1 Day 3
There is some soul of goodness in things evil,
Would men observingly distil it out.
-- William Shakespeare
I don't know how long I hung there -- time had lost all meaning -- but gradually I noticed a change in the room. An army of ghostly servants materialized, clearing the tables and removing all the pillows and rugs from the floor. The mood of the room changed and the demons settled at the tables, talking quietly among themselves. I got the feeling that something was about to happen.
"Spike! Spike!" Someone was whispering my name. "Dear Goddess, of all the times to take a nap! Spike!"
Tara. It must be Tara, trying to get my attention.
"Pet?" I forced the words past my throat. Between my injuries and the tight feeling in my chest, I was having trouble talking.
"Yes. Spike, I'm over here."
I slowly turned my head and squinted at her. She was standing at the edge of the stage, surrounded by several other ghost types. "Whatcha doin' there?" I tried to work up some interest but it was hard.
"We're planning a party," she said in exasperation. "What does it look like were doing? We're here to help you."
"Why? There's no point to it," I mumbled. "Besides, thought you said you couldn't do anything."
"We talked about it among ourselves . . ." she gestured to the others. ". . . and decided we can and we can't."
"Not really in the mood for riddles, luv," I said, not really caring.
"Then just listen," she said. "Turns out there are couple of other witches here. We've been talking and we think we can do a spell that will make us solid. But we don't know how long it will last and we'll only be at normal strength. Not much good against demons. But we figure if we all work together we might still be able to do some damage. Overpower them or something and escape. But we need your help, Spike. We can't do it by ourselves. And we have to have a real person guide us out." She looked at me. "Besides, I'm not leaving you here. We need you, Spike."
"You need me?" I gave a bitter laugh. "Bad choice, that. Nobody needs me; I always bollix things up."
"No, you don't, Spike. You can do it. I know you can. You just have to believe it." She pleaded with me. "Please, Spike. We need you."
She needed me. I felt something inside me stir. I wanted to help her. But . . . "What about my chip? I came to get it out, remember?"
"Your chip?" She rolled her eyes. "Don't you get it? This isn't about your chip."
"It's not?'
"No. You wanted to get rid of the thing that made you the way you are, remember? Well, you got it. It's gone. And if you don't get it back before they throw it into the fire, it's going to kill you."
Throw it into the fire? What the bloody hell was she talking about? What did I care if they threw the chip into the fire? As long as they took it out of my head first, of course.
Not that the damn chip mattered anymore. "I'm sorry, pet." I said, sinking back into depression. "I wish I could help you. But I can't. I can't help anyone."
"Spike! Snap out of it already," she said, clearly losing patience. "We don't have time for you to feel sorry for yourself. We have to get out of here."
"Tara!" One of the other ghosts called her name. "Tara! Quick, they're coming. We have to go," she said urgently. "They can't find us here."
Tara looked over her shoulder. "I gotta go, Spike. Remember . . . we need you." And with that she ran away.
She said she needed me. She believed in me. When was the last time anyone had said that to me? Had anyone *ever* said that to me? And I was *not* feeling sorry for myself. I felt my despair begin to lift only to be replaced by a feeling of affronted pride.
The sound of trumpets jolted me out of my thoughts. Looked like it was finally time for the festivities to begin. A spotlight blinked on, focusing on the entrance on the opposite wall. As I watched, Angelus and Drusilla entered and walked across the cavern. They climbed up on the stage and took up positions on opposite ends of the three gold thrones.
The fanfare began again and I looked back at the arch in time to catch the big entrance of the night. Three old men entered. They wore floor-length robes of royal blue and they had long white beards and self-important expressions. The music continued as they walked across the hall and to the stage. As they climbed up the stairs and sat down on their thrones, the music ended and silence fell in the hall.
It had begun.
One of the snake demons approached the stage and unrolled a parchment. He cleared his throat and began speaking in a booming voice.
"Hear yea. Hear yea. We are gathered here tonight to address the matter of one William the Bloody, AKA Spike."
The spotlight flashed on me and suddenly I was bathed in light. I couldn't help squinting.
"The supplicant appealed to this assemblage. He asked that that which made him different be removed. We have gathered here tonight to judge his worthiness. He has made it through the gates . . ."
I tuned him out as he droned on; he wasn't saying anything new. The hopelessness I had been feeling earlier seemed to have dissipated. Feeling sorry for myself. Bollocks! I may not be a Big Bad anymore but I was still me. It was showtime and I wasn't going to go down without a fight. I needed to get loose and get my heart back. And I had to figure out a way to get Tara and the others out of here.
The time for introspection was over; now was the time for action. Something I was good at.
I looked over to where my heart lay on the pedestal. That was the first thing on my list. I had to get rid of this weakness. Without my heart, I could never win.
". . . asked that we remove that which made him different. We have done so. And, having complied with his . . ."
Huh? I caught the last bit of Snakey's words. He said they'd already taken it out. Did that mean the chip was gone? They must have done it while I was knocked out. You'd think I'd have felt something -- .
My gaze fell on the golden pedestal and suddenly it all became clear.
"Oh, balls!"
Snakey stopped what he was doing and looked at me. As did everyone else in the hall. "Oh . . . um . . . sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. Please -- continue."
He cleared his throat and picked up where he had left off ". . . And, having complied with his request, . . . "
The demon had removed that which made me different. Angelus and Dru had said it earlier. Tara had even said it. It's not the chip that makes me the way that I am. I make me the way that I am. The chip didn't make me fall in love and it didn't make me feel. My heart made me what I was. It was responsible for changing me and I needed it to survive.
I had a choice. I could fight to get my heart back or let it go. If I got it back I would still have all these feelings. They weren't going away. If I really wanted to get rid of them then I had to get rid of my heart. And that way lay permanent death.
I was suddenly struck by the realization that I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. And living meant regaining my heart and all that went with it.
Snakey had finished reading and was walking to the brazier to light the coals. "And now the time has come." He gestured to me. "Bring him." But if I wanted to live I needed to move quickly.
Two snake demons walked over and freed my hands. I had been suspended for so long I couldn't stand and I collapsed. They half dragged, half carried me to the center of the stage and dropped me when we reached the brazier but didn't let go of my arms.
The three old men stood up and walked to the other side of the brazier. They formed a half circle, joined hands, and got chanty.
Plan. Plan. Plan. Now that I had decided what I wanted I needed a plan. I looked out past the stage and saw Tara holding hands with a couple of other women, watching me and waiting for a sign. Now would be a *really* good time for a plan.
Snakey picked up my heart from the pedestal, turned around, and began to walk towards the glowing coals.
Aw, to hell with the plan. "Arrgghhh!" I tore myself from the grip of the demons holding me and dove for Snakey. Luckily I didn't have very far to go because I sort of collapsed halfway. I fell against his legs and knocked him off balance. He tripped and stumbled against the Wizard-Wanna- Be's and they all went over into a pile. In the process he managed to drop my heart, which rolled a few times and then came to a stop.
All the demons on the stage ran over to untangle the dog pile on the other side of the brazier and I took the opportunity to drag myself over to where my heart lay. I had just about reached it when I heard a familiar growl -- the sound Drusilla made when she attacked. I put on one last burst of strength and reached my heart just as she jumped on me.
I felt her nails rip through what was left of my T-shirt and then she was suddenly gone. I grabbed my heart and tried to figure out how to get it back in. The hole in my chest was still there so I put my heart to the hole and pushed it through. I figured it knew where home was and would pop right back in. For once, I was right.
My heart was pulled back into my chest and the hole immediately closed up. I felt my strength return, and then some, as I jumped to my feet and slid into game face.
"Baby – Daddy's home!"
*****
I was back and it felt good, like I had been reborn. I looked around the stage and took in the action. Drusilla was buried under a pile of now- solid looking ghosts. Angelus had run over and was pulling people off her and chucking them off the stage. The demons in the audience had left their seats and were crowded at the end of the stage, cheering on the show. Every time Angelus threw someone into the crowd, they'd be caught and travel along the top until they fell into the mob. It was like watching some big demon mosh pit. The snake demons were still struggling to untangle everybody that had fallen over when I pushed Snakey.
I ran over to the gibbet, grabbed the chains and, with one good yank, pulled them loose. It was good to be me again. I threw them around Angelus, trapping his arms, picked him up, tossed him off the stage, and watched him disappear into the crowd. Hope they banged him up but good.
The snake demons had untangled themselves from the wizards and several were now heading in my direction. I gave a roar and charged them, knocking two over. Another one jumped me and I threw him off. He came at me again and I turned, kicking, and sent him flying. He fell into the brazier and started to burn. He stumbled around a bit and bumped into three other demons who also burst into flames. Evidently these guys were highly combustible. That would teach them to play with fire.
Demons from the audience had begun to jump on stage, eager to join the fun. More servants appeared to fight them but they were having trouble. Tara's spell was beginning to weaken and several ghosts were starting to fade. I spotted the wizards near the back of the stage and figured it would be a good idea to get to them before they tried anything but there were a whole lot of demons in the way. I began to fight my way across the stage, throwing punches wherever I could. I was in the middle of a full-blown brawl and it was fun.
I had almost reached them when I was tackled from behind. I turned over to see Drusilla, who had gotten away from her attackers, on top of me. She reached back to hit me and I caught her hand on the downswing. I tossed her off me and jumped back up.
"I don't want to hurt you, pet, but I will. If you push me."
She came running towards me and I braced myself for her attack. Right before she hit I saw a flash of white from the side. One of the ghosts was thrown into me and pushed me out of the way. I saw Dru keep on going and fly off the end of the stage at the same time I hit the floor. The ghost had been flying pretty high and the force of the impact caused him to lose his solid state. I felt him pass through my head and chest and heard a clattering noise below me.
A head popped through the stage and looked at me. "Dude, are you all right? I didn't mean to knock you over."
I ignored him and picked up the source of the noise I had heard. It was a little piece of plastic, about the size of my fingernail. It was an iridescent green with little gold circuits running over it.
"Hey, man. Are you hurt? I mean, that'd be bad. Seeing as how you're on our side and all."
I looked at him, half above the stage, half below it. He had shaggy light- colored hair and was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a look of confusion.
"My chip." I looked at what I held in my hand. "You knocked out my chip."
"Oh. Wow. I'm sorry, man. Is it broken? I got some money; I'll pay to get it fixed."
I continued to stare at him, speechless.
"Spike!"
I spun around at the sound of Tara's voice. She was with several other servants, making an unsuccessful attempt to keep more demons from storming the stage. We were out-numbered and something had to be done fast or we would never make it.
"The wizards, Spike! Stop them!"
I turned and saw that the wizards had joined hands and formed a half-circle again. They looked like they were about to start some major mojo.
I jumped up and barreled my way across the stage, knocking over demons, no longer playing. When I reached them, I grabbed the nearest one and pulled him to me.
"Hold up there, Merlin." I turned him around until his back was to me and I had easy access to his neck. "We'll have none of that now. Any of you start up with the mojo and . . . " I pulled my captive's head to one side, baring his neck.
"You can't hurt us." One of his comrades yelled. "We're human!"
"And that would be a problem." I held up the small piece of plastic and gave them a wicked smiled. "If I were still chipped."
I dropped the chip to the floor and proceeded to crush it under my boot.
"Please! Please don't hurt us! We'll do anything you want."
I looked at them. These were the wizards that ruled demons? I had to admit, I had expected more. As it was, they were pretty pathetic.
"What? You're not even gonna try and fight? Just move straight to the begging?" I said, disappointed. "I thought you were powerful."
"Power over others is an illusion only as long as people allow it," the guy I was holding said. "Perhaps we can work out a deal instead."
"You want a deal? Fine." I shrugged. "How's this -- you let me, and all the servants, go and I don't rip your throats out. How about that?"
The three of them exchanged a glance. "I think we can do business."
*****
I ushered all the servants through the archway, keeping an eye out behind them to make sure everybody was sticking to the agreement. The wizards watched us from the stage, the demons lined up behind them. Drusilla and Angelus were nowhere to be found.
"Ok, Spike." Tara stopped in front of me. "That's everybody."
"Good." I took her arm and guided her out, throwing one last look over my shoulder. "Let's get out of here."
As soon as we stepped through the archway it closed behind us, a wall of solid rock where the door had been. I looked at all the people in front of me.
"Right then, people. Time to move." I walked through the crowd and took up my position in the front, leading the way up the tunnel.
*****
"Spike?"
I looked over at the sound of her voice. "Yeah, pet?"
"What are you going to do?" Tara asked.
"Get us out of here, remember? Thought that was the plan."
She smiled at me. "No. I mean later. After this is over. What are you going to do?" She repeated. "Now that you're dechipped and all."
I was silent as I thought about it. The original plan had been to come here, get the chip out, and go back to my old ways. With a quick side-trip to Sunnydale to show Buffy that I wasn't tame anymore. And if I happened to run into Xander and his face wanted to say hello to my fist . . . well, so much the better. But now I wasn't so sure.
"I don't know." I shrugged. "Things didn't work out they way I thought they would." I looked at her. "I thought it was the chip that changed things but it wasn't. It was me, all along." I frowned as I thought about that.
"Do you feel different? Now that the chip is gone?" She asked.
"Yeah. But it's not because of the chip. It's me." I stuck my hands in my pockets. "Something about me feels different. Like right now. I'm hungry, haven't eaten in days, should be overcome with the bloodlust. But I'm not. I can feel the hunger but I'm in control of it. Does that make any sense?"
"Yeah. Some. Is . . . " she paused. "Is it like the demon's weaker?"
"Yeah. Something like that." I paused, thinking. "I thought the chip was a curse. I was cursed all right – just not the way I thought." I tried to work it all out. "The demon was my curse. But now . . . now it's like he's just another part of me. Not bigger. Not smaller. Just there."
"You . . . seem different." She looked at me quickly and then away. "You've been through quite an ordeal, Spike. Learned a lot about yourself."
I thought about that. All I had been through in an effort to return to being the demon I thought I wanted to be and it ended with me reclaiming my heart. It wasn't about the chip; it was about accepting my humanity.
"I am different. I can feel it." I tried to think of a way to put it into words. "I know I'm supposed to be a demon, supposed to be evil. But I don't feel like a demon anymore. Like my human side is stronger than my demon side. And I don't feel evil anymore. I'm not sure I'm good but I'm not evil."
"You've been on a journey of self-discovery." She shot me another quick glance. "Perhaps you've gained something from it."
"Do I have a soul?" I scowled. Wasn't interested in turning into the Great Poof.
"No, I don't think so." She looked at me consideringly. "Perhaps it would better be described as free will. My accepting your humanity you take away the power the demon had to control your actions. You make the decision on how to act, not the demon."
"Does this mean I don't have to be wracked by guilt? Be all broody and stock up on nancy boy hair gel?"
She laughed. "I don't think you have to worry about broodiness." She bumped my arm playfully. "Soul or no soul, it's not in your nature." She became suddenly serious. "And as far as guilt is concerned – do you really need a soul to experience that? Aren't you already familiar with remorse?"
I thought back to the events that had motivated this little trip. Yeah, I knew about guilt -- didn't need a soul for that.
"What would a soul give you that you don't already have?" She continued. "Love? Remorse? Empathy? Kindness? You're not Angelus, Spike. You never were. He may need a soul to feel those things but you don't. Those qualities have always been a part of you."
We walked in silence for a bit.
"Do you want a soul?" she asked tentatively.
"I don't know." I shrugged. "Some people think it's a requirement."
"The only thing Angel's soul gives him that you don't have is a moral compass. It doesn't *make* him do the right thing; just helps him figure out what that is." She took my hand. "You know right from wrong, Spike, but you've always been oriented towards wrong, thanks to the demon in you. Now you're in the middle. Evil is not your natural inclination anymore. But then neither is good." She looked at me. "It's going to be up to you to evaluate each situation and make the right choice."
"This was supposed to be easy," I grumbled. "I wanted the answers to be simple again. Where's my happy ending?"
She threaded her arm through mine and smiled. "You don't want a happy ending, Spike. Then it would all be over and I don't think you're ready for that."
"Sounds like a lot of hard work to me." I was bound to screw up somewhere along the line.
"It will be a constant struggle. But you can do it. You might not have a soul to keep you from doing evil, but you will have to deal with the consequences that such actions generate – just like humans. We don't always make the right choices and sometimes we pay the price." A shadow crossed her face and then she gave me a wry smile. "Besides, I think it's safe to say that a soul doesn't stop a person from doing evil anymore than the lack of one prevents a person from doing good."
I looked at the bullet hole over her heart. "No. No . . . I guess it doesn't."
*****
Finally we came to a fork in the tunnel and everybody stopped.
Tara looked at me. "This is were we get off." She pointed to the tunnel that veered right. "We can make it alone from here."
I turned to face her. "So this is it then."
"Yep."
The other ghosts began to drift into the tunnel, calling out their thanks and good-byes as they passed. Finally Tara and I were alone.
"Thanks Spike." She gave me a soft smile. "We would never had made it out without you."
"Same goes, luv."
We stood there, staring awkwardly at each other.
"To hell with it!" I stepped forward and threw my arms around her and pulled her into a hug. She was still for a few moments and then I felt her arms move and suddenly she was hugging me back.
After a few minutes we released each other and stepped back.
I cleared my throat; I seemed to have gotten something stuck in it. "Well, go on then." I gestured to the tunnel. "They are, no doubt, waiting for you. Go where you belong."
She backed up and gave me one last smile. "Good-bye Spike." She turned and followed the rest into the tunnel.
I watched her until she faded from sight, felt my throat close up again, and realized I missed her. Emotions sucked.
I shook my mood off and turned and entered my own tunnel. There was a change in the air and I could feel that I was getting close to the surface. The trip out had been a lot shorter than the one in. I sped up, eager to reach fresh air. It had been days since I had eaten and I was in desperate need of blood.
I rounded a corner and the tunnel opened up into a cave. At the far end was an opening and I could see outside. It was night but a full moon hung low in the sky and lit up the inside of the cave. I started to walk to the opening when suddenly I heard a sound.
I felt my game face slide into place and looked around the cave, trying to identify the noise. It came again and I followed it to it's source.
There was a young couple in one of the natural alcoves of the cave. It looked like they had probably snuck away from the parental types for a bit of slap and tickle. They froze when they saw me and our gazes met.
I could hear their heartbeats. The longer we all stared at each other, the faster they became and I could smell their fear. It perfumed the air with a scent nearly as sweet as blood. I felt my bloodlust howling to be released and, if I closed my eyes, I knew I'd be able to imagine the taste of their blood as it slid down my throat. It had been so long and I was so hungry.
I realized I was moving without even thinking about it. I was now directly in front of them. All I had to do was reach out and they would be mine.
I took a deep breath, struggling.
"Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to know where the nearest butcher's shop is, would you?"
They looked at me in confusion, not understanding. The boy shook his head and said something I couldn't translate.
"Oh, well," I sighed. "I suppose it was too much to hope for."
I turned away and walked out of the tunnel, into moonlight as bright as the sun.
The End
**************************************************************************** ************
Katabasis: A journey to the Underworld undertaken by a hero which results in overcoming odds, confronting fears, and seeking wisdom. It is the death of the old self and the rebirth of the new.
There is some soul of goodness in things evil,
Would men observingly distil it out.
-- William Shakespeare
I don't know how long I hung there -- time had lost all meaning -- but gradually I noticed a change in the room. An army of ghostly servants materialized, clearing the tables and removing all the pillows and rugs from the floor. The mood of the room changed and the demons settled at the tables, talking quietly among themselves. I got the feeling that something was about to happen.
"Spike! Spike!" Someone was whispering my name. "Dear Goddess, of all the times to take a nap! Spike!"
Tara. It must be Tara, trying to get my attention.
"Pet?" I forced the words past my throat. Between my injuries and the tight feeling in my chest, I was having trouble talking.
"Yes. Spike, I'm over here."
I slowly turned my head and squinted at her. She was standing at the edge of the stage, surrounded by several other ghost types. "Whatcha doin' there?" I tried to work up some interest but it was hard.
"We're planning a party," she said in exasperation. "What does it look like were doing? We're here to help you."
"Why? There's no point to it," I mumbled. "Besides, thought you said you couldn't do anything."
"We talked about it among ourselves . . ." she gestured to the others. ". . . and decided we can and we can't."
"Not really in the mood for riddles, luv," I said, not really caring.
"Then just listen," she said. "Turns out there are couple of other witches here. We've been talking and we think we can do a spell that will make us solid. But we don't know how long it will last and we'll only be at normal strength. Not much good against demons. But we figure if we all work together we might still be able to do some damage. Overpower them or something and escape. But we need your help, Spike. We can't do it by ourselves. And we have to have a real person guide us out." She looked at me. "Besides, I'm not leaving you here. We need you, Spike."
"You need me?" I gave a bitter laugh. "Bad choice, that. Nobody needs me; I always bollix things up."
"No, you don't, Spike. You can do it. I know you can. You just have to believe it." She pleaded with me. "Please, Spike. We need you."
She needed me. I felt something inside me stir. I wanted to help her. But . . . "What about my chip? I came to get it out, remember?"
"Your chip?" She rolled her eyes. "Don't you get it? This isn't about your chip."
"It's not?'
"No. You wanted to get rid of the thing that made you the way you are, remember? Well, you got it. It's gone. And if you don't get it back before they throw it into the fire, it's going to kill you."
Throw it into the fire? What the bloody hell was she talking about? What did I care if they threw the chip into the fire? As long as they took it out of my head first, of course.
Not that the damn chip mattered anymore. "I'm sorry, pet." I said, sinking back into depression. "I wish I could help you. But I can't. I can't help anyone."
"Spike! Snap out of it already," she said, clearly losing patience. "We don't have time for you to feel sorry for yourself. We have to get out of here."
"Tara!" One of the other ghosts called her name. "Tara! Quick, they're coming. We have to go," she said urgently. "They can't find us here."
Tara looked over her shoulder. "I gotta go, Spike. Remember . . . we need you." And with that she ran away.
She said she needed me. She believed in me. When was the last time anyone had said that to me? Had anyone *ever* said that to me? And I was *not* feeling sorry for myself. I felt my despair begin to lift only to be replaced by a feeling of affronted pride.
The sound of trumpets jolted me out of my thoughts. Looked like it was finally time for the festivities to begin. A spotlight blinked on, focusing on the entrance on the opposite wall. As I watched, Angelus and Drusilla entered and walked across the cavern. They climbed up on the stage and took up positions on opposite ends of the three gold thrones.
The fanfare began again and I looked back at the arch in time to catch the big entrance of the night. Three old men entered. They wore floor-length robes of royal blue and they had long white beards and self-important expressions. The music continued as they walked across the hall and to the stage. As they climbed up the stairs and sat down on their thrones, the music ended and silence fell in the hall.
It had begun.
One of the snake demons approached the stage and unrolled a parchment. He cleared his throat and began speaking in a booming voice.
"Hear yea. Hear yea. We are gathered here tonight to address the matter of one William the Bloody, AKA Spike."
The spotlight flashed on me and suddenly I was bathed in light. I couldn't help squinting.
"The supplicant appealed to this assemblage. He asked that that which made him different be removed. We have gathered here tonight to judge his worthiness. He has made it through the gates . . ."
I tuned him out as he droned on; he wasn't saying anything new. The hopelessness I had been feeling earlier seemed to have dissipated. Feeling sorry for myself. Bollocks! I may not be a Big Bad anymore but I was still me. It was showtime and I wasn't going to go down without a fight. I needed to get loose and get my heart back. And I had to figure out a way to get Tara and the others out of here.
The time for introspection was over; now was the time for action. Something I was good at.
I looked over to where my heart lay on the pedestal. That was the first thing on my list. I had to get rid of this weakness. Without my heart, I could never win.
". . . asked that we remove that which made him different. We have done so. And, having complied with his . . ."
Huh? I caught the last bit of Snakey's words. He said they'd already taken it out. Did that mean the chip was gone? They must have done it while I was knocked out. You'd think I'd have felt something -- .
My gaze fell on the golden pedestal and suddenly it all became clear.
"Oh, balls!"
Snakey stopped what he was doing and looked at me. As did everyone else in the hall. "Oh . . . um . . . sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. Please -- continue."
He cleared his throat and picked up where he had left off ". . . And, having complied with his request, . . . "
The demon had removed that which made me different. Angelus and Dru had said it earlier. Tara had even said it. It's not the chip that makes me the way that I am. I make me the way that I am. The chip didn't make me fall in love and it didn't make me feel. My heart made me what I was. It was responsible for changing me and I needed it to survive.
I had a choice. I could fight to get my heart back or let it go. If I got it back I would still have all these feelings. They weren't going away. If I really wanted to get rid of them then I had to get rid of my heart. And that way lay permanent death.
I was suddenly struck by the realization that I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. And living meant regaining my heart and all that went with it.
Snakey had finished reading and was walking to the brazier to light the coals. "And now the time has come." He gestured to me. "Bring him." But if I wanted to live I needed to move quickly.
Two snake demons walked over and freed my hands. I had been suspended for so long I couldn't stand and I collapsed. They half dragged, half carried me to the center of the stage and dropped me when we reached the brazier but didn't let go of my arms.
The three old men stood up and walked to the other side of the brazier. They formed a half circle, joined hands, and got chanty.
Plan. Plan. Plan. Now that I had decided what I wanted I needed a plan. I looked out past the stage and saw Tara holding hands with a couple of other women, watching me and waiting for a sign. Now would be a *really* good time for a plan.
Snakey picked up my heart from the pedestal, turned around, and began to walk towards the glowing coals.
Aw, to hell with the plan. "Arrgghhh!" I tore myself from the grip of the demons holding me and dove for Snakey. Luckily I didn't have very far to go because I sort of collapsed halfway. I fell against his legs and knocked him off balance. He tripped and stumbled against the Wizard-Wanna- Be's and they all went over into a pile. In the process he managed to drop my heart, which rolled a few times and then came to a stop.
All the demons on the stage ran over to untangle the dog pile on the other side of the brazier and I took the opportunity to drag myself over to where my heart lay. I had just about reached it when I heard a familiar growl -- the sound Drusilla made when she attacked. I put on one last burst of strength and reached my heart just as she jumped on me.
I felt her nails rip through what was left of my T-shirt and then she was suddenly gone. I grabbed my heart and tried to figure out how to get it back in. The hole in my chest was still there so I put my heart to the hole and pushed it through. I figured it knew where home was and would pop right back in. For once, I was right.
My heart was pulled back into my chest and the hole immediately closed up. I felt my strength return, and then some, as I jumped to my feet and slid into game face.
"Baby – Daddy's home!"
*****
I was back and it felt good, like I had been reborn. I looked around the stage and took in the action. Drusilla was buried under a pile of now- solid looking ghosts. Angelus had run over and was pulling people off her and chucking them off the stage. The demons in the audience had left their seats and were crowded at the end of the stage, cheering on the show. Every time Angelus threw someone into the crowd, they'd be caught and travel along the top until they fell into the mob. It was like watching some big demon mosh pit. The snake demons were still struggling to untangle everybody that had fallen over when I pushed Snakey.
I ran over to the gibbet, grabbed the chains and, with one good yank, pulled them loose. It was good to be me again. I threw them around Angelus, trapping his arms, picked him up, tossed him off the stage, and watched him disappear into the crowd. Hope they banged him up but good.
The snake demons had untangled themselves from the wizards and several were now heading in my direction. I gave a roar and charged them, knocking two over. Another one jumped me and I threw him off. He came at me again and I turned, kicking, and sent him flying. He fell into the brazier and started to burn. He stumbled around a bit and bumped into three other demons who also burst into flames. Evidently these guys were highly combustible. That would teach them to play with fire.
Demons from the audience had begun to jump on stage, eager to join the fun. More servants appeared to fight them but they were having trouble. Tara's spell was beginning to weaken and several ghosts were starting to fade. I spotted the wizards near the back of the stage and figured it would be a good idea to get to them before they tried anything but there were a whole lot of demons in the way. I began to fight my way across the stage, throwing punches wherever I could. I was in the middle of a full-blown brawl and it was fun.
I had almost reached them when I was tackled from behind. I turned over to see Drusilla, who had gotten away from her attackers, on top of me. She reached back to hit me and I caught her hand on the downswing. I tossed her off me and jumped back up.
"I don't want to hurt you, pet, but I will. If you push me."
She came running towards me and I braced myself for her attack. Right before she hit I saw a flash of white from the side. One of the ghosts was thrown into me and pushed me out of the way. I saw Dru keep on going and fly off the end of the stage at the same time I hit the floor. The ghost had been flying pretty high and the force of the impact caused him to lose his solid state. I felt him pass through my head and chest and heard a clattering noise below me.
A head popped through the stage and looked at me. "Dude, are you all right? I didn't mean to knock you over."
I ignored him and picked up the source of the noise I had heard. It was a little piece of plastic, about the size of my fingernail. It was an iridescent green with little gold circuits running over it.
"Hey, man. Are you hurt? I mean, that'd be bad. Seeing as how you're on our side and all."
I looked at him, half above the stage, half below it. He had shaggy light- colored hair and was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a look of confusion.
"My chip." I looked at what I held in my hand. "You knocked out my chip."
"Oh. Wow. I'm sorry, man. Is it broken? I got some money; I'll pay to get it fixed."
I continued to stare at him, speechless.
"Spike!"
I spun around at the sound of Tara's voice. She was with several other servants, making an unsuccessful attempt to keep more demons from storming the stage. We were out-numbered and something had to be done fast or we would never make it.
"The wizards, Spike! Stop them!"
I turned and saw that the wizards had joined hands and formed a half-circle again. They looked like they were about to start some major mojo.
I jumped up and barreled my way across the stage, knocking over demons, no longer playing. When I reached them, I grabbed the nearest one and pulled him to me.
"Hold up there, Merlin." I turned him around until his back was to me and I had easy access to his neck. "We'll have none of that now. Any of you start up with the mojo and . . . " I pulled my captive's head to one side, baring his neck.
"You can't hurt us." One of his comrades yelled. "We're human!"
"And that would be a problem." I held up the small piece of plastic and gave them a wicked smiled. "If I were still chipped."
I dropped the chip to the floor and proceeded to crush it under my boot.
"Please! Please don't hurt us! We'll do anything you want."
I looked at them. These were the wizards that ruled demons? I had to admit, I had expected more. As it was, they were pretty pathetic.
"What? You're not even gonna try and fight? Just move straight to the begging?" I said, disappointed. "I thought you were powerful."
"Power over others is an illusion only as long as people allow it," the guy I was holding said. "Perhaps we can work out a deal instead."
"You want a deal? Fine." I shrugged. "How's this -- you let me, and all the servants, go and I don't rip your throats out. How about that?"
The three of them exchanged a glance. "I think we can do business."
*****
I ushered all the servants through the archway, keeping an eye out behind them to make sure everybody was sticking to the agreement. The wizards watched us from the stage, the demons lined up behind them. Drusilla and Angelus were nowhere to be found.
"Ok, Spike." Tara stopped in front of me. "That's everybody."
"Good." I took her arm and guided her out, throwing one last look over my shoulder. "Let's get out of here."
As soon as we stepped through the archway it closed behind us, a wall of solid rock where the door had been. I looked at all the people in front of me.
"Right then, people. Time to move." I walked through the crowd and took up my position in the front, leading the way up the tunnel.
*****
"Spike?"
I looked over at the sound of her voice. "Yeah, pet?"
"What are you going to do?" Tara asked.
"Get us out of here, remember? Thought that was the plan."
She smiled at me. "No. I mean later. After this is over. What are you going to do?" She repeated. "Now that you're dechipped and all."
I was silent as I thought about it. The original plan had been to come here, get the chip out, and go back to my old ways. With a quick side-trip to Sunnydale to show Buffy that I wasn't tame anymore. And if I happened to run into Xander and his face wanted to say hello to my fist . . . well, so much the better. But now I wasn't so sure.
"I don't know." I shrugged. "Things didn't work out they way I thought they would." I looked at her. "I thought it was the chip that changed things but it wasn't. It was me, all along." I frowned as I thought about that.
"Do you feel different? Now that the chip is gone?" She asked.
"Yeah. But it's not because of the chip. It's me." I stuck my hands in my pockets. "Something about me feels different. Like right now. I'm hungry, haven't eaten in days, should be overcome with the bloodlust. But I'm not. I can feel the hunger but I'm in control of it. Does that make any sense?"
"Yeah. Some. Is . . . " she paused. "Is it like the demon's weaker?"
"Yeah. Something like that." I paused, thinking. "I thought the chip was a curse. I was cursed all right – just not the way I thought." I tried to work it all out. "The demon was my curse. But now . . . now it's like he's just another part of me. Not bigger. Not smaller. Just there."
"You . . . seem different." She looked at me quickly and then away. "You've been through quite an ordeal, Spike. Learned a lot about yourself."
I thought about that. All I had been through in an effort to return to being the demon I thought I wanted to be and it ended with me reclaiming my heart. It wasn't about the chip; it was about accepting my humanity.
"I am different. I can feel it." I tried to think of a way to put it into words. "I know I'm supposed to be a demon, supposed to be evil. But I don't feel like a demon anymore. Like my human side is stronger than my demon side. And I don't feel evil anymore. I'm not sure I'm good but I'm not evil."
"You've been on a journey of self-discovery." She shot me another quick glance. "Perhaps you've gained something from it."
"Do I have a soul?" I scowled. Wasn't interested in turning into the Great Poof.
"No, I don't think so." She looked at me consideringly. "Perhaps it would better be described as free will. My accepting your humanity you take away the power the demon had to control your actions. You make the decision on how to act, not the demon."
"Does this mean I don't have to be wracked by guilt? Be all broody and stock up on nancy boy hair gel?"
She laughed. "I don't think you have to worry about broodiness." She bumped my arm playfully. "Soul or no soul, it's not in your nature." She became suddenly serious. "And as far as guilt is concerned – do you really need a soul to experience that? Aren't you already familiar with remorse?"
I thought back to the events that had motivated this little trip. Yeah, I knew about guilt -- didn't need a soul for that.
"What would a soul give you that you don't already have?" She continued. "Love? Remorse? Empathy? Kindness? You're not Angelus, Spike. You never were. He may need a soul to feel those things but you don't. Those qualities have always been a part of you."
We walked in silence for a bit.
"Do you want a soul?" she asked tentatively.
"I don't know." I shrugged. "Some people think it's a requirement."
"The only thing Angel's soul gives him that you don't have is a moral compass. It doesn't *make* him do the right thing; just helps him figure out what that is." She took my hand. "You know right from wrong, Spike, but you've always been oriented towards wrong, thanks to the demon in you. Now you're in the middle. Evil is not your natural inclination anymore. But then neither is good." She looked at me. "It's going to be up to you to evaluate each situation and make the right choice."
"This was supposed to be easy," I grumbled. "I wanted the answers to be simple again. Where's my happy ending?"
She threaded her arm through mine and smiled. "You don't want a happy ending, Spike. Then it would all be over and I don't think you're ready for that."
"Sounds like a lot of hard work to me." I was bound to screw up somewhere along the line.
"It will be a constant struggle. But you can do it. You might not have a soul to keep you from doing evil, but you will have to deal with the consequences that such actions generate – just like humans. We don't always make the right choices and sometimes we pay the price." A shadow crossed her face and then she gave me a wry smile. "Besides, I think it's safe to say that a soul doesn't stop a person from doing evil anymore than the lack of one prevents a person from doing good."
I looked at the bullet hole over her heart. "No. No . . . I guess it doesn't."
*****
Finally we came to a fork in the tunnel and everybody stopped.
Tara looked at me. "This is were we get off." She pointed to the tunnel that veered right. "We can make it alone from here."
I turned to face her. "So this is it then."
"Yep."
The other ghosts began to drift into the tunnel, calling out their thanks and good-byes as they passed. Finally Tara and I were alone.
"Thanks Spike." She gave me a soft smile. "We would never had made it out without you."
"Same goes, luv."
We stood there, staring awkwardly at each other.
"To hell with it!" I stepped forward and threw my arms around her and pulled her into a hug. She was still for a few moments and then I felt her arms move and suddenly she was hugging me back.
After a few minutes we released each other and stepped back.
I cleared my throat; I seemed to have gotten something stuck in it. "Well, go on then." I gestured to the tunnel. "They are, no doubt, waiting for you. Go where you belong."
She backed up and gave me one last smile. "Good-bye Spike." She turned and followed the rest into the tunnel.
I watched her until she faded from sight, felt my throat close up again, and realized I missed her. Emotions sucked.
I shook my mood off and turned and entered my own tunnel. There was a change in the air and I could feel that I was getting close to the surface. The trip out had been a lot shorter than the one in. I sped up, eager to reach fresh air. It had been days since I had eaten and I was in desperate need of blood.
I rounded a corner and the tunnel opened up into a cave. At the far end was an opening and I could see outside. It was night but a full moon hung low in the sky and lit up the inside of the cave. I started to walk to the opening when suddenly I heard a sound.
I felt my game face slide into place and looked around the cave, trying to identify the noise. It came again and I followed it to it's source.
There was a young couple in one of the natural alcoves of the cave. It looked like they had probably snuck away from the parental types for a bit of slap and tickle. They froze when they saw me and our gazes met.
I could hear their heartbeats. The longer we all stared at each other, the faster they became and I could smell their fear. It perfumed the air with a scent nearly as sweet as blood. I felt my bloodlust howling to be released and, if I closed my eyes, I knew I'd be able to imagine the taste of their blood as it slid down my throat. It had been so long and I was so hungry.
I realized I was moving without even thinking about it. I was now directly in front of them. All I had to do was reach out and they would be mine.
I took a deep breath, struggling.
"Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to know where the nearest butcher's shop is, would you?"
They looked at me in confusion, not understanding. The boy shook his head and said something I couldn't translate.
"Oh, well," I sighed. "I suppose it was too much to hope for."
I turned away and walked out of the tunnel, into moonlight as bright as the sun.
The End
**************************************************************************** ************
Katabasis: A journey to the Underworld undertaken by a hero which results in overcoming odds, confronting fears, and seeking wisdom. It is the death of the old self and the rebirth of the new.