-
When you were here before, I couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather, in a beautiful world
I wish I was special, you're so fucking special
-
Numbers kept Helga's sanity intact. She had eaten 347 calories yesterday, and ran for 1 hour and 45 minutes on the treadmill at 6.21 miles an hour. She had burned 1023 calories, running until she feared her legs would callapse beneath her. This morning she had weighed 121 lbs, after 14 days of this dizzying obsession. Her hair had been wet from her shower, so she subtracted 1 pound. 120 lbs. 10 more to go, until she reached the goal she'd picked that first night. But would it be enough? Staring intently at herself in the mirror, she noticed very little change. Her stomach was slightly flatter, and her thighs didn't rub together as much, but she certainly didn't look like somebody 10 lbs away from perfection. 'We'll see when I get there,' she told herself 'I can always lose more if I don't like how 110 looks'.
Class started at 8:30 am. Helga slid into her cold plastic seat at 8:26, and started tapping her fingers anxiously on the desktop. For three minutes, everything seemed to move in slow motion, the seconds on the clock almost remaining stationary. The only thing at normal speed was the tapping of Helga's fingers, and the sound of her breathing, deep and steady. At 8:29, the door swung open and Arnold walked in, breaking the spell, and putting everything back into full speed and colour. Her heart quickened, as he slid into a seat across the room, glanced at her and smiled. Before she could execute any action more intelligent than staring blankly, when their teacher entered, and their Writer's Workshop class began.
-
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
-
Helga sat in the cafeteria with Pheobe again, this time Arnold and Gerald talking to some other guys on the lacrosse team. Pheobe was laughing, and telling Helga about something Gerald had told her when they'd walked home last night. Helga nodded and smiled, reflecting on how her friend had grown more extroverted over the years. She no longer shied away from attention, she'd grown into a confident, happy person and it had happened so gradually Helga never noticed. She also noticed that Pheobe was slim and petite, and everything Helga wasn't. Although Pheobe, of course, didn't dress to show off her body, it was obvious to Helga that her best friend was far superior. Sighing, she excused herself, telling Pheobe she wanted to check something out of the school library.
Instead Helga stood outside, with warm afternoon sun shining down on her. She felt betrayed by the weather, she didn't deserve this, she wanted cold, clean rain to pour down on her, and wash away every last trace of Helga Patacki. She reflected on her earlier plan to become worthy of Arnold, and laughed bitterly. Her hair looked fine, and she had two thinly arched eyebrows. But what did that matter? She would never be thin enough, never worthwhile.
Her only comfort was that she hadn't eaten today.
-
I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special, I wish I was special
-
"Hey, can I speak to Helga?"
"Uh, speaking. Arnold? Is that you?"
"Yeah. Um, I was just calling to...well, to see how you were doing. You've seemed a little...distracted lately, is all."
"Heh, I'm fine, football head." Oh my God, he cared enough to call! Oh, Arnold....
"Uh...okay. If you say so, Helga. And one more thing..."
"Yes?"
"Well, tomorrow's Saturday..and I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go see a movie or something?"
Helga nearly passed out. Her mouth was open to scream "YES!" before she thought of something.
"Tomorrow? I'm a little busy. How about next week, Arnoldo?"
She heard a faint sigh of happiness on the other line "Next week is great, Helga. I'll talk to you later."
"Bye"
Buzzing with excitement, Helga put the phone down. She had 8 days to lose as much weight as she could.
-
Helga bit down on a carrot stick distractedly, staring intently into a copy of Seventeen. "I bet Arnold would -love- that shirt" she muttered aloud, gazing at it adoringly. It was light pink, and made of layers of gauze, with full sleeves, a plunging neckline, and showing off three or four inches of midriff. She glanced at the name of the store in the corner, and blinked in surprise. She could pick it up downtown! She grabbed her wallet and dashed out of the house, jogging to the subway station.
-
It was gorgeous. The shirt, that is. The only problem was Helga's stomach, slightly jutting out where it was revealed. Helga bit back tears, and took it off, carefully hanging it up and staring hard at herself in discontent.
She had one week.
-
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
-
She worked herself harder than she ever had in her life. Even Miriam took notice, telling her she looked 'gaunt'. Helga took it as a compliment. She spent hours at the gym, she worked until her blood felt like fire, pounding frantically through her viens. And then she worked harder, pushing herself past exhaustion into a strange kind of euphoria.
She reached 110 lbs quickly, faster than she imagined. She didn't look perfect. 'It must have been water weight.' she reasoned with herself. 'When I get rid of this -fat- I'll look much better.'
Pheobe complained, said Helga was getting too thin too quickly. It was wonderful to hear. When Helga admitted her weight, Pheobe informed her that was, in fact, underweight for her 5'5 medium frame. The word 'underweight' sounded beautiful to Helga, and she pushed even harder. 100 lbs was her new goal. It was a round number, perfect. 10 lbs to go.
2 days to go.
-
She's running out again
She's running out
She runs, runs, runs runs
-
Shaking, Helga held the bottle of Ipecac syrup in her hands. "Do not exceed reccomended dosage" the package warned her in bold letters. "Overdosage may prove fatal!". This was all Big Bob's fault. He had sat her down at dinner, made her eat an enourmous steak and potatoes. Didn't let her leave until it was all finished. She could feel the grease floating in her stomach, clogging her arteries, undoing all her hard work. She thanked God she'd bought the syrup 'just in case', wrapped her lips around the bottle and drank half of it.
Ipecac takes 15-20 minutes to work. For the next 15 minutes, Helga sat on the bathroom floor, contemplating what she'd done. Ipecac was a syrup used to induce vomitting. It's primary use was for children when they swallow something poisonous that must be removed from their system. It was a poison itself, the syrup, that shouldn't be taken in large doses. But the more she took, the less disgusting fat would be left inside her.
Suddenly, she felt pain rip through her stomach, and she leaned over the toilet. If she hadn't started vomitting, she would have screamed in agony. Tears fell down her face as she continued to heave, for nearly 20 minutes straight. As she finished, Helga flushed the toilet, and wrapped her arms around her knees, sobbing. She stayed there for another 15 minutes before the Ipecac kicked in for a second round.
-
Terrified, Helga stepped onto the scale, mesmerized by the swinging little red line. As it stopped, her breath caught in her throat. 106 lbs. Beautiful.
Her date was tomorrow. It was worth it.
-
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
-
In her bedroom, two hours later, Helga stared at herself in the mirror. It was becoming an obsession. She realized that she didn't -have- a body, not really. She -was- a body. The thought frightened her, that this useless peice of flesh was all she consisted of. And, aside from Arnold, he owed it to herself to make it flawless. She felt so close.
Control.
-
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here.
-
Author's Notes: Hee, I'm enjoying this. Lyrics are from 'Creep' by Radiohead. Lovely song, it is. Hmm, I had a bit of concern that Helga's weight loss was going too quickly, but I did a bit of research to back it up, and remember, this story does skip a few days at a time. Reviews are greatly appreciated, even if they're very short, or even very negative. Expect Chapter Three up this weekend as well.