Title: Katabasis (1/3)
Author: Siobhan
Rating: PG-13
Archive: If anyone's interested just let me know.
Feedback: Makes my world go 'round.
Spoilers: S6 Finale – contains vague spoilers or, more accurately, rumors.
Disclaimers: Joss is the Master of the Buffyverse and I own nothing but my daydreams.
A/N: So I was following a discussion on BAPS about the Harrowing of Hell and Alane wondered what Spike would think of Limbo. I thought it was an interesting idea so I decided to give it a try. Of course, the story soon took on a life of it's own (as they are wont to do) but still – it was inspired by Alane's question – so thanks Alane!
A/N 2: A HUGE thanks to Degan for being such an awesome beta and for being willing to work on such short notice.
1
2
3 Day 1
"Every sweet has it's sour; every evil it's good" – Ralph Waldo Emerson
*****
"You seek me, vampire?"
I looked around the cave. "You do the finger-paintings?" Somebody needed a new hobby. "Nice work."
"Answer me."
Right. Straight to business then. "Yeah. I seek you."
"Something about a women?" He paused. "The Slayer?" He sneered.
"Bitch thinks she's better than me." She's not. "Ever since I got this bleedin' chip in my head. Things ain't been right." It's changed everything. "Everything's gone to hell."
"And you want to return to your former self?"
"Yeah." Fix me.
The demon laughed, amused.
"What?" I had had enough of people not taking me seriously.
"Look what she's reduced you to."
"It's this bloody chip – " I began, infuriated.
"You were a legendary dark warrior." He looked me up and down. "And you let yourself be castrated."
Castrated? How dare –
"And now you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration."
"I'm still a warrior." I won't let her take that away from me.
"You're a pathetic excuse for a demon."
"Yeah, I'll show you pathetic -- give me your best shot!"
"You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request." He dismissed me.
"Do your worst." Just make it all stop. "But when I win I want what I came for," I said. "Bitch is going to see a change. Tell me what to do. Get rid of it."
"Very well," he replied, darkly. "Enter the tunnel."
"Huh?"
"Enter the tunnel." He pointed to an opening carved into the side of the cave, past the paintings.
"What - that's it? Kinda easy, innit?" I relaxed. "I mean, I came all the way to bloody Africa and that's it? Enter the tunnel -- bit anticlimactic, that."
"You will see another opening on the left. Enter and follow it all the way through. If you survive, the source of your troubles will be removed."
"Right then. Into the tunnel." Suddenly I felt a bit of nerves come over me. The whole if-I-survive part didn't sound too promising. Still, had to be better than what I had now. Bitch took my stones; time for me to get them back. "Ok then. Good luck with the . . . art." You're going to need it.
As the demon backed away, I turned towards the opening in the cave wall, braced myself and went on in.
*****
It was dark. Really dark. Even with my vampire sight it was tough going. I reached out my left hand and laid it along the wall as I walked so I wouldn't miss the entrance. After I had taken several steps the wall under my hand disappeared. I'd found my tunnel. Either my eyes had adjusted or there was light coming from somewhere because it gradually became easier to see and I could tell that the tunnel was narrow, maybe about four feet across, and rose a couple of feet above my head. It looked long but it was hard to know for sure. The walls went on seamlessly until they were swallowed by the darkness.
Checking out my surroundings took all of a minute and then I was left with nothing to do but walk. That got boring real quick. And it was quiet. Too quiet.
I moved through the tunnel, on guard, sure that I was about to be attacked. But nothing happened. Finally I lost patience. I was the Big Bad and ready for action – time to bring on the beasties.
"Hello?" I listened to my voice echo. "Hey, anyone out there?"
There was no answer. I kept on walking.
"So when do the trials start mate? This is right boring. When do we get to the action?
Nothing.
"Guess I'll just have to entertain myself," I muttered and began to sing.
"We're Man U and we are loud,
Loyal fans and totally proud,
Beat 'em at home beat 'em away,
Kill any bastards that get in our way. . ."
*****
It was hard to judge the passing of time. The light never changed, the only thing I ever heard was the sound of my own voice, and I was running out of songs.
"Three bottles of beer on the wall. Take one down and pass around. Two bottles of beer on the wall. Two bottles ---"
"Would you PLEASE shut up!"
I stopped walking and tried to figure out where the other voice was coming from. "Who said that?"
"If I have to listen to you sing even a minute more I would actually welcome death."
I rounded a curve and came upon a gnarled old man sitting in front of a gate set down in the middle of the tunnel. The man was sitting on a short wooden stool and was hunched over so far his gray beard rested on his knees. He was dressed in old rags and had a cigar in his mouth. He was trying to light it but his matches weren't working and the book was almost empty. He glared at me from under bushy gray eyebrows.
"Who are you, old man?"
"Don't call me old - I'm younger than you, aren't I?"
"If you say so, Grandpa." I looked at the gate behind him. It was closed and latched with a padlock that looked to be the size of my hand. "So what's with the gate?"
"Did you think you could just waltz in? Think it was going to be a breeze?" He dropped another spent match on the floor. "If it was easy, everybody would be doing it and I'd never get any peace."
"You want peace? Fine. Open the gate, Gramps, and I'll be on my way."
"I said it's not that easy. You want through the gate it's going to cost you. Normally I just charge a couple of bucks but after listening to your singing for the last several hours I've decided to raise the toll." He finally got a match lit but he singed his fingers and dropped it. "Damn!"
"What kind of toll? I don't have any money. Nobody said anything about a cover charge."
"How you're going to pay is your problem, not mine," he said, distracted. "All I do is collect the toll." He took out his last match. "But if you hope to continue I suggest you come up with something." He tried to light it but he couldn't get the match to catch flame. He pressed so hard the stick broke in half.
"Oh, for - " I took out my silver lighter. "Here. I can hardly negotiate with you if you won't pay attention."
He took my lighter and finally lit his cigar. He inhaled deeply. "Aahhh . . . that's good." He looked at me. "You're still here? What do you want?"
"I want to get through the gate. Now, about my toll . . ."
"It better be something good. You're really irritating."
"Oh, I'm the irritating one, am I? What about you, Pops? You're certainly no prize."
"Maybe not. But I've got the key to the gate, which is more than you can say."
He had a point. "Look Gramps, either you let me through the gate or . . . " I tried to come up with something suitable. He was human so I couldn't hurt him but maybe I could still threaten him. "You let me through . . . or . . . or I'll start singing again."
"You wouldn't!"
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailin' ---"
"Stop! Please – stop! You win! I'll let you through." He hopped off his stool and hobbled over to the gate, jingling a big key ring as he went. "Here." He opened the gate. "Get out of here. And no more singing!"
I ambled on through the gate, smirking. "Thanks mate. Been a real pleasure doing business with you."
I heard the gate slam shut behind me and his grumbles eventually faded into silence. Several minutes passed before I realized the old man had nicked my favorite lighter.
*****
I continued down the tunnel, sans music, until I rounded a curve and came upon another gate. In front of it was a huge demon. He had dark red skin that covered him like a shell, two horns, huge fangs, three eyes, and four arms on each side of his body. He was big and ugly and he sat in a wooden chair that looked like it was about to collapse under his weight.
Big Red looked up from the book he was reading. "Hello there," he said, politely. "You must be Spike."
"That's right. Who are you?"
"I'm K'larichevly K'ularite. My friends call me Karl. I'm here to -- "
"Wait! Let me guess. You watch the gate and if I want to get through I need to pay a toll. Am I getting this right?" He nodded. "What's the toll?"
"That depends, what have you got?"
"What you see is what you get, Karl." I held my arms out. "This is all I've got." He looked unimpressed. It was time to get mean again. "So why don't you let me through before you make me get tough and hurt you." I did my best to look menacing but it didn't feel right without the duster.
His laughter echoed through the tunnel. He dropped his book and hugged his sides as he laughed harder. I leaned back against the tunnel wall and waited for his apparent hysteria to subside. Being the Big Bad just didn't seem to generate the same respect anymore. First Picasso, back in the cave, and now Karl. Eventually his laughter tapered off and he wiped tears away from his three eyes.
"Oh, oh Spike. That was funny. You force me . . . " He started up again. After a couple of minutes he got himself back under control. "Oh my." He wiped away more tears. "I haven't laughed that hard in at least a millennium."
"What's so funny?" I asked, irritated. "I am evil, you know. Why do some people have such a hard time remembering that?"
"Oh, yeah. You're real evil," he said, sarcasm obvious. He got up from his chair and walked over to the gate. "Here. Go on through. Your entertainment value is enough to pay your toll." He opened the gate and turned to me.
I pushed away from the wall, surprised. "You're just going to let me through?'
"Sure."
"That's awfully nice of you." Something was not right here. "Can you do that? What with you being a demon and all?"
He gave me a small smile. "Do you think just because I'm a demon I have to be mean? I can't do something nice?"
"No! No, you can't. You're a demon. Demons are evil. We're evil." I couldn't believe I had to explain this to him. "Ask anyone. We don't do nice things. Unless it's for each other and that usually includes making a gift of someone's liver."
"I get it. So all demons are evil, horrible creatures who can't do a bit of good?"
"That's right."
"And I guess that means that all humans are shining good creatures without a hint of darkness to them. Right?"
"Well, no but . . ."
"Boy, have you got a lot to learn." He shook his head. "You better get to it." I didn't move; there had to be catch. He sighed. "You have a choice here, Spike. Either accept the fact that not all demons are evil and walk through the gate. Or cling to your beliefs and stay here." He rolled his eyes when I didn't move. "Or, if it makes you feel better, I can take your head as the toll. That's evil enough. Would that make you happy?"
"Er . . . no. No thanks." I walked towards the gate. "That's ok. I'll just be on my way then. Thanks for the whole being nice thing. 'preciate it, mate." I slipped through the gate, watching him the whole time. The minute I was through he slammed it shut behind me and walked back to his chair.
As he sat down and picked up his book I could hear him muttering to himself. "What a child. I swear, kids these days . . . Demon evil, human good. Talk about small minds . . ."
*****
I thought about what Karl had said as I continued down the tunnel. Life was so much better when everything was black and white. I missed the good old days, with its easy answers. As I walked I kept on expecting to come upon another gate behind each curve but after a while that got old and I stopped expecting anything. Of course, just as I stopped expecting it, I rounded a curve and came upon the third gate.
There was a young woman sitting in front of this one. She sat in a rocking chair and was working on a piece of embroidery. She was dressed like one of the women who had been in my circle when I was still alive, in a long gown with a tight bodice and a high collar. She was beautiful with brown, upswept hair and large eyes. She kind of reminded me of . . .
She looked up at the sound of my approach. "Hello there. You must be William." She spoke with an upper class British accent.
"I'm not William," I said gruffly. "Name's Spike." Who did she remind me of?
"Sorry, my mistake." She gave me a polite smile and returned to her embroidery.
I stared at her for a few minutes, waiting for her to look at me again but she acted like I wasn't even there. This could take a while.
"Fine." I sighed. "I'm William. Does that make you happy?"
She laid the embroidery down in her lap and smiled up at me. "Yes it does. It's a pleasure to meet you William. What can I do for you?"
"You can let me through the gate."
"I'm sorry. Am I in your way? Please go on through." She smiled up at me.
"It's locked. Don't you have to unlock it or something?" I waved my hand in her direction. "Collect a toll?"
"A toll? Goodness. Do I look like a common laborer to you?" She said, insulted. "I assure you I do not collect tolls of any sort. Such things are not befitting a lady of my stature and position."
"Of course not. I do beg your pardon. I meant no insult." I felt myself falling into old habits. This had to stop. I had left that pathetic loser behind years ago and I wasn't interested in going back. On the other hand, I needed to keep going and that meant dealing with Little Miss Muffet. "If I might inquire?"
"Yes?"
"You wouldn't happen to know how I could get through the gate, would you? You see, I have to get to a meeting and I would hate to be late. Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated."
Her brow wrinkled prettily as she gave the matter some thought. "Well . . . I suppose I could tell you what the last gentleman did to get through. Would that help?" She blinked up at me.
I gritted my teeth. Gads. "Yes. Yes, that would be very helpful. What did the previous chap do?"
"Well, he was a poet. He composed a lovely poem for me and got down on bended knee to recite it. It was quite romantic, if you see what I mean."
"Arrrgghhh!" I swung around and slammed my fist into the tunnel wall. I knew it. I knew this was going to be bad. The minute I saw her I got the worst feeling in my stomach.
"Oh!"
I turned around at her cry. She had shrunk back into her chair and was staring at me with a combination of disapproval and fright. "Sir! There is no call for such unbecoming behavior." She sat up straight and looked at me with distaste. "If you cannot behave like a gentleman then I demand that you leave my presence at once. I'll not associate with those who do not measure up!"
I took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of my nose in an effort to calm myself. This wasn't going well. Time to play the git. "Once again, I do beg your pardon, my lady. I hope my oafishness has not been too offsetting. I was just startled, you see, by the fact that others have made the same journey as I hope to complete. I ask that you give me another chance."
She relaxed just a bit. "Very well," she said, mollified. "But you are going to have to try very hard to impress me to make you for your previous behavior." She brightened up a bit. "Perhaps a bit of love poetry . . . "
"You want me to compose a poem for you? And then kneel at your feet and recite it?" I asked in disbelief. No way in hell was I doing that. "Sorry luv. Not gonna happen."
"Why not?"
"I'm a vampire, not some bloody poet. I don't do those kinds of things anymore . . . ever. I mean ever. I don't do those kinds of things ever."
"What's stopping you? Your pride?" She sniffed.
"That's right. My pride. I won't let it be trampled for your entertainment." Again. "Besides, I prefer to think of it as stoicism, not pride. The birds like that, you know. They go for the impassive types." I thumped myself on the chest. "Like me."
She looked at me in disbelief. Poetry it was then.
I leaned back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling, hoping for inspiration. So what kind of poetry did evil vampires compose? I gave it some thought and then –
There was once a git name Xander
Who liked to spread around slander
I ripped out his lungs
And made him swallow his tongue
And we all lived happily ever –
"My word!"
Ummm . . . maybe not. The sound of her horrified voice caught my attention and I looked over to find her staring at me. Almost as if she could read my mind.
The look of horror on her face stirred an old memory. I looked away and when I turned back she had returned to her embroidery. I sighed. It was no good; I knew that. But it was all I had. Besides, I really wasn't the stoic type. Wrong constitution.
I pushed myself from the wall and walked towards her. She looked up as I neared. Her eyes grew even bigger as she watched me fall to my knees in front of her. I reached for one of her hands and aimed my most soulful look at her.
"My heart expands.
'tis grown a bulge in't
inspired by
your beauty effulgent."
"Oh." She blinked a few times. "Oh my, that was . . . that was . . ."
I held my breath while I waited for her verdict. I can't believe it mattered but apparently it did. Wanker.
"That was beautiful." She smiled down at me. "Simply wonderful. I'm honored that I was able to inspire such brilliance from you."
"Thank you." I smiled back at her and stood up. "Glad you enjoyed it."
She stood as well and laid her embroidery hoop down on her rocking chair. "I suppose you'll want to be moving on? You've certainly earned it." She walked over to the gate taking a chain from underneath her dress. "I have the key right here on my necklace."
She unlocked the gate and stood back while I opened it. I turned to look at her. "Thank you."
"No, William. Thank you. Safe journey." She waved me off as the gate shut behind me. Whoever thought the old poet could be useful? Maybe he hadn't been so bad after all.
*****
Not too much time passed before I heard voices, a man and a woman, arguing. As I got closer the voices became more distinct and I realized they sounded a bit familiar but I couldn't place them. I decided, for once, to proceed cautiously until I could figure things out.
I stuck my head around the corner and then quickly pulled it back. Bloody hell! Or perhaps it was just Hell period. It had to be. Because only in Hell would I come upon Xander and Harmony playing Ping-Pong.
I could hear them quite clearly now.
"Ow! What did you do that for?"
"Do what?"
"You hit me with the ball."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Xander Harris, you know very well you did. And you probably did it on purpose too!"
"Harmony Kendall," he mimicked. "You know very well I didn't. Besides, you're a vampire. Aren't you supposed to move with super speed? Why didn't you get out of the way?"
"That's Master Vampire to you, buddy. Say it!"
"No."
"Say it."
"No."
"Say . . ."
Damn. I couldn't do this. I was going to have to quit. There was no way I was going to survive those two numbskulls and since they had to set up their Ping-Pong table in front of the gate I couldn't sneak around them. I turned around to walk back the way I had come and made it about a half a dozen steps before I ran into a wall. The tunnel had become one-way. The only open space was the one heading towards the Wonder twins; the other three sides were solid rock.
"Oh, right. Isn't that just ducky? Not too subtle, mind you, but effective." I looked up at the ceiling. "Ok, mate. I get it. No going back. Nice little lesson there. Thanks a lot."
Silence greeted my little fit until a voice broke it. "Did you hear that? Sounded like someone's in the tunnel. Talking to himself. Why would anyone want to do that?"
"Beat's talking to you, " Xander said. The git had a point. Unfortunately, someone had decided I had no choice; the only way was forward.
"Hey! Hey, you there!" Xander yelled. "Come on out. We know you're out there. Don't make us hurt you."
"Oh please. Like you even could." I swear I could hear Harmony's eyes rolling around in her head. "What are going to do? Hit him with your Ping- Pong paddle? Leave a nasty waffle imprint on his skin?"
"Would you just --" He broke off. "Whoever is out there doesn't know we don't have any weapons. Besides, I've had military training. I happen to be an expert at hand-to-hand combat."
"You have not had military training! Your fevered little brain thought you were a soldier for, like, an hour. That doesn't count. If it's anything bad, just stay out of my way. I'm a vampire, remember? I can handle it."
"Oh -- what? You gonna pull his hair? That's real scary!"
"Worked with you, didn't it?"
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Did . . ."
Yep. This was Hell. Since I couldn't go back I might as well go forward and deal with it. It was either that or stay in the tunnel for eternity listening to Xander and Harmony yapping.
"Would you two shut your gobs!" I came around the corner.
"Spike!" Xander yelped my name in that annoying way of his.
"Blondie Bear!" Xander shot her a look. "I mean . . . Spike!"
"Quick! Somebody stake him. He's evil." Xander looked around like he was expecting to see someone other than Harmony or myself. "Never mind -- I'll do it myself."
He ran towards me, aiming for my heart. I grabbed him when he was within six inches and looked at his hand. "Gonna take me out with a Ping-Pong paddle, are you? Not a very good way to go. I think I'll pass, if you don't mind." I grabbed the paddle from his hand and threw it into the tunnel behind me.
Xander pulled his hand loose and ran back behind the Ping-Pong table as Harmony began to saunter towards me. Looked like it was her turn.
"Spike. Spike. Spike."
"Harmony. Harmony. Harmony."
"What?" She asked, stopping her forward progress.
"What what?"
"You said my name. So I'm saying what - did you want something?"
I sighed. This was going to be fun. "Actually, I was hoping to get through the gate. Need to see a man about a chip. Care to let me pass?" I approached her, smiling seductively. "You know, for old times sake."
"Sure, you can pass. But it's going to cost you. I'm not cheap. At least not anymore."
"C'mon, sugar plum. You can let me pass, can't you? A favor for an old friend?" I traced a finger down her arm and watched her melt.
"Well, maybe just this once --- No!" She pulled back. "No, Spike. I'm not going to let you sweet-talk me again. I have a job to do and I'm going to do it."
"A job?" I asked.
"Sure. Girl's got to make an unliving, doesn't she? I thought about maybe opening my own detective agency, you know, helping the helpless and stuff," she paused. "But that didn't work out so well. So when they offered me this job I said sure, why not? Money's good." She smiled. "They give out bonuses and stuff. My review is coming up." She bounced up and down a few times. "I'm hoping they'll give me a raise. Or else let me eat Xander. Either one is fine."
"Hey!" Monkey boy was still hiding behind the Ping-Pong table.
"Shut up!" Harm and I both said at the same time. We shared a smile. I forget, why did I ever get rid of her?
"So pay up, Spikey." She brightened. "Do you have something pretty for me? Or . . . or a unicorn. Did you bring any unicorns?" She looked past me into the tunnel.
Oh yeah, that's right. She's an irritating bint. That's why I got rid of her.
"Nope. Sorry. Left the unicorns in my other coat." I pointed to the gate. "Any other ideas about how to get through?"
"Hmmm." Harmony folded her arms and tapped a finger to her chin, thinking. Evidently it didn't work because she dropped her arms. "Let me consult with my associate. Give us a moment please."
She walked over to Xander and the two began talking in low voices. Within a minute they were arguing in low voices. A minute after that they were just plain arguing. Finally they reached some sort of agreement and walked around the table until they were in front of me.
"We've discussed your little problem, Spike," Xander said. "And we've agreed to let you pass. But it's going to cost you."
"I figured as much. What's the price? And mind you, I'm fresh out of poetry."
"Well, you see, Spike, we have some issues with you." Harmony pointed to herself and Xander. "And before we let you pass we thought this might be a good time to work them out."
"Harm . . . have you been reading those self-help books again?" I asked.
"Yes. Yes, I have. And I've learned a lot. You were really mean to me Spike. I loved you and you didn't even care." She had obviously been saving up. "I gave you everything I had and you gave me nothing in return. But I've been doing some reading and I've realized I deserve better. I may not be perfect but I deserve to be treated with respect." She put her hands on her hips. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to love someone with all your heart? To give that person everything you have? To know that no matter how strong your feelings the other person doesn't feel the same way? Do you know how that feels, Spike? Do you?"
I looked at Harmony and a strange feeling came over me. I had always thought of her as more of a toy, something I could take out when I was looking for a distraction and then ignore the rest of the time. I suddenly realized that I could identify with what she had been through. And I knew how much it hurt to be treated that way.
I looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry Harmony. You deserved better than I gave you. I didn't love you and you deserve to be loved." I finally got it.
She stared at me in silence. I had actually shocked Harmony speechless. She blinked to clear the tears I could see pooling in her eyes. She gave me a short nod. "Thanks Spike." She turned and walked over to the gate.
I tore my eyes away from Harmony to see Xander staring at me and all the resentment came rushing back. Here he was, the little self-righteous, I'm- better-than-you whelp, in all his glory. I glared at him and he glared right back at me.
"You may be able to charm Harmony but it won't work with me." He said. "She doesn't know any better. But I know exactly what you are and I won't ever forget."
"No, you won't. And you won't let me forget either, will you?" I started to pace. I knew I needed his help but months of frustration suddenly came bubbling up. "I've been your ally. I've fought side by side with you and saved your life, more than once. And yet you look at me and you don't see any of that, do you? You see an evil, soulless thing. Something that can't change. Something that deserves to be killed." I stopped and pointed at him. "What makes you think you know me? You don't know anything about me and you never have!"
"I know all I need to know," he said. "You're a vampire, Spike. We kill vampires. You . . . they are evil things and they need to be killed!" He talked to me like he would a difficult child.
"Then why don't you kill Angel? He's a vampire. Why don't you go to L.A. and kill the Special One? Hell, I'll give you a ride!"
"I've thought about it. Don't think I haven't. But Angel's different. He's a demon but he has a soul."
"And that's all it takes for you? Give a bloke a soul and everything is keen again? You think that makes him a saint? Is that it?"
"No. But it's a start. And it's more than you have."
I gripped the back of my neck, trying to figure out how to convince him. "But what if I want to do good? Does that count? I've tried you know." I started to pace again. "I've fought the 'good fight' for months now. Tried to be what she needed. Thought about doing the right thing. But you've never cared. So I don't have a soul, just this bloody chip in my head. Does that mean my efforts to do good should just be ignored?"
"You can't choose to do good, Spike! You don't have a soul; you don't have the strength to make such a choice."
"Yes I do!"
"No!" He yelled. "No, you don't. You're a vampire. You can't be good, no matter how much you might think you can. Vampires can't be good. They have no chance. If they did then - " He cut himself off.
"If they did - what? What? Would your world come to a crashing end? What would happen if they did have such a chance?"
"They don't!"
"They do!" We were both yelling now. "What would happen if they had a chance?"
"Nothing! It can't happen!" He started to turn away and I grabbed him.
"Don't walk away from me." I was on to something. "You started this. Not me. Answer the question. What would happen?" I started to shake him. "Answer me! If I could be good? If I had a chance? What would it mean?"
"It would mean that I murdered Jesse!" He tore himself away from me.
Jesse? Who the hell was Jesse?
"Who?' I asked.
Xander retreated to the end of the table, ignoring me.
"Jesse was his best friend," Harmony said. I had forgotten she was there. "Shortly after Buffy came to town, Jesse was kidnapped by the Master's minions. They vamped him. There was a big fight at the Bronze. Xander had a stake and Jesse was pushed onto it. He went poof."
"I killed him. He was my best friend. But those monsters came and they took him and killed him. And then I had to kill him again."
I watched as Xander struggled with his story.
"He wasn't my friend anymore. He was a monster in my friend's body. He was doomed. Do you understand?" He looked up. "Doomed." He walked back to me. "I didn't mean to kill him but the fact that I did was a favor. The Jesse I knew wouldn't have wanted to be what he had become. I didn't kill my friend. I killed a monster. A monster that could never be my friend again."
I stared at him in silence, finally understanding. Xander had to believe that vampires were evil, soulless creatures with no hope of changing. He had to believe that we had no free will, that we were doomed to be evil forever. Because if Jesse had a chance to change and Xander took that chance away from him, then he really did kill him. And the whelp couldn't handle that.
I took a deep breath. Suddenly Xander's resentment of me and his deliberate ignorance of my actions made sense. And once I understood what motivated him I couldn't resent his behavior quite so much. It still made me angry. And I wished he would get over it. But I also realized that he wasn't ready to have his world-view shattered. And we weren't going to be able to fix this.
Of course, I still had to figure out how to get him to open the gate.
I looked at Harmony, hoping that she might be able to help. She just shrugged at me. The she smiled.
"Xander!" She broke the silence that had fallen after his revelation.
He sighed in resignation. "What?"
"Wanna play Ping-Pong?"
"Sure, why not?" He walked over to his side of the table. "Hey, wait a minute. I don't have a paddle." He looked at me. "Give me back my paddle, dead boy."
"Make me." I smirked and curled my tongue around my teeth. "Bug-eater." I may have understood his bullheadedness but that didn't mean I had to like him. He was still a right wanker.
He walked towards me and started to go into the tunnel to retrieve his paddle. I blocked his way. He tried to go the other way and once again I blocked him.
We danced for a couple of minutes, Xander getting more frustrated and me having more fun.
"Dammit, I want my paddle! Get out of my way!"
"Tell you what mate, you open that gate over there," I pointed. "I'll get out of here, be on my way, and you'll be able to get your paddle."
He glared at me. "You promise you'll go?"
"Cross my heart." I gave him my most solemn look. Like I wanted to stick around here.
"Fine." He walked towards the gate. He and Harmony took out their keys and opened it.
Xander slammed the gate shut as soon as I passed. "Good riddance evil dead." He left to go get his paddle.
Harmony laid a hand on the gate. "Good luck."
"Thanks, luv. Bye." I began to walk away, wincing when I heard her reply.
"Bye Boo-boo."
*****
As I continued down the tunnel my thoughts turned to the confrontation with Harmony and Xander. I had gotten through the gate, but at what cost? I was left with all these fluffy-type feelings and I didn't like it. I hoped I was almost done. I was getting tired of all the introspection. Really wasn't my cuppa -- I was in the mood for some action.
"Action is his reward."
I looked up at the sound of the voice and saw another gate in front of me. This one had appeared out of nowhere, no rounding of corners needed. There was a school desk sitting in front of it and, sitting at the desk, a young girl. She had straight blonde hair and looked to be about ten years old.
"Action is whose reward?" I asked.
"Why the hero's, of course." She looked at me. "Are you a hero?"
"I'm a vampire -- nothing heroic in that, luv."
"Heroism is not about being but about doing. So I ask again, are you a hero?"
"I can't be a hero. Heroes are all about good and self-sacrifice. I'm about neither. I'm the Big Bad. A dark warrior, remember? Grr! Argh!" I slipped into game face, raised my hands, and took a step forward.
She stared at me for a minute and then started giggling. "Do it again!" She clapped her hands. "Do it again!"
I put my hands down and let my game face go. "How am I supposed to be scary if you're giggling at me?" I heard myself whine.
She tried to stop laughing. "I'm sorry. I can't help it. It's just you're so funny. Trying to be all bad and everything when you're not."
"I am *so* bad!" I cried, insulted.
"Oh, you are so not bad." She smiled at me. "My new kitty is more bad than you are. Of course, she still has her claws so that helps."
"I am bad. I may be temporarily declawed but as soon as I get this chip out things are gonna change. Certain people are going to be reminded of how bad I can be."
"But wouldn't you like to try something new?" She shrugged and continued on without waiting for my reply. "Oh well. I guess that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. Good luck."
"Gee thanks." I said, my sarcasm obvious. "In the meantime, any suggestions on how to get through the gate? How many are there, by the way?"
"This is the last one." That was good news. The trip to Africa had been rough and I had been walking for hours. I was exhausted and I was getting hungry. Hopefully I could get through, get my chip out, and grab a little someone to eat. "As for getting through," she continued, "well . . . only a certain type of person can pass."
"Wait -- I know this one. Only heroes can pass, right?"
She clapped her hands again. "That's right. Good job. So are you a hero?"
I sighed. Looked like the meal was going to have to wait. We'd already gone through this but I obviously wasn't going to get anywhere until she got the answer she was looking for. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to lie to her.
"No. Sorry, bit. I'm not a hero. Not even close. But lately I'm not a very good Big Bad either, if that counts. I'm an evil soulless thing who can't figure out which way to go. Neither monster nor man." I laughed bitterly. "Joke's on me, eh?"
"But I don't understand. Are you sure you're not a hero?"
"Yeah. I'm sure." I knew what hero was and I wasn't it.
"Well, how did you get this far then?" She stared at me, suddenly stricken. "You didn't cheat, did you?"
"Of course not! I never cheat! Well . . . maybe at cards. But not this," I said. "I didn't cheat. I passed through all the gates fair and square."
"Well if you didn't cheat . . . ?" She looked at me and I shook my head no.
"And you made it through all the other gates . . . ?" I nodded at her.
She tilted to her head. "I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"
"Spi - " I looked at her. "William. My name is William."
She smiled at me. "OK." She opened her desk and picked up a key, which she took over to the gate. It swung open at her touch.
"There you go. Best be on your way, William. They're waiting for you. I hope you figure it out."
"Thanks." I walked through the gate. "Wait a minute." I started to turn back around. "Who's waiting - " The gate slammed shut in my face and was immediately replaced by a wall of rock. The tunnel had shifted again and the gate and little girl were gone. "-for me?"
I turned back around and began to walk. I rounded a corner and saw a light. Looked like I was reaching the end of the tunnel. I sped up, eager to finally get this over with.
The tunnel opened into a huge cavern. I barely got a chance to look around when my view was blocked. I looked up and met the gaze of another demon. This one was at least seven feet tall and covered with scaly green skin. He had snake eyes and large pointed ears. His muscular arms hung down almost to his knees and ended in seven fingers all tipped with long, sharp nails.
"So, you the bloke in charge here, then? I made it. Time for you to pay up. Get rid of my little problem." He just stared at me. "Hey now. No welching." Got a date with a bitch, I do. "I made it through all your tests, didn't I? I'm all done."
"Done?" The demon said in a deep, gravelly voice. "I beg to differ, little man. You've only just begun."
"Who you calling little? And what do you mean, I've only just - " My words were suddenly cut off. I sensed his movement but he was too quick for my eyes to follow and next thing I knew I felt pain.
I looked down at my chest, saw a big hole and then looked at his hand. It was holding a heart.
"Hey! That's my heart!" I yelled. "Give it back! It's mine!"
I saw the demon hold up my heart and open his mouth in a wide smile, teeth gleaming. And then everything went black.
TBC
Author: Siobhan
Rating: PG-13
Archive: If anyone's interested just let me know.
Feedback: Makes my world go 'round.
Spoilers: S6 Finale – contains vague spoilers or, more accurately, rumors.
Disclaimers: Joss is the Master of the Buffyverse and I own nothing but my daydreams.
A/N: So I was following a discussion on BAPS about the Harrowing of Hell and Alane wondered what Spike would think of Limbo. I thought it was an interesting idea so I decided to give it a try. Of course, the story soon took on a life of it's own (as they are wont to do) but still – it was inspired by Alane's question – so thanks Alane!
A/N 2: A HUGE thanks to Degan for being such an awesome beta and for being willing to work on such short notice.
1
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3 Day 1
"Every sweet has it's sour; every evil it's good" – Ralph Waldo Emerson
*****
"You seek me, vampire?"
I looked around the cave. "You do the finger-paintings?" Somebody needed a new hobby. "Nice work."
"Answer me."
Right. Straight to business then. "Yeah. I seek you."
"Something about a women?" He paused. "The Slayer?" He sneered.
"Bitch thinks she's better than me." She's not. "Ever since I got this bleedin' chip in my head. Things ain't been right." It's changed everything. "Everything's gone to hell."
"And you want to return to your former self?"
"Yeah." Fix me.
The demon laughed, amused.
"What?" I had had enough of people not taking me seriously.
"Look what she's reduced you to."
"It's this bloody chip – " I began, infuriated.
"You were a legendary dark warrior." He looked me up and down. "And you let yourself be castrated."
Castrated? How dare –
"And now you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration."
"I'm still a warrior." I won't let her take that away from me.
"You're a pathetic excuse for a demon."
"Yeah, I'll show you pathetic -- give me your best shot!"
"You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request." He dismissed me.
"Do your worst." Just make it all stop. "But when I win I want what I came for," I said. "Bitch is going to see a change. Tell me what to do. Get rid of it."
"Very well," he replied, darkly. "Enter the tunnel."
"Huh?"
"Enter the tunnel." He pointed to an opening carved into the side of the cave, past the paintings.
"What - that's it? Kinda easy, innit?" I relaxed. "I mean, I came all the way to bloody Africa and that's it? Enter the tunnel -- bit anticlimactic, that."
"You will see another opening on the left. Enter and follow it all the way through. If you survive, the source of your troubles will be removed."
"Right then. Into the tunnel." Suddenly I felt a bit of nerves come over me. The whole if-I-survive part didn't sound too promising. Still, had to be better than what I had now. Bitch took my stones; time for me to get them back. "Ok then. Good luck with the . . . art." You're going to need it.
As the demon backed away, I turned towards the opening in the cave wall, braced myself and went on in.
*****
It was dark. Really dark. Even with my vampire sight it was tough going. I reached out my left hand and laid it along the wall as I walked so I wouldn't miss the entrance. After I had taken several steps the wall under my hand disappeared. I'd found my tunnel. Either my eyes had adjusted or there was light coming from somewhere because it gradually became easier to see and I could tell that the tunnel was narrow, maybe about four feet across, and rose a couple of feet above my head. It looked long but it was hard to know for sure. The walls went on seamlessly until they were swallowed by the darkness.
Checking out my surroundings took all of a minute and then I was left with nothing to do but walk. That got boring real quick. And it was quiet. Too quiet.
I moved through the tunnel, on guard, sure that I was about to be attacked. But nothing happened. Finally I lost patience. I was the Big Bad and ready for action – time to bring on the beasties.
"Hello?" I listened to my voice echo. "Hey, anyone out there?"
There was no answer. I kept on walking.
"So when do the trials start mate? This is right boring. When do we get to the action?
Nothing.
"Guess I'll just have to entertain myself," I muttered and began to sing.
"We're Man U and we are loud,
Loyal fans and totally proud,
Beat 'em at home beat 'em away,
Kill any bastards that get in our way. . ."
*****
It was hard to judge the passing of time. The light never changed, the only thing I ever heard was the sound of my own voice, and I was running out of songs.
"Three bottles of beer on the wall. Take one down and pass around. Two bottles of beer on the wall. Two bottles ---"
"Would you PLEASE shut up!"
I stopped walking and tried to figure out where the other voice was coming from. "Who said that?"
"If I have to listen to you sing even a minute more I would actually welcome death."
I rounded a curve and came upon a gnarled old man sitting in front of a gate set down in the middle of the tunnel. The man was sitting on a short wooden stool and was hunched over so far his gray beard rested on his knees. He was dressed in old rags and had a cigar in his mouth. He was trying to light it but his matches weren't working and the book was almost empty. He glared at me from under bushy gray eyebrows.
"Who are you, old man?"
"Don't call me old - I'm younger than you, aren't I?"
"If you say so, Grandpa." I looked at the gate behind him. It was closed and latched with a padlock that looked to be the size of my hand. "So what's with the gate?"
"Did you think you could just waltz in? Think it was going to be a breeze?" He dropped another spent match on the floor. "If it was easy, everybody would be doing it and I'd never get any peace."
"You want peace? Fine. Open the gate, Gramps, and I'll be on my way."
"I said it's not that easy. You want through the gate it's going to cost you. Normally I just charge a couple of bucks but after listening to your singing for the last several hours I've decided to raise the toll." He finally got a match lit but he singed his fingers and dropped it. "Damn!"
"What kind of toll? I don't have any money. Nobody said anything about a cover charge."
"How you're going to pay is your problem, not mine," he said, distracted. "All I do is collect the toll." He took out his last match. "But if you hope to continue I suggest you come up with something." He tried to light it but he couldn't get the match to catch flame. He pressed so hard the stick broke in half.
"Oh, for - " I took out my silver lighter. "Here. I can hardly negotiate with you if you won't pay attention."
He took my lighter and finally lit his cigar. He inhaled deeply. "Aahhh . . . that's good." He looked at me. "You're still here? What do you want?"
"I want to get through the gate. Now, about my toll . . ."
"It better be something good. You're really irritating."
"Oh, I'm the irritating one, am I? What about you, Pops? You're certainly no prize."
"Maybe not. But I've got the key to the gate, which is more than you can say."
He had a point. "Look Gramps, either you let me through the gate or . . . " I tried to come up with something suitable. He was human so I couldn't hurt him but maybe I could still threaten him. "You let me through . . . or . . . or I'll start singing again."
"You wouldn't!"
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this tropic port,
aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailin' ---"
"Stop! Please – stop! You win! I'll let you through." He hopped off his stool and hobbled over to the gate, jingling a big key ring as he went. "Here." He opened the gate. "Get out of here. And no more singing!"
I ambled on through the gate, smirking. "Thanks mate. Been a real pleasure doing business with you."
I heard the gate slam shut behind me and his grumbles eventually faded into silence. Several minutes passed before I realized the old man had nicked my favorite lighter.
*****
I continued down the tunnel, sans music, until I rounded a curve and came upon another gate. In front of it was a huge demon. He had dark red skin that covered him like a shell, two horns, huge fangs, three eyes, and four arms on each side of his body. He was big and ugly and he sat in a wooden chair that looked like it was about to collapse under his weight.
Big Red looked up from the book he was reading. "Hello there," he said, politely. "You must be Spike."
"That's right. Who are you?"
"I'm K'larichevly K'ularite. My friends call me Karl. I'm here to -- "
"Wait! Let me guess. You watch the gate and if I want to get through I need to pay a toll. Am I getting this right?" He nodded. "What's the toll?"
"That depends, what have you got?"
"What you see is what you get, Karl." I held my arms out. "This is all I've got." He looked unimpressed. It was time to get mean again. "So why don't you let me through before you make me get tough and hurt you." I did my best to look menacing but it didn't feel right without the duster.
His laughter echoed through the tunnel. He dropped his book and hugged his sides as he laughed harder. I leaned back against the tunnel wall and waited for his apparent hysteria to subside. Being the Big Bad just didn't seem to generate the same respect anymore. First Picasso, back in the cave, and now Karl. Eventually his laughter tapered off and he wiped tears away from his three eyes.
"Oh, oh Spike. That was funny. You force me . . . " He started up again. After a couple of minutes he got himself back under control. "Oh my." He wiped away more tears. "I haven't laughed that hard in at least a millennium."
"What's so funny?" I asked, irritated. "I am evil, you know. Why do some people have such a hard time remembering that?"
"Oh, yeah. You're real evil," he said, sarcasm obvious. He got up from his chair and walked over to the gate. "Here. Go on through. Your entertainment value is enough to pay your toll." He opened the gate and turned to me.
I pushed away from the wall, surprised. "You're just going to let me through?'
"Sure."
"That's awfully nice of you." Something was not right here. "Can you do that? What with you being a demon and all?"
He gave me a small smile. "Do you think just because I'm a demon I have to be mean? I can't do something nice?"
"No! No, you can't. You're a demon. Demons are evil. We're evil." I couldn't believe I had to explain this to him. "Ask anyone. We don't do nice things. Unless it's for each other and that usually includes making a gift of someone's liver."
"I get it. So all demons are evil, horrible creatures who can't do a bit of good?"
"That's right."
"And I guess that means that all humans are shining good creatures without a hint of darkness to them. Right?"
"Well, no but . . ."
"Boy, have you got a lot to learn." He shook his head. "You better get to it." I didn't move; there had to be catch. He sighed. "You have a choice here, Spike. Either accept the fact that not all demons are evil and walk through the gate. Or cling to your beliefs and stay here." He rolled his eyes when I didn't move. "Or, if it makes you feel better, I can take your head as the toll. That's evil enough. Would that make you happy?"
"Er . . . no. No thanks." I walked towards the gate. "That's ok. I'll just be on my way then. Thanks for the whole being nice thing. 'preciate it, mate." I slipped through the gate, watching him the whole time. The minute I was through he slammed it shut behind me and walked back to his chair.
As he sat down and picked up his book I could hear him muttering to himself. "What a child. I swear, kids these days . . . Demon evil, human good. Talk about small minds . . ."
*****
I thought about what Karl had said as I continued down the tunnel. Life was so much better when everything was black and white. I missed the good old days, with its easy answers. As I walked I kept on expecting to come upon another gate behind each curve but after a while that got old and I stopped expecting anything. Of course, just as I stopped expecting it, I rounded a curve and came upon the third gate.
There was a young woman sitting in front of this one. She sat in a rocking chair and was working on a piece of embroidery. She was dressed like one of the women who had been in my circle when I was still alive, in a long gown with a tight bodice and a high collar. She was beautiful with brown, upswept hair and large eyes. She kind of reminded me of . . .
She looked up at the sound of my approach. "Hello there. You must be William." She spoke with an upper class British accent.
"I'm not William," I said gruffly. "Name's Spike." Who did she remind me of?
"Sorry, my mistake." She gave me a polite smile and returned to her embroidery.
I stared at her for a few minutes, waiting for her to look at me again but she acted like I wasn't even there. This could take a while.
"Fine." I sighed. "I'm William. Does that make you happy?"
She laid the embroidery down in her lap and smiled up at me. "Yes it does. It's a pleasure to meet you William. What can I do for you?"
"You can let me through the gate."
"I'm sorry. Am I in your way? Please go on through." She smiled up at me.
"It's locked. Don't you have to unlock it or something?" I waved my hand in her direction. "Collect a toll?"
"A toll? Goodness. Do I look like a common laborer to you?" She said, insulted. "I assure you I do not collect tolls of any sort. Such things are not befitting a lady of my stature and position."
"Of course not. I do beg your pardon. I meant no insult." I felt myself falling into old habits. This had to stop. I had left that pathetic loser behind years ago and I wasn't interested in going back. On the other hand, I needed to keep going and that meant dealing with Little Miss Muffet. "If I might inquire?"
"Yes?"
"You wouldn't happen to know how I could get through the gate, would you? You see, I have to get to a meeting and I would hate to be late. Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated."
Her brow wrinkled prettily as she gave the matter some thought. "Well . . . I suppose I could tell you what the last gentleman did to get through. Would that help?" She blinked up at me.
I gritted my teeth. Gads. "Yes. Yes, that would be very helpful. What did the previous chap do?"
"Well, he was a poet. He composed a lovely poem for me and got down on bended knee to recite it. It was quite romantic, if you see what I mean."
"Arrrgghhh!" I swung around and slammed my fist into the tunnel wall. I knew it. I knew this was going to be bad. The minute I saw her I got the worst feeling in my stomach.
"Oh!"
I turned around at her cry. She had shrunk back into her chair and was staring at me with a combination of disapproval and fright. "Sir! There is no call for such unbecoming behavior." She sat up straight and looked at me with distaste. "If you cannot behave like a gentleman then I demand that you leave my presence at once. I'll not associate with those who do not measure up!"
I took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of my nose in an effort to calm myself. This wasn't going well. Time to play the git. "Once again, I do beg your pardon, my lady. I hope my oafishness has not been too offsetting. I was just startled, you see, by the fact that others have made the same journey as I hope to complete. I ask that you give me another chance."
She relaxed just a bit. "Very well," she said, mollified. "But you are going to have to try very hard to impress me to make you for your previous behavior." She brightened up a bit. "Perhaps a bit of love poetry . . . "
"You want me to compose a poem for you? And then kneel at your feet and recite it?" I asked in disbelief. No way in hell was I doing that. "Sorry luv. Not gonna happen."
"Why not?"
"I'm a vampire, not some bloody poet. I don't do those kinds of things anymore . . . ever. I mean ever. I don't do those kinds of things ever."
"What's stopping you? Your pride?" She sniffed.
"That's right. My pride. I won't let it be trampled for your entertainment." Again. "Besides, I prefer to think of it as stoicism, not pride. The birds like that, you know. They go for the impassive types." I thumped myself on the chest. "Like me."
She looked at me in disbelief. Poetry it was then.
I leaned back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling, hoping for inspiration. So what kind of poetry did evil vampires compose? I gave it some thought and then –
There was once a git name Xander
Who liked to spread around slander
I ripped out his lungs
And made him swallow his tongue
And we all lived happily ever –
"My word!"
Ummm . . . maybe not. The sound of her horrified voice caught my attention and I looked over to find her staring at me. Almost as if she could read my mind.
The look of horror on her face stirred an old memory. I looked away and when I turned back she had returned to her embroidery. I sighed. It was no good; I knew that. But it was all I had. Besides, I really wasn't the stoic type. Wrong constitution.
I pushed myself from the wall and walked towards her. She looked up as I neared. Her eyes grew even bigger as she watched me fall to my knees in front of her. I reached for one of her hands and aimed my most soulful look at her.
"My heart expands.
'tis grown a bulge in't
inspired by
your beauty effulgent."
"Oh." She blinked a few times. "Oh my, that was . . . that was . . ."
I held my breath while I waited for her verdict. I can't believe it mattered but apparently it did. Wanker.
"That was beautiful." She smiled down at me. "Simply wonderful. I'm honored that I was able to inspire such brilliance from you."
"Thank you." I smiled back at her and stood up. "Glad you enjoyed it."
She stood as well and laid her embroidery hoop down on her rocking chair. "I suppose you'll want to be moving on? You've certainly earned it." She walked over to the gate taking a chain from underneath her dress. "I have the key right here on my necklace."
She unlocked the gate and stood back while I opened it. I turned to look at her. "Thank you."
"No, William. Thank you. Safe journey." She waved me off as the gate shut behind me. Whoever thought the old poet could be useful? Maybe he hadn't been so bad after all.
*****
Not too much time passed before I heard voices, a man and a woman, arguing. As I got closer the voices became more distinct and I realized they sounded a bit familiar but I couldn't place them. I decided, for once, to proceed cautiously until I could figure things out.
I stuck my head around the corner and then quickly pulled it back. Bloody hell! Or perhaps it was just Hell period. It had to be. Because only in Hell would I come upon Xander and Harmony playing Ping-Pong.
I could hear them quite clearly now.
"Ow! What did you do that for?"
"Do what?"
"You hit me with the ball."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
"No, I didn't."
"Xander Harris, you know very well you did. And you probably did it on purpose too!"
"Harmony Kendall," he mimicked. "You know very well I didn't. Besides, you're a vampire. Aren't you supposed to move with super speed? Why didn't you get out of the way?"
"That's Master Vampire to you, buddy. Say it!"
"No."
"Say it."
"No."
"Say . . ."
Damn. I couldn't do this. I was going to have to quit. There was no way I was going to survive those two numbskulls and since they had to set up their Ping-Pong table in front of the gate I couldn't sneak around them. I turned around to walk back the way I had come and made it about a half a dozen steps before I ran into a wall. The tunnel had become one-way. The only open space was the one heading towards the Wonder twins; the other three sides were solid rock.
"Oh, right. Isn't that just ducky? Not too subtle, mind you, but effective." I looked up at the ceiling. "Ok, mate. I get it. No going back. Nice little lesson there. Thanks a lot."
Silence greeted my little fit until a voice broke it. "Did you hear that? Sounded like someone's in the tunnel. Talking to himself. Why would anyone want to do that?"
"Beat's talking to you, " Xander said. The git had a point. Unfortunately, someone had decided I had no choice; the only way was forward.
"Hey! Hey, you there!" Xander yelled. "Come on out. We know you're out there. Don't make us hurt you."
"Oh please. Like you even could." I swear I could hear Harmony's eyes rolling around in her head. "What are going to do? Hit him with your Ping- Pong paddle? Leave a nasty waffle imprint on his skin?"
"Would you just --" He broke off. "Whoever is out there doesn't know we don't have any weapons. Besides, I've had military training. I happen to be an expert at hand-to-hand combat."
"You have not had military training! Your fevered little brain thought you were a soldier for, like, an hour. That doesn't count. If it's anything bad, just stay out of my way. I'm a vampire, remember? I can handle it."
"Oh -- what? You gonna pull his hair? That's real scary!"
"Worked with you, didn't it?"
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Did . . ."
Yep. This was Hell. Since I couldn't go back I might as well go forward and deal with it. It was either that or stay in the tunnel for eternity listening to Xander and Harmony yapping.
"Would you two shut your gobs!" I came around the corner.
"Spike!" Xander yelped my name in that annoying way of his.
"Blondie Bear!" Xander shot her a look. "I mean . . . Spike!"
"Quick! Somebody stake him. He's evil." Xander looked around like he was expecting to see someone other than Harmony or myself. "Never mind -- I'll do it myself."
He ran towards me, aiming for my heart. I grabbed him when he was within six inches and looked at his hand. "Gonna take me out with a Ping-Pong paddle, are you? Not a very good way to go. I think I'll pass, if you don't mind." I grabbed the paddle from his hand and threw it into the tunnel behind me.
Xander pulled his hand loose and ran back behind the Ping-Pong table as Harmony began to saunter towards me. Looked like it was her turn.
"Spike. Spike. Spike."
"Harmony. Harmony. Harmony."
"What?" She asked, stopping her forward progress.
"What what?"
"You said my name. So I'm saying what - did you want something?"
I sighed. This was going to be fun. "Actually, I was hoping to get through the gate. Need to see a man about a chip. Care to let me pass?" I approached her, smiling seductively. "You know, for old times sake."
"Sure, you can pass. But it's going to cost you. I'm not cheap. At least not anymore."
"C'mon, sugar plum. You can let me pass, can't you? A favor for an old friend?" I traced a finger down her arm and watched her melt.
"Well, maybe just this once --- No!" She pulled back. "No, Spike. I'm not going to let you sweet-talk me again. I have a job to do and I'm going to do it."
"A job?" I asked.
"Sure. Girl's got to make an unliving, doesn't she? I thought about maybe opening my own detective agency, you know, helping the helpless and stuff," she paused. "But that didn't work out so well. So when they offered me this job I said sure, why not? Money's good." She smiled. "They give out bonuses and stuff. My review is coming up." She bounced up and down a few times. "I'm hoping they'll give me a raise. Or else let me eat Xander. Either one is fine."
"Hey!" Monkey boy was still hiding behind the Ping-Pong table.
"Shut up!" Harm and I both said at the same time. We shared a smile. I forget, why did I ever get rid of her?
"So pay up, Spikey." She brightened. "Do you have something pretty for me? Or . . . or a unicorn. Did you bring any unicorns?" She looked past me into the tunnel.
Oh yeah, that's right. She's an irritating bint. That's why I got rid of her.
"Nope. Sorry. Left the unicorns in my other coat." I pointed to the gate. "Any other ideas about how to get through?"
"Hmmm." Harmony folded her arms and tapped a finger to her chin, thinking. Evidently it didn't work because she dropped her arms. "Let me consult with my associate. Give us a moment please."
She walked over to Xander and the two began talking in low voices. Within a minute they were arguing in low voices. A minute after that they were just plain arguing. Finally they reached some sort of agreement and walked around the table until they were in front of me.
"We've discussed your little problem, Spike," Xander said. "And we've agreed to let you pass. But it's going to cost you."
"I figured as much. What's the price? And mind you, I'm fresh out of poetry."
"Well, you see, Spike, we have some issues with you." Harmony pointed to herself and Xander. "And before we let you pass we thought this might be a good time to work them out."
"Harm . . . have you been reading those self-help books again?" I asked.
"Yes. Yes, I have. And I've learned a lot. You were really mean to me Spike. I loved you and you didn't even care." She had obviously been saving up. "I gave you everything I had and you gave me nothing in return. But I've been doing some reading and I've realized I deserve better. I may not be perfect but I deserve to be treated with respect." She put her hands on her hips. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to love someone with all your heart? To give that person everything you have? To know that no matter how strong your feelings the other person doesn't feel the same way? Do you know how that feels, Spike? Do you?"
I looked at Harmony and a strange feeling came over me. I had always thought of her as more of a toy, something I could take out when I was looking for a distraction and then ignore the rest of the time. I suddenly realized that I could identify with what she had been through. And I knew how much it hurt to be treated that way.
I looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry Harmony. You deserved better than I gave you. I didn't love you and you deserve to be loved." I finally got it.
She stared at me in silence. I had actually shocked Harmony speechless. She blinked to clear the tears I could see pooling in her eyes. She gave me a short nod. "Thanks Spike." She turned and walked over to the gate.
I tore my eyes away from Harmony to see Xander staring at me and all the resentment came rushing back. Here he was, the little self-righteous, I'm- better-than-you whelp, in all his glory. I glared at him and he glared right back at me.
"You may be able to charm Harmony but it won't work with me." He said. "She doesn't know any better. But I know exactly what you are and I won't ever forget."
"No, you won't. And you won't let me forget either, will you?" I started to pace. I knew I needed his help but months of frustration suddenly came bubbling up. "I've been your ally. I've fought side by side with you and saved your life, more than once. And yet you look at me and you don't see any of that, do you? You see an evil, soulless thing. Something that can't change. Something that deserves to be killed." I stopped and pointed at him. "What makes you think you know me? You don't know anything about me and you never have!"
"I know all I need to know," he said. "You're a vampire, Spike. We kill vampires. You . . . they are evil things and they need to be killed!" He talked to me like he would a difficult child.
"Then why don't you kill Angel? He's a vampire. Why don't you go to L.A. and kill the Special One? Hell, I'll give you a ride!"
"I've thought about it. Don't think I haven't. But Angel's different. He's a demon but he has a soul."
"And that's all it takes for you? Give a bloke a soul and everything is keen again? You think that makes him a saint? Is that it?"
"No. But it's a start. And it's more than you have."
I gripped the back of my neck, trying to figure out how to convince him. "But what if I want to do good? Does that count? I've tried you know." I started to pace again. "I've fought the 'good fight' for months now. Tried to be what she needed. Thought about doing the right thing. But you've never cared. So I don't have a soul, just this bloody chip in my head. Does that mean my efforts to do good should just be ignored?"
"You can't choose to do good, Spike! You don't have a soul; you don't have the strength to make such a choice."
"Yes I do!"
"No!" He yelled. "No, you don't. You're a vampire. You can't be good, no matter how much you might think you can. Vampires can't be good. They have no chance. If they did then - " He cut himself off.
"If they did - what? What? Would your world come to a crashing end? What would happen if they did have such a chance?"
"They don't!"
"They do!" We were both yelling now. "What would happen if they had a chance?"
"Nothing! It can't happen!" He started to turn away and I grabbed him.
"Don't walk away from me." I was on to something. "You started this. Not me. Answer the question. What would happen?" I started to shake him. "Answer me! If I could be good? If I had a chance? What would it mean?"
"It would mean that I murdered Jesse!" He tore himself away from me.
Jesse? Who the hell was Jesse?
"Who?' I asked.
Xander retreated to the end of the table, ignoring me.
"Jesse was his best friend," Harmony said. I had forgotten she was there. "Shortly after Buffy came to town, Jesse was kidnapped by the Master's minions. They vamped him. There was a big fight at the Bronze. Xander had a stake and Jesse was pushed onto it. He went poof."
"I killed him. He was my best friend. But those monsters came and they took him and killed him. And then I had to kill him again."
I watched as Xander struggled with his story.
"He wasn't my friend anymore. He was a monster in my friend's body. He was doomed. Do you understand?" He looked up. "Doomed." He walked back to me. "I didn't mean to kill him but the fact that I did was a favor. The Jesse I knew wouldn't have wanted to be what he had become. I didn't kill my friend. I killed a monster. A monster that could never be my friend again."
I stared at him in silence, finally understanding. Xander had to believe that vampires were evil, soulless creatures with no hope of changing. He had to believe that we had no free will, that we were doomed to be evil forever. Because if Jesse had a chance to change and Xander took that chance away from him, then he really did kill him. And the whelp couldn't handle that.
I took a deep breath. Suddenly Xander's resentment of me and his deliberate ignorance of my actions made sense. And once I understood what motivated him I couldn't resent his behavior quite so much. It still made me angry. And I wished he would get over it. But I also realized that he wasn't ready to have his world-view shattered. And we weren't going to be able to fix this.
Of course, I still had to figure out how to get him to open the gate.
I looked at Harmony, hoping that she might be able to help. She just shrugged at me. The she smiled.
"Xander!" She broke the silence that had fallen after his revelation.
He sighed in resignation. "What?"
"Wanna play Ping-Pong?"
"Sure, why not?" He walked over to his side of the table. "Hey, wait a minute. I don't have a paddle." He looked at me. "Give me back my paddle, dead boy."
"Make me." I smirked and curled my tongue around my teeth. "Bug-eater." I may have understood his bullheadedness but that didn't mean I had to like him. He was still a right wanker.
He walked towards me and started to go into the tunnel to retrieve his paddle. I blocked his way. He tried to go the other way and once again I blocked him.
We danced for a couple of minutes, Xander getting more frustrated and me having more fun.
"Dammit, I want my paddle! Get out of my way!"
"Tell you what mate, you open that gate over there," I pointed. "I'll get out of here, be on my way, and you'll be able to get your paddle."
He glared at me. "You promise you'll go?"
"Cross my heart." I gave him my most solemn look. Like I wanted to stick around here.
"Fine." He walked towards the gate. He and Harmony took out their keys and opened it.
Xander slammed the gate shut as soon as I passed. "Good riddance evil dead." He left to go get his paddle.
Harmony laid a hand on the gate. "Good luck."
"Thanks, luv. Bye." I began to walk away, wincing when I heard her reply.
"Bye Boo-boo."
*****
As I continued down the tunnel my thoughts turned to the confrontation with Harmony and Xander. I had gotten through the gate, but at what cost? I was left with all these fluffy-type feelings and I didn't like it. I hoped I was almost done. I was getting tired of all the introspection. Really wasn't my cuppa -- I was in the mood for some action.
"Action is his reward."
I looked up at the sound of the voice and saw another gate in front of me. This one had appeared out of nowhere, no rounding of corners needed. There was a school desk sitting in front of it and, sitting at the desk, a young girl. She had straight blonde hair and looked to be about ten years old.
"Action is whose reward?" I asked.
"Why the hero's, of course." She looked at me. "Are you a hero?"
"I'm a vampire -- nothing heroic in that, luv."
"Heroism is not about being but about doing. So I ask again, are you a hero?"
"I can't be a hero. Heroes are all about good and self-sacrifice. I'm about neither. I'm the Big Bad. A dark warrior, remember? Grr! Argh!" I slipped into game face, raised my hands, and took a step forward.
She stared at me for a minute and then started giggling. "Do it again!" She clapped her hands. "Do it again!"
I put my hands down and let my game face go. "How am I supposed to be scary if you're giggling at me?" I heard myself whine.
She tried to stop laughing. "I'm sorry. I can't help it. It's just you're so funny. Trying to be all bad and everything when you're not."
"I am *so* bad!" I cried, insulted.
"Oh, you are so not bad." She smiled at me. "My new kitty is more bad than you are. Of course, she still has her claws so that helps."
"I am bad. I may be temporarily declawed but as soon as I get this chip out things are gonna change. Certain people are going to be reminded of how bad I can be."
"But wouldn't you like to try something new?" She shrugged and continued on without waiting for my reply. "Oh well. I guess that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. Good luck."
"Gee thanks." I said, my sarcasm obvious. "In the meantime, any suggestions on how to get through the gate? How many are there, by the way?"
"This is the last one." That was good news. The trip to Africa had been rough and I had been walking for hours. I was exhausted and I was getting hungry. Hopefully I could get through, get my chip out, and grab a little someone to eat. "As for getting through," she continued, "well . . . only a certain type of person can pass."
"Wait -- I know this one. Only heroes can pass, right?"
She clapped her hands again. "That's right. Good job. So are you a hero?"
I sighed. Looked like the meal was going to have to wait. We'd already gone through this but I obviously wasn't going to get anywhere until she got the answer she was looking for. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to lie to her.
"No. Sorry, bit. I'm not a hero. Not even close. But lately I'm not a very good Big Bad either, if that counts. I'm an evil soulless thing who can't figure out which way to go. Neither monster nor man." I laughed bitterly. "Joke's on me, eh?"
"But I don't understand. Are you sure you're not a hero?"
"Yeah. I'm sure." I knew what hero was and I wasn't it.
"Well, how did you get this far then?" She stared at me, suddenly stricken. "You didn't cheat, did you?"
"Of course not! I never cheat! Well . . . maybe at cards. But not this," I said. "I didn't cheat. I passed through all the gates fair and square."
"Well if you didn't cheat . . . ?" She looked at me and I shook my head no.
"And you made it through all the other gates . . . ?" I nodded at her.
She tilted to her head. "I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"
"Spi - " I looked at her. "William. My name is William."
She smiled at me. "OK." She opened her desk and picked up a key, which she took over to the gate. It swung open at her touch.
"There you go. Best be on your way, William. They're waiting for you. I hope you figure it out."
"Thanks." I walked through the gate. "Wait a minute." I started to turn back around. "Who's waiting - " The gate slammed shut in my face and was immediately replaced by a wall of rock. The tunnel had shifted again and the gate and little girl were gone. "-for me?"
I turned back around and began to walk. I rounded a corner and saw a light. Looked like I was reaching the end of the tunnel. I sped up, eager to finally get this over with.
The tunnel opened into a huge cavern. I barely got a chance to look around when my view was blocked. I looked up and met the gaze of another demon. This one was at least seven feet tall and covered with scaly green skin. He had snake eyes and large pointed ears. His muscular arms hung down almost to his knees and ended in seven fingers all tipped with long, sharp nails.
"So, you the bloke in charge here, then? I made it. Time for you to pay up. Get rid of my little problem." He just stared at me. "Hey now. No welching." Got a date with a bitch, I do. "I made it through all your tests, didn't I? I'm all done."
"Done?" The demon said in a deep, gravelly voice. "I beg to differ, little man. You've only just begun."
"Who you calling little? And what do you mean, I've only just - " My words were suddenly cut off. I sensed his movement but he was too quick for my eyes to follow and next thing I knew I felt pain.
I looked down at my chest, saw a big hole and then looked at his hand. It was holding a heart.
"Hey! That's my heart!" I yelled. "Give it back! It's mine!"
I saw the demon hold up my heart and open his mouth in a wide smile, teeth gleaming. And then everything went black.
TBC