Chapter IV
Ancient History - Fifth Period
As the car pulled into the garage, Legolas sat sulking and staring at his feet, giving an occasional tug or two on the seat belt, hoping his perseverance would make the elastic band relent its restrictive grasp. He was too despaired to pay attention to his captor's speech.
"Okay, Jocelyn, get out. Take a shower, go to bed, it's late," said the abductor, giving up his admonishment.
Legolas looked at the man uncomprehendingly, and though the man did not laugh, the strange hobbit-boy could. Legolas had tangled himself in his seat belt; somehow his leg had gotten over the strap, and he had it twisted several times around his torso, and one or two times around his arm.
The man gave a great sigh. "Jocelyn, sometimes I worry about you," and with those words, he left her and went inside, leaving the garage light on in case she changed her mind.
The hobbit-boy laughed. "You're stupid," he said.
"And you are the most absolutely abominable and foul hobbit that ever walked across my path!" spat Legolas. His voice was muffled because the strap of the seat belt had just slid over his mouth and he was too tangled to get it out of his face.
The boy blinked. Then he began laughing again. "You're stupid."
Legolas gave a growl and tried to pitch himself at the hobbit-boy, but only succeeded in nearly choking himself. "Of course you dare mock me in my arrest, but when I am out of these binds, you will rue the day I ever lay eyes on you, you revolting creature! I never liked hobbits, you are no exception, shrimp!" He took his free leg and tried to reach over and push the hobbit-boy out of his way, but the boy jumped out of the way in time.
The boy's amusement had grown into fear. "You're scary."
"AAAGGGHHH!" Legolas bellowed in frustration. "Get away!" he exclaimed in his fury, "Depart!"
The boy began running, only looking back a few times to make sure Legolas was not really chasing after him. "Mooommmmm!!! Daaaaddddd??!!!"
Legolas would have smiled at himself for such a victory, but he was too exhausted. Leaning his head against the window, he fell asleep.
* * * * * *
"Oh my God," a woman exclaimed. "Jocelyn? Jocelyn! Get up!"
Legolas gave a low grumble and fluttered his eyelids. "Oh…my eyes…"
"Have you been here all night?" the woman asked.
"I suppose…is it dawn yet?"
"It's 7:30! I was already sleeping when you came home, I didn't realize you were sleeping in the car!" she exclaimed. Legolas thought her rather annoying.
"Oh, it's a rather interesting experience, sleeping with your eyes closed, for I usually sleep with them open, being an elf and all…" he said matter- of-factly.
"Good Lord, you've really not had enough sleep. And why are you like this? What did you do? Get into a fight with the seat belt?" she looked at him incredulously.
"Seat-belt?"
She sighed. Then she reached over and untangled him from the belt straps. "I really don't think you got enough sleep. Do you feel up to going to school today?"
"Schoooool?"
"Maybe you'd better remain at home, you look kind of pale."
"Yes! Take me home! Take me back!" shouted Legolas.
"So you want to stay here for today, get some rest?"
"No! We must depart immediately! I must return!" he commanded, he sounded like he was leading an army. "Who knows what decisions they shall need me to make today at the council?" he reasoned, and the lady was even more confused. "But, first things first, I must see the hobbit-boy, take me to him."
"What?"
"That detestable creature which pestered me last night."
"Your brother?"
This shocked Legolas. That horrible thing was his brother? "No! Nevermind, I do not want to meet him after all, just take me home!"
"I thought you said you wanted to go to school?"
"Schooool? That is no school!"
"Jocelyn!" the lady exclaimed in frustration.
"Just take me away from here. Take me back where I was yesterday!"
"Fine!" she said in exasperation, throwing her hands up in the air. "But if you start feeling bad, just page me, okay?"
"What you?"
"Page me, you know my number, right?" she asked, slipping into the driver's seat.
"Thirty-two?"
"No. I'll give it to you again, write this down. Do you have a pen? Here. Write this down: 214-555-0987. Got it?"
Legolas had the pen in his hand, and he wrote down the random numbers on his palm. He did not know why he was doing so, but it just seemed like he should. Returning the pen to the lady, he looked out the window. It was a strange place. All these square, ugly, horrendous buildings, with sparse trees, and all the trees were unhealthy, stunted shrubs. He turned his attention to the woman, who was pushing levers and clicking buttons in the car. He cocked his head in wonder. Then, as she was pulling out of the garage, he clicked a button. It was the air conditioning button, and he immediately felt the small gust of wind coming from the miniature vents. It felt nice. Then he reasoned that if pushing buttons were good, then he should push all the buttons he wanted. The woman didn't seem to mind.
What a strange horse, he thought, kind of stout, and ugly as well. I wonder what this is for… He put his hand on the gear shift and pulled it down to park. All of a sudden, the wheels halted and Legolas and the lady were jolted forward in an unreal shock. The car behind them skidded to a stop just inches from their bumper. Coooooooooooool…Legolas though to himself. The woman's eyes were wide open as she turned slowly to look at the perpetrator.
"What…was…that?" she said, collecting her breath.
"Wow! Let's do it again!" he said.
"You almost got us killed! We could have flipped over or something! Oh…God…" she rubbed her hand over her face as a series of honks serenaded them behind her.
"Sorry."
"Whatever, let's just go, okay? Don't do that again. If you put your hand on the gear shift one more time, I'll…I'll…oh, whatever!" she gasped.
"Okay," he murmured, and for the rest of the ride, he had to restrain himself from the incredible desire to put his hand on the gear shift and pull it again.
"Okay, have a nice day," the woman said as she dropped him off in front of the school entrance. Legolas walked out without shutting the car door and followed the small stream of kids inside. He walked up the way he remember to his locker-house, and opened it, he was just about to attempt to crawl inside when he heard the familiar call of "Jobas." Turning swiftly, he encountered the familiar figure frolicking over to him. Lissette was following a little way behind, trying to pretend that she had nothing do with her two insane companions.
"Hello," he said.
"Yo," Alex replied absent-mindedly, "so, did you write any more of your story?"
"What story?" he asked, highly upset that she was hindering him from squeezing into his locker-house.
"You know, the one about Legolas, and Gandalf sends him here in your place and blah blah blah?" she specified.
"You know Gandalf?" he asked, bewildered.
"Uh…not personally…"
"How did you hear of him?"
"Didn't we go over this yesterday?" Lissette asked.
All of a sudden, the bell rang, and a strange lady in a red dress and horrible leopard print shoes (Mrs. Kramer), began shoveling kids into their classes.
"Oh, better go, the biznatch (bitch in Alex-talk) is coming. Do you want me to drop you off in history?" Alex asked.
"History?"
"Shit, not again, Jocelyn. What the fuck has been wrong with you lately? Oh well, whatever, nevermind, I'll talk to you later. Nice shoes, Mrs. Kramer," she smiled as the lady passed.
"Get to class, both of you," she commanded.
Lissette scampered off to her next class and Legolas followed her. Alex left to the restroom.
"What are you doing?" asked Lissette, confused.
"Following you."
"You have history to go to. It's over here," she opened the door to the history room and gave Legolas a hearty shove into it.
"You're late," Mrs. Cunningham said. Legolas recognized her as the lady that had been at the lunch table the other day, "just a few seconds more and you would have had to get a late slip."
Legolas looked at her blankly, and after a few silent and awkward moments, decided to take a seat in the corner of the room. He had no books with him, so he twiddled him thumbs on the desk.
"Okay, today, we're going to watch a short movie about the Spanish Inquisition. It was made in the 70's or 80's or something, but it's pretty good. It's got cheesy actors and everything, but it's good, you'll get all the necessary information," she said, as she stuck in a video into the VCR.
"The Inquisition! What a show! The Inquisition!" the actors on the screen danced and sang to a parody of the Spanish Inquisition (it's a Mel Brooks parody called The History of the World, it's hilarious, it's got masturbating cave men and Caesars who can pull ducks from their asses; it's great). Everybody watched silently, but Legolas was amazed. He hopped up to the TV screen and stared straight at it, blocking everyone else's view.
"Jocelyn, get down please," Mrs. Cunningham asked politely, "Jocelyn, get down."
Legolas turned around to face the teacher and pointing at the screen he said, "They move."
She nodded and motioned for him to sit down. He sat down dejectedly next to the VCR, but then amused himself playing with all the little knobs on the machine. He rewound the tape, fast forwarded it, paused it, and ejected it, all with a bewildered look on his face. Mrs. Cunningham walked up to him and told him quietly, "Jocelyn, please stop. We're trying to watch the video."
"Vi-deeee-oh," he repeated, shamelessly.
Mrs. Cunningham returned to her seat at the other side of the room and turned the movie back on.
"The Inquisition—" it began, but never continued, because Legolas had unplugged the TV.
Oh no! I've killed it! he thought to himself, and struggled to hide the plug by sitting on it, though it poked him unbearably from underneath.
"Jocelyn, please step out of the room. Just until you can get a hold of yourself," Mrs. Cunningham said, sternly, but not meanly. Legolas trailed his feet as he walked out of the room. He found himself in the hallway again.
Damn, it's hard to please royalty in this place. It was an accident, honest.
Legolas trudged to his locker-house with a heavy heart. He tried to fit inside, but he found it was too small. What uncomfortable homes, he thought to himself as he took the books out and flung them out into the hallway to make more room. Finally, he had cleared the locker and he could fit, but not too comfortably. And that picture is really bothering me, he thought, so he tore it off, crumpled it, and tossed it out as well.
There he remained for about thirty minutes, until he heard footsteps outside. Ugh, can't they tell I'm trying to get some sleep here? It was Alex. She had been walking down the hall and seen the unsightly chaos surrounding Legolas' locker-house; books, pictures, papers, locker shelves were all thrown about everywhere. She stepped around the mess and opened Jocelyn's locker. Anybody else would have screamed, but she merely sighed.
"Jocelyn?" Legolas opened his eyes at the sound of the voice, it was Alex. "What are you doing here?"
"May I return the question?" he said.
"I cut class. What happened to you?" she asked.
"I was obviously having too much fun with the 'TV.' The Queen banished me," he said, his heart heavy.
"Um…that sounds really bad, but whatever. Were you watching the little Spanish Inquisition thing? I love that!" shouted Alex.
"Yes."
"But, ahem, more importantly…why are you hiding inside your locker? And why did all hell break loose outside of it?" she looked down as she nearly tripped over a physics book.
"I am tired, I would like to sleep now," he said, as if it were an everyday thing to tear apart your locker, hide inside of it, and expect to be able to fall asleep.
"Okay, suit yourself," Alex said as she slammed the locker shut again. "Wait," she opened it once more, "this is too weird. What's going on?"
Legolas stepped out of his locker-house. It was getting hot and uncomfortable. "Nothing, why?" he began piling his stuff back into his locker in no particular order or fashion.
"If you keep that up, your locker will be messier than mine," Alex pointed out as Legolas stuffed Jocelyn's Lacrosse uniform between two pages of his history book.
"Does it matter when I'm just going to take it out again?"
"Seriously, Jocelyn. I can't tell if you're kidding or not. It's not funny anymore. At first it was funny so Lissette and I just humored you. We figured that it was just a phase, or you were on some desperate quest for attention…or maybe you had fallen down the stairs and gotten amnesia or something, but now I'm really worried. I mean, tell me the truth, what's wrong?" she handed Legolas his calculator and watched him cram it inside.
"Do you really want to know?" Legolas shut his locker with a little shove to make it stick and turned to Alex. "I don't think you can handle the truth."
" 'Handle the truth' my ass…"
Legolas didn't understand the reference, but instead raised one eyebrow. "Hey!" Alex pointed out, "you can do the one eyebrow thing! Wait till I tell Lissette! I mean, ahem, I can handle the truth."
"Well…I'm not exactly who you think I am. I know you think I'm Jocelyn, just your average, normal, girl—"
"Haha! I mean…go on…"
"but in truth…I'm actually Legolas."
Alex blinked, staring silently at Legolas.
"You see, Gandalf was going to try and help me escape from Saruman's clutches, and the only way he could accomplish that was if he sent me to another world to become a new person," Alex blinked, "and so, I don't know if I was supposed to actually take over somebody else's life, but here I am. I don't know anything about anything; about your strange wildlife, your ugly horses, and your horrible shrubs. I'm telling you, that's the truth!" Alex blinked, "You have to believe me. I don't know how to get back, but Gandalf said he would bring me back when the time was right. See, Saruman was going to turn me into an orc (for his own sick, twisted, perverse reasons), but Gandalf out-smarted him by sending me here. I don't dare to go back, for then my lovely body will be turned into orc form. And it is better to endure a few months living in this stunted body than to have my beautiful elven body (a very beautiful one, I may add) transformed into an orc body. I mean, have you seen their nails?" Alex blinked.
"Oh…my…God…Jocelyn, that was the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever heard. You would have been better off saying your stepfather's great uncle's dog's veterinarian's roommate's plumber's prostitute's sister's second cousin-in-law died, and you have to move to Brazil and live in a fourteen storied shack wallpapered with pictures of Richard Nixon, with no running water, and a toilet made out of pink polka-dotted eggplants," Alex said.
"My stepfather's great uncle's dog's veterinarian's roommate's plumber's prostitute's sister's second cousin-in-law died, and I have to move to Brazil and live in a fourteen storied shack wallpapered with pictures of Richard Nixon, with no running water, and a toilet made out of pink polka- dotted eggs," Legolas said, trying to cover up for his mistake.
Alex blinked. "Eggplants," she corrected.
"Like I said, you couldn't handle the truth!" Legolas said, infuriated.
"But what kind of truth was that?!" she asked incredulously, "I mean, when I ask for the truth, I don't expect you to ramble on over some story about Gandalf and Saruman and orcs' nails!" Then, she turned to her friend suspiciously and said, "What have I told you about pigging out on those popsicles? Moderation, Jocelyn! Moderation!"
"It's all true, I tell you! Why don't you believe me?" Then, to Alex's and his own amazement, Legolas sat down and began to cry.
"Jocelyn?" Alex asked worriedly, "Jobas?"
"And stop calling me by that repulsive nickname!" Legolas shouted amidst the tears. "My name is Legolas Greenleaf. I am prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil! Jobas is no name for one such as I! And Jocelyn isn't even my real name!"
"Jocelyn…are you all right?" Alex questioned.
"Legolas!"
"Oh, right. Um…Legolas…if you really are Legolas…what you're telling me is kind of fucked up. Could you like…prove it or something? Cause I mean, you're telling me to believe that you are the guy I want to get in bed with," said Alex.
"You want to get in bed with me?" Legolas raised an eyebrow.
"Well, not now! You're a girl! I mean, kinda. When you're back in your little elven body or whatever," shouted Alex in confusion.
"Does that mean now I have to be attracted to men?" Legolas said dejectedly. Damn it.
"Hell no! Not if I can help it!" shouted Alex. "Besides, having you one more day in Jocelyn's body (if you really are) will permanently ruin everything for me!"
"How are we going to change me back? And what if Saruman catches me?"
"Well…we'll just have to get rid of Saruman, too. And I don't know how we're gonna get you back. We'll think of something…" she frowned. "You know, I have a feeling this is a conspiracy you and Liz started just to confuse me and I bet you all are gonna laugh about this afterwards!"
"I swear on my father's life that it is all true. Why would I lie about this?"
"I dunno. I guess it could be true. You've been acting like a dumbass, talking so fucked-uppedly that I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't really Jocelyn anyway. Anyway, if it's all true then, we've got to get Jocelyn back, because you're fucking up her life," explained Alex.
"And besides, once she's become an orc in my body back in Middle-Earth, there's no way I'm giving her body back."
Ancient History - Fifth Period
As the car pulled into the garage, Legolas sat sulking and staring at his feet, giving an occasional tug or two on the seat belt, hoping his perseverance would make the elastic band relent its restrictive grasp. He was too despaired to pay attention to his captor's speech.
"Okay, Jocelyn, get out. Take a shower, go to bed, it's late," said the abductor, giving up his admonishment.
Legolas looked at the man uncomprehendingly, and though the man did not laugh, the strange hobbit-boy could. Legolas had tangled himself in his seat belt; somehow his leg had gotten over the strap, and he had it twisted several times around his torso, and one or two times around his arm.
The man gave a great sigh. "Jocelyn, sometimes I worry about you," and with those words, he left her and went inside, leaving the garage light on in case she changed her mind.
The hobbit-boy laughed. "You're stupid," he said.
"And you are the most absolutely abominable and foul hobbit that ever walked across my path!" spat Legolas. His voice was muffled because the strap of the seat belt had just slid over his mouth and he was too tangled to get it out of his face.
The boy blinked. Then he began laughing again. "You're stupid."
Legolas gave a growl and tried to pitch himself at the hobbit-boy, but only succeeded in nearly choking himself. "Of course you dare mock me in my arrest, but when I am out of these binds, you will rue the day I ever lay eyes on you, you revolting creature! I never liked hobbits, you are no exception, shrimp!" He took his free leg and tried to reach over and push the hobbit-boy out of his way, but the boy jumped out of the way in time.
The boy's amusement had grown into fear. "You're scary."
"AAAGGGHHH!" Legolas bellowed in frustration. "Get away!" he exclaimed in his fury, "Depart!"
The boy began running, only looking back a few times to make sure Legolas was not really chasing after him. "Mooommmmm!!! Daaaaddddd??!!!"
Legolas would have smiled at himself for such a victory, but he was too exhausted. Leaning his head against the window, he fell asleep.
* * * * * *
"Oh my God," a woman exclaimed. "Jocelyn? Jocelyn! Get up!"
Legolas gave a low grumble and fluttered his eyelids. "Oh…my eyes…"
"Have you been here all night?" the woman asked.
"I suppose…is it dawn yet?"
"It's 7:30! I was already sleeping when you came home, I didn't realize you were sleeping in the car!" she exclaimed. Legolas thought her rather annoying.
"Oh, it's a rather interesting experience, sleeping with your eyes closed, for I usually sleep with them open, being an elf and all…" he said matter- of-factly.
"Good Lord, you've really not had enough sleep. And why are you like this? What did you do? Get into a fight with the seat belt?" she looked at him incredulously.
"Seat-belt?"
She sighed. Then she reached over and untangled him from the belt straps. "I really don't think you got enough sleep. Do you feel up to going to school today?"
"Schoooool?"
"Maybe you'd better remain at home, you look kind of pale."
"Yes! Take me home! Take me back!" shouted Legolas.
"So you want to stay here for today, get some rest?"
"No! We must depart immediately! I must return!" he commanded, he sounded like he was leading an army. "Who knows what decisions they shall need me to make today at the council?" he reasoned, and the lady was even more confused. "But, first things first, I must see the hobbit-boy, take me to him."
"What?"
"That detestable creature which pestered me last night."
"Your brother?"
This shocked Legolas. That horrible thing was his brother? "No! Nevermind, I do not want to meet him after all, just take me home!"
"I thought you said you wanted to go to school?"
"Schooool? That is no school!"
"Jocelyn!" the lady exclaimed in frustration.
"Just take me away from here. Take me back where I was yesterday!"
"Fine!" she said in exasperation, throwing her hands up in the air. "But if you start feeling bad, just page me, okay?"
"What you?"
"Page me, you know my number, right?" she asked, slipping into the driver's seat.
"Thirty-two?"
"No. I'll give it to you again, write this down. Do you have a pen? Here. Write this down: 214-555-0987. Got it?"
Legolas had the pen in his hand, and he wrote down the random numbers on his palm. He did not know why he was doing so, but it just seemed like he should. Returning the pen to the lady, he looked out the window. It was a strange place. All these square, ugly, horrendous buildings, with sparse trees, and all the trees were unhealthy, stunted shrubs. He turned his attention to the woman, who was pushing levers and clicking buttons in the car. He cocked his head in wonder. Then, as she was pulling out of the garage, he clicked a button. It was the air conditioning button, and he immediately felt the small gust of wind coming from the miniature vents. It felt nice. Then he reasoned that if pushing buttons were good, then he should push all the buttons he wanted. The woman didn't seem to mind.
What a strange horse, he thought, kind of stout, and ugly as well. I wonder what this is for… He put his hand on the gear shift and pulled it down to park. All of a sudden, the wheels halted and Legolas and the lady were jolted forward in an unreal shock. The car behind them skidded to a stop just inches from their bumper. Coooooooooooool…Legolas though to himself. The woman's eyes were wide open as she turned slowly to look at the perpetrator.
"What…was…that?" she said, collecting her breath.
"Wow! Let's do it again!" he said.
"You almost got us killed! We could have flipped over or something! Oh…God…" she rubbed her hand over her face as a series of honks serenaded them behind her.
"Sorry."
"Whatever, let's just go, okay? Don't do that again. If you put your hand on the gear shift one more time, I'll…I'll…oh, whatever!" she gasped.
"Okay," he murmured, and for the rest of the ride, he had to restrain himself from the incredible desire to put his hand on the gear shift and pull it again.
"Okay, have a nice day," the woman said as she dropped him off in front of the school entrance. Legolas walked out without shutting the car door and followed the small stream of kids inside. He walked up the way he remember to his locker-house, and opened it, he was just about to attempt to crawl inside when he heard the familiar call of "Jobas." Turning swiftly, he encountered the familiar figure frolicking over to him. Lissette was following a little way behind, trying to pretend that she had nothing do with her two insane companions.
"Hello," he said.
"Yo," Alex replied absent-mindedly, "so, did you write any more of your story?"
"What story?" he asked, highly upset that she was hindering him from squeezing into his locker-house.
"You know, the one about Legolas, and Gandalf sends him here in your place and blah blah blah?" she specified.
"You know Gandalf?" he asked, bewildered.
"Uh…not personally…"
"How did you hear of him?"
"Didn't we go over this yesterday?" Lissette asked.
All of a sudden, the bell rang, and a strange lady in a red dress and horrible leopard print shoes (Mrs. Kramer), began shoveling kids into their classes.
"Oh, better go, the biznatch (bitch in Alex-talk) is coming. Do you want me to drop you off in history?" Alex asked.
"History?"
"Shit, not again, Jocelyn. What the fuck has been wrong with you lately? Oh well, whatever, nevermind, I'll talk to you later. Nice shoes, Mrs. Kramer," she smiled as the lady passed.
"Get to class, both of you," she commanded.
Lissette scampered off to her next class and Legolas followed her. Alex left to the restroom.
"What are you doing?" asked Lissette, confused.
"Following you."
"You have history to go to. It's over here," she opened the door to the history room and gave Legolas a hearty shove into it.
"You're late," Mrs. Cunningham said. Legolas recognized her as the lady that had been at the lunch table the other day, "just a few seconds more and you would have had to get a late slip."
Legolas looked at her blankly, and after a few silent and awkward moments, decided to take a seat in the corner of the room. He had no books with him, so he twiddled him thumbs on the desk.
"Okay, today, we're going to watch a short movie about the Spanish Inquisition. It was made in the 70's or 80's or something, but it's pretty good. It's got cheesy actors and everything, but it's good, you'll get all the necessary information," she said, as she stuck in a video into the VCR.
"The Inquisition! What a show! The Inquisition!" the actors on the screen danced and sang to a parody of the Spanish Inquisition (it's a Mel Brooks parody called The History of the World, it's hilarious, it's got masturbating cave men and Caesars who can pull ducks from their asses; it's great). Everybody watched silently, but Legolas was amazed. He hopped up to the TV screen and stared straight at it, blocking everyone else's view.
"Jocelyn, get down please," Mrs. Cunningham asked politely, "Jocelyn, get down."
Legolas turned around to face the teacher and pointing at the screen he said, "They move."
She nodded and motioned for him to sit down. He sat down dejectedly next to the VCR, but then amused himself playing with all the little knobs on the machine. He rewound the tape, fast forwarded it, paused it, and ejected it, all with a bewildered look on his face. Mrs. Cunningham walked up to him and told him quietly, "Jocelyn, please stop. We're trying to watch the video."
"Vi-deeee-oh," he repeated, shamelessly.
Mrs. Cunningham returned to her seat at the other side of the room and turned the movie back on.
"The Inquisition—" it began, but never continued, because Legolas had unplugged the TV.
Oh no! I've killed it! he thought to himself, and struggled to hide the plug by sitting on it, though it poked him unbearably from underneath.
"Jocelyn, please step out of the room. Just until you can get a hold of yourself," Mrs. Cunningham said, sternly, but not meanly. Legolas trailed his feet as he walked out of the room. He found himself in the hallway again.
Damn, it's hard to please royalty in this place. It was an accident, honest.
Legolas trudged to his locker-house with a heavy heart. He tried to fit inside, but he found it was too small. What uncomfortable homes, he thought to himself as he took the books out and flung them out into the hallway to make more room. Finally, he had cleared the locker and he could fit, but not too comfortably. And that picture is really bothering me, he thought, so he tore it off, crumpled it, and tossed it out as well.
There he remained for about thirty minutes, until he heard footsteps outside. Ugh, can't they tell I'm trying to get some sleep here? It was Alex. She had been walking down the hall and seen the unsightly chaos surrounding Legolas' locker-house; books, pictures, papers, locker shelves were all thrown about everywhere. She stepped around the mess and opened Jocelyn's locker. Anybody else would have screamed, but she merely sighed.
"Jocelyn?" Legolas opened his eyes at the sound of the voice, it was Alex. "What are you doing here?"
"May I return the question?" he said.
"I cut class. What happened to you?" she asked.
"I was obviously having too much fun with the 'TV.' The Queen banished me," he said, his heart heavy.
"Um…that sounds really bad, but whatever. Were you watching the little Spanish Inquisition thing? I love that!" shouted Alex.
"Yes."
"But, ahem, more importantly…why are you hiding inside your locker? And why did all hell break loose outside of it?" she looked down as she nearly tripped over a physics book.
"I am tired, I would like to sleep now," he said, as if it were an everyday thing to tear apart your locker, hide inside of it, and expect to be able to fall asleep.
"Okay, suit yourself," Alex said as she slammed the locker shut again. "Wait," she opened it once more, "this is too weird. What's going on?"
Legolas stepped out of his locker-house. It was getting hot and uncomfortable. "Nothing, why?" he began piling his stuff back into his locker in no particular order or fashion.
"If you keep that up, your locker will be messier than mine," Alex pointed out as Legolas stuffed Jocelyn's Lacrosse uniform between two pages of his history book.
"Does it matter when I'm just going to take it out again?"
"Seriously, Jocelyn. I can't tell if you're kidding or not. It's not funny anymore. At first it was funny so Lissette and I just humored you. We figured that it was just a phase, or you were on some desperate quest for attention…or maybe you had fallen down the stairs and gotten amnesia or something, but now I'm really worried. I mean, tell me the truth, what's wrong?" she handed Legolas his calculator and watched him cram it inside.
"Do you really want to know?" Legolas shut his locker with a little shove to make it stick and turned to Alex. "I don't think you can handle the truth."
" 'Handle the truth' my ass…"
Legolas didn't understand the reference, but instead raised one eyebrow. "Hey!" Alex pointed out, "you can do the one eyebrow thing! Wait till I tell Lissette! I mean, ahem, I can handle the truth."
"Well…I'm not exactly who you think I am. I know you think I'm Jocelyn, just your average, normal, girl—"
"Haha! I mean…go on…"
"but in truth…I'm actually Legolas."
Alex blinked, staring silently at Legolas.
"You see, Gandalf was going to try and help me escape from Saruman's clutches, and the only way he could accomplish that was if he sent me to another world to become a new person," Alex blinked, "and so, I don't know if I was supposed to actually take over somebody else's life, but here I am. I don't know anything about anything; about your strange wildlife, your ugly horses, and your horrible shrubs. I'm telling you, that's the truth!" Alex blinked, "You have to believe me. I don't know how to get back, but Gandalf said he would bring me back when the time was right. See, Saruman was going to turn me into an orc (for his own sick, twisted, perverse reasons), but Gandalf out-smarted him by sending me here. I don't dare to go back, for then my lovely body will be turned into orc form. And it is better to endure a few months living in this stunted body than to have my beautiful elven body (a very beautiful one, I may add) transformed into an orc body. I mean, have you seen their nails?" Alex blinked.
"Oh…my…God…Jocelyn, that was the saddest, most pathetic thing I have ever heard. You would have been better off saying your stepfather's great uncle's dog's veterinarian's roommate's plumber's prostitute's sister's second cousin-in-law died, and you have to move to Brazil and live in a fourteen storied shack wallpapered with pictures of Richard Nixon, with no running water, and a toilet made out of pink polka-dotted eggplants," Alex said.
"My stepfather's great uncle's dog's veterinarian's roommate's plumber's prostitute's sister's second cousin-in-law died, and I have to move to Brazil and live in a fourteen storied shack wallpapered with pictures of Richard Nixon, with no running water, and a toilet made out of pink polka- dotted eggs," Legolas said, trying to cover up for his mistake.
Alex blinked. "Eggplants," she corrected.
"Like I said, you couldn't handle the truth!" Legolas said, infuriated.
"But what kind of truth was that?!" she asked incredulously, "I mean, when I ask for the truth, I don't expect you to ramble on over some story about Gandalf and Saruman and orcs' nails!" Then, she turned to her friend suspiciously and said, "What have I told you about pigging out on those popsicles? Moderation, Jocelyn! Moderation!"
"It's all true, I tell you! Why don't you believe me?" Then, to Alex's and his own amazement, Legolas sat down and began to cry.
"Jocelyn?" Alex asked worriedly, "Jobas?"
"And stop calling me by that repulsive nickname!" Legolas shouted amidst the tears. "My name is Legolas Greenleaf. I am prince of Mirkwood, son of Thranduil! Jobas is no name for one such as I! And Jocelyn isn't even my real name!"
"Jocelyn…are you all right?" Alex questioned.
"Legolas!"
"Oh, right. Um…Legolas…if you really are Legolas…what you're telling me is kind of fucked up. Could you like…prove it or something? Cause I mean, you're telling me to believe that you are the guy I want to get in bed with," said Alex.
"You want to get in bed with me?" Legolas raised an eyebrow.
"Well, not now! You're a girl! I mean, kinda. When you're back in your little elven body or whatever," shouted Alex in confusion.
"Does that mean now I have to be attracted to men?" Legolas said dejectedly. Damn it.
"Hell no! Not if I can help it!" shouted Alex. "Besides, having you one more day in Jocelyn's body (if you really are) will permanently ruin everything for me!"
"How are we going to change me back? And what if Saruman catches me?"
"Well…we'll just have to get rid of Saruman, too. And I don't know how we're gonna get you back. We'll think of something…" she frowned. "You know, I have a feeling this is a conspiracy you and Liz started just to confuse me and I bet you all are gonna laugh about this afterwards!"
"I swear on my father's life that it is all true. Why would I lie about this?"
"I dunno. I guess it could be true. You've been acting like a dumbass, talking so fucked-uppedly that I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't really Jocelyn anyway. Anyway, if it's all true then, we've got to get Jocelyn back, because you're fucking up her life," explained Alex.
"And besides, once she's become an orc in my body back in Middle-Earth, there's no way I'm giving her body back."