His lordship Chaos' fanfic has been sponsored by: Goblin-Oh's, the
breakfast cereal that eats *you* like a meal! (now with slime, snails or
puppydog tails inside!)
His lordship Chaos presents:
BLACK BAT STRUT
1 Chapter the Fourth: The Obligatory Kissing Chapter
"Snuffles" had resurfaced, though when Lupin carefully asked if he'd found Harry yet, the dog shook its head and gave a most human-like scowl. "It's going to get even harder to locate Harry too," Lupin said, scanning the growing audience patiently clustering in front of the stage. He glanced down at the dog. "Keep at it, Sirius. You may have better luck finding Harry's scent than I would in catching a glimpse of his face. If I see or find anything, I'll send up a flare."
The large black dog nodded its head, then took off between the legs of a few dozen wizards and witches.
"It's going to become nothing short of a miracle if we can foil this," Lupin said gravely. He glanced down at the bat head peeking out from his jacket. "Yes?"
Malibu was flashing a fanged grin at the festival. "Impressive. Look at the crowds Shufflebump is attracting," he remarked. "Kind of makes me wish I was in a band again."
Lupin gave him the most incredulous look ever. "You? Sing?"
"Hey, I haven't lived seven centuries for nothing," Malibu huffed, indignant that he wasn't being believed. "There was a time where I was the most sought-after entertainer in all of Europe. Granted it's been a couple hundred years since I really worked on my voice. But at any rate, I'm still better than you, Remus. You can't even sing in the shower."
Lupin said nothing to that; he was watching the horizon. Soon enough the last bit of visible sun dipped beneath the darkened line. Almost instantly a series of torches and lanterns hung all around the festival grounds began to glow and shimmer. The area became almost as bright as it had been during the day, only now everything was being bathed in a very peaceful silver hue.
"You can come out now," Lupin announced to Malibu, reaching into his pocket and plucking out the bat.
Malibu spent a minute or so stretching his wings out, then make sure no one was looking while he transformed. In the blink of an eye, he was standing next to Lupin and dressed in one of the strangest Victorian-esque gowns Lupin had ever seen.
"There we go," Malibu said, adjusting the ruffles around his collar and the lace trims on at his cuffs. He quickly brushed the front of his red velvet jacket and struck a debonair pose. "Do I look nonchalant enough for the festival?"
One of Lupin's eyebrows went up. "Just how do you manage those costume changes, anyways?" he asked, scratching his head.
Malibu shrugged. "Long story. Have a few hours?"
"Definitely not. We've got perhaps a half hour left before Shufflebump is set to take the stage." Lupin tried taking in another sweeping view of the stage and the nearby booths and shops. "You said that the Death Eaters would be nearby to ensure there were no stragglers or escapees, right?"
"Yeah, pretty much," Malibu agreed. "That's what they said. Of course, they might have changed their plans after I showed up."
"They still think you're being tortured by McNair, if he hasn't already dispatched of you," Lupin countered. "As far as they're concerned, you've been taken care of. Odds are they're still proceeding as planned."
Malibu busied himself in putting his hair back in a ponytail, or as much of a ponytail as he could manage given its length. "So now what?"
Lupin turned to Malibu. "You try to locate Shufflebump. Try Hogsmeade if you can make it there fast enough; we've searched the festival at least half a dozen times already with no success."
"Gotcha. And yourself?"
Lupin's eyes slowly, suspiciously looked at some of the vendors of the nearby booths. "I'm willing to bet that if some of the Death Eaters aren't posing as random people in the crowd, then they've infiltrated the festival in other ways."
* * *
As the time for Shufflebump to appear grew closer, the crowds became restless. Many wizards and witches were excitedly sharing their own passions or memories of listening to Shufflebump's music. Others who'd already fallen under Shufflebump's notorious spell were living out an impromptu second honeymoon.
Ginny's own excitement was growing, but that was mainly because she was getting pushed closer to Harry. As it turned out, a large cluster of Hogwarts students had managed to secure a spot at the very front, so they had been able to join the group and get right next to the stage.
Unfortunately, this also put them right next to a few other more prominent, though less reputable wizards. "Well well," drawled Lucius Malfoy as he stared down at Harry and Ginny. "We meet again, do we, Potter? I didn't even know you enjoyed these sorts of things. Though you'd be out doing a bit more celebrity posing."
Ginny glared at Lucius and tried to think of any good insult she could throw at Lucius after he insulted Harry. (Grrrrrrr!)
Harry, though, failed to get riled up by Lucius' remark. "Read any good, forbidden diaries lately?" he scathingly inquired. He didn't even wait for the look of indignant anger to appear on Lucius' face. "Oh, that's right! You can't, not after I impaled the last one on a basilisk tooth!"
Lucius' hands balled into fists. He seemed perfectly ready to start a brawl right then and there, regardless of how many Hogwarts students would pounce on him if Harry was involved. But then he clutched at some degree of self- control, and sneered at Harry and the others. "Go ahead, boy, laugh all you want. But you'll find that all your fun and games will come to an end soon enough."
Lucius stormed off after that, elbowing his way through the crowds.
"He really needs to have his head examined," Hermione sighed.
"Yes, but that would require someone having to pull it out from his ass first," Ron agreed.
* * *
With five minutes left to go before Shufflebump's performance, Malibu had to admit he was at a loss for brainstorms. Even a braindrizzle or a mild shower would have been appreciated, but the vampire remained completely, totally stumped as to where Shufflebump's dressing rooms might be hiding. No one in Hogsmeade knew, or else if they did they weren't telling him.
"A bloody hour wasted," he muttered darkly to himself as he waded through the masses of wizards gathered at one of the lesser-known pubs. "Could have been there at the bar with a pint of frothyAB-Positive by now, but instead some stupid Dark Lord has to get some stupid bid for world domination in his head, and here I am wasting an hour of my time that could otherwise be spent with a pint!"
He let out a loud sigh…and then realised all this talk of frothy pints had really made him require the use of a bathroom. Feeling much drier and lighter after using the facilities, Malibu headed over to the sink to wash his hands.
After all, even the undead should wash their hands after using the bathroom!
There was an inherent advantage to using a bathroom mirror that never showed his reflection: while he was eternally paranoid about how well- groomed he looked, Malibu had come to rather enjoy always having and excellent view of a room through the mirror's reflection. He appraised the facilities—though there wasn't much to admire about the bathrooms of this tavern.
"Malibu, my friend," he said to his reflection that wasn't there. "You are getting too old for this. You should have retired to a beach in Acapulco long ago…if it wasn't for the fact an afternoon tan would render you into crispy vittles."
He pressed his palms on the counter and leaned forward, shaking his head. "Damn, it looks like we're going to lose. And now Voldemorte's going to turn everyone into his puppet minions, start a war, and probably win. This doesn't make for a decent children's story at all! Just what kind of a horrid, sadistic author is writing this fanfic anyways?"
Just then, he saw the reflection of two wizards dressed up as somewhat creepy-looking, gothic, porcelain dolls walk past him. Without taking note of Malibu, the wizards opened up one of the bathroom stalls and said "Toilet Duck." A secret passageway opened up in behind the toilet, and the two stepped into a hidden corridor.
Malibu glanced up at the bathroom ceiling and huffed: "Well it's about time. You writers and your stupid dramatic tension!"
He muttered "Toilet Duck", let the hidden passageway be revealed, then raced inside. Sure enough, he was in the secret dressing rooms reserved for Shufflebump. The only trick would be trying to figure out which member had been switched with a Death Eater.
As it turned out, discovering that answer was far easier than Malibu would have guessed. For standing there in his private dressing room, the door left wide open, was not Avery…but Lord Voldemorte himself in front of the mirror.
On a nearby table was a ruddy old suitcase with a sign taped on it: 'Warning: Portkey for Shufflebump. Will appear on stage if used. Do not touch until 8pm.'
Voldemorte was chuckling to himself, each laugh sounding like a hiss of air escaping his lungs, holding up a vial of what had to Polyjuice Potion. "And now," he stated dramatically, drinking the potion. "The curtain shall open on a new era, where I take my rightful position as Dark Lord."
"You know," Malibu remarked from the doorway. "With a face like that, you'd be better suited to play the Phantom of the Opera."
Voldemorte whirled, dropping his vial. His features were rapidly changing into a 40-something wizard with long silver hair and an impressive complexion given the age. Upon seeing an intruder, he dove for his wand, which was sitting on the dressing room table.
Malibu moved faster, snatching the wand from the table first. He tossed the wand over his shoulder. "Ha! You're not so big and scary when you don't have your…hey, who's your tailor? I love that outfit!"
Voldemorte beamed and displayed his own jacket of velvet red, complete with its series of frocks, lace cuffs and frilly collars. "Well, actually, I acquired this at an auction about twenty years ago. It was such a smashing ensemble, I simply had to have it. So I cursed the auctioneer, turned all the other bidders into mindless slaves and took it for myself."
"I do like the ruffles," Malibu agreed. "Though the craftsmanship on the coat-tails is stunning!"
"Yours isn't so bad either," Voldemorte said. "Slight alterations on the lapels, and a fabulous frock to accompany it! Might I have the name of the designer?"
Suddenly it occurred to both of them that perhaps now wasn't the best time to be trading fashion tips. Not to mention that disenchanted Muse dwarf in the tutu had also reappeared in front of the author, stating that the author would be stuffed into a potato sack and mailed to the Isle of Drear if an obligatory fight scene wasn't added here.
So naturally, a fight ensued.
"I thought one of your lackeys was supposed to be posing as a Shufflebump member," Malibu managed to say as he put Voldemorte in a headlock and gave the Dark Lord a noogie.
Voldemorte wriggled free, and the two began circling each other again. "You think I would let one of those idiots handle such a vital part of my plan? Nott was eaten by Nagini, my pet snake, months ago. I merely told the other Death Eaters about Nott to keep my own cover safe. A perfect ruse, wouldn't you agree? I am the only one who can perform such a high-level Imperius curse disguised as a love ballad."
With that, he kicked Malibu in the crotch. "And besides, everyone knows that I'm one of the best singers the magical realms ever produced."
Malibu's face contorted horribly, though not because he had just been kicked in his undead bahooglies. "You, a better singer than me?" he rasped. "Surely, you jest!"
Malibu then drew his arm back, and unleashed a dreaded double purple-nurple on Voldemorte. Given his current physical appearance, the Dark Lord let out a shout of C# that caused the dressing room mirror to rattle. Malibu then followed it up with a poke to the eyes. Voldemorte retaliated with a kick to the kneecap.
They toppled over, and amidst the scuffling on the floor Voldemorte's hands closed over his wand. He pointed it at Malibu's face, and at point blank range exclaimed, "Avada Kedavra!"
Malibu was struck instantly, his head snapping back, his eyes wide in surprise. Then he blinked, and tipped his head forward again. "Ow! That really hurt!"
Voldemorte was shocked to say the least. "But…but I just killed you!" he protested. "No fair! You should be dead!"
"I'm a vampire," Malibu said. "I'm already dead. What were you going to do, kill me twice?"
Voldemorte glanced down at his wand—his wooden wand—and then with a diabolically gleeful expression, he looked up at Malibu's chest. "That's the idea."
Certainly it was the idea, and it just might have worked had Malibu not head-butted Voldemorte…much to both their displeasure. "I thought only you were supposed to get the headache," Malibu groaned, trying to overcome a sudden surge of nausea as his temples throbbed.
Holding Voldemorte by the collar with one hand, Malibu reached back to grab the nearest blunt object he could find to bonk the Dark Lord over the head with. However, the nearest blunt thing he happened to grab was in fact the Portkey.
There was a look of triumph of Malibu's face was he yanked it towards Voldemorte, which quickly changed to surprise. "HA HA…ha?"
The two suddenly vanished.
* * *
And reappeared right in the centre of the concert stage. Their entrance was accompanied by dozens of flashy explosions and plumes of coloured smoke, and a rousing, earth-shaking cheer from the audience. Rather stunned by the ovation, Voldemorte and Malibu paused in their melee long enough to wave uncertainly at the crowds.
Ginny, of course, being right at the front of the stage, shouted, "Malibu?!"
The other Hgowarts students around her glanced down at her in surprise.
"So you know that guy?" Harry asked.
Ginny mutely nodded as she gawked at Malibu. "He…he's my pet—er, friend."
"Your what?"
"You're kidding!" Fred exclaimed. "Ginny, you know the lead singer for Shufflebump? Mum'll want you to get their autographs for sure."
George added, "She could supply us with a few hundred too. How much do you think signed photos would go for if we sold them?"
The initial applause from Voldemorte and Malibu's entrance was starting to die down, and now many of the wizards and witches were somewhat confused by there apparently being two lead singers and no rest-of-the-band to go with them. Plus the two guys onstage didn't seem to know what they were doing.
Voldemorte was swift to take the initiative, shoving Malibu aside and performing a Sonorus charm on his wand. A second chorus of cheers and screams of "I love you, Rufius!" abounded as he strolled to the front of the stage. Looking and sounding like the lead singer, no one in the audience had reason to fear or flee.
"Ladies and gentlemen, wizards and witches, distinguished guests and long- time fans," he drawled in Rufius' voice, gesturing to the crowd. "We welcome you all to the celebration of Hogsmeade's seven hundred and fourty- second anniversary!"
Loud cheers and foot-stomping abounded.
Voldemorte couldn't help but grin maniacally at his legions of unsuspecting victims. "You've all eaten and drank, danced and laughed, but that was merely a warm-up. Let's start the real celebrating now, shall we?"
Suddenly four more people appeared on the stage, accompanied by their own series of flares and bursts of coloured smoke. Malibu scrambled backwards on his hands and feet like a crab as a vast assortment of musical instruments apparated out of nowhere, the back leg of a grand piano nearly crushing his ribcage.
He turned and glared at Voldemorte.
The Dark Lord smirked and lowered his wand so no one else could hear but Malibu. "Only Rufius, the lead singer, couldn't apparate. The rest of the band doesn't need a Portkey. You should be flattered, vampire; you get front-row seats to witnessing my first great victory!"
Before Malibu had the chance to say or do anything, Voldemorte spun around and began to belt out the first verse of a Shufflebump classic, 'The Ballad of Clive Cthulhu and the Wayward Welsh Greens.' The rest of the band, all acting under the Imperius curse, joined in with their instruments and voices. Half the crowed began to sing along with the music, while the rest were simply content to stand and listen.
Malibu slowly rose to his feet. "Tu madre," he muttered under his breath, tugging at the lapels of his jacket. "Don't underestimate this vampire, snake-boy."
The hairs on the back of his neck started to prick up.
Malibu's eyes widened as he started to feel the trappings of an Imperius curse be woven all around him. Being undead, he was more sensitive to a sort of "scent" of magic than even most wizards. The air was becoming saturated with the Imperius curse, and as he gazed out to the crowds, Malibu could see many swaying hypnotically to the music.
"Doesn't waste any time, does he," he growled, glaring at Voldemorte's back. He cracked his knuckles. "Well, I've got one way to disrupt this song…."
He charged towards Voldemorte, arm coiled back and ready to unleash a punch. However, three steps from Voldemorte, Malibu struck a barrier. The subsequent jolt felt like he had hit an electric fence, and Malibu was thrown backwards.
No one in the audience seemed to notice or care, too entranced by the Imperius curse register that something was inherently wrong onstage. However, two people did come to Malibu's aid. Elbowing his way through the near-catatonic people Lupin leapt onto the stage, "Snuffles" right behind him.
"Grab something, anything!" Lupin shouted, pointing at the various instruments strewn about the stage. "We've got to counteract his Imperius curse before the entire festival is enslaved!"
"And how do you propose to do that?" Malibu shouted back.
Lupin responded by tapping the tip of his wand, saying "Sonorus" and then tossing it to Malibu. "You keep telling me how good a singer you are, Malibu, now's certainly the time to prove it. Sing anything!"
Malibu caught the wand, glanced down at it and pondered its existence quite deeply. Then he turned to the enormous crowd awaiting them. Malibu drew in a deep breath. "Okay, guys, watch me for the changes and, uh…try to keep up!"
Malibu whirled to the stage, striking his best suave pose and into the wand crooned, "Hubba hubba zoot zoot! Eda hobba zud zud, a num num!"
"Let me rephrase," came Lupin's voice behind him. "Sing anything but that."
* * *
Meanwhile, Ginny was oblivious to anything that might have been happening on the stage. In fact, the stage was just a distant, foggy memory she didn't really care to try and recall in the first place. If this was what Shufflebump was known for, then she never wanted to leave this performance.
Her fears and worries about Harry were gone. There were no more rampant blushings. All that she knew was this warm, sweet voice telling her to submit. Just submit, and it would be the most wonderful feeling in the world. All she had to do was follow what the voice said, and it would be bliss. Ginny's eyelids closed, her eyes rolling back into their sockets.
A quiet buzzing noise that sounded oddly like, "Ginny! Ginny!" was echoing somewhere in the back of her mind, but she didn't care. She was going to submit. She was going to follow Shufflebump to the ends of the earth. They deserved her loyalty. They had earned her undying devotion.
"Ginny, wake up! Snap out of it!"
That annoying voice again. Why couldn't it just stop and leave her be? She liked it here. She liked basking in the warmth of this voice. Ginny felt like she was floating in an ocean of charismatic smiles and serpentine whispers of destruction. What better things were there in this world than serving those desires of her masters? She would sacrifice everything, even herself, for…for…not for Shufflebump, she suddenly realised. Someone else deserved her allegiance.
Her Dark Lord. Everything was for him.
Suddenly, she felt Harry kiss her. Hard.
(BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!!!!)
The euphoric daze shattered into a hundred pieces and came crashing down inside her mind. Ginny's eyes widened, her dilated pupils refocusing as she realized that Harry's lips were pressed right against hers. There was an obvious moment of shock, followed by disbelief, happiness, and the question of whether or not now was an appropriate time to make use of her tongue.
However, Harry broke off the kiss and stepped back. "You back to normal again, Ginny?"
Her face flustered beyond compare, Ginny nodded. Then it occurred to her that she had in fact not been normal a few seconds ago. Something about pledging her devotion to somebody. A Dark Lord or something like that….
Ginny pressed a palm against her forehead, desperate to remember. "What happened?"
"You were nearly sucked in by an Imperius curse," Harry answered. "Someone's trying to cast it on everyone here at the festival."
"But how did you--?"
"I've had this done to me before," Harry quickly replied, scanning the stage. "Last year, when he was Mad-Eyed Moody, Crouch made sure I could resist Imperius curses. Even still, what he tried to cast on me was nothing compared to this. I almost didn't make it."
A chill ran down Ginny's spine, all the romance of the moment drained away. "Who would do such a thing?" she whispered.
Harry shook his head as they surveyed the stage. Shufflebump was performing to a (literally) mesmerized crowd. But in the back left of the dais, a peculiar trio was in the midst of their own performance. Lupin was on the piano, with "Snuffles" banging away a rhythm on the drum set, and Malibu belting out whatever lyrics happened to come into his head at the time. Currently it was a fast-tempo, hard-rock tune called 'Speciesaurus.'
"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed, forgetting all pretences of secrecy. "And Lupin too!"
"Malibu," Ginny said, seeing the vampire for the first time again. "They're trying to block Shufflebump's Imperius curse!"
Harry's eyes narrowed as he took one look at the lead singer, and his scar began to sting. "That's not Shufflebump's curse," he stated. "That's Voldemorte on the stage. We've got to stop him!"
"How?" Ginny asked.
Harry gave no verbal response. He climbed onto the stage and wasted no time in pulling Ginny up after him, the both of them racing in behind Voldemorte (who was still concentrating on his spell) to Lupin.
"Harry, good to see you!" Lupin exclaimed. His fingers were dancing all across the piano keys, and Harry was amazed at his former professor's dexterity. "We're trying to disrupt the Imperius curse by drowning out You- Know-Who's sound. The more they tune into us, the less they'll be influenced by the Imperius."
"Leave him to me," Harry said, stepping towards Voldemorte.
Ginny panicked at the thought of Harry going up against someone like the Dark Lord, and grabbed at his shoulder. "Harry, you can't! He might kill you!"
"He's got a barrier around him, Harry," Lupin said, going into a quick trill. "By the time we break it, we'll be too late!"
"Okay, so then what do we do?" Harry snapped.
"The bongos, Harry!" Malibu exclaimed, gesturing to an eight-set of bongo drums. "Go for the bongos! And take it down an octave, Lupin; I can't sing as high as you're playing!"
Not entirely sure what they were doing, or if it would succeed, Harry and Ginny found their own musical contributions to add to Malibu's peculiar lyrics. Harry took to the bongo drums, while Ginny hazarded picking up a harp and plucked randomly at the strings.
Malibu sang out the lyrics to a current magical realm favourite: 'Frisk Me Love Me Cookie.'
With the added instruments, Malibu and the others were soon putting holes in Voldemorte's otherwise flawless curse. Numerous wizards and witches were starting to blink and shake their heads as if coming out of an unexpected nap. Some started to sway to Malibu's beat. And many spectators were exclaiming, "Wow, can that dog play a mean drum set!"
"It's working!" Lupin shouted over the music. "Keep singing, Malibu!"
However, Voldemorte noticed how his hold on the audience was beginning to slip. He glanced back over his shoulder and shot his opponents an enraged look. Then he turned to Shufflebump, and made a gesture with his arm. Their current slow-paced song came to an abrupt end, and Shufflebump picked up the tempo with an infectious, upbeat melody. To that, Voldemorte began to sing even louder into his wand, projecting an even more powerful Imperius curse through his lyrics.
The eyes of most of the crowd began to glaze over again.
"Malibu!" Ginny exclaimed, fear creeping into her system as she saw her friends and siblings slide back under Voldemorte's control.
"I'm trying!" Malibu said. "But Shufflebump's playing 'Fuzzbox Voodoo & The Paranoia Groove'—their number one hit ever! I can't compete, not even with a song like 'Eat My Acromantula'!"
The Death Eaters, fully garbed in their robes and masks, were beginning to filter into the edges of the audience. With their Dark Lord almost assured victory now, they were making their presence known and checking to ensure that no one was overcoming the effects of the Imperius. A few Stupefy and Crucio curses were unleashed as some non-compliant mages tried to resist and fight back.
"If those Death Eaters make it to the stage, we're going to have our hands full just fending them off," Harry said, going into a quick, manic bongo solo.
Ginny continued to pluck out a tune on the harp that somewhat matched what was being played by the others. "I don't want to become a Death Eater," she said quietly.
"Oh, I don't think we have to worry," Malibu remarked, tapping one foot as he let Lupin go into a piano solo. "Given our interference here, You-Know- Who's more liable to messily torture us and then kill us rather than turn us into subservient drones."
Voldemorte turned around and flashed them all a dark, vicious smile. "You're not going to win this," he laughed. "There's nothing in the world that can save you now."
Suddenly, a loud ball of green smoke exploded on the stage, and there stood Dumbledore, dressed up in an outlandish silver-sequined robe and wizard's hat, a pair of flashy and enormous gold sunglasses over his eyes. Malibu stared dumbfounded at the Hogwarts Headmaster…and then stared down at the enchanted electric guitar in Dumbledore's hands.
"Okaaaaaaaaay."
Dumbledore winked at his friends. "I had a feeling this might happen after I received Remus' letter," he remarked. "Mind if I jam with you?"
Not entirely certain just how Dumbledore knew how to use a slang term like 'jam', Malibu nodded. "Uh…sure."
Dumbledore drew out from his robes a guitar pick and then generated an incredible series of riffs that echoed across the fairgrounds. The effect was instantaneous: his enchanted guitar (no plug-ins or amps required) drowned out Shufflebump, and startled over half the audience out of the Imperius curse.
Voldemorte whirled, glaring at Dumbledore.
Dumbledore just smirked. "Oh, I also hope you don't mind," he added over his shoulder to Harry and the others. "But I decided to bring a few of my friends in for this."
As if on cue, three more explosive plumes of green smoke erupted onto the stage, and there standing next to Lupin's grand piano were Hagrid on the saxophone, Mundungus Fletcher on an enchanted bass guitar, and Arabella Fig as a back-up singer, holding her own Sonorus-enchanted wand. She smiled and quickly gestured for Ginny to join her.
"Now then," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling…or was it just the glitter on his shades that was doing all the twinkling? Anyhoo, Dumbledore strummed another series if riffs, and nodded for Malibu to sing.
Malibu grinned, and began to croon one of his own all-time favourite songs: 'Karaoke Vicious' by the illustrious yet enigmatic solo artist, Mr. Incognito.
What followed was quite possibly the most infamous and popular battle of the bands to ever take place in the world of magic. Not to be outdone, Voldemorte signalled for Shufflebump to change songs, the band switching to 'The Merry Melancholy Mix.'
When it appeared that the audience was starting to fall back under the Imperius curse, Dumbledore called out for Malibu to switch. Malibu in turn did an amazing cover of 'Lickalicious', with Ginny and Arabella surprising everyone with their fantastic choral voices. Shortly thereafter, Voldemorte and Shufflebump went to 'Sandsprawl', forcing Malibu and the others to switch to 'The Rune-Wyrm Goes Down To Denmark.' Then came 'Hard-Pressed and Heart-Broken' from Voldemorte and Shufflebump, countered by 'Sorceress Sunset' from Malibu and Dumbeldore.
In the end, it came down to the wire between two songs: Voldemorte had Shufflebump play the tear-jerking 'Magical Miseria'; Malibu signalled for the others to play the incredibly complex song, 'Mauvecado.' For two verses, the two bands seemed evenly-matched, with the crowds half under the Imperius, half free from it.
Then Hagrid performed an incredible saxophone solo, with Harry picking up on the bongos and Lupin joining in on the piano. From there, "Snuffles", Dumbledore and Mungdungus added their sounds, and Ginny & Arabella giving all their voices could. And for the rousing finale, Malibu topped it off with by holding a two minute-long note, effectively impressing the entire audience…and turning his face blue from holding his breath for that length of time.
Voldemorte's Imperius curse crumbled, so much so that the Shufflebump members awoke from its control and stopped playing altogether. And the crowd went nothing short of wild, stomping their feet, clapping their hands and letting out a cheer that startled all the owls in Hogwart's owlery. Sensing their defeat, the Death Eaters turned and fled. Most were caught by the more experienced wizards and witches who had begun to realise what was going on during this rather unorthodox performance.
Voldemorte turned and let out an enraged, incoherent shout at Dumbledore's troupe. He swept his cloak around him, and in a fury disapparated from the stage.
This event unto itself triggered thundering applause and cheers that took what felt like forever to die down. Many of the Gryffindors clamoured onto the stage, congratulating Harry, Ginny, Hagrid, Lupin and Dumbledore on their fantastic show. "Snuffles" found himself beset by a group of wizards marvelling at his canine skill, and a group of little witches who thought the doggie on the drums was adorable to no end. The somewhat bewildered Shufflebump band members were besieged by fans wanting autographs. Even the otherwise unfamiliar faces of Arabella and Mungdungus were met with legions of compliments and warm embraces.
And as for Malibu…he accidentally got pushed off the stage by some over- excited Gryffindors, and wound up body-surfing the enthusiastic crowd.
* * *
Three days later, life at Hogwarts and Hogsmeade had yet to calm down. The subsequent rave reviews from the visiting Daily Prophet reporters, and word- of-mouth generated by all the first-hand spectators had generated a veritable juggernaut of publicity. The captured Death Eaters had led to a string of interrogations and arrests of Voldemorte's supporters—something Fudge, the Minister of Magic, was quick to take credit for.
Meanwhile, Hogsmeade was beset by dozens of sponsors and hopeful wizarding bands asking for spots in next year's festival. Shufflebump's popularity skyrocketed higher than ever before, which was amusing since the band members, now minus their lead singer, had to have the entire incident explained to them.
Everyone now wanted to attend Hagrid's Care of Magical Creatures class, just to ask him about his saxophone playing. He was also getting a lot of unexpected visits from students after classes, which made him grin from ear to ear.
Lupin had made a point of disappearing into obscurity, given the secrecy required for his current line of work. A number of people noticed his auspicious absence, but couldn't track him down. As a result, the mystery behind the impressive piano player gave way to all sorts of theories—Lupin was a secret agent working for the Ministry of Mystery; Lupin was a Patronus of some kind; Lupin was an ancient and powerful wizard who only showed up in times of great danger; and so forth.
Arabella Fig and Mungdungus Fletcher also managed to quietly slip away unnoticed, returning to Dumbledore's private employ as undercover guardians and agents.
Dumbledore took all his popularity in stride, using his sudden fame and fandom to make a few specific demands to the Ministry of Magic. Namely, demands that put precautionary measures into place to further prevent Voldemorte from gaining anymore power—such as open negotiations with the giants and removing the Dementors from Azkaban. Fudge grudgingly acquiesced.
A whole new line of stuffed animals and toys featuring "Snuffles" and his drum set appeared almost overnight, much to Sirius' disbelief and displeasure. There were even rumours of a new series of children's storybooks being created: "The Adventures of Snuffles." Sirius just snorted indignantly whenever he heard mention of his canine alter-ego. He did, however, give Harry a signed "Snuffles" plushie.
Harry and Ginny had to contend with unprecedented celebrity statuses after giving their own accounts of the festival to the authorities. Having been swamped like this before, Harry was able to take most of it in stride, and avoid his newest legions of devoted fans—especially Draco, who had started up the official 'I Luv Harry' club and was its president and Member #001.
Ginny, on the other hand, was bewildered by the fact that all sorts of girls were admiring her, vying for her autograph, following her around, and asking her what it was like dating Harry. (Blush!) Not to mention dozens of boys were trying to ask her out and fawning all over her.
She had to take to being escourted to classes by Fred & George, whose clever pranks and gag food were able to keep most other students at bay and ensured she could arrive on time. The relative obscurity she had existed in before all this was something Ginny suddenly missed. To calm down, she took to a lot of late-night walks through the corridors, sometimes going hand in hand with Harry, sometimes by herself.
Malibu popped up one night during her walks, about a week after the Hogsmeade festival. "Miss me?" he asked, flashing her a fanged grin.
Ginny laughed and raced towards him…bowling Malibu over in the process too as she hugged him. "Malibu! I didn't see you after the festival; what's happened to you?"
"Long story. You have a few hours to spare?"
Ginny nodded. "It's almost curfew, but we can probably avoid Mrs. Norris and Filch."
"That's the spirit!" Malibu agreed. "Now then, where to begin?"
They spent the next few hours wandering corridors that saw very little traffic ever. Malibu told of how he had been caught and interrogated by McNair, and how he was questioned by the Ministry of Magic after the festival. He didn't mention to Ginny how he had to carefully tailor his account to avoid a few secrets that might reveal his true profession. Yet he was in the public and Dumbledore's good graces, so the Ministry really had no problems with a few odd parts of his testimony.
"What are you going to do now?" Ginny asked.
Malibu sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "I can't go back to my old line of work, that's for sure. My face and description has been plastered all over the magical world, so now everyone knows who I am and what I look like."
Oddly enough, a look of hope appeared on Ginny's face. "So…does that mean you can stay here with us? I don't think my Mum and Dad would have a problem if you lived with us in the summer, and my brothers really like you. You could stay here for the rest of the year and—"
With a gentle smile, Malibu rested a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. "Afraid I can't do that either. It's a temping offer, but you have your own life to live. Besides, from what I hear, you'd be spending more time with Harry than with me."
Ginny beamed, her face going red again.
"Anyways, I should probably get going," Malibu said. "I just wanted to come here and see how you were doing before I left."
"Will I be able to see you again?" Ginny asked.
Malibu smiled. "Of course! You can't get rid of a vampire that easily, let alone this one! You'll see me around, I'm sure. I'll write too. And I'll make a point of visiting you next semester. Sound like a plan?"
Ginny hugged Malibu again, then added, "I'm sorry about yelling at you in Potions class."
"Nah, it's cool," Malibu said, waving it aside. "Water under the bridge. You just have a good year, and be sure to visit me sometime during the summer."
"Deal," Ginny agreed.
* * *
A month later, Malibu walked into a dressing room located somewhere in London. The four remaining members of Shufflebump were already getting prepped for the first performance of their latest world tour.
The real Rufius had yet to be found after Voldemorte's disappearance. It was presumed by virtually everyone that he had been killed before Voldemorte took his place. Of course, this was a considerable problem for Shufflebump, whose popularity was at its highest ever—yet now their lead singer was gone.
Of course, they did find an unexpected, and equally popular & adept replacement. Namely, Malibu the vampire.
Malibu put on his red velvet jacket, adjusted the ruffles around his cuffs and collar, and made sure his coat-tails were straightened out. A wand with a Sonorus charm on it in his hand, He grinned at his new band members and reached for a Portkey. "Shall we?"
A few seconds later, the five members of Shufflebump appeared onstage before a sold-out crowd…and a few would-be vampire hunters, but since their aim was really off, there's no real point in mentioning them any further.
END.
(You can go home now)
Author's Note: Help! I've been kidnapped by pixies, who are putting my hair into pigtails & burettes, and are ransoming me off for…let me see if I get this straight: 'the screwdriver is hungry and the butterfly who runs around my tummy. When the sacred cows roost in the living room, a carpet of platypus cookies skips happily to school. Beef? Beef sirloin?'
(Author's Mental Note: never get ransomed off by magical beings who are completely unintelligible to everything else on this planet)
Obligatory Disclaimer bit: Harry Potter and all its related characters, spells, locations animals, monsters, et all, carpe diem and ipso facto are the property of J.K. Rowling, and should thusly be credited to her. With the exception of Malibu the vampire; I'm not sure anyone would want to take credit for bringing him into this world….
"Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot" comes courtesy of Caramba (those wacky Norweigans!). Curious Muggles may also search for "Jinnai & the Bugrom Live" if they really crave a fantastic performance piece.
METMA Mandy and her challenge comes courtesy of the letters H, P and the number 28. Check out her website at: www.geocities.com/metmamandy/ and discover how no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Comments, praises, bribes or Howlers can be owl-mailed to: hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
His lordship Chaos presents:
BLACK BAT STRUT
1 Chapter the Fourth: The Obligatory Kissing Chapter
"Snuffles" had resurfaced, though when Lupin carefully asked if he'd found Harry yet, the dog shook its head and gave a most human-like scowl. "It's going to get even harder to locate Harry too," Lupin said, scanning the growing audience patiently clustering in front of the stage. He glanced down at the dog. "Keep at it, Sirius. You may have better luck finding Harry's scent than I would in catching a glimpse of his face. If I see or find anything, I'll send up a flare."
The large black dog nodded its head, then took off between the legs of a few dozen wizards and witches.
"It's going to become nothing short of a miracle if we can foil this," Lupin said gravely. He glanced down at the bat head peeking out from his jacket. "Yes?"
Malibu was flashing a fanged grin at the festival. "Impressive. Look at the crowds Shufflebump is attracting," he remarked. "Kind of makes me wish I was in a band again."
Lupin gave him the most incredulous look ever. "You? Sing?"
"Hey, I haven't lived seven centuries for nothing," Malibu huffed, indignant that he wasn't being believed. "There was a time where I was the most sought-after entertainer in all of Europe. Granted it's been a couple hundred years since I really worked on my voice. But at any rate, I'm still better than you, Remus. You can't even sing in the shower."
Lupin said nothing to that; he was watching the horizon. Soon enough the last bit of visible sun dipped beneath the darkened line. Almost instantly a series of torches and lanterns hung all around the festival grounds began to glow and shimmer. The area became almost as bright as it had been during the day, only now everything was being bathed in a very peaceful silver hue.
"You can come out now," Lupin announced to Malibu, reaching into his pocket and plucking out the bat.
Malibu spent a minute or so stretching his wings out, then make sure no one was looking while he transformed. In the blink of an eye, he was standing next to Lupin and dressed in one of the strangest Victorian-esque gowns Lupin had ever seen.
"There we go," Malibu said, adjusting the ruffles around his collar and the lace trims on at his cuffs. He quickly brushed the front of his red velvet jacket and struck a debonair pose. "Do I look nonchalant enough for the festival?"
One of Lupin's eyebrows went up. "Just how do you manage those costume changes, anyways?" he asked, scratching his head.
Malibu shrugged. "Long story. Have a few hours?"
"Definitely not. We've got perhaps a half hour left before Shufflebump is set to take the stage." Lupin tried taking in another sweeping view of the stage and the nearby booths and shops. "You said that the Death Eaters would be nearby to ensure there were no stragglers or escapees, right?"
"Yeah, pretty much," Malibu agreed. "That's what they said. Of course, they might have changed their plans after I showed up."
"They still think you're being tortured by McNair, if he hasn't already dispatched of you," Lupin countered. "As far as they're concerned, you've been taken care of. Odds are they're still proceeding as planned."
Malibu busied himself in putting his hair back in a ponytail, or as much of a ponytail as he could manage given its length. "So now what?"
Lupin turned to Malibu. "You try to locate Shufflebump. Try Hogsmeade if you can make it there fast enough; we've searched the festival at least half a dozen times already with no success."
"Gotcha. And yourself?"
Lupin's eyes slowly, suspiciously looked at some of the vendors of the nearby booths. "I'm willing to bet that if some of the Death Eaters aren't posing as random people in the crowd, then they've infiltrated the festival in other ways."
* * *
As the time for Shufflebump to appear grew closer, the crowds became restless. Many wizards and witches were excitedly sharing their own passions or memories of listening to Shufflebump's music. Others who'd already fallen under Shufflebump's notorious spell were living out an impromptu second honeymoon.
Ginny's own excitement was growing, but that was mainly because she was getting pushed closer to Harry. As it turned out, a large cluster of Hogwarts students had managed to secure a spot at the very front, so they had been able to join the group and get right next to the stage.
Unfortunately, this also put them right next to a few other more prominent, though less reputable wizards. "Well well," drawled Lucius Malfoy as he stared down at Harry and Ginny. "We meet again, do we, Potter? I didn't even know you enjoyed these sorts of things. Though you'd be out doing a bit more celebrity posing."
Ginny glared at Lucius and tried to think of any good insult she could throw at Lucius after he insulted Harry. (Grrrrrrr!)
Harry, though, failed to get riled up by Lucius' remark. "Read any good, forbidden diaries lately?" he scathingly inquired. He didn't even wait for the look of indignant anger to appear on Lucius' face. "Oh, that's right! You can't, not after I impaled the last one on a basilisk tooth!"
Lucius' hands balled into fists. He seemed perfectly ready to start a brawl right then and there, regardless of how many Hogwarts students would pounce on him if Harry was involved. But then he clutched at some degree of self- control, and sneered at Harry and the others. "Go ahead, boy, laugh all you want. But you'll find that all your fun and games will come to an end soon enough."
Lucius stormed off after that, elbowing his way through the crowds.
"He really needs to have his head examined," Hermione sighed.
"Yes, but that would require someone having to pull it out from his ass first," Ron agreed.
* * *
With five minutes left to go before Shufflebump's performance, Malibu had to admit he was at a loss for brainstorms. Even a braindrizzle or a mild shower would have been appreciated, but the vampire remained completely, totally stumped as to where Shufflebump's dressing rooms might be hiding. No one in Hogsmeade knew, or else if they did they weren't telling him.
"A bloody hour wasted," he muttered darkly to himself as he waded through the masses of wizards gathered at one of the lesser-known pubs. "Could have been there at the bar with a pint of frothyAB-Positive by now, but instead some stupid Dark Lord has to get some stupid bid for world domination in his head, and here I am wasting an hour of my time that could otherwise be spent with a pint!"
He let out a loud sigh…and then realised all this talk of frothy pints had really made him require the use of a bathroom. Feeling much drier and lighter after using the facilities, Malibu headed over to the sink to wash his hands.
After all, even the undead should wash their hands after using the bathroom!
There was an inherent advantage to using a bathroom mirror that never showed his reflection: while he was eternally paranoid about how well- groomed he looked, Malibu had come to rather enjoy always having and excellent view of a room through the mirror's reflection. He appraised the facilities—though there wasn't much to admire about the bathrooms of this tavern.
"Malibu, my friend," he said to his reflection that wasn't there. "You are getting too old for this. You should have retired to a beach in Acapulco long ago…if it wasn't for the fact an afternoon tan would render you into crispy vittles."
He pressed his palms on the counter and leaned forward, shaking his head. "Damn, it looks like we're going to lose. And now Voldemorte's going to turn everyone into his puppet minions, start a war, and probably win. This doesn't make for a decent children's story at all! Just what kind of a horrid, sadistic author is writing this fanfic anyways?"
Just then, he saw the reflection of two wizards dressed up as somewhat creepy-looking, gothic, porcelain dolls walk past him. Without taking note of Malibu, the wizards opened up one of the bathroom stalls and said "Toilet Duck." A secret passageway opened up in behind the toilet, and the two stepped into a hidden corridor.
Malibu glanced up at the bathroom ceiling and huffed: "Well it's about time. You writers and your stupid dramatic tension!"
He muttered "Toilet Duck", let the hidden passageway be revealed, then raced inside. Sure enough, he was in the secret dressing rooms reserved for Shufflebump. The only trick would be trying to figure out which member had been switched with a Death Eater.
As it turned out, discovering that answer was far easier than Malibu would have guessed. For standing there in his private dressing room, the door left wide open, was not Avery…but Lord Voldemorte himself in front of the mirror.
On a nearby table was a ruddy old suitcase with a sign taped on it: 'Warning: Portkey for Shufflebump. Will appear on stage if used. Do not touch until 8pm.'
Voldemorte was chuckling to himself, each laugh sounding like a hiss of air escaping his lungs, holding up a vial of what had to Polyjuice Potion. "And now," he stated dramatically, drinking the potion. "The curtain shall open on a new era, where I take my rightful position as Dark Lord."
"You know," Malibu remarked from the doorway. "With a face like that, you'd be better suited to play the Phantom of the Opera."
Voldemorte whirled, dropping his vial. His features were rapidly changing into a 40-something wizard with long silver hair and an impressive complexion given the age. Upon seeing an intruder, he dove for his wand, which was sitting on the dressing room table.
Malibu moved faster, snatching the wand from the table first. He tossed the wand over his shoulder. "Ha! You're not so big and scary when you don't have your…hey, who's your tailor? I love that outfit!"
Voldemorte beamed and displayed his own jacket of velvet red, complete with its series of frocks, lace cuffs and frilly collars. "Well, actually, I acquired this at an auction about twenty years ago. It was such a smashing ensemble, I simply had to have it. So I cursed the auctioneer, turned all the other bidders into mindless slaves and took it for myself."
"I do like the ruffles," Malibu agreed. "Though the craftsmanship on the coat-tails is stunning!"
"Yours isn't so bad either," Voldemorte said. "Slight alterations on the lapels, and a fabulous frock to accompany it! Might I have the name of the designer?"
Suddenly it occurred to both of them that perhaps now wasn't the best time to be trading fashion tips. Not to mention that disenchanted Muse dwarf in the tutu had also reappeared in front of the author, stating that the author would be stuffed into a potato sack and mailed to the Isle of Drear if an obligatory fight scene wasn't added here.
So naturally, a fight ensued.
"I thought one of your lackeys was supposed to be posing as a Shufflebump member," Malibu managed to say as he put Voldemorte in a headlock and gave the Dark Lord a noogie.
Voldemorte wriggled free, and the two began circling each other again. "You think I would let one of those idiots handle such a vital part of my plan? Nott was eaten by Nagini, my pet snake, months ago. I merely told the other Death Eaters about Nott to keep my own cover safe. A perfect ruse, wouldn't you agree? I am the only one who can perform such a high-level Imperius curse disguised as a love ballad."
With that, he kicked Malibu in the crotch. "And besides, everyone knows that I'm one of the best singers the magical realms ever produced."
Malibu's face contorted horribly, though not because he had just been kicked in his undead bahooglies. "You, a better singer than me?" he rasped. "Surely, you jest!"
Malibu then drew his arm back, and unleashed a dreaded double purple-nurple on Voldemorte. Given his current physical appearance, the Dark Lord let out a shout of C# that caused the dressing room mirror to rattle. Malibu then followed it up with a poke to the eyes. Voldemorte retaliated with a kick to the kneecap.
They toppled over, and amidst the scuffling on the floor Voldemorte's hands closed over his wand. He pointed it at Malibu's face, and at point blank range exclaimed, "Avada Kedavra!"
Malibu was struck instantly, his head snapping back, his eyes wide in surprise. Then he blinked, and tipped his head forward again. "Ow! That really hurt!"
Voldemorte was shocked to say the least. "But…but I just killed you!" he protested. "No fair! You should be dead!"
"I'm a vampire," Malibu said. "I'm already dead. What were you going to do, kill me twice?"
Voldemorte glanced down at his wand—his wooden wand—and then with a diabolically gleeful expression, he looked up at Malibu's chest. "That's the idea."
Certainly it was the idea, and it just might have worked had Malibu not head-butted Voldemorte…much to both their displeasure. "I thought only you were supposed to get the headache," Malibu groaned, trying to overcome a sudden surge of nausea as his temples throbbed.
Holding Voldemorte by the collar with one hand, Malibu reached back to grab the nearest blunt object he could find to bonk the Dark Lord over the head with. However, the nearest blunt thing he happened to grab was in fact the Portkey.
There was a look of triumph of Malibu's face was he yanked it towards Voldemorte, which quickly changed to surprise. "HA HA…ha?"
The two suddenly vanished.
* * *
And reappeared right in the centre of the concert stage. Their entrance was accompanied by dozens of flashy explosions and plumes of coloured smoke, and a rousing, earth-shaking cheer from the audience. Rather stunned by the ovation, Voldemorte and Malibu paused in their melee long enough to wave uncertainly at the crowds.
Ginny, of course, being right at the front of the stage, shouted, "Malibu?!"
The other Hgowarts students around her glanced down at her in surprise.
"So you know that guy?" Harry asked.
Ginny mutely nodded as she gawked at Malibu. "He…he's my pet—er, friend."
"Your what?"
"You're kidding!" Fred exclaimed. "Ginny, you know the lead singer for Shufflebump? Mum'll want you to get their autographs for sure."
George added, "She could supply us with a few hundred too. How much do you think signed photos would go for if we sold them?"
The initial applause from Voldemorte and Malibu's entrance was starting to die down, and now many of the wizards and witches were somewhat confused by there apparently being two lead singers and no rest-of-the-band to go with them. Plus the two guys onstage didn't seem to know what they were doing.
Voldemorte was swift to take the initiative, shoving Malibu aside and performing a Sonorus charm on his wand. A second chorus of cheers and screams of "I love you, Rufius!" abounded as he strolled to the front of the stage. Looking and sounding like the lead singer, no one in the audience had reason to fear or flee.
"Ladies and gentlemen, wizards and witches, distinguished guests and long- time fans," he drawled in Rufius' voice, gesturing to the crowd. "We welcome you all to the celebration of Hogsmeade's seven hundred and fourty- second anniversary!"
Loud cheers and foot-stomping abounded.
Voldemorte couldn't help but grin maniacally at his legions of unsuspecting victims. "You've all eaten and drank, danced and laughed, but that was merely a warm-up. Let's start the real celebrating now, shall we?"
Suddenly four more people appeared on the stage, accompanied by their own series of flares and bursts of coloured smoke. Malibu scrambled backwards on his hands and feet like a crab as a vast assortment of musical instruments apparated out of nowhere, the back leg of a grand piano nearly crushing his ribcage.
He turned and glared at Voldemorte.
The Dark Lord smirked and lowered his wand so no one else could hear but Malibu. "Only Rufius, the lead singer, couldn't apparate. The rest of the band doesn't need a Portkey. You should be flattered, vampire; you get front-row seats to witnessing my first great victory!"
Before Malibu had the chance to say or do anything, Voldemorte spun around and began to belt out the first verse of a Shufflebump classic, 'The Ballad of Clive Cthulhu and the Wayward Welsh Greens.' The rest of the band, all acting under the Imperius curse, joined in with their instruments and voices. Half the crowed began to sing along with the music, while the rest were simply content to stand and listen.
Malibu slowly rose to his feet. "Tu madre," he muttered under his breath, tugging at the lapels of his jacket. "Don't underestimate this vampire, snake-boy."
The hairs on the back of his neck started to prick up.
Malibu's eyes widened as he started to feel the trappings of an Imperius curse be woven all around him. Being undead, he was more sensitive to a sort of "scent" of magic than even most wizards. The air was becoming saturated with the Imperius curse, and as he gazed out to the crowds, Malibu could see many swaying hypnotically to the music.
"Doesn't waste any time, does he," he growled, glaring at Voldemorte's back. He cracked his knuckles. "Well, I've got one way to disrupt this song…."
He charged towards Voldemorte, arm coiled back and ready to unleash a punch. However, three steps from Voldemorte, Malibu struck a barrier. The subsequent jolt felt like he had hit an electric fence, and Malibu was thrown backwards.
No one in the audience seemed to notice or care, too entranced by the Imperius curse register that something was inherently wrong onstage. However, two people did come to Malibu's aid. Elbowing his way through the near-catatonic people Lupin leapt onto the stage, "Snuffles" right behind him.
"Grab something, anything!" Lupin shouted, pointing at the various instruments strewn about the stage. "We've got to counteract his Imperius curse before the entire festival is enslaved!"
"And how do you propose to do that?" Malibu shouted back.
Lupin responded by tapping the tip of his wand, saying "Sonorus" and then tossing it to Malibu. "You keep telling me how good a singer you are, Malibu, now's certainly the time to prove it. Sing anything!"
Malibu caught the wand, glanced down at it and pondered its existence quite deeply. Then he turned to the enormous crowd awaiting them. Malibu drew in a deep breath. "Okay, guys, watch me for the changes and, uh…try to keep up!"
Malibu whirled to the stage, striking his best suave pose and into the wand crooned, "Hubba hubba zoot zoot! Eda hobba zud zud, a num num!"
"Let me rephrase," came Lupin's voice behind him. "Sing anything but that."
* * *
Meanwhile, Ginny was oblivious to anything that might have been happening on the stage. In fact, the stage was just a distant, foggy memory she didn't really care to try and recall in the first place. If this was what Shufflebump was known for, then she never wanted to leave this performance.
Her fears and worries about Harry were gone. There were no more rampant blushings. All that she knew was this warm, sweet voice telling her to submit. Just submit, and it would be the most wonderful feeling in the world. All she had to do was follow what the voice said, and it would be bliss. Ginny's eyelids closed, her eyes rolling back into their sockets.
A quiet buzzing noise that sounded oddly like, "Ginny! Ginny!" was echoing somewhere in the back of her mind, but she didn't care. She was going to submit. She was going to follow Shufflebump to the ends of the earth. They deserved her loyalty. They had earned her undying devotion.
"Ginny, wake up! Snap out of it!"
That annoying voice again. Why couldn't it just stop and leave her be? She liked it here. She liked basking in the warmth of this voice. Ginny felt like she was floating in an ocean of charismatic smiles and serpentine whispers of destruction. What better things were there in this world than serving those desires of her masters? She would sacrifice everything, even herself, for…for…not for Shufflebump, she suddenly realised. Someone else deserved her allegiance.
Her Dark Lord. Everything was for him.
Suddenly, she felt Harry kiss her. Hard.
(BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!!!!)
The euphoric daze shattered into a hundred pieces and came crashing down inside her mind. Ginny's eyes widened, her dilated pupils refocusing as she realized that Harry's lips were pressed right against hers. There was an obvious moment of shock, followed by disbelief, happiness, and the question of whether or not now was an appropriate time to make use of her tongue.
However, Harry broke off the kiss and stepped back. "You back to normal again, Ginny?"
Her face flustered beyond compare, Ginny nodded. Then it occurred to her that she had in fact not been normal a few seconds ago. Something about pledging her devotion to somebody. A Dark Lord or something like that….
Ginny pressed a palm against her forehead, desperate to remember. "What happened?"
"You were nearly sucked in by an Imperius curse," Harry answered. "Someone's trying to cast it on everyone here at the festival."
"But how did you--?"
"I've had this done to me before," Harry quickly replied, scanning the stage. "Last year, when he was Mad-Eyed Moody, Crouch made sure I could resist Imperius curses. Even still, what he tried to cast on me was nothing compared to this. I almost didn't make it."
A chill ran down Ginny's spine, all the romance of the moment drained away. "Who would do such a thing?" she whispered.
Harry shook his head as they surveyed the stage. Shufflebump was performing to a (literally) mesmerized crowd. But in the back left of the dais, a peculiar trio was in the midst of their own performance. Lupin was on the piano, with "Snuffles" banging away a rhythm on the drum set, and Malibu belting out whatever lyrics happened to come into his head at the time. Currently it was a fast-tempo, hard-rock tune called 'Speciesaurus.'
"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed, forgetting all pretences of secrecy. "And Lupin too!"
"Malibu," Ginny said, seeing the vampire for the first time again. "They're trying to block Shufflebump's Imperius curse!"
Harry's eyes narrowed as he took one look at the lead singer, and his scar began to sting. "That's not Shufflebump's curse," he stated. "That's Voldemorte on the stage. We've got to stop him!"
"How?" Ginny asked.
Harry gave no verbal response. He climbed onto the stage and wasted no time in pulling Ginny up after him, the both of them racing in behind Voldemorte (who was still concentrating on his spell) to Lupin.
"Harry, good to see you!" Lupin exclaimed. His fingers were dancing all across the piano keys, and Harry was amazed at his former professor's dexterity. "We're trying to disrupt the Imperius curse by drowning out You- Know-Who's sound. The more they tune into us, the less they'll be influenced by the Imperius."
"Leave him to me," Harry said, stepping towards Voldemorte.
Ginny panicked at the thought of Harry going up against someone like the Dark Lord, and grabbed at his shoulder. "Harry, you can't! He might kill you!"
"He's got a barrier around him, Harry," Lupin said, going into a quick trill. "By the time we break it, we'll be too late!"
"Okay, so then what do we do?" Harry snapped.
"The bongos, Harry!" Malibu exclaimed, gesturing to an eight-set of bongo drums. "Go for the bongos! And take it down an octave, Lupin; I can't sing as high as you're playing!"
Not entirely sure what they were doing, or if it would succeed, Harry and Ginny found their own musical contributions to add to Malibu's peculiar lyrics. Harry took to the bongo drums, while Ginny hazarded picking up a harp and plucked randomly at the strings.
Malibu sang out the lyrics to a current magical realm favourite: 'Frisk Me Love Me Cookie.'
With the added instruments, Malibu and the others were soon putting holes in Voldemorte's otherwise flawless curse. Numerous wizards and witches were starting to blink and shake their heads as if coming out of an unexpected nap. Some started to sway to Malibu's beat. And many spectators were exclaiming, "Wow, can that dog play a mean drum set!"
"It's working!" Lupin shouted over the music. "Keep singing, Malibu!"
However, Voldemorte noticed how his hold on the audience was beginning to slip. He glanced back over his shoulder and shot his opponents an enraged look. Then he turned to Shufflebump, and made a gesture with his arm. Their current slow-paced song came to an abrupt end, and Shufflebump picked up the tempo with an infectious, upbeat melody. To that, Voldemorte began to sing even louder into his wand, projecting an even more powerful Imperius curse through his lyrics.
The eyes of most of the crowd began to glaze over again.
"Malibu!" Ginny exclaimed, fear creeping into her system as she saw her friends and siblings slide back under Voldemorte's control.
"I'm trying!" Malibu said. "But Shufflebump's playing 'Fuzzbox Voodoo & The Paranoia Groove'—their number one hit ever! I can't compete, not even with a song like 'Eat My Acromantula'!"
The Death Eaters, fully garbed in their robes and masks, were beginning to filter into the edges of the audience. With their Dark Lord almost assured victory now, they were making their presence known and checking to ensure that no one was overcoming the effects of the Imperius. A few Stupefy and Crucio curses were unleashed as some non-compliant mages tried to resist and fight back.
"If those Death Eaters make it to the stage, we're going to have our hands full just fending them off," Harry said, going into a quick, manic bongo solo.
Ginny continued to pluck out a tune on the harp that somewhat matched what was being played by the others. "I don't want to become a Death Eater," she said quietly.
"Oh, I don't think we have to worry," Malibu remarked, tapping one foot as he let Lupin go into a piano solo. "Given our interference here, You-Know- Who's more liable to messily torture us and then kill us rather than turn us into subservient drones."
Voldemorte turned around and flashed them all a dark, vicious smile. "You're not going to win this," he laughed. "There's nothing in the world that can save you now."
Suddenly, a loud ball of green smoke exploded on the stage, and there stood Dumbledore, dressed up in an outlandish silver-sequined robe and wizard's hat, a pair of flashy and enormous gold sunglasses over his eyes. Malibu stared dumbfounded at the Hogwarts Headmaster…and then stared down at the enchanted electric guitar in Dumbledore's hands.
"Okaaaaaaaaay."
Dumbledore winked at his friends. "I had a feeling this might happen after I received Remus' letter," he remarked. "Mind if I jam with you?"
Not entirely certain just how Dumbledore knew how to use a slang term like 'jam', Malibu nodded. "Uh…sure."
Dumbledore drew out from his robes a guitar pick and then generated an incredible series of riffs that echoed across the fairgrounds. The effect was instantaneous: his enchanted guitar (no plug-ins or amps required) drowned out Shufflebump, and startled over half the audience out of the Imperius curse.
Voldemorte whirled, glaring at Dumbledore.
Dumbledore just smirked. "Oh, I also hope you don't mind," he added over his shoulder to Harry and the others. "But I decided to bring a few of my friends in for this."
As if on cue, three more explosive plumes of green smoke erupted onto the stage, and there standing next to Lupin's grand piano were Hagrid on the saxophone, Mundungus Fletcher on an enchanted bass guitar, and Arabella Fig as a back-up singer, holding her own Sonorus-enchanted wand. She smiled and quickly gestured for Ginny to join her.
"Now then," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling…or was it just the glitter on his shades that was doing all the twinkling? Anyhoo, Dumbledore strummed another series if riffs, and nodded for Malibu to sing.
Malibu grinned, and began to croon one of his own all-time favourite songs: 'Karaoke Vicious' by the illustrious yet enigmatic solo artist, Mr. Incognito.
What followed was quite possibly the most infamous and popular battle of the bands to ever take place in the world of magic. Not to be outdone, Voldemorte signalled for Shufflebump to change songs, the band switching to 'The Merry Melancholy Mix.'
When it appeared that the audience was starting to fall back under the Imperius curse, Dumbledore called out for Malibu to switch. Malibu in turn did an amazing cover of 'Lickalicious', with Ginny and Arabella surprising everyone with their fantastic choral voices. Shortly thereafter, Voldemorte and Shufflebump went to 'Sandsprawl', forcing Malibu and the others to switch to 'The Rune-Wyrm Goes Down To Denmark.' Then came 'Hard-Pressed and Heart-Broken' from Voldemorte and Shufflebump, countered by 'Sorceress Sunset' from Malibu and Dumbeldore.
In the end, it came down to the wire between two songs: Voldemorte had Shufflebump play the tear-jerking 'Magical Miseria'; Malibu signalled for the others to play the incredibly complex song, 'Mauvecado.' For two verses, the two bands seemed evenly-matched, with the crowds half under the Imperius, half free from it.
Then Hagrid performed an incredible saxophone solo, with Harry picking up on the bongos and Lupin joining in on the piano. From there, "Snuffles", Dumbledore and Mungdungus added their sounds, and Ginny & Arabella giving all their voices could. And for the rousing finale, Malibu topped it off with by holding a two minute-long note, effectively impressing the entire audience…and turning his face blue from holding his breath for that length of time.
Voldemorte's Imperius curse crumbled, so much so that the Shufflebump members awoke from its control and stopped playing altogether. And the crowd went nothing short of wild, stomping their feet, clapping their hands and letting out a cheer that startled all the owls in Hogwart's owlery. Sensing their defeat, the Death Eaters turned and fled. Most were caught by the more experienced wizards and witches who had begun to realise what was going on during this rather unorthodox performance.
Voldemorte turned and let out an enraged, incoherent shout at Dumbledore's troupe. He swept his cloak around him, and in a fury disapparated from the stage.
This event unto itself triggered thundering applause and cheers that took what felt like forever to die down. Many of the Gryffindors clamoured onto the stage, congratulating Harry, Ginny, Hagrid, Lupin and Dumbledore on their fantastic show. "Snuffles" found himself beset by a group of wizards marvelling at his canine skill, and a group of little witches who thought the doggie on the drums was adorable to no end. The somewhat bewildered Shufflebump band members were besieged by fans wanting autographs. Even the otherwise unfamiliar faces of Arabella and Mungdungus were met with legions of compliments and warm embraces.
And as for Malibu…he accidentally got pushed off the stage by some over- excited Gryffindors, and wound up body-surfing the enthusiastic crowd.
* * *
Three days later, life at Hogwarts and Hogsmeade had yet to calm down. The subsequent rave reviews from the visiting Daily Prophet reporters, and word- of-mouth generated by all the first-hand spectators had generated a veritable juggernaut of publicity. The captured Death Eaters had led to a string of interrogations and arrests of Voldemorte's supporters—something Fudge, the Minister of Magic, was quick to take credit for.
Meanwhile, Hogsmeade was beset by dozens of sponsors and hopeful wizarding bands asking for spots in next year's festival. Shufflebump's popularity skyrocketed higher than ever before, which was amusing since the band members, now minus their lead singer, had to have the entire incident explained to them.
Everyone now wanted to attend Hagrid's Care of Magical Creatures class, just to ask him about his saxophone playing. He was also getting a lot of unexpected visits from students after classes, which made him grin from ear to ear.
Lupin had made a point of disappearing into obscurity, given the secrecy required for his current line of work. A number of people noticed his auspicious absence, but couldn't track him down. As a result, the mystery behind the impressive piano player gave way to all sorts of theories—Lupin was a secret agent working for the Ministry of Mystery; Lupin was a Patronus of some kind; Lupin was an ancient and powerful wizard who only showed up in times of great danger; and so forth.
Arabella Fig and Mungdungus Fletcher also managed to quietly slip away unnoticed, returning to Dumbledore's private employ as undercover guardians and agents.
Dumbledore took all his popularity in stride, using his sudden fame and fandom to make a few specific demands to the Ministry of Magic. Namely, demands that put precautionary measures into place to further prevent Voldemorte from gaining anymore power—such as open negotiations with the giants and removing the Dementors from Azkaban. Fudge grudgingly acquiesced.
A whole new line of stuffed animals and toys featuring "Snuffles" and his drum set appeared almost overnight, much to Sirius' disbelief and displeasure. There were even rumours of a new series of children's storybooks being created: "The Adventures of Snuffles." Sirius just snorted indignantly whenever he heard mention of his canine alter-ego. He did, however, give Harry a signed "Snuffles" plushie.
Harry and Ginny had to contend with unprecedented celebrity statuses after giving their own accounts of the festival to the authorities. Having been swamped like this before, Harry was able to take most of it in stride, and avoid his newest legions of devoted fans—especially Draco, who had started up the official 'I Luv Harry' club and was its president and Member #001.
Ginny, on the other hand, was bewildered by the fact that all sorts of girls were admiring her, vying for her autograph, following her around, and asking her what it was like dating Harry. (Blush!) Not to mention dozens of boys were trying to ask her out and fawning all over her.
She had to take to being escourted to classes by Fred & George, whose clever pranks and gag food were able to keep most other students at bay and ensured she could arrive on time. The relative obscurity she had existed in before all this was something Ginny suddenly missed. To calm down, she took to a lot of late-night walks through the corridors, sometimes going hand in hand with Harry, sometimes by herself.
Malibu popped up one night during her walks, about a week after the Hogsmeade festival. "Miss me?" he asked, flashing her a fanged grin.
Ginny laughed and raced towards him…bowling Malibu over in the process too as she hugged him. "Malibu! I didn't see you after the festival; what's happened to you?"
"Long story. You have a few hours to spare?"
Ginny nodded. "It's almost curfew, but we can probably avoid Mrs. Norris and Filch."
"That's the spirit!" Malibu agreed. "Now then, where to begin?"
They spent the next few hours wandering corridors that saw very little traffic ever. Malibu told of how he had been caught and interrogated by McNair, and how he was questioned by the Ministry of Magic after the festival. He didn't mention to Ginny how he had to carefully tailor his account to avoid a few secrets that might reveal his true profession. Yet he was in the public and Dumbledore's good graces, so the Ministry really had no problems with a few odd parts of his testimony.
"What are you going to do now?" Ginny asked.
Malibu sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "I can't go back to my old line of work, that's for sure. My face and description has been plastered all over the magical world, so now everyone knows who I am and what I look like."
Oddly enough, a look of hope appeared on Ginny's face. "So…does that mean you can stay here with us? I don't think my Mum and Dad would have a problem if you lived with us in the summer, and my brothers really like you. You could stay here for the rest of the year and—"
With a gentle smile, Malibu rested a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. "Afraid I can't do that either. It's a temping offer, but you have your own life to live. Besides, from what I hear, you'd be spending more time with Harry than with me."
Ginny beamed, her face going red again.
"Anyways, I should probably get going," Malibu said. "I just wanted to come here and see how you were doing before I left."
"Will I be able to see you again?" Ginny asked.
Malibu smiled. "Of course! You can't get rid of a vampire that easily, let alone this one! You'll see me around, I'm sure. I'll write too. And I'll make a point of visiting you next semester. Sound like a plan?"
Ginny hugged Malibu again, then added, "I'm sorry about yelling at you in Potions class."
"Nah, it's cool," Malibu said, waving it aside. "Water under the bridge. You just have a good year, and be sure to visit me sometime during the summer."
"Deal," Ginny agreed.
* * *
A month later, Malibu walked into a dressing room located somewhere in London. The four remaining members of Shufflebump were already getting prepped for the first performance of their latest world tour.
The real Rufius had yet to be found after Voldemorte's disappearance. It was presumed by virtually everyone that he had been killed before Voldemorte took his place. Of course, this was a considerable problem for Shufflebump, whose popularity was at its highest ever—yet now their lead singer was gone.
Of course, they did find an unexpected, and equally popular & adept replacement. Namely, Malibu the vampire.
Malibu put on his red velvet jacket, adjusted the ruffles around his cuffs and collar, and made sure his coat-tails were straightened out. A wand with a Sonorus charm on it in his hand, He grinned at his new band members and reached for a Portkey. "Shall we?"
A few seconds later, the five members of Shufflebump appeared onstage before a sold-out crowd…and a few would-be vampire hunters, but since their aim was really off, there's no real point in mentioning them any further.
END.
(You can go home now)
Author's Note: Help! I've been kidnapped by pixies, who are putting my hair into pigtails & burettes, and are ransoming me off for…let me see if I get this straight: 'the screwdriver is hungry and the butterfly who runs around my tummy. When the sacred cows roost in the living room, a carpet of platypus cookies skips happily to school. Beef? Beef sirloin?'
(Author's Mental Note: never get ransomed off by magical beings who are completely unintelligible to everything else on this planet)
Obligatory Disclaimer bit: Harry Potter and all its related characters, spells, locations animals, monsters, et all, carpe diem and ipso facto are the property of J.K. Rowling, and should thusly be credited to her. With the exception of Malibu the vampire; I'm not sure anyone would want to take credit for bringing him into this world….
"Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot" comes courtesy of Caramba (those wacky Norweigans!). Curious Muggles may also search for "Jinnai & the Bugrom Live" if they really crave a fantastic performance piece.
METMA Mandy and her challenge comes courtesy of the letters H, P and the number 28. Check out her website at: www.geocities.com/metmamandy/ and discover how no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Comments, praises, bribes or Howlers can be owl-mailed to: hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com