© Besnaped.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKR. Written in response to Severitus' challenge.
A/N: I'm so flattered, I've got two whole betas now! Enormous thanks to ARIANA DERALTE and TEIGRA for their invaluable help! *smiles and sighs blissfully*
Chapter 5. Severus' monologue or Truth or Dare indeed.
"I think, I better start at the beginning then," Snape said shifting his gaze to rest on the polished surface of the table.
"Some months after my graduation from Hogwarts I was moving out of my parents manor to start an independent life in an apartment of my own. I had all my belongings with me and therefore decided that Knight Bus would be the most suitable choice of transportation. I took the bed at the very end, of course, hoping not to be disturbed. As if I would ever be that lucky!" Snape wanted to sneer but stopped in mid-contortion and sighed to himself. "Well, maybe I WAS lucky," he said barely audibly. He raised his head to look into Harry's emerald eyes and lowered his gaze once more. "Anyhow, now comes the part YOU are interested in," Snape sighed again and decided immediately that he should stop sighing so often.
"I was just beginning to feel relaxed enough to be able to ignore the atrocious jolts that confounded form of transport is always giving, which is no wonder considering the incompetent good-for-nothing chumps it has for drivers, who are only at it because they'd failed in school and in everything else... " But he couldn't procrastinate forever, and so he restarted: "I was just beginning to feel relaxed when the rough scrape of a trunk being shoved under the bed across the aisle brought me back to reality. I opened my eyes to see that the offender was a woman. Finished with her trunk, she twirled and a few drops of water flew in my direction from her robes drenched with rain. That woman was Lily. I recognised her at once as she did with myself, for it was less than a year since we'd last seen each other at school. 'Severus!' she exclaimed then a little too eagerly. That couldn't be right, she was never excited to see me before. Being dragged into some cheerful school remembrances session was not my idea of an enjoyable journey, so I just grumbled unpleasantly, expecting to scare her off, and made to turn away. Lily, however, was determined to amuse herself at my expense and so she tugged at my sleeve and launched into a chirruping interrogation on how I'd been and what I'd done. I didn't know what to make of her sudden unexplainable and downright unwelcome interest in my persona, so all I offered in return was some tart enquiry on the health of her fiance and co. Her response was nothing like I expected. I was so surprised at her calling James something that I should not repeat to you and that I had never expected out of HER mouth, and referring to James' and her friends as 'traitorous meddlesome chauvinism supporters', that I forgot to prevent her subsequent unbidden explanation of how her fiance's repeated inattentiveness brought to her breaking the engagement and moving out. She'd been appalled then to discover that not only all James' and James' and her, but even all HER friends who also knew James sided with her ex-fiance pronouncing HER conduct scandalising and her decision rushed, pestering her with continuous insistences to come to her senses and talk with James, James himself urging her to not overreact, to be rational and to behave. She found herself in a dead end situation, judged and confronted by everybody she knew, the only two alternatives out of which were comply or run; and so she ran.
"I was dreading she would end her outpour sobbing into my shoulder, but Lily just tossed her head in rebellion and forced a smile, changing the topic back to me. Still wary that she might break into hysterics, I was forced to play along and actively maintain a rather cheerful conversation. Then, somehow, the topic was Lily again: Lily and her despair on what would she do next, on where would she go, where would she stay. Was she to return to her, as it turned out, hateful relatives in the Muggle world? Was she to remain in the wizarding London and apply for a job? The only thing she was certain of was her decision to avoid anyone who would condemn her break up with James and think of making her see just how foolish she was being. That totally explained her interest in me -- one thing I would never do is to praise James, a fact she was well aware of. She was evidently thrilled to meet someone like myself, as it reminded her that there were people out there she could say she was acquainted with, however vaguely that was, but who would, if anything, only approve of her decision to shun James.
"Finally, it was my stop and, I never knew how that happened myself, but somehow, while attempting some pleasantry at excusing myself, I let slip something akin to an offer for Lily to spend the night at my place. I was slightly overwhelmed by her exhilaration at meeting me of all people, what with it not being a common reaction to my persona, so that I can't be entirely sure my offer was as rhetoric as I tried to convince myself; however, I certainly had not had in mind anything of what happened between us following that fateful proposition. I had never even looked at her that way. She was always smart and pretty, and nice to practically everyone, but apart from whatever opinion we could have formed of one another based on whom we related to, Lily and I were two complete strangers whose lives had never collided directly before that, both of us revolving in very different circles and giving each other no thought."
Snape remained pensive for several moments, seeming oblivious to Harry's presence, then he intertwined his fingers and continued, not even once looking up to meet his eyes. Harry, in turn, tried to make his presence as unobtrusive as possible, not daring to interrupt the other man's concentration with a careless breath or movement.
"I wasn't yet settled in my new place and the only peace of furniture I had so far was one bed. I assured Lily that there was another bed in another room and went to sleep in an improvised nest of blankets on the floor. She discovered my deception in the morning. Everything I had was in boxes and there was no food. We went out for breakfast and then also to buy some provisions for later in the afternoon. When we came back, instead of leaving immediately Lily insisted on helping me unpack and set the apartment up in gratitude for my kindness the previous evening. I refused at first but she brooked no resistance. As it was, the night fell once more but we still weren't finished. That night I slept on a couch.
"The following morning I awoke to the smells of her cooking -- she'd easily made herself at home in MY kitchen where I had yet to step for the first time. The quality of food, though, made it impossible to complain. That and her interminable rambling, mainly on the topic of my lack of decorations. After breakfast I was dragged to buy some paintings, carpets and flowers, and to shorten my torture I gave in and let Lily choose. Later, while we were at decorating my apartment with the acquisitions of that day, she went on and on about how understanding I was being, how I never even mentioned Quidditch, how I was not spending all day out with friends, having them at house all evening and discussing THEM all night, how I was listening to what SHE was saying, how I was allowing HER to make decisions, how I was so different from James... How he'd got used to her always at his side, how he'd taken her for granted, how everyone but me refused to see her for something more than a mere appendage of his, to treat her as a person of her own, to grant her the right to be on her own, as a person of her own, on her own, without James... And then it was how I was so much BETTER than James and how she'd never got to know me, how she'd always had a distorted impression of me, how she'd always seen me through the eyes of James and his friends, and how prejudiced they all were, and how they all just always sided with James... How her eyes were open now, how she now saw them all for what they were, how she'd finally seen ME through her own eyes, how she'd suddenly realised that she'd never really felt before, how she'd finally understood WHAT feeling was... The next moment she was all over me and I didn't resist much. And so she stayed for another night.
"She didn't want to leave. Day to day she was looking for new excuses to stay and after some time I started finding them for her. We were both starting a new life and a new home together. Our lives were one now, WE were one. WE were US.
"Somewhere on the back of my mind I understood that this all was too sudden, too out of the blue, that she was on rebound, confused and not truly feeling what she sincerely believed she did. It's a defensive mechanism of human heart, you see. When it hurts too much, it sizes even the tiniest of pretexts to avoid that pain, tries to drawn the suffering in joys, diminishes the misery to a void by intensifying small feelings of pleasure to the point at which they seem nothing less than true love. Merely a natural self-preservation instinct. Most obvious. But I would look into the warmth in her eyes and all my cold reasoning would melt. I would forget to think." By this point Severus was telling the story of his love to anyone but himself. His tone was soft, his skyward eyes glazed, lost in dreams and memories.
"The Fates were offering me a dare, and I knew it. But I took it, hoping I could change it into truth. It was a foolish thing to believe. She realised her mistake as soon as James found her and crawled to her, snivelling on and about how wrong and full of himself he'd been (something I always said of him) and how he'd rethought his priorities. I was out of the picture even faster than I made it into it. Left alone in a house full of flowers and sunlight..."
He'd never felt the need for company until the one woman he dared to love showed him the true meaning of loneliness.
A/N: Here you are supposed to start crying. If not, I will. *sobs* How do you think Harry might feel about Severus' story? How did you feel about it? I figured, not everything in the world should be Snape's fault, right? Conclusion of Snape's side of his and Lily's story in the next chapter.
A/N: All corrections, suggestions and comments are welcomed and begged for. THANKS for reading and even more so for reviewing! Take a look at my other stuff too, it won't take you long.
© Besnaped.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to JKR. Written in response to Severitus' challenge.
A/N: I'm so flattered, I've got two whole betas now! Enormous thanks to ARIANA DERALTE and TEIGRA for their invaluable help! *smiles and sighs blissfully*
Chapter 5. Severus' monologue or Truth or Dare indeed.
"I think, I better start at the beginning then," Snape said shifting his gaze to rest on the polished surface of the table.
"Some months after my graduation from Hogwarts I was moving out of my parents manor to start an independent life in an apartment of my own. I had all my belongings with me and therefore decided that Knight Bus would be the most suitable choice of transportation. I took the bed at the very end, of course, hoping not to be disturbed. As if I would ever be that lucky!" Snape wanted to sneer but stopped in mid-contortion and sighed to himself. "Well, maybe I WAS lucky," he said barely audibly. He raised his head to look into Harry's emerald eyes and lowered his gaze once more. "Anyhow, now comes the part YOU are interested in," Snape sighed again and decided immediately that he should stop sighing so often.
"I was just beginning to feel relaxed enough to be able to ignore the atrocious jolts that confounded form of transport is always giving, which is no wonder considering the incompetent good-for-nothing chumps it has for drivers, who are only at it because they'd failed in school and in everything else... " But he couldn't procrastinate forever, and so he restarted: "I was just beginning to feel relaxed when the rough scrape of a trunk being shoved under the bed across the aisle brought me back to reality. I opened my eyes to see that the offender was a woman. Finished with her trunk, she twirled and a few drops of water flew in my direction from her robes drenched with rain. That woman was Lily. I recognised her at once as she did with myself, for it was less than a year since we'd last seen each other at school. 'Severus!' she exclaimed then a little too eagerly. That couldn't be right, she was never excited to see me before. Being dragged into some cheerful school remembrances session was not my idea of an enjoyable journey, so I just grumbled unpleasantly, expecting to scare her off, and made to turn away. Lily, however, was determined to amuse herself at my expense and so she tugged at my sleeve and launched into a chirruping interrogation on how I'd been and what I'd done. I didn't know what to make of her sudden unexplainable and downright unwelcome interest in my persona, so all I offered in return was some tart enquiry on the health of her fiance and co. Her response was nothing like I expected. I was so surprised at her calling James something that I should not repeat to you and that I had never expected out of HER mouth, and referring to James' and her friends as 'traitorous meddlesome chauvinism supporters', that I forgot to prevent her subsequent unbidden explanation of how her fiance's repeated inattentiveness brought to her breaking the engagement and moving out. She'd been appalled then to discover that not only all James' and James' and her, but even all HER friends who also knew James sided with her ex-fiance pronouncing HER conduct scandalising and her decision rushed, pestering her with continuous insistences to come to her senses and talk with James, James himself urging her to not overreact, to be rational and to behave. She found herself in a dead end situation, judged and confronted by everybody she knew, the only two alternatives out of which were comply or run; and so she ran.
"I was dreading she would end her outpour sobbing into my shoulder, but Lily just tossed her head in rebellion and forced a smile, changing the topic back to me. Still wary that she might break into hysterics, I was forced to play along and actively maintain a rather cheerful conversation. Then, somehow, the topic was Lily again: Lily and her despair on what would she do next, on where would she go, where would she stay. Was she to return to her, as it turned out, hateful relatives in the Muggle world? Was she to remain in the wizarding London and apply for a job? The only thing she was certain of was her decision to avoid anyone who would condemn her break up with James and think of making her see just how foolish she was being. That totally explained her interest in me -- one thing I would never do is to praise James, a fact she was well aware of. She was evidently thrilled to meet someone like myself, as it reminded her that there were people out there she could say she was acquainted with, however vaguely that was, but who would, if anything, only approve of her decision to shun James.
"Finally, it was my stop and, I never knew how that happened myself, but somehow, while attempting some pleasantry at excusing myself, I let slip something akin to an offer for Lily to spend the night at my place. I was slightly overwhelmed by her exhilaration at meeting me of all people, what with it not being a common reaction to my persona, so that I can't be entirely sure my offer was as rhetoric as I tried to convince myself; however, I certainly had not had in mind anything of what happened between us following that fateful proposition. I had never even looked at her that way. She was always smart and pretty, and nice to practically everyone, but apart from whatever opinion we could have formed of one another based on whom we related to, Lily and I were two complete strangers whose lives had never collided directly before that, both of us revolving in very different circles and giving each other no thought."
Snape remained pensive for several moments, seeming oblivious to Harry's presence, then he intertwined his fingers and continued, not even once looking up to meet his eyes. Harry, in turn, tried to make his presence as unobtrusive as possible, not daring to interrupt the other man's concentration with a careless breath or movement.
"I wasn't yet settled in my new place and the only peace of furniture I had so far was one bed. I assured Lily that there was another bed in another room and went to sleep in an improvised nest of blankets on the floor. She discovered my deception in the morning. Everything I had was in boxes and there was no food. We went out for breakfast and then also to buy some provisions for later in the afternoon. When we came back, instead of leaving immediately Lily insisted on helping me unpack and set the apartment up in gratitude for my kindness the previous evening. I refused at first but she brooked no resistance. As it was, the night fell once more but we still weren't finished. That night I slept on a couch.
"The following morning I awoke to the smells of her cooking -- she'd easily made herself at home in MY kitchen where I had yet to step for the first time. The quality of food, though, made it impossible to complain. That and her interminable rambling, mainly on the topic of my lack of decorations. After breakfast I was dragged to buy some paintings, carpets and flowers, and to shorten my torture I gave in and let Lily choose. Later, while we were at decorating my apartment with the acquisitions of that day, she went on and on about how understanding I was being, how I never even mentioned Quidditch, how I was not spending all day out with friends, having them at house all evening and discussing THEM all night, how I was listening to what SHE was saying, how I was allowing HER to make decisions, how I was so different from James... How he'd got used to her always at his side, how he'd taken her for granted, how everyone but me refused to see her for something more than a mere appendage of his, to treat her as a person of her own, to grant her the right to be on her own, as a person of her own, on her own, without James... And then it was how I was so much BETTER than James and how she'd never got to know me, how she'd always had a distorted impression of me, how she'd always seen me through the eyes of James and his friends, and how prejudiced they all were, and how they all just always sided with James... How her eyes were open now, how she now saw them all for what they were, how she'd finally seen ME through her own eyes, how she'd suddenly realised that she'd never really felt before, how she'd finally understood WHAT feeling was... The next moment she was all over me and I didn't resist much. And so she stayed for another night.
"She didn't want to leave. Day to day she was looking for new excuses to stay and after some time I started finding them for her. We were both starting a new life and a new home together. Our lives were one now, WE were one. WE were US.
"Somewhere on the back of my mind I understood that this all was too sudden, too out of the blue, that she was on rebound, confused and not truly feeling what she sincerely believed she did. It's a defensive mechanism of human heart, you see. When it hurts too much, it sizes even the tiniest of pretexts to avoid that pain, tries to drawn the suffering in joys, diminishes the misery to a void by intensifying small feelings of pleasure to the point at which they seem nothing less than true love. Merely a natural self-preservation instinct. Most obvious. But I would look into the warmth in her eyes and all my cold reasoning would melt. I would forget to think." By this point Severus was telling the story of his love to anyone but himself. His tone was soft, his skyward eyes glazed, lost in dreams and memories.
"The Fates were offering me a dare, and I knew it. But I took it, hoping I could change it into truth. It was a foolish thing to believe. She realised her mistake as soon as James found her and crawled to her, snivelling on and about how wrong and full of himself he'd been (something I always said of him) and how he'd rethought his priorities. I was out of the picture even faster than I made it into it. Left alone in a house full of flowers and sunlight..."
He'd never felt the need for company until the one woman he dared to love showed him the true meaning of loneliness.
A/N: Here you are supposed to start crying. If not, I will. *sobs* How do you think Harry might feel about Severus' story? How did you feel about it? I figured, not everything in the world should be Snape's fault, right? Conclusion of Snape's side of his and Lily's story in the next chapter.
A/N: All corrections, suggestions and comments are welcomed and begged for. THANKS for reading and even more so for reviewing! Take a look at my other stuff too, it won't take you long.
© Besnaped.