Author's note: I took a study break and wrote this down. It's a parody of "I would do anything for love," by Meatloaf.

----

DUKE

And I would do anything for Red

I'd be in a coma, then come back

I would do anything for Red

I'd get speared by snakes, and that's a fact

But I'll never forget your pretty ponytail, oh no, no way

-----

(Chorus)

I would do anything for Red

But I won't do Jaye

No, I won't do Jaye

Anything for Red

I would do anything for Red

I would do anything for Red

But I won't do Jaye

No, I won't do Jaye

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And some days I'm posing for posters

And some days I'm on TV

And some days I'm fighting for freedom

It's 'cause I'm an all-American!

------

And some nights you're humping Snake Eyes

And some nights you're shooting foes

And some nights you're doing karate, beating the Cobras

All down again!

------

And maybe I'm crazy

Hoping that I'd impress you

I'm so tough and macho

And check out my eyes, they're nice and blue

------

As long as your sister is ugly

As long as my brother's a pussy

As long as that Cover Girl's got the hots

For me, just believe it—

------

(Chorus)

That I would do anything for Red

I'd find Serpentor, break his back

I would do anything for Red

I'd grab all my guns and then attack

But I'll never forgive myself if we don't have lots of sex

Tonight

And I would do anything for Red

Oh I would do anything for Red

Oh I would do anything for Red

But I won't do Jaye

No, I won't do Jaye

-------

I would do anything for Red

Anything she's got in her head

But I just won't do Jaye…

------

And some days I'm kissing slave girls

And some days it's Cover Girl

But when I see you hugging Snake Eyes, Shana, I just want to hurl!

------

And some nights I dream of your long hair

Your stars and your big cross bow

I dream of you taking your clothes off, and then I simply lose control

------

And maybe I'm lonely

Not to mention horny, too

You think I'm a nutcase?

I'm a nutcase just for you!

------

As long as Destro is shiny

As long as Serpentor is whiny

As long as the Cobra Commander's a mutant,

You better believe it

------

(Chorus)

That I would do anything for Red

I'd fly right in with my jet pack

I would do anything for Red

I'd get Cobra's bomb and throw it back

------

But I'll never do it better than I did it with your Mom

So long

So long

I would do anything for Red

I would do anything for Red

I would do anything for Red

But I won't do Jaye

No I won't do Jaye

------

I would do anything for Red

Anything she's got in her head

But I just won't do Jaye…

-------

But I'll never stop having

Wet dreams of you

Every night

No way

I would do anything for Red

I would do anything for Red

I would do anything for Red

But I won't do Jaye

No I won't do Jaye

------

SCARLETT

Will you risk your life

All through thick and thin?

Will you get me out of every little jam I get in?

Will you cherish me for all time?

-------

DUKE

I can do that

I can do that

-------

SCARLETT

Will you lose your voice?

Will your face turn to ash

As you rescue me from dying in a chopper crash?

Will you be my one true soul mate?

--------

DUKE

I can do that

I can do that

-------

SCARLETT

Will you talk with me

Be with me all the time

As you communicate your every wish with a sign

Will you be my scarred, mute lover?

-------

DUKE

I can do that

I can do that

--------

SCARLETT

When we're on our own, will you stay with me?

Will you take me to your cabin and then marry me?

Will you leave before our wedding

---------

DUKE

I can do that

I can do that

--------

SCARLETT

After a while, when we're no longer Joes

You'll be spending lots of time

With our fellow heroes

You'll get jealous of Flint, I just know it

--------

DUKE

I won't do Jaye

I won't do Jaye

--------

SCARLETT

I know how it is, I've lived many days

I've had my heart broken so many times, I can't say

Sooner or later, you'll be screwing Lady Jaye

---------

DUKE

I won't do Jaye

No, I won't do Jaye…

* * *

SCARLETT turns to SNAKE EYES, who has been standing next to her the whole time.

SCARLETT

Well how about it, Snake Eyes? Can YOU sing a romantic song to me that will top that?

SNAKE EYES

…

SCARLETT

Yeah, yeah, excuses, excuses. It's all about YOU, isn't it? Take a hike, bitch.

SCARLETT delivers a huge bitch slap to SNAKE EYES, before walking off with DUKE.

DUKE

Ready for the big ride, baby!

COVER GIRL approaches SNAKE EYES.

COVER GIRL

Poor Snake Eyes. I feel you, man. You got rejected by Scarlett. Well, I got rejected by Duke, and I had the biggest crush on him. We're just two lovelorn lonely hearts, aren't we?

SNAKE EYES

…

COVER GIRL

You know, I used to always think that the blond, blue eyed, all-American poster boys were my type. But I think I could get used to the strong, silent type.

COVER GIRL puts an arm around SNAKE EYES and leads him away.

COVER GIRL

You know, I've got a pretty good body, myself, and I'm a real firecracker in the sack. I'll make you forget all about that tramp Scarlett. Let's drown our sorrows together in a wild night of hot, unbridled passion, shall we?

THE END