23: Deconstructive Criticism

Donna stood transfixed as the Agricultural Secretary shuddered and shook, transforming before their eyes. She'd seen vampires shift faces before, but this was something else. That was just alien; this felt like it was against all the laws of the universe she'd ever known.

Hey, wait a minute, you can't do that-

Josh let out a startled cry and scrambled backwards, Sam beside him, as sinuous coils exploded everywhere at once. The enormous snake reared up and regarded them through dangerously intelligent eyes.

Everyone was frozen - except Buffy, who calmly sauntered forward. "Hey, you did it again! Kinda smaller this time, though. Running low on the instant snake mix?"

The snake-demon made a noise that was more a snarl than a serpentine hiss. Buffy looked mock-concerned. "Ooh, nasty - indigestion? You shouldn't have eaten Snyder last time round, he never agreed with anybody." She walked fearlessly towards the giant snake and stood looking up at it. "Hey, you're not so big. Reckon I could kick your ass." She stopped to contemplate. "If, you know, you have one, which I'm willing to admit might not be the case. But hey, no need to worry, I'm sure I can find something else to kick."

The serpent tail whipped out lightning fast, and Buffy jumped backwards. The others all scurried further out of reach, but they needn't have worried - the newly-made demon had eyes for nobody but the young Slayer.

Buffy grinned devilishly as she sauntered backwards. "Little bit testy, there? Something you ate? Or something eating you? I guess you're still kinda sore about what happened last time. Well, no dynamite this time around, but hey, you didn't get to make your speech, so in terms of pain and devastation I guess we'll call it even."

The snake lunged again, with terrifying speed, but Buffy evaded it, still walking backwards and still talking. "I gotta say, I'm pretty relieved about that. I mean, the one you started giving at graduation was bad enough. Your motivational speaking skills, on a scale of one to ten? Suck. Hell, I was starting to snooze in the back there, and I knew you were gonna turn into a demon halfway through."

Enraged, the snake demon surged after her. She started to run, leading it in a twisting, circling path and leaping the coils that lashed her way. As she moved, she continued to fling taunts over her shoulder.

"Hey, I've heard some pretty boring speeches in my time. Hell, I went to university - I had lectures! But there ain't nothing to compare to your graduation day spiel, my snaky friend. I gotta thank you for that, actually - it sure is a good cure for my post-slayage insomnia." She grinned, and suddenly stopped running. "I figure we've already won here. You eat us all, we've still been spared the horror of listening to you go on for an hour or four. Everybody wins! So what if we forgot the dynamite?"

The snake demon shot towards the suddenly stationary target. Buffy held her ground - and then, at the last minute, threw herself aside. The giant snake vanished from view as it was flung at speed through the invisible portal. Buffy clicked her fingers in feigned remembrance. "Oh yeah. We did bring one of those, though. Did I forget to mention that?"

"Now!" Toby, Wesley and Giles began chanting in unison, and Giles flung out a hand in an emphatic gesture. Buffy stepped forward and waved her hand through the air where the portal had once been.

"All gone." She dusted herself off, and the others exchanged shaky glances.

Josh looked across at Donna, wide-eyed. "Did we just win?"

"Don't jinx it," she advised.

Giles and Toby quickly kicked away the traces of the sigils that had formed the portal spell, and came over to join the rest of them. Sam was looking at Buffy warily. "Hey, I know you wanted to make him mad, but that? Was seriously nasty."

Buffy grinned, and patted him on the shoulder. "Hey, hit 'em where it hurts." She shrugged. "You wanna speak in public, you gotta learn to take a bit of deconstructive criticism."

"We'd better get back in before we're missed," Josh remembered, turning back towards the building.

"Little bit late for that." Leo stepped out of the shadows and frowned at them all. "Okay, again I find my senior staff disappearing in the middle of important government business. What the hell is going on here?"