Well, yes, but..."
"Nabiki did the right thing. I'm afraid you're in the wrong on this one. I don't think you need to apologize to Nabiki as she seems content with the situation as it is, but you probably owe Ranma an apology. I'll leave it to you to decide if it's necessary."
This, of course, sets off another soun Tendo crying fest.
* * *
Happosai's flier read as follows:
"To whom it may concern.
"The Martial Artist known as Happosai has been hiding at the Tendo Dojo in Nerima, by terrorizing the family to comply with his depraived will.
"Happosai is known to have stolen many antiques, especially those of a sacred, or magical history. He has also been stealing food, invading women's baths, and he is also responsible for the rash of underware thefts that have been occuring for several months now.
"Do not believe a word he says. For he tries to shift the blame of his actions on anyone who is handy. However he can always be distracted by a bra or female cleavage. Ranma Saotome has been able to slow him down, and foil many of his plans, but never for long. He will aid you, should you ask him, in defeating the monster.
"Happosai is also responsible for the giant goblin that terrorized the area at the time that his local raids started, as well as being responsible for alot of the property damage in the Nerima area.
"Happosai regularly fondles all of the young women in the area, and raids the girls locker rooms in highschools on a regular basis. As he is a grand master martial artist, no one has been able to stop him for long. So far, no one has reported becoming pregnant due to him.
"If you have any grievance, he often returns to the Tendo Home, where he has the patriarch cowed into obesiance. Feel free to stake out the area in order to get a chance at him. Please have mercy on his victims who live in the area.
* * *
Happosai finally arrives at Jhusenkyo. "Ok, now. How do I make sure I can recurse Ranma? He ruins my best plans. I don't want to have to remake this trip again. How much water do I need? One cask or bucket should be enough if everything works according to plan. 2 casks? is one backup enough? How much could I get back to Japan? There's no real limit. Send it by several different routes so some will definitely succeed. Maybe I'm thinking too small. How would I deliver water to all of the males at his school? Double the number of young beauties in one shot. I wonder how much water the school's sprinkler system could hold ... "
Akane comes downstairs dressed for school, and stares at Ranma. "I never thought I'd see you this active, this early, without fighting someone."
"I've got some errads to run after school, so I'm collecting the information I'll need now."
"Hmph. Since you never wear a school uniform, you don't have to come home to change, unlike the rest of us."
"Good thing too, between this and the 2 daily checkups, I've got a full afternoon."
"What are you upto now, Ranma?"
"Oh, just some suggestions from Nabiki, Cologne, and Mousse."
"What would those three agree on?"
"You'd be surprised what three people adept at hiding their actions can accomplish."
* * *
Nodoka walks into the kitchen, where Kasumi is washing the breakfast dishes. "Kasumi, I've errands to run that will probably take me all day. I have a meeting with a lawyer, that might have the key to resolving Ranma's fiancee problems."
"Good Luck"
Soun overhears this, and drags Genma-panda behind the dojo to talk (or, at least, communicate, as Genma is limited to signs) "Genma, Is this a good or a bad sign? She's getting help from people who care nothing for our efforts and plans."
"Lawyers will support the strongest case. Joining the families together came first."
"True, but why bring in an outsider?"
"Maybe she's appealing to a higher authority, to convince the stubborn fools who wont give up otherwise?"
"How right you are; that must be it. The others are so stubborn and unreasonable. How smart of Nodoka to find a higher authority to back her choice!"
Genma signs "Why didn't we think of that?"
"Because if we went to the courts, your wife would have found you."
"Oh yes. We could have asked the master to back us."
"I did once. He insisted on a promise that we allow him to grope the wedding party for good luck."
"Ranma would have defended them."
"He also wanted to grope him, said he had his wedding bra already picked out."
"It could be worse."
"He also insisted on being allowed to name the first born."
"So?"
"I will NOT have my first grandchild named after a piece of women's undergarment!"
"Ok, Ok."
"Are you sure your wife will support the joining of our families?"
"She always has before."
"She didn't know about the others."
"Don't worry. She likes Akane."
"You're right, old friend. You're right."
* * *
Ranma and Akane arrive to class, just before the bell rings, leaving no time to talk. Ranma pulls out a 100 yen coin, and starts fiddling with it. This was made more difficult due to the coin stuck to his hand, that was the cause of all of the problems he'd been facing recently, but he was overcoming this slight handicap.
Having something to do with his hands makes it easier to stay alert in the otherwise boring class. After a while, the Teacher notices Ranma's unusual behavior, but when he asks Ranma a question, Ranma manages to answer correctly. The teacher decides to overlook the mild disturbance, as it seems Ranma is actually paying more attention in class distracted than he usually did when asleep.
After the morning is half over, his clumsy manipulations were becoming more fluid, and he was working on trying both hands at once, when he stopped, as he got an idea. He pulled out a piece of paper, and started writing, occasionally making corrections. After proofing it, he copied it over onto a fresh sheet, and started another. By lunchtime he had finished 3 sheets.
* * *
The judge writes a few words at the bottom of a page, and then stamps it with his Hanpo. "Alright Mrs. Saotome, I've approved it provisionally. If your husband wants to oppose this, he has one year, or two weeks from when a solicitor can serve him an official notice, whichever comes first. In that case I'd have to see both of you together to hear both sides. After that period, the only was to oppose this would be if he could prove ignorance of this, so you'd be well advised to use this openly. Barring that, you're all set. Take these papers to the clerk in the outer office. He'll file them, and write up the official papers."
"Thank you, your honor. What should I do when I find my husband?"
"The clerk will give you a number, and information on how to present him the information, so that both he and the court know when the 2 week period expires."
"Thank you again."
* * *
The teacher of Nabiki's class gave Nabiki and Kuno more leeway than other students. He had some measure of respect for Nabiki, due to her academic intelligence, her ability to attract followers (even if it was at the expense of having friends), and the ability to play Kuno like a fiddle. She was obviously the instigator of alot of the confusion at Furinken, but never in a directly blameable manner. Perhapse, he sometimes thought, he should come down hard on her. She's an obvious troublemaker, and non-conformist; but the teacher always had a nagging feeling that he wasn't fully capable of succeeding, so he always allows her to continue her excentricities, unless something forced him to take action.
Kuno, on the other hand, was a wholy different situation. The teacher knew he was delusional, and had decided it was better to ignore him whenever possible. Anything else brought back that annoying migrane.
For these two reasons, they were probably the only people in the class who could openly pass notes in class. Other students did it, and the teacher sometimes ignored it when he saw it. But Nabiki, Kuno, and the teacher maintained a level of honesty between them. Nabiki and Kuno didn't try to conceal their note passing, and the entire class knew he saw it. He just didn't think his teaching was going to waste if either the idiot or the brain wasn't paying attention.
Today, Kuno was swathed in bandages, and reeked of some ointment. Only his head was uncovered, and it sported a rash on the underside of his nose, and a decidedly odd lack of hair.
Nabiki started the conversation off with a note to Kuno. "I must say I was surprised seeing you running through the halls like that, yesterday."
"I was attempting to learn despair, when the rest of my family tainted my noble actions." Kuno replied, using passable caligraphy.
Nabiki's second note started "I never would have guessed. It looked to me like ...". Kuno read the rest of the note while his eyes got wider. Finally Kuno stood up and shouted at Nabiki. "I was not displaying my masochistic tendencies and bondage fettish with my manservant in public, in order to cement our bonds of love!"
This was a bit much for the teacher to ignore. "Kuno, stand in the hall."
Within five minutes of class ending, the entire school was gossipping.
* * *
"Kuno gets sexual pleasure from having men beat him up."
"Do you think Ranma is his lover too?"
"Kuno has to hire servants for kinky sex acts."
"Whenever he was defeated by Akane or Ranma, he orgasmed?"
"I thought he wanted Hinako-sensei, too."
"I guess he likes being drained too."
"I always knew Kuno was after Ranma's male side. He's always picking fights he can't hope to win."
"Do you think Akane knew about Kuno's masochism?"
"Nah, she beats up all men equally."
"Kuno was using Akane for cheap thrills?"
"I thought Kuno only liked men. He never tried to date a girl who might possibly like him."
"I think it's really brave of him to publically profess his forbidden love of his servant."
"It's not love, Kuno has to pay for it. Kuno loves only himself."
"I wonder if Otome-kun would like it if I tied him up and whipped him?"
"You think Hinako-sensei is into that? She'd look so hot in leather."
"All that bokken-waving he does, it's just so Freudian."
"Kuno is the sex-slave of the Kendo club."
"So if a guy is always swinging a large phalic object, he might be overcompensating for a small... you know."
"It doesn't matter how small it is, everyong knows Kuno is impotent."
* * *
During lunch, Ranma went to Nabiki's classroom, completely avoiding Kuno, who had more than enough problems of his own. he was carrying the three sheets of paper with him. "Hey Nabiki, I've an idea for a little insurance against the older martial artists in Anything Goes. I'd like your advice, and financing if you think it'll work, and I'll split it with you. If you don't like it, we won't do it."
"Ok, Ranma, what are you up to now?"
"Well, I made up a number of leaflets, one for each of them. I thought we'd print up a thousand each, and threaten to send them. We'd need a list of all of the major shrines and dojos in Japan, but I figure they've gotta be registered with the government someway, and that means you could dig up a list, I'm sure. Anyway, we don't have to hit them all, just alot. I was just picturing the look on my father's face, if I walked in with a hundred copies of his page, and let him see them. Here, read it yourself."
Nabiki reads, chuckling at parts. "You want these as backup? Why not send out Happi's right away?"
"Well, Happi's negates Soun's. Besides, Cologne has been drilling it into my head that you have to plan out when you want to fight as much as how. I want Happi's to hit him with the equivalent of a slap at the best moment, rather than a low grade annoyance."
"OK, it's a deal. As long as I can fine tune the wording a bit. I'll make a thousand copies of each, that's a ream of paper for each of us. I can hide most of yours from our parents until you need it, and give you 100 each to make your point to them. Also, I want to see your father's face when he reads it the first time."
"Great. How long will you need?"
"I can have the fliers an hour after school lets out. An impressive list of addresses by tomorrow for bluffing our parents. I can have a good enough list by next week, and a work of art list by the end of the month."
"That'll work fine. I'm going to call those electronics stores and photo shops and get a price on that strobe light. See you later."
* * *
Cologne was examining Ranma, when Ranma said "What I don't understand is why you allow all of this confusion. If your goal isn't really to get me married to shampoo, but to train Shampoo, why do it here, instead of in your village?"
Cologne chuckles. "One of my goals. A main goal, but still only one of my goals. The answer lies in the way knowledge is passed. All of you teenaged martial artists are strong willed, but that's a disadvantage as well as an advantage. lets say that your father came across another spring on his way from Jhusenkyo to here. The spring is magical, but only works on people under 30 years old. Your father decides that it would make you a better martial artist, so he tries to throw you in, even though no one really knows what it will do. Would you let him?"
"Of course not."
"Your father would hound you to jump in. He'll try to trick you into it."
"I can resist anything he throws at me."
"So you'd never jump in?"
"Of course not."
"Even if you learned that some tribe, like the Musk dynasty used it to gain power?"
"Of course not. They used the spring of drowned girl. No way I'd jump into it voluntarily."
"But this spring is different."
"Still I wouldn't jump in."
"But what if your father was right?"
"My father's an idiot."
"Even an idiot can guess a coin toss correctly half of the time. Who's the bigger fool, the idiot? Or the man who'd jump off of a cliff if the idiot told him not to? You should ignore idiots, not fight them. Fighting them is just stubbornness. Never butt heads with a mountain goat."
"Ok, but what does this have to do with teaching?"
"If I told you that I knew you'd be happier if you married Shampoo immediately, would you do it? Even if I could show you all of the possibilities? You wont take my advice unless you want it. The older people learned from their youthful mistakes, and wish to pass on their advice, but the young ignore it, and repeat the mistakes. The only way to teach the stubborn is to put them in a situation where they want your advice. I could tell you in one sentence how to become twice the martial artist you are, and you'd laugh and ignore it."
"Try me."
"OK, let me use the memory erasing shampoo to lock away your martial arts skill for a year."
"Are you crazy? How would that help?"
"You rely too much on your skill, and ignore other strengths. Akane concentrates on her physical strength, and she did well for years until she found opponents she couldn't hit. You're still doing well, but there will be battles that you can't fight, and you aren't training for those. You improvise well when you have to, but you don't practice it. Lets use an exagerated analogy. Pretend there were a spring of drowned martial arts god, and whatever fell in got the body and skills of an invincible martial artist. Pretend I dropped a puppy in it. You couldn't outfight it, but Nabiki could get it to do whatever she wanted. That shows she has a skill that allows her to win when you couldn't. Since the puppy loves me, I can get it to do whatever I want. Is it a noble martial artist? No, it's a weapon, a catspaw. Become the best fighter, but you're badly ignoring other things you need to learn, and I'm not talking about schoolwork. Akane can destroy bricks and wood. You can defeat nearly anyone. But neither of you know how to get what you want. Using that as a measure, Nabiki and Kasumi are way ahead of you."
"I told Akane that Kasumi had the perfect martial arts defence, but that was meant as a joke."
"Her's is far from perfect, but she gets hit less often than you do inspite of your dodging and blocking."
"So what do you reccommend? Besides loosing my martial arts for a year?"
"Read a book on strategy. It doesn't matter if it's by Sun Tzu or Napoleon. Also read about how the non-fighters outsmart or outflank their opponents. Any time you let your opponent force you to fight, even if you win, you've lost somewhat, because he was able to force your hand. Figure out how to beat an opponent stronger than you, and leave the weaker ones alone. Learn where to use the smallest force in the right place to achieve your objectives. When you meet more powerful enemies, you'll need every advantage. And that's one way of measuring your strength.
* * *
As Ranma arrives home, his mother calls him aside. "Son, is there anything you want me to know while forming my decision about your engagements?"
"No, mom. There are about 2 more major surprises left, but neither of them really affect the engagement issue."
"Well then, I'll have an answer soon. When do you want to tell everyone."
"Tell them all at the same time? They'll riot!"
"If we tell them one at a time, there'll be a huge misunderstanding. Don't worry about a riot; Nabiki will be helping me with crowd control."
"Ok mom. How about Saturday? That way people will stop asking me about who I'll date then. Does Nabiki know who it'll be?"
Nodoka laughs, "Son, I don't know yet who it'll be."
* * *
Shortly thereafter, Ranma's father, in panda form, drags Ranma behind the dojo where he can transform and talk without Nodoka seeing him. "Son, tonight you are going to impress your mother with how manly you are."
"And how did you expect me to do that?"
"Why, by taking Akane out on a date, of course."
"I thought I told you to stop making plans for me like that!"
"Insolent boy! You'll obey your father! Oh how sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful son."
"Why, I ought to ... Hmm. Pop, I'll be right back. Nabiki and I have something that I think will change your mind. Wait here, I'll get them."
* * *
"So, son, what do you have that could change my mind on this?"
"Oh, just these fliers. We've got hundreds more. We're thinking on sending one to every shrine and dojo in Japan."
"Let me see that, son." As Genma read his face became pale. Nabiki got several excellent snapshots of his expression, all the better to preserve the memory. Genma fearfully said, "You wouldn't send this? You wouldn't dare. It isn't true."
"It isn't, but it could be. If you push me I'll make it true, and there wont be anywhere safe for you to live. It doesn't even have to be true to work."
"You dare threaten your own father?"
"Oh yes. It's a tradition of the Anything goes school, after all. Happosai threatens you; Soun threatens you; even Akane threatens you. I just figured I should uphold the tradition. We are a traditional family, after all."
"You can't send this. It might kill me."
"I'm spending tonight at home, and you will agree, wont you?"
"We'll see."
* * *
Genma's flier read as follows:
"To whom it may concern.
"The Martial Artist known as Genma Saotome has been disowned from his family for numerous thefts. He has made numerous promises that he has no intention of repaying, and has stole numerous items ranging from food to people's livelihoods, and is not above stealing sacred items. He has travelled the country with his son Ranma Saotome, who is now tracking him down in order to make this ronin take responsibility for his actions.
"He has previously trained with the martial arts master Happosai, a small ancient pervert, that is probably responsible for half of the thefts in Japan of women's undergarments. Genma has aided this man and may be considered his partner. If you see him, or if you have been wronged by him and want revenge, please contact the Saotome family, as they are coordinating the search.
"He has been known to disguise himself as a panda, and uses this disguise to make his escapes. However hot water will cause the costume to fall apart. Be forewarned, he can don this costume at an astonishing speed, and it is very realistic. If you see a panda, walking around, we'd appreciate it if you would notify us."
* * *
After a short conference, Genma convinces Soun to confront Nabiki about helping Ranma avoid a date with Akane. "Nabiki, I must ask you to stop helping Ranma. He's using your help to keep from marrying Akane."
"I'm sorry, daddy. I want to continue as I am doing."
"I'm afraid I must insist!"
"But you can't insist anymore. Remember that duel of honor you had that made Kasumi the head of the household?"
"I'm still your father. You will stop out of respect for that."
Nabiki smirks. "Ok, father. If you are sure that that is what you want, I'll do it out of respect for you. But I really think I can convince you that you don't want to insist. Has Genma outlined Ranma's proposed plan of papering Japan with fliers?"
"Yes he has, and I want you to stop him."
"If you insist. But if you insist, I'll send out my own flier. Here, read this."
As Soun reads, he bursts into tears. "My own daughter! How could you do this?"
"It's quite easy, actually. I guarantee success. It has the benefit of being entirely true, even if it is somewhat misleading. I assume you won't insist that I avoid helping my possible future brother-in-law as I see fit, right?"
As Nabiki walks away, Soun cries a small river.
Soun's flier read as follows:
"To whom it may concern.
"The Martial Artist known as Soun Tendo has been hiding and supporting the martial arts master Happosai.
"Happosai is known to have stolen many antiques, especially those of a sacred, or magical history. He is also responsible for the rash of underware thefts that have been occuring for several months now. However he has never been caught, due to his speed at escape.
"Soun Tendo started out as this pervert's disciple, hoping to learn his master's skills. Now he is Happosai's partner, supplying him with free room and board at the Tendo Dojo in Nerima. In addition he helps Happosai to store his thousands of stolen goods there. He has on several occasions prevented Happosai's detection or capture, and has been known to go on raids with him.
"He is also trying to force the underage female members of his family into sexual relations with a stranger for monetary benefits, and permits his partner Happosai to fondle his daughters whenever he wishes. His family has tried to cover up his shameful behavior, but have been unable to prevent it."
* * *
Soun goes crying to Kasumi. "Kasumi! You have to talk to Nabiki! She's threatening to ruin me." If it weren't for all of his tears, perhapse Kasumi would have heard her father's side of the story. Instead she goes to Nabiki to ask her what happenned.
Nabiki told her "He and Genma were trying to force Ranma and Akane out on a date. I think that things like that should be inspired out of love between the two people involved, so I helped Ranma out of their stupid plan. Then he tells me I shouldn't help our future brother-in-law out like that. Ranma's practically family, but daddy kept pushing me. I finally said if he pushed me I'd stop lying to the public for him. That's when he started crying that I was going to ruin him."
"Is all that true?"
"Yes, every word."
"You did the right thing. I'll go talk to Daddy about this." Kasumi returns to the kitchen to find a hopeful Soun. "Is it true that this started as another attempt to force Ranma and Akane on a date?"
"Well, yes, but that's not the most important part."
"You were angry because she helped Ranma decide for himself who he dates, weren't you?"
"Well, yes, but..."
"Nabiki did the right thing. I'm afraid you're in the wrong on this one. I don't think you need to apologize to Nabiki as she seems content with the situation as it is, but you probably owe Ranma an apology. I'll leave it to you to decide if it's necessary."
This, of course, sets off another soun Tendo crying fest.
* * *
Happosai's flier read as follows:
"To whom it may concern.
"The Martial Artist known as Happosai has been hiding at the Tendo Dojo in Nerima, by terrorizing the family to comply with his depraived will.
"Happosai is known to have stolen many antiques, especially those of a sacred, or magical history. He has also been stealing food, invading women's baths, and he is also responsible for the rash of underware thefts that have been occuring for several months now.
"Do not believe a word he says. For he tries to shift the blame of his actions on anyone who is handy. However he can always be distracted by a bra or female cleavage. Ranma Saotome has been able to slow him down, and foil many of his plans, but never for long. He will aid you, should you ask him, in defeating the monster.
"Happosai is also responsible for the giant goblin that terrorized the area at the time that his local raids started, as well as being responsible for alot of the property damage in the Nerima area.
"Happosai regularly fondles all of the young women in the area, and raids the girls locker rooms in highschools on a regular basis. As he is a grand master martial artist, no one has been able to stop him for long. So far, no one has reported becoming pregnant due to him.
"If you have any grievance, he often returns to the Tendo Home, where he has the patriarch cowed into obesiance. Feel free to stake out the area in order to get a chance at him. Please have mercy on his victims who live in the area.
* * *
Happosai finally arrives at Jhusenkyo. "Ok, now. How do I make sure I can recurse Ranma? He ruins my best plans. I don't want to have to remake this trip again. How much water do I need? One cask or bucket should be enough if everything works according to plan. 2 casks? is one backup enough? How much could I get back to Japan? There's no real limit. Send it by several different routes so some will definitely succeed. Maybe I'm thinking too small. How would I deliver water to all of the males at his school? Double the number of young beauties in one shot. I wonder how much water the school's sprinkler system could hold ... "