1 Day 2
"Would you damn your precious soul?" - Francois Rabelais
*****
"C'mon Sleeping Beauty. Wakie, wakie." The voice penetrated my consciousness, sounding like it started far off and was closing in fast. "Spike. Oh, Spike. Time to wake up. Don't be a layabout." I continued to ignore the voice but it was getting harder. "That's it." The voice became stern. "Time to get up, boy. *Now*." The order was followed by a swift kick to my stomach.
Only one person had ever awakened me that way. I jerked up and opened my eyes to find myself face to face with Angelus.
"Oh, balls!"
"Good evening to you too." He looked down at me. "I thought you were going to sleep the night away and what fun would that be?"
I struggled to my feet. I felt really sluggish and weak and was having trouble standing but I managed to stay upright. Okay, so I swayed a bit. "What's wrong with me?"
Angelus slapped me on the shoulder, all good-natured bonhomie, and almost knocked me back down. "The better question might be -- what isn't wrong with you? You have managed to muck things up but good, haven't you?"
Memories came rushing back and I remembered my last encounter with the demon in the cavern. I looked down and saw where my T-shirt had been ripped open. The hole in my chest was still there . . . and I was still minus a heart.
"Ok -- where's my heart?"
"Oh, you don't want that." Angelus waved the question away. "Just think about all the trouble it's given you lately. Mooning around. Working with others. Falling in love." He paused. "Making you feel. Trust me, you're much better off without it. Of course, without it you'll end up as weak as a kitten and eventually die -- but at least your problems will be over."
I looked around in the hopes of finding a spare body part or two. The cavern was huge and decked out like a banquet hall. The walls were draped in red and gold bunting and I spotted two archways, one behind me and the other across the room. Both entrances were guarded by snake demons. On my side of the room several long tables were set up, around which several demons sat and ate. It was a raucous crowd, all drinking and laughing. I could hear bits and pieces of conversation.
". . . so he says 'Better to reign in Hell then serve in Heaven' and I'm all "Well, duh!'. . ."
". . . he's in the corner, crying for his fiddle, and I'm just laughing my heads off!"
"She tells me that she'll see me in hell and all I can say is 'You betcha, baby . . ."
Translucent servants flitted about between the tables, dispensing a seemingly endless supply of food and drink. The servants weren't demons; they appeared to be ghosts, their trays and cups floating before them as they moved.
In front of the tables was a large seating area covered with rugs and lush pillows. All sorts of creatures lounged about. Set in the center of the room, between the tables and the pillows, was a platform on which a hangman's gibbet stood. Only instead of ropes hanging down, there were chains.
Finally, near the other entrance, was a stage with three gold thrones. At the edge of the stage sat a small gold pedestal; there was something on top of it but from this distance it was hard to tell what.
All together it looked like a cross between some Roman orgy and one of those fervid paintings done by tortured religious types several hundred years ago. Not too reassuring.
Angelus had remained quiet while I took in my surroundings. I turned to see him watching me, a cruel smile on his face.
"So, mate, what's the story, then?" I asked, wary. "Gonna throw me to the lions?"
"Not as yet, no." He looked at me, considering. "But the night is still young."
I took a good look at him. "So when did you become all soul-losing again?" I gestured to the pillows. "Enjoy the bacchanal a bit too much?" I asked with false sympathy.
He looked at them. "Sadly, no." He looked back at me. "I managed to break that leash all on my own." He paused. "Just out of curiosity, how did you know about the soul? Is it really that obvious?"
"Yeah." I looked at his clothes. He was wearing a black silk shirt with black leather pants. "Besides, you're wearing The Leather Pants of Evil." I deadpanned. "Always a bad sign. You should try to be a little less predictable, Angelus, old man."
"Very funny, boy." He slapped me on the back again. Hard enough to knock me to the ground.
I dragged myself back up. What was wrong with me? This being weak was getting old. Time to get on to business and get out of here.
"So, what's the plan here?" I asked. "I made it this far – time to get the soddin' chip out. You here to take me the man who can do it?"
"Is that what you think you're here for? To get the chip out?" He started laughing.
"Of course, that's why I'm here. We had a deal. I get through his little trials and he takes out the chip." I paused, thinking. "Have to say, wasn't as bad as I thought. Turns out the bloke's a bit of a braggart. But I made it." I poked him in the chest. "Time for your side to pay up!"
"Spike, Spike, Spike," Angelus sighed. "You just don't get it, do you?"
"What are you saying? You welching? We had a deal!"
"And so far you have failed to hold up your part of the bargain. All that other stuff was just the warm-up act." He waved his arm towards all the demons. "Why do you think they're all here? For the food? They're here for the show. And it's up to you to provide the entertainment." He thumped me in the chest, pain radiating out from my wound. "Hope you're worth the trouble."
"What are you planning on doing?" I looked around at all the partying demons. Something was definitely off. "What the bloody hell is going on here?"
"Wonderful, wonderful things are going on. The dead are rioting, taking different sides."
I turned around to see Drusilla approaching and rolled my eyes. "Oh well, isn't that just peachy. You too, Dru? With Angelus, no less. Sometimes I wonder why I ever tried." I shook off the old taste of bitterness at seeing them together -- it wouldn't help me now. "Are you going to help? Care to give me a clue? You know, for an old friend."
"You were going to kill me." She wagged her finger at me. "Fickle, fickle boy."
"Oh right, I'm the fickle one, am I?" I said, sarcastically. "And you, pet, are the very model of constancy."
"I am. The stars tell me what to do."
"We're in a cave, Dru. You can't see the stars."
"I can. I can feel the whispering to my heart, if I really try. And they always lead me home." She looked at me. "They would lead you home, too, Spike. If only you would let them."
I watched her walk over to Angelus and lay her head on his shoulder. I guess he was her home now. I had to admire her certainty; at least she knew where she belonged. And, my initial shock at seeing them aside, it didn't hurt nearly as much as it used too. The question now was -- where was my home? And what would lead me there?
A subtle motion caught my eye. Turning my head, I saw one of the ghostly servants drifting closer. There was something familiar . . . I couldn't quite place it. Suddenly Angelus grabbed my arm, disrupting my thoughts.
"Spike. Pay attention. Big things are happening. I'd hate to think you missed all the excitement because you were daydreaming."
Drusilla had spun away and was swaying behind him to a tune only she could hear. Resigned, I looked at Angelus. "Right. Let's have a lesson then."
Angelus crossed his arms and rocked back on his heels, looking at me. "Ok, here's the deal. Everything is all messed up -- thanks to you. Your recent behavior – " He shook his head sadly. " -- pitiful really. I'd feel sorry for you if pity weren't so treasonous." He reached out and punched me in the shoulder. "If you'd done what you were supposed to do we wouldn't be in the situation now but you . . . you just had to be different, didn't you? And now the rest of us have to deal with the results of your screw-ups."
"How'd I screw up? I got here, didn't I?"
"Oh, you screwed up a long time ago. You're a vampire, Spike! When did you let yourself forget that?" He asked, scornfully. "When did you think it was a good idea to stop being a demon?"
"I never forgot!"
"You did! You forgot what you were and you changed. Talk about being a bad demon – what were you thinking?"
"It wasn't me!" It couldn't be me. "It was that damn chip! They fixed me but good. They made me like this. Made me feel. Made me love." I said, bitterly. "But I want it to be over. To make it all stop. I want it out!" I yelled. "Why the hell do you think I'm here? I want to be a good demon again."
Drusilla looked at me. "And you think you can be? If you get that little piece of plastic out? All's well that ends well?"
"Yes! Yes, it's the chip that makes me this way. It's caused me nothing but trouble. Get it out and everything can go back to the way it was! Do it!"
Angelus and Dru exchanged a look and then turned back to me. Dru approached, laughing softly. She cupped my cheek with her hand and then, before I could react, dug her nails into my skin and dragged them down my face, drawing blood. I started to move to defend myself but Angelus was on me, aiming a brutal punch right where my heart used to be. I was weak and hurt and no match from the two of them. The last thing I saw before I passed out was the madness shining in Drusilla's eyes.
*****
I woke to *pain*. I opened my swollen eyes to see Drusilla standing in front of me, tracing designs into my chest with her nails. Blood ran down my body in lazy rivulets and I realized I was not exactly standing. I lifted my head and looked around. "Well, isn't this just ducky."
I was up on the platform I had seen earlier, suspended from the gibbet by chains wrapped tightly around my wrists. Judging by the pain and stiffness of my arms, I must have been that way for a while. I was a bit closer to the stage now and was able to see what was sitting on the pedestal -- a heart. Presumably mine. I was relieved to see Toothy hadn't eaten it but was worried about my increasing weakness and the long-term effects of being without it. How were they keeping my alive without it and for how long?
I looked down at Drusilla, who had just started carving a new masterpiece into my chest.
"Dru." She stopped what she was doing. "Drusilla." She looked up at me, licking her fingers. "Pet, want to help me out here?"
She cocked her head, thinking. "No. I don't think so."
"Please, pet. Maybe loosen the chains a bit?"
She stood on her toes and lifted one finger to tap against my forehead. "Tap, tap, tap. Wherever did my shining knight go?'
"I'm right here, Dru. Help me down, will you, luv? Or at least bring me back my heart."
"Why? You don't need it. It's caused you nothing but trouble. Made all sorts of awful things happen, isn't that right?" She laid a hand against my cheek. "Dear boy, you are so much better without it. Isn't that what you've said?"
"No -- I need it. I can't li – " I broke off as coughs wracked my body. If I had needed to breath I would have said I was short of breathe. But that wasn't it. Something else was wrong.
"Poor Spike. Would you like something to eat? Something to make you feel a bit better?"
She walked to one of the tables, snatched up something, and came back, hiding her hands – and the object -- behind her. When she reached me she pulled out a plump red fruit. With one hard twist she tore it open and held it up to my face.
"Would you like something to eat, dearie?" She offered. "A nice bite of pomegranate perhaps?
I pulled my head back away from the fruit. "No thanks, Dru. I'm familiar with the story. Don't fancy spending half my time down here with the likes of Angelus. I'll pass."
"You sure you won't taste?" She shoved it into my face, pushing my head back.
"I'm sure."
"Okay." She shrugged and tossed the mangled fruit over her shoulder. She walked away and joined Angelus, who was reclining against one of the pillows.
I watched as she wrapped herself around him and he played with her hair. "Well, don't you two make a lovely couple."
"I always have better luck with the women you love, Spike." Angelus said. "You should know that by now." They began kissing in earnest and I turned away. Wasn't interested in playing Peeping Tom.
One of the ghostly servants began to drift towards me – the same one I had noticed earlier. Something about it tugged at my memory but it was surrounded by a fuzzy aura of sorts so I couldn't get a real good look. As it got closer I could see it was a young woman.
I looked around. Angelus and Dru were busy and no one else was paying any attention to me. "Pssst! Hey there," I whispered, hoping to get her attention. "Can you help me?"
She stopped in front of me, head down. "No. But I can help you help yourself." She lifted her head and looked me in the eye. Now that she was in front of me I could see her clearly. I felt a stab of sadness as I recognized her
"Tara."
She smiled. "Hello, Spike."
"Pet, what are you doing here?" I asked, shocked at seeing her. "You don't belong in a place like this."
"None of us do." She gestured to the other servants. "But here we are. We got lost."
"But why are you a ghost? You're not dead, you're – " I broke off as I noticed the hole in her chest and the realization struck me. Shot. Through the heart. Damn.
"Aw, kitten. I'm so sorry."
"Yeah, me too. But there's not much I can do about it now."
"You don't belong here." Tara, of all people, shouldn't be here. "You should be somewhere better. Somewhere good."
"We all should. I've tried to escape but I can't do it. There's no way out."
"Sure there is. You just haven't figured it out yet. Have you talked to any of the others?" She shook her head. "Leave it to me." I said, confidently. "I'll get you out of here." I looked at the other servants moving around the room; they were all trapped here. "I'll get you all out." What was I saying?
"Uh, Spike . . .?" She looked at the way I hung from the chains. "I don't think you're in the position to get *anyone* out of here. Besides, why would you? You're here to get your chip out, remember? You don't want to care about humans anymore."
"Well, yeah. But not you. I can still help you . . . and, you know, maybe a few others . . . and be bad." Something about that sounded off but I refused to dwell on it. "Just give me a moment. I need to get my heart back and my chip out. Then I'll think of something to help. I promi – "
"Hey!" Angelus' voice interrupted us. "Get away from him."
Tara drifted away as Angelus stormed over. "No fraternizing with the help, William! Not that it will do you any good anyway." He grabbed me by the back of the head and forced me to look at him.
"Did you think anyone here was going to help you? Did you think anyone cares?" He lowered his voice. "You're nothing, William. *Nothing*. Nobody cares about you." He gave me a cruel smile. "You're a traitor to your own kind. The people who you thought might be your friends can't stand the sight of you. And the woman you love hates you!" He smirked. "You're so interested in talking -- what do you have to say to that?"
"Sod off."
He released my hair and took a step back. "You're less than nothing. You might as well not even have existed. And when you're gone, no one will even notice. And don't you ever forget it." He backhanded me casually, re- opening the scratches Drusilla had given me earlier.
He looked me up and down. "You're a lousy monster. And you were never any good as a man." He started to walk around me, swatting me absentmindedly whenever he got too close, like a cat playing with a mouse. "You think if you get the chip out things will be all better? Think you can go back to what you were before? Have you forgotten how pathetic you were? Mooning around over Drusilla. Caught up in petty little schemes." He taunted me. *You're* the problem, William. You always failed. Always."
I stared at him defiantly. "I beat you, didn't I?"
"You mean Acathla?" He pushed me so that I was swinging from the chains. He was playing with me now. I recognized the signs; I'd seen him in action plenty of times. "Knocked out your girlfriend and left me to be beat up by a girl, hoping she'd win. Kinda sad, don't ya think?" He said, mockingly. "That little girl did what you never could." He shook his head. "And afterwards . . . well things worked out so well for you, didn't they? All the trouble you went to and Dru still dumped you. Not monster enough for her."
He grabbed me by the chin, stopping the swinging motion. "Face it, Sit-n- Spin, you're a failure. You were lousy as a monster. Chip or no chip. You were never what you should have been. Is that what you want to go back too? You think you were some sort of prize?" He let go of my chin and took a step back.
"You don't know what you're talking about." I growled at him.
"Oh, I think I do." He smiled. "How could you possibly hope to ever be more? You don't even have a soul."
"Don't need a bloody soul. I can do good without it." What was I talking about? I didn't come here so I could do good. I came so I could be bad again.
"You can't do good, Spike. You don't have it in you. There is nothing good or clean in you." I couldn't help wincing at that. He always knew were to aim his barbs for the most damage. "Without a soul none of what you feel or do it real. None of it is real."
"It is so real!" I yelled. "I know what feelings are, damn you. And I know what I feel. Even without a soul, I know." His words were starting to get to me. "Besides, from what I hear, your precious soul hasn't exactly turned you into a paragon. You may be pretty bad without it but, word has it, you can still be pretty monstrous with it."
"You know nothing! She could never love you. Certainly never trust you. You've proved that yourself." He looked at me contemptuously. "Did you think you could be a man for her? That she would forget what you really were? Did you think you could replace *me*? Did you think she would *love* you?" He laughed. "If so, then you really are pathetic."
"No."
He paused. "No what?"
"No." I swallowed. "I didn't think she would love me. But I had to try."
"You had to try? What – you missed the comforting feeling of failure?" He drew back and hit me in the stomach and I grunted in pain. "Admit it, William." He slammed a fist into my face, breaking my nose and causing my vision to blur. "You are a failure." His punches sent me swinging and I tried to grab on to the chains to steady myself as I felt the skin on my wrists tear. "You always were." He kicked me in the ribs and I cried out as I felt several break. "And you always will be." He pushed his fist into the hole in my chest. "Even that pathetic poet was better than you are now." He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. "Now . . . now you can't even measure up to him." He hauled back and hit me one more time, breaking the chains and throwing me into the back of the gibbet. I felt my head smack against the wood and welcomed the darkness.
*****
I don't know how long I was out but when I came to the gibbet had been repaired and was now on the stage. A large brazier had been placed in front of the thrones. I was much closer to my heart, for all the good it did me.
Candles and torches lit the cavern but the stage was dark. Evidently they were saving me for the big production. The demons were still there but the festivities seemed to be experiencing something of a lull. Nobody paid me any attention and I hung there in the dark. Memories flitted through my mind.
Niblet's voice, hurt. *How could you do that?*
Buffy, disgusted. *Ask me again why I could never love you.*
A vision flashed before my eyes. Buffy, beneath me, face twisted in fear and pain. Her voice as I grabbed her robe *No. Spike. Please, no!*
The man in me cried how could I do such a thing while the monster raged at being denied. Why did I do it . . . Why did I stop? Guilt and rage battled within in; it wasn't supposed to be this way. There was a time when I was the baddest thing going. Life was so much easier then. Everything was so clear. Where did my certainty go?
*Please! I'm hurt. Stop!*
Did she do this to me? Or did it start earlier? Had I always been destined to fail? I thought I could be a man for her. If I just tried hard enough. I could do it. I couldn't be a monster anymore, but I could be a man. For her. Despair washed over me. What had made me think that was possible when I had been such a failure at it the first time around?
*They call him William the Bloody on account of his bloody awful poetry.*
Once I was turned I was always compared to Angelus and found lacking. Then I did something he hadn't. I killed a Slayer. And found my calling. I was determined to be the biggest monster out there. To prove myself. I was the vampire that killed Slayers while all the others ran and hid.
*Baby likes to play.*
Nobody could touch me. Wherever I went I ruled, with my dark princess at my side. I *was* The Big Bad.
*I will make your neck my chalice and drink deep.*
But then we came to Sunnydale and it all went to hell. Nothing's been right since. The Slayer, Dru, Angelus, the chip. Buffy. Rejected again and turned into everyone's punching bag. I couldn't be the monster I used to be.
*You're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even he kind of naughty. You're nothing.*
I thought it was the bloody chip but I was beginning to think it started long before the soldier boys came on the scene. Where did I go wrong?
*You're beneath me.*
Their voices haunted me. This was it. My last ditch effort to be a man, to be loved, had proved I was worthy of neither. I was a monster. Not the kind of monster shown in movies. Not the Big Bad. Just plain monstrous. I was a failure on all counts. Should have let Xander kill me and saved us all the trouble. I hadn't been good enough and this was the price I had to pay. I gave in to hopelessness and hung from my chains, completely alone.
TBC
"Would you damn your precious soul?" - Francois Rabelais
*****
"C'mon Sleeping Beauty. Wakie, wakie." The voice penetrated my consciousness, sounding like it started far off and was closing in fast. "Spike. Oh, Spike. Time to wake up. Don't be a layabout." I continued to ignore the voice but it was getting harder. "That's it." The voice became stern. "Time to get up, boy. *Now*." The order was followed by a swift kick to my stomach.
Only one person had ever awakened me that way. I jerked up and opened my eyes to find myself face to face with Angelus.
"Oh, balls!"
"Good evening to you too." He looked down at me. "I thought you were going to sleep the night away and what fun would that be?"
I struggled to my feet. I felt really sluggish and weak and was having trouble standing but I managed to stay upright. Okay, so I swayed a bit. "What's wrong with me?"
Angelus slapped me on the shoulder, all good-natured bonhomie, and almost knocked me back down. "The better question might be -- what isn't wrong with you? You have managed to muck things up but good, haven't you?"
Memories came rushing back and I remembered my last encounter with the demon in the cavern. I looked down and saw where my T-shirt had been ripped open. The hole in my chest was still there . . . and I was still minus a heart.
"Ok -- where's my heart?"
"Oh, you don't want that." Angelus waved the question away. "Just think about all the trouble it's given you lately. Mooning around. Working with others. Falling in love." He paused. "Making you feel. Trust me, you're much better off without it. Of course, without it you'll end up as weak as a kitten and eventually die -- but at least your problems will be over."
I looked around in the hopes of finding a spare body part or two. The cavern was huge and decked out like a banquet hall. The walls were draped in red and gold bunting and I spotted two archways, one behind me and the other across the room. Both entrances were guarded by snake demons. On my side of the room several long tables were set up, around which several demons sat and ate. It was a raucous crowd, all drinking and laughing. I could hear bits and pieces of conversation.
". . . so he says 'Better to reign in Hell then serve in Heaven' and I'm all "Well, duh!'. . ."
". . . he's in the corner, crying for his fiddle, and I'm just laughing my heads off!"
"She tells me that she'll see me in hell and all I can say is 'You betcha, baby . . ."
Translucent servants flitted about between the tables, dispensing a seemingly endless supply of food and drink. The servants weren't demons; they appeared to be ghosts, their trays and cups floating before them as they moved.
In front of the tables was a large seating area covered with rugs and lush pillows. All sorts of creatures lounged about. Set in the center of the room, between the tables and the pillows, was a platform on which a hangman's gibbet stood. Only instead of ropes hanging down, there were chains.
Finally, near the other entrance, was a stage with three gold thrones. At the edge of the stage sat a small gold pedestal; there was something on top of it but from this distance it was hard to tell what.
All together it looked like a cross between some Roman orgy and one of those fervid paintings done by tortured religious types several hundred years ago. Not too reassuring.
Angelus had remained quiet while I took in my surroundings. I turned to see him watching me, a cruel smile on his face.
"So, mate, what's the story, then?" I asked, wary. "Gonna throw me to the lions?"
"Not as yet, no." He looked at me, considering. "But the night is still young."
I took a good look at him. "So when did you become all soul-losing again?" I gestured to the pillows. "Enjoy the bacchanal a bit too much?" I asked with false sympathy.
He looked at them. "Sadly, no." He looked back at me. "I managed to break that leash all on my own." He paused. "Just out of curiosity, how did you know about the soul? Is it really that obvious?"
"Yeah." I looked at his clothes. He was wearing a black silk shirt with black leather pants. "Besides, you're wearing The Leather Pants of Evil." I deadpanned. "Always a bad sign. You should try to be a little less predictable, Angelus, old man."
"Very funny, boy." He slapped me on the back again. Hard enough to knock me to the ground.
I dragged myself back up. What was wrong with me? This being weak was getting old. Time to get on to business and get out of here.
"So, what's the plan here?" I asked. "I made it this far – time to get the soddin' chip out. You here to take me the man who can do it?"
"Is that what you think you're here for? To get the chip out?" He started laughing.
"Of course, that's why I'm here. We had a deal. I get through his little trials and he takes out the chip." I paused, thinking. "Have to say, wasn't as bad as I thought. Turns out the bloke's a bit of a braggart. But I made it." I poked him in the chest. "Time for your side to pay up!"
"Spike, Spike, Spike," Angelus sighed. "You just don't get it, do you?"
"What are you saying? You welching? We had a deal!"
"And so far you have failed to hold up your part of the bargain. All that other stuff was just the warm-up act." He waved his arm towards all the demons. "Why do you think they're all here? For the food? They're here for the show. And it's up to you to provide the entertainment." He thumped me in the chest, pain radiating out from my wound. "Hope you're worth the trouble."
"What are you planning on doing?" I looked around at all the partying demons. Something was definitely off. "What the bloody hell is going on here?"
"Wonderful, wonderful things are going on. The dead are rioting, taking different sides."
I turned around to see Drusilla approaching and rolled my eyes. "Oh well, isn't that just peachy. You too, Dru? With Angelus, no less. Sometimes I wonder why I ever tried." I shook off the old taste of bitterness at seeing them together -- it wouldn't help me now. "Are you going to help? Care to give me a clue? You know, for an old friend."
"You were going to kill me." She wagged her finger at me. "Fickle, fickle boy."
"Oh right, I'm the fickle one, am I?" I said, sarcastically. "And you, pet, are the very model of constancy."
"I am. The stars tell me what to do."
"We're in a cave, Dru. You can't see the stars."
"I can. I can feel the whispering to my heart, if I really try. And they always lead me home." She looked at me. "They would lead you home, too, Spike. If only you would let them."
I watched her walk over to Angelus and lay her head on his shoulder. I guess he was her home now. I had to admire her certainty; at least she knew where she belonged. And, my initial shock at seeing them aside, it didn't hurt nearly as much as it used too. The question now was -- where was my home? And what would lead me there?
A subtle motion caught my eye. Turning my head, I saw one of the ghostly servants drifting closer. There was something familiar . . . I couldn't quite place it. Suddenly Angelus grabbed my arm, disrupting my thoughts.
"Spike. Pay attention. Big things are happening. I'd hate to think you missed all the excitement because you were daydreaming."
Drusilla had spun away and was swaying behind him to a tune only she could hear. Resigned, I looked at Angelus. "Right. Let's have a lesson then."
Angelus crossed his arms and rocked back on his heels, looking at me. "Ok, here's the deal. Everything is all messed up -- thanks to you. Your recent behavior – " He shook his head sadly. " -- pitiful really. I'd feel sorry for you if pity weren't so treasonous." He reached out and punched me in the shoulder. "If you'd done what you were supposed to do we wouldn't be in the situation now but you . . . you just had to be different, didn't you? And now the rest of us have to deal with the results of your screw-ups."
"How'd I screw up? I got here, didn't I?"
"Oh, you screwed up a long time ago. You're a vampire, Spike! When did you let yourself forget that?" He asked, scornfully. "When did you think it was a good idea to stop being a demon?"
"I never forgot!"
"You did! You forgot what you were and you changed. Talk about being a bad demon – what were you thinking?"
"It wasn't me!" It couldn't be me. "It was that damn chip! They fixed me but good. They made me like this. Made me feel. Made me love." I said, bitterly. "But I want it to be over. To make it all stop. I want it out!" I yelled. "Why the hell do you think I'm here? I want to be a good demon again."
Drusilla looked at me. "And you think you can be? If you get that little piece of plastic out? All's well that ends well?"
"Yes! Yes, it's the chip that makes me this way. It's caused me nothing but trouble. Get it out and everything can go back to the way it was! Do it!"
Angelus and Dru exchanged a look and then turned back to me. Dru approached, laughing softly. She cupped my cheek with her hand and then, before I could react, dug her nails into my skin and dragged them down my face, drawing blood. I started to move to defend myself but Angelus was on me, aiming a brutal punch right where my heart used to be. I was weak and hurt and no match from the two of them. The last thing I saw before I passed out was the madness shining in Drusilla's eyes.
*****
I woke to *pain*. I opened my swollen eyes to see Drusilla standing in front of me, tracing designs into my chest with her nails. Blood ran down my body in lazy rivulets and I realized I was not exactly standing. I lifted my head and looked around. "Well, isn't this just ducky."
I was up on the platform I had seen earlier, suspended from the gibbet by chains wrapped tightly around my wrists. Judging by the pain and stiffness of my arms, I must have been that way for a while. I was a bit closer to the stage now and was able to see what was sitting on the pedestal -- a heart. Presumably mine. I was relieved to see Toothy hadn't eaten it but was worried about my increasing weakness and the long-term effects of being without it. How were they keeping my alive without it and for how long?
I looked down at Drusilla, who had just started carving a new masterpiece into my chest.
"Dru." She stopped what she was doing. "Drusilla." She looked up at me, licking her fingers. "Pet, want to help me out here?"
She cocked her head, thinking. "No. I don't think so."
"Please, pet. Maybe loosen the chains a bit?"
She stood on her toes and lifted one finger to tap against my forehead. "Tap, tap, tap. Wherever did my shining knight go?'
"I'm right here, Dru. Help me down, will you, luv? Or at least bring me back my heart."
"Why? You don't need it. It's caused you nothing but trouble. Made all sorts of awful things happen, isn't that right?" She laid a hand against my cheek. "Dear boy, you are so much better without it. Isn't that what you've said?"
"No -- I need it. I can't li – " I broke off as coughs wracked my body. If I had needed to breath I would have said I was short of breathe. But that wasn't it. Something else was wrong.
"Poor Spike. Would you like something to eat? Something to make you feel a bit better?"
She walked to one of the tables, snatched up something, and came back, hiding her hands – and the object -- behind her. When she reached me she pulled out a plump red fruit. With one hard twist she tore it open and held it up to my face.
"Would you like something to eat, dearie?" She offered. "A nice bite of pomegranate perhaps?
I pulled my head back away from the fruit. "No thanks, Dru. I'm familiar with the story. Don't fancy spending half my time down here with the likes of Angelus. I'll pass."
"You sure you won't taste?" She shoved it into my face, pushing my head back.
"I'm sure."
"Okay." She shrugged and tossed the mangled fruit over her shoulder. She walked away and joined Angelus, who was reclining against one of the pillows.
I watched as she wrapped herself around him and he played with her hair. "Well, don't you two make a lovely couple."
"I always have better luck with the women you love, Spike." Angelus said. "You should know that by now." They began kissing in earnest and I turned away. Wasn't interested in playing Peeping Tom.
One of the ghostly servants began to drift towards me – the same one I had noticed earlier. Something about it tugged at my memory but it was surrounded by a fuzzy aura of sorts so I couldn't get a real good look. As it got closer I could see it was a young woman.
I looked around. Angelus and Dru were busy and no one else was paying any attention to me. "Pssst! Hey there," I whispered, hoping to get her attention. "Can you help me?"
She stopped in front of me, head down. "No. But I can help you help yourself." She lifted her head and looked me in the eye. Now that she was in front of me I could see her clearly. I felt a stab of sadness as I recognized her
"Tara."
She smiled. "Hello, Spike."
"Pet, what are you doing here?" I asked, shocked at seeing her. "You don't belong in a place like this."
"None of us do." She gestured to the other servants. "But here we are. We got lost."
"But why are you a ghost? You're not dead, you're – " I broke off as I noticed the hole in her chest and the realization struck me. Shot. Through the heart. Damn.
"Aw, kitten. I'm so sorry."
"Yeah, me too. But there's not much I can do about it now."
"You don't belong here." Tara, of all people, shouldn't be here. "You should be somewhere better. Somewhere good."
"We all should. I've tried to escape but I can't do it. There's no way out."
"Sure there is. You just haven't figured it out yet. Have you talked to any of the others?" She shook her head. "Leave it to me." I said, confidently. "I'll get you out of here." I looked at the other servants moving around the room; they were all trapped here. "I'll get you all out." What was I saying?
"Uh, Spike . . .?" She looked at the way I hung from the chains. "I don't think you're in the position to get *anyone* out of here. Besides, why would you? You're here to get your chip out, remember? You don't want to care about humans anymore."
"Well, yeah. But not you. I can still help you . . . and, you know, maybe a few others . . . and be bad." Something about that sounded off but I refused to dwell on it. "Just give me a moment. I need to get my heart back and my chip out. Then I'll think of something to help. I promi – "
"Hey!" Angelus' voice interrupted us. "Get away from him."
Tara drifted away as Angelus stormed over. "No fraternizing with the help, William! Not that it will do you any good anyway." He grabbed me by the back of the head and forced me to look at him.
"Did you think anyone here was going to help you? Did you think anyone cares?" He lowered his voice. "You're nothing, William. *Nothing*. Nobody cares about you." He gave me a cruel smile. "You're a traitor to your own kind. The people who you thought might be your friends can't stand the sight of you. And the woman you love hates you!" He smirked. "You're so interested in talking -- what do you have to say to that?"
"Sod off."
He released my hair and took a step back. "You're less than nothing. You might as well not even have existed. And when you're gone, no one will even notice. And don't you ever forget it." He backhanded me casually, re- opening the scratches Drusilla had given me earlier.
He looked me up and down. "You're a lousy monster. And you were never any good as a man." He started to walk around me, swatting me absentmindedly whenever he got too close, like a cat playing with a mouse. "You think if you get the chip out things will be all better? Think you can go back to what you were before? Have you forgotten how pathetic you were? Mooning around over Drusilla. Caught up in petty little schemes." He taunted me. *You're* the problem, William. You always failed. Always."
I stared at him defiantly. "I beat you, didn't I?"
"You mean Acathla?" He pushed me so that I was swinging from the chains. He was playing with me now. I recognized the signs; I'd seen him in action plenty of times. "Knocked out your girlfriend and left me to be beat up by a girl, hoping she'd win. Kinda sad, don't ya think?" He said, mockingly. "That little girl did what you never could." He shook his head. "And afterwards . . . well things worked out so well for you, didn't they? All the trouble you went to and Dru still dumped you. Not monster enough for her."
He grabbed me by the chin, stopping the swinging motion. "Face it, Sit-n- Spin, you're a failure. You were lousy as a monster. Chip or no chip. You were never what you should have been. Is that what you want to go back too? You think you were some sort of prize?" He let go of my chin and took a step back.
"You don't know what you're talking about." I growled at him.
"Oh, I think I do." He smiled. "How could you possibly hope to ever be more? You don't even have a soul."
"Don't need a bloody soul. I can do good without it." What was I talking about? I didn't come here so I could do good. I came so I could be bad again.
"You can't do good, Spike. You don't have it in you. There is nothing good or clean in you." I couldn't help wincing at that. He always knew were to aim his barbs for the most damage. "Without a soul none of what you feel or do it real. None of it is real."
"It is so real!" I yelled. "I know what feelings are, damn you. And I know what I feel. Even without a soul, I know." His words were starting to get to me. "Besides, from what I hear, your precious soul hasn't exactly turned you into a paragon. You may be pretty bad without it but, word has it, you can still be pretty monstrous with it."
"You know nothing! She could never love you. Certainly never trust you. You've proved that yourself." He looked at me contemptuously. "Did you think you could be a man for her? That she would forget what you really were? Did you think you could replace *me*? Did you think she would *love* you?" He laughed. "If so, then you really are pathetic."
"No."
He paused. "No what?"
"No." I swallowed. "I didn't think she would love me. But I had to try."
"You had to try? What – you missed the comforting feeling of failure?" He drew back and hit me in the stomach and I grunted in pain. "Admit it, William." He slammed a fist into my face, breaking my nose and causing my vision to blur. "You are a failure." His punches sent me swinging and I tried to grab on to the chains to steady myself as I felt the skin on my wrists tear. "You always were." He kicked me in the ribs and I cried out as I felt several break. "And you always will be." He pushed his fist into the hole in my chest. "Even that pathetic poet was better than you are now." He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. "Now . . . now you can't even measure up to him." He hauled back and hit me one more time, breaking the chains and throwing me into the back of the gibbet. I felt my head smack against the wood and welcomed the darkness.
*****
I don't know how long I was out but when I came to the gibbet had been repaired and was now on the stage. A large brazier had been placed in front of the thrones. I was much closer to my heart, for all the good it did me.
Candles and torches lit the cavern but the stage was dark. Evidently they were saving me for the big production. The demons were still there but the festivities seemed to be experiencing something of a lull. Nobody paid me any attention and I hung there in the dark. Memories flitted through my mind.
Niblet's voice, hurt. *How could you do that?*
Buffy, disgusted. *Ask me again why I could never love you.*
A vision flashed before my eyes. Buffy, beneath me, face twisted in fear and pain. Her voice as I grabbed her robe *No. Spike. Please, no!*
The man in me cried how could I do such a thing while the monster raged at being denied. Why did I do it . . . Why did I stop? Guilt and rage battled within in; it wasn't supposed to be this way. There was a time when I was the baddest thing going. Life was so much easier then. Everything was so clear. Where did my certainty go?
*Please! I'm hurt. Stop!*
Did she do this to me? Or did it start earlier? Had I always been destined to fail? I thought I could be a man for her. If I just tried hard enough. I could do it. I couldn't be a monster anymore, but I could be a man. For her. Despair washed over me. What had made me think that was possible when I had been such a failure at it the first time around?
*They call him William the Bloody on account of his bloody awful poetry.*
Once I was turned I was always compared to Angelus and found lacking. Then I did something he hadn't. I killed a Slayer. And found my calling. I was determined to be the biggest monster out there. To prove myself. I was the vampire that killed Slayers while all the others ran and hid.
*Baby likes to play.*
Nobody could touch me. Wherever I went I ruled, with my dark princess at my side. I *was* The Big Bad.
*I will make your neck my chalice and drink deep.*
But then we came to Sunnydale and it all went to hell. Nothing's been right since. The Slayer, Dru, Angelus, the chip. Buffy. Rejected again and turned into everyone's punching bag. I couldn't be the monster I used to be.
*You're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even he kind of naughty. You're nothing.*
I thought it was the bloody chip but I was beginning to think it started long before the soldier boys came on the scene. Where did I go wrong?
*You're beneath me.*
Their voices haunted me. This was it. My last ditch effort to be a man, to be loved, had proved I was worthy of neither. I was a monster. Not the kind of monster shown in movies. Not the Big Bad. Just plain monstrous. I was a failure on all counts. Should have let Xander kill me and saved us all the trouble. I hadn't been good enough and this was the price I had to pay. I gave in to hopelessness and hung from my chains, completely alone.
TBC