Authors note I wrote this at work after several
similar calls. I'm having Scully play along-she can't be that uptight!
Special thanks: to my poor beta Rebecca-
Thank you!
Dungeons of the F.B.I. Building 10:25 AM
Special agent Dana Scully sat reading the
latest case. It looked to be interesting, but far from their norm. Her
partner Special agent Fox Mulder had gone upworld to get coffee and some
form of chocolate.
She looked over at the top of a filing cabinet.
It had enough room for a coffee maker. She sighed and looked back at the
file. They had both threatened to get a small coffee machine, yet there
still wasn't one in the office. She looked at Mulders desk, then at the
many pencils that lined the tile above his head.
Suddenly the phone rang, making her jump.
She picked up the receiver.
"Scully."
"Hey there, Honey. Can I call you Honey?"
The voice on the line attempted to sound
seductive. She stared at the phone, trying to figure our who was calling.
It didn't sound like Mulder, or the Gunmen, and A. D. Skinner wouldn't
do anything like this. She decide to play along to find out who it was.
"I guess."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
Scully rolled her eyes. How did a normal
pervert get her extension? She decided to use Mulder as her husband to
shut the guy up.
"Yes, I'm married."
"So, have you ever thought of cheating?"
"No."
"Come on, I could be the guy on the side."
"No thanks."
"Want to hear something?"
She suppressed a groan as she heard a zipper
being undone. She rolled her eyes, put the phone on mute, then sat the
receiver down. Mulder walked in with the coffee and 2 frosted brownies.
He smiled at her, teasing her with the chocolate.
"Want one? They look like they taste very,
very good."
She laughed.
"Yes, I want one. Chocolate is a girl's best
friend."
"What about diamonds?"
"Can you eat them?"
"No."
"Point proven. Diamonds look nice, but I
prefer something that tastes good."
He just laughed as he handed her a coffee
and a brownie. He looked at the phone.
"On hold with someone?"
She looked at the receiver and laughed.
"No, some pervert called in. He's currently
satisfying himself."
Mulder picked up the receiver. A male voice
was asking if he could hear anything. He looked at Scully.
"How did he get directed here?"
"I don't know. He's still on the line?"
"Yeah. He's asking if you can umm... hear
what he's doing."
Scully took the phone away from Mulder and
hung it up.
"Why'd you do that?"
"You want to listen to him?"
Mulder colored slightly.
"No, it's just strange that we got the call."
She just laughed.
The day continued as normal with cases and
filing. Neither knew why they even attempted to file anything; all of the
cases were in an order only they understood. She smiled over at Mulder.
He looked up, curious about her smile.
"What?"
"Just thinking maybe we could get an intern
to file stuff for us."
"We'd never be able to find anything."
She nodded. "True, but it would be nice to
let them file and find files."
They laughed at the thought of some poor
intern attempting to adjust to their filing habits and schedule.
"How long to you think they'd last?"
"Does that include a week with an alien case?"
Mulder thought for a second. "No, they wouldn't last a week with an alien
case."
They just laughed. The phone rang, interrupting
the conversation. Scully answered the phone.
"Scully."
"Hey baby. Can I call you baby?"
She looked over at Mulder, then mouthed
'
he's back'. Reluctantly she answered.
"I guess."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Yes."
Mulder picked up the phone, curious to hear
what the guy was saying.
"I could be the guy on the side. I could
even be the guy in the middle if you have a girlfriend."
She rolled her eyes; Mulder just shook his
head. No wonder this guy had to prank call women; his pick up lines were
the worst Mulder'd ever heard.
"I don't have a girlfriend."
"That's ok. Want to hear something?"
Scully was about to hang up when Mulder shook
his head no. She looked at him questioningly. He muted his phone, then
walked over to her. She muted hers, curious as to what was going through
his head.
"What?"
"Let's mess with this guy's head."
"What?!"
"He seems to enjoy the attention. Come on,
I have to use my psychological profiling for something."
She rolled her eyes. Only Fox Mulder would
want to play head games with mentally insane.
"Please?"
"Ok, but only for a little bit."
Mulder walked over to his desk, unmuting
his phone. "Can I help you? I love to hear stuff like that."
He heard a surprised gasp. Scully unmuted
her phone.
"Now, come on, you promised I could be the
dominant personality today!"
"No, you got to be it yesterday."
"Wha...?"
Mulder winked at Scully, then said "If you
haven't noticed, I have many personalities."
Scully nodded. "There are several more of
us, but we're normally the ones you get."
The pervert was trying to think up a way
to counter this. He'd been yelled at, threatened, even had visits from
the police, but never found someone crazier than he was.
"Are you still there?" S>
"Yes, I've never had a three way before."
Mulder laughed. "How do you think sex is
for us?"
Scully chimed in. "You always finish first."
"No, Walter finishes first, Langly takes
the longest."
The pervert was now curious and a little
freaked out. "How many of you are there?"
"We really don't know, when did we stop counting?"
Mulder smiled at her. This was fun.
"A long time ago. Longer now than it seems,
in a place that perhaps you've seen in your dreams."
Scully laughed at the Nightmare before Christmas
quote.
"You were going to have us listen to something?"
They heard the zipper sound, but not the
surety of the pervert.
"I can't hear anything." S>
"Neither can I." M>
"Give me a second, I normally don't have
this large of an audience."
Scully muted her phone.
"How much longer of you want to play?"
Mulder smiled at her with puppy dog eyes.
"A little longer. I want to give him directions."
She just laughed. This guy would never call
back. She smiled as she unmuted her phone. This was getting interesting.
"Maybe it would work better if you used something."
S>
"Scented lotion helps me." M>
"That's were all my lotion goes!" S>
"Well, it's used on the same body." M>
The pervert was now more than a little curious.
"Are you guys a guy or a chick?"
"I'm a guy." M>
" I'm a chick." S>
"Yeah, I get that, but is the body male or
female?"
"Definitely male." M>
"No, it's female." S>
"You always argue with me." M>
"Because I'm always right. Don't make me
get mother." S>
"She died, remember? The shrink said she
couldn't murder anyone else." M>
"We killed her?" S>
"The shrink did, not us." M>
"Well, I just talked to her the other day.
She sounded fine." S>
Mulder laughed. The pervert however was not
as happy. These people needed serious help.
"Umm, it's not working right now."
"That's because you're not using lotion!"
They heard a shaky breath, then the guy hung
up. They turned to each other, then laughed. Skinner entered the office
wondering why the phone had been busy. He looked at his agents, then smiled.
He didn't get to hear them laugh very often. Scully smiled up at him.
"Yes Sir?"
"I tried to call, but the line way busy."
"We had a call that required both of our
attention."
Scully was able to finish the sentence before
she and Mulder broke down into laughter again. Skinner nodded as he edged
towards the door.
"I just wanted to remind you that the Meridian
case is due on Thursday."
They just nodded.
"Ok, what's so funny?"
"Our phone call was the most amusement we've
had all week."
"Ok, I'll be expecting your report then."
He walked out, still curious about the nature
of the call. Maybe they had finally gone crazy sitting down here with strange
cases.